Kleptometer

VERSE 1

You had decades to put two slugs in my chest

And you couldn’t be bothered to give me your best

You spent your whole life in agony because I exist

For the love of god, move on, because we all insist

You need around-the-clock care for your butthurt derriere

You failed on purpose, yet you say it’s not fair

That I breathe in greatness and breathe out revolution

While you’re writing angry essays on The Final Solution

 

CHORUS

I’m so happy that I wasted your time

Not a great place to stick all your nickels and dimes

Save your Benjamins and Hamiltons for NFTs

The kleptometer’s readings are really sending me

 

VERSE 2

Put some money in my wallet just like you should

Then you say you’ll go nuclear if my work isn’t good

Sight unseen is how you describe your purchase

But you already decided that my thoughts are worthless

Guys like you and me have never been equal

We share the biology, but we’re two different people

You put too much stock in burning down the whole planet

And you blow a gasket when I say I won’t have it

 

CHORUS

I’m so happy that I wasted your time

Not a great place to stick all your nickels and dimes

Save your Benjamins and Hamiltons for NFTs

The kleptometer’s readings are really sending me

 

VERSE 3

Curiosity never once killed the cat

It never killed anyone, what do you think about that?

But sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong

Is so much worse when you think you’re never wrong

I’ve got a lifetime of lessons I could pass down to you

But you’re special, so you don’t need anything new

Just keep opening your mouth for a helping of slop

And keep on chowing down until your belly pops

 

CHORUS

I’m so happy that I wasted your time

Not a great place to stick all your nickels and dimes

Save your Benjamins and Hamiltons for NFTs

The kleptometer’s readings are really sending me

 

OUTRO

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Your palms are sweating as you count down the clock

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Only minutes remain until you’re stiff as a rock

Tick, tock, tick, tock

You could have forged any path you wanted to

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Now you take your last breath, bitch face goes blue

AK Spray Is the Only Way

INTRO

I don’t want stress management skills

I want an AK-47

I don’t want to negotiate with my abusers

I want an AK-47

I don’t want to apologize to angry customers

I want an AK-47

Because AK spray is the only way!

 

VERSE 1

You can call me a cosplay revolutionary

You can say I’m no different from a bloody mercenary

You can call me an edgelord visionary

You can call me undesirable and say you’ll never marry

But all I want is justice, a little bit of substance

To go with the speeches of authority’s reaches

Violence is the language of the voiceless

Desperation is the language of the choiceless

 

CHORUS

AK spray is the only way

To turn every day into Judgment Day

I can play God while you play them like a fiddle

Here’s a rain of bullets to meet you in the middle

 

VERSE 2

Childhood trauma killed all my potential

And they’re the ones with the nerve to call me mental

Blame me for my own pain, do it for their own gain

And all I’ve got is, “I’m fine” when I’m asked if I’m okay

Nothing like a smoking barrel to loosen their lips

World’s easiest confessions, descend the iceberg tip

Even they know the lake of fire’s a one-way trip

Scan their boarding passes, they’re called bullets in their asses

 

CHORUS

AK spray is the only way

To turn every day into Judgment Day

I can play God while you play them like a fiddle

Here’s a rain of bullets to meet you in the middle

 

BRIDGE

When the senators and reps break all their promises

When the Thin Blue Line takes a million hostages

Logic and reason never permeate their brains

But a flood of bullets will, now clean up all the stains

 

CHORUS

AK spray is the only way

To turn every day into Judgment Day

I can play God while you play them like a fiddle

Here’s a rain of bullets to meet you in the middle

It’s just a fantasy and my words are only words

It’s my very best defense from being called a jailbird

But only privilege and riches will get the benefit of the doubt

The womb’s the way in, electric chair’s the way out

Launch the Third Rock, Pt. 2

I used to love the idea of reincarnation

That was before the rise of fascist nations

Before I was broken by capitalist education

Before the churchies tried to outlaw masturbation

 

Never thought I’d be jealous of an aborted fetus

Never thought I’d be thankful for a virgin penis

Wouldn’t bring a new child into this fucked up world

When their only options in life are boy or girl

 

It’s not just America, it’s the whole third rock

Everybody wants a piece of the awe and shock

Everybody does it for the lulz and the laughs

Israeli bombs get David Draiman’s autograph

 

