Goodbye WWE

***GOODBYE WWE***

I’ve been watching WWE television since 1991 with a brief vacation from the product during the Attitude Era. I’m sorry to say that now I’ll be taking a permanent vacation from the product here in 2018. I tried to hold on. I tried to see the silver linings. I tried to remain faithful purely out of habit and hope. But Raw and Smackdown have gotten so unbearable to watch that I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t care about the wrestlers as characters, the ones I do care about are being made into walking punch lines, and all of this under a three hour and two hour show respectively just makes watching WWE a miserable experience.

That’s not to say that I’m abandoning wrestling completely. This is the same form of entertainment that inspired me to write a novella called Occupy Wrestling, which isn’t doing so well in terms of sales or ratings, but it’s still my baby and I love it. There are certainly other wrestling shows outside of WWE. New Japan Pro-Wrestling constantly gets praised by hardcore fans, but the one promotion I really want to start watching is Lucha Underground, which is presented in the form of a dark fantasy serial drama rather than a pure wrestling show. I want some dark magic in my wrestling, damn it! I want necromancy! I want creatures! I want death (fictional, of course)! And the best part about this? Lucha Underground is on Netflix and I can binge watch it anytime I want. All I have to do is figure out how my brother’s TV works, because his is the only one that has Netflix access.

You won’t get necromancy in WWE. You know what you’ll get? Toilet humor. Unfunny kid jokes. Terrible storytelling. Lackluster pay-per-views. NXT call-ups who fail on the main roster. The list goes on and on until the end of time. I’m not even going to get into Most Disgusting Promotional Tactics this year, because those award nominations are peanuts compared to a boring product. I kept watching throughout the years because I hoped things would change and eventually get better. I’m still waiting for that change. I’m still waiting for Vince McMahon to step down and relinquish control to someone else. Nope. Not happening. I’ve waited too long and now it’s all over.

So what do I do now that WWE Raw and Smackdown are no longer going to play on my TV? I’ve already mentioned the possibilities of watching New Japan and Lucha Underground. But what about non-wrestling shows that I’ve missed out on over the years? James’s TV is capable of digging up those old shows and I can watch them anytime I want. I could finally watch “A Room With No View” from Millennium and cry my eyeballs dry while wanting to heal Landon Bryce. I could binge watch Outlander and cry even harder when Jamie Fraser gets raped at Wentworth Prison by Captain John Randall. I could watch Gilmore Girls and cry happy tears instead of sad ones. I could watch Dragon Ball Super and take back my anime fan card. I could watch Game of Thrones and bypass the slow-paced books altogether. Or I could cry my ass off once again watching a dark comedy show known as BoJack Horseman. Goddamn, that’s a lot of crying! Could my 2007 record be broken by one of these shows?

As long as I’m looking for hobbies outside of writing, reading, and fucking around on my computer, what else could I do to keep my brain from sinking into a depression? I could play the keyboard and get my musical magic working again. I could play videogames with my brother even though noobs are shunned by the gaming community. I could do some more photography, but with different subjects. I could carve things out of my five million soap bars. I could make plans to travel the world even though plane rides are a literal pain in the ass. So many possibilities, all of which could keep me entertained long enough to avoid overeating out of boredom. Yes, eating out of boredom is a real thing and it’s one of the reasons I’m still overweight.

Shit, man, there are a lot of things I could be doing that are better than watching WWE. I could shove a cactus up my ass. I could have my cat Piper perform a lobotomy on me with her claws. I could jam a screwdriver up my dickhole. I could listen to “Love Is Blue” by Paul Mauriat over and over again while having a cute girl tell me how much she loves my mediocrity, although that’s not fair to Paul Mauriat since that’s actually a relaxing song. I could do Tope Suicidas down the staircase, to reference wrestling once again. I could perform a circumcision on myself with a steak knife. I know I’m exercising my hyperbole muscles when I say these torturous things are better than watching WWE, but certain podcasters like Jason Solomon and Greg Morgan would actually agree with me if they read this.

I’m only one and a half pages into this rant and already I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Goddamn, that was liberating! I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain! Or in this case, if you feel like dying, turn off WWE Raw!

