Mary Shelley: Matriarch of Science Fiction (Happy International Women's Day!)

 

I know I accidentally made her look like J.K. Rowling, but trust me, that's Mary Shelley. History owes her a debt of gratitude. Everyone else owes J.K. Rowling a middle finger.

Selling Your Soul

VERSE 1

You sold your soul for some paper and metal

Digital transactions from lawsuits you settled

All you have left is a mediocre shell

And a special seat for you waiting in hell

Your spirit was once so colorful and bright

Before you fell off hard after turning right

Your road to heaven was paved with blood

Your so-called “truth bombs” were only duds

 

VERSE 2

When I give my soul to the left

I get a return on what I invest

The stories of underdogs just like myself

Told in the form of books on my shelf

Songs, art, movies, and more

Keep me from becoming a bootlicking whore

I grew and matured, I learned from the best

Who cares about results on a standardized test?

 

VERSE 3

Crushing dreams is what keeps you alive

Heaven forbid that creativity thrives

They should sell their souls for a pizza party

In a corporate office packed like sardines

Into cubicles more like trash compactors

That’s how you see them, they suppress detractors

Power corrupts, it’s an insatiable hunger

Feed the addiction while the artists suffer

 

VERSE 4

Why hire meat sacks when robots are cheaper?

Why use your brain when your pockets are deeper?

Why relate to another human being?

When outer beauty is all that you’re seeing?

Beauty fades and so does common sense

Those who enable you are not your friends

They carry knives in search of a back

Slip up just a little and they’re on the attack

They run away with your big money sack

Another soulless wonder, you’re left with jack

“Capitalism breeds innovation” they say

Yet it’s the same old shit every damn day

Problematic Authors

(sigh)…I need some advice from internet land. What I don’t need is to be called a “woke snowflake” and anybody who says something to that effect will be permanently booted from my immediate vicinity. I have two whole bookcases full of unread books and some of those books were written by authors of…questionable character. Do I read those books anyways? Do I mercilessly roast the authors who wrote them when I do my online reviews? Do I sell the books online or donate them to either a library or a thrift store? In case you’re wondering which books I’m talking about, here’s a brief list of what I’ve got:

1. “Al Franken: Giant of the Senate” by Al Franken

2. “Bobby Kennedy” by Chris Matthews

3. “Book of Guys, The” by Garrison Keillor

4. “Cuckoo’s Calling” by Robert Galbraith

5. “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them” by JK Rowling

6. “God Delusion, The” by Richard Dawkins

7. “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child” by JK Rowling

8. “House of Dragons” by Jessica Cluess

9. “Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot” by Al Franken

Now…you’ll notice right away that conspicuous by their absences are Frank Miller and CJ Box. You could call that hypocrisy on my part. You could say that I don’t have a consistent gage for what I consider to be toxic behavior. Or you could say that you know you done fucked up as an author when you’re considered more toxic than Frank Miller and CJ Box. As far as I know, CJ Box hasn’t tried to grope women in public. Frank Miller seems remorseful over some of his bad comics, as opposed to covering his own ass like Jessica Cluess. What do you guys make of all this? And remember: be respectful in the comments section. I know this isn’t everyone’s favorite topic, so if you don’t have anything cool to say, then skip over this post.

25 Things That Got Me Through 2020

Earlier today, Ian Danskin aka Innuendo Studios put out a video on You Tube detailing 25 things that got him through 2020. If it’ll help me form at least a modicum of a positive outlook on life and help me fight depression, I’d like to make my own list of 25 things. Here you go!

1. 30 For 30: Nature Boy (ESPN Documentary)

2. Andre the Giant (HBO Documentary)

3. BoJack Horseman: Season One

4. Cold Wind by CJ Box

5. Dark Side of the Ring

6. Doggolescence by Rachel Oates

7. Five Finger Death Punch: F8

8. Force of Nature by CJ Box

9. Idiocracy

10. Inglorious Basterds

11. Kind of Like Life by Christina McMullen

12. Knives Out

13. Mega Man X Soundtrack

14. Papa Roach: Scars en Espanol

15. So Much I Want to Tell You by Anna Akana

16. Solomonster Sounds Off

17. System of a Down: Protect the Land/Genocidal Humanoidz

18. Tales of the Siblings Not-So-Grim

19. Ted (Seth MacFarlane movie)

20. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins

21. The Liberal Redneck Manifesto by Trae Crowder, Corey Ryan Forrester, and Drew Morgan

22. They Called Us Enemy by George Takei

23. World Heroes 2 Soundtrack (Arcade)

24. Wrestle Talk TV

25. Zombieland

Sing a Different Tune

 You butter me up like I’m corn on the cob

Oscar-worthy performance to make me sob

Touch my heart with your fingers and lips

Thirsty fan boys already coming up with ships

But you see who I am, sing a different tune

Bellyful of jelly, peanut butter on a spoon

Head full of dread, awkward to the max

All your kisses and hugs turn into attacks

You throw money at me like a stripper

Looking for poetry to undo your zipper

Stories that will make your soul fly high

You kiss my hand and call me cutie pie

But you see what I write, sing a different tune

Ramblings and rants of a silly little loon

Some swearing, piss, vinegar, and saltiness

Set my book on fire, now you’re assaulting it

You put me in a box before you met me

Now you can’t wait to fucking forget me

Being who I am sent you to a therapist

To complain about my venom and arrogance

Get to know me before you kneel and blow me

Fake promises are all that you’ve shown me

Trying to mold me into something I’m not

Sorry, but my soul could never be bought

All of you motherfuckers will sing a different tune

Not a hint of Happy Birthday in the month of June

Not a Hip-Hip-Hooray or asking if I’m okay

But a nee-ner-nee-ner-nee-ner and Go Away

I’ve never once been the leader of a choir

A perfect brain child, something I can’t sire

A perfect image of what you all call beauty

Sing a different tune so blue and moody

Quick Update for Reviews

Looking back at my most recent reviews, it appears as though I’ve been giving the Extra Credit grade far more often than I’d have you all believe. I keep bragging about how it’s a “rare grade” and I thought to myself…maybe it shouldn’t be. Maybe I shouldn’t be so picky when it comes to grading things I love. From this day going forward, the terminology I use for each individual grade (Extra Credit, Pass, Mixed, Fail, and Zero Credit) will be replaced with letter grades instead (A, B, C, D, and F). The word “pass” doesn’t have the same definition for every reviewer. I used to use it to mean “you passed the class” whereas others use it to mean “I’m passing on your project”. Also, two stars doesn’t really come off as true failure. That’s all I have to say for now: five-star reviews will come more often and letter grades will replace outdated terminology.

Brainwashed By Television

Swordfights are fun! Fairytale romances are fun! Fairytale romances that happen as a result of swordfighting are fun! Buy this cheeseburger! Buy this appliance! What a splendid pie! Pizza pizza pie! Every minute, every second, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy! You feel hungry yet? If so, what are you hungrier for: a Disney princess or an extra large pepperoni pizza? Having a hard time deciding? Don’t worry, because the television will decide that for you. I can’t speak for the entire population, but I must confess that I’ve been brainwashed by television. It’s not just the juicy bacon double cheeseburgers on screen that capture my imagination. It’s not some random guy saying, “Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop ‘em in your mouth!” when referring to popcorn shrimp. It’s the ultra spicy women. It’s the romantic storylines those women are a part of that make me want it for myself.

