Showing posts with label Brock Lesnar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Brock Lesnar. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 4, 2026
Friday, January 2, 2026
Sunday, May 7, 2017
Most Disgusting Promotional Tactics of 2016
***MOST DISGUSTING PROMOTIONAL TACTICS OF 2016***
Over the years of doing these kinds of journals, I’ve always
rationalized posting these by saying it’s all in the name of creative fuel.
Only a handful of times has a disgusting promotional tactic in wrestling and
MMA resulted in any artistic ideas or stories. I might as well come clean while
I’ve got the chance. I love shocking the hell out of people. I’ve loved it
since hearing my first George Carlin routine as a sophomore in high school.
When Susan was living with us, I’d tell her about these awful promotional
tactics and she’d give me this wide-eyed stare while yelling, “That’s fucked
up!” Think of this as combining my love for shocking people with my love for
pro-wrestling and MMA. In the year 2016, nine items were nominated for Most
Disgusting Promotional Tactic. Nine! I’ll analyze each item from winner to last
place and I’ll see if I can get those gasps out of you guys. This somehow
reminds me of the Disney movie Monsters Inc. Hehe! Let’s get started!
WINNER: Bellator MMA booking a fight between Kimbo Slice and
Dada 5000.
ANALYSIS: Having a mind-numbingly boring match on a
pay-per-view card isn’t necessarily a recipe for offensiveness (unless you paid
a shit-load of money to see it). When both fighters are older than dust,
overweight, dehydrated, and have to be helped out of their stools in between
rounds, then I can see how it might be just a tad exploitative. It doesn’t help
matters that Kimbo Slice died in mid-2016 just a day after Muhammad Ali passed
as well. Putting fighters in danger and putting fans to sleep: Jesus, Bellator!
SECOND PLACE: Brock Lesnar bloodying Randy Orton’s forehead
with stiff elbows.
ANALYSIS: While I admit that booking this muscle freak Brock
Lesnar as a 21st century killing machine is smart on WWE’s part,
concussing Randy Orton just to get some blood on TV is going a little too far.
I don’t mind blood on a TV-PG pay-per-view. Hell, I was with the fans at NXT
TakeOver: Dallas
when they chanted “Fuck PG!” after Samoa Joe was busted open. But if you’re a
company that’s trying to fight off a concussion lawsuit, stiff elbows to the
forehead might not be the way to go. Let’s not forget how Chris Benoit met his
unfortunate end. Andrew “Test” Martin, too.
ANALYSIS: Domestic violence is bad enough, but when you’re
sticking your mug shot on a T-shirt and selling it online, that’s pretty much
like rubbing salt in the wound. It’s like those cops in New York wearing T-shirts that say, “Breathe
easy, don’t break the law” after they choked the shit out of that black dude.
In Adam Rose’s case, he justified his actions by saying it’s a celebration of
making it through dark times and even said his wife suggested that the mug shot
go on a white tank top. Get it? Because it’s called a wifebeater? Ha, ha,
ha…ha, ha….ugh…
ANALYSIS: Believe it or not, this was a candidate for the
award in 2015 as well. It’s also the only item so far that has garnered a short
story idea for me. It’s called “Gender Blind” and it’s about an MMA promotion
that books their first man vs. woman match and generates a shit-ton of
controversy in the process. Supporters of Lucha Underground could argue
equality between men and women, but come on, what’s so equal about Pentagon Jr.
slapping the shit out of Sexy Star? Maybe they should put their mug shots on a
T-shirt and generate more revenue.
ANALYSIS: Thank god this match didn’t actually take place,
but Kandori’s replacement wasn’t any less of a mismatch with Gabi Garcia. Miss
Garcia is a young lady with more muscles and veins on her body than actual skin
while Kandori’s replacement is a super old former professional wrestler with a
broken down body and a shorter stature. Not surprisingly, Gabi Garcia won the
fight via TKO in a short amount of time, much like a high school football
player beating up a fifth grader for his lunch money.
ANALYSIS: In addition to being the front man for The
Smashing Pumpkins, Billy Corgan is also passionate about pro-wrestling, so much
so that he tried to buy TNA and save them from their ultimate demise.
Unfortunately, he never got his money back and tried to sue the company for his
owed payments. TNA being irresponsible with money? Huh. Who would’ve thunk it?
TNA has since been saved by Anthem Sports, but it still leaves a sour taste in
Billy Corgan’s mouth. Sour tastes aren’t necessarily good for singing Smashing
Pumpkins songs.
ANALYSIS: The Montreal Screwjob in 1997 will go down as one
of the biggest mistreatments of loyal wrestlers in history. Bret Hart was
supposed to win his match with Shawn Michaels and keep his WWF Championship in
front of the Canadian crowd. And then Shawn Michaels beat Bret with his own
sharpshooter move and stole the championship. Fast forward to 2016 and the same
thing happens with Natalya when she tries to defeat Charlotte Flair for the WWE
Women’s Championship, right in front of Uncle Bret. Barf!
ANALYSIS: Had this been done at a different time, it might
have been compared to the excellent trolling job Mark Henry did when he gave
his fake retirement speech in 2013. Daniel Bryan’s legitimate retirement was
still fresh in the audience’s minds. There wasn’t a dry eye in that whole room.
Sasha Banks also had her adoring fans in tears. And then Dana Brooke came out
to attack her only for Sasha to miraculously recover from her knee injury and
fight Dana off. Bad timing. Bad, bad timing. Horrible timing!
ANALYSIS: Once again, MMA organizations have to be told not
to book super old people in fighting competitions. This is the third item on
the list to be guilty of mistreating elderly cage fighters. Sure, these
fighters need paychecks, but come on, really? There’s nothing else these poor
people can do? Nothing at all? No commentating? No producing? No booking? What
the fuck, Japan ?
Nine items on this list, nine reasons for your eyes to bulge
from your head, nine reasons for you to scream, “That’s fucked up!” Come on,
you know you want to. Humor me. I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you soon!
***DEMON AXE: EPILOGUE***
It finally happened, ladies and gentlemen: ding, dong, Roger
Zee is dead. His head exploded because he couldn’t handle the magic of heavy
metal. His own tightly wound ass did him in. Unfortunately, the 22nd
chapter ended with Daniel Mercer collapsing onstage, probably due to
overexerting his rib injuries (despite wearing a flak vest for protection).
Does he really want to wake up and deal with the traumatic voices in his head,
especially after what Roger Zee did to him in the last few moments of the novel
(if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you). How do I write an epilogue for
a guy who’s next in line to rule the elven kingdom if he’s got a busted body
and a haunted mind? This is going to take some J.K. Rowling-level toughness on
Daniel’s part, and lots of it.
***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
SHEAMUS: You’ll get your chance to fight me at TLC. And
brother, you’d better step up.
ROMAN REIGNS: You see, that’s the thing, Sheamus. You’re
still just talking. You’re still just yapping. Yap ,
yap, yap. I thought Irishmen had potatoes. Turns out you’re just smuggling some
tater tots.
YOU TUBER: Oh my god! Oh my god! “I thought Irishmen had
potatoes! I thought Asian people had rice! I thought black people had fried
chicken!” What the fuck?! Tater tots?! That’s the stupidest fucking shit I’ve
ever heard in my life! And here I thought it couldn’t get any worse than
“sufferin’ succotash”! “Sufferin’ fuckin’ succotash” to “tater tots”! Wow! Do
they fucking hate Samoans in the WWE?!
Friday, October 30, 2015
WWE Hell in a Cell: Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker
MATCH: Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker in a Hell in a Cell rubber match
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Hell in a Cell
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence, but realistically, it should be higher due to blood
GRADE: Pass
The Undertaker had been a WWE wrestler since 1990. In those multiple decades of destruction, he has won multiple world titles and created frighteningly violent moments under the gimmick of an undead wrestler. He even had an undefeated streak when it came to competing at Wrestlemania pay-per-views, winning on 21 different occasions. The Hell in a Cell match itself is considered his specialty alongside Casket matches and Buried Alive matches. Bottom line: if you were an opponent of The Undertaker’s, Rest in Peace wouldn’t have been just a meaningless catchphrase. It was your ultimate fate as this demonic warrior dragged you to hell with him.
And then The Undertaker found his ultimate poison in the form of NCAA and UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar. They competed in Hell in a Cell and Biker Chain matches between 2002 and 2003 and Lesnar won all of these encounters. Fast forward to the year 2014, when the most shocking moment in Wrestlemania history overshadowed Daniel Bryan’s WWE Championship win. Lesnar was the one who snapped Undertaker’s undefeated streak and sent him to the hospital that same night.
