Gary "Space" Kadet: Hates Women, Loves the Smell of His Own Farts...and Also Those of His Sock Puppets

 

Kamala Harris vs. Alex Jones: "Sleeping Your Way to the Top" Is Better Than Plummeting Hard to the Bottom

 

Terence Fletcher from Whiplash vs. a Process Server: Is a Little Identification Too Much to Ask For?

 

Dr. Luke: If He's a Doctor, Then Pete Hegseth Is the President of AA

 

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez vs. Alex Stein: Since When Is Sexual Abuse Considered Free Speech?

 

James Woods: Million Dollar (Cry) Baby

 

Vince McMahon

 

Rebecca Rogers vs. Her Ex-Husband Avery

 

Phanto vs. Nick Sandmann

 

He can't sue me, because I'm taking advantage of my free speech rights. Suck it up, churchie!

Drake Maverick vs. Brock Lesnar

 

Anthony Fantano vs. Ronnie Radke

 

Necro Power Plant

Ever wonder how those malls play holiday music?

Keep your internet connection and never lose it?

Keep the lights on in your depressing man cave?

Keep the water warm so you can shower and shave?

 

You can give your thanks to the utility wizards

Necromancy keeps you warm during blizzards

Now that your eyes popped out of your sockets

We run on dead bodies, it’s how we line our pockets

 

Feed the giant slab of rotten gray beef jerky

Through the dynamo of swamp water so murky

Boil them corpses like a pot of spaghetti

Let the green steam get the juicy juices ready

 

What’s the matter, kid? You think this is wrong?

Grab the hippie-dippie guitar, write a protest song

It’s not like we killed the dead bodies ourselves

Who cares when their souls are stuck in hell?

 

Exploiting dead people is a great business model

When politicians do it, the press is sucking milk bottles

When Vince McMahon does it, it’s a sure ratings draw

Whether the corpse has hands or puppy-duppy paws

 

It’s all in bad taste, but it ain’t nuclear waste

We’ve got no souls, but at least it ain’t coal

Call us super villains, we don’t give a goddamn

They’re your lights, bro, you’ve got the wrong man

 

What do you mean we’ve failed the safety inspections?

What do you mean the civil court is now in session?

What do you mean we’ve got to pay a billion dollars?

What do you mean we’ve got debt collecting callers?

What do you mean we’re going right out of business?

What do you mean the plaintiffs got their own star witness?

What do you mean we got to put on these orange onesies?

What do you mean our cellmates are extra snuggly?

Captain Brock

VERSE 1

He’s never had a cigarette a day in his life

But he smoked a whole football team in just one night

He’s the Captain of the Cougars, the team and the ladies

And every cheerleader wants to be his only sugar baby

Every freshman is trapped in their own school locker

He put them there and tape gagged the shit-talkers

He’s got an A in everything without lifting a finger

When it’s baseball or babes, he’s a home run swinger

CHORUS 1

His name is Captain Brock because of course it is

He’s the King of the Straights, the King of the Cis

But if he’s the King, then who’s the Queen?

Homecoming, no-homo is what he means

VERSE 2

He’s got bullycide and beef on his inflated resume

The boss man looked at him and said, “No way!”

So he sued the company for everything they’re worth

Wiped their NASDAQ symbol right off the earth

What’s next for Brock: President or Dictator?

He could stuff the lockers full of more freshman haters

Except they’re not called lockers after school

They’re called prison cells under the iron rule

CHORUS 1

His name is Captain Brock because of course it is

He’s the King of the Straights, the King of the Cis

But if he’s the King, then who’s the Queen?

Homecoming, no-homo is what he means

VERSE 3

And then the day came where karma fucked him over

His cancer just ensured that he never saw October

They buried his ass on Halloween night

All the beardos and weirdoes breathed a huge sigh

They can disco dance with the werewolves and vamps

At a Rammstein concert with ball gags and loud amps

The harvest moon never looked so beautiful

Keep the good memories, they’re forever reusable

CHORUS 2

His name is Captain Brock because of course it is

But you’d be forgiven if you forgot about his sins

Are you coping with trauma or was he just mediocre?

It’s a little bit of both, aren’t you glad this shit is over?

Cookie-cutter muscle-heads may write our history

But they don’t have a future with you or me

They can’t blame it all on the myth of Cancel Culture

They can blame themselves for being greedy vultures

Save the World

 VERSE 1

I talked some shit online about Dumbass Donald

And his favorite butt puppet Moscow McConnell

I got a million replies telling me I should die

Telling me they’ll drink my liberal tears if I cry

I got a head full of demons and nothing accomplished

Couldn’t find anything we could share in common

But at least I performed my own civic duty

Even though my mind is melting into something gooey

CHORUS

Why does everybody expect me to save the world?

