"MOX" by Jon Moxley

BOOK TITLE: MOX

AUTHOR: Jon Moxley

YEAR: 2021

GENRE: Nonfiction

SUBGENRE: Wrestling Memoir

GRADE: B

Jon Moxley’s road to the top of the pro-wrestling world was paved in blood, both his own and his opponents’. He grew up in a poor neighborhood that could have served as the first stage of Final Fight. He trained in a wrestling gym so torturous that it might as well have been located in Guantanamo Bay. He developed a psychotic persona to go along with the level of violence required for death matches. He joined the WWE and became part of one of the most dominant trios in wrestling history: The Shield. Sick of the creative black hole the company became, he let his contract expire and reinvented himself in places like New Japan and All-Elite Wrestling. This is just a summary of what he went through, but to read about it through his words is a vicarious experience like no other. Every exhaustion he feels, you feel. Every splatter of blood he spills, you feel that too. Every burst of raw anger he feels, it tugs at your soul as well. Jon Moxley definitely has a fascinating enough story to justify a nonfiction book.

Because he’s not a professionally-trained author, it becomes apparent right away that he writes exactly how he talks. Swear words, pop culture comparisons, brutal imagery that could be read in his voice, it’s all there. Normally, an author would receive a lot of grief for this sort of thing, but he won’t get it from me. I for one enjoy this conversational tone, because he’s got a colorful personality to back it up. It would be one thing if he talked like an IRS accountant. But since he’s a violent brawler with a hard edge to him, that makes his writing style even more exciting to read. That kind of personality is necessary when describing the bloodshed he went through in his ultra-intense matches. Can you imagine if a comedic, lighthearted style in the vein of Carl Hiaasen or Sherman Alexie was applied to this kind of narrative? It wouldn’t make sense.

While this book was a master class in showing personality and being an all-around tough guy, it’s not without its flaws. Remember how I said that Jon Moxley isn’t a professionally-trained author? Well, that means he’s going to make a lot of typos when he writes and he’s not going to notice them. There are instances of question marks and periods being together. He swaps between using F’n and the actual curse word. Some of the misspellings make sense because of his rough personality, but it’s so inconsistent that no sane editor would let it slide. You know what else the editor wouldn’t let slide? Starting a sentence midway through it without typing the actual beginning. That’s how he introduces an interlude where he talks about one of his favorite songs: no capitalization at the beginning because there is no beginning, only a middle. Had the editor done a better job of cleaning up these discrepancies, I would have readily given this book a perfect five out of five. But the constant typos bumped it down a notch for me.

Okay, so MOX isn’t a perfect book. Not many people outside the wrestling bubble would get excited about it. Maybe the typos would be too much for them to handle. But you know what? I love the book anyways. I love it so much that I wanted it to win Best Pro-Wrestling Book of 2021 from the Wrestling Observer Newsletter awards. And guess what? I got my wish! And if you pick up this book wanting an exciting story, you’ll get your wish too! Four out of five stars! Maybe seven if it was written in the Tokyo Dome. I bet Meltzer’s heard that joke so many times that he just shrugs it off nowadays.

Boots and Tongues

VERSE 1

Lick all the ass cheeks, lick all the dicks

Lick all the pussies until you get sick

Drink all the juices, every last ounce

Then tell the world to compare bank accounts

PRE-CHORUS 1

You won’t rinse with mouthwash

Lick it! Lick it! Lick it all!

You won’t use dental floss

CHORUS 1

Boots and tongues! Collect your pay!

Boots and tongues! The corporate way!

Boots and tongues! It tastes okay!

Boots and tongues! Lick it!

VERSE 2

Lick all the bare feet and savor the treat

Toe jam and toenails are the new lunch meat

Lick all the nut sacks and kiss all the rings

Kiss all the asses and lick everything

PRE-CHORUS 2

You won’t brush with toothpaste

Lick it! Lick it! Lick it all!

Dental insurance is such a waste

CHORUS 2

Boots and tongues! Collect your cash!

Boots and tongues! Marry into trash!

Boots and tongues! Hide your stash!

Boots and tongues! Lick it!

CHORUS 3

Boots and tongues! Collect your coin!

Boots and tongues! Stroke your groin!

Boots and tongues! The club to join!

Boots and tongues! Lick it!

Body Positivity

***BODY POSITIVITY***

Judging from how my selfies look these days, this is going to come as a major shock to a lot of people (eye roll). I treat the fat guy with the same respect that I treat the athlete. There are good and bad people on both sides of that spectrum and that’s really the only criteria I use to decide if I like someone or not. You can do bicep curls and military presses until the end of time, but until you treat your fellow human being with love and kindness, you don’t deserve my respect.

