Jerry Seinfeld: Living Proof That Not All Dinosaurs Were Wiped Out

 

Chelsea Green from WWE vs. Your Average Twitter Psycho, Who Is Not a Real Leftist, But a LARPer

 

Jimmy Fallon Has a Very Special Guest Tonight...

 

Ray Parker, Jr. vs. Louis C.K.: Who You Gonna Call? My Lawyer!

 

Zena & Poppy: Where'd You Go? I Miss You So, Seems Like It's Been Forever Since You've Been Gone...

 

R.E.M. vs. Russell Brand: Losing My Religion

 

Shane Gillis: a Brave Free Speech Warrior Who Wets His Pants at Cancel Culture

 

Ken Jennings vs. Mike Richards: Careers in Jeopardy

 

Leanne Silverwood, Shawnita's Classmate from "The Accusers"

 

Shawnita Gilmour, Pet Project for the Titular "Accusers"

 

Tim Lambesis from As I Lay Dying

 

Mayim Bialik

 

Tommy Vext, formerly of Bad Wolves

 

Some Ordinary Gamers

 

Fun fact: he gets his tissues at CostCo because they sell them in bulk.

Liora Rez, Israel's Favorite Butt Kisser

 

Try That in a Comedy Club

VERSE 1: CHEESY COMEDIAN

“Rabbits going back is a receding hare line

That chick’s a parking ticket, ‘cause damn, she’s fine

There’s only one way to catch a unique rabbit

Unique up on it, gob-less the sabbath

I did a line of coke and I wrote down the joke

Rolled a joint full of green and I gave it a smoke

I can make a lot of pennies off the number 420

And the number 69, yo, I got to get mine”

 

CHORUS 1

Try that in a comedy club

You can go to the Apollo, but you’ll get no love

You can call it cancel culture, but I call it fate

Maybe there’s a reason why you get all the hate

 

VERSE 2: EDGY COMEDIAN

“I like to slap bitches, I like to slap hoes

Take a pair of brass knucks across her perfect nose

I identify as the guy who pulls out a knife

Carves the N-word on your head, watch that shit bleed red

You can’t cancel me, ‘cause I’ve got all the money

I’m the only one who decides what’s funny

Not my audience or the world wide web

I’ll be triggering you all ‘til the day I’m dead”

 

CHORUS 1

Try that in a comedy club

You can go to the Apollo, but you’ll get no love

You can call it cancel culture, but I call it fate

Maybe there’s a reason why you get all the hate

 

VERSE 3: ME

You could never measure up to George Carlin’s legend

You say you speak the truth, but he’s the only one who said it

Context is important, but to you it doesn’t matter

‘Cause a list of racial slurs is your ticket to laughter

If a million people laugh, then that’s a million idiots

If a million defend you, then that’s a million hypocrites

At your own funeral, you ain’t an unexpected guest

But nobody showed up to lay your ass to rest

 

CHORUS 2

Try that in the Hall of Fame

All you mediocre men sound about the same

You’d never laugh at a woman on stage

Unless of course she shared your bigoted rage

Try that at the Kennedy Center

Even if you blew the owner, he wouldn’t let you enter

Try that on your Nazi bird app

You’re not triggering the libs, ‘cause no one gives a crap

 

OUTRO: REAL COMEDIAN

“Of course Elon Musk likes to call Twitter X. He’s racked up a lot of exes, because he couldn’t give them O’s on his best day.”

(Audience laughter)

Lose Your Job

VERSE 1

“Get off the couch, I’m a beefy alpha male

You’re a little beta simp with the body of a whale

Stop shoving all those burgers right into your gut

Hit you with a restraining order from Pizza Hut”

Hey wait, do you work at Planet Fitness?

You think being macho’s gonna get you a mistress?

I think your Red Pills might really be steroids

I’m calling your boss, he’ll make you unemployed

 

DIALOGUE

“You gonna fuck with my greenbacks, Cancel Boy?”

You’re goddamn right I am

 

NEENER-NEENER CHORUS

You’re gonna lose your job!

You’re gonna lose your job!

I’m gonna get you fired!

I’m gonna get you fired!

You’re gonna lose your job!

You’re gonna lose your job!

I’m gonna get you fired!

I’m gonna get you fired!

 

VERSE 2

“Hey, little lady, let’s make a million babies

In my cabin in the woods, not the ghettos in the hood

I’ll pay you a hundred bucks to pound your punani

Don’t tell nobody, least of all your nanny”

Hey wait, do you teach history at the school?

Do you make your kids watch Prager U and Tim Pool?

