Apparently, What I Experienced in 1999 Was Prodromal Schizophrenia

 

The Trolls Aren't Even Trying to Hide It Anymore

 

The Pink Ranger Is Not Your Girlfriend; She's Your Unhealthy Coping Mechanism

 

My Name Is Garrison and I Am a Paranoid Schizophrenic...

 

Roasting Trolls in the "Good Old Days" That Weren't So Good

 

Irony Is Your Strong Suit

Don’t tell me I didn’t try hard enough when trying was never an option.

Don’t tell me I’m coasting through life when you want me to fail.

Don’t tell me to suck it up when you throw the punches.

Don’t tell me I’m too fat when your favorite politician weighs more.

Don’t tell me I’m too stupid when your IQ is in the toilet.

Don’t tell me I’m behind in life when you take a shortcut to get ahead.

Don’t tell me I need to step up my game when I score last place anyways.

Don’t tell me to ask her out when she’s too scared to accept a man’s love.

Don’t tell me to get a job when the boss can’t wait to fire me.

Don’t tell me to get out of the house more often when I have nowhere to go.

I could have been the best thing to ever happen to this world.

Even if this world never wanted someone like me.

Someone different, someone who cared, someone who loved.

But mediocrity keeps the machine going.

Silence keeps the gears from gumming up.

I’m sorry I didn’t fit into your economic plan.

But at the same time, you never let me in to begin with.

Irony is your strong suit, having a soul is not.

Stay in your lane, as you always say.

Yet your military tank takes up the entire highway.

Don’t tell me I’m too sensitive when hearing the truth makes you squirm.

En Taro Adun, Professor! My Grades for Aiur! Doom to All Who Threaten My GPA!

 

Ron Simmons vs. The California Raisins: Wrestling Isn't Fake, But AI Slop Is

 

"Cowboy" James Storm vs. Amy Coney Barrett: a Declining Birthrate Doesn't Mean Shit

 

Sophie from Mars: What's More Childish Than BreadTube Infighting?

 

Jacqueline Ma: Teacher of the Year, Pariah Forever

 

Princess Leia vs. Harvey Weinstein & Quentin Tarantino: a Giant Slug Made Her Wear the Bikini

 

Wayne Campbell (Wayne's World 2) vs. Elon Musk (DOGE-Bag): "I Like to Think I Have an Eye for Details"

 

Windham Xavier: Prince of Elves and Trees in "Savage Beatings" and "Beautiful Monster"

 

Warden Waldo Hernandez from "Marines Love Prison": "Life Is Good, God Is Great"

 

Vik Decker: When He Takes a Shot of Liquor, He Shoots His Shot at a Lesbian MMA Fighter

 

In "Dungeon of Love", a Vote for Tracey Clyde Is a Vote for Shooting Yourself in the Foot

 

Tillee Bergstrom, Featherweight MMA Champion from "Take a Shot, Shoot Your Shot"

 

Well, Shit...I Forgot to Upload This Yesterday! I Must Have Kentucky Fried Brain Again!

 

Private Thurstun Wylson, Robb Sugar's Cellmate in "Marines Love Prison"

 

Logan Paul: a WWE Heat Magnet Who Gets Booed for All the Wrong Reasons...and He's Proud of It!

 

Brian Alvarez: Be Strong! Be Fit! Be...Anything but a Smug Douchebag Who Fat-Shames His Friends!

 

Max Caster: Sounds Less Like Immortal Technique and More Like an Alt-Right Troll

 

I Love You, Sharon Den Adel, But for the Sake of Our Planet, Cool It with the AI Slop

 

James Hetfield: Why Ride the Lightning When You Can Ride the Fence?

 

Aww! Shane Gillis Made a New Friend! Isn't That Cute?

 

Waiting for the Worms to Come...

 

There's No Low TKO Won't Sink to When it Comes to Corporate Sponsorships

 

We Now Have a Positive ID of the Record Label Exec Who Ended Hoku's Career:

 

Sorry About Your Damn Workforce!

 

Tadd Underhill: Prankster Friend from "Take a Shot, Shoot Your Shot"

 

Solomen Monacelli: Argumentative Boyfriend from "Happy Fun Land"

 

Silvester Callus: Ultimate Muscle Freak Babyface from "Seven Star Reads"

 

The Savage Twins: Far-Right Mercenaries from "Beautiful Monster" and "Savage Beatings" (Hell of a Title, Huh?)

