The Dark of You

There was no glory in being stuck in a cat cage at the Humane Society. Then again, being punched and screamed at by Dr. Claw was the entire reason for MAD Cat being here in the first place. He hissed at the memories of having his head pounded in. He curled in the corner as every insult played in his traumatized mind. The one memory that brought wetness to his eyes was when Dr. Claw smashed MAD Cat’s Inspector Gadget toy bank to pieces.

The black and gray feline tucked his face in his paws and allowed his tears to flow freely. These kinds of emotions were forbidden in his former life of crime and villainy. But in this animal shelter with other meowing felines and barking canines, MAD Cat didn’t have any choices when it came to showing vulnerability. The bumps on his noggin and the redness in his eyes did enough of that for him.

His heart fractured in two at the thought of being potentially adopted by a loving family…mainly because he didn’t know what that was supposed to look like. He didn’t know what love was. He had a vague idea of it for all of the times that Dr. Claw petted him. But if that was his only reference point, then he earned every tear that fell from his bloodshot eyes.

MAD Cat wanted a second chance at life. He wanted to be the loving and sweet kitty that his caretakers at the Humane Society needed him to be. Whenever an ordinary human walked by his cage, he would roll over and fake purrs just to put on a show. But when they stuck their fingers through the cage, anger took over with a growl, a hiss, and a vicious claw slash that sometimes drew blood. The caretakers in scrubs would ask what the hell was wrong with him. The would-be owners would let a stream of curses fly as they held their bloody fingers.

While patience would have to be a virtue for every potential pet owner, knowing they could never show patience for a feral warrior like MAD Cat sent him scurrying into the corner of his cage tucking his head. Another opportunity at life squandered forever. Another crying spell with heavy breathing in between teardrops. MAD Cat had never breathed this heavily before. He could slash and claw like a jungle beast, but only after arriving at the shelter did he huff and wheeze after every confrontation. Was he gaining weight? Was the dried kibble in his pink bowl giving him digestive problems? The food was slightly better than what Dr. Claw used to feed him, but why the heavy breathing?

Every day in this rowdy shelter was the same. Slash, hiss, growl, receive dirty looks, get traumatized by the swear words, rinse, lather, repeat. MAD Cat had completely lost track of how long he’d been in this lonely cage of his own making. Even with all of that time passing by, the memories of Dr. Claw’s abuse remained fresh and painful. He rolled around on the carpeted floor trying to feel comfortable every night.

His bumpy spine wasn’t the problem. The lumps on his noggin didn’t help matters, but it was what was inside the noggin that kept him awake most nights and kept his eyes black and red the entire time. More nightmares. More punches. More threats. More of Dr. Claw’s throaty voice yelling and screaming at him in a way that no master should treat an animal. He’d wake up every morning even more tired than before. And yet, he kept his guard up around any human or animal that walked by his cage. His claws were unsheathed and the scent of blood invaded his nostrils.

And then his eyes burned with scalding tears when he saw other animals being freed from their cages and held tenderly by their new owners. Cats rubbed their heads against children’s arms. Dogs licked their parents’ faces and wouldn’t stop. Dogs and cats collectively rolled over in happiness that their special day had finally come. MAD Cat’s day would never come. He didn’t even bother trying to look cute anymore. No more rolling over or faking purrs. Just sitting in the corner with a clenched jaw, bloody claws, and burning eyes. He almost entertained the idea of going back into Dr. Claw’s arms, but then remembered Inspector Gadget raiding the hideout and putting him here in the first place. MAD Cat crossed his paws and seethed with jealousy.

More days went by and more animals not named MAD Cat were being adopted left and right. More hugs, kisses, purrs, and pets, none of which were for the only cat left in the shelter after the days had turned to weeks. No new influx of animals, only caretakers in scrubs celebrating with champagne that they had, “Cleared the shelters.” MAD Cat’s fuse shortened a little more…and he huffed and puffed a little louder.

And then…the day finally came. But it wasn’t an adopter who visited MAD Cat’s cage. It was a scrub-wearing caretaker with thick rimmed glasses, a skinny build, and a nametag that said Mitch. Mitch’s face was long before, but gained a few more inches as he gazed upon MAD Cat with sadness and regret. “I’m sorry, little guy. It’s time to be put down.”

MAD Cat’s eyes widened and he let out a violent hiss at those words. As soon as Mitch opened the cage just a little bit, MAD Cat flew out and slashed at his face, causing a gash to run down his cheek. The taste of freedom was better than any kibble this god-forsaken shelter served and MAD Cat took full advantage as he darted around the room. Other caretakers in scrubs tried to catch him, but he was too fast. One that was fortunate to grab his tail was met with a nasty bite on the wrist that caused a howl of pain.