Makes me wonder if your students are virgins

We’ll see what the principal thinks of your perversion

 

DIALOGUE

“But…but…what about my income?”

Fuck your income

 

NEENER-NEENER CHORUS

You’re gonna lose your job!

You’re gonna lose your job!

I’m gonna get you fired!

I’m gonna get you fired!

You’re gonna lose your job!

You’re gonna lose your job!

I’m gonna get you fired!

I’m gonna get you fired!

 

BRIDGE

I’m petty as fuck, because you had to suck

I don’t give a shit if you’ve got negative bucks

There’s a homeless dude who wants your job

But you brushed him off as a drunken slob

There’s an impoverished mom and her son

Who you love to tell that, “Trump still won!”

But no, let’s pretend you’re the real victim

And every minority’s a top-hat-wearing villain

 

DIALOGUE

“I got canceled! What’ll I do now?”

Pull yourself up by the bootstraps!

OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!

 

NEENER-NEENER CHORUS

You’re gonna lose your job!

You’re gonna lose your job!

I’m gonna get you fired!

I’m gonna get you fired!

You’re gonna lose your job!

You’re gonna lose your job!

I’m gonna get you fired!

I’m gonna get you fired!

My Heroes Are Assholes

 VERSE 1

My heroes sip champagne from a sunken tub

Their sins can’t be scrubbed with bubbly-bubs

Put dark lords in boxes, I’ll give you my balls

Shoot a few foxes, you gave me The Wall

Slag off on the trans, you gave me an edge

Grab a chick’s cans, you pulled me off the ledge

Get away with murder, you gave me new life

Shame those who eat burgers, you parasocial wife

CHORUS

My heroes are assholes

It’s not worth the hassle

To get me an autograph

My heroes are bitches

They get left in stitches

Look in the mirror and laugh

I miss the days of naivety

I miss the days of naivety

VERSE 2

My heroes are older, now they’ve grown colder

Their hatred of young people only gets bolder

No consequences when they kick down defenses

Only Law & Order for those with poverty expenses

To all the foot soldiers, it’s called Cancel Culture

A dog whistle for the machinegun holders

There will be no justice, social or otherwise

Just another day of twisting the butterfly knife

CHORUS

My heroes are assholes

It’s not worth the hassle

To get me an autograph

My heroes are bitches

They get left in stitches

Look in the mirror and laugh

I miss the days of naivety

I miss the days of naivety

BRIDGE

There’s only one hero I can truly rely on

Me, myself, and I, it’s the hill I’ll die on

Others paved the way when I was a boy

I walk that road as a man without joy

FINAL LINES

I miss the days of naivety

I miss the days of naivety

Judgment Day (Never Back Down)

When Judgment Day comes, may I never back down

May I strike the match and burn it all to the ground

Sticks and stones are going to break my bones

And then you can film it all on your new iPhone

Names will never hurt me, but we know that’s a lie

It’s the buzzing in my brain that makes me want to die

Don’t call it Cancel Culture, ‘cause it’s consequences

It’s called the First Amendment, in all of your defenses

I don’t need whole army to make my excuses

Anything they do will end up being so useless

Let the town square pull out their own hair

‘Cause rage and depravation are their arms to bear

When shit comes to an end, none of us are right

Subjectivity is why we all love to fight

We see the fucked up world through our own lenses

And then bite down on our jaws with stressful intentions

Can we come together? Why would we want to?

To be fair I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near you

All this zealot fire and not a new thing was learned

We still hate each other and the world still burned

All this strangulation over one of my songs

Keep the message simple, just tell me that I’m wrong

On any given day, I could be weak or strong

I ebb and flow so much, yet I’m floundering along

I guess I’ll go back to my comfort zone

And never have to care about those sticks and stones

Judgment Day passed and I never backed down

I’ll see you all tomorrow, we can take it back around

Monuments of Cringe

There are certain parts of your past where you should not plant your flagpole. There are certain hills you don’t want to die on. There are certain dumpster fires in your life that will burn you so badly that your ashes will blow away like a fart in the wind. The other day I discovered one of mine that I’m probably going to regret sharing with the world. I signed up for a Letterboxd account so that I could have a place to post my movie reviews. One of those reviews was for the 1985 film adaptation of Clue. I wrote this review when I was thirty years old, so I should have been mature enough to not go through with this horrible shit. But in this review, I…um…I, uh…laughed at Miss Scarlet’s “fruit” joke about Mr. Green (who’s gay) and I…suggested that it’s okay to ogle Yvette the Maid before you realize what she looks like now that she’s older.

