Tiger Uppercut

VERSE 1

Striking a nerve like a glockenspiel

Is not how the world is supposed to heal

Of course it matters how your audience feels

They’re the ones who pay for your meals

They didn’t pay to see you spin your wheels

Shouting slurs with a Klansman’s zeal

Bigotry and anger weren’t part of the deal

Your jokes are older than slipping on a peel

CHORUS 1

Tiger uppercut to the billionaire giants

Sho-ryu-ken to the fascist tyrants

Machinegun punches to the royal crown

Punch all the way up, not all the way down

VERSE 2

You’re not dead yet, got millions of dollars

And an army of defenders who hoot and holler

They’re the Twitter trolls and radio callers

Your ego gets bigger, but your dick gets smaller

CHORUS 2

Tiger uppercut to the cardinals and popes

Sho-ryu-ken to abusers of bad jokes

Machinegun punches for the evil frowns

Punch all the way up, not all the way down

VERSE 3

You’ve never experienced living on the streets

You’ve never had to worry about when you’ll eat

You’ve never had a cop pound your face like meat

You’ve never been your uncle’s favorite tasty treat

Not all of your victims have a dinner table seat

Think about that when you’re feeling the heat

They’re not chewed gum stuck underneath your feet

They have their own dreams, march to their own beat

CHORUS 3

Tiger uppercut for the ones with bullwhips

Sho-ryu-ken for the sellers of bullshit

Machinegun punches for conspiracy clowns

Punch all the way up, not all the way down

Flash kick for the gods who rule from the sky

Spinning bird kick when they refuse to die

Rising dragon kick with a Bruce Lee sound

Kick all the way up, not all the way down

Don't Be a People Pleaser

***DON’T BE A PEOPLE PLEASER***

Yesterday evening, I had to republish four of my books to accommodate for the fact that I removed copyrighted lyrics from them. Even little insignificant snippets of lyrics are enough to violate copyright laws and get an author into hot water. I personally think it’s a bit ridiculous for a music corporation to sue an author for millions of dollars over one line of text, but it is what it is and I had to play by the rules. Copyrighted lyrics have now been eradicated from my entire catalogue. But that’s not why we’re gathered here today, my dearly beloveds, no, no, no, no, no. We’re here to talk about what else was in those books that could be potentially damaging, not in a legal way, but in a social way.

My very first collection of poetry, Confessions of a Schizophrenic Savage, has an Eric Clapton parody called “Retarded Tonight”. I wrote it through the perspective of people who see me as a cartoon character and nothing more. And when you’re a cartoon character, everything about you is hammed up to the extreme. While my poem wasn’t meant to be an attack on mentally disabled people, I can understand if people see it that way and get angry afterwards.

In my second book of poetry, Necrograph, there’s a parody song called “Texas”. On the surface it seems like stereotyping and mockery, but I only wanted to call out people who are so far on the fringe that they become parodies of themselves. Not everyone from Texas acts that way. Not everyone from any other geographic location acts that way either. Pantera is from Texas. Nothing More is from Texas. My favorite indie authors, Christina McMullen, K.L. Cottrell, and Markie Madden, are also from Texas. Quite frankly, I could have changed the name to Fringe Toast and it wouldn’t generate as much controversy. But at the same time, I empathize with people who would be upset by this song.

I’m sure there are other examples in my books of stories and poems I should apologize for. That’s what you have to remember as you go through life as an author: if you unintentionally hurt people, apologize profusely and make peace. It’s a classy move that’s good for all parties. But at the same time, you don’t want to change so much of your approach to creativity that you lose your individuality. I considered removing some of my more offensive material from my books, but if I did that, I’d have no books. Art is subjective. One man’s trash is the next man’s treasure. If you please one person, another gets upset. Bottom line: you can be a warmhearted public figure, but you can’t please everyone. If you try, your work will become so bland that the whole world will hate it.