The other day, my brother and I were driving home from Wendy’s (as a result of being brainwashed by their commercials). He mentions to me that he has a friend who doesn’t want to be in a relationship with women anymore because it keeps him from doing all the things he wants to do with his life. Disney movies like Aladdin and Snow White will show you the magical side of romance. They’ll show you the heartstrings being pulled, the stars in the lovers’ eyes, the irresistible physical beauty, and the all-important happily ever after. I explained to my brother that the reason I was interested having a relationship for myself is because I was brainwashed by television into believing that. One romantic relationship onscreen is questionable on its own. But when you get hit with that kind of message over and over again for a long period of time, you start to believe it. First it’s Aladdin and Jasmine bonding over their economic statuses. Then it’s Marty Deeks and Kensi Blye from NCIS: Los Angeles bonding over their traumas (because love totally cures everything, right?). I’m not ragging on people who genuinely enjoy romantic storylines. I’m just relating my experiences, that’s all.

You know what those Disney movies don’t tell you about relationships? They’re work. They’re a LOT of work. Basically, you’re responsible for another human being. If you have children together, you’ll be responsible for a LOT of human beings. You have to make compromises and sacrifices in order to keep your partner happy. Your partner has to do the same. Sometimes these sacrifices means scaling back on dreams you’ve previously had, whether it’s world travel, a music career, an acting career, or whatever. Some people can juggle a relationship with their ambitions. Some people can’t and they remain miserable. Where would I fall under those categories? That’s the thing: I wouldn’t know because I’ve only been in two relationships my whole life. One of them was an online romance and the other was casual dating. I’ve never felt like my freedom was limited or even tested in the slightest, but only because it hasn’t had that chance. It’s weird, because I turned down dates left and right in middle school because I thought my individuality was going to be threatened. Would it have been? I don’t know.

So where did we get this idea that romance is the be-all-end-all of life goals? Obviously, we’ve been pounded over the head with this idea from when we were small up until adulthood. But let’s examine this further, shall we? It’s what authors do best. Think about your favorite piece of media, whether it’s a movie, TV show, videogame, book, or otherwise. Ever notice that anytime an attractive woman is featured in those stories, most of the time she’s shoehorned into a relationship with a male character? Take Super Street Fighter II, for example. There are only two female characters in that whole game: a kung fu practitioner named Chun Li and a British Intelligence officer named Cammy White. Both characters are physically attractive and the programmers made extra sure to put them in revealing outfits, Chun Li in a bottomless Chinese dress and Cammy in a thong leotard. When Chun Li is the one who kills M. Bison (the main boss), she goes on to become a “single girl” (at least that’s one of her endings). When Cammy defeats Bison, he reveals to her that they “used to be in love”. The only male characters who are given the romantic treatment are Vega (who’s a narcissistic Spanish ninja) and Ken (a karate master who marries his fiancé Eliza). Vega and Ken aren’t nearly as sexualized as Cammy and Chun Li are, and the latter two are the only females in the game. Draw your own conclusions.

But it’s not just videogames. It’s any kind of media you can think of. The original Star Wars movies feature Princess Leia in a golden bikini. Also, she has a romantic storyline with Han Solo. Coincidence? Sure, why not? WWE is notorious for doing romantic storylines with their attractive female roster. As I’m writing this, there’s sexual tension between Buddy Murphy and Aalyah Mysterio (Rey’s daughter). Why did they decide this? Who knows? What about NCIS? Ziva David is an Israeli assassin who joins the team. She’s also an attractive female who’s got a slow burn going on with a male cohort, Tony DiNozzo. Why is this happening? Why is this spread across virtually all media? Why do some of these characters have to be shoehorned together? Sometimes the chemistry is there and it makes for a good storyline. But not all the time. Sometimes you’ve got Kickboxer: Vengeance. Sometimes you’ve got Fifty Shades of Grey. Sometimes you’ve got…(gulp)…365 Days, where the lead female is being held hostage by the lead male and is given that amount of time to fall in love with him. Romanticizing Stockholm Syndrome! Yum! Ugh…

I get that romance is a part of life. I get that it makes for good media. I get that people have ambitions to be a wife or a husband, a mother or a father. I’m not knocking anybody who believes in these dreams. To each their own. But for me personally, the reason I want a romance for myself is because I’ve been brainwashed by TV. If I think about it, there’s no reason why my personality will mesh well with a Cammy White or a Ziva David. There’s no reason why any You Tuber would want to travel X number of miles just to hook up with me. I say these things not to whine or complain. I say them because realistically, it’s true. Or to paraphrase a line from George Costanza, “Three hundred pound men with no job, no car, and who live with their parents don’t approach strange women.” I hate even saying that, because I can always point to characters like Otis from the WWE and Aladdin from the Disney movies as examples of men who break barriers to get the beautiful girl. It can happen. But not always. It’s not a surefire outcome. I’ve been beaten over the head with romance so many times in my life that I once believed that there’s someone for everyone. Who’s out there for me? Is she American? Is she Icelandic? Is she Russian? And if I do find this person, how long will she last with me before I annoy the piss out of her? There’s no such thing as job security when it comes to the role of a boyfriend or girlfriend.

But I can still dream. As a matter of fact, I do dream. All the time. I have a very active imagination whenever I’m given alone time. You know what I do with that imagination? I fantasize about resting my head on a woman’s lap while she plays with my hair and says sweet things to me. Who is this woman? It could be a You Tube crush. It could be a celebrity crush. It could be a musical crush. Why do I think about doing this with any of my crushes? Because they did it on an episode of Millennium called “A Room with No View”, though that could hardly be called romantic. Lucy Butler, a demonic seductress, holds one of her captives’ head in her lap and she cuddles with him while giving him kisses and talking sweetly to him. That’s right. I based a romantic fantasy off of a television show about serial killers. If that’s not brainwashing my television, I don’t know what the fuck is. If you’ve seen that episode and are suffering from Stockholm Syndrome yourself, you know why.

I guess the moral of the story is to do your research on what you want before you commit to it. That can apply to romance, but it can also apply to other aspects in life whether it’s a travel destination, a job, a hobby, or a concert to name a few. Only you can decide what’s right and what’s wrong for yourself. Only you can make decisions with your life going forward. If you want a relationship, that’s great. If not, that’s great too. What do I want? I’ll figure it out as soon as I undo my brainwashing by television.

I Didn't Mean to Bore You

VERSE 1

What do I do to earn my glorious payday?

More like what I do to pass the time away

I create magic universes for others to see

Create 3D characters who eventually bleed

Write it all down and let the printer’s ink dry

Which is more than I’ll say about your eyes

Ask more questions, go ahead, I implore you

I’m so, so sorry, I didn’t mean to bore you

VERSE 2

One word answers are all that I’ll give

Code of silence is how I choose to live

Resting Bitch Face so photogenic

Photoshop’s got nothing on this edit

Blunt affect voice, my weapon of choice

Groaning and grunting, my only noise

Don’t take this as a sign I’ll ignore you

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bore you

BRIDGE

No common ground between the two of us

No longevity of friendship or moment of lust

Nothing to do but milk the grandfather clock

I can tell you’re more excited picking out socks

VERSE 3

Did I do anything fun on Valentine’s Day?

Sat on my ass and watched time tick away

Waiting for exhaustion to pass over my mind

Looking for inspiration anywhere I can find

Did I do anything fun on the fourth of July?

