Peter Griffin vs. a Kyle Rittenhouse Pistol Polisher (Based on a Real Conversation)

 

Herbert the Pervert from Family Guy vs. Matt Rife

 

Ted

MOVIE TITLE: Ted

DIRECTOR: Seth MacFarlane

YEAR: 2012

GENRE: Comedy

RATING: R for language, violence, and sexual content

GRADE: Pass

If you’ve watched any Seth MacFarlane cartoons over the years, you know exactly what you’re going to get from anything else he does: crude jokes, ridiculous fight scenes, pop culture references galore, and a belly full of laughs by the time you’re done watching. You’ll get everything you’ve come to know and love when you watch Ted, except this time without a TV-14 restriction holding Seth MacFarlane back. Oh sure, it starts out as an innocent friendship between a boy and his stuffed bear. But the bear has to eventually grow up too, which pretty much gives him a license to engage in whatever degenerate behavior he wants whether it’s snorting cocaine, beating people up, or having sex in the produce section of a grocery store. The whole movie is full of over-the-top moments made even funnier when they come from a Peter Griffin-sounding teddy bear. Growing up is overrated. Thunder buddies for life!

And because this is a Seth MacFarlane production, that means a lot of the jokes are going to be politically incorrect. And you know what? Even watching this in the present day, I don’t care! The more offensive, the better, I say. At least these disgusting jokes have substance to them. And hey, as long as it gets a laugh from the audience, all bets are off. Seth MacFarlane knows what he’s doing when it comes to comedy. None of the jokes come off as lazy or ham-fisted. It’s not like he scrolls through 4Chan every day just to dig up new material. He doesn’t need to do that. He’s got enough talent on his own whether he’s joking about taboo subjects or not. I won’t spoil any of the jokes here in this review, because I want you to watch the movie for yourself and enjoy the experience with a fresh and open mind. If you can watch Family Guy until the end of time, I think you can handle Ted just fine.

But do you know what’s even more unsettling than raunchy humor? Donny and his son Robert, two of Ted’s “biggest fans”. And by biggest fans, I mean obsessive serial killers and torturers who stalk Ted everywhere he goes. If you took Donny and Robert and put them in any other genre of movie, they could be convincing villains all the same. They’re deranged, abusive, creepy, controlling, manipulative, and pretty much any other adjective that will make you want to turn and run. Yes, Robert is a little on the chubby side and can’t run very fast, but trust me, you can’t get far enough away from that psychopath or his father. I jumped for joy when Mark Wahlberg’s character punched Robert in the face and knocked him out cold. But can he do the same to Donny? I’ll just leave that question hanging for as long as your anxiety will allow it.

Yes, this movie is a comedy that’s not meant to be taken seriously, but there is a good story in here about love and friendship. There are lessons to be learned underneath all of the belly laughs. Is it really necessary to “grow up”? Is one friend really more important than the other? Should friendship come easier for lonely kids? Not to sound too philosophical over a Seth MacFarlane movie, but getting hit in the feels is a common occurrence throughout the movie, especially near the end. Okay, maybe your feels won’t get hit nearly as hard as Mark Wahlberg and Ted hit each other in a cheap hotel room, but still, it’s something to consider when deciding on a final grade for this movie. In my case, I’ll give it four out of five stars. It’s not a perfect movie, because the laughs don’t come THAT frequently, but just frequently enough for some good old fashioned enjoyment.

