Bart Simpson laughed his ass off when he spray painted a
penis and testicles on the side of Mr. Burns’s mansion. He screamed in terror
when Burns caught him in the act, to which the Nuclear Power Plant tycoon
unzipped his own fly and said, “You’re the perfect height for what I’m about to
make you do, little boy!”
Travis texted his European girlfriend with grinning and
heart emojis while calling her a “Beautiful Bulgarian”. He had a kiwi-sized
lump in his throat when his phone auto-corrected his message to “Beautiful
Bulge Area” before sending it.
Sammy drove cautiously on a winding mountain road with no
guard rails while his wife and baby son snoozed in the back together. For some
reason, he thought it would be a good idea to start texting on his smart phone.
A hulking ogress with rotting flesh, maggot-infested
fingernails, and drill bit fangs burst through Grayson’s front door with a
leonine belch and a paternity test in her hands. While Grayson cowered and
shivered behind the easy chair, the ogress tossed the test results in his lap
and said, “Congratulations, asshole!”
A stacked WWE Wrestlemania pay-per-view featured the main
event of “The Monster Among Men” Braun Strowman vs. “The Modern Day Maharaja”
Jinder Mahal for the latter’s WWE Championship in a first blood match. The
match ended in five seconds when Jinder poked Braun with a sewing needle and
drew a tiny drop of blood, causing the ripped-off fans to destroy the arena in
a fiery riot.
Middle school sex ed was off to a rowdy start when the
children screamed like banshees and threw paper airplanes at each other. They
grew silent, shaky, and wide-eyed when the evilly-grinning professor wrote his
name on the chalkboard, which was Mr. Ray Pugh.
Melissa clutched her chest and fought for oxygen when she
saw that somebody on Face Book with a Pepe the Frog icon posted a countdown
clock for her newborn baby’s eighteenth birthday. She nearly had a conniption
when somebody else posted underneath it, “Why wait?”
Colton
squirmed and ached in his bent over position while Dr. Smith performed a
colonoscopy on him. Colton
jumped out of his skin when the doctor said in a jolly voice, “Hey look, we’ve
got half a million hits on You Tube!”
Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader engaged in an epic light
saber battle that saw Vader slice off Luke’s arm. As young Skywalker doubled
over in pain, Vader breathed deeply in his ear and said, “Luke…I am your
husband!”
Paul logged onto his Porn Hub account in hopes of finding a
live teen webcam feed. He nearly lost both his erection and his sanity when he
heard a familiar comedian’s voice on the other end of the feed yell, “Hey, hey,
hey, come try my king sized pudding pop!”
Shane couldn’t wait to start his new job at Analytical
Weaponry, Inc. That was, until he drove up to his workplace and saw the company
name on a neon sign, which had all of the letters after the first L in the word
Analytical blown out.
George opened his email and found a message demanding
fourteen thousand dollars in exchange for keeping quiet about his porn viewing
habits. To show there was no playing around, the extortionist put George’s
password in the title of the email.
Anderson
took a few puffs of his cigarette before coughing up black pudding all over the
floor. His stomach ached and his throat soured when he saw that the tar blob
had teeth and feces attached to it.
Stacy approached a hotdog cart and asked for a six-inch
Polish sausage. Pee-Wee Herman emerged from his crouched position laughing like
a madman with his penis sandwiched in a hotdog bun, complete with “mustard,
ketchup, and relish” dripping from the tip.
Mary Poppins floated into London with a grimy man on her arm. As she
arrived for her babysitting job, she introduced him to the children as Peter
File.
“I’m lost without you, my love,” said Prince Charming. He
gave his girlfriend a passionate tongue kiss before closing the casket one last
time.
“I’d really like to give you a hand job right now,” said
Sedona before licking her rosy red lips. Her lover nearly had a heart attack
when she pulled off her arm glove and revealed bladed monster fingers
underneath.
It is the middle ground between whiny and angry, between
involuntary celibacy and a mass shooting, between a toxic romance and
full-blown hostility. This is the dimension of pornographic imagination, an
area which we call…The Friend Zone!
After Glenn refused to answer the phone, a robotic voice on
the answering machine said, “Please return the call to Charles Dahmer at
1-800-666-5150. This is an attempt to collect your blood and any information
obtained will be used for that purpose.”
Chase entered his massive pickup truck and blew into the ignition
interlock device. After registering a blood alcohol level of 0.87, he was able
to start his vehicle and speed off into the busy night.
Marcus shivered in a cold sweat as he paced around his room
for hours waiting for his girlfriend to text him back. His tongue and throat
dried when she finally sent him a text saying, “We need to talk.”
“Introducing his opponent fighting out of the red corner: a
serial killer and totalitarian dictator who holds a spotless record of
thirty-two victims, I mean, wins and no losses, stands at 7’3”, weighs in at
500 lbs., and fights out of Charlottesville, Virginia by way of Jeddah,
Saudi Arabia with a pit stop
in North Korea…Bone
Saw…McGraw! And when the action begins, our referee in charge of the octagon is
Steve Mazzigatti.”
On the morning of Valentine’s Day, a grinning Britney
excitedly opened a heart-shaped box from her secret admirer. She screamed and
dropped it because instead of chocolates, the box contained the bloody remnants
of her aborted son.
Mitchell’s stomach gurgled and growled after eating twenty
Carolina Reaper hot wings in a row without even a sip of milk. Fifteen minutes
of sweating and tearing up later, when it was his turn to use the toilet, he
pulled his pants down and his intestines fell out.
Lexi opened a package hoping it was diapers for her
children’s charity drive. Her jaw hit the floor when she found out they were
adult diapers with a semen-soaked note saying, “These would look really hot on
you, Sexy-Lexi!”
Little Debbie skipped up to a cobweb-covered house dressed
as a princess and said, “Trick or Treat!” to the wolf man, who had a pot of
candy on his lap. She reached inside and cried buckets when she touched the
werewolf’s warm and greasy Snickers bar, which was poking through a hole he cut
in the bottom of the pot.
Leonard awakened in the middle of the night to find hundreds
of hairy tarantulas crawling all over his naked body and sinking their fangs
into his flesh. He tried to scream for help, but one of them crawled inside his
mouth and clogged his throat.
Helgor the Barbarian wrapped his massive hands around the
goblin’s throat and watched his eyeballs bulge and his face turn bright blue.
Helgor whispered seductively into his victim’s ear, “This would be a good time
for Autoerotic Asphyxiation!”
After hours of body-shredding labor, Wendy pushed one last
time and gave birth to her baby boy. The doctor wrapped the bloody mess in a blanket
and said, “Congratulations, it’s a porcupine!”
Bethany and her husband laid naked in bed next to each other
while attempting to catch their breath. She smiled at him, licked her fingers,
and said, “I haven’t creamed that hard in a long time, Uncle Cletus!”
Tucker browsed through the doggies and kitties at the animal
shelter and had a cutesy-wutesy smile on his face the entire time. The adoption
agent approached him with a clipboard and said, “Let me know which animal you
want and I’ll be sure to send you home with a package of condoms.”