Just lay in my beddy-bye and ask myself why

Mandatory fun? I’d never even force you

I’m so, so sorry, I didn’t mean to bore you

FINAL VERSE

Until next time when we’re strangers again

Remember me not as your favorite friend

Remember me not as the one who rewards you

I’m so, so sorry, I didn’t mean to bore you

"What I'm Not" Officially Canceled

***”WHAT I’M NOT” OFFICIALLY CANCELED***

It’s not often than I scrub a piece of creative writing I did off the face of the internet. The last time I did it was in 2014 with a PG-13 erotica short story called Tainted Love. Six days after my 29^th birthday, this stinker managed to piss off the entire world with the way I objectified the lone female character and glorified her Stockholm Syndrome. I own that black eye on my track record and promise never to do those horrible things again. So what could I have possibly written this time that would deserve such a thorough cleansing from the web? I’ll tell you what it was: the first and final episode of What I’m Not.

I’ve had the idea for What I’m Not for as long as I’ve been fantasizing about having a You Tube channel. Many of my closest friends encouraged me to do my own You Tube project and I’ve been hesitant to give it a try, for fear that the ungodly amount of stress would send me into a schizophrenic hell all over again. But let’s say for instance that I had the guts to bare my soul to the world in front of a phone camera. What I’m Not was supposed to be a vlog series detailing all of my worst mistakes as a semi-professional author. In other words, it was a cautionary tale to rookies to not fuck up as badly as I did. I made the mistakes so nobody else would have to.

In theory, this would actually be a good idea. I don’t have much in the way of writing expertise except for what not to do. I still can’t craft a 3D character worth a damn. I still don’t know what the fuck a “character-driven story” is. What I’m Not would have been a comedic and lighthearted look into my worst decisions. So when I wrote the first episode, which was about admitting unemployment to strangers, audience members, and bosses, I decided to have a little fun and pepper in some jokes here and there. I was so excited to have this episode written that I didn’t even proofread the damn thing before posting it. That in and of itself would have made a fine idea for a What I’m Not episode.

When I finally read what I had written (twice), I was frozen with horror. There’s no way in hell writing this awful could have come from my imagination. I’m not even talking about first draft standards, because let’s face it, all first drafts by their very nature suck. This episode was by far, no exaggeration, the WORST thing I had ever written. It was so bad, in fact, that I scrubbed it from the internet before it had the chance to be critiqued. At least with the first draft of Beautiful Monster, it had potential despite the glaring flaws in the way I handled the subject of rape. At least with the first draft of Silent Warrior, it was…well…something! This episode of What I’m Not was a disaster from the get-go. It had no such potential. My big fat ass cat Oswald could have written a better episode than this and all he does is lie around and piss himself while waiting to die.

The tone of this episode could only be described as a whiny rant. I whined about my job hunting past. I whined about classism in dating. I ranted against people who were just trying to be nice and make small talk with me. All of this was supposed to be done in a comedic tone, but trust me when I say there was nothing funny about what I had written. A burning orphanage is funnier than this. Childhood cancer is funnier than the garbage I had written. Lily Singh’s “comedy” is funnier than…eh, you get the point by now. Wouldn’t want this blog entry to be a whining mess either, so I’ll quit while I’m ahead.

After I had wiped this episode from my social media pages and taken a few deep breaths to chill my anxiety, I questioned whether or not future episodes of What I’m Not would be just as bad as this one was. Fearing the answer might be an emphatic “fuck yes”, I decided going forward that the What I’m Not series had to be permanently canceled. I’m sure there’s a market for advice on what not to do as a writer, but I’m not the salesman. Not anymore. But did these episodes have to be funny? In my mind, they did, because that was the only thing they had going for them. If I tried to make the episodes serious, it would have sounded even whinier than before.

While my social media accounts have a small audience, You Tube would have had a lot more eyes on it. Can you imagine if I translated my writing into a video and a gajillion people saw it? I consider myself fortunate that I can toe the line between a private citizen and an internet personality. This is not a microscope I want to find myself under. This is not a hill I want to die on. If I ever decide to do a nonfiction series again, I’ll need a different topic and it’ll have to be a topic that doesn’t require a comedic edge. I can be funny from time to time, but not all the time. I don’t have the charisma to keep my funny streak going forever and ever. Drama is much easier than comedy, but whining will not be tolerated.

Will I ever create a You Tube channel given that What I’m Not turned out to be a dud? I think I’m more comfortable writing my nonfiction out instead of being in front of a camera. Yes, I know that staying in the comfort zone is supposed to be a bad thing, but then again, so is falling so badly on my ass that I can’t recover. My You Tube audience wouldn’t have let me hear the end of it. At least on Deviant Art, Good Reads, and Blogger, I don’t have to worry about supreme failure, because the audience for those platforms is smaller. But a small audience won’t bring me a great deal of success. Then again, success doesn’t always amount to fame and fortune. Everyone’s idea of success is different and sometimes it doesn’t mean being glared at under the world’s most powerful electron microscope.

If this blog entry sounds too whiny to keep my message consistent, I apologize profusely. I don’t know who was really looking forward to the What I’m Not series, but it’s been officially canceled as of now. My main priorities at the moment will be editing Beautiful Monster, reading my books, drawing my pictures, and watching my movies. Drawing and movie watching in particular are both excellent ways to get away from the writing grind and restore some of my lost energy. Sure, I write reviews for every movie I watch (Star Wars Episodes VII-IX be damned), but at least I have the energy to do those by the time the movie is over. Funny how that works out. As far as Beautiful Monster is concerned, I still have chapter seven staring me in the face, but that’s okay because it’s not a time sensitive project. Editing jobs aren’t supposed to be. Slow and steady wins the race. I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I want to go home, take off this uniform, and leave the show. But I’m waiting in this cell, because I have to know: have I been guilty all this time?”

-Pink Floyd singing “Stop”-

Superhuman

I want to be superhuman, fucking invincible

Drive a car without getting smashed into kibble

Write like my life depends on it, because it does

Read a gazillion books per motherfucking month

Make so many friends and know how to keep them

Make my crushes known instead of just a secret

Go back to school and earn a shit ton of A-pluses

Donate my time to fur babies in need of cuddles

Start my very own channel and earn a lot of likes

Sell my books until there’re none left in sight

Travel the world to visit my very best friends

America, South Africa, and Britain around the bend

I want to be superhuman, make my dreams come true

Make the world a better place for guys like me and you

Leave behind a legacy, not a carbon footprint

This is the game of life, I want to fucking win

Future generations can only look up to me

If I’m superhuman even when I hurt and bleed

I want to be fucking tough, I want to like it rough

Unlimited energy is somehow never just enough

The world is mine if I want to take the damn thing

When I get off my ass, they’ll start calling me king

Raised By Television

VERSE 1

How many slurs are you allowed to use?

How many drugs are you allowed to abuse?

How many sheep are you allowed to confuse?

How many lives are you allowed to lose?

You watch the box, but never question it

You have a dispute, but never settle it

You never pick apart the stories you hear

Cave in to manufactured crises and fears

CHORUS

Raised by television

Rattling your vision

It’s now your mission

To widen the division

VERSE 2

Fantasy, reality, what’s the difference?

Fucked up adult, why the bitterness?

Nostalgic for your lost brain cells

And your depleted creative wells

Nothing wrong with a good story

Nothing wrong with living the glory

As long as you think for yourself

And not let your life spiral to hell

CHORUS

Raised by television

Rattling your vision

It’s now your mission

To widen the division

BRIDGE

Question everything

The lyrics you sing

The shows you watch

The life you botch

VERSE 3

Pick up a book and learn how to hook

The audience in for more than a look

Go outside and play Seek and Hide

Jump on the rollercoaster, go for a ride

Swim in a lake for as long as you take

Drive around town to musical sounds

When you go back to the glowing box

Keep your wits, be crazy like a fox

CHORUS

Raised by television

Rattling your vision

It’s now your mission

To widen the division

Island Zealot

A mismatch from the very beginning

There never really was any winning

Nothing in common but our biology

Brought together through technology

I could show you my CD collection

The heaviest hard rock connection

I could show you my shelves of books

Obscure titles with exciting hooks

You could pet my elderly kitty cat

Earn head bumps and purrs just like that

We could talk about power to the people

And try to pretend everything is equal

We could play with my chest of Legos

Make them fight right from the get-go

I could write you a poem or story

That’ll leave your soul freely soaring

We could go for a walk to stuff our faces

With so much food from different places

But it was never really meant to be

I’m an island zealot, but what does it mean?