Fav Whores

The term “Fav Whore” is common on Deviant Art and I’m sure it exists on other websites as well. It refers to somebody who adds pieces of art to their favorites collection only for page views or general attention. Whether or not that person actually likes your work is debatable. In fact, it may never come up in conversation again. While being active in the internet community is a good way to get attention, what kind of attention are you actually seeking by being a fav whore? Do you just want page views? If so, what exactly are you going to do with page views? Just because somebody looks at your work, doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll like it or spread the news. So if favorites and views don’t mean a damn thing anymore, then what does? Comments? It is true that an in-depth comment or critique will be sure to make both parties feel enriched. But what about comments like, “I love it!” and “Awesome!”? Do those really do anything for the artist seeking attention and love? Not really. Some people dig those comments, but when they’re accompanied with phrases like, “Come check out my art blog and/or gallery!”, that’s when it starts to get annoying. There’s a huge difference between flattering somebody and investing time in them. Flattery will only go so far, but investing time in someone will ensure a friendship that will last a lifetime. It’s the difference between having a friend and having a fan. Friends will never turn their backs on you during hard times or moments of joy. Fans will take that twelve inch blade and sever your spinal column the minute you fuck up. Fans are more common than friends, but now that we have this thing called the internet, it should be easier to make friends with the people you enjoy talking to. But the relationship between artist and viewer doesn’t always make it past the fan stage. I know this because there are celebrities that I have a fan-like relationship with. I used to like Scott Hall when he was wrestling for WWE as Razor Ramon and when he was wrestling for WCW under his real name. After all the no-shows and drug spirals, I stopped being a fan of his. It seems hypocritical of me given all the things I’ve said so far, but if I actually took the time to get to know Scott Hall a little better, I’m not sure he’d return the friendship. That’s why I choose to be a fan of wrestlers like Daniel Bryan and CM Punk. They’re reliable employees, they put on fun matches, and they’re nice guys in real life. I’m sure both guys would return my friendship, but I’ll never know, because I don’t have a Twitter account and I don’t know of any other way to contact them. Bottom line: if you want friendships that will bring happiness to your life for a long, long time, don’t be a fav whore; be a friend. Shallow behavior will get you nowhere in the end.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Daniel Day-Lewis spent lots of time trying to get inside Abraham Lincoln’s head for his role. The one person who was able to get in Lincoln’s head the most was John Wilkes-Booth. What? Two-hundred years later and it’s still too soon?”

-Seth MacFarlane-

"The New Rules" and "The New New Rules" by Bill Maher

New Rule: ice cream should stay nonpartisan. Some right-wingers came out with an ice cream to counteract the hippies at Ben & Jerry’s with flavors like “Smaller Govern-Mint”, “I Hate the French Vanilla”, and “Iraqi Road”. I know, anything to get Ann Coulter to eat. But these guys are missing the whole point of Ben & Jerry’s. Hippie ice cream is fun because you eat it when you’re stoned.

New Rule: wing nuts have to stop saying that they’re going to boycott Oreos because they made a gay cookie. In fact, this giant blob of vegetable oil and corn syrup is the perfect symbol for gay pride, because when I look at it, I’d rather have a dick in my mouth.

New Rule: couples who make out in public have to bring a bucket for me to throw up in. I didn’t come all the way to Applebee’s to be sickened by your dry humping. I came all the way to Applebee’s to be sickened by the food.

New Rule: parents have to stop telling me that their little daughter is going to be a heart-breaker or that she’s flirting with me. It’s just plain creepy. Plus, it makes me regret having lunch alone at Chuck E. Cheese’s.

New Rule: if churches don’t have to pay taxes, they also can’t call the fire department when they catch on fire. Sorry Reverend, that’s one of those services that comes with paying in. I’ll use the fire department that I pay for, you can pray for rain.

New Rule: if you protest motorcycle helmet laws by not wearing a helmet and you get into an accident, you deserve to die.

New Rule: Chinese restaurants have to stop being judgmental whenever I ask for a fork. It’s not a hate crime. Give me a fork before it dawns on me what the fuck I’m really eating.

These examples are just a few of what you can expect from Bill Maher’s two books “New Rules” and “The New New Rules”. If you need current examples, watch his show on HBO every Friday night. We’re going to overtime!

　

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

MORT: Peter, you’re swallowing those suppositories?
PETER: No, I’m shoving them up my ass. Of course I’m swallowing them!

-Family Guy-