Peter Griffin vs. a Kyle Rittenhouse Pistol Polisher (Based on a Real Conversation)

 

Brian Griffin from Family Guy vs. G-Rated Rabbit Humor

 

Herbert the Pervert from Family Guy vs. Matt Rife

 

Ted

MOVIE TITLE: Ted

DIRECTOR: Seth MacFarlane

YEAR: 2012

GENRE: Comedy

RATING: R for language, violence, and sexual content

GRADE: Pass

If you’ve watched any Seth MacFarlane cartoons over the years, you know exactly what you’re going to get from anything else he does: crude jokes, ridiculous fight scenes, pop culture references galore, and a belly full of laughs by the time you’re done watching. You’ll get everything you’ve come to know and love when you watch Ted, except this time without a TV-14 restriction holding Seth MacFarlane back. Oh sure, it starts out as an innocent friendship between a boy and his stuffed bear. But the bear has to eventually grow up too, which pretty much gives him a license to engage in whatever degenerate behavior he wants whether it’s snorting cocaine, beating people up, or having sex in the produce section of a grocery store. The whole movie is full of over-the-top moments made even funnier when they come from a Peter Griffin-sounding teddy bear. Growing up is overrated. Thunder buddies for life!

And because this is a Seth MacFarlane production, that means a lot of the jokes are going to be politically incorrect. And you know what? Even watching this in the present day, I don’t care! The more offensive, the better, I say. At least these disgusting jokes have substance to them. And hey, as long as it gets a laugh from the audience, all bets are off. Seth MacFarlane knows what he’s doing when it comes to comedy. None of the jokes come off as lazy or ham-fisted. It’s not like he scrolls through 4Chan every day just to dig up new material. He doesn’t need to do that. He’s got enough talent on his own whether he’s joking about taboo subjects or not. I won’t spoil any of the jokes here in this review, because I want you to watch the movie for yourself and enjoy the experience with a fresh and open mind. If you can watch Family Guy until the end of time, I think you can handle Ted just fine.

But do you know what’s even more unsettling than raunchy humor? Donny and his son Robert, two of Ted’s “biggest fans”. And by biggest fans, I mean obsessive serial killers and torturers who stalk Ted everywhere he goes. If you took Donny and Robert and put them in any other genre of movie, they could be convincing villains all the same. They’re deranged, abusive, creepy, controlling, manipulative, and pretty much any other adjective that will make you want to turn and run. Yes, Robert is a little on the chubby side and can’t run very fast, but trust me, you can’t get far enough away from that psychopath or his father. I jumped for joy when Mark Wahlberg’s character punched Robert in the face and knocked him out cold. But can he do the same to Donny? I’ll just leave that question hanging for as long as your anxiety will allow it.

Yes, this movie is a comedy that’s not meant to be taken seriously, but there is a good story in here about love and friendship. There are lessons to be learned underneath all of the belly laughs. Is it really necessary to “grow up”? Is one friend really more important than the other? Should friendship come easier for lonely kids? Not to sound too philosophical over a Seth MacFarlane movie, but getting hit in the feels is a common occurrence throughout the movie, especially near the end. Okay, maybe your feels won’t get hit nearly as hard as Mark Wahlberg and Ted hit each other in a cheap hotel room, but still, it’s something to consider when deciding on a final grade for this movie. In my case, I’ll give it four out of five stars. It’s not a perfect movie, because the laughs don’t come THAT frequently, but just frequently enough for some good old fashioned enjoyment.

Social Justice Warriors

***SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIORS***

You’re in no way obligated to get in political discussions with people who don’t want to change. But if you do, a common slur you’ll hear a lot in those discussions is SJW, or Social Justice Warrior. This gets tossed around by people who think their opponents get offended by everything or are too politically correct. If you ever get called a Social Justice Warrior, don’t be offended. Say thank you. You know why? Well, all you have to do is take a look at the last word in that slur: warrior. Sounds badass, doesn’t it? When I think of warriors, I think of big muscle men with battleaxes and spears. Or it could be a fierce and tough-minded woman with a bow and arrow that doubles as a striking blade. Either way, there’s nothing wrong with being called a warrior. Dungeons & Dragons characters hear this all the time and they give their thanks.