It means I’m the only one in this room

Who follows my own interests to my doom

I can’t share them with you, you don’t care

You cut me down with a confused stare

All you cared about was my profile picture

Could your shallow intentions get any sicker?

You’d leave me once the beauty fades away

I’m sorry, but I didn’t come here to play

My hair and eyes are my best features, I’m told

But a handsome profile doesn’t equal pure gold

I need someone to be my very best friend

Give it to me or this conversation will end

I don’t need new hobbies or interests, honey

Don’t need a billion dollars worth of hush money

I’m good enough to be my own fucking man

I’m sorry I don’t fit into your devious plans

2019

My intentions for the brand new year

Have never been so crystalline clear

Drop a hundred pounds as I walk this town

While listening to favorite heavy metal sounds

Publish a new book full of action and drama

Edit that bitch down to the very last comma

Find a girl who loves me for my soul

Who’ll pull me out of my blackest hole

Read more books and clear my shelves

I’ll review them all, but read for yourselves

Learn how to drive some clunky machinery

Eat less junk food and eat more greenery

See Tarja Turunen perform at a show

Even if the destination is one I don’t know

Buy a T-shirt that says Ego Kills Talent

Vote for justice on the November ballot

Glide my fingers across the piano again

Play some funky music that never ends

Be the best kitty father I can possibly be

Emilio the snuggle buddy sleeping with me

Write more often while being wide awake

Write every day if that’s what it takes

If these dreams and goals sound unrealistic

You’re obviously part of this division

You might as well stand right in my path

Can’t guarantee your safety in the aftermath

You say I can’t do it, I tell you to screw it

You’ve got too much attitude; lose it

This year is mine to grab by the horns

This life is mine, it shall never be torn

Romantic Obligations

***ROMANTIC OBLIGATIONS***

It seems as though every movie you watch or every book you read is required to have at least one romantic subplot. The story can do fine without one, but it’s shoehorned in there anyways because…reasons? Unfortunately, this obligation has reflected in my own writing as well. In Occupy Wrestling, Mitch McLeod HAD to have Debra Winter as his fiancé. In Beautiful Monster, Windham Xavier HAD to have Tarja Rikkinen as his lover (that’ll change soon enough, trust me). In Silent Warrior, Scott George HAD to have Adrienne Simpson has his underage girlfriend (disturbing, I know). And finally, Incelbordination HAD to have a plot where Oswald Crow was pining for a girlfriend (this one actually makes sense since Incel culture is all about the lack of romantic sex).

I don’t want my readers to think that this is me putting the romantic genre on blast. When executed correctly, romances can leave a lasting impression and make the consumer hunger for more. The biggest knock on some of these romances is that they happen too soon or without enough building up. Me? I’ve only had two relationships in my whole life, yet I somehow feel obligated to write romantic subplots in my stories because that’s what the majority wants. I know how ironic that sounds coming from a guy who preaches individuality in his poetry all the fucking time.

While romance is popular among most consumers, I feel like I can finally be free enough to say that it’s not a requirement. No author should be pressured into putting romance in a story that doesn’t need it. Best friends? Maybe. Casual acquaintances? Perhaps. If I had allowed myself such freedom earlier in my career, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache when it came to ratings and judgment from my audience. While I don’t have a definitive consensus on how Demon Axe turned out, I can safely say that the budding romance between Daniel Mercer and Raven Triscloud was one hundred percent unnecessary. They didn’t spend enough time around each other. They criticized each other a lot. How exactly did they deserve a romantic subplot?

My current WIP is the rewriting of Beautiful Monster, which if you remember the first draft had a romance that DEFINITELY had no business being there. Windham Xavier endured a week of rape and he’s expected to jump into a relationship with Tarja Rikkinen? Bullshit, man! What the fuck was I thinking? If that wasn’t bad enough, they had Porn Hub-esque sex early on in the story. Again, what the fuck was I thinking?! So in this new version of Beautiful Monster, Windham and Tarja’s relationship will be mostly platonic. I say mostly because…well…no spoilers! Only Khlav Khalash! Seriously though, Windham and Tarja’s chemistry will be slower than an old lady crossing the street with a pair of bad knees. I should know how slow that is, because my mom had knee surgery two years ago and is still hurting like a motherfucker. Sigh…

After I rewrite Beautiful Monster and try to dub it as the novel that will save my career, I plan on sending all of my first draft novels to Hollow Hills and rewriting those as well. Will they have romantic subplots? I don’t know and I don’t care either way. I’m free from the shackles of other people’s expectations. If they want to fuck, they’ll fuck. If not, then they’ll watch The Price Is Right. I’ll take Rivers and Lakes for $200, Alex. Wait a minute…

If you don’t want romantic subplots for your stories either, that’s cool with me. I’ll read them anyways and enjoy them just the same. Romance can be fun to read about, but it shouldn’t be a necessity for EVERY…SINGLE…STORY! Hollywood does this a lot and their romances suffer because they’ve been executed too soon with little to no true chemistry. In the words of Eminem’s high-pitched voice, “Let’s just be friends!” I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!

***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER PROGRESS***

As of today, I have one prologue and three chapters written. Windham is safe and snug in the shackled confines of Shelly Atwood’s bed. Shelly and Torger had an argument about him being there, which resulted in Shelly grabbing Torger’s groin and squeezing his testicles as hard as she could. Ouch! Chapter four will be told through the point of view of Tarja Rikkinen as she tries to convince Orpheus Rinehart to allow her to retrieve Windham. But first…she has to get through the drooling zombie rednecks known as the Savage Brothers, Christian and Kody. If those aren’t some serious douchey white guy names, I don’t know what else to say.

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I was blue and lonely. I couldn’t sleep a wink. I could only get unconscious if I’d had too much to drink. There was somehow something wrong somewhere. Each day seemed gray and dead. The seeds of desperation were growing in my head. I needed inspiration. A brand new start in life. Somewhere to place affection. But I didn’t want a wife. And then by lucky chance I saw in a special magazine an ad that was unusual, the like I’d never seen. “Experience something different with our new imported toy. She’s loving, warm, inflatable, and a guarantee of joy.” She came all wrapped in cardboard, all pink and shriveled down. A breath of air was all she needed to help her lose that frown. I took her to the bedroom and pumped her with some life. And later in a moment, that girl became my wife. And so I sit her in the corner and sometimes stroke her hair. And when I’m feeling naughty, I blow her up with air. She’s cuddly and she’s bouncy. She’s like a rubber ball. I bounce her in the kitchen and I bounce her in the hall. And now my life is different since Sally came my way. I wake up in the morning and have her on a tray. She’s everything they said she was. I wear a permanent grin. And I only have to worry in case my girl wears thin.”

-The Police reciting poetry from “Be My Girl, Sally”-

***POST-SCRIPT**

Maybe if Windham is getting over his trauma and still feels frisky, he can order his own Sally in the mail and bypass Tarja and Shelly altogether! Come to think of it, I should order a Sally doll too! Hehe!

