Xanderhal: the Most Mentally Stable BreadTuber of All Time

 

Not Reading Your Own Reviews

***NOT READING YOUR OWN REVIEWS***

If you’re an author or creator of any kind, there’s one universal fact that you’ll have to blindly accept right off the bat: you will have critics, you will have bad reviews, and there’s nothing you can do about it other than keep on keeping on. It took me a LONG ass time to accept this, but I’m in a better position in my life because I did. Everyone in your audience has a unique point of view and that’s the way it should be. You don’t get to be a ruthless North Korean dictator just because you have sensitive feelings. But having said all of this, while you’re required to accept the fact you will be criticized, you are NOT obligated to read your own negative reviews.

That’s not the same thing as accepting feedback from your inner circle. Beta readers and editors are there for the sole purpose of giving you constructive feedback and advice on how to fix your manuscript’s worst flaws. You should welcome these people into your life because that’s how you get better as a writer. But reviewers are an entirely different animal altogether. Once your book is published, all bets are off. Reviewers are not obligated to be kind or constructive. Their job is to give an honest opinion of the work in question, nothing more, nothing less. Reviews are not written for the benefit of the author. They’re for the benefit of future readers, whether it’s advice to stay away from the published work or gravitate towards it en masse.

But just because someone is entitled to their negative opinion of you and your work, it doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to read what they have to say. That should be reserved for the beta readers and editors. Getting negative reviews is stressful. I know this because I’ve gotten a few of them myself (surprise, surprise) and haven’t brought myself to read what they actually say. You could argue that I’m a special little snowflake who gets easily hurt and you’d be right in that regard. Having a litany of mental health issues weakens my defenses when it comes to receiving harsh words. I want desperately to be a superhuman badass in the face of adversity, but I don’t get to have that choice. It seems as though every one of my author friends is secretly Superman or Wonder Woman, but I forget that they too have bad days when it comes to criticism. The only difference is, they have the ability to endure more than I can and it shows in their marketing schemes.

I’ve been watching a lot of Book Tube lately and had a nice little marketing strategy in mind: sending copies of my already published books to them and having them make videos about their honest opinions. I enjoy watching creators like Krimson Rogue, Rachel Oates, and Jordan Harvey work their magic. They’re entertaining, they’re thoughtful, they’re wise, and they’re the perfect candidates for reviewing my books, right? Well, that’s where my overactive, anxious imagination comes into play. I’ve played out tear-jerking scenarios in my head where these Book Tubers create videos bashing the shit out of my works and sending their viewers over to my social media to mob me out of existence. I know full well they’re not mean people. In fact, most of them don’t believe in cancel culture. But the thoughts have crossed my mind nonetheless and they’re maddening.

If they hypothetically were to give my books negative reviews, it’s not like they’d be entirely wrong in their opinions. Over the past decade, I’ve written some disgusting, nasty, overbearing shit and it’s only a matter of time before someone’s head explodes from reading it all. It could be Mitch McLeod coming off as a Gary-Stu. It could be me having a laugh at the expense of people from the south. Hell, one scenario I’ve imagined (but not realized yet) is Krimson Rogue jokingly calling one of my poetry books Confessions of a Schizophrenic Misogynist. For Christ’s sake, the book starts off by saying, “True blue, I don’t need a 62, your wife’s sweet juices will just have to do.” I don’t want to say that’s a red flag, but…well, it’s a red flag. A BIG fucking red flag.

Yes, my writing career has stagnated due to my lack of marketing prowess. Yes, I know what I need to do to fix that. But am I prepared for the consequences of doing so? Far from it. I’ve been mobbed online before and it’s not fun. Hell, I’ve gotten sad and angry when the harsh criticism was delivered in a gentle way. Like I said, I long for the day when I can be an ultra-tough superman, but I also know that day is never going to come, not in my condition. I firmly believe mental toughness is something you’re born with. Sure, you could sign up for the army and grow accustomed to having a drill instructor scream in your face 24/7, but if you’re not already mentally tough, that won’t build you up; it’ll knock your ass down for the count. I was born sensitive and I’ll take that to the grave with me several decades down the line.

So…if I were to follow through with my plan to allow Book Tubers to review what I’ve got and give an honest opinion, I should include one condition to the deal: that no matter how offensive the content is, we will still be friends. I’ll gladly agree to my end of that deal. If they give me one and two-star reviews, I will still think of them as my favorite friends. But will they feel the same about me? Yes, I consider some of these Book Tubers to be friends despite not knowing them well enough. Maybe I’m just a fan of their work and don’t want to be cast down by my own heroes. Maybe this condition isn’t necessary at all. But no matter if I include this provision or not, I still remain firm in my belief that reading my own reviews and watching my own response videos will only do more harm than good. Yes, I’d get the exposure I need, but like I said earlier, reviews are not for authors; they are for other readers. True critiques will come from your beta readers and editors. Hannah Lee Kidder, the author of Little Birds, agrees wholeheartedly with me and she’s more successful than I am at the moment, so if you can’t take my word for it, take hers.

