"Tales of Mentara, Vol. 2: The RItual" by Ashley Uzzell

BOOK TITLE: Tales of Mentara, Pt. 2: The Ritual

AUTHOR: Ashley Uzzell

YEAR: 2019

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Middle Grade Adventure

GRADE: Pass

Middle schooler sorceress Charlotte and her group of friends find themselves trapped in another world where tribal societies, strange animals, and even stranger plants inhabit the landscape. The teenaged leader of the Tara Tribe, Tomas, enlists Charlotte’s help in fighting off barbaric warriors called Bomen (despite her hesitance to participate in such a brutal war). Over time, the white-skinned outsiders and the darker-skinned Tarans learn to get along to the point of becoming just like family. Given Charlotte’s dismal history on earth, she may not want to return despite the fighting amongst tribes.

While the first book in this series had a darker overtone, this one is slightly happier with the tentative cooperation of the meshing characters. This message that different cultures can get along is one we need to hear more often, especially in the age of a Trump presidency. Both sides of the racism coin are shown brilliantly in this novella, whether it’s people getting along or people fighting amongst each other over foolish reasons and systematic fear. Our white heroes immerse themselves in the Taran culture, so they’re less likely to judge foreign customs. The Bomen, on the other hand, were raised by older generations of ignorance and hate, so they take their xenophobic violence out on those less fortunate than them. Sound familiar? It should.

I must admit that in the first book, I wasn’t sold on Fred as a character due to his hotheadedness and ogre-like personality. But seeing him fleshed out over the course of the second novel drives the point further of getting along with each other. We learn things about him that we didn’t get to see much of in the first book. He’s capable of changing his views. He’s a caring individual when enough pressure is placed upon him. He’s a big softy underneath his rough exterior. He’s not a fighter by nature despite playing sports all the time. He takes an interest in science and is quite knowledgeable with what he has. Having read about all of these qualities in Fred, I’m better able to sympathize with him when the worst of the worst happens to him. I’m also able to celebrate his victories no matter how small some of them are. I hope he continues to mature as the Tales of Mentara series rolls along with more books.

You’re probably wondering right now why this book is called The Ritual, seeing as how lots of different rituals are talked about along the way. The specific ceremony this book centers on is hard to read about since it involves testing physical and mental toughness. The first stage is the hardest to read about because it reminds me too much of Guantanamo Bay and how the prison guards treated their captives. I can only imagine how hard it was for Ms. Uzzell to write about it. But the more uncomfortable the reader becomes, the more empathy it shows. This is supposed to be an uncomfortable experience. It’s supposed to stick with the reader for the longest time. It’s not just for shock value, either. It has a debate surrounding it about the acceptability of certain rituals for outsiders like Charlotte and her friends. For asking as many questions as it answers, I give the book and its author high praise.

This second installment of Tales of Mentara serves as several healthy lessons for the young audience it targets. Get along with each other. Be loyal to the ones who need it most. Don’t judge so easily. Use diplomacy when it matters and violence as an absolute last resort. Educate yourself about the world around you. These lessons are so agreeable that I can picture this book being in a school library if it ever came to that. On top of all that, this is a fun book to read, so who says education can’t be entertaining? A passing grade is what this novella will get. Excellent work, Ashley Uzzell!

"Tales of Mentara: The Portal" by Ashley Uzzell

BOOK TITLE: Tales of Mentara: The Portal

AUTHOR: Ashley Uzzell

YEAR: 2018

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Fantasy Adventure

GRADE: Pass

A group of middle school friends find themselves trapped on a strange new planet when the sorcerer of the team, Charlotte, accidentally opens a portal to the other realm. Learning to adapt to this new environment proves tough when homesickness, uncooperative allies, and the distrust of an indigenous tribe threaten their chances of survival. With the threat of another group of invading warriors looming, Charlotte and her friends have to act fast if they want to live to tell their amazing story. They’re only kids, but everybody grows up eventually, even if it is a rapid ascent into maturity.

The first thing I want to applaud Ms. Uzzell on is her ability to promote five different main characters without any of them getting lost in the shuffle. This novel is relatively short, so she doesn’t have a large canvas to work with, which is what makes these characters’ developments all the more amazing. Charlotte and Lena are the motherly figures of the group while Daniel and Mindy are the innocent children and Fred is the rough and tough bad boy (but only on the outside). The more you delve into this story, the more you realize that they are just kids after all and they have their moments of raw emotions and soft feelings. That’s what makes this story real to me.