My Name In Your Mouth

***MY NAME IN YOUR MOUTH***

Before I begin with the body of this blog entry, I want everybody to know that this isn’t aimed at anybody in particular nor is it meant to be an attack in the first place. This is about something that’s been going on in my mind for quite a while now. I’m sure a lot of my writer friends can relate, or at least I hope they do. But anytime somebody mentions me in association with my writing in real life or in a You Tube video…I panic. I get this anxious sensation in the pit of my tummy and my first instinct is to turn around and run away (or cringe if I don’t have an available exit). These people could be saying the nicest, friendliest things about my work, but I’m still Clockwork Oranged into believing it’s worth being nervous about. Why is that?

I’m no stranger to criticism and I’ve had a lot of it in my career. But I’m also at a place in my life where I’ve come to depend on critiques and notes like the mature adult that I am. Although critiques are necessary to any author’s success, it doesn’t make the nervousness go away. In fact, the longer I have to wait for it, the higher the anxiety builds. Yes, I know I sound like a sensitive snowflake with thin skin and a strong need for a safe space. If I could choose to be more durable, I’d be fucking invincible. It never gets easier for me with age and I can’t understand why.

I’ll always remember a time in late 2010 when I wrote music-themed fan fiction and posted it live on Face Book. One of those stories was called “Awake and Alive” and it was about a young man named Junie Fritz, who wanted to break his own shyness by going to a Skillet concert in Seattle and making friends with a cute girl named Shawn Tucker. My brother’s girlfriend at the time Susan (who doesn’t live with us anymore) caught me in the hallway and said, “So I read your story about Junie!” Without missing a beat I wave goodbye to her and try to retreat into my room. Turns out she liked the story and wanted to praise it (despite the fact that Junie rode a fucking ATV to the arena).

Another example of wanting to cringe and/or retreat was Mother’s Day earlier this year, when I gifted my mom a copy of Poison Tongue Tales. She’s one of my biggest fans and wanted to see a sample of what I’ve published, so I gave her that. She was so happy to have it and immediately jumped into the Two-Sentence Horror Stories section. I cringed hard when she read some of those stories out loud, not because of her, but because I was listening to my own writing and I wanted to get the fuck out of there. It’s like I’ve been conditioned into thinking my own writing sucks by the various haters I’ve had over the years.

Still to this day I have that anxious feeling whenever somebody wants to talk about my writing in real life or on You Tube. Sometimes I feel this way whenever it’s in written form. For a guy who’s trying to market myself to the public so that I can get as many book sales as possible, this is quite the barrier. I should WANT to have my name in people’s mouths. I should WANT the free advertising. I should WANT to have the limelight on me 24/7. But I feel tiny every time my writing comes up in conversation.

Sometimes it’s not even a low self-esteem issue. Sometimes I write a personal story in an email or social media post and there’s a certain part of that story that makes me nervous to talk about it. Just the other day, I wrote an email to my mother detailing why I didn’t want to go on dates when I was in middle school. The biggest reason was because my dad was going through nasty shit with his ex-wives at the time, so I didn’t want to pay alimony or child support to another woman (even though I was fucking thirteen). I told mom that I didn’t want to play second fiddle to a girlfriend who would no doubt prevent me from achieving my college dreams. It didn’t help matters that I watched the Millennium episode “A Room with No View” right around that time and saw Lucy Butler get touchy-feely and kissy-kissy with her hostages. Obviously, things have changed since then and if the opportunity presented itself, I’d definitely go on a date with a nice woman. But still, that was quite the revelation for my mother.

So why all the nervousness? Why all the fuss? Why can’t I just put on my suit of armor and deflect bullets like Superman? Why can’t I just…you know…”toughen up”, like a stereotypical male would say in a Skillset Magazine article? Did my mental illnesses make me this way? Am I just a naturally sensitive person? Do I have too much empathy? Does anybody else feel this sense of panic whenever they hear their own writing? Have I really been Clockwork Oranged into believing I suck? What’s going on here? I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying….well, that would be a good time to retreat to your room and lock the door. No mountain climbing until you calm the fuck down.

***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER PROGRESS***

As of today, I’ve written the prologue and first two chapters of this reloaded project. The third chapter will see an argument take place between Torger Manson and Shelly Atwood. Torger wants Shelly to be a businesswoman first and a lover second if she’s going to deny him access to the sex slaves. If you’re not cringing right now, check your pulse. Shelly has already forcibly deflowered Windham, so any conversation she has with Torger about sex will give you the feeling of spiders crawling on your skin. Wish me luck!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Between suicide and all your dirty lies. Are you looking sad for girls? Are you looking bad for sympathy? Between suicide and secrets that you hide. Are you feeling pain like birds? Are you trading pearls for misery? It’s getting hard to say open your eyes. Needles haven’t fixed anything. I guess we’re millions of faces waiting somewhere for somebody else’s place to feel like home. Love is a refuge with fears and doubts. It’s the Jesus on your necklace. Love is a silence to your cry outs. Sleepless hideouts. The cheapest, the fabulous.”

-Your Favorite Enemies singing “Open Your Eyes”-

The Land of Milk and Medication

VERSE 1

Take me by the hand to dreamland

Tell me a story of fantastic glory

Everything is ours for twelve hours

The recesses of my mind are all mine

Give me a reason to greet the season

Give me a tale I can write without fail

I do it for a living, it’s all I am giving

Buy from the hovel of paperback novels

CHORUS

The land of milk and medication

Is where I do my best meditation

From reality I take a vacation

To a brand new mystical destination

VERSE 2

Milk and honey for my cinnamon bunny

Milk and Xanax for my creative annex

Milk and cereal for the morning ethereal

Milk and fudge to give my face a smudge

Every day is Christmas, night is Halloween

Thanksgiving is somewhere in between

No Valentines for the girl I shall pine

No firecrackers from patriotic attackers

CHORUS

The land of milk and medication

Is where I do my best meditation

From reality I take a vacation

To a brand new mystical destination

BRIDGE

When the sun is kissing, something is missing

Is anybody watching? Is anybody listening?

Where will I get today’s creative fuel?

Must keep the mind sharp, it’s my only tool

EXTENDED CHORUS

The land of milk and medication

Is where I do my best meditation

From reality I take a vacation

To a brand new mystical destination

A world of wonder and musical thunder

Realm of magic born from something tragic

Imagination is my favorite medication

Milk and pills still give me the chills

Good Reads Book Tag

***GOOD READS BOOK TAG***

Q: What was the last book you marked as read?

A: “The Golden Bell” by Aurora Styles. I gave four out of five stars to this deliciously dark fairytale.

Q: What are you currently reading?

A: “Catch-22” by Joseph Heller. Actually, I haven’t started it yet, but I will eventually. My dad recommended this one to me since it’s supposed to be relevant to today’s world.

Q: What was the last book you marked as “to be read”?

A: “Eve: The Awakening” by Jenna Moreci. I purchased it on Amazon using a gift card that I won in a Halloween costume contest. I was a member of Slipknot for Halloween.

Q: What book do you plan to read next?
A: A randomly selected graphic novel. I always select my next book at random so that all of them in my collection have an equal chance of being paid attention to. It’s not fair just to read new books all the time. First I select a fictional book, then a graphic novel, then a nonfiction book. And then the cycle repeats itself until I have no more books (yeah, right!).

Q: Do you use the star rating system?

A: I do, but I give the grades my own names. Five stars is Extra Credit, four stars is Pass, three stars is Mixed, two stars is Fail, and one star is Zero Credit.

Q: Are you doing a reading challenge?

A: No. I’m a slow reader and it’s a long time between sessions, so I wouldn’t be able to set those goals for myself.

