Tom MacDonald Had a Pharm

 

Nyla Rose: the Secret Desire of Transphobic Men Everywhere

 

Vinny Verhei from Wrestling Observer Live vs. AJ Styles from WWE: You Can't Please Everybody, So Don't Even Try

 

Nate Silver vs. Donald Trump a.k.a. the REAL King of Wishful Thinking, Not Go West

 

Kleptometer

VERSE 1

You had decades to put two slugs in my chest

And you couldn’t be bothered to give me your best

You spent your whole life in agony because I exist

For the love of god, move on, because we all insist

You need around-the-clock care for your butthurt derriere

You failed on purpose, yet you say it’s not fair

That I breathe in greatness and breathe out revolution

While you’re writing angry essays on The Final Solution

 

CHORUS

I’m so happy that I wasted your time

Not a great place to stick all your nickels and dimes

Save your Benjamins and Hamiltons for NFTs

The kleptometer’s readings are really sending me

 

VERSE 2

Put some money in my wallet just like you should

Then you say you’ll go nuclear if my work isn’t good

Sight unseen is how you describe your purchase

But you already decided that my thoughts are worthless

Guys like you and me have never been equal

We share the biology, but we’re two different people

You put too much stock in burning down the whole planet

And you blow a gasket when I say I won’t have it

 

CHORUS

I’m so happy that I wasted your time

Not a great place to stick all your nickels and dimes

Save your Benjamins and Hamiltons for NFTs

The kleptometer’s readings are really sending me

 

VERSE 3

Curiosity never once killed the cat

It never killed anyone, what do you think about that?

But sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong

Is so much worse when you think you’re never wrong

I’ve got a lifetime of lessons I could pass down to you

But you’re special, so you don’t need anything new

Just keep opening your mouth for a helping of slop

And keep on chowing down until your belly pops

 

CHORUS

I’m so happy that I wasted your time

Not a great place to stick all your nickels and dimes

Save your Benjamins and Hamiltons for NFTs

The kleptometer’s readings are really sending me

 

OUTRO

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Your palms are sweating as you count down the clock

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Only minutes remain until you’re stiff as a rock

Tick, tock, tick, tock

You could have forged any path you wanted to

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Now you take your last breath, bitch face goes blue

Randal Graves from Clerks vs. Lindsey Graham, Whose Last Name Should Also Be Graves, Hint, Hint, Wink, Wink (Rest in Piss, Loser)

 

"Judge" Bruce Schroeder: Passed the Bar, Failed the Country

 

Millennium: A Room with No View...and a Stereo System with No Rock n' Roll

 

This episode aired on TV in 1998. Landon's going to have a looooooooong wait between then and 2015.

Simple Plan vs. Eric July: The Most Memed Song of All Time Makes a Comeback for a Whiny Libertarian

The Shield: David Aceveda vs. Juan Lozano a.k.a. the Award-Winning Meteorologist

 

David Bowie vs. Larry Elder a.k.a. the Guy Who Lost Like a Bitch to Gavin Newsom

 

Leopold from "Kate & Leopold" vs. Eric Bischoff: Farmer's Bounty Tastes Better

 

Ed from Ed, Edd, n' Eddy vs. Chuck Schumer a.k.a. the Reason Corporate Centrism Is Dogshit

 

Tyler Durden from Fight Club vs. Ron Christie: No Background Checks Necessary

 

Alfred E. Neuman vs. Judge Judy: See You Next Tuesday, Your Honor

 

Vincent Vega from Pulp Fiction vs. Sheetal Awchar: "It's the Same Ballpark"

 

Pulp Fiction: What Does Donald Trump Look Like?

 

Cat R. Scott vs. Garrison's Autism, a Common Opponent These Days

 

Pretty Much Every Fitness Influencer Gym Bro Macho Man Yada Yada Yada

 

Butch Coolidge from Pulp Fiction vs. The Quartering: Happy Belated Pride Month!

 

Calcobrena from Final Fantasy IV vs. Garrison's Autism (a Common Opponent These Days)

 

If anybody has a problem with my shirt, I can always take it off...slowly...with "Pump Up the Volume" playing in the background. Get your dollar bills ready and make that shit rain.

Jerry Seinfeld: Living Proof That Not All Dinosaurs Were Wiped Out

 

Dr. Larry Nassar: His Medical License Was Suspended, But His Prison Sentence Was Not

 

Chelsea Green from WWE vs. Your Average Twitter Psycho, Who Is Not a Real Leftist, But a LARPer

 

Bart Simpson vs. Ghislaine Maxwell: If She Looks Like a Monster, It's Because She Is One

 

Hunter Griggs from Suicide Squad X the New York Street Vendor from The Simpsons: Because Dark Humor Never Goes Out of Style

 

Hellyeah vs. the Chehalis Middle School Choir, Which I Was a Member of and I Hated Every Second of It

 

When You Call Your Heavy Metal Band Lamb of God, You Can't Complain About Confusing People

 

Ophelia Cornell: Legendary Serial Killer from "Dungeon of Love"

 

Olimpia DeJesus, World-Class Wrestler and Murder Suspect from "Seven Star Reads"

 

Noella Klarke, Conformist Commander from "The Meat Squadron"

 

Meat Squadron Soldier from "The Meat Squadron" (DUH!)

 

Marigold DiAngelo, Because You Can't Have "Emilio & Marigold" Without Her

 

Marcus Brock, Dirty Detective from "Virtuous"

 

Clue: Because Syntax Matters...A LOT!

Heather Ryan (Jeopardy) X Rey Skywalker (Star Wars): Glasses Are Pretty Fucking Cool, Actually

 

Angel Reese vs. Garrison's Autism: HOME RUN!

 

Wayne LaPierre: One of Stephen Miller's Brainwashers, the Other Being Larry Elder

 

Jeff Bezos: A Wealth Hoarder with MAGA Lipstick Marks on His Butt Cheeks

 

Larry David vs. Waldo: Blending in with the Crowd Isn't the Flex You Think It Is

 

Cynical Reviews: Definitely Not a Furry, But It Won't Stop His Fans from Asking

 

Marcelis Galvani, Religious Scammer from "Jumping for Jesus"

 

The Moody Blues vs. Jorge Masvidal: Enjoy Your Humble Pie, Bootlicker

 

Luke Skywalker vs. Ashley St. Clair: Cringe Culture Must Die