And that’s why we’re gathered here today, my dearly beloveds. It’s a cautionary tale not to be a people pleaser. Yes, the criticism you receive will hurt badly at times, but the love you receive from others is also valid. The negativity bias and low self-esteem is why some authors become people pleasers. Peace is comfortable. Agreeability is also comfortable. But being TOO comfortable in your own bubble doesn’t allow for personal growth or a courageous reputation. Sometimes you have to be just a little bit offensive in order to get noticed. You don’t have to go full Milo Yiannopoulos, and really, you shouldn’t even consider it, but just be controversial enough that you have a message.

Think of all of your favorite musicians, artists, and writers and how they too dared to be offensive in the face of adversity. What if Marilyn Manson was a people pleaser? What if Roger Waters cared too much what his brutal teachers thought of him? What if George Carlin toned himself down and never got in hot water with the FCC? That would make for a pretty bland world, wouldn’t you agree? Everybody would be wearing the same putty-faced masks Roger Waters introduced in the movie Pink Floyd the Wall. Nobody would laugh at George Carlin. Nobody would have the courage to be themselves if Marilyn Manson didn’t have the courage to be himself.

At the same time, you don’t want to be like a pizza cutter: all edge and no point. Roger Waters, George Carlin, and Marilyn Manson at least had a profound message in their performances. If you write a book with nothing but racial slurs and R-word implications throughout, you probably deserve the wrath of the online mob. Have a purpose. Have something to say even if it’s not the most profound message in the galaxy. Yes, you can write strictly for fun, but if you’re being offensive just for the sake of being offensive and you have nothing to back yourself up, then enjoy your one and two-star reviews, my friend.

Going back to my point about how “Texas” was about fringe people, you also don’t want to be on the fringe when it comes to the people-pleasing/edgy-jerkwad spectrum. A nice, healthy middle ground is what you should look for. If you can’t find it or it’s obvious that you’re not trying to look for it, your audience will notice. They noticed it with books like “Trigger Warning” by William Johnstone. They noticed it with that Dr. Pepper 10 commercial where they say, “It’s not for women.” While it is true that art ages poorly sometimes, it shouldn’t take such a short or instantaneous amount of time to do so.

Be yourself no matter what they say. Some people will like it, some people won’t. In the end, it’s up to you which battles are worth fighting and which ones aren’t. Know when to open fire and know when to lay down your arms with your hands in the sky. It takes practice to do this, but with a little wisdom and a little input from those you love, you can do it. I know you can. Let’s be artists together! I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight!


***LOST WITHOUT YOU***

I’ve talked about this story idea on Face Book and a little bit on Twitter, but not everywhere else. Because I’ve fallen in love with the fan fiction genre after writing “A Little Bit Off” and “No Country For Old Farts”, I want to keep the spirit alive with a story called “Lost Without You”. It’s a Super Street Fighter II based fan fiction and it’ll feature a lesbian romance between Chun Li and Cammy. No, it won’t resemble something you’d see on Porn Hub. The romance will be written in a classy way with three-dimensional character work. I may be offensive sometimes, but I’m not THAT offensive, especially when I know the implications of what could go wrong if I whiff this story. Wish me luck!


***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER***

After a month-long vacation from my editing job, I’ve finally tightened the prose for chapters 14 and 15. It was an easy edit, but not all chapters will be like that, so I tread slowly to make sure I don’t overwhelm myself. Next on the chopping block is chapter 16, where Windham rents a hotel room in Morgan Town and eats hallucinogenic leaves, prompting a conversation between himself and his leonine deity Mageta. Windham may be a misguided zealot sometimes, but Mageta will always provide him with good points. I do so love good conversation even if it’s with a hallucination.


***QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I’m not a prophet. I was off by 490 years.”

-Mike Judge talking about “Idiocracy”-


***POST-SCRIPT***

Mike Judge is definitely not a people pleaser and he carved out a nice, long, healthy career for himself. I don’t agree with every single one of his views, but I agree that Idiocracy was a fucking awesome movie. Funny as hell!

