Ask Your Doctor if Medical Advice from a Television Commercial Is Right For You

 

David Aceveda from The Shield: Captain of The Barn, Which Is Full of Pigs

 

Braun Strowman: Stop Being a Prick and Get a Prick in Your Arm

 

Yogi Oabs: Be Careful What You Wish For, Because You Just Might Catch It

 

Ryan Long: a "Comedian" Whose Extraordinary Alien Status Is Funnier Than His Standup Material

 

Herman Cain: Inaugural Recipient of the Herman Cain Award

 

Jenna Ellis

 

Chris Taylor Brown from Trapt

 

Fitness Guru

INTRO DIALOGUE

You’re not a fitness guru; you’re a eugenicist!

 

SATIRE POEM

I make my salary by burning all my calories

Showing off my ribs, telling fatphobic fibs

Juicing up my biceps, overworking triceps

Got some ten-pack abs, not pinch of flab

 

Why stop there? Let’s erase your autism

And your personality that you got with it

Sell stories about your expendability

Based on corporate greed and your disability

 

“Don’t even bother with the COVID vaccine”

Said the pin cushion who was a heroin fiend

You believe every word, just look at my face

Innocent like an angel from the “Master Race”

 

Take my advice, pay no mind to my voice

What disease do I have? It’s Dealer’s Choice

I never smoked a cigarette a day in my life

Still sounds like I wear a Columbian Necktie

 

I got more wrinkles than crumpled up paper

It started as a baby and I hoped it would taper

Started in the womb, wait, now I remember

I was totally alive then, like Jesus in December

 

Now I got a job fucking up my last name

Drag it through the mud, make it take a walk of shame

Black sheep doesn’t describe me at all

‘Cause if I lived on a farm, my voters would suck my balls

 

So next time you see me on the television

Listen loud and clear, ‘cause there is no intermission

No bathroom breaks even though I’m full of shit

Here’s my healthcare plan, it’s a total money pit

Government efficiency is kind of my jam

Effective at what? Making suckers fall for scams?

Fork over your dough as you die really slow

Make the oligarchy richer, fuck the Average Joe!

When Destruction Means Nothing

VERSE 1

You won a debate while sipping caramel coffee

Chugged the whole thing without even coughing

You could have won with duct tape on your mouth

Whether you were in Seattle or in the Deep South

Everyone says you destroyed your opponent

But you’ve forgotten one little minor component

Nobody changed their minds after it was all over

Couldn’t be more pissed off if traffic was slower

CHORUS

Destruction means nothing at all

Still breathing, they didn’t fall

When destruction means nothing

The world just keeps on sucking

VERSE 2

You say the best solution is to meet in the middle

Every time some murderer receives an acquittal

Every time a loved one drops dead from Corona

Every time that ICE deports a Jose or a Paloma

The middle of what? A bloody battleground?

An internet brouhaha with dug up Tweets found?

Can’t shake someone’s hand if they’re holding a gun

Especially if they must insist that their side really won

CHORUS

Destruction means nothing at all

Still breathing, they didn’t fall

When destruction means nothing

The world just keeps on sucking

BRIDGE

People only change if they want to do it

At some point you have to say, “Screw it!”

Some people are just stuck in their ways

Especially if their rhetoric heftily pays

VERSE 3

Murdered by words? They’re still sucking oxygen

It could be because they’re seeing a psychologist

Don’t be so open-minded that your brain falls out

Don’t choke on your tongue when it’s time to shout

CHORUS

Destruction means nothing at all

Still breathing, they didn’t fall

When destruction means nothing

The world just keeps on sucking

FINAL LINE

Destruction doesn’t mean jack shit, little man

25 Things That Got Me Through 2020

Earlier today, Ian Danskin aka Innuendo Studios put out a video on You Tube detailing 25 things that got him through 2020. If it’ll help me form at least a modicum of a positive outlook on life and help me fight depression, I’d like to make my own list of 25 things. Here you go!

1. 30 For 30: Nature Boy (ESPN Documentary)

2. Andre the Giant (HBO Documentary)

3. BoJack Horseman: Season One

4. Cold Wind by CJ Box

5. Dark Side of the Ring

6. Doggolescence by Rachel Oates

7. Five Finger Death Punch: F8

8. Force of Nature by CJ Box

9. Idiocracy

10. Inglorious Basterds

11. Kind of Like Life by Christina McMullen

12. Knives Out

13. Mega Man X Soundtrack

14. Papa Roach: Scars en Espanol

15. So Much I Want to Tell You by Anna Akana

16. Solomonster Sounds Off

17. System of a Down: Protect the Land/Genocidal Humanoidz

18. Tales of the Siblings Not-So-Grim

19. Ted (Seth MacFarlane movie)

20. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins

21. The Liberal Redneck Manifesto by Trae Crowder, Corey Ryan Forrester, and Drew Morgan

22. They Called Us Enemy by George Takei

23. World Heroes 2 Soundtrack (Arcade)

24. Wrestle Talk TV

25. Zombieland

I Need a Break

This was posted in the Good Reads group "Weekly Short Story Contests and Company":