***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER RELOADED***

I figured these blogs would be a good opportunity to track my progress on Beautiful Monster since I can’t post the chapters online. I’ll go ahead and say that the prologue is finally written and I have twenty-seven more chapters to write, including an epilogue. I like the fact that I could stretch Windham’s introspection out into 1,500 words, but I fear he’s still an emo kid of sorts. I’ll try to tone that shit down in the oncoming chapters. Chapter one is where Windham will get captured and taken to Shelly’s bedroom for sex slavery. Windham can bypass the dungeon altogether, because Shelly is head over heels in love with him. Sound familiar?

***CONCERT QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I asked myself the question. I wrestled with myself. Should I put this out there? Should I put this out there? Should I put this out there? Are people going to embrace it or are people going to stab me in the fucking heart? And I said fuck it, I trust them. I’m putting it out there. And if it happened to me, it probably happened to someone else. Hopefully, this song will help anybody that this has happened to. I want you to know that you’re never alone. This is a song called Hush.”

-Chad Gray, lead singer from Hellyeah-

***POST-SCRIPT***

In case you follow my posts about concerts and are curious, no, I haven’t been to a Hellyeah show before and I might not get the chance now that Vinnie Paul Abbot is dead. That makes me sad. Who’s cutting onions around here? I’m not crying, you’re crying! I’m not watching Outlander, you are! I’m not watching A Room with No View, okay, you get the point by now. Rest in peace, Vinnie Paul.

Most Disgusting Promotional Tactics of 2016

***MOST DISGUSTING PROMOTIONAL TACTICS OF 2016***

Over the years of doing these kinds of journals, I’ve always rationalized posting these by saying it’s all in the name of creative fuel. Only a handful of times has a disgusting promotional tactic in wrestling and MMA resulted in any artistic ideas or stories. I might as well come clean while I’ve got the chance. I love shocking the hell out of people. I’ve loved it since hearing my first George Carlin routine as a sophomore in high school. When Susan was living with us, I’d tell her about these awful promotional tactics and she’d give me this wide-eyed stare while yelling, “That’s fucked up!” Think of this as combining my love for shocking people with my love for pro-wrestling and MMA. In the year 2016, nine items were nominated for Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic. Nine! I’ll analyze each item from winner to last place and I’ll see if I can get those gasps out of you guys. This somehow reminds me of the Disney movie Monsters Inc. Hehe! Let’s get started!

WINNER: Bellator MMA booking a fight between Kimbo Slice and Dada 5000.

ANALYSIS: Having a mind-numbingly boring match on a pay-per-view card isn’t necessarily a recipe for offensiveness (unless you paid a shit-load of money to see it). When both fighters are older than dust, overweight, dehydrated, and have to be helped out of their stools in between rounds, then I can see how it might be just a tad exploitative. It doesn’t help matters that Kimbo Slice died in mid-2016 just a day after Muhammad Ali passed as well. Putting fighters in danger and putting fans to sleep: Jesus, Bellator!

SECOND PLACE: Brock Lesnar bloodying Randy Orton’s forehead with stiff elbows.

ANALYSIS: While I admit that booking this muscle freak Brock Lesnar as a 21^st century killing machine is smart on WWE’s part, concussing Randy Orton just to get some blood on TV is going a little too far. I don’t mind blood on a TV-PG pay-per-view. Hell, I was with the fans at NXT TakeOver: Dallas when they chanted “Fuck PG!” after Samoa Joe was busted open. But if you’re a company that’s trying to fight off a concussion lawsuit, stiff elbows to the forehead might not be the way to go. Let’s not forget how Chris Benoit met his unfortunate end. Andrew “Test” Martin, too.

THIRD PLACE: Adam Rose using his domestic violence mug shot as a T-shirt design.

ANALYSIS: Domestic violence is bad enough, but when you’re sticking your mug shot on a T-shirt and selling it online, that’s pretty much like rubbing salt in the wound. It’s like those cops in New York wearing T-shirts that say, “Breathe easy, don’t break the law” after they choked the shit out of that black dude. In Adam Rose’s case, he justified his actions by saying it’s a celebration of making it through dark times and even said his wife suggested that the mug shot go on a white tank top. Get it? Because it’s called a wifebeater? Ha, ha, ha…ha, ha….ugh…

FOURTH PLACE: Lucha Underground booking intergender matches.

