Mr. Green from Clue vs. Toad from Super Mario Brothers 2: The Key to Victory Is...the Key to Victory!

 

Mike Sempervive from F4WOnline vs. Drake Wuertz from Parts Unknown...and Let's Keep it That Way

 

"Officer" Brandon Tatum (Nice Tattoo, Pretty Boy!)

 

Foreign Man in a Foreign Land: It's Not Leftist Infighting If He Was Never a Leftist

 

Suris vs. Katie Hopkins: Hot Crowd

 

Barack Obama: A MUCH Better President Than Donald Trump Could Dream of Being

 

Kamala Harris vs. Alex Jones: "Sleeping Your Way to the Top" Is Better Than Plummeting Hard to the Bottom

 

Margaret Dabbs: No Beef, Just For Fun

 

Tim Walz: Governator of Minnesota

 

Eric Clapton, Who Doesn't Look "Wonderful Tonight" or Any Other Night For That Matter

 

Price Tag

CHORUS

Everything you do has a price tag on it

Unlimited freedom? I don’t care if you want it

You step on my neck, I’ll step on yours

Bootlicking gets you nowhere, you’ll always be poor

 

VERSE 1

Far-right minority, what the fuck gives?

What’s it like to have black skin and white privilege?

Enjoy it while it lasts, it can be taken away

By the same guys who think you’re whole culture is gay

The G-word’s a pejorative in their itty-bitty world

They can’t see a spectrum beyond boy and girl

When you and your family are next on the cross

Try kissing more ass, on the advice of your boss

 

CHORUS

Everything you do has a price tag on it

Unlimited freedom? I don’t care if you want it

You step on my neck, I’ll step on yours

Bootlicking gets you nowhere, you’ll always be poor

 

VERSE 2

You work in construction while they’re plotting your destruction

You crack a bigoted joke and expect an induction

Into the Hall of Fame or the Millionaire’s Club

Trying hard to be a dom, but you’re always a sub

Isolate inside a bubble of your own creation

Thinking it’ll shield you from public damnation

Never mind being late to your own Over Party

You’re late to your own trial, too late to say sorry

 

CHORUS

Everything you do has a price tag on it

Unlimited freedom? I don’t care if you want it

You step on my neck, I’ll step on yours

Bootlicking gets you nowhere, you’ll always be poor

 

VERSE 3

So what if you make a million dollars or more?

You’ll waste it on gold chains, diamond rings, and whores

Oops, I meant you when I said the big W

‘Cause it ain’t sex workers who want to cuddle you

Your favorite rich bitch won’t want to do it either

Even if you call your own minority “useless eaters”

You can throw the Sig Heil at any time of the day

Doesn’t change the fact that you’re wasting away

Yeah, I called it a fact, it don’t care about your feelings

Don’t like your own medicine? Don’t rush the healing

Your parasocial followers are in a marriage of convenience

They’ll leave you when they see that you’re a fraud, not a genius

Theory of a Deadman vs. Tessa Blanchard: Repurposing Misogynist Lyrics to Make Them Anti-Racist

 

Scammer Jammer: the Official Guide to Dealing with Telephone Scammers

 

Linda McMahon: the Raw Sewage in the McMahon Family Gene Pool

 

Divinyls X Halestorm: "When I Touch Myself, I Get Off" (Rest in Peace, Chrissy Amphlett)

 

The Who X Green Day: "All by Myself with Pictures of Lily"

 

Mike Cernovich: Blackbelt in Keyboard Karate, Not Even a White Belt in Real Martial Arts

 

Billy Joel vs. Megyn Kelly (no relation, thank god)

 

Gunnery Sgt. Hartman from Full Metal Jacket vs. Schizophrenic Voices (Rest in Peace, R. Lee Ermey)

 

Hadag Nahash X Sigmund Freud: Unwanted, But Necessary Relationship Advice

 

Billy Idol vs. the Drama Queen: And the Daytime Emmy For Best Actress Goes to...

