Barney Gumble from The Simpsons vs. Bernie Marcus, the CEO of Home Depot (Rest in Piss, You Lazy Motherfucker!)

 

This Has Been a Gracie Films Presentation

 

Bart Simpson vs. Ghislaine Maxwell: If She Looks Like a Monster, It's Because She Is One

 

Luke Skywalker vs. Ashley St. Clair: Cringe Culture Must Die

 

Aladdin Is the Reason 90's Kids Grew Up Kinky

 

Mike Cernovich: Blackbelt in Keyboard Karate, Not Even a White Belt in Real Martial Arts

 

Peter Griffin vs. a Kyle Rittenhouse Pistol Polisher (Based on a Real Conversation)

 

The Brave Little Toaster vs. Greg Gutfeld

 

 

The toaster is making quite the sacrifice for all of us. He'll be a martyr for doing so.

Disconnect and Float Away

VERSE 1

Could’ve been an actor, but they never wanted me

They’d rather have a boy who doesn’t cry about sodomy

Instead of wildflowers and an Oscar or two

I dissociate and watch with a panoramic view

Let someone else fuck with the flying shield

Let Leo the Lion nip at someone else’s heels

Let the circle-eared mouse be the Speaker of the House

Let me wear a straightjacket, let them call it a blouse

CHORUS

Disconnect and float away

Fly to the same god in which you pray

Gravity may be a matter of physics

But crashing on your face is a matter of civics

VERSE 2

I hear the bootstrap rhetoric through a megaphone

But I dissociate in the comfort of my own home

Out of body experience, so I ain’t hearing this

Can’t buy a plane ticket, so it ain’t mysterious

A dick-shaped rocket can’t take me away from the discourse

Still get pissed on by the king and his horse

Send my brain into space, in a far away place

Where supernovas burn like a face full of mace

CHORUS

Disconnect and float away

Fly to the same god in which you pray

Gravity may be a matter of physics

But crashing on your face is a matter of civics

BRIDGE

Took a massive vacation from the deaths and inflation

Now the work has piled up like a crash in a train station

I could put it off until the end of my days

As long as someone else suffers and someone else pays

EXTENDED CHORUS

Disconnect and float away

Fly to the same god in which you pray

Gravity may be a matter of physics

But crashing on your face is a matter of civics

Disconnect and fly to the sun

For the time I’ve been given, it’s sure been fun

Come back to the earth, it’s a prison furlough

Freedom was nice, but I still hurt, though

My Top 10 Fantasy Creatures

A few weeks ago, Jenna Moreci made a You Tube video counting down her top ten favorite fantasy creatures. While I don’t have an Author Tube account, I do have a list of my own. So thanks, Jenna, for the inspiration…and for being an awesome author…and for being a funny You Tuber. Anyways, here’s my personal list:

1. Cabbits from Tenchi Muyo

2. Calcobrena puppets from Final Fantasy 4

3. Demon clown from The Brave Little Toaster

4. Haunted house ghost from Adventures in the Magic Kingdom

5. Luck dragon from The Never Ending Story

6. Marching hammers from Pink Floyd the Wall

7. Moogles from the Final Fantasy franchise

8. Phanto from Super Mario Brothers 2

9. Protoss zealots from Starcraft

10. Shy Guys from Super Mario Brothers 2

And for an honorable mention, I’ve got Slimer from The Real Ghostbusters since we both have bottomless stomachs and hearts of gold. ^_^

"Basil of Baker Street" by Eve Titus

BOOK TITLE: Basil of Baker Street
AUTHOR: Eve Titus
YEAR: 1958
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Children’s Mystery
GRADE: Fail

Listen…I know this is a children’s book and that certain liberties can be taken when it comes to judging the audience’s wisdom. Eve Titus didn’t have to be the second coming of David Baldacci, C.J. Box, or Brett Battles. But this kind of leniency is no excuse for insulting the intelligence of the readers. Yes, I know: Basil is a detective mouse and he’s modeled after Sherlock Holmes. To his credit, he’s got some serious deduction skills. Dawson, his assistant, could definitely learn a lot from him. While Basil does pick up on subtle clues that blend too easily in the background, there are some pieces of this mystery that aren’t so subtle, hence the insult to the readers’ intelligence and wisdom.

For example, let’s first look at the name of the kidnappers in question: The Terrible Three. Right off the bat, you know they’re the main villains of the story. And that’s really all the depth they’re given as characters. I understand that this is a short book and character development can’t always be achieved with so few pages. But please…at least TRY to make an effort at subterfuge. When we finally meet The Terrible Three, their villainy is never in doubt because of how angry and vulgar they act around other mice. If it wasn’t for the fact that their twin girl victims were missing, they could be arrested right away and there wouldn’t be a need for a story. There might not even be a kidnapping, the villains are so obvious.

And if the villains are going to send a messenger to do their dirty work, they might want to consider somebody who isn’t a nervous wreck all the time. Shuffling feet, shifting eyes, short answers, these are the telltale signs that they extorted Hawkins the sailor into delivering the ransom note. No subtlety there. In fact, I dare say that it doesn’t take a Sherlock Holmes to figure that out, much less a mouse that learns everything he knows from him.

Oh, I almost forgot about Basil. Never forget that he’s the world’s greatest mouse detective. If you need a reminder, the opening sentences of the book will tell you. Not show you. Tell you. That alone should be suspicious to a wise reader. You know what else would be? Basil being a complete Gary-Stu. He’s perfect in every way, not counting his horrendous violin playing. He only shows vulnerability once in this novella and that’s when he provokes The Terrible Three and a pack of minions into brawling with him and Dawson. Anybody want to guess how that fight turns out? Let’s see: two scrawny detectives versus a bunch of muscle-bound bruisers. Maybe Basil isn’t the brightest bulb in the drawer after all. But it was all part of a plan. Good for him. I’d hate to see what would happen if he botched that plan or if the Terrible Three and their minions were a little TOO aggressive in the brawl.