Ever since that humiliating defeat, questions began to surface as to whether or not The Undertaker should retire from wrestling permanently. Not only was he pushing 50 years old, but the pictures fans took with him showed a weaker version of his former self. The man looked like he was dying from starvation and cancer at the same time. And then he returned to the 2015 Wrestlemania event with packed on muscle and a thicker hairstyle. He defeated Bray Wyatt in a match that was considered to be a classic despite Undertaker’s advanced age.
With this newfound courage, The Undertaker made yet another return at the Battleground pay-per-view when he kicked Brock Lesnar in the balls and gave him two Tombstone Piledrivers, effectively giving Lesnar his win against WWE Champion Seth Rollins via disqualification, when no title can change hands. The rivalry between Lesnar and Taker got so personal that they competed at Summer Slam, where the latter used a desperate low blow to help him achieve victory despite being a baby face.
And then we come to the 2015 Hell in a Cell pay-per-view, where the titular match between Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker would be the final chapter in their storied rivalry. No more controversy. No more shocks. No more bullshit. Just two warriors being locked in a prison cell and kicking the crap out of each other. When that cell door was closed and chained shut, the two wrestlers would put on a violent clinic that would last in the memories of everybody who watched it.
The match started out with both fighters intending to destroy each other, but ultimately finding counters for each other’s moves. Lesnar tried many times to take Undertaker to Suplex City, but the latter held onto the ropes and punched out his opponent with those huge hands.
And then the counters were over and these two just destroyed each other from this point on. Undertaker shoved Lesnar into a steel ring post and caused his forehead to drool with blood. Lesnar hit The Undertaker with heavy ass steel stairs and busted his forehead open as well. And then there were chair shots, more steel stair shots, and tosses against the chain-link cage. And then came Brock Lesnar’s F5’s and German suplexes. And then came Undertaker’s Hell’s Gate submission hold, which is really just a chokehold against the shins.
The bloody wounds on both combatants’ heads were so severe that the ringside doctor had to be called to patch them up. Undertaker was on his back and being tended to, but Brock Lesnar just wanted to beat the hell out of him some more. So what did the former UFC champion do? He grabbed that doctor and threw him around like a teddy bear. And then there were more beatings, including multiple punches from both fighters that did little to help their head wounds.
Lesnar wants to finish this match badly. He tears up the ring’s protective canvas and exposes the wooden boards underneath. He thinks he’s going to slam Undertaker on these boards and end the deadman’s career. Instead, Lesnar gets a choke slam and a Tombstone Piledriver for his efforts, but kicks out of both. Undertaker thinks he has this one in the bag and uses his throat slash taunt to show Lesnar who’s boss. And then Lesnar uses a low blow of his own and F5’s Undertaker onto the exposed wood for the match-ending three count. The 13 year feud between these two is finally over with Brock Lesnar as the victor.
Despite losing the match and laying in a broken heap, The Undertaker received adulation from everybody who watched that match. The fans were standing up and clapping for him. John Layfield, a normally heel commentator, was paying his respects to The Undertaker’s 25-year career. And me? I’m giving this match a passing grade and a TV-MA rating. The match itself was bloody, vicious, violent, and barbaric. Lesnar and Taker didn’t just have a wrestling match. They went to war with each other. If they were given AK-47’s and bazookas, you’re damn right they would have used them on each other. They would set the entire world on fire just to burn each other alive. That kind of sadism is why Undertaker got the respect he got at the Staples Center that night.
And then the ultimate act of disrespect and a candidate for Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic came when all four members of The Wyatt Family surrounded the ring with Undertaker struggling to stay standing. Bray Wyatt, Braun Strowman, Erick Rowan, and Luke Harper are all huge men north of 300 lbs. and they all ganged up on an already beaten down and bloodied Undertaker before carrying him off Jesus cross style. Everybody in the arena was sickened by this display, but none more so than the same heel commentator who praised The Undertaker the entire night, John Layfield. This is supposed to be a plot device to set up a four-on-four Survivor Series tag team elimination match between Team Undertaker and The Wyatt Family. It’s sick. It’s twisted. It’s disgusting. But it’s damn good television and doesn’t do anything to lower the passing grade. The only thing I have to say about all of this? If Hell in a Cell was hell on earth, Survivor Series is going to be the apocalypse. Run!
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Hell in a Cell
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence, but realistically, it should be higher due to blood
GRADE: Pass
The Undertaker had been a WWE wrestler since 1990. In those multiple decades of destruction, he has won multiple world titles and created frighteningly violent moments under the gimmick of an undead wrestler. He even had an undefeated streak when it came to competing at Wrestlemania pay-per-views, winning on 21 different occasions. The Hell in a Cell match itself is considered his specialty alongside Casket matches and Buried Alive matches. Bottom line: if you were an opponent of The Undertaker’s, Rest in Peace wouldn’t have been just a meaningless catchphrase. It was your ultimate fate as this demonic warrior dragged you to hell with him.
And then The Undertaker found his ultimate poison in the form of NCAA and UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar. They competed in Hell in a Cell and Biker Chain matches between 2002 and 2003 and Lesnar won all of these encounters. Fast forward to the year 2014, when the most shocking moment in Wrestlemania history overshadowed Daniel Bryan’s WWE Championship win. Lesnar was the one who snapped Undertaker’s undefeated streak and sent him to the hospital that same night.
Ever since that humiliating defeat, questions began to surface as to whether or not The Undertaker should retire from wrestling permanently. Not only was he pushing 50 years old, but the pictures fans took with him showed a weaker version of his former self. The man looked like he was dying from starvation and cancer at the same time. And then he returned to the 2015 Wrestlemania event with packed on muscle and a thicker hairstyle. He defeated Bray Wyatt in a match that was considered to be a classic despite Undertaker’s advanced age.
With this newfound courage, The Undertaker made yet another return at the Battleground pay-per-view when he kicked Brock Lesnar in the balls and gave him two Tombstone Piledrivers, effectively giving Lesnar his win against WWE Champion Seth Rollins via disqualification, when no title can change hands. The rivalry between Lesnar and Taker got so personal that they competed at Summer Slam, where the latter used a desperate low blow to help him achieve victory despite being a baby face.
And then we come to the 2015 Hell in a Cell pay-per-view, where the titular match between Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker would be the final chapter in their storied rivalry. No more controversy. No more shocks. No more bullshit. Just two warriors being locked in a prison cell and kicking the crap out of each other. When that cell door was closed and chained shut, the two wrestlers would put on a violent clinic that would last in the memories of everybody who watched it.
The match started out with both fighters intending to destroy each other, but ultimately finding counters for each other’s moves. Lesnar tried many times to take Undertaker to Suplex City, but the latter held onto the ropes and punched out his opponent with those huge hands.
And then the counters were over and these two just destroyed each other from this point on. Undertaker shoved Lesnar into a steel ring post and caused his forehead to drool with blood. Lesnar hit The Undertaker with heavy ass steel stairs and busted his forehead open as well. And then there were chair shots, more steel stair shots, and tosses against the chain-link cage. And then came Brock Lesnar’s F5’s and German suplexes. And then came Undertaker’s Hell’s Gate submission hold, which is really just a chokehold against the shins.
The bloody wounds on both combatants’ heads were so severe that the ringside doctor had to be called to patch them up. Undertaker was on his back and being tended to, but Brock Lesnar just wanted to beat the hell out of him some more. So what did the former UFC champion do? He grabbed that doctor and threw him around like a teddy bear. And then there were more beatings, including multiple punches from both fighters that did little to help their head wounds.
Lesnar wants to finish this match badly. He tears up the ring’s protective canvas and exposes the wooden boards underneath. He thinks he’s going to slam Undertaker on these boards and end the deadman’s career. Instead, Lesnar gets a choke slam and a Tombstone Piledriver for his efforts, but kicks out of both. Undertaker thinks he has this one in the bag and uses his throat slash taunt to show Lesnar who’s boss. And then Lesnar uses a low blow of his own and F5’s Undertaker onto the exposed wood for the match-ending three count. The 13 year feud between these two is finally over with Brock Lesnar as the victor.
