Antonia DiAngelo, Grumpy Grandma from "Emilio & Marigold"

 

Old school Garrison's Library fans will remember me submitting "Emilio & Marigold" to Hollow Hills and getting it published in "Raining Cats & Dogs" in 2020. Hollow Hills have since closed their doors for good. Now Emilio & Marigold will be part of an anthology of fantasy novelettes called Lysergic Fairytales, which I'll do myself.

Grocery Store of Broken Dreams

Roses and chocolates for the not-so-happy couple

When it comes to the law, they’re constantly in trouble

Black eyes, long cries, and cocaine covered nostrils

Only broken bones will be found in their fossils

A frozen pizza can feed a family of four

But not when the mother isn’t alive anymore

A single dad with gray hairs and noisy kids

He bottles his anger with the tightest lid

A bag of cheddar cheese sour cream potato chips

Is a fat man’s only friend when his self-esteem dips

He breathes like a windstorm, his T-shirt is damp

But life itself isn’t worth giving a single damn

A bottle of Advil in the hands of a grandma

Looks natural after the loss of the grandpa

A cell phone in her purse the size of a brick

But nobody calls, not even when she’s sick

A price gun in the hands of a check-out clerk

Will get a lot of mileage in this endless work

Take home a skinny paycheck, be a wreck

One dollar away from the homeless trek

Screenwriters, actors, and the bleeding hearts

Are part of this community that’s falling apart

It’s called the grocery store of broken dreams

It’s easier to fail and chow down on ice cream

How am I any different from my fellow shoppers?

I too have a cart full of frozen cheese poppers

I too was a dreamer once upon a long time

I too live in a town where stars never shine

I too have a stomach that stretches my shirt

I too have a mind full of trauma and hurt

I too have a heart that’ll never beat again

I too will never know if I’ll breathe again

"Hunting Vampires with Grandma" by Ashley Uzzell

BOOK TITLE: Hunting Vampires with Grandma

AUTHOR: Ashley Uzzell

YEAR: 2017

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Vampire Horror

GRADE: Pass

Markie’s evening begins innocently enough when she goes to a nightclub with her friends and mixes it up on the dance floor. She even brings home a handsome stranger named Playboy Paul. But when this sexy gentleman flashes his vampire fangs and lunges after her, Markie knows she screwed up badly by inviting him into her grandma’s home. G saves the day when she plunges knitting needles into the vampire’s heart and dissolves him into a pile of ashes. Markie’s shock continues when she learns her grandma is part of a sorority of vampire hunters which include fellow old ladies Ariel, Claire, and Lavern. The band is back together for one last run and Markie is both excited and frightened to be a part of it.

My favorite part of this short novel is the witty banter back and forth between the four old ladies. They’re sassy, vulgar, and aren’t afraid to keep their youth alive with sexual references here and there. They come off as genuine kick-ass ladies rather than ageist stereotypes. And speaking of kicking ass, despite their old ages, smoking habits, and terrible cardio, they can get the job done when it comes to killing vampires. Nobody’s going to screw with these venerable warriors whether it’s physical combat, a verbal spat, or playing rummy (and possibly cheating). Their minds are sharp after all of these years as evidenced by their careful planning when it comes to vampire hunting. I love the point they made when they said fanny packs are safer to carry around than purses when it comes to combat. Like I said, nobody messes with these chicks. Nobody!

As far as critiques go, I don’t have many of them, but they’re worth pointing out, though they won’t devalue the well-deserved passing grade Ashley Uzzell has earned for this book. I would have liked to see the combat scenes fleshed out a little more since it seemed like the battles were too easily won. Then again, I understand why they were so short: because the old ladies don’t have the cardio they did back in their youth. Shorter battles favor the old ladies and they sure make the most of their time spent. Not every battle has to be a UFC masterpiece of a WWE match of the year candidate, so maybe this particular critique isn’t anything to lose sleep over. I enjoyed the battles while they lasted, though.

The only other critique I have for this story is that I would have liked to see Markie in a more combative role instead of being vampire bait or a damsel in distress. For all intents and purposes, Markie is the main protagonist of the story and I’ve always been a firm believer in the idea of the main hero getting the spoils of victory. But at the same time, I understand why she was relegated to a rookie role. The fact that vampires exist at all is shocking to her, so she’s going into these battles slightly unprepared. She’s not a martial artist in any sense of the word, but maybe she could get away with a surprise attack for the final blow. Even that would build her confidence as she continues her new role as part of the vampire hunting sorority. By the end of the story, though, we don’t have to worry about her confidence at all. She’s all smiles and her newfound happiness is well deserved. She loves her grandma and loves her new old lady friends just as much. They make an awesome team, to say the least!

Despite these microscopic issues I have with the story, Ashley Uzzell knocks it out of the park yet again. She’s a runaway freight train of literary achievements and no amount of chaos in her life is going to stop her momentum. I loved this book so much that I would recommend it to even those who aren’t interested in vampire stories to begin with. Mrs. Uzzell is a woman who transcends genres every time she puts pen to paper. She’ll continue to do that as her nonstop career progresses. Congratulations on scoring another passing grade, Mrs. Uzzell! You don’t just set the bar; you ARE the bar!