And while we’re on the topic of warriors, suppose you’re a D&D player who prefers another character class. Okay, no problem. You can be an SJB (Social Justice Barbarian). Barbarians sure as shit have enough rage to care about their causes. What about SJC’s (Social Justice Clerics). Since clerics have the ability to heal their party members, they could easily be useful for when a protest goes awry. And don’t forget about SJP’s (Social Justice Paladins). If you’re too laidback to be a barbarian but you still want to be a warrior, be a paladin, the bringers of truth and justice. But maybe SJW can mean something else entirely: Social Justice Wizard. Some people would rather use magic than engage in close quarters combat. Maybe the wizard specializes in pyromancy, which is bad news for any Nazi marching with a Tiki torch. Maybe the wizard specializes in cryomancy, which means the only snowflakes you have to worry about are the ones freezing your balls off. So many possibilities!

Okay, so you’ve seen all of those different character classes, but you still want to be a Social Justice Warrior instead of anything else. No problem! You know who else wanted to be a warrior? WWE Hall of Famer The Ultimate Warrior. He wanted to be a warrior so much that Warrior became his legal name. No kidding! And now his wife and children have Warrior as their last name. Call me crazy, but I’d love to see a big muscle-bound wrestler in tassels and face paint called The Ultimate Social Justice Warrior. The only difference is, The USJW can actually wrestle. And his promos make sense. And he’s not a racist. Or a homophobe. Or a guy who’s happy about Bobby Heenan having cancer. Or a…you know what, you probably get the picture by now.

Maybe professional wrestling isn’t your cup of tea, and quite frankly, there are times when I’m watching WWE and I can’t blame you for that. How about some videogames instead? If you want to see some real Social Justice Warriors in action, look no further than Final Fantasy VII, everybody’s favorite in the series and a true classic. The main characters in that game were part of a pro-environmental faction called Avalanche and their goal was to stop the evil mega corporation Shinra from draining the planet of its spiritual energy to make a profit. Yes, you heard me right: Barrett Wallace, Cloud Strife, and Tifa Lockhart were all a bunch of tree-hugging hippies. And they won! Of course, with Barrett’s arm cannon, Cloud’s big ass sword, and Tifa’s martial arts abilities, the writing was on the wall for the Shinra Corporation.

If somebody calls you a Social Justice Warrior in conversation, say thank you and be on your merry way. And while we’re at it, what does that make Keyboard Warriors? I could imagine that it takes a lot of power to smash a keyboard over someone’s head without breaking your damn weapon. You know who would make good Keyboard Warriors? Going back to my wrestling examples, the entire roster of old school ECW. Those guys would hit each other with trash cans, steel chairs, cookie sheets, and cheese graters (holy shit, that was brutal!). If you gave Tommy Dreamer, the Sandman, or Bubba Ray Dudley a computer keyboard, do you think they’re going to smash it across their opponents’ backs? You’re damn right they will! If it’s not nailed down, they’ll use it in a hardcore wrestling match. Hell, they could probably beat people to death with rolled up copy of Hustler, right?

Of course, as tempting as it may seem, beating the shit out of people during political activity is not recommended. I know, I know, you’re going to call me out on this because I have a bunch of violent political songs in my two poetry books Confessions of a Schizophrenic Savage and Necrograph. Those poems are fantasies, but political violence in the real world is much more dangerous. Separating fantasy from reality is what’s going to get you by in this world more than anything. Okay, so you can’t show up to a protest riding a warhorse while carrying a bastard sword. You don’t have to. You can still be a warrior in many other ways. Fighting the good fight doesn’t always mean throwing fists (unless you’re defending yourself in a life or death situation, which is a whole different story entirely).

You can’t ride on a fire-breathing dragon, but you can lift your head as high anyways. You’ve got this. You can win the big one. All you have to do…is BO-LIEVE! Goddamn it, another wrestling reference! Well, I suppose it’s better than doing all of your warrior business on a pay-per-view called Great Balls of Fire. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Going back to the topic of Final Fantasy VII and their environmental stance, I wrote a first draft novel a few years ago called Filter Feeder which is basically the same thing, but with clam fishing and the Materia are magical clam shells. Filter Feeder’s Sheila Victor is a dead ringer for Final Fantasy VII’s Scarlet, so that’s how I’m going to draw her. You know what I’m hoping for? I hope when I eventually go back and have Marie Krepps beta read Filter Feeder, she won’t find too many similarities between the two stories. Maybe some, but not a lot. Well, I can always wish in one hand and shit in the other to see which one fills up first!

***AMERICAN DARKNESS 3***

Remember how I said that real world violence is a bad thing? Well, it doesn’t get any closer to the real world than this next story idea I have for American Darkness 3. It’s called “Belts and Welts” and it goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

1.      Owen Hall, Angry Father

2.      Valerie Hall, Lenient Mother

3.      Leila Hall, Bratty Teenaged Daughter

PROMPT CONFORMITY: To be announced.