Despite losing the match and laying in a broken heap, The Undertaker received adulation from everybody who watched that match. The fans were standing up and clapping for him. John Layfield, a normally heel commentator, was paying his respects to The Undertaker’s 25-year career. And me? I’m giving this match a passing grade and a TV-MA rating. The match itself was bloody, vicious, violent, and barbaric. Lesnar and Taker didn’t just have a wrestling match. They went to war with each other. If they were given AK-47’s and bazookas, you’re damn right they would have used them on each other. They would set the entire world on fire just to burn each other alive. That kind of sadism is why Undertaker got the respect he got at the Staples Center that night.
And then the ultimate act of disrespect and a candidate for Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic came when all four members of The Wyatt Family surrounded the ring with Undertaker struggling to stay standing. Bray Wyatt, Braun Strowman, Erick Rowan, and Luke Harper are all huge men north of 300 lbs. and they all ganged up on an already beaten down and bloodied Undertaker before carrying him off Jesus cross style. Everybody in the arena was sickened by this display, but none more so than the same heel commentator who praised The Undertaker the entire night, John Layfield. This is supposed to be a plot device to set up a four-on-four Survivor Series tag team elimination match between Team Undertaker and The Wyatt Family. It’s sick. It’s twisted. It’s disgusting. But it’s damn good television and doesn’t do anything to lower the passing grade. The only thing I have to say about all of this? If Hell in a Cell was hell on earth, Survivor Series is going to be the apocalypse. Run!
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Treehouse of Hell
***TREEHOUSE OF HELL***
For some reason, the title of this journal sounds like a secret level in one of the Diablo computer games. I can fully imagine taking my barbarian and paladin and storming the shit out of that place, purging it of demons forever (or at least until Diablo is resurrected for the next videogame). As much as I’d like for this to happen, that’s actually not why I’m writing this journal. This review is about something much deeper: reviews.
When it comes to reviews, writing them has become over time just as much a part of my professional life as paperback copies of Occupy Wrestling, American Darkness, and Confessions of a Schizophrenic Savage. Whenever I read a book, I feel obligated to write a review for it in order to help that author out no matter how famous or obscure he or she may be. I recently wrote reviews for the obscure “Girlfriend Wager” by Edward Davies and the wildly popular “Silence of the Lambs” by Thomas Harris. Both books received passing grades (four stars) and are more popular for their reviews. Then again, honestly critiquing the book does more for an author than giving the book a particular number of stars. Honesty is the best policy. Don’t bullshit people when you write your reviews. In the words of George Carlin, “It’s all bullshit and it’s bad for you.”
But that’s with books. What about TV shows? What about movies? What about wrestling or mixed-martial arts matches? I’m not a movie director or a pro-athlete by any stretch of the imagination, so I don’t have as much influence over television as I do with books. I’ll admit that there are times when I feel down about people not caring about my television reviews. But then I remember that this is the internet and people get ignored all the time. If I give up writing television reviews just because of the lack of demand, then that goes against the whole idea of writing: because it’s good creative fun.
Now that I’ve said that, I want you all to pay attention to the date October 25th, 2015. On that Sunday night at 8:00 pacific time, there will be two different shows going on at the same time. The first will be a pay-per-view event only broadcast on the WWE Network called Hell in a Cell, in which the two titular matches will be Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker and Roman Reigns vs. Bray Wyatt. The other TV program going on at that time will be The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror 26, which is a Halloween tradition for the Haines-Temons-Stevens-Wilson household.
Normally, I would have to choose one or the other, but thanks to the magic of my Roku streaming device, I can watch one show on that Sunday night and watch the other one at a later time at my leisure. The point of telling you the significance of the 25th? Because both TV shows will be ripe for the picking when it comes to reviews. That would lead you guys to believe why I didn’t review any matches on the NXT Takeover special called Respect. That NXT pay-per-view was so damn good top to bottom that writing praise for it would be overkill. Not so much with Hell in a Cell, where anything can and will happen.
Halloween is one of my favorite holidays for many reasons: good candy, creative costumes, kick-ass TV shows, and the all around frightening spirit of that night. I may be 30 years old, but acting my age is not one of my virtues. I’m definitely dressing up for Halloween and it’s going to be fun! We’ve got ears, say cheers!
***READING PRIORITIES***
With “The Girlfriend Wager” and “Silence of the Lambs” in my rearview mirror, it’s time for two more books to go on my currently reading shelf on Good Reads. One of those books is called “January First” by Michael Schofield, in which the author recounts his experiences with raising a daughter who was diagnosed with schizophrenia at the tender age of six. As you can tell, this has a special place in my heart since I was diagnosed at age 17. I’ve heard the other book I’m going to read has mental health implications as well. It’s called “Love Me Today, Kill Me Tomorrow” by my very own beautiful beta reader Marie Krepps. I can’t wait to get started on these!
***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***
October has been unofficially dubbed by my good friend Zero Urrea as “villains month”. He’s been pumping out MS Paint pictures of various villains that catch his fancy and I will be doing the same with my pencil and paper drawings. The next villain on the horizon for me is Colleen Owens, the machete-wielding eco-warrior who along with a crew of pirates slashes the shit out of Riff De La Luka’s weed-smuggling crew in the short story “Bleed For Weed”. Riff already has a drawing of him online and he’s bearing resemblance to Dee Jay from Super Street Fighter II. I haven’t decided yet who I’m going to use for Colleen Owens’ reference picture model, but I’m leaning towards Brie Bella from the WWE since they both hold strong pro-environmental views. Although to be fair to Brie, she would never hack random drug smugglers to pieces with a machete…as far as I know. Hehe!
***JOKE OF THE DAY***
Q: What’s Edward Davies’ favorite kind of shotgun?
A: Sod-Off.
For some reason, the title of this journal sounds like a secret level in one of the Diablo computer games. I can fully imagine taking my barbarian and paladin and storming the shit out of that place, purging it of demons forever (or at least until Diablo is resurrected for the next videogame). As much as I’d like for this to happen, that’s actually not why I’m writing this journal. This review is about something much deeper: reviews.
When it comes to reviews, writing them has become over time just as much a part of my professional life as paperback copies of Occupy Wrestling, American Darkness, and Confessions of a Schizophrenic Savage. Whenever I read a book, I feel obligated to write a review for it in order to help that author out no matter how famous or obscure he or she may be. I recently wrote reviews for the obscure “Girlfriend Wager” by Edward Davies and the wildly popular “Silence of the Lambs” by Thomas Harris. Both books received passing grades (four stars) and are more popular for their reviews. Then again, honestly critiquing the book does more for an author than giving the book a particular number of stars. Honesty is the best policy. Don’t bullshit people when you write your reviews. In the words of George Carlin, “It’s all bullshit and it’s bad for you.”
But that’s with books. What about TV shows? What about movies? What about wrestling or mixed-martial arts matches? I’m not a movie director or a pro-athlete by any stretch of the imagination, so I don’t have as much influence over television as I do with books. I’ll admit that there are times when I feel down about people not caring about my television reviews. But then I remember that this is the internet and people get ignored all the time. If I give up writing television reviews just because of the lack of demand, then that goes against the whole idea of writing: because it’s good creative fun.
Now that I’ve said that, I want you all to pay attention to the date October 25th, 2015. On that Sunday night at 8:00 pacific time, there will be two different shows going on at the same time. The first will be a pay-per-view event only broadcast on the WWE Network called Hell in a Cell, in which the two titular matches will be Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker and Roman Reigns vs. Bray Wyatt. The other TV program going on at that time will be The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror 26, which is a Halloween tradition for the Haines-Temons-Stevens-Wilson household.
Normally, I would have to choose one or the other, but thanks to the magic of my Roku streaming device, I can watch one show on that Sunday night and watch the other one at a later time at my leisure. The point of telling you the significance of the 25th? Because both TV shows will be ripe for the picking when it comes to reviews. That would lead you guys to believe why I didn’t review any matches on the NXT Takeover special called Respect. That NXT pay-per-view was so damn good top to bottom that writing praise for it would be overkill. Not so much with Hell in a Cell, where anything can and will happen.
Halloween is one of my favorite holidays for many reasons: good candy, creative costumes, kick-ass TV shows, and the all around frightening spirit of that night. I may be 30 years old, but acting my age is not one of my virtues. I’m definitely dressing up for Halloween and it’s going to be fun! We’ve got ears, say cheers!
***READING PRIORITIES***
With “The Girlfriend Wager” and “Silence of the Lambs” in my rearview mirror, it’s time for two more books to go on my currently reading shelf on Good Reads. One of those books is called “January First” by Michael Schofield, in which the author recounts his experiences with raising a daughter who was diagnosed with schizophrenia at the tender age of six. As you can tell, this has a special place in my heart since I was diagnosed at age 17. I’ve heard the other book I’m going to read has mental health implications as well. It’s called “Love Me Today, Kill Me Tomorrow” by my very own beautiful beta reader Marie Krepps. I can’t wait to get started on these!
