Michael Taylor: Game Show Troll Who Should Go Back to the Bridge He Came From

 

Suck It

VERSE 1

You want to sue me for defamation

But it’s only legalized retaliation

For using my First Amendment rights

You’re not even American, you took a flight

Judge bangs the gavel!

Let’s start the battle!

Or I can just sit at home

Send you all a written note:

 

CHORUS

Suck it!

Suck it!

Suck it!

Suck my dick!

 

VERSE 2

Mr. Landlord, how did you learn karate?

You got a million cancer cells throughout your body

That’s what landlords are: tumors on society

You smoked a thousand ciggies, so you failed at sobriety

Post your eviction notice!

Sick your dog named Otis!

Here’s a month’s rent in a little envelope

Just kidding, it’s only a handwritten note:

 

CHORUS

Suck it!

Suck it!

Suck it!

Suck my dick!

 

BRIDGE

Everybody owes a debt to someone

Even if your life has come undone

I wasn’t born with a spoon in my mouth

I live in the north, but my life went south

 

VERSE 3

I pay everything off and you still want more

At the risk of destroying my credit score

At the risk of shopping at the dollar store

At the risk of being an orange suit whore

Your threats are empty!

You got nothing to envy!

You’re a miserable prick who never gets better

Instead of a check, here’s a two-word letter:

 

CHORUS

Suck it!

Suck it!

Suck it!

Suck it!

 

BRIDGE

Everybody owes a debt to someone

Even if your life has come undone

I wasn’t born with a spoon in my mouth

I live in the north, but my life went south

Ahchoo from "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" a.k.a. Dave Chappelle Before He Descended into Transphobic Mediocrity

 

See? I Always Knew Arthur Fleck Had Potential as a Comedian!

 

Rejection Sensitive

Rejection sensitive, a lack of evidence

That he tried so hard to get on the dance card

He couldn’t score a ten even if he rigged the game

Walked onto the dance floor, couldn’t share his name

A lady took his hand, but it was never an invitation

To step outside the fantasies of masturbation

One bad touch and it’ll all go viral

Watch it all go down the drain in a pretty little spiral

Laugh it up, yuk it up, read all about it

They knew he was awkward, now he’s fully outed

He ran out the door, tried to drown out the noise

Of the scared-to-death ladies, chucklefuck boys

They say you can’t win if you never play the game

You also can’t get jobbed out into the Hall of Shame

His brain was lying the whole damn time

Nobody even cared that he committed social crimes

They’re too busy getting down with the funky ass beat

Split-legged moonsault, twerk, repeat

But when your brain tells you lies, they’re easy to believe

It’s the closest friend you have, why would it deceive?

It got you through pop quizzes and scantron tests

How can you justify not giving all your best?

Go back to your room and put on some creamy Korn

Let your hero Jon Davis guide you through emotions torn

“If you don’t give a shit, come get your Hellyeah!”

Mr. Mudvayne’s got intensity, ain’t got to sell that

Throw a Five Finger Death Punch right through the drywall

Not worth losing your deposit, the bill will bulge your eyeballs

Try the dance floor again when your spirit isn’t broken

In another five years when your heart’s wide open

It’s like a prison sentence, but without the CO’s

Cuss a storm at the warden, but you’ll never dethrone

Imaginary debates over trying hard enough

Or your lack thereof, it’s a little tough love

Tough love is a total oxymoron

Like jumbo shrimp, so the conclusion’s foregone

You’re a victim of abuse from your own internal organs

From the day you were born to the days of rigor mortis

You can’t win the game when the world is cheating

When your purpose in life is taking punch-down beatings

"Country" Joe McDonald: He Should Have Been Named Joe Burger King

 

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back! They Just Happen to Be Striking Drum Kits After a Pun

 

Kelly Carlin: The Apple Doesn't Fall Far from the Tree When Your Father Punches Up

 

Whoever Has the Gun Is the Murderer...

 

Don't Fuck with the Washburn Twins

 

How Much of a Wuss Do You Have to Be to Get Your Ass Kicked by a Paperclip?

 

Think of This Clue Meme When You Vote Tomorrow

 

Papa Roach X Pac (Rest in Peace): Knowing the Gravity of the Situation Is Key

 

Billie Joe Armstrong Has a Message For All the ICE Agents Out There

 

And of course, Tom MacDonald responded by saying, "Nothing like a 60-year-old millionaire who makes music for teenagers telling you to quit your job, am I right?" Yep. The guy who looks like a detention desk and makes low-effort edge-lord music really said that about Billie Joe Armstrong. The irony is laughable.

