Garrison's Library
Monday, November 9, 2026
Masturbating Is Okay, But Telling People You Did It to Them Is Wrong
Sunday, November 8, 2026
Inuyasha vs. Kagome: Even Christian Grey Would Never Resort to Using the Beads of Subjugation
Using Battletoads to Explain Breaking Up with Conservative Friends
Tyris Flare from "Golden Axe": a Fire-Wielding Amazon with No Shortage of Sick Burns
Tom MacDonald: Hates Green Day's Young Fanbase, But Only When He Can't Jerk Off to Them
Saturday, November 7, 2026
Michael Taylor: Game Show Troll Who Should Go Back to the Bridge He Came From
Friday, November 6, 2026
Suck It
VERSE 1
You want to sue me for defamation
But it’s only legalized retaliation
For using my First Amendment rights
You’re not even American, you took a flight
Judge bangs the gavel!
Let’s start the battle!
Or I can just sit at home
Send you all a written note:
CHORUS
Suck it!
Suck it!
Suck it!
Suck my dick!
VERSE 2
Mr. Landlord, how did you learn karate?
You got a million cancer cells throughout your body
That’s what landlords are: tumors on society
You smoked a thousand ciggies, so you failed at sobriety
Post your eviction notice!
Sick your dog named Otis!
Here’s a month’s rent in a little envelope
Just kidding, it’s only a handwritten note:
CHORUS
Suck it!
Suck it!
Suck it!
Suck my dick!
BRIDGE
Everybody owes a debt to someone
Even if your life has come undone
I wasn’t born with a spoon in my mouth
I live in the north, but my life went south
VERSE 3
I pay everything off and you still want more
At the risk of destroying my credit score
At the risk of shopping at the dollar store
At the risk of being an orange suit whore
Your threats are empty!
You got nothing to envy!
You’re a miserable prick who never gets better
Instead of a check, here’s a two-word letter:
CHORUS
Suck it!
Suck it!
Suck it!
Suck it!
BRIDGE
Everybody owes a debt to someone
Even if your life has come undone
I wasn’t born with a spoon in my mouth
I live in the north, but my life went south