I know that sounds ironic considering my love for WWE and how only a small minority of those wrestlers are out of shape. Yes, I enjoy the flippy-floppy techniques of guys like Neville and Seth Rollins, but I also don’t feel the need to bash out of shape wrestlers like Kevin Owens and Bray Wyatt simply because of how they look. Whether it’s with WWE or real life, looks don’t mean shit anymore. There are fat guys who are happily married and muscle studs who are struggling to find a girlfriend. Yes, I know Family Guy is only a cartoon where the characters beat the shit out of each other constantly, but the fact that a chubby guy like Peter Griffin can have a sexy redhead like Lois isn’t lost on me.

Not everybody on this planet has to be a sex object with rippling muscles and firm thighs. Sometimes I get the feeling that the only reason we have fat shaming in our society today is because the ones doing the shaming want someone to jerk off to. They don’t have enough people wax the carrot to, so they expect the whole world to look like sex statues. So that’s it, huh? If I were to go to the gym and exercise my ass off until I was 200 lbs, my biggest reward would be people jerking off to me? Gee, thanks a lot.

Another excuse fat shamers like to use to do what they do is that they’re concerned for their target’s health. So let me get this straight: you’re worried they might die from a heart attack or a stroke, so you insult them until they feel suicidal? Great logic. Great fucking logic. If you’re legitimately concerned about a fat guy’s health, cheer them on, don’t insult them. That drill instructor logic will get you five knuckles of death right in the fucking jaw.

So, the primary excuses people have for making fun of fat people are not enough wanking material and fake health concerns. I thought that would have been the end of it. And then Bill Maher closes an episode of Real Time with one of the most disgusting monologues I’ve heard in a long while. He chastised publications like The Huffington Post for promoting body positivity because obesity is supposed to be a disease, not a fashion trend. It’s one thing for him to make fat jokes about guys like Donald Trump, Chris Christie, and Rush Limbaugh, because those three are bona fide assholes. But to generalize the argument to include everyday people? Unbelievable.

Imagine if the wrong person were to see that kind of message on TV. Maybe it’s a fat guy in high school being bullied by jocks. Maybe it’s a binge-eating fat woman with low self-esteem and suicidal thoughts. No less than a week after doing an ending monologue about Republicans being trolls, Bill Maher became a troll himself to the entire obese population. He was already on my shit list for telling his audience how to dress and bitching about superhero movies and fast-paced novels. Those things I can deal with. But after that night of fat shaming, I have to reconsider my fandom for Mr. Maher. Yes, he and I are both proud liberals with a strong sense of zeal, but is he really fighting for someone like me with his show?

On one hand, I understand the health risks of being overweight. I know this, because there were times when I’d get winded climbing the stairs. I would come home from walks to the convenience store dripping with sweat like a fire hydrant. I have sleep apnea that isn’t always cured with my CPAP. The fact that I even have a CPAP says a lot about the state of my body. Am I the healthiest person on earth? Not really. But that doesn’t mean I have to feel like shit because of it. There are worse things in this world than being fat, such as being evil, stupid, shallow, obnoxious, and hateful among other negative qualities.

In the end, the only one who has the right to an opinion of your body is you yourself. If you like the way you look, good for you. If you don’t, do something about it. But if you are going to do something about it, make sure you have the final say. It’s your body, after all. Making diet and exercise choices shouldn’t be taken lightly and shouldn’t be because of coercion or insults. Surround yourself with people who embody a positive state of mind. They’re the ones who will help you through your body issues, not the jerk-offs and trolls. Somebody out there loves you and hopefully you love yourself too. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Two days ago, I finally pumped out “Wolf’s Cannonball”, the martial arts retelling of Little Red Riding Hood. The next character from that story to be drawn will be Little Red Sniper. I ordered some red colored pencils from Amazon and I might wait for them to get here before I get started on this drawing. I might have other variations of red in my collection, I just have to look for them.

***BOOK REVIEW***

I only have a little over a hundred pages left to read from Chris Jericho’s third memoir “The Best in the World: At What I Have No Idea”. I would have made some progress on it today, but I was feeling the blahs as far as creativity went. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a more energetic day. I plan on giving this book the same grade I gave to Chris Jericho’s first two memoirs: four stars out of five. He’s witty, he’s to-the-point, he’s entertaining…what more could I ask for out of a pro-wrestler turned author?

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What did Barack Obama say to the Republican Party in 2012?

A: Damn Mitt!

Adapting to Change

***ADAPTING TO CHANGE***

We live in an era where everything we do has the potential for artistic merit. In the past, I’ve covered topics like reusing abandoned buildings, home improvement, and building Magic: the Gathering decks, all of which qualify as being creative projects if done in an innovative way. I’d like to add something else to this list, an underrated form of creativity that often gets taken for granted: adapting to change. As long as we live our lives, life will give us all the change we need. Whether it’s good change or bad change, the only way we can seek to improve ourselves is by rising from the ashes every time.