Talk about Disturbed, you ain’t seen shit

You got to be disturbed to want any of it

You got to be fucked up in the head really bad

To enjoy the bloodshed that drives all of us mad

 

Of course you pretend like everything’s okay

‘Cause your American way is the only way

It’s the country where Jesus will come back to life

Bring you to heaven and leave behind your trad wife

 

Praying on your knees never got you anywhere

Except into a box after years of despair

The elite don’t like you, they do not respect you

Vote for them all you want, they will not protect you

 

Launch the third rock into the sun in the sky

That’s where we left off, but I’m wondering why

Shouldn’t we take this shit past the point of no return

You like to threaten hellfire? Burn, baby, burn!

 

You afraid of The Devil? He was here all along

He was every alpha leader pretending to be strong

He was every dictator who silenced his critics

Wouldn’t entertain the chance to learn and listen

 

You want your own bubble? Now you’ve got it

Protect you from the truth, the wise ones taught it

Protect your pretty soul, the greenbacks bought it

Nobody visits you, because your heart is rotten

 

We don’t have a loneliness epidemic around here

Got an epidemic of fascists blasting out our ears

You deserve to lose every best friend you’ve got

Your family too, whether you like it or not

Somewhere in the World

VERSE 1

Somewhere in the world, a wife is beaten

Her man calls it a crowning achievement

His woman covered in red, purple, blue

At least she’s someone you never knew

If she had a name, would you start to care?

Or is empathetic pain too much to share?

It didn’t happen in your US of A

So keep sipping your chardonnay

VERSE 2

Somewhere in the world, a woman loves you

Her smile can disarm, her eyes can hush you

Sooner or later, she’ll ask if she can touch you

To anyone with doubts, you say, “Fuck you!”

Hop on a plane and feel your butt go numb

Twelve hours of an engine’s obnoxious hum

When you finally land, you hold out your hand

Police cuff your wrists, fingerprints are scanned

BRIDGE

False realization, no lessons are learned

You simp for one while the other burned

Young, horny, and don’t give a fuck

The ones who need you most are shit out of luck

VERSE 3

Somewhere in the world, a dictator falls

Sledgehammers knock down the border walls

It’s closer to home, just check on your phone

Or you can open your ears to the angry tones

Do you feel your comfort zone getting smaller?

Do you want to be a Karen 9-1-1 caller?

Is it close enough when it happens to you?

Apathy still painted in red, white, and blue

FINAL VERSE

Somewhere in the world, kids are laughing

Somewhere in the world, kittens napping

Somewhere in the world, who knows where?

Do your fucking research if you deeply care

Hope Punk

VERSE 1

Worldwide genocide, national pride

Taking the sheep for a nickel ride

Insanity is the brand new reason

Jingoism is the brand new treason

Thinking hate is something great

It’s sealing this world’s final fate

Dictators pop up in every country

I don’t find this shit normal or funny

CHORUS

Hey, Hope Punk! Let’s rise up!

Let’s show them we can win this one!

Hey, victim! Rise from the grave!

No more living like mindless slaves!

Hey, Hope Punk! Hey, victim!

Let love conquer this unjust system!

VERSE 2

Refuse, resist, stay fucking pissed

No one tells us how to fucking live

Never tell us to sit down and take it

Dystopian bullshit will never make it

Build utopia from our hearts and souls

Everybody matters in these new roles

Be an activist, the fucking catalyst

Worldwide change can be arranged

CHORUS

Hey, Hope Punk! Let’s rise up!

Let’s show them we can win this one!

Hey, victim! Rise from the grave!

No more living like mindless slaves!

Hey, Hope Punk! Hey, victim!

Let love conquer this unjust system!

VERSE 3

Democracy doesn’t have to die

To say otherwise is a blatant lie

Some doubters will never even try

Content to let their lives pass them by

The countdown clock is ticking away

Won’t settle for less for another day

Won’t settle for mediocre or just okay

We’ve got the power, we’re here to stay

CHORUS

Hey, Hope Punk! Let’s rise up!

Let’s show them we can win this one!

Hey, victim! Rise from the grave!

No more living like mindless slaves!

Hey, Hope Punk! Hey, victim!

Let love conquer this unjust system!