By myself! With nobody else!

Why does everybody expect me to have superpowers?

I wasn’t born tough! I’m just a traumatized coward!

VERSE 2

I went to the protest and held up my cardboard sign

Got a face full of mace and now I’m legally blind

Got a beer bottle broken over my pretty little head

If I come for round two, they’ll shoot my ass dead

I got a hospital bill and not a damn thing changed

I’ve got years of therapy, who’s willing to pay?

But at least I can say that I’ve got some big balls

I hope they’ll help against my debt collection calls

CHORUS

Why does everybody expect me to save the world?

By myself! With nobody else!

Why does everybody expect me to have superpowers?

I wasn’t born tough! I’m just a traumatized coward!

BRIDGE

Is it too much to ask that I see some results

To go with my beatings and bigoted insults?

Is it too much to ask for systematic reform

When dystopia has become the new norm?

Is it too much to ask for some compensation

When I’m crucified by the Teabag nation?

Is it too much to ask that my efforts matter

Or should we keep making the fat cats fatter?

VERSE 3

I went to the courthouse and filed a lawsuit

Against everybody who dared to lick boots

Case dragged on for a whole millennium

I couldn’t outspend every single defendant

I did my best and not a fucking thing improved

No tears for me, because nobody was moved

I guess you could tell me, “Welcome to the club”

Before you beat my ass with it, stain it in blood

EXTENDED CHORUS

Why does everybody expect me to save the world?

By myself! With nobody else!

Why does everybody expect me to have superpowers?

I wasn’t born tough! I’m just a traumatized coward!

Why does everybody think I’ve got what it takes

Then brush it all off with the phrase, “That’s the breaks?”

Why can’t I just lay in bed with my pretty kitty?

I’m not Batman and this is not Gotham City!

Whoppers

You like to jerk it off to The Human Centipede

Shake your ass to Green Day’s “Know Your Enemy”

Give lap dances at your local retirement home

Knickknack, paddywack, eat your doggie’s bone

What’s the matter? You don’t like being defamed?

Don’t like shouldering someone else’s blame?

I heard that before, in fact, a million times over

Welcome to the world and its New World Odor

For every double whopper you’ve got about me

I’ve got a thousand more on you, bless creativity

You burglarize houses with a Darth Vader mask

“Use the force” and those who can’t even ask

But your light saber is the size of a toothpick

When it’s time to get it on, you’re fucking useless

You made a donation to the Humane Society

But it was criminal restitution for being rapey

You had to sell your collection of celebrity condoms

To make up for the debt and cut your own losses

Let’s upgrade that double whopper to a size triple

You get your cereal’s milk from your grandma’s nipple

Let’s go quadruple on your heart attack whopper

Or is this where you finally call the crime stoppers?

I wish I had that option when you lied about me

Freedom of speech has never been completely free

Maybe I’ll get you a ball gag for Christmas this year

Stick it in your mouth until the truth is loud and clear

I’ll get you some handcuffs for a stocking stuffer

No access to your keyboard, you’re grounded by mother

I know this all sounds a little creepy and kinky

But it keeps your bullshit from getting too stinky

Due Process

“Savages. Fucking savages,” said McKenzie Youngblood under her breath as she power-walked through the halls of Aspire Mental Hospital. Every jacked up orderly and nurse made her skin crawl. Every image of “crazies” suffering in silence on their padded cells made her stomach turn. The walls and floors probably hadn’t seen a sponge and bucket since the Reagan Administration. If they did, it was most likely off the backs of these patients.

The closer she stomped toward Dr. Oliver Killian’s office, the hotter McKenzie’s blood boiled. Her flat shoes were the most audible part of the hallway. Her chubby scowl and gray business suit indicated she meant…well…business. Deep inside, a wildfire began to grow as these white orderlies scowled at her black skin. Nonetheless, she was a professional first and foremost. Just deliver the papers to Dr. Killian, get in, and get out. A pepper spray bottle in her leather briefcase would only be used as a last resort.

McKenzie adjusted her suit and skirt and gave a hard series of knocks on Dr. Killian’s office door. “Come in!” he commanded and she did just that.

The first thing she noticed was the pristine condition of his office. Bookshelves with infinite wisdom, wooden plaques containing various college degrees, a marble office table with the latest computer technology sitting on it, and not one speck of dirt or dust unless one were to count Dr. Oliver Killian sitting with his hands behind his white fluffy hair. He adjusted his glasses and asked, “What can I do for you, young lady?”