SYNOPSIS: In the Hall family, Valerie spoils Leila and gives her everything she wants, including the right to back-sass Owen and completely disregard his authority. Over a lengthy period of time of being disrespected, Owen has his breaking point. During a family dinner, he and Leila get into a heated argument in which the bratty daughter mocks everything her father says. Having finally snapped, Owen does something to Leila that has never happened to her before: he beats her severely with a belt and promises more beatings if the disrespect continues.

OOC: You know what? This might actually be more controversial than Puberty X Piracy.

***TELEVISION QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Tell me, Brian, how does it feel to be the least cultured guy at a bus station?”

-Stewie Griffin from “Family Guy”-

Body Positivity

***BODY POSITIVITY***

Judging from how my selfies look these days, this is going to come as a major shock to a lot of people (eye roll). I treat the fat guy with the same respect that I treat the athlete. There are good and bad people on both sides of that spectrum and that’s really the only criteria I use to decide if I like someone or not. You can do bicep curls and military presses until the end of time, but until you treat your fellow human being with love and kindness, you don’t deserve my respect.

I know that sounds ironic considering my love for WWE and how only a small minority of those wrestlers are out of shape. Yes, I enjoy the flippy-floppy techniques of guys like Neville and Seth Rollins, but I also don’t feel the need to bash out of shape wrestlers like Kevin Owens and Bray Wyatt simply because of how they look. Whether it’s with WWE or real life, looks don’t mean shit anymore. There are fat guys who are happily married and muscle studs who are struggling to find a girlfriend. Yes, I know Family Guy is only a cartoon where the characters beat the shit out of each other constantly, but the fact that a chubby guy like Peter Griffin can have a sexy redhead like Lois isn’t lost on me.

Not everybody on this planet has to be a sex object with rippling muscles and firm thighs. Sometimes I get the feeling that the only reason we have fat shaming in our society today is because the ones doing the shaming want someone to jerk off to. They don’t have enough people wax the carrot to, so they expect the whole world to look like sex statues. So that’s it, huh? If I were to go to the gym and exercise my ass off until I was 200 lbs, my biggest reward would be people jerking off to me? Gee, thanks a lot.

Another excuse fat shamers like to use to do what they do is that they’re concerned for their target’s health. So let me get this straight: you’re worried they might die from a heart attack or a stroke, so you insult them until they feel suicidal? Great logic. Great fucking logic. If you’re legitimately concerned about a fat guy’s health, cheer them on, don’t insult them. That drill instructor logic will get you five knuckles of death right in the fucking jaw.

So, the primary excuses people have for making fun of fat people are not enough wanking material and fake health concerns. I thought that would have been the end of it. And then Bill Maher closes an episode of Real Time with one of the most disgusting monologues I’ve heard in a long while. He chastised publications like The Huffington Post for promoting body positivity because obesity is supposed to be a disease, not a fashion trend. It’s one thing for him to make fat jokes about guys like Donald Trump, Chris Christie, and Rush Limbaugh, because those three are bona fide assholes. But to generalize the argument to include everyday people? Unbelievable.

Imagine if the wrong person were to see that kind of message on TV. Maybe it’s a fat guy in high school being bullied by jocks. Maybe it’s a binge-eating fat woman with low self-esteem and suicidal thoughts. No less than a week after doing an ending monologue about Republicans being trolls, Bill Maher became a troll himself to the entire obese population. He was already on my shit list for telling his audience how to dress and bitching about superhero movies and fast-paced novels. Those things I can deal with. But after that night of fat shaming, I have to reconsider my fandom for Mr. Maher. Yes, he and I are both proud liberals with a strong sense of zeal, but is he really fighting for someone like me with his show?

On one hand, I understand the health risks of being overweight. I know this, because there were times when I’d get winded climbing the stairs. I would come home from walks to the convenience store dripping with sweat like a fire hydrant. I have sleep apnea that isn’t always cured with my CPAP. The fact that I even have a CPAP says a lot about the state of my body. Am I the healthiest person on earth? Not really. But that doesn’t mean I have to feel like shit because of it. There are worse things in this world than being fat, such as being evil, stupid, shallow, obnoxious, and hateful among other negative qualities.

In the end, the only one who has the right to an opinion of your body is you yourself. If you like the way you look, good for you. If you don’t, do something about it. But if you are going to do something about it, make sure you have the final say. It’s your body, after all. Making diet and exercise choices shouldn’t be taken lightly and shouldn’t be because of coercion or insults. Surround yourself with people who embody a positive state of mind. They’re the ones who will help you through your body issues, not the jerk-offs and trolls. Somebody out there loves you and hopefully you love yourself too. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Two days ago, I finally pumped out “Wolf’s Cannonball”, the martial arts retelling of Little Red Riding Hood. The next character from that story to be drawn will be Little Red Sniper. I ordered some red colored pencils from Amazon and I might wait for them to get here before I get started on this drawing. I might have other variations of red in my collection, I just have to look for them.