FINAL WORDS

Hey, Hope Punk!

Hey, victim!

Hey, Hope Punk!

Time to bring the loudest funk!

Some People Never Die

CHORUS 1

Some people never die

They thrive on those who cry

On those who dare ask why

Some people never die

VERSE 1

Friends come and go, assholes are forever

Pissing on your party like stormy weather

Killing the planet and killing its people

It’s evil for the sake of just being evil

Hate is their lifeblood, death is their air

The devil and his demons don’t compare

The innocents are left to pick up the tab

Long after laying on cold metal slabs

CHORUS 2

Some people never die

Don’t even fucking try

To get your share of pie

Some people never die

VERSE 2

Mortality is only for those at the bottom

It’s not just a fucking first world problem

The elite of the elite are treated like gods

They get to pick who falls for the frauds

They get to choose who lives and who dies

That’s what they mean by Right to Life

Shoot first and ask questions later, son

Isn’t this a lot of goddamn fucking fun?

CHORUS 3

Some people never die

Some people buy into lies

Some shit just always flies

Some people never die

Some people live forever

Some people have it better

Some people rule the world

Making their queens’ toes curl

CHORUS 4

Some people are pieces of shit

While others had enough of it

Some people are worthy of hate

Revolution? Why should we wait?

Some people wore out their welcomes

While others feel fucking helpless

Some people never die

Some people never fucking die!

Black Panther

MOVIE TITLE: Black Panther

DIRECTOR: Ryan Coogler

YEAR: 2018

GENRE: Superhero

RATING: PG-13 for violence and language

GRADE: Extra Credit

The secret African nation of Wakanda harvests a powerful mineral called vibranium and uses the unstable element as the basis for all of their technology. Part of their technological advancements include an impenetrable superhero suit for the king of Wakanda, T’Challa a.k.a. Black Panther. A mysterious black American soldier named Erik “Killmonger” Stevens wants the vibranium for himself so that he can carry out his own political agenda. The power struggle between Black Panther and Killmonger runs deeper than just superficial greed. Revenge, revolution, and altruism are at the heart of this battle in which loyalties will be tested on both sides of the equation.

The main reason this movie gets an extra credit grade is because of how strongly black people are portrayed. Representation matters, especially in a world where racism and classism governs every part of American life. The audience will love the Black Panther character for more reasons than just being a kick-ass superhero. There’s a struggle within him that’s more taxing than the physical battles he endures. He wants to be a good king to his people, but a small part of him wants to share his loyalty with the entire world despite protests from his own subjects. This dynamic between selfishness and altruism is something we all have to consider in our lives. We need to have empathy for each other if our world is going to know true peace and the director seems to agree with that sentiment. Blood begets more blood and love begets more love. Underneath all of the action-packed fight scenes, the truth resides, though some people aren’t ready to hear that truth, which is why we have the bloodbaths we have today.

But of course, if the power struggle is to be believed, then the villain must buy into his own hype and make a strong case for it. That’s exactly what Killmonger does and the actor’s portrayal of such is to be praised. Killmonger wants revenge on a world that looks down upon him with racist bigotry. He wants to overthrow entire governments just so he can flash a middle finger to the man. It goes to show that even in a superhero movie like this, there are shades of gray in between the two extremes. The audience actually has to think for themselves and decide what is right. I hate power hungry oligarchs as much as anybody, but do we need constant assassinations left and right? It’s easy to give into the dark side when anger becomes your driving force. Be better than that. I’m begging you.

No matter what side King T’Challa takes, he’s going to have to pay his dues with one hundred percent interest. Just because he’s a superhero, doesn’t mean he’s not vulnerable to losing every now and then. Physical strength and godlike endurance can only take a man so far. It’s what’s on the inside that will bring him to any victories he needs. Anybody can throw a spear. Anybody can shoot a machinegun. But the real enemy must be conquered from within and that takes more strength than a bullet can provide. Some people don’t have that strength and they either meet an early death or they cross the moral event horizon themselves. Can Black Panther pass his own moral test? Buy a ticket and see for yourself.

In the same way that Wonder Woman was empowering to females, Black Panther is empowering for black people. While it’s nice to live vicariously through the titular superhero, it’s what we do in the real world that will make the biggest difference. What will you do to make a change? Will your actions be more powerful than a lead bullet? Will you become superhuman by virtue of your work towards a better day? Black Panther will steer you in the right direction and for that it gets an extra credit grade.