“My name isn’t young lady. It’s McKenzie Youngblood and I’m a process server. The Paulson City Courthouse sent me here.” She pulled a thick manila envelope out of her briefcase and dropped it unceremoniously on the marble table. “You’re being sued by your former patients. Rough treatment, suppression of rights, unnecessary procedures, lengthy incarceration with no due process of any kind…you’re in deep trouble, Dr. Killian. It’s your right and your responsibility to contact the courthouse within a week of receiving these papers. Otherwise, the case will go on without you. Any questions?”

Dr. Killian’s sarcastically pleasant demeanor turned to silent rage as he rifled through the papers and read them hurriedly. “Psychiatric patients don’t have rights. This case will never stick.”

“Well, then I guess you have nothing to worry about, Doctor.” McKenzie leaned forward and said, “And I use that term loosely.”

Slamming the papers on the table, Dr. Killian, without raising his voice, seethed as he said, “Our facility is one of the best in the country. We are the good guys. We’re not the ones committing heinous acts on the street. We’re not the ones making life difficult for our loved ones. These patients are here because they deserve to be here. They’re a threat to society. How dare you question my methods!”

“Technically, I don’t have to stand here and have a debate with you. I could just walk out of this hospital and tell the judges you were served. But I’ve got to know something before I head out. When was the last time these patients have seen the summer sun? When was the last time they’ve had visitors? When was the last time they’ve had love or kindness of any sort? I know how this place works. Beatings, lobotomies, electroshock, repeat. Beatings, lobotomies, electroshock, repeat. Day after day, every hour on the hour. This isn’t a hospital. It’s a death camp, especially for minorities and women, which make up eighty percent of your patient roster.”

Dr. Killian stood up and slammed his palms on the table, still maintaining his silent anger. “We use those methods because they work. They’re the only thing that will. Crazy people don’t learn any other way. They don’t listen to reason. They don’t comprehend order and decency. They don’t live in our reality. If we don’t do this to them, the world will. These patients should be thankful for the lessons we teach them. Instead, they want to make a few bucks off of us and complain about us to the liberal media. If anybody should feel oppressed right now, it’s me and my staff!”

McKenzie leaned in closer until she was almost touching noses with Dr. Killian. She did her best to contain her own anger as she told him, “You’d better hope the judges and jury buy into your twisted propaganda. If not, then you’ve got a shit storm on your hands, buster. Who knows? Maybe this dump will be closed once and for all. Good luck with your trial.” Just as she was turning around, Dr. Killian grabbed hold of her wrist, his bony fingers barely making a dent in her thick skin. “You have three seconds to pull your hand away and then I’m whipping out the pepper spray.”

“Okay, Miss Youngblood. You win. You can have a tighter grip if you prefer that.” Upon releasing his clasp, Dr. Killian pointed his elongated, creepy finger at the door to his office.

McKenzie turned around and saw two beefy orderlies standing there with their arms folded and their faces fixed in death stares. “Great idea, Dr. Killian,” she said. “You can have yet another lawsuit on your hands and hemorrhage money like no tomorrow. You tell these orderlies to back off or I’m taking your ass to court.”

Dr. Killian whispered into her ear, “What good is a lawsuit…if you can’t even make it to the courthouse? You think you’re the only one to serve me papers lately? You think you’re the only one who’s trying to sue me? We’re not just doctors and nurses. We’re magicians. We make lawsuits…disappear.” He licked her ear hole to punctuate his last point.

She turned around to try and slap him, but he ducked out of the way and allows his orderlies to grab her tightly by both arms. McKenzie struggled and fought while screaming curses at her captors, but their grips would only serve to leave purple bruises on her arms later on. They bent her over the table and yanked her hair so that she was facing Dr. Killian, who glared at her with ophidian eyes.

“Nobody’s taking my money away,” snarled Dr. Killian. “We’re making enough of it as it is. Turns out locking people up is quite the lucrative business. The more patients we’ve got, the richer we all are. It’s basic economics.” He leaned his face close to McKenzie’s. “You’d have to be crazy to stand up to capitalism. So crazy, in fact…you’d need your own padded cell.” With the orderlies’ hands firmly behind McKenzie’s neck, Dr. Killian planted a sloppy tongue kiss on her lips and slammed her forehead against the table.

McKenzie’s head swam as she was roughly dropped to the ground. Sparkling stars and colorful clouds filled her vision as darkness threatened to overtake her. She tried to stand up on her own two feet, but her legs and arms felt like rubber. Any last chance of rebellion was snuffed away when an orderly kicked her in the skull and sent her on a one-way ticket to dreamland.