***BOOK REVIEW***

I only have a little over a hundred pages left to read from Chris Jericho’s third memoir “The Best in the World: At What I Have No Idea”. I would have made some progress on it today, but I was feeling the blahs as far as creativity went. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a more energetic day. I plan on giving this book the same grade I gave to Chris Jericho’s first two memoirs: four stars out of five. He’s witty, he’s to-the-point, he’s entertaining…what more could I ask for out of a pro-wrestler turned author?

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What did Barack Obama say to the Republican Party in 2012?

A: Damn Mitt!

General Update: Creative Fuel

***GENERAL UPDATE: CREATIVE FUEL***

I say this all the time and it bears to be repeated. I say this all the time and it bears to be repeated. Creative fuel can come from the strangest places and it can result in some of the strangest pieces of art imaginable. I kept wondering if the Hulk Hogan dream I had in my last journal would amount to anything and it just might. And then things just rolled on from there. Here’s a general update on all of the short story synopses I’ve created, dreams I’ve had, and movies I’ve seen. If you feel inspired by any of this to do something of your own, then that means my journal was a success. If not, well, at least now I have something to talk about. Starting with the synopsis I plan on using for this week’s WSS contest (Breaking the Habit)….

***THE UNDERTAKER***

CHARACTERS:

Zell Jardine, The Undertaker

Heath Danielson, Depressed Drunk

PROMPT CONFORMITY: Hopefully, this encounter with Zell will break Heath’s drinking habit.

CREATIVE FUEL: The Undertaker from the WWE, a legendary wrestler who will compete at Wrestlemania 32 against Shane McMahon in a Hell in a Cell match. If Shane wins, he will gain control of the WWE and The Undertaker will be out of a job.

SYNOPSIS: After his father’s bakery goes out of business, Heath nurses his sadness at a bar and gets so drunk that the bartender orders him to leave. Not knowing where he is now, he stops to relieve himself in a random spot in the street. When his vision comes back into focus, Heath realizes he just urinated on Zell Jardine’s grave. Zell’s hand rises from below and grabs the drunk by his throat. “The Undertaker” as he’s called is hell bent on murdering Heath in cold blood. Mr. Danielson tries to explain his situation and say he’s sorry, but he’s too drunk to put words together.

***HARDCORE HOGAN***

CHARACTERS:

Garrison Kelly, Captured Earthling

Hardcore Hogan, Garrison’s Alter Ego

Kasabian, Alien Lord

Random Squid-Faced Alien Warriors

CREATIVE FUEL: Hulk Hogan dream.

SYNOPSIS: Garrison wakes up one day and finds himself in an alien ship’s prison cell. He has no idea what he’s doing there, but when he tries to shake the bars and complain, he gets electrocuted by the guards. Just when he is about to give in, he finds the Hall of Fame ring of his favorite professional wrestler Hardcore Hogan in the corner of the cell. When Garrison puts the ring on, he transforms into the muscular wrestler and puts a beating on the aliens after ripping the bars off the cell door. Kasabian serves as his final enemy and the only person who could possibly explain why Garrison/Hogan is on this ship to begin with.

***JUST AS BAD***

CHARACTERS:

Leon Archer, Vengeful Brother

Bryan Hicks, Former Bully

CREATIVE FUEL: Episode of Family Guy where Peter confronts an ex-bully of his who is now physically disabled.

SYNOPSIS: Leon finds the permanent address of Bryan Hicks, a former high school jock who bullied Leon’s brother to the point of suicide. Years of tension built up inside Mr. Archer, but when he sees Bryan bedridden in his apartment due to cancer, he’s faced with a moral dilemma. Will he beat the crap out of a weakened former bully or will that make him just as bad as Mr. Hicks used to be? Bryan tries to convince Leon that he’s a changed man who would go back in time and make different decisions if that was possible. Five years of lonely anger dictates otherwise for Leon.

***GORGON DEATH BITCH***

CHARACTERS:

Steve Jones, Frightened Boyfriend

Kathryn Marsh, Angry Girlfriend

CREATIVE FUEL: The Gorgon Video logo at the beginning of the “Faces of Death” movies.