Writers have to adapt to change on a regular basis, especially if they’re working one-on-one with an editor. An editor’s job is simple: read an author’s manuscript and point out what things worked, what things didn’t, and what could be done to improve the things that didn’t. It is not an editor’s job, however, to make these changes for you. Yes, you have a better idea of what to change, but it’s ultimately up to you to decide how you will change those things. Even if an editor gives you a solution at your request, you, the author, are ultimately the one who says “yes” or “no” to that decision. When a writer has successfully adapted to the changes his manuscript is presented with, he will have a stronger product. He may have to edit several more times after that, but every time the literature will become stronger.

Episodic television shows have to adapt to change all the time. A screenwriter can produce weeks, months, or even seasons of television far in advance. But if an actor leaves the show, budgets become constrained, or the ratings aren’t high enough, adapting to change becomes more important than ever and all of that advance television has to be rewritten and reedited to accommodate those changes.

The original version of NCIS (Washington DC) has gone through several lineup changes during its current thirteen year run. In 2005, Sasha Alexander (Special Agent Caitlin Todd) left the show for unknown reasons, so her character was sniped by an Israeli terrorist named Ari. Ever since then, the audience was treated to Ziva David, a socially awkward, yet badass Probationary Agent. In 2013, Cote de Pablo (Ziva’s actor) left the show also for unknown reasons, so her character went back to Israel due to crippling guilt. She was replaced by socially awkward NSA analyst turned NCIS Special Agent Ellie Bishop. Don’t worry, because Emily Wickersham (Ellie’s actor) isn’t going anywhere for the time being. Michael Weatherly (Tony DiNozzo) on the other hand is leaving at the end of this current season. So many changes, so little time.

The WWE has to adapt to changes all the time, so that will keep the creative writers busy for a long, long time. In 2015, there were a shit ton of injuries that prevented certain wrestlers from competing. Seth Rollins tweaked his knee and had to give up the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, which is currently being held by his former Shield mate Roman Reigns. Daniel Bryan suffered a concussion and had to give up the Intercontinental Championship, which was won by Ryback in an Elimination Chamber match, won by Kevin Owens at Night of Champions, and won by Dean Ambrose at Tables, Ladders, and Chairs. Then Tyson Kidd, Cesaro, John Cena, and Sting started getting injured. The Divas division wasn’t safe either since Paige had concussion issues, Sasha Banks injured her knee, Nikki Bella snapped her neck, and Rosa Mendes became a mother for the first time in her life. Choosing wrestlers to take these injured workers’ places is a critical decision that must be made on the fly. Entire storylines have to be rewritten all over again to accommodate these new wrestlers.

Just like with every journal, I’m going to use my own life as an example as well. My life is for the most part pretty routine, humble, and satisfying. Major changes in my life are rare, but when they do happen, they usually come in the form of a schizophrenic attack. Offensive images and sounds will invade my mind to where I “flinch” away from them to minimize the pain. But as I flinch from them, I’m also flinching from other aspects of my life that I derive pleasure from, the most important one being heavy metal music. How do I adapt to a schizophrenic attack? Listening to more new age music is my most common method. I’ve written a shit ton of heavy metal song lyrics during schizophrenic episodes and they were well received by the public. But just recently, I’ve had to learn how to confront my schizophrenic demons. I had to play the images and sounds in my head so many times without flinching until the fear of them is conquered and dead. I’m no longer afraid of my own mental demons because I looked them in the eye and said, “Fuck you, I’m not moving!” The gatekeepers to my happiness have gone home…but for how long?

Change can come in many forms: a new city to live in, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, a physical injury, and many others that are easy to relate to. Learning how to live a normal life in the face of these changes is what will make you strong enough to never regret those changes happening. Change is inevitable, but strength is forever. No amount of change will make life impossibly hard to live. You simply learn to work around those issues and face the next challenge with a warrior’s spirit. Any piece of art can be created from the remains of destruction. The main character from Pink Floyd the Wall smashed up his hotel room and turned the broken furniture into a collage. It’s an insane way to think about it, but then again, insanity and creativity have strong ties to each other. We’ve got ears, say cheers!


***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

The next warrior to be drawn will be a villainess named Domino Gunn. If you’ve been following my art career in 2007, you would have seen her in a movie script called World of Darkness, where she was a lingerie-wearing dark paladin whose weapon of choice was a ball in chain. In today’s world, she’s a villainess in the Poison Tongue Tales short story “Stone Cold”. She tries to seduce the vengeful barbarian Brutus Warpath, but gets her throat ripped out instead. A lovely fate for a lovely lady.


***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

DANTE: You know what the real tragedy of all of this is? I’m not even supposed to be here today!