If you want a copy of any of my books and you want to give an honest review of it, don’t be afraid to reach out to me. Your opinion matters. Nobody can take that away from you. Here’s my bibliography:

1. Occupy Wrestling (pro-wrestling urban fantasy novella)
2. American Darkness (contemporary micro-fiction collection)
3. Poison Tongue Tales (sci-fi, fantasy, and horror micro-fiction collection)
4. Confessions of a Schizophrenic Savage (poetry and songs)
5. Necrograph (more poetry and songs)
6. Lunatic Justice (even more poetry and songs)
7. Still Standing (anti-bullying anthology alongside other authors)

Which one of you wants a nice reading adventure? I’m all ears! I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight!

***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER PROGRESS***

It’s been a long time in between edit jobs, but as of today, I’ve completed a chapter-by-chapter synopsis, a prologue, and six opening chapters. Chapter seven will be the one where Shelly Atwood and one of her minions give Windham Xavier a bath. What could be so exciting about that, you ask? First of all, as I’ve already established, Shelly Atwood has no business touching Windham on any part of this body, much less when he’s butt naked in bath water. Eventually, he’s going to have to make a break for it. And he just fucking might!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“This world asks for so much. Despite what you give, it’s just never enough. Then you’re left cold, tired, and alone. Searching for something that’s already gone. You try not to be afraid. Bound down by all of these things that they say. And you feel like you’re all by yourself. But I’ll be right here when there’s nothing left. Your fears, they know that you’re scared. Wherever you go, they seem to meet you there. And you face them all on your own. Never the weak, always the strong. And you win most of the time. Never once claiming that victory’s mine. And you carry this burden alone. But this candle’s burned at both ends for so long. Lay down. Rest here in peace in my arms now knowing you’re safe from the storms and the rain and from all of your pain. And I’ll be here when only the silence remains.”

-3 Doors Down singing “The Silence Remains”-

Loser

VERSE 1

You can’t use your past as an excuse

To put everybody through verbal abuse

To blow like dynamite with a short fuse

To cry like a bitch for every time you lose

I don’t care how much money you make

It doesn’t give you the right to forsake

The ones who look up to you for guidance

You bullied them right into dead silence

CHORUS

You’re a loser

Acting so tough like a bruiser

You’re a loser

Lecturing me until I’m a snoozer

You’re a loser

Drunk off your power like a boozer

You’re a loser

You’re a loser!

VERSE 2

The day you left, I partied like a rock star

Cranked up the music, fucking rocked hard

Ate the biggest slice of cake I could find

So glad to leave your monster ass behind

CHORUS

You’re a loser

Acting so tough like a bruiser

You’re a loser

Lecturing me until I’m a snoozer

You’re a loser

Drunk off your power like a boozer

You’re a loser

You’re a loser!

BRIDGE

I tried to help, but you’re beyond redemption

I tried to talk, but you’re not worth the mention

I tried to love, but you could still cut the tension

I tried to leave, but you locked me in detention

VERSE 3

The memory remains even if it’s so distant

Exorcising you has been my adulthood mission

If it was really that easy, I’d have done it already

Ripped up your pictures into party confetti

Deleted your words from my darkest places

Put some paper bags over your angriest faces

Your history is mine to permanently erase

So why are you still getting on my fucking case?

CHORUS

You’re a loser

Acting so tough like a bruiser

You’re a loser

Lecturing me until I’m a snoozer

You’re a loser

Drunk off your power like a boozer

You’re a loser

You’re a loser!

American Sad Ass

If you ever walk into my bedroom and hear me listening to sad-ass music, don’t be alarmed. This kind of music is what inspires me to write poetry and heavy metal songs since they’re usually dark and dour in nature. I already have two books of poetry published called “Confessions of a Schizophrenic Savage” and “Necrograph”. A third one, called “Prophecy”, will be published as soon as I can cram a hundred poems into a single volume. If you want to know what my poetry-inspiring playlist looks like, here it is. Feel free to look up any or all of these songs on You Tube.