I guess I shouldn’t have had high hopes for this novella to begin with. Yes, it became a Disney movie. Yes, it has cute animals as characters instead of humans. But the writing is just plain insulting. I’m not even worried about the “wild Indian” and “good housewife” stereotypes, because those are nothing compared to a badly-written story. I can’t give this book anything more than two stars out of five. I wanted to like it, but I couldn’t. Sorry!

Incelbordination, Chapter 23

“That’s right, Oz-Man. Wipe the tide pool from your eyes for just a few seconds. You can get back to crying like a bitch once I’m done showing you something. Don’t worry, this shit will be completely G-rated. Heh, the irony!”

Wacey Judge towered over his opponents just like he always did, a fire-breathing giant among shaky villagers. The lower half of his face was hidden with a skeleton bandana, a dam from the venom spewing from his lips. His hulking chest was covered in tactical gear while his gargantuan biceps remained visible for all to see.

One unzipping of his vest later and it became clear to the fire-eyed Oswald and the trembling Sarah-Jane what Wacey’s new agenda was all about. The black T-shirt that clung to his six-pack ever so tightly had the words written on it…Incel Pride Worldwide.

“I don’t fucking believe this,” muttered Oswald. “You? Of all people? An incel? You’re a fucking meat castle! You can have any woman you want! If anybody should be wearing that shirt, it’s…”

“It’s who? You?” asked Wacey while hunching over. “Sorry, little man, but they don’t make these at the Baby Gap. I earned this shirt. I never wanted it, but it’s mine anyways. You remember that little cheap shot you gave me to the balls that one day in the gym? Well, it’s hard to be anything but celibate with a bleeding dick! You ruined me, Oswald. You took everything you could from me all over a stupid fucking joke.”

Crossing his arms and maintaining his gorgon stare, Oswald said, “Joke? The only joke I see around here is the irony of you joining a group of people who tried to have you killed. You’re a bigger meathead than I thought! It makes me wonder how the fuck you got into college in the first place. If I had grades like yours, I’d hang myself!”

“You should hang yourself anyways, little brittle. It’d be less painful than the ass-ripping I’ve got planned for you. Every incel community needs a personal trainer. I’ve got what they want. They’ve got what I want. Incelbordination doesn’t want to kill me anymore because they understand me and I understand them. Or as you faggy liberals like to say, I embraced diversity!”

Oswald tried to approach Wacey for another five finger dick punch, but Sarah-Jane held him back and pleaded with him. “Come on, Oswald, don’t do this. Let’s just get out of here and call the police.”

“Yeah, that’s right! Run on home, little boy!” Wacey taunted. “If I don’t get you today, I’ll get you tomorrow. Or maybe one of my new buddies will. You ain’t going anywhere without getting your shit kicked in. We’re Incelbordination. We’re everywhere! And besides, if you run off, who’s going to stop me from wiping my ass with that Disney blanket over there?”

Sarah-Jane’s quivering fear morphed into silent rage when she slowly stood up and approached Wacey with chest-to-chest contact. “Listen, you bastard, I don’t give a damn what you do to me, but if you defile my sister’s grave in any way, I don’t care how many muscles you have, I’ll…”

“You’ll what? Give me Chlamydia? That’s pretty much the only chance you’ve got of getting laid anyways!”

“You motherfucker!” shouted Oswald as he limped towards his target with fists close to his face.

Wacey shoved Sarah-Jane to the floor and went on the attack, kicking the dwarf in his medical boot and crumpling him to the ground in agony. While Oswald screamed and clutched his leg, the meat castle leaned down and repeatedly slapped him upside the head. “Get up! Get up, goddamn it! This shit ain’t over yet!”

Sarah-Jane scrambled across the grass on her hands and knees and took a bite out of Wacey’s cannonball calf. The muscle head yelped in pain, but not before ripping the girl off by her hair and head butting her in the forehead. The eldest Bradley sister dropped to the ground limp as a noodle and dizzy as a rollercoaster rider.

Oswald reached his hand out and yelled Sarah-Jane’s name before Wacey continuously stomped on his surgically repaired foot. The dwarf’s eyes watered like a leaky faucet while his foot crumpled and caved in with every American History X stomp. After about eight strikes, the assault was mercifully over, though mercy was clearly the last thing on Wacey’s mind as his serpentine eyes gazed down upon his weeping and agonized foe.

The gym rat removed the bandana from his face and revealed a pool of foam gathering between his gritted, ursine teeth. “Those boxing skills aren’t helping you now, are they?” No response from the screaming Oswald, just tears and pain. Through his waterfall vision, he could still see Sarah-Jane slightly awake from her head butt. Her eyes widened when Wacey grabbed the Mickey Mouse tapestry on Jessica’s grave and did the butt floss with it.

“No! Put that down! Please!” begged Sarah-Jane, but poor taste prevailed when Wacey actually stuffed the tapestry down the back of his shorts and wiped his ass with it. He even threw it at the downed sister for good measure.

Oswald knew for certain this was how his story would end: laying in a pile of blood and tears with someone who shared his cataclysm of agony. He wouldn’t slay the demon. He wouldn’t get the girl. He wouldn’t have justice of any kind. The only way this could be worse for him was if it happened in a McDonald’s bathroom covered in shit and piss. Wacey growled at Oswald as he leaned down and raised his fist, prepared to do the honors of killing Incelbordination’s greatest foe.

“Wacey Everett Judge! Put your fucking hands in the air and turn around to face me!” shouted a familiar-sounding detective. “Do it or you’re getting a third nostril!” Slowly but surely, Wacey obeyed the instructions given to him by a shotgun-toting Mia Barry. Oswald would have smiled, but his face hurt worse than his foot from all the crying and screaming. “You think Incelbordination is everywhere? Well, so are we! Your fearless leader Antero left behind a digital footprint as big as your empty head!”