That Clue review was what I like to call a Monument of Cringe, of which I have thousands of all over the internet. I read what I wrote and I cringed in disgust. My face was the color of zerg piss. My body shivered like someone dropped a toaster in my bathtub. My insides melted into whale slurry at the thought of someone eventually finding this review and broadcasting it out the world. And then the internet celebrates my past mistake with the hashtag “Garrison Kelly Is Over Party”, although my writing career won’t be derailed because I never went far to begin with. I’m grateful to have a small audience. But what if it grows overnight and they wade through this museum of cringe together? All of my embarrassment broadcast for the world to see. Hell, I probably said some embarrassing shit in this essay right now that I’ll get raked over the coals because of.

So what do you do when you realize that you have Monuments of Cringe all over the internet? What do you do when you realize your own published books are Stonehenges of Cringe? What do you do when you realize you built an entire legacy out of being disgusting and horrible in the way you’ve written? Nothing. You don’t delete your entire social media presence. You don’t pull your books off the shelves. If you must apologize to your audience, do so in a genuine and heartfelt way. Don’t make excuses. Remind your audience that they deserve better behavior from someone they look up to. And when you promise to keep growing, keep that promise and be the best version of yourself that you can be.

Because the truth is, a lot of art from the past doesn’t age well. Remember Ace Ventura: Pet Detective? Remember how the audience hee-hawed when they discovered that Einhorn had a boner in her underwear? Well, if you’ve made any effort to unlearn that behavior, you’ll see that transphobia is more harmful than funny and should therefore stay out of comedy forever. Remember all those jokes you heard from Boomer comedians about how much they hate their wives? Remember when the ultra-fat dinner guest ate the “wafer-thin mint” in Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life and then exploded all over the restaurant? Do you know why these things and many other pieces of media are now considered Monuments of Cringe? Because we’re (hopefully) learning more about the world around us. The more we learn, the more we apply it. And the more we apply it and grow into better people, the less likely we are to hold onto piss-poor nostalgia. That’s how life works: it progresses into the future.

I’ve decided after spiraling into disgust at my own past, I’m going to keep my Monuments of Cringe up. Not only do I have so many of them out there that I can’t get rid of them all, but I continue to create them in the present day and there will come a time when they age badly too. Learning to be a better person isn’t something that stops happening when you get to a certain point. It keeps going and going until the day you’re lowered into a wooden box with RIP scrawled across it. You can’t change the past no matter how hard you try. Yes, people will willingly see the ugliest parts of you before they see the best. But for every zergling and goblin that eats you alive, there are even more people who love you. You have to go out of your way to find them, but love is there if you look for it. Hell, there are people who still love J.K. Rowling even though she’s a transphobic bastard. There’s hope for you yet if you have even half the number of Monuments of Cringe that I do.

Perfection is a myth. Everybody has something they’re not proud of. Those who work on atoning for their worst behavior will successfully do so. Those who can’t admit it when they’ve fucked up? Well, let’s just say the over party will be complete with a disco ball and a bowl full of cheese dip. I’m telling you all now that if you happen to stumble upon my Monuments of Cringe and you think the worst of me, I apologize with all of my heart. If it’s years after the fact and another person finds them, I’ll apologize again. And if the future continues to roll on and I get called out for it again, I’ll apologize again. And again. And again. And again. While it is true that you can’t please everybody, you should at least try to be a halfway decent person even if perfection is indeed a myth. You may feel like you’re being looked at under a microscope. I do too sometimes. But if you think you feel alone, try being in the shoes of someone you’ve disenfranchised with your worst behavior.

But if you must hold an over party in my name, at least bring refreshments. Bring lots of Diet Coke. Bring enough pizzas to touch the ceiling. Bring enough bags of potato chips to give me the heart attack you’ve always wanted me to have. While I am sorry for every horrible thing I’ve said over my lifetime, I do indeed have a life to live. Will I live it with you? Will we eat potato chips together and dip them in a wading pool full of sour cream? Will we shove giant handfuls of cake in our mouths and talk about the world together (not with our mouths full, of course)? When I’m done atoning for my sins, I want to party with all of you. The Garrison Kelly over party has a conga line that I’ll gladly lead. Let’s party like it’s…a year that hopefully aged better than whatever god awful nonsense the 80’s and 90’s were. But if you ask me, I’ve erected more Monuments of Cringe in the 2000’s than at any point in my career. Remember Deus Shadowheart and Dr. Scott Cain? No? Good, let’s keep it that way.