He ran past more caretakers, bobbing and weaving through their legs and slashing at anybody who came within inches of recapturing him. And then, a guest opened the front door and MAD Cat bolted outside for fresh air. Breathing cool air never felt so good on his burning lungs. But when he did so, it was heavy and wheezy yet again. His legs ached, his stomach boiled, his lungs barely did their job in supplying him with oxygen. All MAD Cat wanted to do was lay in the street and finally get the sleep he desperately needed, even if a nightmare was waiting for him on the other side. Dr. Claw’s beatings didn’t sound so bad after all.

Just when he was ready to drift away, Mitch wrapped him in a towel and said in a gentle voice, “There you are, little guy! It’s okay. I won’t hurt you. We still love you.” Mitch petted MAD Cat behind the ears and the feline’s tears soaked his already battered face yet again. The scratches sent tingles throughout his scalp and the purring was real this time. “You poor thing. You’ve got a lump on your chest.”

Mitch was right. He touched two fingers to MAD Cat’s chest and sure enough, there it was blocking the feline’s breathing. It all made sense now. What didn’t make sense was why it took this long for MAD Cat to experience any kind of loving touch from the human race. As Mitch took him back inside, MAD Cat realized that this would be the only moment of gentleness he would take to the after life. He wanted to leap out of his caretaker’s arms and make another dash for freedom. But he was so tired. His eyes were closing. Pain disabled his limbs. And that damned lump on his chest…that was the final blow that couldn’t be delivered by Dr. Claw.

Mitch took him into the medical wing and laid him on a metal table, unwrapping the towel as a sign of trust. Every staff member MAD Claw had ungratefully bitten and slashed was standing around him not with masks of anger and blood, but with sympathy and sadness. They all reached over and scratched him behind the ears and on his bumpy back. Even though MAD Cat was purring like a lawnmower this time, he still couldn’t shake the nonstop tears.

As part of this procedure, Mitch pulled out his smart phone and played a sorrowful song for MAD Cat to take with him to the afterlife. Some singer named Ben serenaded MAD Cat with lines about being “The Dark of You” while a piano and thunder accompanied these words. Even the caretakers couldn’t help but tear up and wipe their faces with either their fingers or a nearby Kleenex.

Mitch petted MAD Cat on the head and said, “Don’t worry, little guy. It’ll all be over soon. After this is over, you’ll get to go to a magical place where you don’t have to worry about that mean Dr. Claw ever again. You can be happy again. But you have to hold still for me. Okay?” He kissed MAD Cat on the nose and the feline relaxed into a puddle on the table.

One of the caretakers handed Mitch a needle while others gently cradled the fur ball. There was no last hurrah for MAD Cat. No dash for freedom. No bloody battle. Then again, he didn’t want a last hurrah. He didn’t want to repeat the violence of his former master. He did it only because that was all he knew. Happiness had been so foreign to MAD Cat that it would take a needle poke in his arm to help him realize it. And then the caretakers petted him. And then his eyes closed. They didn’t burn this time. There were no tears. There was only peace and quiet. Blackness clouded his vision as the Broken singer named Ben sang him into the afterlife.

MAD Cat’s blackened vision was brightened by a glowing gold light. When he slowly opened his eyes, they didn’t burn anymore. They didn’t leak salty fluids. His breathing wasn’t heavy anymore. His legs and torso didn’t burn with hellish pain. The lumps on his head were flattened. His bumpy spine felt comfy and warm as he laid in a field of grass. This was what it meant to be…happy.

MAD Cat hopped to his feet and did victory laps around the grass field, the sun warming his fur coat and the colorful bridge in front of him guiding him to even more heavenly pastures. The further he crossed that colorful bridge, the more pep he had in his step. Fuzzy friends of all sorts were waiting for MAD Cat, each of them with purrs louder than a machinegun and doggy smiles that kept the scenery bright. MAD Cat didn’t feel like scratching and biting them. Instead when he crossed the bridge, he wrestled with them on the grassy knoll. Any bites and scratches he unleashed were playful and loving, not malicious. He wouldn’t tire out for a long time, but when he did and the moon and stars replaced the sun, he found himself in the fuzziest cuddle puddle and he didn’t want to move.

Dr. Claw would never find him here. Inspector Gadget wouldn’t start any more fights in his presence. No cage could limit his happiness. MAD Cat finally knew what it meant to be wild and free. Maybe in his next lifetime, he could take a permanent vacation from organized crime and snuggle in his new master’s lap. But for now, all he wanted to do was relax, love, and be loved. Was that too much to ask? His new furry friends disagreed. Maybe MAD Cat could take some of them with him when his time to be reborn came along. That was what the world needed right now: more animal babies, less Dr. Claws.

