My Personal Space Is Not a Free Country

CHORUS

My personal space is not a free country

Not a debate where you go headhunting

Not a democracy, not a theocracy

Not pornography with rape and sodomy

VERSE 1

I’m a working class stiff from Port Orchard

I spend my time giving out fast food orders

Don’t like what I eat? Fuck off from the heat

The kitchen’s too hot, but you act like it’s not

Raise your voice at me like a drill instructor

You get double middle fingers, you motherfucker

You’re in my zone, you don’t have free speech

Don’t whine about welfare, you’re the real leech

CHORUS

My personal space is not a free country

Not a debate where you go headhunting

Not a democracy, not a theocracy

Not pornography with rape and sodomy

VERSE 2

Autistic obsessions over trivial hobbies

They’re mine all mine, no point in sobbing

I’ll spend my time doing whatever I want

You call it a waste of time, it’s clearly not

I’m having fun without hurting anybody

I’m not your specimen to probe and study

Never once told you to stop watching football

So fuck all the way off, it’s the only good call

EXTENDED CHORUS

My personal space is not a free country

Not a debate where you go headhunting

Not a democracy, not a theocracy

Not pornography with rape and sodomy

If I hit a block button on the internet app

Don’t come at me with your bigoted crap

My personal space is not a town square

I never asked you, so I don’t really care

BRIDGE

Put your gun away, you won’t need it here

Shelve your holy book, my message is clear

Do all of that shit behind your own closed doors

Don’t treat my house like a base for the Corps

FINAL LINE

My personal space is not a free country!

Hope Punk

VERSE 1

Worldwide genocide, national pride

Taking the sheep for a nickel ride

Insanity is the brand new reason

Jingoism is the brand new treason

Thinking hate is something great

It’s sealing this world’s final fate

Dictators pop up in every country

I don’t find this shit normal or funny

CHORUS

Hey, Hope Punk! Let’s rise up!

Let’s show them we can win this one!

Hey, victim! Rise from the grave!

No more living like mindless slaves!

Hey, Hope Punk! Hey, victim!

Let love conquer this unjust system!

VERSE 2

Refuse, resist, stay fucking pissed

No one tells us how to fucking live

Never tell us to sit down and take it

Dystopian bullshit will never make it

Build utopia from our hearts and souls

Everybody matters in these new roles

Be an activist, the fucking catalyst

Worldwide change can be arranged

CHORUS

Hey, Hope Punk! Let’s rise up!

Let’s show them we can win this one!

Hey, victim! Rise from the grave!

No more living like mindless slaves!

Hey, Hope Punk! Hey, victim!

Let love conquer this unjust system!

VERSE 3

Democracy doesn’t have to die

To say otherwise is a blatant lie

Some doubters will never even try

Content to let their lives pass them by

The countdown clock is ticking away

Won’t settle for less for another day

Won’t settle for mediocre or just okay

We’ve got the power, we’re here to stay

CHORUS

Hey, Hope Punk! Let’s rise up!

Let’s show them we can win this one!

Hey, victim! Rise from the grave!

No more living like mindless slaves!

Hey, Hope Punk! Hey, victim!

Let love conquer this unjust system!

FINAL WORDS

Hey, Hope Punk!

Hey, victim!

Hey, Hope Punk!

Time to bring the loudest funk!

"A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo" by Jill Twiss

BOOK TITLE: A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo

AUTHOR: Jill Twiss

YEAR: 2018

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: LGBT Children’s Book

GRADE: Extra Credit

In the stuffiest room in the white house, there lived Marlon Bundo, a lovable bunny rabbit whose grandpa is the dull and boring Vice President Mike Pence. Feeling lonely in his little room, Marlon hops out into the garden and meets another beautiful male bunny named Wesley. The two rabbits fall in love and decide to get married so that they can hop everywhere forever. The only thing stopping them is the strict rule of Mr. Stink Bug (an obvious Mike Pence parody), who says that boy bunnies can only marry girl bunnies. Only when the creatures of the garden come together for a democratic vote can Marlon and Wesley show Mr. Stink Bug that love trumps hate.

If you’re a regular viewer of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver like I am, you’ll know exactly why this book was published: to screw with hard-right homophobe Mike Pence. Anytime that the LGBT community gets to shine its brightest colors is a good day for the world at large. There’s too much bullying and hatred against these poor folks, so any victory they achieve in the name of social justice should be celebrated. What better way to celebrate than with a cute and cuddly gay wedding between two sweethearted bunny-pies?