SYNOPSIS: Steve and Kathryn had been dating for several months and are already living together. They’ve also been fighting a lot recently, giving Steve ideas of breaking up with his girlfriend. When he comes home late from work one night, Kathryn tears into him verbally, prompting Steve to give into his designs of ending the relationship. Kathryn bursts into tears on the couch and then transforms into a gorgon to terrorize her lover some more. Steve tries to talk some sense into her, but he’s too terrified to put words together. He’s also trying not to look Kathryn in the eyes lest he be turned to stone.

***KING BLIZZARD***

CHARACTERS:

King Blizzard, Tyrannical Giant

Jason Clark, Farmer

CREATIVE FUEL: Giant gold and bronze action figure I used to have of Sabertooth from “X-Men”. I called it King Blizzard for the sake of the play dates I used to have with my childhood friend Lance.

SYNOPSIS: For centuries, King Blizzard has bullied the people of The Zeal Empire by stealing food from their farms and tromping all over the land if he doesn’t get what he wants. In the past, soldiers and mages have all been sent out to slay the giant, but all that did was lead them to the slaughter. For as long as he owned his farm, Jason would always be someone who surrendered his food without incident. That changes on the day he decides to stand up to the giant. He might get himself stomped on in the process, but in his mind, it’s better than living life without his family, whom Blizzard killed when his “payment” was late one year.

***ZERO URREA DREAM***

As many of you already know, I have a Deviant Art friend named Zero Urrea and we’ve been friends since 2009. Last night, I had a weird dream about him where I went to his house and his TV was showing an anime about a bisexual monster farmer. Zero came home dressed in camouflage pants and carrying an AK-47 over his shoulders. He also miraculously had brown skin (he’s white in real life). The two of us went on a road trip together to drive me back to Port Orchard. On our way there, we saw that all of the amusements parks in the world were melting into liquid. In an effort to enjoy one of them while we could, we swam in the current the melted water was making. Then I woke up from that dream when my brother James wanted to take me to the YMCA and I didn’t want to go.

***STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS***

I saw that movie earlier tonight with my mom and Reina. While I won’t write a review for it since it would contain spoilers, I will say that it’s one of the rare mediums that deserve an Extra Credit (five-star) score. It was fucking awesome to say the least. When we were driving home from the cinema, Reina said that I reminded her of Chewbacca from the film. I’m not that hairy and I can’t shoot a crossbow worth a damn, but I do growl and groan a lot, so the comparison is apt.

***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***

On WWE television, Jerry Lawler always has nicknames for his fellow announcers based on their initials. He calls Byron Saxton BS (bullshit) and Mauro Ranallo MR (mentally retarded). If Tom Philips was part of the team, he would be called TP (toilet paper). If Daniel Bryan ever decided to become an announcer, he would be called DB (douche bag). Such unfortunate initials to have when calling the Smackdown action with The King.

"The New Rules" and "The New New Rules" by Bill Maher

New Rule: ice cream should stay nonpartisan. Some right-wingers came out with an ice cream to counteract the hippies at Ben & Jerry’s with flavors like “Smaller Govern-Mint”, “I Hate the French Vanilla”, and “Iraqi Road”. I know, anything to get Ann Coulter to eat. But these guys are missing the whole point of Ben & Jerry’s. Hippie ice cream is fun because you eat it when you’re stoned.

New Rule: wing nuts have to stop saying that they’re going to boycott Oreos because they made a gay cookie. In fact, this giant blob of vegetable oil and corn syrup is the perfect symbol for gay pride, because when I look at it, I’d rather have a dick in my mouth.

New Rule: couples who make out in public have to bring a bucket for me to throw up in. I didn’t come all the way to Applebee’s to be sickened by your dry humping. I came all the way to Applebee’s to be sickened by the food.

New Rule: parents have to stop telling me that their little daughter is going to be a heart-breaker or that she’s flirting with me. It’s just plain creepy. Plus, it makes me regret having lunch alone at Chuck E. Cheese’s.

New Rule: if churches don’t have to pay taxes, they also can’t call the fire department when they catch on fire. Sorry Reverend, that’s one of those services that comes with paying in. I’ll use the fire department that I pay for, you can pray for rain.

New Rule: if you protest motorcycle helmet laws by not wearing a helmet and you get into an accident, you deserve to die.

New Rule: Chinese restaurants have to stop being judgmental whenever I ask for a fork. It’s not a hate crime. Give me a fork before it dawns on me what the fuck I’m really eating.

These examples are just a few of what you can expect from Bill Maher’s two books “New Rules” and “The New New Rules”. If you need current examples, watch his show on HBO every Friday night. We’re going to overtime!

　

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

MORT: Peter, you’re swallowing those suppositories?
PETER: No, I’m shoving them up my ass. Of course I’m swallowing them!

-Family Guy-