***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***
October has been unofficially dubbed by my good friend Zero Urrea as “villains month”. He’s been pumping out MS Paint pictures of various villains that catch his fancy and I will be doing the same with my pencil and paper drawings. The next villain on the horizon for me is Colleen Owens, the machete-wielding eco-warrior who along with a crew of pirates slashes the shit out of Riff De La Luka’s weed-smuggling crew in the short story “Bleed For Weed”. Riff already has a drawing of him online and he’s bearing resemblance to Dee Jay from Super Street Fighter II. I haven’t decided yet who I’m going to use for Colleen Owens’ reference picture model, but I’m leaning towards Brie Bella from the WWE since they both hold strong pro-environmental views. Although to be fair to Brie, she would never hack random drug smugglers to pieces with a machete…as far as I know. Hehe!
***JOKE OF THE DAY***
Q: What’s Edward Davies’ favorite kind of shotgun?
A: Sod-Off.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
WWE Live From Madison Square Garden: Brock Lesnar vs. The Big Show
MATCH: Brock Lesnar vs. The Big Show
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Live From Madison Square Garden
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass
On one side of the ring, you have a seven foot tall, 450 lb. giant with multiple championships and an Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal trophy on his resume. On the other side of the ring, you have a 6’7”, 285 lb. fighting machine with championships from the NCAA, WWE, and even the UFC to his credit. These two super heavyweights aren’t just big and burly. They’re legitimate athletes. They can steamroll any opponent put in front of them. They can put multiple people in the hospital at once. They’re fighters by nature. And even though they’re both past their primes, they keep getting bigger, stronger, meaner, nastier, and better. Only on the WWE Network will these two weapons of mass destruction be allowed to compete. What better place to hold the deadly fight than at Madison Square Garden, the world’s most famous arena and a staple of New York City?
Believe it or not, these two behemoths have survived each other’s onslaughts before. Their first recorded WWE match was in 2002 at the Survivor Series for Lesnar’s WWE Championship. 2002 was Lesnar’s rookie year and already he was dominating this turnbuckle jungle. He won the King of the Ring Tournament. He defeated The Rock to become the WWE Champion at age 25, the youngest at the time. He held multiple victories over The Undertaker. Nobody could stop this wrecking machine from hell…except for The Big Show, who with a steel chair and a little help from a treacherous Paul Heyman, pinned Brock Lesnar and won the WWE Championship.
As badly as these two men beat each other over that year, it wouldn’t compare to an episode of Smackdown in 2003, when Brock Lesnar once again had to defend his WWE Championship against The Big Show. Ass beatings were definitely in order, but the climax of the match didn’t come until Big Show was on the top rope and Lesnar had the idea of super-plexing this mega giant. Not only did Brock Lesnar have the Greek god-like strength to heave the 500 lb. man up, but when the two superstars crashed to the mat, the entire ring fell to pieces. The match was declared a draw, but that moment remained one of Smackdown’s most memorable.
Fast forward to the year 2014 when both The Big Show and Brock Lesnar had developed as brutally powerful athletes. They would meet again at that year’s Royal Rumble pay-per-view. The even itself was greeted with negativity due to Daniel Bryan’s absence from the actual Royal Rumble match, but if the fans ever needed a reason to cheer up, they got it when Brock Lesnar and Big Show’s match never got started. The reason for that being Lesnar’s vicious steel chair assault to Big Show, leaving bruises, blood, and slashes all over the giant’s body.
And now we fast forward to the year 2015 at WWE’s live event in Madison Square Garden. No more bullshit. No more draws, No more cheap shots. No more betrayal. Just straight up violence and nothing more. Though the match itself was relatively shorter than the rest of the matches on the card, it was no less brutal or deadly. It was a match that started with Lesnar attempting a double-leg takedown on Big Show and getting thrown over the top rope by Show instead.
The first few minutes of the match consisted of Lesnar trying to heave and toss around this 500 lb. warrior to no success whatsoever. Big Show decided to end it early with not one, not two, but three choke slams and a leg-hook pin. Even after falling seven feet three times, Lesnar got his shoulder up at two and the match resumed. Big Show was pissed. He was so pissed that he wanted to end it early again, this time with a knockout punch once Lesnar got to his feet.
Big Show didn’t get a KO victory, no, no, no. He got a one-way all expenses paid trip to Suplex City and Madison Square Garden was the capitol building. Brock Lesnar went behind the massive athlete, wrapped his arms around Big Show’s waist, and gave him not one, not two, not even three, but four German suplexes. Having enough strength to throw a 500 lb. man around like that says something about how much of a slayer Lesnar really is. And then this display of brutal strength was capped off with an F5 from Lesnar to Big Show, followed by a leg-hook pin for a full three count.
You think this is over? Aren’t you forgetting the bonus material? That’s right. Big Show actually got back up to his feet and flipped of his opponent. Granted, this titan was on spaghetti legs and couldn’t clear the cobwebs out of his thick skull, but he was clearly itching for another fight. Lesnar was more than happy to oblige. He got back in the ring and delivered an overhead belly-to-belly suplex to the massive ogre before picking his battered ass back up and giving another F5 for good measure. Needless to say, Brock was fully satisfied and walked away from the arena a happy man.
Big Show, on the other hand, walked to the backstage area holding his ribs and trying to maintain his equilibrium. When ringside announcer Eden Stiles said into her microphone, “Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it one more time for The Big Show!”, all the seven-footer heard was a chorus of boos.
Despite the short length of this match, the multiple displays of sheer power by Brock Lesnar were awesome to watch. Having The Big Show do a job for him was the right move by WWE. And not only was it an important victory for Brock, it was a convincing one. Big Show suffered losses over his career to men much smaller than him.
But this match didn’t feel excessively scripted. This match actually felt like two big men trying to outmuscle each other. Lesnar isn’t used to being the underdog in his matches, so him being victorious in definitive fashion is a huge momentum builder for what awaits him next: a Hell in a Cell match with The Undertaker. After tossing around a man twice his size like he was medicine ball, Brock Lesnar doesn’t look like an underdog anymore, especially not against The Undertaker in a match the latter made famous.
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Live From Madison Square Garden
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass
On one side of the ring, you have a seven foot tall, 450 lb. giant with multiple championships and an Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal trophy on his resume. On the other side of the ring, you have a 6’7”, 285 lb. fighting machine with championships from the NCAA, WWE, and even the UFC to his credit. These two super heavyweights aren’t just big and burly. They’re legitimate athletes. They can steamroll any opponent put in front of them. They can put multiple people in the hospital at once. They’re fighters by nature. And even though they’re both past their primes, they keep getting bigger, stronger, meaner, nastier, and better. Only on the WWE Network will these two weapons of mass destruction be allowed to compete. What better place to hold the deadly fight than at Madison Square Garden, the world’s most famous arena and a staple of New York City?
Believe it or not, these two behemoths have survived each other’s onslaughts before. Their first recorded WWE match was in 2002 at the Survivor Series for Lesnar’s WWE Championship. 2002 was Lesnar’s rookie year and already he was dominating this turnbuckle jungle. He won the King of the Ring Tournament. He defeated The Rock to become the WWE Champion at age 25, the youngest at the time. He held multiple victories over The Undertaker. Nobody could stop this wrecking machine from hell…except for The Big Show, who with a steel chair and a little help from a treacherous Paul Heyman, pinned Brock Lesnar and won the WWE Championship.
As badly as these two men beat each other over that year, it wouldn’t compare to an episode of Smackdown in 2003, when Brock Lesnar once again had to defend his WWE Championship against The Big Show. Ass beatings were definitely in order, but the climax of the match didn’t come until Big Show was on the top rope and Lesnar had the idea of super-plexing this mega giant. Not only did Brock Lesnar have the Greek god-like strength to heave the 500 lb. man up, but when the two superstars crashed to the mat, the entire ring fell to pieces. The match was declared a draw, but that moment remained one of Smackdown’s most memorable.
Fast forward to the year 2014 when both The Big Show and Brock Lesnar had developed as brutally powerful athletes. They would meet again at that year’s Royal Rumble pay-per-view. The even itself was greeted with negativity due to Daniel Bryan’s absence from the actual Royal Rumble match, but if the fans ever needed a reason to cheer up, they got it when Brock Lesnar and Big Show’s match never got started. The reason for that being Lesnar’s vicious steel chair assault to Big Show, leaving bruises, blood, and slashes all over the giant’s body.