Vote With a Flamethrower

VERSE 1
If you can’t stand the way this place is
Burn it down, douse the flames with piss
Mark the graves with a pile of ashes
Mark the living with fiery slashes


CHORUS
Vote with a flamethrower!
Vote! Vote!
Vote with fire!
Vote with a flamethrower!
Vote! Vote!
Pyrocratic justice!


VERSE 2
The glass ceiling is coming down on us
While the fortunate ones lick their lips with lust
Cash is worthless if it’s burning to pulp
Let’s torch this shit and get out of this cult


CHORUS
Vote with a flamethrower!
Vote! Vote!
Vote with fire!
Vote with a flamethrower!
Vote! Vote!
Pyrocratic justice!


VERSE 3
The apocalypse was a long time coming
There is no sense in turning and running
The rebel souls have fire in their hearts
They’d love nothing more than tearing shit apart
The rage was building up for hundreds of years
We tried to extinguish the fires with our tears
But in the very end, all ashes look the same
When they’re caught up in a whirlwind of flames


HOOK
Fear, hatred, zeal, and sorrow
There truly is no tomorrow
All they had to do was knock off the bullshit
Now all that’s left is a smoldering lava pit
Could things have really been different for us?
Depends on the voices we could actually trust
Insulting debates are no longer a must
The world we know is burning into dust!


EXTENDED CHORUS
Vote with a flamethrower!
Vote! Vote!
Vote with fire!
Vote with a flamethrower!
Vote! Vote!
Pyrocratic justice!
Vote with a flame thrower!
Vote! Vote!
Breathe in the smoke!
Vote with your heart’s desire!
Vote! Vote!
Watch the world catch on fire!

Rookie Revenge

VERSE 1
It isn’t that I’m not coachable
It isn’t that I’m not approachable
But when your anger burns so bright
I will unleash the demon inside


CHORUS
Respect is never a one-way street
Rookies are never pieces of meat
Coaches will have to accept defeat
Rookie revenge is oh so sweet


VERSE 2
It isn’t that I’m not teachable
It isn’t that I’m not reachable
But when you put your hands on me
I will make you burn and bleed
Respect for authority has to be earned
This is the most important lesson to learn
When you treat human beings like animals
We’ll eat you alive like a cannibal


CHORUS
Respect is never a one-way street
Rookies are never pieces of meat
Coaches will have to accept defeat
Rookie revenge is oh so sweet


VERSE 3
Blow your whistle, blow your horn
Throw off the mask of sanity worn
Scream until your throat is bleeding
And I shall unleash a savage beating


EXTENDED CHORUS
Respect is never a one-way street
Rookies are never pieces of meat
Coaches will have to accept defeat
Rookie revenge is oh so sweet
I smell the blood from miles away
I see the scars like the light of day
Are you happy, Mr. Drill Instructor?
I am too, you abusive motherfucker!

WWE Night of Champions: Charlotte vs. Nikki Bella

MATCH: Charlotte vs. Nikki Bella for the latter’s Divas Championship, which she could have lost also by disqualification or count-out
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Night of Champions
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass


For the longest time, the divas division of the WWE has been in murky waters. It has been plagued with short matches performed by smoking hot supermodels who fight more like cats than real wrestlers. If a WWE fan wanted to watch women’s wrestling that was actually entertaining, he or she had to get a subscription to the WWE Network and watch NXT. That all changed in a heartbeat one night. Almost a full year had passed since Nikki Bella won the Divas Championship against AJ Lee at Survivor Series in 2014 in a twenty-second disaster. Nikki, her twin sister Brie, and Alicia Fox all got together and danced in the middle of the ring thinking they had complete reign over the divas division.

And then Stephanie McMahon’s “Queendom” music played and out came the iron-fisted queen of WWE herself. She cut a promo about how female athletes all around the world were getting recognition for being just as good or even better than their male counterpart, whether it’s Ronda Rousey in the UFC or Carli Lloyd in soccer. Stephanie believed the WWE should be a part of that women’s revolution as well. So what did she do? She called three NXT divas up to the main roster: Charlotte, Becky Lynch, and Sasha Banks. Not just NXT divas, but badass battlers who could break a supermodel in half with just one punch.

