***”WHAT I’M NOT” OFFICIALLY CANCELED***
It’s not often than I scrub a piece of creative writing I
did off the face of the internet. The last time I did it was in 2014 with a
PG-13 erotica short story called Tainted Love. Six days after my 29th
birthday, this stinker managed to piss off the entire world with the way I
objectified the lone female character and glorified her Stockholm Syndrome. I
own that black eye on my track record and promise never to do those horrible
things again. So what could I have possibly written this time that would
deserve such a thorough cleansing from the web? I’ll tell you what it was: the
first and final episode of What I’m Not.
I’ve had the idea for What I’m Not for as long as I’ve been
fantasizing about having a You Tube channel. Many of my closest friends
encouraged me to do my own You Tube project and I’ve been hesitant to give it a
try, for fear that the ungodly amount of stress would send me into a
schizophrenic hell all over again. But let’s say for instance that I had the
guts to bare my soul to the world in front of a phone camera. What I’m Not was
supposed to be a vlog series detailing all of my worst mistakes as a
semi-professional author. In other words, it was a cautionary tale to rookies
to not fuck up as badly as I did. I made the mistakes so nobody else would have
to.
In theory, this would actually be a good idea. I don’t have
much in the way of writing expertise except for what not to do. I still can’t
craft a 3D character worth a damn. I still don’t know what the fuck a
“character-driven story” is. What I’m Not would have been a comedic and
lighthearted look into my worst decisions. So when I wrote the first episode,
which was about admitting unemployment to strangers, audience members, and
bosses, I decided to have a little fun and pepper in some jokes here and there.
I was so excited to have this episode written that I didn’t even proofread the
damn thing before posting it. That in and of itself would have made a fine idea
for a What I’m Not episode.
When I finally read what I had written (twice), I was frozen
with horror. There’s no way in hell writing this awful could have come from my
imagination. I’m not even talking about first draft standards, because let’s
face it, all first drafts by their very nature suck. This episode was by far,
no exaggeration, the WORST thing I had ever written. It was so bad, in fact,
that I scrubbed it from the internet before it had the chance to be critiqued.
At least with the first draft of Beautiful Monster, it had potential despite
the glaring flaws in the way I handled the subject of rape. At least with the
first draft of Silent Warrior, it was…well…something! This episode of What I’m
Not was a disaster from the get-go. It had no such potential. My big fat ass
cat Oswald could have written a better episode than this and all he does is lie
around and piss himself while waiting to die.
The tone of this episode could only be described as a whiny
rant. I whined about my job hunting past. I whined about classism in dating. I
ranted against people who were just trying to be nice and make small talk with
me. All of this was supposed to be done in a comedic tone, but trust me when I
say there was nothing funny about what I had written. A burning orphanage is
funnier than this. Childhood cancer is funnier than the garbage I had written.
Lily Singh’s “comedy” is funnier than…eh, you get the point by now. Wouldn’t
want this blog entry to be a whining mess either, so I’ll quit while I’m ahead.
After I had wiped this episode from my social media pages
and taken a few deep breaths to chill my anxiety, I questioned whether or not
future episodes of What I’m Not would be just as bad as this one was. Fearing
the answer might be an emphatic “fuck yes”, I decided going forward that the
What I’m Not series had to be permanently canceled. I’m sure there’s a market
for advice on what not to do as a writer, but I’m not the salesman. Not
anymore. But did these episodes have to be funny? In my mind, they did, because
that was the only thing they had going for them. If I tried to make the
episodes serious, it would have sounded even whinier than before.
While my social media accounts have a small audience, You
Tube would have had a lot more eyes on it. Can you imagine if I translated my
writing into a video and a gajillion people saw it? I consider myself fortunate
that I can toe the line between a private citizen and an internet personality.
This is not a microscope I want to find myself under. This is not a hill I want
to die on. If I ever decide to do a nonfiction series again, I’ll need a
different topic and it’ll have to be a topic that doesn’t require a comedic
edge. I can be funny from time to time, but not all the time. I don’t have the
charisma to keep my funny streak going forever and ever. Drama is much easier
than comedy, but whining will not be tolerated.
Will I ever create a You Tube channel given that What I’m
Not turned out to be a dud? I think I’m more comfortable writing my nonfiction
out instead of being in front of a camera. Yes, I know that staying in the
comfort zone is supposed to be a bad thing, but then again, so is falling so
badly on my ass that I can’t recover. My You Tube audience wouldn’t have let me
hear the end of it. At least on Deviant Art, Good Reads, and Blogger, I don’t
have to worry about supreme failure, because the audience for those platforms
is smaller. But a small audience won’t bring me a great deal of success. Then
again, success doesn’t always amount to fame and fortune. Everyone’s idea of
success is different and sometimes it doesn’t mean being glared at under the
world’s most powerful electron microscope.
If this blog entry sounds too whiny to keep my message
consistent, I apologize profusely. I don’t know who was really looking forward
to the What I’m Not series, but it’s been officially canceled as of now. My
main priorities at the moment will be editing Beautiful Monster, reading my
books, drawing my pictures, and watching my movies. Drawing and movie watching
in particular are both excellent ways to get away from the writing grind and
restore some of my lost energy. Sure, I write reviews for every movie I watch
(Star Wars Episodes VII-IX be damned), but at least I have the energy to do
those by the time the movie is over. Funny how that works out. As far as Beautiful
Monster is concerned, I still have chapter seven staring me in the face, but
that’s okay because it’s not a time sensitive project. Editing jobs aren’t
supposed to be. Slow and steady wins the race. I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next
time, try to enjoy the daylight!
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“I want to go home, take off this uniform, and leave the
show. But I’m waiting in this cell, because I have to know: have I been guilty
all this time?”
-Pink Floyd singing “Stop”-