Hey, everyone. I’m sure you all have noticed last week that I wasn’t a part of the short story competition. It wasn’t solely because I didn’t want to write The Uromancer anymore (though, that’s a huge part of it). This pandemic has been terrible for my mental health. More often than not, my brain will crap out on me when I need it the most. I’ll have one day of creative work then a gazillion days after that of exhaustion. I need my brain to be at 100% if I want to get anything done. That’s why I’m about to announce that I’m taking a break from the WSS. How long will this break last? I don’t know. All I know is that if I can’t use my energy to write a halfway decent short story or poem, then I should use it to finish rewriting my fantasy novel Beautiful Monster. I only have three chapters left before round three of edits/rewrites is over. Then it’s on to round four…and five…and six…and god knows how many after those. I also want to get some reading done, watch and review a few movies, and put together Lego sets I’ve kept in boxes since Christmas. It’s not that I don’t think the WSS is important. On the contrary, most of the stories in American Darkness and Poison Tongue Tales were entries for this very group. But I’ve been putting off a lot of projects lately and I don’t always have the energy to do them on a consistent basis. Thanks for understanding.

Depression Is Boring

***DEPRESSION IS BORING***

So…I went for my annual physical a couple of weeks ago…and part of this physical with the new doctor was for me to fill out a brief questionnaire about my mental health. These questions included things like “Can you concentrate on basic activities?” and “Do you get easily angered?” Long story short, I scored high on the depression part of the quiz and low on the anxiety portion, although the most defining part of that anxiety quiz was how easily I get angered by little mishaps in life. Obviously, this questionnaire isn’t meant to be an official diagnosis, but if what it says is leaning towards the truth…then there’s a good chance I could have depression alongside my other mental illnesses. It would make the most sense because of the isolation from the pandemic. Everybody’s feeling on-edge right now and it’s particularly worse for people with preexisting mental health problems.

If you follow me on Face Book and/or Twitter, you’ll find that I’m quite candid about my mental illnesses. Lacking the energy to concentrate on basic creative tasks is something I experience far too often these days. The gaps in time between editing chapters of Beautiful Monster, between writing fan fiction shorts, between drawing (passable) pictures of fantasy characters, they’re far too long for my liking. While resting up is pretty much the only way to recover depleted energy, what am I supposed to do until then? If my concentration levels suck that badly, that means anything I do will be usurped by depression. This leads me to believe that…above all else…depression is fucking boring. More than anything, it’s a fucking bore. Staying in bed all day might sound glorious, especially to someone with an exhausting work schedule. But trust me, there’s no glory in feeling defeated all day long.

So what do I do to fill the time in between projects, where resting is paramount? Surely, I can’t just lie in bed all day with my racing thoughts and new age music in the background. If that’s the only thing filling the gaps of time, then that truly is the definition of boredom. Would there be any activities that didn’t require a great deal of focus? I know of at least one of them: You Tube videos. Some of my favorite You Tubers of all time include Jenna Moreci, Hannah Lee Kidder, The Authentic Observer, Cynical Reviews, Krimson Rogue, Casey Aonso, and Strange Aeons to name a few. But like me, they too have long gaps in between creative activities, their primary source being You Tube uploads. So while I’m waiting for new content…what will I do until then?

I suppose I could just watch movies and TV shows since they’re generally considered mindless activities. I have the power to do that since I got a Roku for my birthday this year. The thing is, though, I consider movies to be yet another one of my creative outlets since I write reviews for them once they’re over. So why can’t I just watch a movie for fun and forgo the review entirely? Because reviews are my personal contribution to the world when everything else is on hold. The same can’t be said for TV shows, though, because in order to properly review one, I’d have to condense the many episodes down to one or two talking points. That’s why I don’t review TV shows as often as movies, so maybe TV shows will be strictly for enjoyment and not creative fuel.

You want to know what I’m watching right now? Well, since I’m depressed as fuck, there’s only one wrestling show that can pick me up again: Dark Side of the Ring. If that sounds ironic, it should. Dark Side of the Ring is a documentary series produced by Viceland that covers shameful topics in professional wrestling, whether it’s the death of Gino Hernandez, the Montreal Screwjob, the Chris Benoit double-murder suicide, or if you need a more recent example, New Jack’s controversial behavior. Seriously, the New Jack episode made me feel grateful that I didn’t become a hardcore wrestler, because I probably would have been carved like a Thanksgiving turkey by this insane motherfucker. Rest in peace, Mass Transit. Eat shit, New Jack.