Not Reading Your Own Reviews

***NOT READING YOUR OWN REVIEWS***

If you’re an author or creator of any kind, there’s one universal fact that you’ll have to blindly accept right off the bat: you will have critics, you will have bad reviews, and there’s nothing you can do about it other than keep on keeping on. It took me a LONG ass time to accept this, but I’m in a better position in my life because I did. Everyone in your audience has a unique point of view and that’s the way it should be. You don’t get to be a ruthless North Korean dictator just because you have sensitive feelings. But having said all of this, while you’re required to accept the fact you will be criticized, you are NOT obligated to read your own negative reviews.

That’s not the same thing as accepting feedback from your inner circle. Beta readers and editors are there for the sole purpose of giving you constructive feedback and advice on how to fix your manuscript’s worst flaws. You should welcome these people into your life because that’s how you get better as a writer. But reviewers are an entirely different animal altogether. Once your book is published, all bets are off. Reviewers are not obligated to be kind or constructive. Their job is to give an honest opinion of the work in question, nothing more, nothing less. Reviews are not written for the benefit of the author. They’re for the benefit of future readers, whether it’s advice to stay away from the published work or gravitate towards it en masse.

But just because someone is entitled to their negative opinion of you and your work, it doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to read what they have to say. That should be reserved for the beta readers and editors. Getting negative reviews is stressful. I know this because I’ve gotten a few of them myself (surprise, surprise) and haven’t brought myself to read what they actually say. You could argue that I’m a special little snowflake who gets easily hurt and you’d be right in that regard. Having a litany of mental health issues weakens my defenses when it comes to receiving harsh words. I want desperately to be a superhuman badass in the face of adversity, but I don’t get to have that choice. It seems as though every one of my author friends is secretly Superman or Wonder Woman, but I forget that they too have bad days when it comes to criticism. The only difference is, they have the ability to endure more than I can and it shows in their marketing schemes.

I’ve been watching a lot of Book Tube lately and had a nice little marketing strategy in mind: sending copies of my already published books to them and having them make videos about their honest opinions. I enjoy watching creators like Krimson Rogue, Rachel Oates, and Jordan Harvey work their magic. They’re entertaining, they’re thoughtful, they’re wise, and they’re the perfect candidates for reviewing my books, right? Well, that’s where my overactive, anxious imagination comes into play. I’ve played out tear-jerking scenarios in my head where these Book Tubers create videos bashing the shit out of my works and sending their viewers over to my social media to mob me out of existence. I know full well they’re not mean people. In fact, most of them don’t believe in cancel culture. But the thoughts have crossed my mind nonetheless and they’re maddening.

If they hypothetically were to give my books negative reviews, it’s not like they’d be entirely wrong in their opinions. Over the past decade, I’ve written some disgusting, nasty, overbearing shit and it’s only a matter of time before someone’s head explodes from reading it all. It could be Mitch McLeod coming off as a Gary-Stu. It could be me having a laugh at the expense of people from the south. Hell, one scenario I’ve imagined (but not realized yet) is Krimson Rogue jokingly calling one of my poetry books Confessions of a Schizophrenic Misogynist. For Christ’s sake, the book starts off by saying, “True blue, I don’t need a 62, your wife’s sweet juices will just have to do.” I don’t want to say that’s a red flag, but…well, it’s a red flag. A BIG fucking red flag.

Yes, my writing career has stagnated due to my lack of marketing prowess. Yes, I know what I need to do to fix that. But am I prepared for the consequences of doing so? Far from it. I’ve been mobbed online before and it’s not fun. Hell, I’ve gotten sad and angry when the harsh criticism was delivered in a gentle way. Like I said, I long for the day when I can be an ultra-tough superman, but I also know that day is never going to come, not in my condition. I firmly believe mental toughness is something you’re born with. Sure, you could sign up for the army and grow accustomed to having a drill instructor scream in your face 24/7, but if you’re not already mentally tough, that won’t build you up; it’ll knock your ass down for the count. I was born sensitive and I’ll take that to the grave with me several decades down the line.