“I’ll leave a footprint right in your fucking skull, you little bitch!” shouted Wacey as he charged over to Mia knowing he had nothing left to lose. Sure enough, the suicide by cop was complete. Once Wacey got too close for comfort, Mia pulled the trigger on her shotgun and splattered the jock’s head all over Jessica’s grave and Oswald’s body. Wacey’s sculpted headless body plopped over and leaked all over the shit-stained Disney blanket.

Mia dropped her shotgun and cradled Oswald’s head in her lap. “I’m so glad I found you when I did.” She pulled out her radio and called for medical attention for both Oswald and Sarah-Jane. “Don’t worry, we’re going to get you fixed up.”

“My foot…my goddamn foot! It hurts!” moaned Oswald.

“Listen to me. It’ll be alright. I know you’re in a lot of pain, but there’s something else I need to tell you. You need to go into witness protection after your surgery.” The dwarf’s burning, watery eyes lit up like a neon sign at that revelation. “Incelbordination is going to keep hunting you down until they kill you. You were responsible for Antero’s downfall. That means they want blood. I’m sorry, Oswald. You can’t be here anymore. You’re going to have a new name, a new identity, and a new place to live.”

“No, you can’t take him away!” begged Sarah-Jane while tugging at Mia’s arm.

“It’s okay, Sarah-Jane, it’s okay!” insisted Oswald. “There’s nothing left for me to do here. This town can do without me. I’ll be alright no matter where I go. You know why? Because people like you make me believe that.”

“Are…are…are you sure?” wept the eldest Bradley sister.

“I’m positive,” said Oswald with a sad smile. “I can’t keep fighting Incelbordination forever. My foot can’t handle it. My body can’t handle it. My mind sure as shit can’t handle it. I swear I’ll be okay. You’ll be okay too. Everyone will be okay. You just have to trust Detective Barry. She knows what the hell she’s doing.”

A beat of uncomfortable silence hung between all three parties. And then Sarah-Jane leaned her face closer to Oswald and kissed his burning red forehead. “I know we don’t know each other that well, but… I want you to take that with you wherever they decide to put you. Thank you for everything, Oswald. I won’t forget you.”

“I won’t forget you either…I can’t even forget seeing a headless version of Wacey. No matter where I go, I will conquer. Fairytales don’t just tell us that dragons are real. They tell us that dragons can be beaten. I can do this…I believe in myself…I never though I’d hear myself say those words…”

Incelbordination, Chapter 22

Now that Oswald’s eyes had been wrung completely dry and his heart was shattered and glued back together multiple times, the final piece of the puzzle involved the bouquet of roses he cradled in his little arms. Where Tuomas Magnus had none, somebody else would inherit these fragrant, gorgeous red roses. Oswald took an extra sniff of them as if to mask the sadness crippling him from the inside. By the time he made it to the graveyard, somebody was already there paying tribute.

Kneeling and praying over Jessica Bradley’s grave was a redheaded woman who looked old enough to be her sister. Whoever she was, she delicately laid a Disney tapestry over the gravestone to go with the rest of the flowers mourners had sent. Jessica loved Disney movies. The Mickey Mouse heads on the tapestry were a lovely touch. The tears in this mystery woman’s eyes hydrated the grass beneath while her sobs were only heard by the most delicate ears.

The woman turned around and wiped the wetness from her face. “Sorry, I didn’t see you back there until now.”

“No problem,” said Oswald with a face longer than his body. He limped over to Jessica’s grave and gently laid his bouquet of roses underneath the Mickey Mouse tapestry. The little guy sighed as he tried to suppress his tears, though they wouldn’t be completely out of place in a setting like this.

“So…how did you know my sister?” asked the young lady.

Not wanting to let on how they actually met, Oswald said in his most genuine tone, “We were friends. She taught me how to come out of my shell.”

The woman smiled as she wiped her face yet again. “I wish people would remember her for that instead of what she had to go through. It’s not her fault at all. I just…I just wish I could have done something about it.”

At the risk of being unfairly labeled a perv, Oswald made the first move when he placed his hand on the sister’s shoulder. “Whatever happened between you and Jessica, it’s not your fault.”

The sister gave an alarmed look at Oswald’s hand, but not for the reason the little guy thought. “What happened to your knuckles?”

“It’s a long story, one that I’m not quite ready to tell just yet. But this isn’t about me. It’s about you and your sister. I came here to pay my respects. I just wish there were more roses surrounding her grave.”

Without warning, the sister hugged Oswald and soaked his shoulders with an even greater abundance of tears. Being overwhelmed by all of this emotion wore off eventually when Oswald hugged her back. He wasn’t about to get into the semantics of hugging a complete stranger when he himself just came from a cuddle therapy session with someone named Kristen Jealous.

Once the sorrowful embrace broke, the sister said, “Sorry, where are my manners? My name is Sarah-Jane.”

“I’m Oswald. Nice to meet you.”

Sarah-Jane smiled as the two of them shook hands. “That’s an unusual name.”

“My full name is Oswald Roman Crow. My initials spell ORC.”

Sarah-Jane giggled. “That’s funny. My mom’s name is also Sarah-Jane, but her maiden name was Walter. So her initials used to spell SJW.”

The two of them shared a laugh together and hugged once again. “You see this?” said Oswald. “This is what life should be about: two people sharing a laugh and having fun together.”

“I could have told you that. I just wish I could have told Jessica that before she decided to…do what she did. I don’t think she ever got enough love back home. Heh, if that’s not the understatement of the year, I don’t know what the hell is.”

Knowing that the waters were properly tested, Oswald took his affectionate ways a step further by squeezing Sarah-Jane’s shoulders. This was so well received that she turned around and sat on her butt to get the full effect of the shoulder rub. “It’s been a while since I’ve had one of these. Are you sure your hands aren’t hurting? Those knuckles look like…”

Cutting her off, Oswald said, “It’s alright, I swear. My fists have been through worse.”

“Really now?” asked Sarah-Jane. “Seriously, what happened to your fists? I know you said this trip was all about Jessica and all, but I legitimately want to know.”