Whoppers

You like to jerk it off to The Human Centipede

Shake your ass to Green Day’s “Know Your Enemy”

Give lap dances at your local retirement home

Knickknack, paddywack, eat your doggie’s bone

What’s the matter? You don’t like being defamed?

Don’t like shouldering someone else’s blame?

I heard that before, in fact, a million times over

Welcome to the world and its New World Odor

For every double whopper you’ve got about me

I’ve got a thousand more on you, bless creativity

You burglarize houses with a Darth Vader mask

“Use the force” and those who can’t even ask

But your light saber is the size of a toothpick

When it’s time to get it on, you’re fucking useless

You made a donation to the Humane Society

But it was criminal restitution for being rapey

You had to sell your collection of celebrity condoms

To make up for the debt and cut your own losses

Let’s upgrade that double whopper to a size triple

You get your cereal’s milk from your grandma’s nipple

Let’s go quadruple on your heart attack whopper

Or is this where you finally call the crime stoppers?

I wish I had that option when you lied about me

Freedom of speech has never been completely free

Maybe I’ll get you a ball gag for Christmas this year

Stick it in your mouth until the truth is loud and clear

I’ll get you some handcuffs for a stocking stuffer

No access to your keyboard, you’re grounded by mother

I know this all sounds a little creepy and kinky

But it keeps your bullshit from getting too stinky

Pet Names

***PET NAMES***

When going to the Humane Society to adopt a pet, there are certain things a future animal owner looks for. Sometimes age plays a factor. Species is another important one. Friendliness with other animals is a must. But did you ever figure that an animal’s given name would have any effect on his or her adoptability? Because most of the animals are taken from the streets, they don’t already have names assigned to them. Therefore, the Humane Society does that for them. Some of the names are cute and cuddly (Oswald, Ozzy, Tori, and Sitka can all attest to that). And then there are names which are so fucking weird that nobody bothers to adopt that animal. It’s sad and unfortunate, but it’s true. Would anybody adopt a kitty named Boompsa? Admiral Akbar? Sniper? Killer? What the fuck, man? So in this journal, I’m going to give you all ideas for pet names that aren’t too fruity or too weird. They’re just right and if they don’t feel right yet, you’ll get used to them over time. Starting with….

　

　

MALE:

　

　

Adam

Albert

Angelo

Barry

Biggie

Billy

Blake

Bo

Bray

Buddy

Caesar

Calvin

Chuck

Clay

Connor

Cooper

Dallas

Damien

Danny

Diego

Drake

Duncan

Dusty

Eddy

Finn

Frankie

Fred

George

Gerald

Henry

Howie

Jack

Jake

Jerry

Jimmy

Joey

Josh

Kingston

Larry

Louie

Luke

Mac

Marty

Mickey

Mojo

Monty

Nacho

Neville

Norman

Oscar

Owen

Pete

Randy

Ricky

Rocky

Sammy

Scotty

Seamus

Shadow

Simon

Sunny

Sylvester

Thomas

Titus

Tony

Tucker

Tyler

Victor

Woody

Wyatt

　

　

FEMALE:

　

　

Bailey

Becky

Bella

Brie

Cammy

Carmella

Charlie

Cherry

Cookie

Emma

Eva

Harper

Hattie

Jasmine

Jeanie

Jordan

Kelly

Lana

Lexi

Lilly

Marie

Mattie

Murphy

Naomi

Natalie

Nikki

Paige

Patty

Riley

Rosie

Sasha

Summer

　

We’ve got ears, say cheers!

　

***UPDATED CREATIVE TASK LIST***

　

EDITING TIMELINE:



September 1^stt: Teach Me Passion, Twice the Cuteness, Walkabout

September 2^nd: War Is My Destiny, Wendell Backland, Wishes in the Night

September 3^rd: Wrestle Maniac, Format E-Book, Replace Old Copies with New One

　

　

READING PRIORITIES:

　

　

“The Girlfriend Wager” by Edward Davies

“So…I Met a Vampire” by Paul McAvoy

Weekly Short Story Contest and Company: “Flea Market”

“YES!” by Daniel Bryan

　

　

WRITING PRIORITIES:



Blood Brawl: “Chapter 2”

Character Profile: “Cain Lockhart”

Movie or TV Show Review: “Dennis the Menace”

　

　

***PROVERB OF THE DAY***

“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”

Baby Looney Tunes

TV SHOW TITLE: Baby Looney Tunes
CREATOR: Warner Brothers Staff
YEARS ACTIVE: 2001-2002
GENRE: Children’s Cartoon
RATING: TV-Y
GRADE: Pass


Before they became cartoon icons, the Looney Tunes were just little babies in diapers trying to figure out the world with the help of Granny. They played together, they learned together, they even have little adventures together. The usual antics of the Looney Tunes such as dynamite, shotguns, and other slapstick moments have been replaced with bouncy and playful comedy as well as the development of these little kids’ imaginations.