So…if I were to follow through with my plan to allow Book Tubers to review what I’ve got and give an honest opinion, I should include one condition to the deal: that no matter how offensive the content is, we will still be friends. I’ll gladly agree to my end of that deal. If they give me one and two-star reviews, I will still think of them as my favorite friends. But will they feel the same about me? Yes, I consider some of these Book Tubers to be friends despite not knowing them well enough. Maybe I’m just a fan of their work and don’t want to be cast down by my own heroes. Maybe this condition isn’t necessary at all. But no matter if I include this provision or not, I still remain firm in my belief that reading my own reviews and watching my own response videos will only do more harm than good. Yes, I’d get the exposure I need, but like I said earlier, reviews are not for authors; they are for other readers. True critiques will come from your beta readers and editors. Hannah Lee Kidder, the author of Little Birds, agrees wholeheartedly with me and she’s more successful than I am at the moment, so if you can’t take my word for it, take hers.

If you want a copy of any of my books and you want to give an honest review of it, don’t be afraid to reach out to me. Your opinion matters. Nobody can take that away from you. Here’s my bibliography:

1. Occupy Wrestling (pro-wrestling urban fantasy novella)
2. American Darkness (contemporary micro-fiction collection)
3. Poison Tongue Tales (sci-fi, fantasy, and horror micro-fiction collection)
4. Confessions of a Schizophrenic Savage (poetry and songs)
5. Necrograph (more poetry and songs)
6. Lunatic Justice (even more poetry and songs)
7. Still Standing (anti-bullying anthology alongside other authors)

Which one of you wants a nice reading adventure? I’m all ears! I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight!

***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER PROGRESS***

It’s been a long time in between edit jobs, but as of today, I’ve completed a chapter-by-chapter synopsis, a prologue, and six opening chapters. Chapter seven will be the one where Shelly Atwood and one of her minions give Windham Xavier a bath. What could be so exciting about that, you ask? First of all, as I’ve already established, Shelly Atwood has no business touching Windham on any part of this body, much less when he’s butt naked in bath water. Eventually, he’s going to have to make a break for it. And he just fucking might!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“This world asks for so much. Despite what you give, it’s just never enough. Then you’re left cold, tired, and alone. Searching for something that’s already gone. You try not to be afraid. Bound down by all of these things that they say. And you feel like you’re all by yourself. But I’ll be right here when there’s nothing left. Your fears, they know that you’re scared. Wherever you go, they seem to meet you there. And you face them all on your own. Never the weak, always the strong. And you win most of the time. Never once claiming that victory’s mine. And you carry this burden alone. But this candle’s burned at both ends for so long. Lay down. Rest here in peace in my arms now knowing you’re safe from the storms and the rain and from all of your pain. And I’ll be here when only the silence remains.”