Oswald sighed and tucked his head, but never stopped squeezing Sarah-Jane’s shoulders. “I don’t even remember how long ago this happened, but there was a terrorist attack on campus. I’m sure you probably heard about it in the media and hopefully secondhand information is all you have. I experienced this shit firsthand. The reason I have scarred knuckles is because I punched down a glass door to rescue someone. She swears I’m a hero, but I don’t feel like one right now. Some days I feel like I’ve done more harm than good.”

“Risking your life to save someone else’s doesn’t sound very cowardly to me. I think you should get a medal just for that.”

The little guy stopped the massage and patted Sarah-Jane’s shoulders. “They don’t give out medals to people who are unfairly suspected of being part of the group that attacked our school.”

“That’s fucked up.”

“Yeah, tell me about it.”

Sarah-Jane spun around and tenderly gripped Oswald’s shoulders. “The fact that you came by to leave roses on my sister’s grave is honorable enough on its own. Society doesn’t normally give two shits about teenage prostitutes. They’re all about saving the children, but when they need help the most, society turns their backs. So much for law and order.”

“Why do you blame yourself for your sister’s death?”

“Because I don’t even live in this city. I live a few counties over and…” The tears returned. “I didn’t even know what was happening to her. I had a career of my own, but I couldn’t even find the time to pick up the damn phone and send her a text message? I could have saved her, Oswald. If I didn’t live so far away…”

Oswald placed a fingertip on Sarah-Jane’s lips and said, “Enough. Like you said, you didn’t even know what was going on with her until now. There was nothing you could have done. There was nothing I or anybody else could have done either. If you want justice for her, then use your voice. I know that sounds cliché, but it’s true. It took me a while to learn that and I’m still slowly learning more about it…but if you want someone to help you with this…I’m here for you.”

“You just met me a few minutes ago, Oswald. How can you possibly want to help me now?”

“Because…if I do nothing, then things will only get worse. I’ve played the role of bystander and I’ve also played the role of fuck-up. I want to do good things with my life from now on and if that means helping you through this dark time, then so be it.”

Sarah-Jane cupped Oswald’s face in her hands. “You’re a sweet guy. I don’t know you that well, but you’re a sweet guy. And you’re a teddy bear, too.”

The two of them smiled while Oswald’s face reddened at the teddy bear comment. Their faces were only inches away from each other. It only seemed right. Was Oswald ready to make that next move or would this be considered too desperate? Could he do the unthinkable and…kiss her? The thought made his hands sweat and his throat dry. This woman was hurting enough as it was. He didn’t need to make things worse with a kiss. But then Sarah-Jane pulled her face even closer and…

“Oh-ho-ho-ho….he-he-he…ha-ha-ha…and I thought MY jokes were bad,” said a familiar husky voice as a behemoth of a man cast his shadow over Oswald and Sarah-Jane, completely breaking up their loving moment.

Miss Bradley’s breathing quickened while Oswald’s was deeper and hoarser. The little guy clenched his fists, furrowed his brows, and tightened his teeth. “Wacey…this is neither the time nor the place for your sick and twisted bullshit. We’re in a graveyard, for shit’s sake!”

“Oh, I think this is the perfect time and place for this, little guy. We ARE in a graveyard. The only thing that’s missing is a tombstone with your name on it. Who knows? Maybe I’ll carve one for your newfound girlfriend over here.”

Space Jockey

VERSE 1

Let’s go to Mars and drive flying cars

The whole desert planet is all but ours

Don’t worry about the lack of oxygen

Rise from the dead and then walk again

Open armed greeting from the Martians

Sweetheart deal, one hell of a bargain

Never mind that they shoot with ray guns

Or the gravity feels like hauling eight tons

CHORUS

Come on, space jockey! Come on, space jockey!

Dance in the moonlight and play tonsil hockey

Come on, space jockey! Come on, space jockey!

Never mind that this shit is way too damn cocky

VERSE 2

Let’s try to hook up with Faye Valentine

Give her a ring and ask, “Will you be mine?”

Let’s go on adventures with Spike Spiegel

Fly through space like an American eagle

Let’s catch bounty heads, be broke anyways

Just like on earth, same old shit every day

This isn’t all just arrogant wish fulfillment

We’re a fucking team and we always kill it

EXTENDED CHORUS 1

Come on, space jockey! Come on, space jockey!

Dance in the moonlight and play tonsil hockey

Come on, space jockey! Come on, space jockey!

Never mind that this shit is way too damn cocky

See you, space cowboy! See you, space cowboy!

Fill your heart with carbon dioxide and pure joy

May the force be with you, my Jedi knight!

Let’s have a light saber battle on Mars tonight

BILL MAHER QUOTE

Fuck Mars! Make Earth Great Again!

VERSE 3

Burning fossil fuels and killing the planet

Cutting down jungles so the rich can have it

Rinse and repeat on the planet of Mars

Control C, control V, drive flying cars

This ain’t the Jetsons, it’s the real world

On Planet Mars our flag shall not unfurl

It doesn’t take Yoda to figure it out

No such surface will you breathe in and out

EXTENDED CHORUS 2

Live long and prosper, you sons of bitches!

This conspiracy theory leaves me in stitches

I am Groot, motherfuckers! I am Groot!

Space colonization will not bear fruit

I’m Buzz Lightyear! I come in peace!

Then maybe this madness will finally cease

Come on, space jockey! Come on, space jockey!

The atmosphere is dead, the land is rocky

FINAL LYRICS

Fuck Mars! X4

Disneylodeon

“Good morning, members of the press and those of you watching at home. My name is Albert G. Briscoe and I’m the CEO of Disneylodeon Productions. As many of you have already seen in the mainstream media, certain allegations have been levied against me and my organization. I’m here to tell each and every one of you that these allegations are far from true. Our mission here at Disneylodeon is to provide quality entertainment the whole family can enjoy, none of which includes exploitation of any kind. Our actors and production crew are treated fairly and equally. They are paid livable wages and they work in a comfortable environment.”