I realize that the show is rated TV-Y and that it’s intended for children with single digit ages, not Generation Y members like me. I have nothing to gain from the lessons taught in these episodes because I’ve seen it all. But darn it, those little Looney Tune babies are so cute! Teeny tiny little animal children bouncing around and playing in little cloth diapers! I usually get this giddy when I visit the Humane Society and check out all of their kitties and puppies.

I wish there was a Humane Society for the Looney Tunes, because I’d scoop up Baby Bugs Bunny and rock him back and forth until he fell asleep and drooled on my arms! Aww!! I’d give Tazz a belly rub, I’d give Sylvester an ear scratch, and I’d even play with Daffy Duck’s bill! This show gets a passing grade just for the cuteness overload. Death by cuteness: what a way to go. Hehe!

From an educational perspective, the lessons learned by the little Looney Tunies at the end of every episode are actually useful to human children. Share your toys, exercise your imagination, be nice to each other, try new things, these are all ideals that parents try hard enough to pass onto their children. And now you have a cute and cuddly show like Baby Looney Tunes passing on these important values that permeate all belief systems.

The one lesson out of the items I’ve listed that I believe is most important is to exercise your creativity when you’re young. It all begins when you’re a little guy and you see something in a book or TV show that excites you and inspires your imagination.

There’s another lesson I’d like to add to that: don’t let anybody ridicule you for having a vivid imagination in the first place. Growing up to be a dull and boring person stems from such negativity. Look at the Looney Tunes all grown up now: do they look boring and dull to you? No, and it’s because Granny nurtured their little minds every step of the way and never told them they couldn’t do something (unless it was dangerous to themselves or other people).

I’ve earned the reputation of being a giant man baby around the house. I watch TV-Y and TV-Y7 rated shows and I find cuteness in everything those shows provide me. If you gain the same reputation for watching Baby Looney Tunes, embrace it. Embrace your inner child and never grow up. The real world is a cold and lonely place. But inside your overactive imagination, there’s a spiritual force that will never let you down.

Tori Edge

Last year (2013), my mom, step-dad, and I went to the Humane Society and picked up two kitty pies to take home with us. One of them is the inspiration for today’s blog entry. Her name is Tori and she’s a tri-colored Abyssinian kitty. She’s an extrovert until the very end. She has a cute kitty voice and isn’t afraid to approach humans and meow to them until they pet her or pick her up. She’s also very playful. Whenever there’s a toy nearby dipped in catnip, she’ll bat that thing around for hours on end and never get bored. Tori is also an avid hunter. She’ll go outside and capture field mice and bunnies, but not for the purpose of sport. She actually had a giant bunny in her mouth and laid it down to try and nurse it (because the Humane Society aborted her kitties and she still has mothering instincts). Is there anything else I can tell you about Tortellini Alfredo Sauce as I like to call her sometimes? Actually, there is one more thing. I’d like to have a human character modeled after her someday named Tori Edge. She was originally going to be used in a college RPG on Good Reads. She was the ex-girlfriend of a schizophrenic student named Mario Bryan (who will get his own post later on). When Mario’s head voices became too much for her to handle, Tori broke up with him right on the cusp of graduation. Ever since then, she found a new boyfriend and I was going to have her introduce him to Mario in the RPG. Unfortunately for Tori, Mario, Tori’s plus one, and of course, me, the Good Reads group had a lot of potential, but virtually no activity. A group is only as good as the people who participate in it. Nobody wanted to role-play with Mario, so there was no opportunity to introduce Tori. So now that Tori never got her start in the literary world, I’m wondering what exactly I can use her for. A cheerleader? A basketball player? A volleyball player? If I’m going to choose a sport for her, I don’t want it to be a bloody one like MMA or pro-wrestling (despite those two being my all-time favorites). Tori Edge is a major sweetheart and shouldn’t have her face bloodied or bruised by an iron-fisted punch from Liz Carmouche or Amanda Nunez. If it’s at all possible, I’d like to preserve Tori’s innocence for as long as possible. Maybe she can be part of a PG or PG-13 story of some kind. No R-rated stuff for her. I wouldn’t want the kitty version of Tori to experience R-rated trauma, so why would I want that for the human Tori Edge? We’ll find something for her. She’s got the athletic grace to do whatever she wants adventure-wise. She could be the next Sonic or Princess Peach, you never know.

　

***INTERNET MEME OF THE DAY***

“I hate being bipolar, it’s awesome!”