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Kleptometer

VERSE 1

You had decades to put two slugs in my chest

And you couldn’t be bothered to give me your best

You spent your whole life in agony because I exist

For the love of god, move on, because we all insist

You need around-the-clock care for your butthurt derriere

You failed on purpose, yet you say it’s not fair

That I breathe in greatness and breathe out revolution

While you’re writing angry essays on The Final Solution

 

CHORUS

I’m so happy that I wasted your time

Not a great place to stick all your nickels and dimes

Save your Benjamins and Hamiltons for NFTs

The kleptometer’s readings are really sending me

 

VERSE 2

Put some money in my wallet just like you should

Then you say you’ll go nuclear if my work isn’t good

Sight unseen is how you describe your purchase

But you already decided that my thoughts are worthless

Guys like you and me have never been equal

We share the biology, but we’re two different people

You put too much stock in burning down the whole planet

And you blow a gasket when I say I won’t have it

 

CHORUS

I’m so happy that I wasted your time

Not a great place to stick all your nickels and dimes

Save your Benjamins and Hamiltons for NFTs

The kleptometer’s readings are really sending me

 

VERSE 3

Curiosity never once killed the cat

It never killed anyone, what do you think about that?

But sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong

Is so much worse when you think you’re never wrong

I’ve got a lifetime of lessons I could pass down to you

But you’re special, so you don’t need anything new

Just keep opening your mouth for a helping of slop

And keep on chowing down until your belly pops

 

CHORUS

I’m so happy that I wasted your time

Not a great place to stick all your nickels and dimes

Save your Benjamins and Hamiltons for NFTs

The kleptometer’s readings are really sending me

 

OUTRO

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Your palms are sweating as you count down the clock

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Only minutes remain until you’re stiff as a rock

Tick, tock, tick, tock

You could have forged any path you wanted to

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Now you take your last breath, bitch face goes blue

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When You Call Your Heavy Metal Band Lamb of God, You Can't Complain About Confusing People

 

Drag Queen Derangement Syndrome

VERSE 1

You always like to brag about being offensive

But when it’s thrown back at you, you go on the defensive

It’s never funny when it happens to you

Just your strawman drag queen gay black jew

You think of drag queens more than they think of themselves

Even though not one of them is hoarding the wealth

Then you go on a rant about men’s mental health

Calm the fuck down, Chad, you did it to yourself

 

CHORUS

Drag Queen Derangement Syndrome

The kind of disease that puts you in the happy home

From the gates of agony to the puzzle factory

All because a dress-wearer just wanted flattery

 

VERSE 2

When you’re at a drag show, you get an erection

Then all of the queens need some witness protection

When you pull out a gun bigger than your own dick

And hold down the trigger for a symphony of clicks

Now all of the sudden, you’re the next Jesus Christ

And a shoo-in for employment with the incels at ICE

Now I know why you like to wear a ski mask

‘Cause you’re drooling like a dog when you see a queen’s ass

 

CHORUS

Drag Queen Derangement Syndrome

The kind of disease that puts you in the happy home

From the gates of agony to the puzzle factory

All because a dress-wearer just wanted flattery

 

VERSE 3

Your hard drive is a treasure trove of perversion

The only sexual relief for unlovable virgins

You got pics of Kamala in leather lingerie

But they’re fake as fuck, that’s why AI has an A

Deepfakes on AOC baring her breasts

But yours are much bigger, spinal health is a mess

Pictures of drag queens eating up all your RAM

And a ten-year-old girl posing naked on web cams

 

CHORUS X2

Drag Queen Derangement Syndrome

The kind of disease that puts you in the happy home

From the gates of agony to the puzzle factory

All because a dress-wearer just wanted flattery

 

OUTRO

You honestly think Michelle Obama is a man?

That must be the reason why you’ve got your dick in your hand!

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Serial Contrarian

VERSE 1: SERIAL CONTRARIAN

Listen up, my opinions are the only ones worth having

I’m taking off the kid gloves, we don’t need the extra padding

Your favorite show sucks, it only made a hundred bucks

Your favorite album’s trash, it’s not worth the change and cash

Your favorite food is ass, it takes a million years to pass

World’s first anal stone, it’ll break your tailbone

You can’t walk away from a friendly debate

Or else you’re the one who’s fascist and full of all the hate

 

CHORUS 1: ME

Serial contrarians are no different from the Aryans

We can’t have nice things, ‘cause we’re ruled by kings

Can’t I have five minutes where you shut the fuck up?

I’d probably get five seconds with my kind of luck

 

VERSE 2: SERIAL CONTRARIAN

Audiobooks don’t count, because you can’t see the words

They’re like campfire stories, in case you haven’t heard

I’m not trying to be ableist, that’s why I like AI

‘Cause we all know the dunderheads never score high

 

CHORUS 2: ME

Serial contrarians are filled up with arrogance

Just leave my stuff alone, ‘cause it’s where I call home

Can’t I have a moment so that I can sit and think?

I’m just buying time until you push me to the brink

 

VERSE 3: SERIAL CONTRARIAN

Unpack your bags and get out of the Uber

Did you forget that I’m famous and a powerful YouTuber?