1. “1979” by Smashing Pumpkins
2. “Always” by Killswitch Engage
3. “Angel” by Sarah McLachlan
4. “Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 1” by Pink Floyd
5. “Ashes of Eden” by Breaking Benjamin
6. “At the Bottom of Night” from Chrono Trigger
7. “Be Somebody” by 3 Doors Down
8. “Beautiful Goodbye” by Amanda Marshall
9. “Beauty Is Within Us” from Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex
10. “Because of You” by Kelly Clarkson
11. “Behind Closed Doors” by Pop Evil
12. “Bent to Fly” by Slash feat. Myles Kennedy
13. “The Bottom” by Devour the Day
14. “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day
15. “Breakdown” by Tantric
16. “Broken Home” by Papa Roach
17. “Bury Your Heart” by Flyleaf
18. “Candle of Life” by The Moody Blues
19. “Can’t Forget You” by My Darkest Days
20. “Careless Whisper” by George Michael
21. “Cemetery Gates” by Pantera
22. “Cold” by Five Finger Death Punch
23. “Come Undone” by My Darkest Days
24. “The Crow, the Owl, and the Dove” by Nightwish
25. “Daisy Jane” by America
26. “Dead Boy’s Poem” by Nightwish
27. “Dear Cocaine” by Crossfade
28. “Decompression Period” by Papa Roach
29. “Don’t Leave Me Now” by Pink Floyd
30. “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt
31. “Driven Under” by Seether
32. “Dry Your Eyes” by The Streets
33. “Each Small Candle” by Roger Waters
34. “Falling” by Anette Olzon
35. “Far Away” by Nickelback
36. “Father’s Son” by 3 Doors Down
37. “Fine Again” by Seether
38. “The Fletcher Memorial Home” by Pink Floyd
39. “Forever Autumn” by Justin Hayward
40. “The Forgotten” by Green Day
41. “Four Minutes” by Roger Waters
42. “From the Inside” by Linkin Park
43. “Frozen” by Within Temptation
44. “Ghost of Muskegon” by Pop Evil
45. “God Went North” by Nothing More
46. “Goodbye Agony” by Black Veil Brides
47. “Goodbye Cruel World” by Pink Floyd
48. “Goodbye My Lover” by James Blunt
49. “Haunted” by The Moody Blues
50. “Heart of Gold” by James Blunt
51. “Heaven” by Otherwise feat. Ashley Costello
52. “Hesitate” by Stone Sour
53. “The High Road” by Three Days Grace
54. “Hold On” by Limp Bizkit
55. “Hollow” by Breaking Benjamin
56. “House of Wax” by Tarja Turunen
57. “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?” by Michael Bolton
58. “Hurt” by Johnny Cash
59. “Hush” by Hellyeah
60. “I Burn For You” by The Police
61. “I Can’t Be With You” by The Cranberries
62. “I Don’t Believe In Love” by Queensryche
63. “I Hate Everything” by George Strait
64. “I Think It’s Better” by Jill Scott
65. “I Think You Should Know” by Crossfade
66. “I’m Still Remembering” by The Cranberries
67. “Inside the Fire” by Disturbed
68. “Is There Anybody Out There?” by Pink Floyd
69. “Island of Souls” by Sting
70. “It’s Too Late” by The Streets
71. “Killpop” by Slipknot
72. “Kiss” by Korn
73. “Landing in London” by 3 Doors Down
74. “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac
75. “The Last Night” by Skillet
76. “Leave Out All the Rest” by Linkin Park
77. “Like Nobody Else” by My Darkest Days
78. “Little Sister” by Your Favorite Enemies
79. “Lonely Day” by System of a Down
80. “Loser” by 3 Doors Down
81. “Lost” by Within Temptation
82. “Lovehatetragedy” by Papa Roach
83. “Lullaby” by Nickelback
84. “Master of Disaster” by Seether
85. “Me or Him” by Roger Waters
86. “Meadows of Heaven” by Nightwish
87. “Melancholy Man” by The Moody Blues
88. “My Child” by Disturbed
89. “My Confessions” by Pop Evil
90. “My December” by Linkin Park
91. “My Friends” by Red Hot Chili Peppers
92. “My Heart Beats Pain” by Martin Kesici
93. “My Heart Lied” by Five Finger Death Punch
94. “My Immortal” by Evanescence
95. “My Skin” by Natalie Merchant
96. “Never Coming Home” by Crossfade
97. “Never Surrender” by Skillet
98. “A New World” from Final Fantasy V
99. “No Bravery” by James Blunt
100. “No One in the World” by Anita Baker
101. “Nobody Home” by Pink Floyd
102. “Nobody Praying For Me” by Seether
103. “Not Alone” by Patty Griffin
104. “Oh” from Afro Samurai
105. “On My Own” by Patti Labelle and Michael McDonald
106. “Once Upon a Daydream” by The Police
107. “One Million Faces” by Anette Olzon
108. “One of My Turns” by Pink Floyd
109. “Our Decades in the Sun” by Nightwish
110. “Out of Hell” by In This Moment
111. “Out of Love” by Toto
112. “Overcome” by Live
113. “Pass Slowly” by Seether
114. “Perfect” by My Darkest Days
115. “The Pirate’s Bride” by Sting
116. “Rain” from Cowboy Bebop
117. “The Real You” by Three Days Grace
118. “The Reckoning” by Halestorm
119. “Remember Every Scar” by Escape the Fate
120. “Remember Everything” by Five Finger Death Punch
121. “Restless Heart Syndrome” by Green Day
122. “Rocket Man” by Elton John
123. “Roses On My Grave” by Papa Roach
124. “Russians” by Sting
125. “Save Our Last Goodbye” by Disturbed
126. “Save Today” by Seether
127. “Savin’ Me” by Nickelback
128. “Say Goodnight” by Gemini Syndrome
129. “The Scientist” by Coldplay
130. “Sealed Door” from Chrono Trigger
131. “Seemann” by Rammstein
132. “Shadow of the Day” by Linkin Park
133. “Shape of My Heart” by Sting
134. “She’s Leaving Home” by The Beatles
135. “Shot in the Dark” by Within Temptation
136. “The Silence Remains” by 3 Doors Down
137. “Sleeping Sun” by Nightwish
138. “Slip Away” by David Arkenstone and Charlee Brooks
139. “Snuff” by Slipknot
140. “Someone to Talk to” by The Police
141. “Someone Who Cares” by Three Days Grace
142. “Stay Positive” by The Streets
143. “Stick to Your Guns” by Sick Puppies
144. “Stole” by Kelly Rowland
145. “Stressed Out” by A Tribe Called Quest feat. Faith Evans
146. “Suicide Is Painless” by Lady & Bird
147. “Suteki Da Ne” from Final Fantasy X
148. “Take This” by Gemini Syndrome
149. “Telescope” by Starset
150. “Terra’s Theme” from Final Fantasy VI
151. “This Love” by Pantera
152. “To Kill the Child” by Roger Waters
153. “Tourniquet Man” by The Mars Volta
154. “Underneath” by Tarja Turunen
155. “Until Silence” by Tarja Turunen
156. “Us All” by Silent Season
157. “Vera” by Pink Floyd
158. “Volcanic” by Death Angel
159. “Walking in the Air” by Nightwish
160. “Watching for Comets” by Skillet
161. “Wearing the Inside Out” by Pink Floyd
162. “What God Wants, Pt. 3” by Roger Waters
163. “What Sober Couldn’t Say” by Halestorm
164. “When I’m Back On My Feet Again” by Michael Bolton
165. “Where Is the Edge?” by Within Temptation
166. “While Your Lips Are Still Red” by Nightwish
167. “You Again” by Arstioir
168. “You Can Let Go” by Crystal Shawanda
169. “You Keep Me Hangin’ On” by Kim Wilde
170. “Youth of the Nation” by P.O.D.