“Bullshit!” shouted a Hungarian-accented man before cocking his assault rifle. The journalists in the audience scattered about like cockroaches, screaming and cowering against the wall. “Shut up!” the terrorist shouted. “Shut the fuck up!” No screams, only quivering lips and whiny moans.

The only one who wasn’t screaming or running was Albert Briscoe himself, who remained seated at the stage behind his table and microphone. His middle-aged face told the perfect story of guilt and stoicism. He brushed his silver hair back and said, “I bet the shareholders aren’t going to like this.”

The Hungarian pulled his trench coat hood back and revealed his long bearded, bald headed mug to the CEO of Disneylodeon. “The shareholders aren’t going to like shit. But they’re the least of your worries, Mr. Briscoe. Right now you’re looking down the barrel of an AK-fucking-47. If you don’t give me what I want, you’re not going to be looking at shit with a face full of slugs.”

“Who are you?” asked Albert with his hands folded and his attitude calm.

“Vladek Bathory,” the gunner answered. “That last name should sound very familiar to you, Mr. Briscoe. My daughter was the lead actress on one of your shows. I’ve seen just about all I want to see of her in those slutty outfits and bare fucking feet.”

Holding his hands up defensively, Albert said, “Listen, Mr. Bathory, I don’t have that much control over my own directors. I’m just a corporate guy. If you have any grievances against my directors, you should take it up with them.”

“Such a perfect portrait of leadership, throwing your own guys under the bus like that,” said Vladek as he stalked closer to Albert. His hawkish eyes pinpointed on the CEO’s throat, which just engulfed an eight-ball sized lump of saliva. “You’re not fooling anybody. You can sweet talk these journalists all you want, but I want something a little more.” Vladek edged close enough to point the barrel right against Albert’s nose. “You’d better own up to your sins, boss man.”

“Look, Mr. Bathory, I just told you, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Albert with progressively fast speech. “This is out of my hands. I just do corporate work, that’s it.”

“So basically what you’re telling me is that you’re about as useful as steak sauce in India?” asked Vladek rhetorically. When Albert’s face became too frozen in fear to speak up, the gunner smashed the barrel across his nose and splattered blood all over the microphone. The CEO screamed and held his jacket sleeve against the wound, drenching it in a flood of violence.

Vladek grabbed Albert’s tie and yanked him by the neck over the table, sending him crashing to the carpeted floor coughing and wheezing. The Hungarian pressed the barrel against Albert’s cheekbone and belted, “If you’re really that fucking useless, I have no reason to keep you alive!”

“No, wait! Wait! Don’t shoot me! Please don’t fucking shoot me!” begged Albert with a nasally voice. “I can get you the producer who was in charge of your daughter’s TV show! I just need to access my phone, that’s all!”

“Bullshit!” snapped Vladek before smashing the butt of his gun against Albert’s cheek, causing even more pathetic screams of pain. “Like I’m going to let you just call the police and have this all be for naught! You think I’m a fucking idiot, Mr. Briscoe?! Huh?! You think you’re going to get off that easily?! Nobody’s coming to save you or your precious journalists! The TV and radio signals are jammed, including the cameras in this fucking studio! You’ve been talking to a brick wall this whole time!”

“Please don’t shoot me! I have a wife and daughter at home! They need me!” pleaded Albert with his hands together prayer style.

“Oh, now wives and daughters are important to you!” yelled Vladek when he pressed the barrel against Albert’s throat. He could feel another lump going down the CEO’s gullet and pressing against the gun. “They weren’t important to you before, but now that they’re yours, they’re suddenly bigger than Jesus fucking Christ himself!” Vladek leaned into Albert’s heavily panting face and whispered throatily, “Let me ask you something: are your wife and daughter into the kind of perverted shit you put on television? Does your wife like bare feet? Does your daughter like showing off her sexy soles to complete strangers on TV?!”

“It’s not like that, Mr. Bathory! You’re blowing this way out of proportion!”

“I’ll blow your head out of proportion if you don’t give me a confession!” To show he wasn’t fucking around, Vladek pulled out his smart phone and mounted it on the end of his AK-47. “Stand up, dickhead! Move!” Albert quickly obliged, allowing his nose to drip slowly and painfully. “Now then…with the whole world watching and not just your fucking shareholders…I want you to look into my phone and confess that Disneylodeon is a pervert’s paradise. You’ve got foot fetishes up to yin-yang, you’ve got naked teenagers parading their bodies around, and you’ve got producers and directors getting their jollies off in the background!”

Albert stared down on the floor and took a huge breath, slowly bringing his bloodshot eyes to Vladek’s phone to make the announcement the whole world has been waiting for. “My name is Albert Briscoe…I am the CEO of Disneylodeon…our directors and producers…are a bunch…are a bunch of….I can’t do this…no, wait, wait, wait!...Our directors and producers are foot fetishists and pedophiles. It’s plain to see in the TV-G shows we air on our network…But even more apparent than that…is the raging bulge in Vladek Bathory’s pants!”

“What the?!” shouted Vladek as he looked down at his crotch to see there was indeed a large mass forming.

The lengthy tube steak snapped in half upon contact with Albert’s swift loafer-wearing foot. The Hungarian dropped his assault rifle and doubled over in pain while screaming like his daughter would have in the same situation. Albert rushed to grab the assault rifle and pointed it at the wounded terrorist. “You see that, everyone?!” Mr. Briscoe shouted. “That was an example of the many feet we like to put on the air! And now for the first time in the history of this company, Disneylodeon’s programming will be rated TV-MA for violence! Lots and lots of VIOLENCE!”

That last word was punctuated with Albert unleashing a barrage of bullets into the now bloody and splattered body of Vladek Bathory. The life juices splashed all over Albert’s Armani suit, but the bulging rage in his eyes suggested that was the last thing in the world he was angry over. Journalists stormed out of the building screaming and crying while a familiar face came running inside to kneel by her fallen father.