Q: Do you have a wish list?

A: Yes. These are the items on it:

1. “(Never) Land” by Jenna Streety
2. “A Is For Alibi” by Sue Grafton
3. “Absolute Power” by David Baldacci
4. “Absolutely Remarkable Thing, An” by Hank Green
5. “Adam Copeland on Edge” by Adam Copeland
6. “Adventures of Tanner the Tenacious Terrier, The” by Scott Berry
7. “Aeon Legion: Labyrinth” by J.P. Beaubien
8. “Almost Home” by Damien Echols
9. “Almost Live! The Show That Wouldn’t Die” by Bryan Johnston
10. “Alpha Drive, The” by Kristen Martin
11. “America 51” by Corey Taylor
12. “Apocrypha: The Legend of Babymetal” by The Prophet of the Fox God
13. “Are We There Yet?” by Robert Caprio
14. “Awkward” by Ty Tashiro
15. “Batista Unleashed” by Dave Batista
16. “Batman: The Killing Joke” by Alan Moore
17. “Beastie Boys Book” by Adam Horovitz and Michael Diamond
18. “Beautiful Boy” by David Sheff
19. “Being Jazz” by Jazz Jennings
20. “Best Seat in the House” by Justin Roberts
21. “Blackbirds” by Chuck Wendig
22. “Blacksad” by Juan Diaz Canales
23. “Blood and Water” by Briana Morgan
24. “BloodGifted” by Tima Maria Lacoba
25. “Book of Booty, The” by Big E, Xavier Woods, and Kofi Kingston
26. “Brutal Youth” by Anthony Breznican
27. “Bum Deal, A” by Rufus Hannah
28. “Butters Comes Home” by Claudette Melanson
29. “Can You Ever Forgive Me?” by Lee Israel
30. “Cat Who Could Read Backwards, The” by Lilian Jackson Braun
31. “Clover” by Moxie Darling
32. “Controversy Creates Cash” by Eric Bischoff
33. “Crazy Is My Superpower” by AJ Mendez-Brooks
34. “Crazy Like a Fox” by Liam O’Rourke
35. “Dark Visions” by Jonas Saul
36. “Dead and Kicking” by Lisa Emme
37. “Death and Other Dances” by Carla Harvey
38. “Death Punch’d” by Jeremy Spencer
39. “Deceived” by Brett Battles
40. “Deep Link, The” by Veronica Sicoe
41. “Deer Woman: An Anthology” by Elizabeth Lapensee and Weshoyot Alvitre
42. “Demon Knights, Vols. 1 to 3” by Paul Cornell
43. “Demon Within” by Julie Nicholls
44. “Development Hell: The NXT Story” by Michael Sidgwick
45. “Diary of a Teenage Girl” by Phoebe Gloeckner
46. “Dietland” by Sarai Walker
47. “Disobedience” by Naomi Alderman
48. “Dog’s Purpose, A” by W. Bruce Cameron
49. “Down the Rabbit Hole” by Holly Madison
50. “Dying Machine, A” by Mark Tremonti
51. “Eggshells” by Caitriona Lally
52. “Elysian Prophecy, The” by Vivien Reis
53. “Evalene’s Number” by Bethany Atazadeh
54. “Execution in the Family, An” by Robert Meeropol
55. “Fangirl” by Rainbow Rowell
56. “Feels Like Forever” by K.L. Cottrell
57. “Fifth Season, The” by N.K. Jemisin
58. “First Fruits” by Amanda Carney
59. “First They Killed My Father” by Loung Ung
60. “Four Territories, The” by Steve Collier
61. “From Prison to Promise” by Booker T
62. “Gateway to the Past” by Andy Peloquin
63. “Ghostly Writes Anthology 2016” by Multiple Authors
64. “Girl Out of Water” by Laura Silverman
65. “Girls In White Dresses” by Alex Gates
66. “Glass Castle, The” by Jeannette Walls
67. “Grappler” by Lynn Denton
68. “Gravity Rising” by Evie Driver (2019)
69. “Guardians, The” by Gina Moray
70. “Gun Seller, The” by Hugh Laurie
71. “Happy!” by Grant Morrison
72. “Harmony” by Carolyn Parkhurst
73. “Hate U Give, The” by Angie Thomas
74. “Haunting Hour” by RL Stine
75. “Heart of Thorns” by Bree Barton
76. “Heat Wave” by Richard Castle
77. “Here Comes Trouble” by Michael Moore
78. “Homegrown Democrat” by Garrison Keillor
79. “Hot Blood” series
80. “How Maxwell Grover Stole My House” by C.E. Vance
81. “How Wrestling Should Book Book, The, Vol. 1 and 2” by Adam Blampied
82. “I Am Not a Serial Killer” by Dan Wells
83. “I Am, I Am, I Am” by Maggie O’Farrell
84. “I’ll Be Gone in the Dark” by Michelle McNamara
85. “If They Only Knew” by Chyna
86. “In Search of Us” by Ava Dellaira
87. “In the Presence of Knowing” by Valarie Savage Kinney
88. “In Times of Violence” by Karina Kantas
89. “Jade” by Rose Montague
90. “Journey into Darkness” by Michael Chiappetta
91. “Kayfabe” by Sean Oliver
92. “Killing My Insomnia” by Igor Cavalera
93. “Kind of Like Life” by Christina McMullen
94. “Kiss Quotient, The” by Helen Hoang
95. “Law and Disorder” by Mike Papantonio
96. “Liberal Redneck Manifesto, The” by Trae Crowder, Drew Morgan, and Corey Ryan Forrester
97. “Life of a Children’s Troubadour, The” by Raffi Cavoukian
98. “Lights, Camera, Game Over” by Luke Owen
99. “Lion Called Christian, A” by Anthony Bourke
100. “Little Birds” by Hannah Lee Kidder
101. “Long Hard Road Out of Hell” by Marilyn Manson
102. “Looking at the Lights” by Pete Gas
103. “Looking For Alaska” by John Green
104. “Lost Girls” by Alan Moore
105. “Love Beyond Body, Space, and Time” by Hope Nicholson
106. “Loving Day” by Mat Johnson
107. “Magic Resistant” by Veronica Del Rosa
108. “Magic-Price” by C.L. Schneider
109. “Mapping the Interior” by Stephen Graham Jones
110. “Marco Hietala: Stainless” by Timo Kangasluoma (English)
111. “Mark of the Beast” by Trevor Wooten
112. “Marrow Thieves, The” by Cherie Dimaline
113. “Melabeth the Vampire” by E.B. Hood
114. “Memento Mori” by Muriel Spark
115. “Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life” by James Patterson
116. “More, Now, Again” by Elizabeth Wurtzel
117. “Mouth For War” by Phil Anselmo
118. “My Friend Dahmer” by Derf Backderf
119. “My Life” by David Jason
120. “NCIS: New Orleans: Crossroads” by Jeff Mariotte
121. “New York Trilogy, The” by Paul Auster
122. “No Is a Four-Letter Word” by Chris Jericho
123. “Norma Jean’s School of Witchery, Book One” by Rose Montague
124. “NXT: The Future Is Now” by Jon Robinson
125. “Officer Downe” by Joe Casey
126. “Official Truth 101 Proof” by Rex Brown
127. “Olympian Confessions: Hades and Persephone” by Erin Kinsella
128. “On a LARP” by Stefani Deoul
129. “Once a Crooked Man” by David McCallum
130. “One Left Behind, The: Magic” by Shakyra Dunn
131. “One Snowy Night” by Various Authors
132. “Pale Blue Dot” by Carl Sagan
133. “Pawper to Pedigree” by Angel M.
134. “Perfect Union of Contrary Things, A” by Maynard James Keenan
135. “Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater” by Michael J. Elliott
136. “Playing with Fire” by Lawrence O’Donnell
137. “Pleasure of My Company” by Steve Martin
138. “Pretty Guilty” by K.L. Cottrell
139. “Princess Alexia and the Dragon” by K. Meador
140. “PROX Transmissions, The” by Dustin Bates
141. “Punch Happy” by Lux Alani
142. “Rabbit Joke, The” by Paul White
143. “Red Queen” by Victoria Aveyard
144. “Resfeber” by Kelly Damon
145. “Rise of the Warrior Cop” by Radley Balko
146. “Rise: How a House Built a Family” by Cara Brookins
147. “Road to Jonestown, The” by Jeff Guinn
148. “Robopocalypse” by Daniel Wilson
149. “Roger Waters: The Man Behind the Wall” by Dave Thompson
150. “Room” by Emma Donoghue
151. “Rowdy” by Ariel Toombs and Colton Toombs
152. “Saint Mick” by Mick Foley
153. “Satan Speaks!” by Anton LaVey
154. “Scalped” series by Jason Aaron
155. “Scarlet Woods” by Brooke Passmore
156. “Second Nature” by Ric Flair and Charlotte Flair
157. “Sein Language” by Jerry Seinfeld
158. “Seven Deadly Sins” by Corey Taylor
159. “Sex, Drugs, and Opera” by Roland Orzabal
160. “Shadowlaw” by Brandon Easton
161. “She’s Not Here” by Mandi Lynn
162. “Shit My Dad Says” by Justin Halpern
163. “Silent Bob Speaks” by Kevin Smith
164. “Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda” by Becky Albertalli
165. “Siren Slave” by Aurora Styles
166. “Slobberknocker” by Jim Ross
167. “Soul of It All” by Michael Bolton
168. “Springfield Confidential” by Mike Reiss
169. “Squared Circle” by David Shoemaker
170. “Squirm” by Carl Hiaasen
171. “Stolen” by Lucy Christopher
172. “Story Genius” by Lisa Cron
173. “Story of the Streets, The” by Mike Skinner
174. “Sweet Vengeance” by Aliya DalRae
175. “Sword of Ruyn” by R.G. Long
176. “Sword of Shannara, The” by Terry Brooks
177. “System of a Down: Right Here in Hollywood” by Ben Myers
178. “Take the Cannoli” by Sarah Vowell
179. “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before” by Jenny Han
180. “To Nowhere” by C.E. Wilson
181. “Toast” by Adam Blampied
182. “Tome of the Undergates” by Sam Sykes
183. “Toxic Avenger, The” by Lloyd Kaufman
184. “Tricked” by Alex Robinson
185. “True Fiction” by Lee Goldberg
186. “Turtles All the Way Down” by John Green
187. “Undertaker” by Chad Dundas
188. “Upside of Unrequited, The” by Becky Albertalli
189. “VG Heroes” by Jason Delfino and Carlos Malbrew
190. “Walking a Golden Mile” by William Regal
191. “Way of Spears” by Natalia Leigh
192. “What If It’s Us?” by Becky Albertalli and Adam Silvera
193. “Why Young Men” by Jamil Jivani
194. “Win By Submission” by Melynda Price
195. “Worlds with Ruby” by CP Cabaniss
196. “Worst Person in the World” by Keith Olbermann
197. “Y: The Last Man” by Brian K. Vaughan
198. “Yaqui Delgado Wants to Kick Your Ass” by Meg Medina
199. “Yummy” by Greg Neri