And now we fast forward to the year 2015 at WWE’s live event in Madison Square Garden. No more bullshit. No more draws, No more cheap shots. No more betrayal. Just straight up violence and nothing more. Though the match itself was relatively shorter than the rest of the matches on the card, it was no less brutal or deadly. It was a match that started with Lesnar attempting a double-leg takedown on Big Show and getting thrown over the top rope by Show instead.
The first few minutes of the match consisted of Lesnar trying to heave and toss around this 500 lb. warrior to no success whatsoever. Big Show decided to end it early with not one, not two, but three choke slams and a leg-hook pin. Even after falling seven feet three times, Lesnar got his shoulder up at two and the match resumed. Big Show was pissed. He was so pissed that he wanted to end it early again, this time with a knockout punch once Lesnar got to his feet.
Big Show didn’t get a KO victory, no, no, no. He got a one-way all expenses paid trip to Suplex City and Madison Square Garden was the capitol building. Brock Lesnar went behind the massive athlete, wrapped his arms around Big Show’s waist, and gave him not one, not two, not even three, but four German suplexes. Having enough strength to throw a 500 lb. man around like that says something about how much of a slayer Lesnar really is. And then this display of brutal strength was capped off with an F5 from Lesnar to Big Show, followed by a leg-hook pin for a full three count.
You think this is over? Aren’t you forgetting the bonus material? That’s right. Big Show actually got back up to his feet and flipped of his opponent. Granted, this titan was on spaghetti legs and couldn’t clear the cobwebs out of his thick skull, but he was clearly itching for another fight. Lesnar was more than happy to oblige. He got back in the ring and delivered an overhead belly-to-belly suplex to the massive ogre before picking his battered ass back up and giving another F5 for good measure. Needless to say, Brock was fully satisfied and walked away from the arena a happy man.
Big Show, on the other hand, walked to the backstage area holding his ribs and trying to maintain his equilibrium. When ringside announcer Eden Stiles said into her microphone, “Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it one more time for The Big Show!”, all the seven-footer heard was a chorus of boos.
Despite the short length of this match, the multiple displays of sheer power by Brock Lesnar were awesome to watch. Having The Big Show do a job for him was the right move by WWE. And not only was it an important victory for Brock, it was a convincing one. Big Show suffered losses over his career to men much smaller than him.
But this match didn’t feel excessively scripted. This match actually felt like two big men trying to outmuscle each other. Lesnar isn’t used to being the underdog in his matches, so him being victorious in definitive fashion is a huge momentum builder for what awaits him next: a Hell in a Cell match with The Undertaker. After tossing around a man twice his size like he was medicine ball, Brock Lesnar doesn’t look like an underdog anymore, especially not against The Undertaker in a match the latter made famous.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
WWE Fast Lane: Roman Reigns vs. Daniel Bryan
MATCH: Roman Reigns vs. Daniel Bryan to determine the number one contender for Brock Lesnar’s WWE World Heavyweight Championship
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Fast Lane
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass
The Samoan badass known as Roman Reigns burst onto the scene in WWE in 2012 as part of a faction called The Shield, alongside independent wrestling veterans Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose. Together, The Shield had the gimmick of a paramilitary unit who would dominate matches and attack random superstars in the name of justice, using their superior teamwork. In mid-2013, Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins would eventually win the WWE Tag Team Titles and Dean Ambrose would win the United States Championship.
The most valuable player in this faction was Roman Reigns, a Samoan giant of a man who had the most eliminations in a Survivor Series tag match and in the 2014 Royal Rumble match. In 2013, he caught the attention of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter when they voted him Most Improved and as part of the Tag Team of the Year alongside Seth Rollins. Naturally, Mr. Reigns would receive a huge push from the company into main event status.
Because of Roman’s lack of experience and perceived lack of verbal skills, many in the WWE Universe feel his push was undeserved. In 2014, the Wrestling Observer Newsletter voted him in second place for the Most Overrated award, the actual winner being Kane. But it didn’t end there. In 2015, Roman Reigns would go on to win the Royal Rumble match and earn a spot in the main event at that year’s Wrestlemania.
On that fateful night, the casual dislike of Roman Reigns turned into fiery hatred. Despite being a baby face, Mr. Reigns was booed out of the building while the fans in attendance cheered for his opponent at Fast Lane, Daniel Bryan, who was eliminated early in the match despite his rapport with the fans. To quell the “controversy” surrounding the 2015 Royal Rumble pay-per-view, Triple H and Stephanie McMahon put together a match for Fast Lane between Reigns and Bryan where the winner would face Brock Lesnar for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at Wrestlemania.
The Fast Lane pay-per-view itself was a complete failure, but it was mostly the fans’ fault since they were dead throughout the entire thing. The matches were exciting, but with the fans acting like spoiled jerks, nobody would know it. The only match that would save the pay-per-view was the main event between Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan. Those two couldn’t just have a good match. They had to perform a necromantic ritual on the entire show. In other words, it had to be five stars, no more, no less.
And boy, did those two bring the fans back to life. Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan not only hit each other with everything they had and refused to quit, those hits were harder than hell. Daniel Bryan put on a kick-boxing clinic with his stiff roundhouse kicks and European uppercuts. He also twisted Roman Reigns’ body into a pretzel with his various submission holds, which included arm bars, surfboards, face stretches, if there was a way to rip apart the human anatomy, Daniel Bryan could do it and turn Roman Reigns into the human Fruit Rollup. Mr. Bryan’s hardest shot, however, had to be when he threw a kick-boxing strike to Roman Reigns’ surgical scar where he previously had hernia surgery. Roman Reigns would later describe that liver shot as the most painful thing he had ever experienced. He’s a tough guy, so that’s saying a lot.
But that’s not to say Roman Reigns didn’t put on a hell of a show himself. While Daniel Bryan is good at kick-boxing and jujitsu, Roman is good at just plain punching people in the mouth. He punched and superman punched Daniel Bryan so many times that it’s amazing the latter still had all of his teeth in his mouth. He also should have had black eyes the size of watermelons and broken ribs that shattered all over his body, but he didn’t. Bryan still had the energy to deliver his patented running knee finishing move to Roman, but Roman stood back up and delivered a thunderous spear tackle for a hard-fought victory.
After the match, the two bitter rivals shook hands, but not without Daniel Bryan telling Roman Reigns, “You’d better kick Brock Lesnar’s ass!” These two warriors beat the living crap out of each other. They made everyone in that dead arena believe that the two W’s in WWE stood for World War. That’s what this match was: war without machineguns and tanks. The wrestlers were sore, they were battered, they were bruised, they were bloodied, and they’d do it all again if they could. This deadly fight could easily be a candidate for Match of the Year. That, and maybe the Wrestling Observer Newsletter will think twice before calling Roman Reigns overrated again.
Ever since that show-stealing match, the careers or Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan took on slightly different paths. Roman did indeed challenge Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title at Wrestlemania, but couldn’t get the job done since Roman’s old tag team partner Seth Rollins cashed in his Money in the Bank contract in the middle of the match and pinned Reigns to win the title. Ever since that night, Reigns has struggled to get back in the championship picture time and time again.
Daniel Bryan’s career path would end with even more heartache than losing at Fast Lane. He competed at Wrestlemania in the seven-man ladder match for Wade Barrett’s Intercontinental Championship. Yes, it’s true Bryan won and became a Triple Crown and Grand Slam Champion, but weeks later after successfully defending the IC Title against Dolph Ziggler, Bryan had to surrender the belt due to injury. He swears he’s going to be back in action soon, but WWE management will probably be hesitant to push him like they did Roman Reigns. Before he returns to the ring, Bryan will fill the role of a judge on WWE’s reality series Tough Enough. That, and he has a DVD and book coming out, so don’t feel too bad for him.
At the end of the day, neither Daniel Bryan nor Roman Reigns can be considered overrated or less than five stars. They both deserve the spotlight despite their differences in skill set and experience. Is it any coincidence that I have action figures of both of them that I got for Christmas? Probably not. A passing grade goes to this badass wrestling clinic they put on at Fast Lane. A failing grade goes to the fans who attended that show and acted like they were bored out of their minds.
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Fast Lane
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass
The Samoan badass known as Roman Reigns burst onto the scene in WWE in 2012 as part of a faction called The Shield, alongside independent wrestling veterans Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose. Together, The Shield had the gimmick of a paramilitary unit who would dominate matches and attack random superstars in the name of justice, using their superior teamwork. In mid-2013, Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins would eventually win the WWE Tag Team Titles and Dean Ambrose would win the United States Championship.