RANDAL: Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! Jesus, there you go again trying to pass the buck like I’m the source of all your fucking misery! Who closed the store to play hockey?! Who closed the store to go to a funeral?! Who tried to win back his ex-girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one?! You want to blame somebody for all of this?! Blame yourself! “I’m not even supposed to be here today!” You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here! You came here on your own volition! You like to think the weight of the world is on your shoulders like, “This place would fall apart if Dante wasn’t here!” You overcompensate for having what’s basically a monkey’s job! You push fucking buttons! Anybody can waltz in here and do what we do! You make it sound so much more epic, so much more important than it really is! Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante! And badly, I might add! I work in a shitty video store, badly as well! You know, that guy Jay has it right! He has no illusions about what he does for a living! Us, we like to think we’re so much more important than the people who come in here to buy a newspaper or, God forbid, cigarettes! We look down on those people like we’re so advanced! Well, if we’re so fucking advanced, why are we working here?!

-Clerks-

WWE Survivor Series: Roman Reigns vs. Dean Ambrose

MATCH: Roman Reigns vs. Dean Ambrose for the vacated WWE World Heavyweight Championship
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Survivor Series
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass


When Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose burst onto the scene in WWE, they were aligned with Seth Rollins as part of the most dominant trio the promotion has ever seen, The Shield. As members of this powerful alliance, Reigns and Rollins went on to become Tag Team of the Year and WWE Tag Team Champions while Dean Ambrose became the United States Champion. Every three-man team assembled to go against The Shield was destroyed and defeated with no absence of malice from The Wyatt Family to Team Hell No & Randy Orton to Evolution.

Just when The Shield was on top of the world, Seth Rollins got greedy and laid out Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns with chair shots as a way of accepting Triple H’s offer to join The Authority. Ever since stabbing his brothers in the back, Seth went on to become Mr. Money in the Bank and would eventually cash in the contract at Wrestlemania 31 to become WWE World Heavyweight Champion for the first time in his career. He also defeated John Cena at Summer Slam to become United States Champion in addition to being World Champion.

Despite having Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose (who were still best friends despite the end of The Shield) breathing down his neck, Seth Rollins would have gone on to hold the WWE World Heavyweight Championship forever if he hadn’t been for a debilitating knee injury he suffered during a live show in Ireland. Rollins would be forced to vacate the championship, undergo surgery, and rehabilitate for six to nine months.

In order to determine a new WWE Champion, Triple H put together a 16-man tournament which would culminate at the 2015 Survivor Series pay-per-view. In order to get to the finals, Dean Ambrose had to defeat NXT upstart Tyler Breeze, former World Champion Dolph Ziggler, and reigning Intercontinental Champion Kevin Owens. Roman Reigns’ road to the finals wasn’t any less challenging since he had to beat “The World’s Largest Athlete” The Big Show, “The Swiss Superman” Cesaro, and the reigning United States Champion Alberto Del Rio.

Up until Survivor Series, Ambrose and Reigns had each other’s backs throughout their various rivalries. When that opening bell rung, friendship and brotherhood went out the window. The two ring warriors went through too many screw jobs and too many beatings to just let each other have the WWE World Title handed to them. They were going to fight and they were going to brutalize each other in the process.

The instant the bell rang, Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose rushed to the center of the ring and started throwing rapid-fire punches to the face to dictate the match’s pace as being gunshot-fast. Dean Ambrose would perform multiple dives through the ropes and sacrifice his own health just to flatten Reigns. Reigns threw many Superman Punches and jacked the jaw of his best friend. They threw each other against the ring apron, audience barricade, and announce tables. They clotheslined, body slammed, suplexed, and even hit each other with their respective finishing moves, Roman Reigns using the Spear Tackle and Dean Ambrose using Dirty Deeds (double arm underhook DDT).

These two fighters beat each other so badly that they could do nothing but sit next to each other in frustration in order to figure out their next moves. They sat there pie-facing each other. Then they punched each other in the face. They got up and punched each other some more. Then they kicked each other. And then more hard-hitting haymakers and clotheslines were in the works. And then they were bouncing each other’s bodies off the canvass like hand grenades ready to explode from mind-blowing pain. Somewhere in this shuffle of fast-paced brawling, Roman Reigns found himself leaning against the turnbuckles with Dean Ambrose charging for him like a raging lunatic bull.

How did Roman Reigns respond? With a second (or third) Spear Tackle and a 1-2-3 pinning combination. The leader of the Roman Empire had finally done it after three years of WWE’s most hard-hitting challenges. Hernia surgeries, bruises, blood drops, broken bones, mind games, and fan hatred all tried to keep him down at the bottom of the grave. And then he rose to the surface and conquered the mountain for the first time in his career. Roman Reigns was so exhausted from his match with Dean Ambrose that he had the equilibrium of a drunkard.