It felt like an eternity since she slipped into unconscious hell. Waking up from it proved to be an even bigger drain on her body. She tried to wiggle around yet again, but leather straps held her horizontally against a metal table. She tried to yell for help, but her lips were held together with what appeared to be medical tape. Despite being in bondage, she never stopped struggling, especially when Dr. Killian’s hazy image swirled into view.

“Fighting isn’t going to make things better, Miss Youngblood. Or should I say, Patient #855341. Why fight something you have absolutely no control over? Why keep fighting and expecting different results? That is the true definition of insanity. You’ll eventually leave this place like any other patient of mine. How soon depends on your ability to conform to my rules.

From this point going forward, you will do what I say. You will think the way I tell you to think. You will be cured of your insanity. Your brain is mine to play with. Your body is mine to puppeteer. It’s crazy to rebel against basic human order. It’s crazy to think you’re capable of winning. It’s crazy to bring a can of pepper spray to a gunfight.”

As soon as Dr. Killian dangled the can of pepper spray in front of McKenzie’s face, she opened her mouth as wide as she could and ripped the tape off that way. She spit in Dr. Killian’s face before taking deep breaths and trying to relax for the horror she would have to endure.

He smiled, wiped the spit off with his finger, and sucked it down like maple syrup. McKenzie shivered in disgust before Dr. Killian grabbed her by the throat and squeezed as hard as he could.

As she gagged, wheezed, and struggled for oxygen, Dr. Killian held the spray bottle to her eyes and laughed maniacally as he pulled the trigger. Except instead of a blizzard of hot chemicals, he got a beeping noise. He slowly let go of the chokehold and allowed McKenzie to cough violently and regain her breath.

Dr. Killian studied the device even further, his face growing more and more confused. He glared at the bottle before peeling the label off and seeing that the pepper spray was actually a beacon.

“What? You thought the courthouse wasn’t going to investigate their own process servers going missing? In about five minutes, the cops are coming to tear this place apart. You could have taken your blood money and paid off your patients like a good corporate stooge. You could have kept this quiet. But you made this shit personal and it’s going to get as loud as a motherfucker up in here!” McKenzie smiled as the words and rage dripped from her mouth.

It didn’t take five minutes. Sirens blasting off in the distance echoed throughout the room and Dr. Killian paced back and forth in nervousness. “No, no, no, no, no! I’m supposed to be the good guy in this story! I’m doing God’s work!”

“Sorry, Dr. Killian…but it’s crazy to rebel against the system,” said McKenzie with a wink.

“Okay, Mrs. Black Lives Matter! Okay, you Snowflake Justice Warrior! You want to be a martyr?! I’ll make you a martyr!” Dr. Killian pulled shock pads from the sides of the table and electrocuted McKenzie’s brain. She could feel her insides droop. She could feel her face fall off. She could feel her brain melting like butter on mashed potatoes. Her eyes popped out of her skull at one point. But she never lost that smile no matter how many volts of electricity she was subjected to. Why would she? It was hard to frown at the prospect of justice being served. She was a process server, after all.

Right Here Right Now

VERSE 1

Get your ass out of bed

You ain’t fucking dead

You just want to pretend

You’re at the contract’s end

I will sue your tired ass

If you don’t get your act

Together right this minute

This fight? You can’t win it

CHORUS

Right here! Right now!

Next show! Next town!

You were born for greatness!

So I won’t accept your lateness!

VERSE 2

Chug that can of Red Bull

Until your bladder’s full

Pop those bitter pills

They help pay the bills

Sign your autographs

Share a few horse laughs

They’re your fucking fans

Treat them like your clan

EXTENDED CHORUS 1

Right here! Right now!

Next show! Next town!

You were born for greatness!

So I won’t accept your lateness!

Right here! Right now!

All smiles! No frowns!

I won’t accept mediocrity!

Or this will end in tragedy!

VERSE 3

Do it for the exposure

As you find some closure

With your corporate deal

Your pie in the sky meal

You’re stretched so thin

It’s almost like a sin

How we treat our staff

It’s all just for a laugh

EXTENDED CHORUS 2

Right here! Right now!

Next show! Next town!

You were born for greatness!

So I won’t accept your lateness!

Right here! Right now!

Make me rich! Make me proud!

You can rest when you’re dead!

But you’ll still be in my debt!