Another go-to source of fun during times of depression has been taking photographs of my animals and toys and Photoshopping them in creative ways. I have over a hundred pictures of Piper alone, more than any other animal I’ve had or currently have. What about my Lego ogre? The one with the tooth hammer and the nasty demeanor? He probably got more camera time than any other toy I’ve got.

But therein lies the problem: every time I take a picture and post it online, it feels like I’m playing the greatest hits and doing the same thing over and over again. Yes, there are over a hundred pictures of Piper, but what’s the difference between each of them individually? One of them was adjusted through a green filter to make it look like she was being abducted by aliens. One of them was adjusted through a red filter to make it look like she was being haunted by demons. One of them is a close-up of her face with a purple filter. So what? A few unique pictures out of many similar ones? Something needs to change. Same goes for the toy pictures.

Here’s another activity that I can fall back on during days of depression: long distance walks, either to the Hi-Way Market convenience store or around the Fred Meyer plaza, the latter of which will give me more exercise due to how long it is. But since we’re in the middle of a summertime heat wave, is it really wise for me to stay outdoors longer, especially when my energy is sapped from my body and mind because of the heat? Am I really getting much of a workout going to the convenience store since it’s a shorter distance? Either way, I can only do these outdoor walks once because of the physical toll it takes on my 300 lb body. Once they’re over for the day, I’ve got to find something else to do.

I’m probably leaving a lot of potential activities out for the sake of brevity. Yes, it’s Port Orchard and even if it wasn’t, it’s still not safe to go out in public for anything other than necessities. The only source of fun has to come from my own home and that’s where a lot of my mental health problems get triggered. Yes, I’m an introvert who craves solitude, but isolation and loneliness are an entirely different ball of wax. That shit messes with my head in ways I never thought possible. Negative memories from under two decades ago are flooding my mind like they actually matter in 2020.

I was lucky enough to find the peace and quiet I needed to write this blog entry, but that’s not always the case. Waiting for the memories to die down takes time…and taking time is boring, just like depression itself. Let me say it one more time for the armchair psychologists in the back: depression is a fucking bore! Depression is like watching three hours of Monday Night Raw in the fall of 2018. Depression is like watching paint dry. Depression is like watching grass grow. It is…a FUCKING BORE!


***ONLINE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

(Circa 2005)

MY SPACE TROLL: You need some serious help if you thought that movie was good.

GARRISON: Help? What kind of help? I know! Why don’t you come on over here and help me with my pants zipper! There’s a special prize for you underneath if you do!

Reincarnation

 ***REINCARNATION***

This pandemic has left a lot of us on cruise control, which means a lot of time to think about whatever. For people like me who suffer from a variety of mental illnesses, that’s not always a good thing. Imaginations aren’t always about unicorns and dragons and woodland elves. Sometimes they’re a lot more sinister. Sometimes you argue with your head voices and accomplish nothing except for ensuring your own heartache in the process. And somewhere in this sea of diarrhea, you find a few gems. My gem happens to be the concept of reincarnation. It’s something I’ve made up my mind about a long time ago, but haven’t really discussed it at length with anybody, let alone the public. So in the interest of coming to grips with our own mortalities in the midst of worldwide trauma, here are my thoughts on the subject:

Despite being a hardcore atheist with no desire for heaven and hell, I do believe in reincarnation. It doesn’t have to be influenced by religion or politics. My own belief in reincarnation is one out of necessity. The idea of dying and being frozen in time with no consciousness and nothing to do is just boring to me. So boring, in fact, that it would drive me insane despite not having a consciousness. I do want to be reincarnated when I die. I don’t want to just sit around and stare at a blank screen for all eternity. Would I have any say as to how I would be reincarnated? Of course not. That would ruin the whole mystery of it all and make death completely meaningless.

What would I be reincarnated as? A human child in a loving home? A human child in a broken home? A future metal head in the making? A future country star in the making? An author again? An atheist? A Christian? An American? A Canadian? A Saudi Arabian? Whatever this new life would be, it would come with its own lessons and challenges, just like any other life. There would be complexities, opinions, feelings, and three-dimensional characteristics. I would have my own set of demons that would either traumatize me for life or give me something to conquer. Or maybe I could just be reborn as a lap cat and completely laze my way through existence. That would be nice!