ANALYSIS: Believe it or not, this was a candidate for the award in 2015 as well. It’s also the only item so far that has garnered a short story idea for me. It’s called “Gender Blind” and it’s about an MMA promotion that books their first man vs. woman match and generates a shit-ton of controversy in the process. Supporters of Lucha Underground could argue equality between men and women, but come on, what’s so equal about Pentagon Jr. slapping the shit out of Sexy Star? Maybe they should put their mug shots on a T-shirt and generate more revenue.

FIFTH PLACE: Rizin MMA booking a fight between Gabi Garcia and Shinobu Kandori.

ANALYSIS: Thank god this match didn’t actually take place, but Kandori’s replacement wasn’t any less of a mismatch with Gabi Garcia. Miss Garcia is a young lady with more muscles and veins on her body than actual skin while Kandori’s replacement is a super old former professional wrestler with a broken down body and a shorter stature. Not surprisingly, Gabi Garcia won the fight via TKO in a short amount of time, much like a high school football player beating up a fifth grader for his lunch money.

SIXTH PLACE: TNA withholding payments to Billy Corgan.

ANALYSIS: In addition to being the front man for The Smashing Pumpkins, Billy Corgan is also passionate about pro-wrestling, so much so that he tried to buy TNA and save them from their ultimate demise. Unfortunately, he never got his money back and tried to sue the company for his owed payments. TNA being irresponsible with money? Huh. Who would’ve thunk it? TNA has since been saved by Anthem Sports, but it still leaves a sour taste in Billy Corgan’s mouth. Sour tastes aren’t necessarily good for singing Smashing Pumpkins songs.

SEVENTH PLACE: WWE recreating the Montreal Screwjob with Bret Hart and Natalya.

ANALYSIS: The Montreal Screwjob in 1997 will go down as one of the biggest mistreatments of loyal wrestlers in history. Bret Hart was supposed to win his match with Shawn Michaels and keep his WWF Championship in front of the Canadian crowd. And then Shawn Michaels beat Bret with his own sharpshooter move and stole the championship. Fast forward to 2016 and the same thing happens with Natalya when she tries to defeat Charlotte Flair for the WWE Women’s Championship, right in front of Uncle Bret. Barf!

EIGHTH PLACE: Sasha Banks giving a fake retirement speech months after Daniel Bryan was legitimately forced to retire after ongoing concussion issues.

ANALYSIS: Had this been done at a different time, it might have been compared to the excellent trolling job Mark Henry did when he gave his fake retirement speech in 2013. Daniel Bryan’s legitimate retirement was still fresh in the audience’s minds. There wasn’t a dry eye in that whole room. Sasha Banks also had her adoring fans in tears. And then Dana Brooke came out to attack her only for Sasha to miraculously recover from her knee injury and fight Dana off. Bad timing. Bad, bad timing. Horrible timing!

NINTH PLACE: Rizin MMA booking Kazushi Sakuraba in fights.

ANALYSIS: Once again, MMA organizations have to be told not to book super old people in fighting competitions. This is the third item on the list to be guilty of mistreating elderly cage fighters. Sure, these fighters need paychecks, but come on, really? There’s nothing else these poor people can do? Nothing at all? No commentating? No producing? No booking? What the fuck, Japan?

Nine items on this list, nine reasons for your eyes to bulge from your head, nine reasons for you to scream, “That’s fucked up!” Come on, you know you want to. Humor me. I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you soon!

***DEMON AXE: EPILOGUE***

It finally happened, ladies and gentlemen: ding, dong, Roger Zee is dead. His head exploded because he couldn’t handle the magic of heavy metal. His own tightly wound ass did him in. Unfortunately, the 22^nd chapter ended with Daniel Mercer collapsing onstage, probably due to overexerting his rib injuries (despite wearing a flak vest for protection). Does he really want to wake up and deal with the traumatic voices in his head, especially after what Roger Zee did to him in the last few moments of the novel (if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you). How do I write an epilogue for a guy who’s next in line to rule the elven kingdom if he’s got a busted body and a haunted mind? This is going to take some J.K. Rowling-level toughness on Daniel’s part, and lots of it.