-3 Doors Down singing “The Silence Remains”-

It's Only Offensive When I Do It

It’s only offensive when I have a crush

I’m the only one with a reverse Midas touch

It’s only offensive when I crack a joke

It’s only funny when my dreams go up in smoke

It’s only offensive when I seek out friends

Rejection and turmoil never seem to end

It’s only offensive when I write my lines

I’m the only one worthy of a hundred dollar fine

Nothing about my lonely life is ordinary

The blood on my hands is not sanitary

I don’t look like you, I don’t talk like you

I’m the only one with a shit-load to prove

It’s only offensive when I take a stand

My painful screams echo across the land

It doesn’t matter anyways, nobody hears me

Everybody in this world fucking fears me

I’m a walking weapon of mass destruction

Who’s in desperate need of liposuction

Never once mastered the art of seduction

Never once needed a proper introduction

I sold my soul to the devil, the underworld level

My favorite escape is hard rock and heavy metal

I don’t need to contribute to your society

I’ll keep building my dreams ever so quietly

It’s only offensive when I’m the one who does it

So offensive it brings the world to destruction

Socially awkward is the name of my game

Everything else would be too fucking tame

I Didn't Know It Was Wrong

***I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS WRONG***

In addition to being a cardboard sign in Seether’s music video for “Fine Again”, you can also say the title of this journal whenever you create a piece of art that was unintentionally offensive. I can’t stress the word unintentionally enough. Sometimes all you want is to create a loving romance between two people and their relationship becomes hypersexual. Sometimes you want to show off the fighting abilities of a barbarian tribe from another culture, but they end up looking like stereotypes. Surely, you weren’t trying to be offensive, but that’s how it came across anyways, through no fault of your own. All together now…

I didn’t know it was wrong!

Yes, this is a reasonable defense against charges of unintentional bigotry, but there will always be that one smart ass who smashes you over the head with a hardcover book and then says…

Sorry, I didn’t know it was wrong!

You’re damn right it’s wrong! That’s assault, you moron! It carries a prison term of at least seven years! How about we save the phrase for people who actually need it? Wes Anderson, the writer and director of Isle of Dogs, could easily use this phrase and get away with it. As a white guy from Texas, his depiction of Japanese culture was frowned upon even though it didn’t deserve to be. There was nothing inherently offensive about it, at least not compared to Dick Tracy cartoons from the 1960’s where Joe Jitsu comes across as ultra-stereotypical (in case his name wasn’t obvious enough). Hey, Wes! Say it with me!

I didn’t know it was wrong!

I wish I knew this phrase when I was writing offensive shit back in the day. It could have helped me when I wrote a pornographic parody of “Stole” by Kelly Rowland. It could have helped me when I was swashbuckling with teenagers after they read “Class of ‘13”. It might have even helped me when I was writing the super-violent Zeromancer for my second multi-genre writing class in college. None of these scenarios would have been a cheap escape if I used that phrase, because I legitimately didn’t know they were offensive reads. I don’t know if I chalk it all up to being young and immature, growing up in Chehalis, watching TV-MA rated shows and not processing them correctly, but say it with me…

I didn’t know it was wrong!

You know what else I didn’t know was wrong? Incorporating a trope called the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. It’s a literary pejorative for any supporting female character whose main role in the story is to boost the self-esteem of the brooding male protagonist. Adrienne Simpson from “Silent Warrior” reeks of this trope, and in some ways, Tarja Rikkinen from my current WIP “Beautiful Monster” qualifies too. It was never my intention to make them this way, but you have to understand…

I didn’t know it was wrong!

I think I’ve given you guys enough examples that you’re adequately educated. Luckily, there is help for anybody who needs it. When you’ve finished writing your manuscript, you can send it to somebody called a “sensitivity editor”. This person will comb through your work and make sure nothing sticks out when it comes to potential offensiveness. Because they’re sensitivity editors and get this kind of work all the time, you can bet your ass that they won’t judge you even if your manuscript is glowing like a nuclear rod with offensive material. I didn’t even know these people existed until I started watching Jenna Moreci’s You Tube videos. Perhaps I should hire the services of one when I’m ready to get cracking on editing Silent Warrior. Hell, there’s probably more wrong with it than I thought and that extends beyond Adrienne Simpson being a Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

If you think for some reason I’m just bending to the will of the Social Justice Warriors and ignoring my own individuality, you’re wrong. There used to be a time in my life when being offensive was my bread and butter. I was young, immature, and had the sense of humor of an alt-righter despite being a hard leftist. Well, some things have to change because a bigot is not who I am nor would I be proud of being one. I want to represent the positive side of humanity, not the worst. I want to be on the right side of history and be a good role model for readers who look up to me. If that makes me an SJW, then fine, I’m an SJW. Fuck it, I don’t care. In fact, you can go ahead and call me the Social Justice Barbarian if you want. Barbarians appeal to me more than regular warriors since the former has the ability to rage out of control at a moment’s notice. Plus, I get to eat raw meat, howl at the moon, and swing a bloody battleaxe. How much fun is that?!