Q: What book do you plan to buy next?
A: “Little Birds” by Hannah Lee Kidder. She’s an absolute joy to watch on You Tube whether she’s giving writing advice, doing book tags, or reviewing bad movies.

Q: Do you have any favorite quotes?

A: “In Joe Pickett’s experience, the man who talked the most had the least to say.” That’s from “Open Season” by CJ Box.

Q: Who are your favorite authors?

A: Jenna Moreci, Stephen Chbosky, Susan Cain, Carl Hiaasen, Lilian Jackson Braun, and Brett Battles to name a few.

Q: Have you joined any groups?

A: The only one I’m currently a part of is Weekly Short Story Contests and Company.  Every week, there’s a friendly competition to see who wrote the best short story or poem based on a one or two-word prompt. No prizes, it’s just for motivation and fun. Some of my best writing was produced in this group and I’m thankful to have been a part of the WSS as it’s called.

I tag…anybody who feels like doing this. I won’t pull a gun on you or anything like that. Hell, you might not even have a Good Reads account.

Beautiful Monster Announcement

***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER ANNOUNCEMENT***

Good evening, everybody. I hope things are going well for you all. I only have one more chapter of Incelbordination left to write and then it’s on to new horizons. I’ve been deliberately putting off writing these chapters because I needed something to submit to the WSS every week. I know joining the WSS contests isn’t a requirement, but I still want to play a huge role in the group that changed my life in so many ways. Once Incelbordination is over, I’ll need a new project. For the public eye, that project will be unofficial additions to Poison Tongue Tales 2, my collection of sci-fi, fantasy, and horror short stories.

The third draft of Beautiful Monster, on the other hand, will have to be written privately. I have aspirations of publishing this novel through Hollow Hills Books, LLC, the company owned by my wonderful beta reader Marie Krepps and her longtime business partner Aurora Styles. Part of the conditions for publishing with them is that I can’t publish it anywhere else and that includes social media. They’re a business and they have to make money somehow, so I understand that. I don’t begrudge them for that and neither should any of you. Publishing with Hollow Hills will be a good move for me since they’re better at marketing books than I am. They also do formatting, book covers, and of course, critiquing and editing.

Though I can’t post any of the new chapters on social media, I can let you all know what some of the changes are going to be. For starters, Tarja Rikkinen and Windham Xavier’s relationship will be mostly platonic and any romantic movements will be slow and steady. This means Tarja will actually respect Windham’s personal boundaries instead of prodding him with nosy questions and trying to seduce him into doing something he doesn’t want to do.

Another change is that Windham won’t be a loose cannon at any point in the story. On the contrary, he will never raise his voice when he speaks even during angry moments, which makes him more intimidating to fight against, actually. He’s also going to refrain from swearing unless he’s quoting other people. When the one moment happens where he yells and swears, it’ll be special to read about and it won’t seem forced.

Names will also be changed. Instead of being called Michelle Xavier (a plain and boring first name), Windham’s queen sister will be called Llewellyn. Instead of Paladin Cross (an honorable and righteous name), the mercenary outfit that employs Windham and Tarja will be called Shadow Asylum. Instead of being a nameless city, Shadow Asylum’s headquarters will be located in an urban sprawl called Morgan Town. Instead of being a nameless client, Orpheus will be employed by a gigantic king named Lars Stonewall, who despises Shelly Atwood for her sex trafficking business.

That’s another thing that needs to change: the evil characters need reasons for being evil. For Shelly’s sex trafficking and Orpheus’s mercenary guild, it’s not personal, it’s business. Money talks, bullshit walks. Profits before people. Ninety percent of the wealth is in ten percent of the population. Who cares if it disenfranchises the poor? While some people might find this mindset to be agreeable, I don’t. Income inequality brought on by shady business practices is one of my berserk buttons.

Instead of just twenty chapters, the new version of Beautiful Monster will have twenty-eight, counting a prologue and epilogue to bookend those chapters. This means there will be more action and less easy victories for the heroes, now that I have more space to work with. This also means there will be more room for back-stories, subplots, and hobbies for characters to enjoy. Everything happens for a reason and those reasons will be made clear in this new version.