If you break up with me, you violate the First Amendment

Court of public opinion, you’re the obvious defendant

I’ll make a thousand hit pieces and rack up ad money

Until you come back, kiss my cheek, call me honey

You’re more likely to come packing a loaded 45

I brushed up on Algospeak, now my ass is unalived

 

CHORUS 3: ME

Serial contrarians are just techno-libertarians

And now they’re all cancelled for being big assholes

They’ll never change their ways, so it’s time to walk away

With my head held high as I flip the bird goodbye

Serial contrarians are ripping out their hair again

They can keep from turning pink if they’d just see a shrink

But therapy is heresy, at least that’s what they’ll say

So they walk among the sheep and let out a loud bray

Price Tag

CHORUS

Everything you do has a price tag on it

Unlimited freedom? I don’t care if you want it

You step on my neck, I’ll step on yours

Bootlicking gets you nowhere, you’ll always be poor

 

VERSE 1

Far-right minority, what the fuck gives?

What’s it like to have black skin and white privilege?

Enjoy it while it lasts, it can be taken away

By the same guys who think you’re whole culture is gay

The G-word’s a pejorative in their itty-bitty world

They can’t see a spectrum beyond boy and girl

When you and your family are next on the cross

Try kissing more ass, on the advice of your boss

 

CHORUS

Everything you do has a price tag on it

Unlimited freedom? I don’t care if you want it

You step on my neck, I’ll step on yours

Bootlicking gets you nowhere, you’ll always be poor

 

VERSE 2

You work in construction while they’re plotting your destruction

You crack a bigoted joke and expect an induction

Into the Hall of Fame or the Millionaire’s Club

Trying hard to be a dom, but you’re always a sub

Isolate inside a bubble of your own creation

Thinking it’ll shield you from public damnation

Never mind being late to your own Over Party

You’re late to your own trial, too late to say sorry

 

CHORUS

Everything you do has a price tag on it

Unlimited freedom? I don’t care if you want it

You step on my neck, I’ll step on yours

Bootlicking gets you nowhere, you’ll always be poor

 

VERSE 3

So what if you make a million dollars or more?

You’ll waste it on gold chains, diamond rings, and whores

Oops, I meant you when I said the big W

‘Cause it ain’t sex workers who want to cuddle you

Your favorite rich bitch won’t want to do it either

Even if you call your own minority “useless eaters”

You can throw the Sig Heil at any time of the day

Doesn’t change the fact that you’re wasting away

Yeah, I called it a fact, it don’t care about your feelings

Don’t like your own medicine? Don’t rush the healing

Your parasocial followers are in a marriage of convenience

They’ll leave you when they see that you’re a fraud, not a genius

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I Never Had a Gun

VERSE 1

No toxic person has ever left my life

Because of something I said even though I was right

No toxic person was bounced from my house

Because the human body is too heavy to toss out

No toxic person was remanded to prison

Because free speech rights apply to bullies and bigots

I couldn’t stand up for what was just and fair

You need a reason? Let me just clear the air

 

CHORUS 1

Because I never had a gun

A 45 would do just fine

But I never had a gun

A bullet never forced them to be kind

 

VERSE 2

They said instead of violence, just use my words

But my brain locked up, couldn’t find a sick burn

They said to use leadership skills I didn’t have

So that I could be blamed when I finally snapped

They said to use my presence and fake charisma

When the narcissist says something sick and twisted

Master debating never achieved a damn thing

You need a reason? I got a little something to sing

 

CHORUS 2

Because I never had a gun

A bullet teaches lessons better than me

But I never had a gun

So I let them bash and break my self-esteem

 

BRIDGE

Criminalizing anger is how they stay in power

Imprisoning heroes, leave them shanked in the showers

Nothing is ever a power tripper’s fault

Even though they cover corpses with lime powder and salt

But their ears perk up with they hear a click-clack

Their ability to listen will never go back

To the negative part of the government chart

Because bullets are great for creating modern art

 

CHORUS 3

But I never had a gun

Everyone knew what I’d do with it

So I never had a gun

The world had permission to treat me like shit

Because I never had a gun

I couldn’t change the world with one clip

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Give Me My Flowers

VERSE 1

I heard the words that no child should hear

“Your dreams are dead, no one will shed tears”

I carried them with me like brain cancer cells

And I survived my own schizophrenic hell

 

PRE-CHORUS 1

No, I don’t need the Medal of Freedom

I’ve seen who won and I don’t need to be them

Serve humble pies so my abusers can eat them

Poison the crusts so I can slay all my demons

 

CHORUS 1

Give me my flowers

Do it for hours

Give me my power

Give me my flowers!

 

VERSE 2

I did the math at the expense of my sanity

I took the pills at the expense of my vanity

And all I got was a damn piece of paper

That says nine-to-five is my one true savior

 

PRE-CHORUS 2

No, I don’t need the Medal of Honor

Though life is war when it only gets harder

Tell my teachers that it’s okay to forget me

Their C’s and D’s make it okay to regret me

 

CHORUS 2

Give me my flowers

Before they sour

Death to the cowards

Give me my flowers!

 

BRIDGE

They tell me it was so many years ago

As if it was something I would never know

Without their reminders and beige prose

Is it any wonder why I will not let go?!

 

CHORUS 3

Give me my flowers

Grown from spring showers

Wilt within hours

Give me my flowers!

Give me my flowers

On your own power

Say I deserve them

Water and serve them!

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Full disclosure: this is my first time drawing a woman's bare feet in this pose. I can say with nothing but confidence that I knocked it out of the park.