This celebration was going to last forever in time: confetti, cheers, boos, and shaking hands with Dean Ambrose, that was what the top of the WWE mountain felt like for Roman Reigns. And then once Ambrose left, Sheamus appeared with his Money in the Bank briefcase and played the role of spoiler. A Money in the Bank contract guarantees the holder a WWE Championship match ANY time he wants one, even after a grueling match with The Lunatic Fringe himself. Two bicycle kicks later, Sheamus wins his less-than-a-minute match with Roman Reigns and becomes the new champion, much to the delight of Authority leader Triple H. The only thing left on Roman’s body to break and bruise was his heart and now it’s in a million pieces.

The buildup to this match was months in the making, Rollins’ injury aside. The eagerness tensed up within the fans to see this kick-ass match and it finally happened. The match itself was exciting, fast-paced, hard-hitting, and between two badass wrestlers who personify toughness and brutality. The fans adore Dean Ambrose and hate Roman Reigns, the latter of which I can’t understand since he’s an awesome performer despite his lack of experience. There were no losers in this deadly brawl. There were no winners either, only survivors and shattered soldiers.

The one aspect of this match I could have done without was Sheamus’ cowardly cash-in. Yes, I know cashing in Money in the Bank is something even my favorite wrestlers like Daniel Bryan, CM Punk, and Seth Rollins have done, but even so, this pay-per-view victory was supposed to be Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose’s moment to shine. It was supposed to shatter the glass ceiling and make it snow all over the Phillips Arena in Atlanta, Georgia. Sheamus, who held multiple World Titles in the past already, shit all over our hopes and dreams much like Randy Orton did in 2013 when he cashed in on a vulnerable Daniel Bryan. If it wasn’t for the fight being so damned entertaining and the buildup being so exciting, this match would have a received a mixed grade at best. But let the record books show that despite only holding it for a few minutes, Roman Reigns is a one-time WWE World Heavyweight Champion, a title he earned through three years of boots, blood, and barbarism.

WWE Hell in a Cell: Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker

MATCH: Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker in a Hell in a Cell rubber match
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Hell in a Cell
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence, but realistically, it should be higher due to blood
GRADE: Pass


The Undertaker had been a WWE wrestler since 1990. In those multiple decades of destruction, he has won multiple world titles and created frighteningly violent moments under the gimmick of an undead wrestler. He even had an undefeated streak when it came to competing at Wrestlemania pay-per-views, winning on 21 different occasions. The Hell in a Cell match itself is considered his specialty alongside Casket matches and Buried Alive matches. Bottom line: if you were an opponent of The Undertaker’s, Rest in Peace wouldn’t have been just a meaningless catchphrase. It was your ultimate fate as this demonic warrior dragged you to hell with him.

And then The Undertaker found his ultimate poison in the form of NCAA and UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar. They competed in Hell in a Cell and Biker Chain matches between 2002 and 2003 and Lesnar won all of these encounters. Fast forward to the year 2014, when the most shocking moment in Wrestlemania history overshadowed Daniel Bryan’s WWE Championship win. Lesnar was the one who snapped Undertaker’s undefeated streak and sent him to the hospital that same night.

Ever since that humiliating defeat, questions began to surface as to whether or not The Undertaker should retire from wrestling permanently. Not only was he pushing 50 years old, but the pictures fans took with him showed a weaker version of his former self. The man looked like he was dying from starvation and cancer at the same time. And then he returned to the 2015 Wrestlemania event with packed on muscle and a thicker hairstyle. He defeated Bray Wyatt in a match that was considered to be a classic despite Undertaker’s advanced age.

With this newfound courage, The Undertaker made yet another return at the Battleground pay-per-view when he kicked Brock Lesnar in the balls and gave him two Tombstone Piledrivers, effectively giving Lesnar his win against WWE Champion Seth Rollins via disqualification, when no title can change hands. The rivalry between Lesnar and Taker got so personal that they competed at Summer Slam, where the latter used a desperate low blow to help him achieve victory despite being a baby face.

And then we come to the 2015 Hell in a Cell pay-per-view, where the titular match between Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker would be the final chapter in their storied rivalry. No more controversy. No more shocks. No more bullshit. Just two warriors being locked in a prison cell and kicking the crap out of each other. When that cell door was closed and chained shut, the two wrestlers would put on a violent clinic that would last in the memories of everybody who watched it.

The match started out with both fighters intending to destroy each other, but ultimately finding counters for each other’s moves. Lesnar tried many times to take Undertaker to Suplex City, but the latter held onto the ropes and punched out his opponent with those huge hands.

And then the counters were over and these two just destroyed each other from this point on. Undertaker shoved Lesnar into a steel ring post and caused his forehead to drool with blood. Lesnar hit The Undertaker with heavy ass steel stairs and busted his forehead open as well. And then there were chair shots, more steel stair shots, and tosses against the chain-link cage. And then came Brock Lesnar’s F5’s and German suplexes. And then came Undertaker’s Hell’s Gate submission hold, which is really just a chokehold against the shins.