Conspiracy Theory

CHORUS

I have a conspiracy theory

No rest for the weary

Have no choice but to hear me

I have a conspiracy theory

VERSE 1

Bill Maher wants to commit fat guy genocide

Put millennials in ovens until they are fried

Beat Muslims with a bat, it’s what he wants

Since their symbol is a crescent, he eats croissants

Listen, ‘cause the story that I’m telling is true

If he tried to sue, he would badly lose

Maybe I embellished just a little tiny bit

But as long as you’re willing to eat bullshit…

CHORUS

I have a conspiracy theory

No rest for the weary

Have no choice but to hear me

I have a conspiracy theory

VERSE 2

Donald Trump was born on the planet of Mars

Sitting on his pudgy ass eating chocolate bars

The orange on his skin is moldy Wheat Thins

Doritos, Cheetohs, and rotten Papas Fritos

Listen, ‘cause the story that I’m telling is real

It’ll make him squeal, the stuff I reveal

Maybe it’s built on a little white lie

But as long as you’re willing to pray to the sky…

CHORUS

I have a conspiracy theory

No rest for the weary

Have no choice but to hear me

I have a conspiracy theory

VERSE 3

James Woods once sued a starving African teen

For twenty million dollars and his ruptured spleen

The charges stemmed from a 1912 Twitter post

About the so-called actor having brains of buttered toast

Listen, ‘cause the story will involve Dr. Luke

And how they drowned each other in Roman shower puke

If they win their lawsuits, it’ll only be a fluke

Conspiracy theories don’t have to be rebuked

FINAL LINE

I have a conspiracy theory X4

Nothing

VERSE 1

A bikini selfie is worth more than true art

Gigantic tits are worth more than pure heart

Attention is currency worth more than gold

True love is distant, not close enough to hold

Favorites and likes have become so trite

To even those with the true creative might

Shallow values have come to mean something

Yet underneath it all, there’s all but nothing

CHORUS 1

Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

A human body made of paper mache

Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

A human mind to shape like clay

Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

A human spirit to be taken away

Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

A worthless story for another day

VERSE 2

A bold faced lie in a suit and tie

Will bring you to financial highs

A little fairytale going off the rail

Will serve you with papers in the mail

Free speech: silenced with duct tape

Free thought: silenced with mind rape

A big bank account has come to mean something

Underneath it all, you’ve got absolutely nothing

CHORUS 2

Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

A human life made of chips and wires

Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

A human love with no passionate fires

Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

A human story for the funeral pyre

Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

A human body far past retired

VERSE 3

What good is power when it’s used for evil?

What good is love when it isn’t for the people?

What good is money when it’s wastefully spent?

What good is anger when you’re not hell-bent?

What good is attraction when you’re just a fraction?

A former shell of a man who burst into action?

Questions and answers should both mean something

But when there’s something to seek, we find nothing

CHORUS 3

Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

Robotic body with a putty face

Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

Robotic logic so full of disgrace

Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

Robotic motherboard all but fried

Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

Robotic judgment as national pride

FINAL BRIDGE

There really is no dark side of the moon

But it’s where our heroes will go very soon

The artists, the geniuses, everyone in between

Our final generation is what we have seen

A Million Dollars

(A parody of rich people who sue for ridiculous reasons.)

VERSE 1

To make money, you have to have money

I’m laughing to the bank, it’s so damn funny

I’ll take you to court for every fucking penny

Spend your money on hookers named Jenny

You don’t have much, but it’s mine anyways

It’s not my fault you work for minimal pay

The coffee you served me was too damn hot

Someone has to pay for my scarred up crotch

CHORUS

I am going to sue you!

I am going to screw you!

I’ll make you holler!

I’m going to sue you for a million dollars!

VERSE 2

Telling lies about me, that’s called slander

Choke on your bullshit, choke on your candor

Spreading misinformation, that’s defamation

Kidding yourself with mental masturbation

The judge has no sympathy for liars and cheaters

Even if you’re nothing more than a bottom feeder

You have a welfare check? Try to make it stretch

In your financial future, I’ll throw a monkey wrench

CHORUS

I am going to sue you!

I am going to screw you!

I’ll make you holler!

I’m going to sue you for a million dollars!

VERSE 3

It’s not your fault that the system is crazy

It’s all your fault that you’re too damn lazy

Keep manning the grill while I crack the whip

Keep fairytale lies from coming out of your lips

EXTENDED CHORUS

I am going to sue you!

I am going to screw you!

I’ll make you holler!

I’m going to sue you for a million dollars!

I’ll show up to court in a suit and tie!

Watch as you curl up in a ball and die!

See you on the streets, your brand new home!

See me vacationing in the city of Rome!