The most valuable player in this faction was Roman Reigns, a Samoan giant of a man who had the most eliminations in a Survivor Series tag match and in the 2014 Royal Rumble match. In 2013, he caught the attention of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter when they voted him Most Improved and as part of the Tag Team of the Year alongside Seth Rollins. Naturally, Mr. Reigns would receive a huge push from the company into main event status.
Because of Roman’s lack of experience and perceived lack of verbal skills, many in the WWE Universe feel his push was undeserved. In 2014, the Wrestling Observer Newsletter voted him in second place for the Most Overrated award, the actual winner being Kane. But it didn’t end there. In 2015, Roman Reigns would go on to win the Royal Rumble match and earn a spot in the main event at that year’s Wrestlemania.
On that fateful night, the casual dislike of Roman Reigns turned into fiery hatred. Despite being a baby face, Mr. Reigns was booed out of the building while the fans in attendance cheered for his opponent at Fast Lane, Daniel Bryan, who was eliminated early in the match despite his rapport with the fans. To quell the “controversy” surrounding the 2015 Royal Rumble pay-per-view, Triple H and Stephanie McMahon put together a match for Fast Lane between Reigns and Bryan where the winner would face Brock Lesnar for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at Wrestlemania.
The Fast Lane pay-per-view itself was a complete failure, but it was mostly the fans’ fault since they were dead throughout the entire thing. The matches were exciting, but with the fans acting like spoiled jerks, nobody would know it. The only match that would save the pay-per-view was the main event between Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan. Those two couldn’t just have a good match. They had to perform a necromantic ritual on the entire show. In other words, it had to be five stars, no more, no less.
And boy, did those two bring the fans back to life. Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan not only hit each other with everything they had and refused to quit, those hits were harder than hell. Daniel Bryan put on a kick-boxing clinic with his stiff roundhouse kicks and European uppercuts. He also twisted Roman Reigns’ body into a pretzel with his various submission holds, which included arm bars, surfboards, face stretches, if there was a way to rip apart the human anatomy, Daniel Bryan could do it and turn Roman Reigns into the human Fruit Rollup. Mr. Bryan’s hardest shot, however, had to be when he threw a kick-boxing strike to Roman Reigns’ surgical scar where he previously had hernia surgery. Roman Reigns would later describe that liver shot as the most painful thing he had ever experienced. He’s a tough guy, so that’s saying a lot.
But that’s not to say Roman Reigns didn’t put on a hell of a show himself. While Daniel Bryan is good at kick-boxing and jujitsu, Roman is good at just plain punching people in the mouth. He punched and superman punched Daniel Bryan so many times that it’s amazing the latter still had all of his teeth in his mouth. He also should have had black eyes the size of watermelons and broken ribs that shattered all over his body, but he didn’t. Bryan still had the energy to deliver his patented running knee finishing move to Roman, but Roman stood back up and delivered a thunderous spear tackle for a hard-fought victory.
After the match, the two bitter rivals shook hands, but not without Daniel Bryan telling Roman Reigns, “You’d better kick Brock Lesnar’s ass!” These two warriors beat the living crap out of each other. They made everyone in that dead arena believe that the two W’s in WWE stood for World War. That’s what this match was: war without machineguns and tanks. The wrestlers were sore, they were battered, they were bruised, they were bloodied, and they’d do it all again if they could. This deadly fight could easily be a candidate for Match of the Year. That, and maybe the Wrestling Observer Newsletter will think twice before calling Roman Reigns overrated again.
Ever since that show-stealing match, the careers or Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan took on slightly different paths. Roman did indeed challenge Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title at Wrestlemania, but couldn’t get the job done since Roman’s old tag team partner Seth Rollins cashed in his Money in the Bank contract in the middle of the match and pinned Reigns to win the title. Ever since that night, Reigns has struggled to get back in the championship picture time and time again.
Daniel Bryan’s career path would end with even more heartache than losing at Fast Lane. He competed at Wrestlemania in the seven-man ladder match for Wade Barrett’s Intercontinental Championship. Yes, it’s true Bryan won and became a Triple Crown and Grand Slam Champion, but weeks later after successfully defending the IC Title against Dolph Ziggler, Bryan had to surrender the belt due to injury. He swears he’s going to be back in action soon, but WWE management will probably be hesitant to push him like they did Roman Reigns. Before he returns to the ring, Bryan will fill the role of a judge on WWE’s reality series Tough Enough. That, and he has a DVD and book coming out, so don’t feel too bad for him.
At the end of the day, neither Daniel Bryan nor Roman Reigns can be considered overrated or less than five stars. They both deserve the spotlight despite their differences in skill set and experience. Is it any coincidence that I have action figures of both of them that I got for Christmas? Probably not. A passing grade goes to this badass wrestling clinic they put on at Fast Lane. A failing grade goes to the fans who attended that show and acted like they were bored out of their minds.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
WWE Summer Slam: John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar
TITLE: WWE Summer Slam: John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar
YEAR: 2014
GENRE: Professional Wrestling Match
RATING: TV-PG for moderate violence and language
GRADE: Pass
In order to appreciate the sheer brutality of this main event match for John Cena’s WWE World Heavyweight Championship, it’s important to understand the back story of both competitors, the champion John Cena and the challenger Brock Lesnar.
John Cena started his career in the WWE in 2002, won his first world championship in 2005, and ever since then has become the cornerstone of WWE as well as a 15-time world champion. In other words, he’s not just some schmuck from the gym. Even the heel announcers are calling John Cena a future Hall of Famer. He gave 12 years of his life to the wrestling business and has made epic memories throughout his entire career.
Brock Lesnar is an entirely different animal. He hates the wrestling business and hates people even more. He’s a mercenary with a lust for money and inflicting pain on others. He too started in the WWE in 2002, but after winning multiple world titles left in 2004 to pursue other athletic careers. His most noteworthy achievement outside of WWE is being a former UFC Heavyweight Champion with victories over Shane Carwin, Randy Couture, and Frank Mir. He returned to WWE in 2012 on a part-time basis and did the impossible: he defeated The Undertaker at Wrestlemania 30 and handed him his first defeat at that pay-per-view.
The hype surrounding this upcoming Summer Slam main event was epic. It was a battle everybody wanted to see. And when it was all said and done, Brock Lesnar shocked the world yet again. This wasn’t just a professional wrestling match. This was something John Cena would later call a “100% ass-kicking” at the hands of Brock Lesnar. The match was only 30 seconds old and already Lesnar hit Cena with his finishing move: a fireman’s carry face buster called the F5. But Lesnar was far from finished.
Using his MMA background, he delivered hard knees, wrecking ball fists, and battleaxe elbows to John Cena, rendering him so helpless that the offence he could muster was extremely minimal. On top of those hard strikes, Brock Lesnar delivered 16 German suplexes to his opponent and left him gasping for air and struggling for clear vision.
Did I mention already that John Cena is a 15-time world champion and a future Hall of Famer? Okay, I was just making sure. It would seem unrealistic that a man with John Cena’s illustrious credentials would suffer a beating as torturous as that and not have anything left to give of his own. But that’s the way it happened and Brock Lesnar won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in convincing fashion, as Michael Cole put it.
The hype leading up to this match along with the sheer brutality of Lesnar’s offence was enough to convince Dave Meltzer, a well-respected wrestling historian, to give the performance 4.25 stars out of 5. I’m not speaking for Mr. Meltzer, but I’m guessing the reason it didn’t get the full five was because John Cena took a long time to recover from each suplex and strike and it slowed the match down considerably.
I’m normally all about fast-paced matches, but in the case of Lesnar vs. Cena, I can make an exception. This match was maximum brutality and resulted in a huge push for Brock Lesnar. If somebody were to defeat him for the WWE World Title, it would be an admirable and heroic feat. You might have to search far and wide for a wrestler who’s willing to do that, but he’s there, trust me.
As for John Cena, his future was being questioned after taking such a devastating beating. Triple H, the man in charge at the time, considered not giving him his obligatory rematch. A panel of Hall of Famers, Shawn Michaels, Ric Flair, and Hulk Hogan, actually got together to debate whether John Cena would be ready for another rematch or if he should just retire since Lesnar’s unstoppable.
If John Cena ever did get another chance at the title, he would have a huge mountain to climb. If he climbed that mountain, it would give him the biggest boost in his career and would pretty much seal the deal for a Hall of Fame induction.