“Daddy!” the teenaged actress shouted. “Daddy! What happened?!” She cradled her father’s shattered skull in her arms and rocked back and forth while bawling like a baby.

“Who do you think you’re calling daddy, young lady?!” shouted Albert as he pointed the assault rifle at the actress, who gazed up at him with flooding eyes and quivering lips. “From now on, baby girl, you’re going to be calling ME daddy! And if you think your hypocrite ex-father was good with a gun…you should know…I don’t shoot blanks either!” Albert winked at the end of that last sentence before chuckling evilly at the sorrowful girl on the ground.

“You’re a monster, Albert!” sobbed the girl as she wiped her tears and snot away with her bare arm. “You’re a goddamn monster!”

“Monster? Really?” said Albert. “This isn’t about being a monster, honey. This is about business. This is about the American way. And right now…business is booming! When you see your father in hell, be sure to tell him I said thanks for making my shareholders happy!”

Lady and the Tramp

MOVIE TITLE: Lady and the Tramp

DIRECTORS: Hamilton Luske, Wilfred Jackson, and Clyde Geronimi

YEAR: 1955

GENRE: Children’s Animation

RATING: G

GRADE: Extra Credit

Christmas has arrived in a quaint middle class town and Jim Dear gives his wife Darling a Cocker Spaniel puppy named Lady as a gift. Lady forms friendships with the other neighborhood dogs and needs them the most when Jim Dear and Darling ignore her during Darling’s pregnancy. Among the neighborhood dogs is a homeless drifter named Tramp, who shows Lady how to have a good time and live adventurously. With devious Siamese cats, authoritative dog catchers, and a nasty Aunt Sarah as her antagonists, Lady gladly goes on romantic getaways with Tramp, but also feels a sense of duty to protect Jim Dear and Darling’s newborn son. Will Lady ever find the acceptance she needs?

I’m not going to lie: I came close to crying several times during this movie. That’s right: a grown man almost cried to a Disney movie. Sue me. Jim Dear and Darling’s cold behavior towards Lady in the beginning is one of the catalysts for sure. The choir of locked up doggies at the pound singing and howling their hearts out reminded me of what my elderly dog Maggie does when she gets lonely and confused. Aunt Sarah blaming Lady for a mess her stupid Siamese cats made got my blood boiling, especially when Sarah decides to put a muzzle on Lady shortly thereafter. Any further divulging of information will result in spoilers, but I will say that listening to Lady crying alone in her doghouse was nearly the breaking point for me and the floodgates protecting my eyeballs. Damn you, Disney. Damn you!

Such a tear-jerking reaction can only come from an audience who cares deeply about the characters the awful things are happening to. Unless you have a heart of stone, you damn well should care about the neighborhood puppies. They’re cute, they’re bouncy, they’re friendly and lovable, and they’re worthy of getting infinite belly rubs and an endless supply of puppy burgers from McDonald’s. Just picture how happy one of these dogs would be if you took him to McDonald’s for a plain McDouble. Actually, you don’t have to picture it for long, because there’s always that infamous scene where Lady and Tramp eat a plate of spaghetti together. The fact that Tony the Italian restaurant owner cares enough about dogs to feed them his finest cuisine is heartwarming to me. Aunt Sarah should be taking notes. Puppy-duppies want delicious food, not muzzles.

If you’re an animal lover like I am, don’t pass up an opportunity to watch this Disney classic. If nothing else, it’ll make you appreciate your pets more. If they’re feeling lonely or confused, give them pettings and love. Treat them to a nice cuisine every once and a while. Snuggle with them. Let them sleep on your bed and curl up by your pillow. Animals don’t have a long lifespan, so it’s important that we make every moment with them count. A happy animal means a happy owner and a happy owner will feel the dams breaking when he buys a copy of Lady and the Tramp. An extra credit grade will go to this super sweet classic!

Moana

MOVIE TITLE: Moana

DIRECTORS: Ron Clements and John Musker

YEAR: 2016

GENRE: Children’s Animation

RATING: G

GRADE: Pass

In ancient Polynesia, the demigod Maui steals a gem from the island goddess, unwittingly causing a lava demon to rise from the sea and spread a disease across the islands. Motunui is the latest target of this blight when its crops and fishes are dying rapidly. A future chieftain girl named Moana must now sail across the ocean and convince Maui to return the stolen gem to the island goddess. When Maui’s arrogance and Moana’s stubbornness clash, the quest to save the world becomes jeopardized. But the more time this unlikely team spends together, the more they get used to each other’s company, giving them a better chance of righting Maui’s wrongs.

Seeing as how Maui is a muscular human with a barbed wit and heroic athleticism, it only makes sense that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson provides his voice. Fans of WWE know how good of a trash talker he was and fans of his Hollywood resume know how much of a warrior he can be. Whether he’s a WWE champion, a GI Joe soldier with a chain gun, an FBI agent with an insanely fast car, or a self-centered demigod with a magical fish hook that’s bigger than he is, The Rock is a certified stud no matter what role he takes. He’s energetic, he’s hilarious, and he never misses a beat. I wouldn’t want anybody else taking the role of Maui. It just wouldn’t be right. The Rock’s performance is dead-on and justifiable of his million dollar salary.

Another thing I enjoyed about this movie was the environmental overtones. Yes, the fantasy elements such as the mystical gem and the lava monster don’t fit in with modern day politics, but the message is still the same: treat mother earth with respect and she’ll give you everything you’ve ever wanted. If you take too much from her or abuse her in any way, you’re going to feel her wrath. Only take as many fish as you need, plant crops with abundance, and keep the animals and plant-life safe. It’s a simple message that doesn’t get heard enough. Think of Moana as a Disney-animated fantasy version of a Carl Hiaasen novel. Sure, Mr. Hiaasen’s novels don’t have lava monsters, but sometimes the worst monsters are the more realistic ones, like humans.