Cancel Culture Is a Boycott; Hana Kimura Was Cyberbullied to Death

 

Xyon Mance: the One Who Got Away from the Titular "Dungeon of Love"

 

Wolf Powers, Head Writer of the Titular "Seven Star Reads" Dirt Sheet...and Murder Victim

 

Immortal Technique: Harlem to Canada, Lyrically Damage Ya

 

Dr. Cushing (Tales from the Hood) vs. Officer Tatum (YouTube): It Should Be Him on the Spinning Table, Fully Clothed, of Course

 

Caine Lawson: Who's the Real Menace to Society?

 

Nobody Can Pass a Purity Test, Because We're All Human Beings and Therefore Imperfect

 

Hoku vs. Some Dumbass TikToker Who Thinks It's Okay to Bully Weird Kids

 

Winona Shockley: Tracey Clyde's Secretary from "Dungeon of Love"

 

What Kind of a Stupid Name for a Right-Wing Movement Is "The Tea Party"?

 

Adam Blampied X Colleen Ballinger: Masters of Apology Videos

 

For the record, I'm not here to debate the validity of Adam Blampied's allegations. But glossing over infidelity just to prove your innocence is not a good way to start an apology video.

Nothing Will Destroy Your Youthful Charisma Like Mental Illness and Burnout...

 

Jasmine Crockett vs. Ken Paxton: The Loser Gets Donald Trump

 

Have You Brushed up on Your Algospeak Lately?

 

Tom MacDonald and Tommy Vext Present: The Uncle Tom Tour! MIA Not Included, Then Again, She Never Is...

 

Quinton "Rampage" Jackson: Did He Make a Dark Joke or a Joke About Dark People?

 

Apparently, What I Experienced in 1999 Was Prodromal Schizophrenia

 

The Trolls Aren't Even Trying to Hide It Anymore

 

The Pink Ranger Is Not Your Girlfriend; She's Your Unhealthy Coping Mechanism

 

My Name Is Garrison and I Am a Paranoid Schizophrenic...

 

Roasting Trolls in the "Good Old Days" That Weren't So Good

 

Irony Is Your Strong Suit

Don’t tell me I didn’t try hard enough when trying was never an option.

Don’t tell me I’m coasting through life when you want me to fail.

Don’t tell me to suck it up when you throw the punches.

Don’t tell me I’m too fat when your favorite politician weighs more.

Don’t tell me I’m too stupid when your IQ is in the toilet.

Don’t tell me I’m behind in life when you take a shortcut to get ahead.

Don’t tell me I need to step up my game when I score last place anyways.

Don’t tell me to ask her out when she’s too scared to accept a man’s love.

Don’t tell me to get a job when the boss can’t wait to fire me.

Don’t tell me to get out of the house more often when I have nowhere to go.

I could have been the best thing to ever happen to this world.

Even if this world never wanted someone like me.

Someone different, someone who cared, someone who loved.

But mediocrity keeps the machine going.

Silence keeps the gears from gumming up.

I’m sorry I didn’t fit into your economic plan.

But at the same time, you never let me in to begin with.

Irony is your strong suit, having a soul is not.

Stay in your lane, as you always say.

Yet your military tank takes up the entire highway.

Don’t tell me I’m too sensitive when hearing the truth makes you squirm.

En Taro Adun, Professor! My Grades for Aiur! Doom to All Who Threaten My GPA!

 

Ron Simmons vs. The California Raisins: Wrestling Isn't Fake, But AI Slop Is

 

"Cowboy" James Storm vs. Amy Coney Barrett: a Declining Birthrate Doesn't Mean Shit

 

Sophie from Mars: What's More Childish Than BreadTube Infighting?

 

Jacqueline Ma: Teacher of the Year, Pariah Forever

 

Princess Leia vs. Harvey Weinstein & Quentin Tarantino: a Giant Slug Made Her Wear the Bikini

 

Wayne Campbell (Wayne's World 2) vs. Elon Musk (DOGE-Bag): "I Like to Think I Have an Eye for Details"

 

Windham Xavier: Prince of Elves and Trees in "Savage Beatings" and "Beautiful Monster"

 

Warden Waldo Hernandez from "Marines Love Prison": "Life Is Good, God Is Great"

 

Vik Decker: When He Takes a Shot of Liquor, He Shoots His Shot at a Lesbian MMA Fighter

 

In "Dungeon of Love", a Vote for Tracey Clyde Is a Vote for Shooting Yourself in the Foot

 

Tillee Bergstrom, Featherweight MMA Champion from "Take a Shot, Shoot Your Shot"

 

Well, Shit...I Forgot to Upload This Yesterday! I Must Have Kentucky Fried Brain Again!

 

Private Thurstun Wylson, Robb Sugar's Cellmate in "Marines Love Prison"

 

Logan Paul: a WWE Heat Magnet Who Gets Booed for All the Wrong Reasons...and He's Proud of It!

 

Brian Alvarez: Be Strong! Be Fit! Be...Anything but a Smug Douchebag Who Fat-Shames His Friends!

 

Max Caster: Sounds Less Like Immortal Technique and More Like an Alt-Right Troll