The bloody wounds on both combatants’ heads were so severe that the ringside doctor had to be called to patch them up. Undertaker was on his back and being tended to, but Brock Lesnar just wanted to beat the hell out of him some more. So what did the former UFC champion do? He grabbed that doctor and threw him around like a teddy bear. And then there were more beatings, including multiple punches from both fighters that did little to help their head wounds.

Lesnar wants to finish this match badly. He tears up the ring’s protective canvas and exposes the wooden boards underneath. He thinks he’s going to slam Undertaker on these boards and end the deadman’s career. Instead, Lesnar gets a choke slam and a Tombstone Piledriver for his efforts, but kicks out of both. Undertaker thinks he has this one in the bag and uses his throat slash taunt to show Lesnar who’s boss. And then Lesnar uses a low blow of his own and F5’s Undertaker onto the exposed wood for the match-ending three count. The 13 year feud between these two is finally over with Brock Lesnar as the victor.

Despite losing the match and laying in a broken heap, The Undertaker received adulation from everybody who watched that match. The fans were standing up and clapping for him. John Layfield, a normally heel commentator, was paying his respects to The Undertaker’s 25-year career. And me? I’m giving this match a passing grade and a TV-MA rating. The match itself was bloody, vicious, violent, and barbaric. Lesnar and Taker didn’t just have a wrestling match. They went to war with each other. If they were given AK-47’s and bazookas, you’re damn right they would have used them on each other. They would set the entire world on fire just to burn each other alive. That kind of sadism is why Undertaker got the respect he got at the Staples Center that night.

And then the ultimate act of disrespect and a candidate for Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic came when all four members of The Wyatt Family surrounded the ring with Undertaker struggling to stay standing. Bray Wyatt, Braun Strowman, Erick Rowan, and Luke Harper are all huge men north of 300 lbs. and they all ganged up on an already beaten down and bloodied Undertaker before carrying him off Jesus cross style. Everybody in the arena was sickened by this display, but none more so than the same heel commentator who praised The Undertaker the entire night, John Layfield. This is supposed to be a plot device to set up a four-on-four Survivor Series tag team elimination match between Team Undertaker and The Wyatt Family. It’s sick. It’s twisted. It’s disgusting. But it’s damn good television and doesn’t do anything to lower the passing grade. The only thing I have to say about all of this? If Hell in a Cell was hell on earth, Survivor Series is going to be the apocalypse. Run!

WWE Fast Lane: Roman Reigns vs. Daniel Bryan

MATCH: Roman Reigns vs. Daniel Bryan to determine the number one contender for Brock Lesnar’s WWE World Heavyweight Championship
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Fast Lane
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass


The Samoan badass known as Roman Reigns burst onto the scene in WWE in 2012 as part of a faction called The Shield, alongside independent wrestling veterans Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose. Together, The Shield had the gimmick of a paramilitary unit who would dominate matches and attack random superstars in the name of justice, using their superior teamwork. In mid-2013, Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins would eventually win the WWE Tag Team Titles and Dean Ambrose would win the United States Championship.

The most valuable player in this faction was Roman Reigns, a Samoan giant of a man who had the most eliminations in a Survivor Series tag match and in the 2014 Royal Rumble match. In 2013, he caught the attention of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter when they voted him Most Improved and as part of the Tag Team of the Year alongside Seth Rollins. Naturally, Mr. Reigns would receive a huge push from the company into main event status.

Because of Roman’s lack of experience and perceived lack of verbal skills, many in the WWE Universe feel his push was undeserved. In 2014, the Wrestling Observer Newsletter voted him in second place for the Most Overrated award, the actual winner being Kane. But it didn’t end there. In 2015, Roman Reigns would go on to win the Royal Rumble match and earn a spot in the main event at that year’s Wrestlemania.

On that fateful night, the casual dislike of Roman Reigns turned into fiery hatred. Despite being a baby face, Mr. Reigns was booed out of the building while the fans in attendance cheered for his opponent at Fast Lane, Daniel Bryan, who was eliminated early in the match despite his rapport with the fans. To quell the “controversy” surrounding the 2015 Royal Rumble pay-per-view, Triple H and Stephanie McMahon put together a match for Fast Lane between Reigns and Bryan where the winner would face Brock Lesnar for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at Wrestlemania.

The Fast Lane pay-per-view itself was a complete failure, but it was mostly the fans’ fault since they were dead throughout the entire thing. The matches were exciting, but with the fans acting like spoiled jerks, nobody would know it. The only match that would save the pay-per-view was the main event between Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan. Those two couldn’t just have a good match. They had to perform a necromantic ritual on the entire show. In other words, it had to be five stars, no more, no less.