Sorry, guys! I didn’t know it was wrong! I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!

***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER***

In the interest of bouncing back and forth between the past and present of this novel, chapter four will feature a look into Windham Xavier’s captivity, where he’s strapped naked to a table and felt up by Shelly and Torger. Don’t worry, you won’t have to go all the way to Wattpad to read this, because no sex will take place (yet). Lord knows Deviant Art has enough nudity as it is, so a chapter of Beautiful Monster with a naked male elf won’t hurt the status quo too much. Look forward to it! And before you ask, no, I’m not gay and even if I was it wouldn’t be the reason why I write about naked male elves. Grow up!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“The world is precious, a gift to you and me. I suggest we treat her right, with love and dignity. Everybody’s looking for some peace of mind. If you seek the truth, then you will surely find. Everybody wants to have global peace, whilst the press of a button can shake the world to its knees. Some say might is right. I beg to disagree. I say we all unite and redirect our destiny. Everybody’s looking for a quick solution. Our lungs are choking from breathing in air pollution. I say put down the guns and stop the revolution. I say it’s time to make a restitution. Can you hear what I’m saying? There’s so much starvation, so much untruth, so much prejudice, so much liquidation. Oh, how long? How long?”

-Toto singing “Can You Hear What I’m Saying?”-

The Fun Police

VERSE 1

They’re coming for your offensive jokes

Every guitar riff, every musical note

Every novel with the blackest of magic

Every love story with an ending so tragic

Keeping it clean like an overworked janitor

Keeping it lawful like an overpowered senator

The fun police are coming for your ass

They’ve got you cuffed, face down in the grass

CHORUS

Sound the sirens! It’s the fun police!

Censoring anything they damn well please!

Stripping you naked of your individuality!

Conformity enforced with wicked brutality!

VERSE 2

Don’t say those words; they’re bad for the ears

It’s been that way since the medieval years

Don’t play with yourself; it’s a mortal sin

Even though you’re the owner of your skin

Don’t question authority; it’s against the law

Listen only to your bible-thumping grandpa

The fun police? More like the fun SWAT Team

Invading your deep desires and sweet dreams

CHORUS

Sound the sirens! It’s the fun police!

Censoring anything they damn well please!

Stripping you naked of your individuality!

Conformity enforced with wicked brutality!

VERSE 3

A squeaky clean world is boring as shit

All because you couldn’t help throwing a fit

All because you got offended by one little tit

All because you can’t handle the mosh pit

Keep your hands off of my fucking fun

Stop whining about everything under the sun

Being miserable is not really an excuse

For all of the power you’ve come to abuse

EXTENDED CHORUS

Sound the sirens! It’s the fun police!

Censoring anything they damn well please!

Stripping you naked of your individuality!

Conformity enforced with wicked brutality!

Sound the alarm! It’s the fun militia!

They’re going berserk and fucking ballistic!

They claim to want a smaller government!

No obstacles for their forced covenant!

Taking Criticism: Defense vs. Surrender

***TAKING CRITICISM: DEFENSE VS. SURRENDER***

Taking criticism is something all authors have to do whether it’s constructive advice from a friend or an all out assault from a complete stranger. I’ve seen my fair share of both since I got serious about writing in 2001. Developing a thick skin isn’t always easy. It’s not something ready-made or even something you’re born with. But regardless of whether you’ve got paper skin or a suit of steel armor, there comes a time in every author’s career when he has to decide: is this piece of literature worth defending or should it be surrendered to the critics? The trick here is to find a balance between defense and surrender; it can never be all or nothing.

