Dave Meltzer vs. David Starr a.k.a. the Catalyst for the #SpeakingOut Movement

 

"The Honorable" John Z. Lee: I'll Bet He Thinks Jim Thornton's Pedophile Chatroom Was Free Speech Too

 

David Draiman Doesn't Know What Anti-Semitism Is, So Someone Should Explain It to Him...Slowly

 

Scorpion from Mortal Kombat vs. Danny Masterson from That 70's Show: Right Message, Wrong Messenger

 

Clawed Beauty 101 (any/all) vs. Jim Thornton: So Much for a No Spin Zone

 

Cathy Kelley Will Rizz 'em with the 'tism

 

The Schizophrenic Ides of March

 

Dolly Parton (Rest in Peace) vs. Bridget Ziegler: Moms For Liberty Is an Oxymoronic Name Considering What They Do

 

Bayley Loves You, Which Is Why She's Serving Up Brutal Honesty in This Cartoon

 

Garrison Kelly vs. The Military a.k.a. the Cult That Nobody Should Be Pressured to Join

 

Anakin Skywalker Is About as Smooth as Sandpaper Dude Wipes

 

Romance Scammers Are the Scum of the Earth; I'll Die on That Hill, Hopefully They'll Die in Their Own Filth

 

The Hobby Continues...

 

Fragile

VERSE1

Putting on the mask is too much to ask

I’ve had it on since the days of being a pawn

For ungrateful swine who do nothing but whine

I give a million percent just to pay my rent

They said I should smile even when I’m on trial

For my social crimes that I commit all the time

Just being myself gets me a ticket to hell

Earth is already like that even when I strike back

 

CHORUS

You are fragile! Fragile!

Conformists are so fragile! Fragile!

I’ll never adjust, because I cannot trust

Shock collar doctors who are somehow fathers

You are fragile! Fragile!

 

VERSE 2

Putting on a show like I’m your little ho

Kick line, comedy, needing a lobotomy

Scenes from movies where they don’t show boobies

Wouldn’t want to offend or the performance to end

Sing with a pretty voice like I ain’t got a choice

Hymns and love songs, go all night long

I crash on my bed like I’m already dead

Do it over tomorrow, not allowed to show sorrow

 

CHORUS

You are fragile! Fragile!

Conformists are so fragile! Fragile!

I’ll never adjust, because I cannot trust

Shock collar doctors who are somehow fathers

You are fragile! Fragile!

 

OUTRO

You ever wonder why I’m on medication?

I’m an overachiever, gave too much dedication

To fair weather bosses who would never hire me

Not one day on the job, yet they still like to tire me

Shaking me down for performative excitement

When I’d rather lay low, they accuse me of entitlement

Middle aged ambition is to lay down and rest

Couldn’t take another class or a scantron test

Couldn’t make another dollar while serving a burger

Couldn’t fantasize about anything but murder

They call it burnout, because there used to be flames

But my body is ashes, no more skin in the game

Maybe I’m the one who’s been fragile all along

Breaking down anyways even though I was strong

RIP Electric Pencil Sharpener (2015-2026)

Well…I knew this day was going to come eventually, but I didn’t think it’d be today. I’ve been using my electric pencil sharpener for 11 years and today it finally died. Electric sharpeners typically last 7 to 10 years, but I was lucky to have it for 11 considering that I literally worked it to death. A lot of that is my fault for not taking good enough care of it. I emptied the tray only when it got completely full. I fed colored pencils through it, which you’re not supposed to do. I didn’t know how hard to press down when I fed a pencil through it. And from 2024 to 2026 when my cartooning hobby really took off, I literally worked it to death. I ordered a new pencil sharpener and until it arrives at my house, there will be no more cartoons. But once it shows up, I’ve got romance scammers in my crosshairs…

A Most Sincere Apology to Those I've Offended, Complete with Good Intentions, Promises, and Pie Crusts

 

Stephanie McMahon Really Cares About Bad Press

 

Welcome to Quora, Where Engagement Stats Are a More Important Number Than Age

 

Pink Floyd vs. Amir Odom: The Dark Side of the Moon...and of Dark Money

 

Amy Lee: Fairweather Fans Come and Go, But True Love Is Forever, Which Was Why She Married Josh Hartzler

 

Bill Maher: A Fall From Grace That Left a Hole in the Ground Like Wile E. Coyote

 

Royce White: If the Klan Hood Fits, Wear It

 

Enes Kanter Freedom: A Bigger Danger to Women Than Transgender People Will Ever Be

 

Ridley Scott: Nothing Is Ever His Fault, Only the "Millennians"

 

Soldiers and Hard Work

An axe to grind became rise and grind

The American Dream is yours to find

A fantasy McGuffin, never mind the dick sucking

Don’t like boot polish? Keep on trucking

Rock and roll used to stick it to the man

Now it’s all about money, get as much as you can

Authenticity is now a pejorative

A roof above, you can’t afford it

Unless you beat the algorithm like it owes you dough

Pay thousands for the secret, but nobody really knows

Either way you got yourself a bullwhip master

Lashes will make you work harder and faster

Can’t flip the bird without their approval

Your art is digital, ready for mass removal

Corporate masters wrote your lyrics for you

Sing them word for word or sponsors ignore you

Soldiers and hard work! Soldiers and hard work!