To prove he was ready, Cena did the exact same thing to Bray Wyatt during an episode of Raw that Brock Lesnar did to Cena at Summer Slam: delivered a 100% ass-kicking. Bray Wyatt’s a 300-lb wrecking ball, not some loser off the streets, so giving him a 100% beating is a heroic feat in and of itself.
Everything about this Summer Slam match from the in-ring action to the hype to the aftermath was well-executed on the part of WWE. Some would question their decision to make Brock Lesnar the champion since he’s on a part-time schedule and won’t defend it that often. I don’t question it, because main event pay-per-view matches in the WWE are still top quality without Lesnar’s presence. Isn’t that right, Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins?
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Lego Ogre with a Tooth Hammer
Toys continue to be a part of my life even now that I’m well into adulthood and technically “too old” for them. While I don’t actually get them out and play with them like I did as a kid, I do have aspirations of using them as characters in either my short stories or my novels. My Lego ogre with a tooth hammer isn’t any different. He may look like dots and studs to you, but to me, he’s a hulking, destructive, demonic, badass fucking giant with a spike hammer that can drive telephone poles into the ground like nails. You’re damn right he’s going to be a villain one day.
I found this devilish beauty while vacationing in Canada as part of my WWU graduation celebration. Canada is already a lovely country to live in, but add to that a toy store with an affinity for Legos and I’m in heaven. The Lego set itself was $50 and came from the Creator series. If you’re not familiar it, every set in that series can be one of three different things. In the case of the one I bought, it could have been either an Asian dragon, a European dragon, or the one I chose, a big fucking ogre with a mountain-crushing hammer. Guess which one I chose.
I don’t have an official first and last name for this character, but he was at one point a protagonist in the first act of an all-dialogue novel called Toy Story Extreme. At the time, his name was Jinn Malakian and he was a finalist in a fighting tournament that took place all over Port Orchard, Washington from my bedroom to Quizno’s to the convenience store. The whole point of Jinn’s character was that he was being forced to fight for his master’s sick pleasure (at the risk of being sold to Goodwill or Ross). The master eventually went to jail for vandalizing all of the “battlefields” and Jinn Malakian quietly disappeared from the story.
As an artist, I’m my own worst critic. Nobody will ever be more critical of me than I am of me. You can thank Dave Batista for that sound byte. It’s because of my self-toughness that Toy Story Extreme will never be allowed to see publication on my Smash Words, Amazon, or Lulu accounts. The all-dialogue format sounds good on paper, but when my bread and butter happens to be hyperbolic descriptions mostly used by WWE commentators, then the novel suffers horribly, so much so it’s irreparable.
Because of a foolish writing style on my part, the ogre formerly known as Jinn Malakian is unemployed yet again. He’s my favorite toy. I’d even dare say he’s the face of whatever story he’s a part of (despite that face being hideous to look at with the elongated teeth and dense jawbone). In a strange way, I see a little bit of Diablo 2’s barbarian class in my Lego ogre. They’re both vicious, raging warriors who prefer the thrill of toe-to-toe combat over cowardly striking from afar.
Then again, anybody who went up against this monster could be considered a coward. An intelligent and wise coward, but a coward nonetheless. Someday he’ll be part of a story. I’m even considering using him in my current dark fantasy novel Fireball Nightmare, the same novel that stars Deus Shadowheart and Dr. Scott Cain. That’s how much he means to me.
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“If I hadn’t left the WWE, nobody would know who John Cena was. He would have been buying boxes of Fruity Pebbles and eating them at home instead of getting paid to eat them.”
-Brock Lesnar-
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Isao Qing
Isao Qing is one of the few characters in my arsenal who I consider to be a “double agent”. In other words, I’ve used his name in two different stories for two different characters. He was a ghost ninja villain in Say Goodbye and a former welterweight MMA champion in a Dungeons & Dragons session I did with internet friends. Perhaps these two personalities can do a “fusion-ha!” like they do in Dragon Ball Z. Then again, I haven’t seen very many ghosts in mixed-martial arts. Being undead would give them an unfair edge, despite the fact there’s a UFC fighter who calls himself “The Korean Zombie”. Oh well.
In the modern fantasy movie script Say Goodbye, Isao Qing was a lackey for the main villain of the story, a pig warlock named Zod Ragefist. Zod saw all of his minions as disposable commodities, but Isao Qing in his ghostly ninja glory was far from worthless. When bounty hunters go after his boss in the fetid jungle, Isao visits the home of one of the bounty hunters and holds his wife and autistic kid hostage.
When the bounty hunter calls home to see how things are going, Isao takes a page out of George Carlin’s playbook and says, “Your wife can’t come to the phone right now, she’s seriously injured. She was lighting a fart and her bush caught on fire.” Isao was asking for trouble and praying for victory at the same time, just like the badass he was.
Isao’s presence in the Dungeons & Dragons role-play wasn’t nearly as impressive as when he did Say Goodbye. Yes, he was a former mixed-martial arts welterweight champion, but the only reason he got a shot at the title was because the original champion, a half-orc barbarian named Agrusk, was found dead in his home from videogame addiction.
So Isao is the number one contender for the welterweight title and wins the gold. At the next pay-per-view event, he has to defend it against a humanoid tiger named Bob Rua. Isao is defeated via head kicks in just ten seconds to lose the title. He tried to calm down with a massage afterwards, but he couldn’t relax as he just kept repeating to himself, “Ten seconds…ten seconds…ten seconds…”
Determining which version of Isao Qing I want to reuse isn’t rocket science: I want the badass ghost ninja with the silver tongue and the mystical katana. Unfortunately, I haven’t been using very many ninja characters in my short stories lately. Truth be told, I’m not the greatest at doing internet research since my lack of patience and lack of a filter for the articles I find keep me from accomplishing anything.
I know ninjas are black-clad assassins who are supposed to be quick and sneaky. I also know they’re supposed to be exceptional martial artists. The general idea of what a ninja should be is branded in my brain. The cultural aspects are not. When I make a ninja character, I don’t take into account things like honor and respect, just being a badass killer. If I do use Isao Qing as a ghost ninja, it will be a tough decision to make.
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“I’m going to leave John Cena in a pile of blood, urine, and vomit.”
-Brock Lesnar-
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
MMA Dreams
I used to think that professional wrestling was the most criticized sport in the world until I started watching mixed-martial arts around the time when Brock Lesnar became the UFC Heavyweight Champion. In only a short period of time, I’ve seen all the negative aspects of the sport: homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, poor sportsmanship, cyber-bullying, unwarranted criticism, premature referee stoppages, squirrelly judging, what more can I say? There was even an incident at UFC Fight Night: Henderson vs. Khabilov where a fighter named Jason High shoved a referee after his fight was “stopped too soon”. Mr. High was cut from the UFC shortly after.
Despite all of these negativities, I still find MMA to be fascinating, which is probably why I continue to have dreams about doing MMA about as often as I have dreams about going to school. In my own subconscious, I’ve had matches with the best of every weight division. I up-kicked my way to a KO victory against Chael Sonnen, I right hooked Pat Barry into dreamland, I called out Matt Mitrione after another triumphant victory, and I even locked Nate Diaz in a kimura and made him tap out. If I insinuated that these claims were true, people would say, “In your dreams!” And they’d be right too, because these exciting MMA moments only happened in my dreams.
Truth is, if I actually tried the intense exercise regimen these fighters go through day in and day out with my clunky body, I’d pass out within seconds. My greatest claim to athletic fame is walking to the grocery store every morning to buy either a pound of popcorn chicken or three one-liter bottles of Diet Mountain Dew. Whenever I’m not “training like a champ”, I’m usually eating an oversized meal at McDonald’s or Wendy’s, usually consisting of 20 chicken tenders, the biggest burger they have (without the bun), and a large unsweetened iced tea. Not exactly the athletic lifestyle a typical MMA fighter leads.
Deep down in my subconscious, I know even though I don’t train like an athlete, the thrill of having a long winning streak and being cheered on my thousands of fans is exciting. The fight itself would be even more exciting, provided I wasn’t in the cage with a “grinder”. Perhaps these MMA dreams are a manifestation of my need for excitement.
Given the limited resources I have at my disposal, I have only a few ideas of what would constitute excitement. Writing is always an adrenaline thrill I love, especially if there’s a fight going on in my stories. Going to see an action movie at Regal Cinemas is exciting as well, my most recent one being Godzilla. If I didn’t want to go out in public, I could just rent a movie on my Roku, this time my most recent viewing adventure being the first “How To Train Your Dragon”. If I’m feeling particularly frisky, I could read “A Million Little Pieces” by James Frey, which is both depressing and exciting at the same time.