If you think I’m spouting a bunch of verbal diarrhea when it comes to my reincarnation beliefs, that won’t bother me at all. You can agree or disagree with or without evidence. There really isn’t a whole lot of science to confirm my beliefs, so I could very well believe in something strictly for comfort’s sake. But I do have some questions for you all to think about. Why were we born in this specific time period? Why do I have this specific consciousness? What was I doing long before my birth into this specific life? Was I just staring at a blank screen this whole time? But how can I if there’s no consciousness or eyeballs to speak of? Why wasn’t I born in the middle ages? Or the old west? Or in Russia? Or in Germany? Or in South Africa? Am I making sense or am I word barfing onto the page?

Again, my beliefs are strictly for comfort’s sake. It’s kind of like the idea of The Rainbow Bridge, which is the animal version of heaven. Our puppies and kitties can run around freely and play and wrestle as long as they want to and when they get tired they can get in one big cuddle puddle. When they’re ready to return to earth, they can keep on being their cute selves, but in a different body with a different set of circumstances. There’s no proof that The Rainbow Bridge is real. It’s something we tell each other so that our dead animals don’t feel alone. I say it a lot when it comes to my own animals, whether it’s my gray and white kitty Emilio, my chubster kitty Oswald, or my saggy-jowled Maggie puppy. Nobody has disputed these talking points and I wouldn’t want them to. We don’t want to think of our animals as being alone out there in space. We want them to dance and play on The Rainbow Bridge.

If you’re still not satisfied with the idea of reincarnation, then there’s one more way to stay alive: immortalization in the minds of others. Your decisions and actions have a huge impact on the people around you whether these actions are small or magnanimous. You could donate a million dollars to the poor or you can say hello to a random stranger. Those things matter and they will immortalize you. But for me personally, I want my impact on this world to live on in the digital world. That’s why I publish my books with Amazon and post blogs like this one on social media. The bigger my digital footprint, the harder it is for people to forget, and the longer I’ll stay alive even after I’m gone.

I’m not one to force my ideas upon the world and make people conform to me. Imagine how boring life would be if everybody thought the way I do. That’s a lot of schizophrenic weirdoes! In all seriousness, though, if you don’t want to believe in reincarnation or you want to see it through an entirely different lens, then that’s your prerogative and I won’t harass you for it. I’m merely sharing my thoughts with the world, that’s all.

But whether reincarnation exists or not, I want you all to do me a favor. Live the very best life you can. I know that’s hard to do with the pandemic and world news going on, but your happiness is important. If you can’t find it on a larger scale, then you can try to find it in the little things. Life is worth living, Corona Virus or not. Tell the people around you that you love them and mean it with every fiber of your being. We will get through this. And if you don’t, then may you be reincarnated into a saggy-jowled puppy-duppy who gets lots of pettings and love from your owner. I’m Garrison Kelly! Thank you for keeping the faith!


***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Come and share this painting with me. Unveiling of me. The magician that never failed. This deep sigh covers all of my chest. Intoxicated by a major chord. I wonder, do I love you or the thought of you? Southern blue. Morning dew. Let down your guards. I love yous. Ice cream castles. Lips to ear rhymes. A slumber deeper than time. Slow, love, slow. Only the weak are not lonely.”

-Nightwish singing “Slow, Love, Slow”-

How Much Longer? Wait Your Turn...

How much longer until this is over?

When my thoughts are clear and sober?

When the voices leave my mind forever?

Please tell me that the answer isn’t never

Wait your turn like a good little boy

Wait your turn to unhear the noise

Like a rainstorm, it’ll eventually pass

Until then, enjoy your kick in the ass

How much longer until I can leave?

Until making a cure has been achieved?

Until authority will no longer deceive?

Hopefully soon is what I can believe

Wait your turn like everybody else

We’re in this together, our moment of hell

Don’t be tempted by the church bells

Don’t forget about the ones who fell

How much longer until permanent peace?

Until the madness of the world will cease?

Until people come before the economy?

Until we can skip this whole tragicomedy?

Wait your turn like a model citizen

What makes you so goddamn different?

Don’t let your selfishness get in the way

Of America living on for another day

How much longer until I can rest my head?

And not have to worry about being dead?

Maybe that’s the only logical conclusion

Maybe I shouldn’t give into delusions

Wait your turn, you’ve got a long way to go

When your time will come, nobody knows

Get to work on your precious purple prose

Work until the day that your breathing slows

I know it’s cruel and it just isn’t fair

All I can tell you is to grow a brass pair

You never signed up for military life

But the truth cuts deeper than a bowie knife

Screw your harshness, screw your indifference

Screw your so-called melodic dissonance

I’ll be back in true form one of these days

Until then, your welcome is long overstayed

I’m the landlord and the rent is now due

Don’t act like this just came out of the blue

I’ll kick your ass out of my mind so fast

You’ll be too far back in the prehistoric past