Instead of wearing trench coats and heavy armor, Shadow Asylum members will wear red tunics with the company’s logo on the chest and black baggy pants. Trench coats can be yanked on during combat and can give an opponent an easy advantage. Heavy armor will weigh the mercenaries down when they try to get a cheap shot in on their foes.

Instead of psychedelic mushrooms that make him act like a loony toon, Windham will consume medicinal leaves to calm his mind down. These leaves are the medieval equivalent of Xanax in the modern world. I was going to have Windham undergo EMDR as a supplement to eating leaves, but that wouldn’t exist in medieval times (even with the liberties I plan on taking).

Last but not least, everybody will have unique speech patterns instead of screaming and cursing at everything. I’ve already mentioned that Windham won’t raise his voice or swear and the same will be said for Llewellyn. Kody and Christian Savage won’t even have dialogue; they’ll just grunt and make animal sounds, which makes them even creepier than they originally were. Orpheus Rinehart will still talk like a medieval version of Alex Jones. Shelly Atwood will still speak like a high class lady in her seductive tone. Am I leaving anybody out?

If you want to get an early start on Beautiful Monster, be sure to pick up a copy of the Still Standing anthology by Hollow Hills when it comes out on December 14^th. The anthology includes a prequel to Beautiful Monster called Savage Beatings, a story that chronicles Windham’s early days in Shadow Asylum. The other stories in that anthology are awesome to read as well, including works by Marie Krepps, Aurora Styles, Larry Fort (psychology major), and David Quesenberry (poet). One hundred percent of the proceeds will be donated to the Crisis Text Line, which is appropriate considering the theme of the book is anti-bullying phenomena. The combination of the worthy cause and lovable reads make Still Standing a must-buy for the holiday season (and every season after that).

I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I’ve been cast out, sequestered, and pushed the fuck around. Blindsided, beaten, locked up, and bound. Always thought I was human, but maybe I was wrong. Been treated like an animal since the day I was born. The wounds that I wear are like a crown upon a king. So heavy they lie with all the pain that they bring. My life is full of longing, but for what I’ll never know. I’ve been drawn into the fire as I reap what I sow. The ruler of a kingdom that ends up the pawn. So tired of thinking of where it all went wrong. Friendships, they come and go and sometimes they end. Wouldn’t dream in a million years that this would be one of them. Faith in the life, belief in the end. Failure’s not an option, but the options exist. I gave up on everything; I gave ‘til I bleed. Take it all, take everything, just take it from me! You’re pushing me, I’m pushing back. Falling down my heart attacks. Compassion is lost. No more hope, no more trust. I tore it down and burned it up. All faith is gone. Respect. Devotion. Dead. Disgust. Hate. Lies. I’m not a hero or a villain. Not a god, I’m just a man. Staring through the hourglass and the footprints in the sand. I’m stripping off my armor. My battles here are done. Wave my white flag to surrender and fly into the sun. Like a moth to a flame, my wings burn away. When things are too beautiful, I smash them to pieces. The more that you love me, insecurity releases. I’ll be the one that’s to blame. So I’ll sell my soul to blaze like a moth to a flame.”

-Hellyeah singing “Moth”-

Why I Love the Author Community

***WHY I LOVE THE AUTHOR COMMUNITY***

I saw so many indie authors online from Jenna Moreci to Hannah Lee Kidder discussing this topic and I thought I should throw my name into the hat. I have a lot to be grateful for when it comes to my writing career and one of those things is the company I keep. The first thing people will tell you is that the author community is like one big family and the stigma about competitiveness is just that: a stigma that needs to be erased. Or as Red Green always says, “I’m pulling for you. We’re all in this together.” I agree with this philosophy one hundred percent. It takes a village to write a novel, whether your villagers are beta readers, editors, audience members, or otherwise.

I must confess that it took a long time for me to allow the author community into my life. When I first started creative writing as a sixteen year old, I had a massive ego and a chip on my shoulder the size of Texas. My filter for constructive or hurtful criticism was so strong that anybody who gave it to me was met with derision. I remember one night in Spokane, Washington in the fall of 2001 where I attended INCON, a sci-fi, fantasy, and anime convention. One of the feature attractions was having a piece of writing critiqued by five different professional authors. After the second one had her turn, I stormed out of the room and spent the rest of my evening crying my fucking eyeballs out. Were the authors using kid gloves? Not at all. But did that mean I had nothing to learn from them? Also a resounding no.

I took this egotistical attitude with me everywhere I went whether it was online or in college. I took my first creative writing class in 2004, though big ego or not, that class was deeply flawed judging from how much leniency was shown towards nasty critics. It got so bad that I wrote a poem about one of my classmates and told him that he looked like Frodo Baggins and that I wanted to impregnate his mother. I will admit that this gave me the confidence I needed to write poetry, but still, all that rage over a “You suck” comment? Ugh…

I would go on to take many more creative writing classes at Western Washington University and just like before, my ego got in the way of a true education. I remember one teacher I had who labeled my use of swear words as “hate speech” and told me I also wasn’t allowed to have gratuitous violence in my stories. What set me off wasn’t that alone, but the fact that I still got a C in her class despite adhering to her rules. My ego got bigger and my walls got higher. It would take a bloody miracle for me to let people in.

Fast forward to the year 2013, where I wanted to embark on an indie author career, but didn’t have anybody to critique my writing. I must have driven all of those people away, but it’s true, if you go long enough without criticism, you’ll be desperate for it when the gatekeepers lock you out. I caved and went to a group on Good Reads affectionately called the WSS (Weekly Short Stories Contest and Company). I’m still a member of that group today. I would enter a short story or novel chapter into the weekly contests, just like the name suggested…and the critiques I received were a complete one-eighty from a lifetime of seething anger.

Everybody was so nice to me that little by little, my walls started to strip away and it was easier to let people in. I got more of an education in this group than I did in school. You can teach people how to show instead of tell, how to keep one narrator, how to use colorful descriptions, how to not pull the trigger too soon when it comes to the climax, and how to make your characters overcome great adversity. People with massive egos never learn these things because they believe in their hearts they’re already good enough. The more you realize how imperfect you are, the more likely you are to improve. Thank you, WSS, for stripping away my oversized ego with your kindness and love.

From that moment, I would go on to meet many wonderful indie authors whom I can learn from and depend on when things get rough. I can’t say enough positive things about Ashley Uzzell/Marie Krepps. She’s honest, she’s funny as hell, she’s wise beyond her years, and she backs it all up with her kick-ass stories. Aurora Styles is every bit as wonderful as her Hollow Hills cohort with her own sense of humor, her own literary wisdom, and her own terrifically-written prose. Jenna Moreci uploads You Tube videos every so often dishing out sagely wisdom of her own whether the topic is writing or marketing. Hannah Lee Kidder is also a You Tuber who’s fun to watch when it comes to giving the world thoughtful advice. Patrick Doran’s cheerful Deviant Art comments give me the fuel I need to carry on during moments of exhaustion. If I’ve left anybody out, I swear it’s an accident. Thank you, writing community, for being my rock and not letting my head over-inflate.

I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I’ve been alone. Felt abandoned at times. Given into the fall. I can’t forget what it’s like. When I felt numb and so hollow inside, you carried me through it all across the divide. I’ve been lost. Felt ruined inside. Watched it all crumble in the blink of an eye. You were strong and so hopeful inside. Saved this fallen one when I wanted to die. And when I went through it all, you gave me your heart. I learned to forgive. And when I come through it all, I know you’re the one I’ll never forget.”

-Device singing “Through It All”-