And boy, did those two bring the fans back to life. Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan not only hit each other with everything they had and refused to quit, those hits were harder than hell. Daniel Bryan put on a kick-boxing clinic with his stiff roundhouse kicks and European uppercuts. He also twisted Roman Reigns’ body into a pretzel with his various submission holds, which included arm bars, surfboards, face stretches, if there was a way to rip apart the human anatomy, Daniel Bryan could do it and turn Roman Reigns into the human Fruit Rollup. Mr. Bryan’s hardest shot, however, had to be when he threw a kick-boxing strike to Roman Reigns’ surgical scar where he previously had hernia surgery. Roman Reigns would later describe that liver shot as the most painful thing he had ever experienced. He’s a tough guy, so that’s saying a lot.

But that’s not to say Roman Reigns didn’t put on a hell of a show himself. While Daniel Bryan is good at kick-boxing and jujitsu, Roman is good at just plain punching people in the mouth. He punched and superman punched Daniel Bryan so many times that it’s amazing the latter still had all of his teeth in his mouth. He also should have had black eyes the size of watermelons and broken ribs that shattered all over his body, but he didn’t. Bryan still had the energy to deliver his patented running knee finishing move to Roman, but Roman stood back up and delivered a thunderous spear tackle for a hard-fought victory.

After the match, the two bitter rivals shook hands, but not without Daniel Bryan telling Roman Reigns, “You’d better kick Brock Lesnar’s ass!” These two warriors beat the living crap out of each other. They made everyone in that dead arena believe that the two W’s in WWE stood for World War. That’s what this match was: war without machineguns and tanks. The wrestlers were sore, they were battered, they were bruised, they were bloodied, and they’d do it all again if they could. This deadly fight could easily be a candidate for Match of the Year. That, and maybe the Wrestling Observer Newsletter will think twice before calling Roman Reigns overrated again.

Ever since that show-stealing match, the careers or Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan took on slightly different paths. Roman did indeed challenge Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title at Wrestlemania, but couldn’t get the job done since Roman’s old tag team partner Seth Rollins cashed in his Money in the Bank contract in the middle of the match and pinned Reigns to win the title. Ever since that night, Reigns has struggled to get back in the championship picture time and time again.

Daniel Bryan’s career path would end with even more heartache than losing at Fast Lane. He competed at Wrestlemania in the seven-man ladder match for Wade Barrett’s Intercontinental Championship. Yes, it’s true Bryan won and became a Triple Crown and Grand Slam Champion, but weeks later after successfully defending the IC Title against Dolph Ziggler, Bryan had to surrender the belt due to injury. He swears he’s going to be back in action soon, but WWE management will probably be hesitant to push him like they did Roman Reigns. Before he returns to the ring, Bryan will fill the role of a judge on WWE’s reality series Tough Enough. That, and he has a DVD and book coming out, so don’t feel too bad for him.

At the end of the day, neither Daniel Bryan nor Roman Reigns can be considered overrated or less than five stars. They both deserve the spotlight despite their differences in skill set and experience. Is it any coincidence that I have action figures of both of them that I got for Christmas? Probably not. A passing grade goes to this badass wrestling clinic they put on at Fast Lane. A failing grade goes to the fans who attended that show and acted like they were bored out of their minds.

WWE Hell in a Cell: Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins

TITLE: WWE Hell in a Cell: Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins

GENRE: Professional Wrestling Match

RATING: TV-PG for moderate violence and brief language

GRADE: Pass

A Hell in a Cell match is more than a typical steel cage fight. In this case, the cage surrounds the entire ring and exposes the concrete floor. You can’t win the match by escape because there is no escape. It’s just you and your opponent inside a wire mesh cage with no rules or regulations to hold you back. As heel commentator JBL so appropriately puts it, the only limit to your attack is your imagination. Dean Ambrose has a wild imagination in case you couldn’t tell from his erratic behavior. Seth Rollins can be just as sadistic and crazy. The first Hell in a Cell match between John Cena and Randy Orton was…acceptable. But this main event match between Ambrose and Rollins was going to steal the show.

Normally a match of this caliber would start in the ring and the bell would sound off three times to start the battle. Dean Ambrose didn’t want that. Carrying a kendo stick like a samurai sword with him, he wanted to start on TOP of the cell. Seth Rollins along with his two stooges Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble were (kind of) happy to humor him. Mercury and Noble got kendo stick welts for their troubles and Rollins and Ambrose fell off the cage and crashed through the English and Spanish-speaking announce tables.

It could have been over before it started. Dean Ambrose didn’t want that ending. He got off of his stretcher and chased Seth Rollins down before throwing him in the cell to officially start the match. Once the bell rung three times, these two warriors brutalized each other. They used chairs, sticks, steel stairs, and wooden tables, all in an effort to achieve victory. Corporate Kane was outside the cell and interfered by blasting Ambrose in the face with a fire extinguisher. That didn’t cool off the fire in the Lunatic Fringe’s belly. He wasn’t just pissed off at Seth Rollins; he had a bloodlust for him. He wanted to torture and twist him in the most painful ways possible.