 

Larck Fontana, Arguing Wife from "Happy Fun Land"

 

Kylea Markoff, Paiten's Very Young Mother from "My Favorite Magazine"

 

Felipe Rose from The Village People vs. The Grim Reaper, Who Didn't Need to Take Away Adam Yauch from The Beastie Boys, But Did It Anyways

 

I Never Had a Gun

VERSE 1

No toxic person has ever left my life

Because of something I said even though I was right

No toxic person was bounced from my house

Because the human body is too heavy to toss out

No toxic person was remanded to prison

Because free speech rights apply to bullies and bigots

I couldn’t stand up for what was just and fair

You need a reason? Let me just clear the air

 

CHORUS 1

Because I never had a gun

A 45 would do just fine

But I never had a gun

A bullet never forced them to be kind

 

VERSE 2

They said instead of violence, just use my words

But my brain locked up, couldn’t find a sick burn

They said to use leadership skills I didn’t have

So that I could be blamed when I finally snapped

They said to use my presence and fake charisma

When the narcissist says something sick and twisted

Master debating never achieved a damn thing

You need a reason? I got a little something to sing

 

CHORUS 2

Because I never had a gun

A bullet teaches lessons better than me

But I never had a gun

So I let them bash and break my self-esteem

 

BRIDGE

Criminalizing anger is how they stay in power

Imprisoning heroes, leave them shanked in the showers

Nothing is ever a power tripper’s fault

Even though they cover corpses with lime powder and salt

But their ears perk up with they hear a click-clack

Their ability to listen will never go back

To the negative part of the government chart

Because bullets are great for creating modern art

 

CHORUS 3

But I never had a gun

Everyone knew what I’d do with it

So I never had a gun

The world had permission to treat me like shit

Because I never had a gun

I couldn’t change the world with one clip

Kesha Rosales, Caleb's Daughter from "Virtuous"

 

Dr. Jody Iron, Principal of Paiten's High School from "My Favorite Magazine"

 

Zena & Poppy: Where'd You Go? I Miss You So, Seems Like It's Been Forever Since You've Been Gone...

 

Shoe On Head: She Devours Red Pills Like Movie Theater Popcorn

 

Carolyn Bryant-Donham: Left Side of the Page, Right Side of the Political Spectrum, Wrong Side of History

 

Ronald Reagan: Dead For Decades, But Reaganomics Are Still Alive, Unfortunately

 

Dana Scully from The X-Files vs. Anita Bryant: The Truth Is Out There...and It's Not Being Told By Transphobes

 

Spice 1 X Jack Perry: Sorry, Ben Shapiro, But Rap Music IS Real Music and Facts Don't Care About YOUR Feelings

 

Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani: the Healthiest Couple On Planet Earth

 

The Anti-Garrison: He's Like the Antichrist, But For Me, Garrison

 

Every bully and abuser I've ever had is a brainwashed cult member. The Anti-Garrison is their god.

Frank Black from Millennium vs. Morgan Wallen: The Devil Doesn't Wear Prada, He Wears Red Baseball Caps

 

Terence Fletcher from Whiplash vs. a Process Server: Is a Little Identification Too Much to Ask For?

 

George W. Bush: a War Criminal Who's Somehow Not as Bad as Trump

 

It's a Punderful World and The Joker Agrees

 

Vanna White from Wheel of Fortune vs. Former Vice President Dick Cheney (Rest in Piss, War Criminal)

 

Jayden McCameron, Gamer and Funko Pop Collector from "Virtuous"

 

Vickie Guerrero vs. Eric Trump: Cougars Have Claws and That Doesn't Even Scratch the Surface (BA-DUM, TSS!)

 

Rey Mysterio vs. Dominik Mysterio: a Dad Joke On Mother's Day

 

Iggie Denver, Chief Prison Guard with a Country Singer Name from "Marines Love Prison"

 

Hughy Casey, Petty Argument Bystander from "Happy Fun Land"

 

Hilaree Duchamp, Robb Sugar's Next Door Neighbor from "Marines Love Prison"

 

Grechin Cooley, Benjaman's Divorced Mother from "The King Smells Like Formaldehyde"

 

Giuseppe DiVito, Antonia's Assistant Cook from "Emilio & Marigold"

 

Ben Stein: Clear Eyes Is Awesome, Conservatism Is Not

 

Fox Mulder from The X-Files vs. Frodo Baggins from The Lord of the Rings: Amazing Grace, How Sweet the Sound

 

Paige Layle from TikTok vs. Adam Carolla from The Man Show: Dodging Accountability Like Alimony Payments

 

Franceska Wheatstone, Benjaman's Non-MPDG Love Interest from "The King Smells Like Formaldehyde"