***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

SHEAMUS: You’ll get your chance to fight me at TLC. And brother, you’d better step up.

ROMAN REIGNS: You see, that’s the thing, Sheamus. You’re still just talking. You’re still just yapping. Yap, yap, yap. I thought Irishmen had potatoes. Turns out you’re just smuggling some tater tots.

YOU TUBER: Oh my god! Oh my god! “I thought Irishmen had potatoes! I thought Asian people had rice! I thought black people had fried chicken!” What the fuck?! Tater tots?! That’s the stupidest fucking shit I’ve ever heard in my life! And here I thought it couldn’t get any worse than “sufferin’ succotash”! “Sufferin’ fuckin’ succotash” to “tater tots”! Wow! Do they fucking hate Samoans in the WWE?!

Most Disgusting Promotional Tactics of 2015

***MOST DISGUSTING PROMOTIONAL TACTICS OF 2015***

With the internet as prominent as it is and with backstage politics as easily accessible as they are, wrestling has easily become the most criticized form of entertainment, even by its own fans. A lot of the negativity stems from certain fans not seeing their favorite wrestlers succeed (Cesaro) or seeing their most hated wrestlers get an elevator ride to the top (Kane). It’s hard to maintain a positive attitude among the spoiled fans, but I’ve managed to do so and enjoy wrestling for what it truly is: entertainment.

Yes, I know this journal is about a negative award given by the Wrestling Observer Newsletter every year. I talk about it often, but not because I’m a negative human being. These award winners and runner-ups are a huge source of creative fuel for me. Creative fuel is essential to the life of an author. That, and I love to shock the shit out of people from time to time. The 2015 WON awards have been revealed and in this particular category, there were seven different candidates (one winner, six runner-ups). I’m going to work my way from the top of the list (the winner) to the very bottom. Starting with…


***AWARD WINNER***

EVENT: WWE using Reid Flair’s death to promote a feud between Charlotte and Paige.

REASON: I’ve talked about this before in the past and I’ll only speak briefly about it in the present. Death is a sensitive subject and to approach it with such classlessness is going to bring a lot of people either to tears or a boiling point. It was the case in 2013 when Paul Bearer’s death was exploited and in 2006 when Eddie Guerrero’s was as well.

EXAMPLE: The Westboro Baptist Church are the worst offenders when it comes to insensitivity toward the dead. They hold up “God Hates Fags” signs at funerals, claiming that God is killing off these now-dead people because America’s approval of homosexuality. I could actually picture a Fred Phelps caricature being used on an episode of WWE Raw and then that manager getting a Worst Gimmick award.


***FIRST RUNNER-UP***

EVENT: WWE botching the Divas Revolution.

REASON: Bringing up three badass female athletes to the main WWE roster seemed like a good idea on paper, but it doesn’t change the fact that WWE women’s matches are much different from NXT women’s matches. In NXT, the women are strong role models and bold risk takers, thus ensuring them five-star match accolades. In WWE, the women are sophomoric and have awkward choreography. In other words, nothing has changed on the main roster.

EXAMPLE: Let’s say for instance there’s a high fantasy story taking place and there’s a war going on between an army of orcs, an army of dwarves, and an army of elves. That’s a lot of goddamn warriors and that has potential for a lot of goddamn bloodshed. But let’s say the warriors get drunk and start fighting like middle schoolers. The best you could hope for at this point is a draw.


***SECOND RUNNER-UP***

EVENT: James Storm pushes Mickie James into an oncoming train.

REASON: I haven’t watched TNA since I gave up on them in late 2011. Having said that, we can all agree that it’s not very nice to push a defenseless woman into a moving train. Obviously, Mickie James didn’t die; it was a way to write her off television. But given the fact that trains are big fucking machines that move at a fierce goddamn velocity, the thought of Mickie James’ guts being spread all over the train station is just gross.

EXAMPLE: I used to watch episodes of Dudley Do-Right where the love interest of the main character would be tied onto railroad tracks while a steam train is blitzing her way. It’s a kid’s cartoon, so obviously the love interest was never splattered into a pile of blood and guts. But if you really think about it, that’s a screwed up way to kill somebody, especially a helpless woman whose only role on the show is to be saved by the masculine hero. That’s like something from Criminal Minds.


