Nerdforge vs. Stone Toss

 

Drew Carey welcomes you to my blog

 

Fitness Guru

INTRO DIALOGUE

You’re not a fitness guru; you’re a eugenicist!

 

SATIRE POEM

I make my salary by burning all my calories

Showing off my ribs, telling fatphobic fibs

Juicing up my biceps, overworking triceps

Got some ten-pack abs, not pinch of flab

 

Why stop there? Let’s erase your autism

And your personality that you got with it

Sell stories about your expendability

Based on corporate greed and your disability

 

“Don’t even bother with the COVID vaccine”

Said the pin cushion who was a heroin fiend

You believe every word, just look at my face

Innocent like an angel from the “Master Race”

 

Take my advice, pay no mind to my voice

What disease do I have? It’s Dealer’s Choice

I never smoked a cigarette a day in my life

Still sounds like I wear a Columbian Necktie

 

I got more wrinkles than crumpled up paper

It started as a baby and I hoped it would taper

Started in the womb, wait, now I remember

I was totally alive then, like Jesus in December

 

Now I got a job fucking up my last name

Drag it through the mud, make it take a walk of shame

Black sheep doesn’t describe me at all

‘Cause if I lived on a farm, my voters would suck my balls

 

So next time you see me on the television

Listen loud and clear, ‘cause there is no intermission

No bathroom breaks even though I’m full of shit

Here’s my healthcare plan, it’s a total money pit

Government efficiency is kind of my jam

Effective at what? Making suckers fall for scams?

Fork over your dough as you die really slow

Make the oligarchy richer, fuck the Average Joe!

Edge Lords

VERSE 1

While my hands are soaking in Ivory liquid

You’re still choking your teenage chicken

While laughing with some rightwing trolls

About Nazi violence so bloody and cold

Ovens and lynchings are hilarious to you

Keep on flashing that disgusting salute

You do it all for the sake of being edgy

While lives are at stake and always ending

CHORUS

Edge lords! They’re coming in hordes!

Edge lords! They draw their swords!

Edge lords! They started this flame war!

Edge lords! I hate what they stand for!

VERSE 2

We’ve all been kids at some point or another

But not all of us have beaten each other

Not all of us have gone marching in the streets

Homemade flamethrowers bringing the heat

Not all of us have spewed vitriol and lies

To the point where another wanted to die

You’re not edgy and cool, you fucking fool

You’re just another easily-controlled tool

CHORUS

Edge lords! They’re coming in hordes!

Edge lords! They draw their swords!

Edge lords! They started this flame war!

Edge lords! I hate what they stand for!

VERSE 3

None of us are perfect, our sins aren’t worth it

Some of us take the past and fucking burn it

Some of us would rather lead good lives

Than make misogynist jokes to our wives

We’d rather give hugs and not ass kickings

That’s how we diffuse bombs that are ticking

We’d rather create a future we can live in

Heil all you want, but we’ll never give in

EXTENDED CHORUS

Edge lords! They’re coming in hordes!

Edge lords! They draw their swords!

Edge lords! They started this flame war!

Edge lords! I hate what they stand for!

Edge lords! Time to cut the cords!

Edge lords! Short circuit their ports!

Edge lords! Go hide in the sewers!

Edge lords! You fucking losers!