I know this, because throughout the 2000’s when I was wild and young, I would defend everything I wrote. Everything! It didn’t matter if it was good or bad, offensive or sterile, first draft or multiple, I had a huge enough ego to believe that everything I wrote turned to gold. Whenever somebody online would tear down my walls, I built them back up ten times stronger. In my mind, because I had the first amendment on my side, I never had to apologize for anything I wrote and I was absolved of all guilt. And then December 27^th, 2009 rolled along and a small army of angry Deviant Art members logged on to tell me how ageist an essay I wrote called “Class of ‘13” was, where I absentmindedly labeled high school students a bunch of text-messaging queens. I fought valiantly against this small army, but ultimately decided ageism against the youth wasn’t worth defending, so now Class of ’13 is gone from my Deviant Art gallery. To this day, I still take issue with people who blame millennials for everything wrong with the world.

And then came the 2010’s and I found myself doing a lot more surrendering than defending. I don’t know if that 2009 experience jolted something inside me or if maturity kicked in, but it’s like my dad once said about me: I’m friends with everyone. It’s true. I value friendship and growth so much that I purposefully tiptoe around delicate issues. That’s why in 2014 when I wrote an erotic kidnapping short story called “Tainted Love”, I took it down days later when it received criticism for being sexist (even though one person said it was steamy and hot). Because I took the calm and collected approach, I found my friendships still intact and I’m still a long and strong member of the WSS, which I take a lot of pride in.

While turning the other cheek will keep you out of trouble and out of the crosshairs of angry keyboard warriors, you can’t take that attitude with everything you write. If you whitewashed the offensiveness out of everything you wrote, you’d have a whole lot of nothing in your repertoire. It’s like that Face Book meme once said: it’s better to write for yourself and have no public than write for the public and have no self. For a guy who preaches individuality and nonconformity in almost all of my poetry, I sure do curl up in the corner when the heat gets hot. That’s not a good strategy for someone who wants success in the writing industry.

I know this, because one of my novel ideas is currently on hold due to it potentially being rejected by the websites I plan on posting it on. It’s called Puberty X Piracy and it’s an urban fantasy story about a teenager who uses and distributes online porn. On one hand, I could defend this as something that’s personal to me since I like a good wank too. On the other hand, writing this novel could be grounds for termination from whatever social media sites I’m using because of its explicit themes of masturbation, actual sex, and male genital mutilation. Of course, I don’t necessarily have to post these chapters on social media, but it’d be nice to get something out there that didn’t result in catastrophe.

I said before that the key to surviving life as an author is knowing the difference between what is defensible and what needs to be surrendered. I tried defending everything in the 2000’s and it ended horribly. It’s the 2010’s and I’m surrendering everything, but there’s a good chance somebody might like the things I’m surrendering. Which one’s worse: being a dick or missing opportunities? I’d like to think that’s an easy question, but at some point, I have to start sticking up for myself. I just can’t tell the difference between when it’s necessary and when it isn’t.

A common litmus test for this debate is to gage how many people agree or disagree with the piece of literature in question, but that’s not always accurate. There are people who love the shit out of Fifty Shades of Grey and despite the hell out of Winnie the Pooh. Yes, folks, there are people who fucking hate Winnie the Pooh. And Tigger. And Piglet. There are also people who wouldn’t mind sucking on a “Christian Grey flavored popsicle”, whatever the fuck that is. Like I said: write for yourself, not the public. There are people in this world who still think the earth is flat. I may surrender a lot of my talking points, but I refuse to hand the keys of the kingdom to a bunch of flat-earthers. It’s round, motherfuckers! It’s round!