Dean Ambrose was so close to exacting his revenge when he put an unconscious Seth Rollins’ head on top of cinder blocks to set up for Rollins’ own finisher move, the curb stomp. And then the arena went black and strange tongues were being spoken with a lantern and a ghost in the center of the ring. The speaker of that tongues was none other than the hypnotic and frightening Bray Wyatt, who downed Dean Ambrose with a spinning face buster and allowed Seth Rollins to cover Ambrose for the 1-2-3 pin. The match is over, but the emotional scars bleed like waterfalls and the physical pains burn like hellfire.

And now for the actual critique. To put it shortly, this match was as violent and psychotic as anybody could ask for. The blood was minimal, but the pain was at its maximum with the creative use of weaponry and the multi-story fall from the start of the match. This wasn’t just a wrestling match; this was a fight for survival. Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins beat each other so badly after that fall it was amazing they didn’t have a hearse parked outside the arena. You’re damn right they were sore and bruised.

Believe it or not, the finish to the match where Bray Wyatt interfered didn’t bother me in the least bit. Yes, I wanted to see Dean Ambrose curb stomp Seth Rollins’ head into powder and slush. But then again, Bray Wyatt had been off of WWE television for a long time and needed a grand reintroduction. And now that the Hell in a Cell pay-per-view is in the books, we’re looking at a rivalry between Ambrose and Wyatt.

You know what that means? It means two crazies, two psychopaths are going to tear each other apart at some point. Dean Ambrose is like The Joker and Bray Wyatt is like Charles Manson. The two wrestlers have the mindset of serial killers and if they have to bleed each other out to get to the climax of their battle, well, let me put it his way: Seth Rollins is the luckiest guy on the planet. If these two loony tunes play enough mind games with each other for long enough, one of those minds will be running down a sewer drain while the other is bleeding with psychological trauma.

What you have to remember when watching WWE is everything happens for a reason. All you have to do as a fan is wait patiently for your favorites to triumph. It’s not an instant situation. It takes time for a climax to launch. Lots of time.

When Daniel Bryan was screwed out of the WWE Title at Summer Slam 2013, it took him until Wrestlemania XXX, which is an April 2014 pay-per-view to regain it. The point of this analogy is if you’re a fan and you want to see Seth Rollins get brutalized over and over again, but eventually for a final time, wait patiently. WWE waited patiently for Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins to climax and it paid off in the most violent way possible, which is why this match in particular gets a passing grade.

Mario Bryan

My characters are an extension of my personality in some way. Mario Bryan is no different. He’s an atheist liberal, he hears voices in his head, he was a pro-wrestling and MMA enthusiast, and he studied English in college. Mario and I couldn’t be more alike if we both were featured in the music video for “Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2” by Pink Floyd. Another way we’re alike is how we came to be schizophrenics. It was during a time in our lives when we thought nothing could touch us. We were riding high creatively and academically. Mario had a hot girlfriend named Tori Edge and I was getting used to the company of girls. And then when we started hearing voices in our heads, our charisma was pretty much nonexistent. Once the charisma was gone, so were our social circles. This is how we graduated from high school: lost in delusion and all alone in the process. For me, college was more of the same: tons of head voices and nobody to be friends with. But for Mario Bryan, it’s not too late just yet. He was my main character in a Good Reads college genre role-playing game. His first appearance in the collective storyline was at Barnes & Noble, where he would purchase the darkly funny thriller “Pipsqueak” by Brian Wiprud. During this transaction, he wouldn’t even look the clerk in the eye and she couldn’t do it either. Mario just gave her his debit card and she charged it for the purchase. When he went over to the tea bar, however, the storyline became slightly more interesting. The female clerk (Emily) was being yelled at by her boss and she could do nothing but run over to the tea bar as an escape plan. With this stressed out lady in front of him, Mario did something his introversion and schizophrenia would never allow him to do: he asked if she was okay. The conversation between him and Emily started getting more casual with topics ranging from tastes in literature to college majors. There was one point in the conversation where Mario did a Bullwinkle impression for her and she giggled at it. She didn’t know who Bullwinkle was, but she loved the impression anyways. Two socially awkward people such as Mario and Emily would have made great friends, maybe even a great couple at best. Due to inactivity and nobody showing an interest in playing with me, this gimmick never materialized. Mario Bryan is still a schizophrenic college student, but now he doesn’t have a college to go to. At least with his disability, he can collect social security until he’s ready for the job market. The only question now is, what kind of job will he take? I’m sure there’s somebody out there who needs a weirdo like him.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I've built myself a stage to plea. The curtains closed, it's only me. It's only me to beg and to plead. Left for dead and left to bleed. Thirteen struck dead, unlucky at best. I'll never rest, in hell I'm just a guest. So listen closely because I'll only say it once before departing. When the show ends it's really only starting.”

-Sworn In singing “XIII”-