Never mind creativity and all of your quirks

Soldiers and hard work! Soldiers and hard work!

Say it loud and proud while bikini dancers twerk

Soldiers and hard work! Soldiers and hard work!

Brought to you by Monster and Paramount Network

Soldiers and hard work! Soldiers and hard work!

Buy it, believe it, love it, or leave it

Love it, love it, love it

Love it, love it, love it

Repeat the mantra one million times

And now it’s forever a part of your mind

Now we’re going pop, the party doesn’t stop

Except for the guitarist who parties the hardest

Take a pay cut or get tossed out the window

Like a pot of piss, an appropriate symbol

Squeeze you dry like we’re making lemonade

We can always use a robot to get our product made

Strum your guitar and bang on your drums

Slap the bass with your blistering thumbs

Scream the lyrics like you’re in agony

Like you’re blitzed and losing your center of gravity

Another shakedown and you start to break down

Who’s next in line to get peanuts for time?

Make more babies to feed the industry

Freezing her eggs? You got to be kidding me

Everybody stays home, all bosses are jerks

Couldn’t bother to care about soldiers and hard work

Jeremy Boreing: Very Fitting Last Name Considering the Content The Daily Wire Puts Out

 

Bluesky: It's Still a Social Media Site and Dogpiling Over Little Shit Is Still a Problem

 

Brie Bella: Married Bryan Danielson, But Transphobia Is Her One True Love

 

Handing Out 51/50 Orders Like It's Christmas

 

Penny (Gadget) For Your Thoughts, Val Venis?

 

Unpopular Opinion: Stonehenge Is Boring

 

A Pleasure to Have in Class

VERSE 1

I was such a pleasure to have in the class

All while the system fucked me in the ass

Trading my soul for an A+ to pass

And that’s why my childhood went by so fast

 

CHORUS 1

But I’m better than school

I’m nobody’s tool

I did what I did to survive

I’m better than school

I make my own rules

My rage is about to go live

 

VERSE 2

Dressed up in my Sunday’s best for the test

Job interview just to see if I’m screwed

They wished me luck in all my endeavors

And that’s why I’m unemployed forever

 

CHORUS 2

But I’m better than school

And capitalist fools

I live on despite their oppression

I’m better than school

And corporate gene pools

Hiring down the line of succession

 

BRIDGE

I’m an artist, not a soldier

Holding corpses on shoulders

I’m a lover, not a hater

Though I bloom a lot later

I’m a rebel, not a drone

Leave my human rights alone

I’m my own man, not a student

Not expendable, not useless

 

CHORUS 3

But I’m better than school

And a world so cruel

My art lives on when it’s my time to go

I’m better than school

I’ll die in this duel

It’s my hill to stand on

They’re my feet to land on

Too good for conformity

So don’t try to whore me

HR Pufnstuf: Teaching Children Corporate-Speak Since 1969

 

Stealers Wheel vs. Matt Stone: "Stuck in the Middle with You"

 

Zoe Bee: School Is Over, But Learning Never Ends

 

Giorgia Meloni: Because the Italian Government Has No Jurisdiction Over American Crimes

 

Garrison Kelly's Rules of Engagement: They're Completely Reasonable, I Swear!

 

Johnny Young Gets a Taste of His Own Medicine, Which Tastes Like Shit

 

Jaida Parker: Another Dumbass TERF Worthy of Ridicule

 

Jon Moxley Is Done Talking and Internet Trolls Should Be Too

 

A Hairdresser vs. Garrison's Autism: You Can't Spell Hairdresser without the Letters HR

 

Andrew Dice Clay: a Tool Answering a Jeopardy Question About Other Tools

 

Butthole Surfers vs. Ray Rice: It's Important to Get Even the Minor Details Right

 

Arianna Brandolini: Psychologist by Day, HR Staff by Night

 

Nature Is Overrated and I Will Die on That Hill...which Happens to Be Part of a Nature Trail

 

Thank You, Deb Krishnadasan, for Kicking Michelle Caldier's Ass on Election Day, Yours Truly, Garrison the Autistic Schizophrenic

 

Stand Your Ground, Warrior...and Prepare for the CATACLYSM OF AGONY! (LOL)

 

Dee Jay from Super Street Fighter II Has a Message for All the Argumentative Drama Queens Out There

 

I Don't "Shoot My Shot" Because I Don't Want to Give Women the Ick

 

George Santos Has a Bridge to Sell You...and You're Probably Dumb Enough to Buy It!

 

Homer Simpson vs. Infinite Elgintensity: The Body Positivity We All Need

 

Denny Crane: Why Is It Called a Bar Association If You're Not Supposed to Be Drunk?

 

Is Barney Gumble from The Simpsons a member of the Illinois Bar?

Samoa Joe: The Last Wrestler on Planet Earth You Want a Receipt From

 

Cammy White: Make Love, Not War

 

Hot take: it's okay to sexualize fictional characters, because they won't get traumatized and go to therapy. Real people, on the other hand, are off limits.