Hadag Nahash X Sigmund Freud: Unwanted, But Necessary Relationship Advice

 

Billy Idol vs. the Drama Queen: And the Daytime Emmy For Best Actress Goes to...

 

Larck Fontana, Arguing Wife from "Happy Fun Land"

 

Kylea Markoff, Paiten's Very Young Mother from "My Favorite Magazine"

 

Felipe Rose from The Village People vs. The Grim Reaper, Who Didn't Need to Take Away Adam Yauch from The Beastie Boys, But Did It Anyways

 

I Never Had a Gun

VERSE 1

No toxic person has ever left my life

Because of something I said even though I was right

No toxic person was bounced from my house

Because the human body is too heavy to toss out

No toxic person was remanded to prison

Because free speech rights apply to bullies and bigots

I couldn’t stand up for what was just and fair

You need a reason? Let me just clear the air

 

CHORUS 1

Because I never had a gun

A 45 would do just fine

But I never had a gun

A bullet never forced them to be kind

 

VERSE 2

They said instead of violence, just use my words

But my brain locked up, couldn’t find a sick burn

They said to use leadership skills I didn’t have

So that I could be blamed when I finally snapped

They said to use my presence and fake charisma

When the narcissist says something sick and twisted

Master debating never achieved a damn thing

You need a reason? I got a little something to sing

 

CHORUS 2

Because I never had a gun

A bullet teaches lessons better than me

But I never had a gun

So I let them bash and break my self-esteem

 

BRIDGE

Criminalizing anger is how they stay in power

Imprisoning heroes, leave them shanked in the showers

Nothing is ever a power tripper’s fault

Even though they cover corpses with lime powder and salt

But their ears perk up with they hear a click-clack

Their ability to listen will never go back

To the negative part of the government chart

Because bullets are great for creating modern art

 

CHORUS 3

But I never had a gun

Everyone knew what I’d do with it

So I never had a gun

The world had permission to treat me like shit

Because I never had a gun

I couldn’t change the world with one clip

Kesha Rosales, Caleb's Daughter from "Virtuous"

 

Dr. Jody Iron, Principal of Paiten's High School from "My Favorite Magazine"

 

Zena & Poppy: Where'd You Go? I Miss You So, Seems Like It's Been Forever Since You've Been Gone...

 

Shoe On Head: She Devours Red Pills Like Movie Theater Popcorn

 

Carolyn Bryant-Donham: Left Side of the Page, Right Side of the Political Spectrum, Wrong Side of History

 

Ronald Reagan: Dead For Decades, But Reaganomics Are Still Alive, Unfortunately

 

Dana Scully from The X-Files vs. Anita Bryant: The Truth Is Out There...and It's Not Being Told By Transphobes

 

Spice 1 X Jack Perry: Sorry, Ben Shapiro, But Rap Music IS Real Music and Facts Don't Care About YOUR Feelings

 

Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani: the Healthiest Couple On Planet Earth

 

The Anti-Garrison: He's Like the Antichrist, But For Me, Garrison

 

Every bully and abuser I've ever had is a brainwashed cult member. The Anti-Garrison is their god.

Frank Black from Millennium vs. Morgan Wallen: The Devil Doesn't Wear Prada, He Wears Red Baseball Caps

 

Terence Fletcher from Whiplash vs. a Process Server: Is a Little Identification Too Much to Ask For?

 

George W. Bush: a War Criminal Who's Somehow Not as Bad as Trump

 

It's a Punderful World and The Joker Agrees

 

Vanna White from Wheel of Fortune vs. Former Vice President Dick Cheney (Rest in Piss, War Criminal)

 

Jayden McCameron, Gamer and Funko Pop Collector from "Virtuous"

 

Vickie Guerrero vs. Eric Trump: Cougars Have Claws and That Doesn't Even Scratch the Surface (BA-DUM, TSS!)