The activities mentioned above are just temporary fixes, though. Once I do them, they’re done forever. I know, I know, there will always be books to read, movies to watch, and stories to write, but that doesn’t mean I’m getting a permanent high from these things. There’s too much of a wide gap of boredom in between activities. If I can find a way to shorten the gaps without turning my mind into a melting puddle of exhaustion, that would be excellent.
The sleeping dreams and waking fantasies I have just might be the answer I need for filling the boredom gaps. Thinking is the best way to travel and who travels more than an MMA fighter? I could go to Brazil from my beddy-bye and elbow my way into a Performance of the Night award. I could go to Chicago from my treks to the grocery store and guillotine choke my way to my 15th victory. And as long as we’re talking about Chicago, I could get a slice of deep dish pizza after I’m done cutting weight.
I just thought of another reason not to do MMA in real life: cutting weight. I have a hard enough time losing weight and staying away from fatty foods. If all the water was drained from my body, I still wouldn’t make the 265 lb. heavyweight limit. That, and my opponent would be awarded a KO victory automatically after I pass out on the scale. I can still dream, right? I can still exercise my subconscious creativity and make some kick-ass stories out of it, right? You’re damn right I can!
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“Geezers need excitement. If their lives don’t provide them this, they’ll incite violence. Commonsense. Simple commonsense.”
-The Streets rapping “Geezers Need Excitement”-
Friday, June 21, 2013
Nasal Science
Despite the title of this blog entry, it’s not about boogers and snot, so you can put the Kleenex away. It’s also not about masturbation, so that’s even more reason for you to stow away the tissues. It’s about people who have become so nosy toward authors and other celebrities that they’ve got it down to a science, hence the title Nasal Science. They ask the most ridiculous questions and put the “valuable information” on Wikipedia pages. For instance, someone actually got MMA champion Ronda Rousey to say that having sex before a fight is good for a female competitor since it increases their testosterone levels. I swear to god, that’s what’s on her Wikipedia biography right now. You know who else has a ridiculous Wikipedia entry? Former WWE diva Eve Torres. Somewhere in the personal information, it says that she’s afraid of clowns. Who gives a flying fuck?! And WWE superstar Daniel Bryan? Somewhere in his personal life section it says that he’s no longer a vegan because he developed an allergy to soy products. Oh, that’s so fascinating! I really needed to know about his allergies! That’s so fun! Look, I’m not saying that asking questions of celebrities is a bad thing. I’m just saying there’s such a thing as taking it to the extreme. Brock Lesnar and Jack White both have the right idea: if it’s not important, you don’t need to know about it. You don’t need to know The Great Khali’s penis size, you don’t need to know that Jacob Volkmann is a part-time back-snapper, and you REALLY don’t need to know how bad of a childhood Ivan Moody had. The latter of the three is what really disturbs me. People hear the songs “Remember Everything” and “The Devil’s Own” by Five Finger Death Punch, the band that Mr. Moody comes from, and they all of the sudden want to know all about his childhood. Are the lyrics not enough of an indication? “Slap on the wrist, smack in the face, the family tree gave me a name and nothing more!” What else do you want? Triggering a celebrity’s trauma is not fan service. Going back to Ronda Rousey for a moment, if you really want to know about her dead father, Google it. Don’t try to get her to open up to you. The last time that happened, she was in tears. We don’t like it when Ronda Rousey is in tears, except for when she just won a match. If you want to satisfy a minor curiosity, do it without making a science out of it. You don’t need a lab coat and scrubs. You’re just a geeky kid sitting in a computer chair. You want to know how you can pay fan service? Leave them the fuck alone!
***TELEVISION QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“If there is a God, he’s got a shit-load of explaining to do.”
-Tommy Gavin from “Rescue Me”-
***TELEVISION QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“If there is a God, he’s got a shit-load of explaining to do.”
-Tommy Gavin from “Rescue Me”-
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Celebrity Memoirs
I hate to break it to you, Tea-Baggers, but Sarah Palin didn’t actually write “Going Rogue”. She can barely write talking points on her hand. She did what every other celebrity has done when they wanted to put out a book: she hired a ghostwriter. As much as I hate to admit it, there are pro-wrestlers out there as well who’ve used ghostwriters as well from Lesnar to Jericho. Unless the celebrity is already an established author like Tobias Wolff or Sarah Vowell, you can be pretty sure some ghostwriter out there wrote the damn book without being touted or paid very well. It’s the curse of being a ghostwriter, but it’s like my sister-in-law Susan says: “You have to start somewhere.” But if all of this celebrity-endorsed work is really a product of qualified writers, then why do bookworms toss them aside like they’re beneath the works of Stephen King and Suzanne Collins? I’ll tell you why: because the ghostwriters dictate a style in which their boss speaks. If you read a celebrity memoir and it suddenly sounded like a Pulitzer magnet, there’s something seriously wrong here. Do you honestly believe that Snooki is capable of talking like a literature student? I hope to God you don’t. Truth is, we don’t buy celebrity memoirs because they’re intelligently written. We buy them because we want to get intimate with the private lives of the person we’re reading about. I will say this: celebrity books dictate a very quick pace because they don’t overdo heavy descriptive language. The descriptions found in these books will most likely be a pop culture reference of some kind. Take for instance “Undisputed” by Chris Jericho. There’s a scene where he’s playing a Fozzy gig and he slides off the stage in what appears to be a goofy accident. You want to know what he compared it to? The toboggan scene from Christmas Vacation. Remember that scene? I do, but that doesn’t mean everybody else does. Not everybody has seen that movie before. But that’s okay, because celebrities can get away with pop culture references. Why is that? Because they’re famous and people will buy their books whether the writing is good or not. If you have no fame, don’t even try for a pop culture reference. It won’t work. People who don’t listen to Nightwish won’t know what you’re talking about if you all of the sudden compare the beauty of your girlfriend to that of Tarja Turunen. Celebrities can get away with pretty much anything they want. They’re famous, they’re rich, and people will love them no matter what. That’s not to say that celebrity memoirs can’t be entertaining. On the contrary, “Undisputed” was VERY entertaining. Just don’t expect to see these books in a college classroom. Ever.
***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
DANIEL BRYAN: I feel naked without the tag team titles!
KANE: That’s because you’re not wearing a shirt. Or pants.
***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
DANIEL BRYAN: I feel naked without the tag team titles!
KANE: That’s because you’re not wearing a shirt. Or pants.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
"Death Clutch" by Brock Lesnar
Here’ s a question for all of you wrestling and MMA fans out there. Have you ever wondered why Brock Lesnar doesn’t have a Twitter account or a Face Book page? It’s because like Bentley Little and Ted Kaczynski, he makes himself a little bit difficult to find. Don’t worry, it’s not because he’s making bombs. He’s a 300 lb. freak who can cause explosions with his fists alone, so he wouldn’t need bombs. Lesnar bills himself as a private person who enjoys a boring life in the woods. He hates the media, he hates cameras flashing on him and his family, basically the man just wants to be left alone. On the back of “Death Clutch”, he specifically states that his memoir is the only real access you’ll ever have to his personal life and that you shouldn’t expect another invite. You’d think being a hellishly strong athlete would be the life people could only dream about. You’d think being a former WWE and UFC champion would be the golden ticket to paradise. Lesnar’s life is anything but paradise. The road to getting the NCAA Division 1 wrestling championship was lined with massive bumps and potholes in the form of horrible losses, expensive classes, and disappointing outcomes. Being a WWE superstar was no better since it requires constantly traveling and being far away from your family a lot. Transitioning to the UFC wasn’t a piece of cake either since that was when Lesnar battled an intestinal disease that not only kept him out of action for so long, but also threatened his life. But despite all of these deadly obstacles, Lesnar came out a survivor. As I’ve mentioned earlier, his many accolades prove it. An NCAA Division 1 wrestling champion. A multiple time WWE champion. A King of the Ring and Royal Rumble winner. A UFC heavyweight champion and submission of the night winner. Considering Brock Lesnar started out as a mere farm boy with shallow pockets, that’s not a bad way to earn six to seven figures a year. You show me someone who can duplicate these accolades and I’ll show you the next Brock Lesnar success story.
***WRESTLING JOKE OF THE DAY***
Q: Who did Paul Heyman vote for in the 2008 presidential election?
A: Barack Lesnar.
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