"The Silence Remains" by 3 Doors Down

“This world asks for so much. Despite what you give, it’s just never enough.” Those two sentences set the tone not only for this 3 Doors Down song, but also for the lives of a lot of people like me who are trying to make it in this world. We’re artists and the world looks down on us. It seems as though no matter how many books we write, how many times we edit those books, or how many times we show those books to our peers, the profits won’t buy us the happiness we need. So much untapped potential going to waste in the far reaches of the world where the least number of people reside. Let me ask you this question, people: who are the ones that matter to you? Better yet, who matters more to you: the best friend who wants to see you improve and grow or the editor at large of a major publishing company who looks his nose down on everybody who comes groveling at his feet for work? While the latter of those two people may be your meal ticket in an economy where they rarely exist, the former will be the only one who will tell you to “Lay down and rest here in peace in my arms now.” Editors and agents can’t provide you with peace and happiness. They don’t love you. They may love your talent and potential some of the time, but they don’t love you as a human being. Is all the apathy in the world worth it if your book happens to sell to a vast sea of people? Books can be splintered into paper pulp, but memories last a lifetime. The publishing company provides the books and the critics provide the awards, but those are just pieces of paper. The ones you love provide you the smiles, the tears, and the undying support that every artist needs in order to thrive in this world. Without love and friendship, this world is just one big money laundering scheme. Living paycheck to paycheck is not living at all. It’s an existence. Living your life means you can share it with the ones who matter most. Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. You have to go out of your way sometimes to find these kindred souls, but in the end, you’ll be happy you found them. And when you find them, keep them for as long as you can. Because you never really know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Fame can disappear as soon as the next trend comes along. But when love disappears, it really begins to hurt. That is what “The Silence Remains” by 3 Doors Down means to me. Brad Arnold and I couldn’t be more different. He’s a southerner, I’m a northerner. He’s a republican, I’m a democrat. He’s alternative, I’m metal. One thing Mr. Arnold and I can agree upon is our love for the emotional texture that music and art bring about. Without emotions, art is just a part of the word “artificial”.

　

***TELEVISION QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Kensi, wait. I thought you should know that the place I went to in my head to stop the pain was you. I just kept thinking about your smile. Your laugh. Everything. It’s the only thing that got me through it all, for whatever it’s worth.”

-Marty Deeks from “NCIS: Los Angeles”-