 

Rey Mysterio vs. Dominik Mysterio: a Dad Joke On Mother's Day

 

Iggie Denver, Chief Prison Guard with a Country Singer Name from "Marines Love Prison"

 

Hughy Casey, Petty Argument Bystander from "Happy Fun Land"

 

Hilaree Duchamp, Robb Sugar's Next Door Neighbor from "Marines Love Prison"

 

Grechin Cooley, Benjaman's Divorced Mother from "The King Smells Like Formaldehyde"

 

Giuseppe DiVito, Antonia's Assistant Cook from "Emilio & Marigold"

 

Ben Stein: Clear Eyes Is Awesome, Conservatism Is Not

 

Fox Mulder from The X-Files vs. Frodo Baggins from The Lord of the Rings: Amazing Grace, How Sweet the Sound

 

Paige Layle from TikTok vs. Adam Carolla from The Man Show: Dodging Accountability Like Alimony Payments

 

Franceska Wheatstone, Benjaman's Non-MPDG Love Interest from "The King Smells Like Formaldehyde"

 

Mr. Syd Barrett, Where've You Been?

Mr. Syd Barrett, where’ve you been?

Sit your ass down and give this record a spin

The two of us are more than just bricks in the wall

We went a little crazy and we lost it all

They say it was the LSD that sealed your fate

But I call BS, at worst it’s ableist hate

Someone in our bloodlines was fucky in the head

We had a world of potential, but potential’s all dead

Born against our will into an unfeeling world

That shamed us for never catching brass rings and pearls

We had poetry for miles, many stories to tell

About the warring nations and a planet called hell

And the injustices of sitting in a jail cell

When your one and only crime was being unwell

And the corporate slavery of the music industry

Publishing too, they were never into me

Misunderstood at best and pariahs at worst

Our creations came second, mental health came first

Could we survive the housing market as roommates?

Or would the landlords evict us like, “See you soon, mate!”

We might get on each other’s nerves more often than not

The darkness inside reveals as the brain rots

The mask comes off like a neurodivergent rebel

And we make the batshit music at the highest decibels

Neighbors would complain that we’re melting their brains

Gurgling their intestines, filling ears up with pain

Maybe this is better as a what-if scenario

Maybe this nutty movie should be filmed in aerial

Sorry I wasted time with a hypothetical

But to reach out to the world takes steel testicles

In a society that laughs like a pack of hyenas

At the hurting class for not kissing fascist ass

Who would want us to be their loyal friend?

They get millions of them when a hashtag trends

Born into this world and thrown out with the trash

It’s a society that will one day be climate changed to ash

Emilio, One Half of the Iconic Duo "Emilio & Marigold"

 

Stephanie Vaquer from WWE vs. Aaron Lewis from Staind: Low-Stakes Flirtation Lost in Translation

 

"Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk! Hey, Garrison! Why does Aaron Lewis look like Joe Rogan?"

Must you ask?

Dianna Dionne, MMA Referee for Bergstrom vs. Moss in "Take a Shot, Shoot Your Shot"

 

Dr. Luke: If He's a Doctor, Then Pete Hegseth Is the President of AA

 

Give Me My Flowers

VERSE 1

I heard the words that no child should hear

“Your dreams are dead, no one will shed tears”

I carried them with me like brain cancer cells

And I survived my own schizophrenic hell

 

PRE-CHORUS 1

No, I don’t need the Medal of Freedom

I’ve seen who won and I don’t need to be them

Serve humble pies so my abusers can eat them

Poison the crusts so I can slay all my demons

 

CHORUS 1

Give me my flowers

Do it for hours

Give me my power

Give me my flowers!

 

VERSE 2

I did the math at the expense of my sanity

I took the pills at the expense of my vanity

And all I got was a damn piece of paper

That says nine-to-five is my one true savior

 

PRE-CHORUS 2

No, I don’t need the Medal of Honor

Though life is war when it only gets harder

Tell my teachers that it’s okay to forget me

Their C’s and D’s make it okay to regret me

 

CHORUS 2

Give me my flowers

Before they sour

Death to the cowards

Give me my flowers!

 

BRIDGE

They tell me it was so many years ago

As if it was something I would never know

Without their reminders and beige prose

Is it any wonder why I will not let go?!

 

CHORUS 3

Give me my flowers

Grown from spring showers

Wilt within hours

Give me my flowers!

Give me my flowers

On your own power

Say I deserve them

Water and serve them!