The final thing I want to touch on is the beauty of the Polynesian world in which Disney created. The clear blue water of the ocean looks like a lot of fun to drink and swim in. The palm tree forests and sandy beaches are vacation-worthy, which is funny considering I watched this movie on a Mexican cruise ship. The character designs are also lovable whether it’s the overly stupid chicken Heihei, the cuddly piggy baby that lives on Moana’s island, or even the gigantic gold and jewel-encrusted crab who’s holding Maui’s magical fishhook hostage. This is a world I wouldn’t mind living in despite the blight spreading across the islands. I would go swimming every day and eat fish until the end of time. Maybe I would even cuddle with Heihei and the piggy. Aww!

Moana is a beautifully executed movie with more high points than I’m capable of listing in this short review. If you like strong female characters, you’ll love the title protagonist. If you like beautiful scenery, you’ll love this movie as a whole. If you love comedic conversations, look no further than Dwayne Johnson and his portrayal of Maui. I would be hard pressed to find a single flaw within this movie. Yes, I know this movie has received a lot of criticism from the Polynesian community, but I prefer to enjoy a good movie instead of dwell in negativity. A passing grade goes to this lovely piece of children’s cinema!

The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh

MOVIE TITLE: The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh

DIRECTORS: John Lounsbery and Wolfgang Reitherman

YEAR: 1977

GENRE: Children’s Animation

RATING: G

GRADE: Extra Credit

In the Hundred Acre Woods, a stuffed bear named Winnie the Pooh goes on cute adventures with his many animal friends and his human master Christopher Robin. Whether Pooh-Bear wants some honey to eat or is trying to find shelter from a windstorm or a flood, he always brings his childlike charm and naïve thinking to every event in the story. His equally cute and cuddly friends are the depressed donkey Eeyore, the energetic and bouncy Tigger, the green-thumbed Rabbit, the delightfully wise Owl, the tiny stuttering Piglet, the hardworking constructor Gopher, and the flower-loving Kanga and Roo. Children of all ages can bask in their innocence at these cuddly mini-stories and grow up to be loving adults.

I cannot emphasize enough how insanely cute this movie is except for by giving it an extra credit grade. Whenever I watch Pooh-Bear eat honey, play with his friends, or just be his silly self, it makes me want to cuddle with stuffed or real animals of my own. Tigger’s hyperactivity, mitten-like paws, and joyful singing also make me want to cuddle with animal cuties. There isn’t one character in this movie who doesn’t warm my insides like a freshly baked apple pie (with honey drizzled on it, of course). Even the bees that swarm on Pooh for trying to steal their honey have their cute moments, particularly with their character designs and high-pitched voices. And who could forget all the laugh-inducing times when Gopher fell into his hole in the ground…over and over again. This kind of cuteness overload will set the tone for children later in life when they have kids of their own or adopt pets. Love is a universal language that can be taught with movies like Winnie the Pooh.

Another thing I’ll always enjoy about this movie is Sterling Holloway’s vocal performance as Pooh-Bear. He was always known for having a nasally rasp voice with a hint of baritone. Mr. Holloway has used this same voice to play characters like Amos Mouse in “Ben and Me” and Hiss from “Robin Hood”, two Disney classics. Hearing this sweet and innocent voice makes me glad that Holloway’s successor, Jim Cummings, decided to keep the tradition going when playing Winnie the Pooh in future movies. It even warms my heart to know that Mr. Cummings uses his Pooh voice to comfort sick children in hospitals. Is this another example of how the movie can teach love and friendship at such a young age? Why, I’d like to think so! Of course, Sterling Holloway isn’t with us anymore, but his contributions to the Disney universe will never be forgotten.

Just like with all good things, this movie must eventually come to an end at the 74 minute mark. How does one wrap up a series of short stories known for bringing happy emotions to an entire generation? By having Christopher Robin grow up, of course. While only a year has passed since the events of the movie, little Christopher eventually has to go to school and get good grades. Not all children end up having fond memories of school, whether it’s because of difficult assignments, harsh teachers, or bully students. The movie put us all at ease with the conversation Christopher had with Pooh-Bear. They talked about growing old together and always being friends no matter what life throws at them. One way or another, Christopher Robin will never forget where he came from and will always come back to the Hundred Acre Woods…even when he’s a hundred years old and moving around on a walker. How old will Pooh be? Ninety-nine. “Silly old bear!”

Let this be a lesson to all of the adults reading this review: never forget the love you experienced as a child and always take those positive memories into the future with you. Even if you grew up with harsher circumstances, know that someone out there loves and cares for you. Someone out there will be your Pooh-Bear. If you have to go to the Humane Society for a basket of Pooh-Bears known as kittens, what are you waiting for? You’re never too old to acknowledge cuteness when you see it. Age-consciousness is for suckers.

Ben and Me

MOVIE TITLE: Ben and Me

DIRECTOR: Hamilton Luske

YEAR: 1953

GENRE: Children’s Animation

RATING: G

GRADE: Pass

In 1745 colonial America, Amos Mouse leaves home to try and find work, but gets stuck in frozen weather with nothing to eat and very little money to spend. He takes shelter in a printing shop owned by soon-to-be American Revolutionary Benjamin Franklin, who has only twenty-four hours to pay his rent at the threat of being evicted. Amos earns Ben’s trust by helping him invent bifocal glasses, the Franklin Stove, and the Pennsylvania Gazette. Their friendship becomes strained when Ben’s electrical experiments endanger Amos’s wellbeing, which is especially damning considering war between the colonies and England is on the horizon. Can they mend fences long enough to bring peace to what will eventually become the United States of America?

While Disney movies tend to stretch the truth when it comes to history, it’s still fascinating to see Ben Franklin’s various achievements throughout the cartoon. The scene where he and Amos are printing copies of the Pennsylvania Gazette is interesting just to see how printing presses worked in those days with individual letter blocks, a tube of ink, and a giant stamp. In Pennsylvania weather, it’s also refreshing to see just how effective the Franklin Stove is at bringing heat to the shop (after they run the smoke up the chimney, of course). I’ve never worn glasses before, but in 1745 when technology was in its infancy, it’s good to know that Ben has his bifocal glasses for getting work done and going outside. These inventions were enough to pay Ben’s bills and strengthen the bond between himself and Amos. I like seeing those kinds of stories.