 

Bush vs. Joey Swoll: a Song Like "Testosterone" Should Absolutely Be Taken at Face Value, Hint, Hint, Nudge, Nudge

 

Lawrence O'Donnell (MS Now) X Timo Cruz (Coach Carter): Everybody Calls Him "Sir"

 

DMX: Died Before Elon Musk Rebranded Twitter, Haunts Him From Beyond the Grave

 

The Nightcore Boobird X Ticketmaster: Name a More Insufferable Tag Team

 

Cornell 666: If Only Red Pilled Rapists Were This Easy to Spot

 

Girlhood

Happy Easter, shake your keister

Shake your birthday cake for the Thanksgiving feasters

Eighteen, seventeen, who gives a damn?

How low can you go for the gaze of a man?

Get picked or get kicked, they’re your only choices

Don’t talk about boundaries, men have louder voices

They call themselves protectors only when it’s convenient

So much for protection when the penalty is lenient

A slap on the wrist that got Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

From jacking it to rape, but you can’t blame him, though

Staring is caring, videos are for sharing

Freedom of information was just a red herring

“Not All Men” is a political slogan

Blasted through a bullhorn by fans of Joe Rogan

They swallow Red Pills that were stolen from the source

Sci-fi directors who were labeled “trans whores”

And now we got a system and we call it Penis Power

Confused with people power, ‘cause the people have soured

On the illusion of choice, whether it’s voting or abortion

Work within a system overpowered by extortion

Anger is for criminals, violence is for sinners

They tell you speaking softly is the way to be a winner

Of every debate you’ve ever been a part of

Get arrested anyways, no chance for a pardon

Slammed to the ground, wrists heavily bound

The last of your girlhood is nowhere to be found

Patriarchy wanted this the whole fucking time

So they can dodge accountability for every crime

Against a woman’s body, her mind, and her soul

Reducing her to whether men want to fill her holes

A world run by fascists will always fall apart

Where’s the awe and wonder of men with black hearts?

What can they create with a world they have robbed?

Even AI chatbots think the world’s made of slop

Loneliness epidemic? That’s what happens when you kill

There’s nobody left to share your enjoyment of the thrill

Last man standing is a dead-end situation

Spend your life in squalor, there’s no fun in masturbation

Hey, Teacher Therapy: Get Over It!

 

Sting: "When We Lie in Fields of Gold..."

New Orleans Prostitute vs. Garrison's Autism: Same Characters, New Dialogue

 

Paul Mauriat: In America's Elections, "Love Is Blue" Takes on a Whole New Meaning

 

Becky Lynch and Nikki Cross Are Not Actually Fucking Each Other (Shocking, Isn't It)

 

Toilet Paper USA X Power Slop: They Truly Deserve Each Other

 

Tonight on Lifetime: Duct Tape, Duct Tape, and More Duct Tape!

 

My Most Disturbing Drawing Since Dogmeat from Black Tar Kiss

 

Garrison Kelly vs. a Nazi Caveman a.k.a. Your Average Right-Winger

 

War of the Worlds? More Like a War on Neurodivergent People

 

Pimping Your Peace of Mind

VERSE 1

A diamond ring for a kick in your teeth

Blood stains on the Christmas wreath

A flat TV for a punch in the gut

“Sorry so sorry, let’s order Pizza Hut!”

Fancy clothes for a gun to your head

The war is over, let’s make love in the bed

You’ll lay in a coffin if the price is right

At least you got to be with the love of your life

 

CHORUS

Pimping your peace of mind

Being rich is better than being kind

Selling your soul for a pile of gold

Now she owns your ass until the day you’re too old

 

VERSE 2

Drop her like the bad habit she is

You can’t always bat a thousand, sometimes you miss

Undefeated streaks in romance are impossible to have

Only so many times you cut your wealth in half

 

CHORUS

Pimping your peace of mind

Being rich is better than being kind

Selling your soul for a pile of gold

Now she owns your ass until the day you’re too old

 

VERSE 3

Loneliness and isolation are a gift

When your lady couldn’t bother to give you a lift

In your spirits, you can hear it when she raises her voice

About this and that and nothing, it’s the topic of her choice

Being the bigger man is hard when you feel small

You’re a circus dwarf and she’s a million feet tall

Why would you play ball with the sorest loser

Break it off now before you cope and be a boozer

 

CHORUS

Pimping your peace of mind

Being rich is better than being kind

Selling your soul for a pile of gold

Now she owns your ass until the day you’re too old

 

OUTRO

It’s a warning, not a playbook, not a game of football

Get CTE without your head bouncing off the walls

You can’t finish your sentence unless you finish your flashback

Why’re you getting mad at me? She’s the one who needs backlash

Tomi Lahren: Legally Blonde, Willingly Blind

 

A&W Root Beer vs. a Grumpy Old Man: His Name is Definitely Not Pronounced "doo-MAHS"