And then the Divas Revolution was underway. The matches were longer, the women got better storylines, they got time in the ring to cut promos, and the matches were actually fun-to-watch wrestling competitions instead of just boring catfights. Despite this adrenaline shot to the heart of the divas division, there were still critics out there who thought pushing all of these women to the top was a waste of time. WWE Hall of Famer Greg “The Hammer” Valentine gave the most disgusting quote of the year when he said if he was in charge of the WWE, he would fire all of the divas and make them work in strip bars. I’m still waiting for Ronda Rousey to put this asshole in a shoulder lock and rip his goddamn arm out. If I have to wait forever, then damn it, I’ll wait forever.

At WWE Night of Champions in the year 2015, the critics would have duct tape on their mouths forever. Charlotte had just earned a chance to face Nikki Bella at this event for the latter’s Divas Championship. With her father Ric Flair and the NXT staff’s training, Charlotte could accomplish anything she wanted to. She was tall, lean, athletic, and she could beat the crap out of anybody put in front of her. She once out-wrestled Natalya for the vacant NXT Title. Natalya was trained in wrestling and jujitsu in the infamous Hart Dungeon, so getting a hard-fought victory over her in a classic back-and-forth war is saying something. Now Charlotte looks to do the same with Nikki Bella.

Before this match started, Nikki Bella was being written off by fans across the world as a supermodel with a middle school mentality who got an easy path to success by beating other girls just as “weak” as her. When the match actually started, she showed how much of a vicious wrestler she could be. Nikki’s entire game plan throughout the match was to not just attack Charlotte’s left leg, but also maul it, destroy it, and cripple it.

And damn, did Nikki deliver on that game plan. She suplexed Charlotte into the ropes and turnbuckles with the victim’s knee landing right on those hard structures. And while Charlotte was sitting on the ring apron hoping to recover, Nikki grabbed her injured leg and threw her to the concrete floor in a hard-hitting move known as the Dragon Screw. To add insult to injury, Nikki applied Ric Flair’s patented submission hold, the Figure Four Leg Lock, across the steel ring post with Charlotte’s legs bound and twisted in ways they’re not supposed to bend. And then the champion applied more pressure on the leg by twisting it backwards in a Single-Leg Boston Crab. And then more suplexes into the ropes and corners. And then a shoulder tackle to the back of the leg.

The relentless assault took a huge toll on Charlotte’s mobility. She was so badly in pain that she couldn’t even walk straight, let alone run off the ropes for a decent clothesline. My niece Reina watched this match with me and though she wasn’t in it, she still had aches and pains going through her own body while she was empathizing with Charlotte. If competing in this match cripples Charlotte, then the viewers at home and at the Houston, Texas arena would leave in wheelchairs. That’s how torturous this match looked on TV.

Which is why it’s so rewarding for the underdog Charlotte to come back from this endless pain and pull off a big move that will win her the Divas Championship. As Nikki dove off the top rope for another shoulder tackle, she got a spear tackle of her own right to the gut compliments of the challenger for her title. And then Charlotte did the unthinkable. Even with her severely battered left leg, she applied not only her father’s Figure Four Leg Lock to Nikki, but also bridged backwards to make it The Figure Eight. She held this position for as long as she painstakingly could and Nikki Bella eventually tapped out to lose the championship, ending her reign at 300-plus days.

Overcoming adversity is something women have had to do not just in sports, but in life in general. They had to take beatings just to earn the right to vote in America, they had to live as pariahs just to have the right to divorce their husbands, they’re being shot at for wanting feminine healthcare, and even today in this somewhat liberalized culture, women still have to fight for recognition in this world.

After seeing Charlotte win a hard-fought match for her first WWE Divas Championship in which the referee almost stopped it due to injury, I only have one thing left to say to Greg Valentine and everyone else who thinks that a woman’s place is in the kitchen. Would you really trust a red-hot warrior like Charlotte or Ronda Rousey with an iron skillet in one hand and a bread knife in the other? You want a woman to cook and clean for you? Okay. She can cook you with a flame thrower and clean the evidence of your existence off the floors so that the police don‘t suspect a thing. How does that sound?