I know about this movie because I watched it all the time as a small child with my mother. Because I was that little, I found certain aspects of the movie funny that may have been overlooked by others. The first comedic moment happened when Ben Franklin sneezed on Amos and broke his reading glasses. The way he sounded always tickled my brain. The same thing is true when Ben ran into a street post and knocked his three-cornered hat over: the sound of his scream had me rolling on the floor. Amos had a strange moment of comedy as well. When he’s helping Ben print copies of the Gazette, he ends up with a giant Y on his shirt after being stamped onto the letter blocks. The music they played near the end of that scene with the dramatic violins helped get the giggles out of me too. You know you’ve had a happy childhood when you can laugh at silly things like that and never question them until you’re all grown up.

Then there was a moment of the movie that scared me as a kid. It was the scene where Ben was flying his kite in stormy weather and Amos gets electrocuted by lightning. The screams of “Ben!” coming from the little mousy pie were disturbing to me, especially since Amos was voiced by the same guy who did Winnie the Pooh twenty-four years later. Imagine if that had been innocent little Pooh fixated to the kite with a metal tip near the top. It would break the sweetie bear’s little heart. Amos, on the other hand, was madder than hell and rightfully so. As an adult, I question Ben’s judgment as to why he needed Amos on the kite in the first place. Zapping the mouse in the tail with a printing press is one thing, but this is a lightning storm we’re talking about. He could have killed the little guy, though he didn’t because this is a G-rated movie. What if Amos/Pooh didn’t have the G-rating to protect him? Then what?

While this movie didn’t bring me good grades in high school history classes, it was a great deal of entertainment for me as a little guy growing up in the late 80’s and early 90’s. Small children aren’t expected to take history seriously, not until they’re old enough to go to school. They don’t care if a mouse helped Ben Franklin through times of war. They’re just happy to see the little guy and hear his Winnie the Pooh voice. Thank you, Ben and Me, for being my little piece of childhood heaven. I still appreciate it as an adult, especially since I’m not particularly age-conscious. The fact that I even looked this movie up on You Tube shows that I don’t care about age expectations. How does a passing grade sound?

Zootopia

MOVIE TITLE: Zootopia

DIRECTORS: Byron Howard and Rich Moore

YEAR: 2016

GENRE: Children’s Animation

RATING: PG for comic mischief

GRADE: Extra Credit

In a world where anthropomorphic animals reign, little bunny Judy Hops dreamed of being a Zootopia police officer and making a difference ever since she was a little kid. Everyone from her carrot farming parents to a wise cracking fox named Nick told her that her dreams were worthless and settling for less was the only way to live. Even as a meter maid, Judy is determined to prove that no dream is too far out of reach and any case is solvable. She even decides to go rogue and solve a case involving fourteen missing predators without help from her fellow police cohorts. It starts out as simple lead following (and conning Nick) and evolves into a conspiracy that affects the entire animal kingdom.

When giving this movie high praise, one must point out the elephant in the room. No, not the one with the trunk and tusks. I’m talking about the themes of prejudice and police corruption. In the real world, it means non-white criminals will be given stiffer penalties than white ones despite the severity and circumstances of the crime. In the world of Zootopia, it’s the same racial clash, but with predators and prey. Predators are labeled as savages and criminals while the preys are labeled as automatically innocent and sweet. The makers of this movie were obviously trying to teach younger viewers a lesson in loving and accepting each other despite our differences. It’s an admirable lesson and an important one in today’s modern age with the Ferguson, Missouri and NYPD cases serving as black eyes to American society. Using cute and cuddly animals helps ease the pain enough for small children to digest the message without being disturbed.

The other message of the movie is to never give up on your hopes and dreams no matter how tough things get. As someone who aspires to be a professional author in a tightly competitive market, I always love it when this message is sent loud and clear. Judy Hops appreciated it too since overcoming obstacles is her strongest feature. She’s a teeny-tiny bunny rabbit in a world of hulking buffalos and rhinos. If she can make it in Zootopia, she can make it anywhere. Settling for less seems like a good survival strategy, but surviving isn’t the same as actually living. Walking about like a zombie to a stressful job isn’t healthy and shouldn’t be encouraged by any authority figure.

I mentioned that the animals were cute and cuddly, right? Well, it’s not just a great way to attack the theme of prejudice, but it’s also a good for getting those cutesy-wutesy emotions out in the open. I have tons of cats and two lovable dogs living with me, so I know how important it is to show them love and affection. One of my favorite things to call an animal is a “pie”. Sometimes I’ll attach it on the end of my pets’ names. My Springer Spaniel Bassett Hound mix is called Maggie-Pie. My little Schipperke is called Willem-Pie. The elderly brown kitty that’s currently sleeping on my bed with new age music in the background is called Smokey-Pie. Yes, I know animals aren’t actually dessert pastries, but they don’t seem to mind the affection. In fact, they welcome it. So would it be too out of line if I called the characters Judy-Pie and Nicky-Pie? They’d probably take it as species profiling, but they’ll come around once they get their belly rubs.

Despite the fact that this is a PG-rated Disney movie, it’s one all age groups should see. There are so many reasons to love it, including ones I haven’t outlined in this review. I don’t want to outline too much, because that would lead to spoilers and spoilers take the motivation away. Go buy a ticket and see this wonderful movie in the theaters. If not, you could wait for it to come out on Blu-Ray, DVD, and digital format. If you’re not smiling and giddy by the time this movie is over, check your pulse. Five stars for a movie that was more than just a lovey-dovey parading of animals. It’s a movie that keeps hope alive even after crushing politics leave us all desolate and depressed.