If popularity is a bad litmus test for defensiveness vs. surrender, what’s a good one? That’s a question I don’t have the answer for. I’m 32 years old and celebrating my 16^th year as a semi-professional author, yet I’m no closer to tapping into that particular piece of wisdom. I know I’m shouting into the abyss when I post these blog entries, but I’m still shouting, damn it. If any of my readers have the slightest inkling as to what the answer could be, let me know and I’ll take it into consideration. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***AMERICAN DARKNESS 3***

Until I become fully committed to Puberty X Piracy, I’m going to start working on the third installment of American Darkness a.k.a. the series of stories that once made Andy Peloquin exclaim, “DARK SHIT!” I have fifty-two story ideas in this particular volume, but all I need is fifty and I’m going to go down the list alphabetically. That means the first story to go in this book will be…slightly less dark than the others. Probably not the best way to start a book with darkness in the title, but it starts with an A, so suck it. It’s called “Adorably Clueless” and it goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

1. Billy Mann, College Librarian
2. Mia Rodriguez, Flirty Customer
3. Dottie Jackson, Billy’s Coworker

PROMPT CONFORMITY: To be announced.

SYNOPSIS: Billy has gone through his entire life without experiencing romance and is feeling lonely and sad because of it. One day at the college library, Billy checks out a few books to Mia, who unbeknown to him was flirting with him the entire time. When Mia walks away, Dottie giggles at Billy and calls him “adorably clueless” when it comes to his social awkwardness and inability to detect flirtation. With the college’s “Second Chance Prom” coming up in a few weeks, Billy has to get his act together if he wants to capitalize on this almost missed opportunity.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Because my next first draft book will be a collection of modern day dramas, the number of characters from the fantasy genre I have left to draw are limited to two: Debra Lynch (elf rogue) and Johnny De Morgan (human busker), both of them from the final Poison Tongue Tales 2 story “Street Sleeper”. If I really want to continue drawing these characters, I’ll have to find another source other than stories I’ve already written.

***THE CAT WHO ROBBED A BANK***

I’ve been a Lilian Jackson Braun fan since I became a born-again reader in 2009. I’ve given all of her books passing grades for their light material and cute kitties. This one will be no different, though you’re probably asking why I keep reading these “Cat Who” books if they’re so predictable. That’s basically like asking why I keep buying CD’s of a certain band if they do the same kind of music: because I fucking like them! If you like something, don’t question or pick away at it. Don’t surrender that shit to anybody with ignorant questions. See what I did there?

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What do you call a blacksmith who likes butt sex?

A: Forge packer.

***POST-SCRIPT***

Just in case there’s any confusion, no, I won’t surrender that joke either.

Is That What It Takes?

VERSE 1

No one in this world is untouchable

Even less people are bulletproof

Turning that shit up to eleven

It’s what it takes to smash the glass roof

CHORUS

Is that what it takes to get some fame?

To use the power hungry’s names in vain?

Is that what it takes to climb the ladder?

To be slicker than a load of baby batter?

Is that what it takes to cash my checks?

To be more offensive than bestial sex?

You ignore the rest of my achievements

Gaze into the microscope at my demons!

VERSE 2

If I would have known this years ago

I’d have my own internet radio show

Spewing off at the mouth like dragon fire

While faceless callers label me a liar

CHORUS

Is that what it takes to get some fame?

To use the power hungry’s names in vain?

Is that what it takes to climb the ladder?

To be slicker than a load of baby batter?

Is that what it takes to cash my checks?

To be more offensive than bestial sex?

You ignore the rest of my achievements

Gaze into the microscope at my demons!

VERSE 3

I could apologize until the end of time

I could pay off that heavy ass fine

Drop to my knees and beg you, “Please”

It wouldn’t be enough to wash off the sleaze

You never apologized for your own sins

Throw your death threats in the rubbish bin

Everyone around you is a precious snowflake

The news of your hypocrisy must be so fake

CHORUS

Is that what it takes to get some fame?

To use the power hungry’s names in vain?

Is that what it takes to climb the ladder?

To be slicker than a load of baby batter?

Is that what it takes to cash my checks?

To be more offensive than bestial sex?

You ignore the rest of my achievements

Gaze into the microscope at my demons!

FINAL VERSE

For whatever it’s worth on this scorching earth

I apologize for the very idea of my birth

I don’t mean it, but neither do you

Keep on screaming until your face is blue