Herbert the Pervert from Family Guy vs. Matt Rife

 

Objectified

The only chicks you like are working at strip bars

The only dudes you like are driving all the fast cars

The only kids you like are trapped inside the cages

The only grandmas you like are all so fucking ageist

The only fat guys like you like are six feet underground

The only fit chicks you like weigh less than sixty pounds

The only crazies you like are Manic Pixie Dream Girls

The only sickos you like are the ones who don’t hurl

The only celebrities you like are ones you masturbate to

The only politicians you like are ones who shit on Me Too

The only workers you like are the ones who lick your boots

The only laborers you like are the ones who pick your fruit

The only athletes you like are the ones who’re undefeated

The only students you like are the ones who have succeeded

The only teachers you like are picking quotes from the bible

The only cops you like are so good at committing libel

The only judges you like are the ones who say the N-word

The only gunners you like are the ones who collect dead birds

The only soldiers you like are the ones in Arnold movies

The only SJW’s you like are the ones who are worth suing

Objectified, electrified, open your asshole wide

As long as they tickle your fancy, you’re always on their side

But one day when you need your very best friends the most

They’ll leave you to die and haunt this world as a wayward ghost

"Hunting Vampires with Grandma" by Ashley Uzzell

BOOK TITLE: Hunting Vampires with Grandma

AUTHOR: Ashley Uzzell

YEAR: 2017

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Vampire Horror

GRADE: Pass

Markie’s evening begins innocently enough when she goes to a nightclub with her friends and mixes it up on the dance floor. She even brings home a handsome stranger named Playboy Paul. But when this sexy gentleman flashes his vampire fangs and lunges after her, Markie knows she screwed up badly by inviting him into her grandma’s home. G saves the day when she plunges knitting needles into the vampire’s heart and dissolves him into a pile of ashes. Markie’s shock continues when she learns her grandma is part of a sorority of vampire hunters which include fellow old ladies Ariel, Claire, and Lavern. The band is back together for one last run and Markie is both excited and frightened to be a part of it.

My favorite part of this short novel is the witty banter back and forth between the four old ladies. They’re sassy, vulgar, and aren’t afraid to keep their youth alive with sexual references here and there. They come off as genuine kick-ass ladies rather than ageist stereotypes. And speaking of kicking ass, despite their old ages, smoking habits, and terrible cardio, they can get the job done when it comes to killing vampires. Nobody’s going to screw with these venerable warriors whether it’s physical combat, a verbal spat, or playing rummy (and possibly cheating). Their minds are sharp after all of these years as evidenced by their careful planning when it comes to vampire hunting. I love the point they made when they said fanny packs are safer to carry around than purses when it comes to combat. Like I said, nobody messes with these chicks. Nobody!

As far as critiques go, I don’t have many of them, but they’re worth pointing out, though they won’t devalue the well-deserved passing grade Ashley Uzzell has earned for this book. I would have liked to see the combat scenes fleshed out a little more since it seemed like the battles were too easily won. Then again, I understand why they were so short: because the old ladies don’t have the cardio they did back in their youth. Shorter battles favor the old ladies and they sure make the most of their time spent. Not every battle has to be a UFC masterpiece of a WWE match of the year candidate, so maybe this particular critique isn’t anything to lose sleep over. I enjoyed the battles while they lasted, though.

The only other critique I have for this story is that I would have liked to see Markie in a more combative role instead of being vampire bait or a damsel in distress. For all intents and purposes, Markie is the main protagonist of the story and I’ve always been a firm believer in the idea of the main hero getting the spoils of victory. But at the same time, I understand why she was relegated to a rookie role. The fact that vampires exist at all is shocking to her, so she’s going into these battles slightly unprepared. She’s not a martial artist in any sense of the word, but maybe she could get away with a surprise attack for the final blow. Even that would build her confidence as she continues her new role as part of the vampire hunting sorority. By the end of the story, though, we don’t have to worry about her confidence at all. She’s all smiles and her newfound happiness is well deserved. She loves her grandma and loves her new old lady friends just as much. They make an awesome team, to say the least!

Despite these microscopic issues I have with the story, Ashley Uzzell knocks it out of the park yet again. She’s a runaway freight train of literary achievements and no amount of chaos in her life is going to stop her momentum. I loved this book so much that I would recommend it to even those who aren’t interested in vampire stories to begin with. Mrs. Uzzell is a woman who transcends genres every time she puts pen to paper. She’ll continue to do that as her nonstop career progresses. Congratulations on scoring another passing grade, Mrs. Uzzell! You don’t just set the bar; you ARE the bar!