***THIRD RUNNER-UP***

EVENT: WWE exploiting Connor “The Crusher” Michalek when giving him the Warrior Award.

REASON: TV shows get accused of exploiting their guests all the time. Dr. Phil does it on a regular basis when he brings rape victims onto his show. The Biggest Loser is basically one big fat joke that spans several seasons. And now you’ve got WWE super fan and childhood cancer victim Connor Michalek being paraded around to show what great guys the WWE are…months before they exploit the death of Reid Flair.

EXAMPLE: I think I’ve already covered the examples when I brought up Dr. Phil and The Biggest Loser. What I haven’t covered is that every October, WWE parades around breast cancer survivors as part of their alliance with Susan G. Komen. The WWE neglects to mention that Susan G. Komen was responsible for de-funding Planned Parenthood and that the CEO of SGK pockets most of the donations.


***FOURTH RUNNER-UP***

EVENT: Lucha Underground televising matches where men beat up women.

REASON: With all of this talk in today’s world about “rape culture” and “a woman’s place”, haven’t these poor girls suffered enough without being assaulted by men on a weekly basis? I will admit that the WWE’s Stephanie McMahon is a pain in the ass and deserves a Worst Gimmick award in the most vile way. It doesn’t change the fact that if she was booked in a match to get a KO punch from The Big Show, the WWE would win this award and not the Lucha Underground. If you want Stephanie McMahon to get her ass kicked so badly, have Ronda Rousey do it; she won’t let you down. Plus, Ronda is all woman.

EXAMPLE: The movies North Country and Iron-Jawed Angels are perfect examples of male supremacy. You’ve got men sexually harassing and physically beating these women all because these females want the same societal status as their dick-swinging counterparts. I’ve seen North Country and it was the most disturbing movie I’ve ever watched. I haven’t seen Iron-Jawed Angels, nor do I want to since it’s basically the same male supremacy over and over again.


***FIFTH RUNNER-UP***

EVENT: Michael Cole doing a broken neck storyline directly after Perro Aguayo, Jr. died from whiplash.

REASON: I’m sure this wasn’t intentional mockery of Perro Aguayo’s situation, but the timing couldn’t have been worse than if it was 2005 and the WWE did a terrorist storyline on the day of the London bombings. Timing is everything when it comes to sensitive subjects. Which leads me to my next example…

EXAMPLE: Back in 2011, Fox pulled episodes of Family Guy, The Cleveland Show, and American Dad off the air because they were all about stormy weather and a hurricane had just past through…I forget where. Imagine that backlash against Fox if they hadn’t pulled those episodes, as if Seth MacFarlane doesn’t catch enough shit already.


***FINAL RUNNER-UP***

EVENT: WWE blackballing Hulk Hogan for his racist remarks in 2012 and then lionizing The Ultimate Warrior, who said just as bad or worse things in public.

REASON: Racism is racism no matter who it comes from. The only difference between Hulk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior is that the latter is now dead and lionizing him would be the only way to honor his memory. Then again, if praising the dead was standard operating procedure, Chris Benoit would be a first ballot WWE Hall of Famer.

EXAMPLE: Racism is a touchy subject no matter which political or news channel you dial into. Donald Trump shoots his mouth off on a regular basis about Arabs, Mexicans, and black people, yet people cheer him on and encourage it. But whenever Al Sharpton talks about white privilege, suddenly the hammer gets brought down with a stiffness.


***CONCLUSION***

Creative fuel can come from anywhere. As far as the creative fuel from MDPT awards go, this is my way of not allowing tragedies to go to waste. Whenever authors write a story, there has to be a main problem and the protagonist has to go through hell in order to solve that problem. When drawing inspiration from these seven horrifying wrestling stories, think about that for a moment.


***WRESTLING JOKE OF THE DAY***

As long as the WWE is putting together tag teams based on their initials, let’s go old school with the pairing of Sting and Ted DiBiase (Team STD). Don’t worry about them giving you cross-body blocks, because Team STD is easy to catch.