Speaking of things that are cute and cuddly, that’s another aspect of this book that will earn critical acclaim. Your smile will get bigger and goofier when you see Wesley and Marlon hopping around together like sweet little bunnies should. The other garden animals from the puppy-duppy to the turtle will also steal your heart. And then when the wedding finally happens, you’ve got little mice and porcupines dressed up in their Sunday best, which always looks adorable. You’ll be saying “aww” throughout the entire book. Not even the inner ugliness of Mr. Stink Bug will ruin your experience because once again, love trumps hate and his hateful ways won’t last forever.

So now that we’ve got our LGBT pride and cuteness nailed down, the only other thing to discuss is how important democracy is, since it plays a vital role in the book’s ending. I know there are times when democracy seems dead as a doornail. I know we don’t always like our choices between candidates. I know the people in power like to make voting difficult for the less fortunate. I know it seems like elections can be bought and sold like Wal-Mart goodies. But just like in this book, the power of your vote is more urgent now than it has ever been. If you don’t vote, the Mr. Stink Bugs of the world will.

One hundred percent of the profits from this book will be donated to LGBT charities specializing in suicide prevention and AIDS research. Even if you don’t have children of your own, you’ll still enjoy this book to its fullest extent for all of the reasons I’ve listed above. If on the other hand you do have children, let them know that being different is okay and should be celebrated rather than feared. Nobody is truly alone in this world despite the negative pressure dictating otherwise. An extra credit grade will go to this beautifully crafted book with a positive message and cuddly characters.

Gyromancer

Are you a spin doctor or a gyromancer?

Both of those options are your final answer

Excusing racism and other forms of bigotry

Excusing homophobia while practicing bigamy

Excusing cop violence as the body count soars

Excusing blood oozing from minorities’ pores

As long as you have an R next to your name

You’re instantly immune to shame and blame

Justice was tailor made for the silver spoon

You’re not fooling anyone anytime soon

You wonder why we march in the streets

When the flag is flying, we take our seats

It’s Freedom of Speech, you fucking leech

It’s something you’re always proud to preach

As long as you’re the only one who uses it

Who’s triggered now? You’re the one who loses it

You call us snowflakes for doing what’s right

You’re triggered too! You’re not too bright

You don’t give a shit about liberty and freedom

You only give a shit about ruling the kingdom

Goosestep your ass back to the 1930’s

Or the 1500’s where it’s diseased and dirty

But at least your old values will be alive and well

Gyromancer, I’ll see you in hell!

Artistic Democracy

An artistic democrat is much different from a political democrat. An artistic democrat is someone who cares so much about what his audience thinks of his work that he’s willing to sacrifice his own personal tastes just to please them. In high school, I would commonly refer to such people as “conformist bastards”. While I do realize that the audience will determine an author’s success due to sales, they shouldn’t control him completely. People get into the artistic business for the same reasons as everyone else: to satisfy their own creative urges. I can’t speak for everybody, but I’m pretty sure that Bentley Little doesn’t write horror stories because his audience forms a line outside his door and begs him to do so. In order for that to work, you have to find Bentley Little (he’s a little bit difficult to locate these days, even with a GPS signal). The same could be said about WWE superstars. Sure, they love to say that they do it for the people in their cute little promos (because that’s what heroic characters do: they pander to the crowd), but come on. Really? You don’t get more of a rush out of flying against the ropes and winning championship after championship? Truth is, if the public decided your fate, you wouldn’t be a fucking artist of any kind. You’d most likely be a lawyer, an accountant, a doctor, a data clerk, or any other lame ass job that although drains you dry does satisfy society’s needs. The people who do this kind of work like to brag about “contributing to society” and I just say, “Fuuuuuuuuuck you!” Do you really want to give gifts to the people who don’t give a shit about you? I’m pretty sure that if you’re a police officer who gets injured in the line of duty, going on social security indefinitely is not what society likes. It may be what keeps you from starving everyday, but it’s not what they want. And now I’m going to incorporate my own creative life into this blog like I normally do. I’m happy to write entertaining books about bloody action sequences and raunchy sex for you. If you enjoy my stories, good for you. If not, then that’s okay too, because nobody’s putting a gun to your head and forcing you to be a member of my audience. Unless you’re an editor with a genuine interest in furthering my career, don’t expect me to change my style for you. Either you love me or you leave me. Unlike our current governmental system, my creative life is not a democracy. On the contrary, I’m an autocrat and I rule with an iron fist. It’s the same iron fist my characters use to punch each other’s lights out with. The only way this will ever be a G-rated affair is if I’m playing the guitar and I break a G string while fingering A minor.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Conservatives need to find a channel for their anger and that channel is not Fox News.”

-Bill Maher-