It’s also refreshing to hear parts of this story told through the points of view of the indigenous tribe. Despite the language barrier and primitive lifestyle, they actually have a lot in common with the “pale-skinned” main characters. They too are just kids who want to live a normal life after the stresses of this new world break them down. This goes to show that no matter where you are in the universe, you’ll always have someone to empathize with. The more empathy you have for your fellow humans, the less likely you are to hate them. This novel could be an allegory for racial harmony if you read between the lines.

And then you have the most heartbreaking part of this story, the homesickness the lead characters feel. They’ve been gone from their home world for what seems like forever and they’ve definitely earned their right to cry because of it. Earth has things like junk food, loving people, technology, and fuzzy animals. Meanwhile, this new world is in the midst of a war brewing between the indigenous tribe and much more powerful warriors called Bomen. These kids might as well have joined the Iraq War back in 2003…at their middle school age, no less. The loss of innocence makes the homesickness even harder to emotionally process. If you want to cry too, you have my permission (not that you need it).

All in all, this is a fun little adventure that anybody can enjoy regardless of their generation. Anybody can appreciate the messages of friendship, loyalty, and staying strong through all of the hardships. While Fred and Mindy are hard to cheer for in the beginning, they become more sympathetic as the story changes who they are. As a matter of fact, everybody in this story will feel the change brewing within them by the time all is said and done. A passing grade for this wonderfully crafted story!

Most Disgusting Promotional Tactics of 2015

***MOST DISGUSTING PROMOTIONAL TACTICS OF 2015***

With the internet as prominent as it is and with backstage politics as easily accessible as they are, wrestling has easily become the most criticized form of entertainment, even by its own fans. A lot of the negativity stems from certain fans not seeing their favorite wrestlers succeed (Cesaro) or seeing their most hated wrestlers get an elevator ride to the top (Kane). It’s hard to maintain a positive attitude among the spoiled fans, but I’ve managed to do so and enjoy wrestling for what it truly is: entertainment.

Yes, I know this journal is about a negative award given by the Wrestling Observer Newsletter every year. I talk about it often, but not because I’m a negative human being. These award winners and runner-ups are a huge source of creative fuel for me. Creative fuel is essential to the life of an author. That, and I love to shock the shit out of people from time to time. The 2015 WON awards have been revealed and in this particular category, there were seven different candidates (one winner, six runner-ups). I’m going to work my way from the top of the list (the winner) to the very bottom. Starting with…


***AWARD WINNER***

EVENT: WWE using Reid Flair’s death to promote a feud between Charlotte and Paige.

REASON: I’ve talked about this before in the past and I’ll only speak briefly about it in the present. Death is a sensitive subject and to approach it with such classlessness is going to bring a lot of people either to tears or a boiling point. It was the case in 2013 when Paul Bearer’s death was exploited and in 2006 when Eddie Guerrero’s was as well.

EXAMPLE: The Westboro Baptist Church are the worst offenders when it comes to insensitivity toward the dead. They hold up “God Hates Fags” signs at funerals, claiming that God is killing off these now-dead people because America’s approval of homosexuality. I could actually picture a Fred Phelps caricature being used on an episode of WWE Raw and then that manager getting a Worst Gimmick award.


***FIRST RUNNER-UP***

EVENT: WWE botching the Divas Revolution.

REASON: Bringing up three badass female athletes to the main WWE roster seemed like a good idea on paper, but it doesn’t change the fact that WWE women’s matches are much different from NXT women’s matches. In NXT, the women are strong role models and bold risk takers, thus ensuring them five-star match accolades. In WWE, the women are sophomoric and have awkward choreography. In other words, nothing has changed on the main roster.

EXAMPLE: Let’s say for instance there’s a high fantasy story taking place and there’s a war going on between an army of orcs, an army of dwarves, and an army of elves. That’s a lot of goddamn warriors and that has potential for a lot of goddamn bloodshed. But let’s say the warriors get drunk and start fighting like middle schoolers. The best you could hope for at this point is a draw.


***SECOND RUNNER-UP***

EVENT: James Storm pushes Mickie James into an oncoming train.

REASON: I haven’t watched TNA since I gave up on them in late 2011. Having said that, we can all agree that it’s not very nice to push a defenseless woman into a moving train. Obviously, Mickie James didn’t die; it was a way to write her off television. But given the fact that trains are big fucking machines that move at a fierce goddamn velocity, the thought of Mickie James’ guts being spread all over the train station is just gross.

EXAMPLE: I used to watch episodes of Dudley Do-Right where the love interest of the main character would be tied onto railroad tracks while a steam train is blitzing her way. It’s a kid’s cartoon, so obviously the love interest was never splattered into a pile of blood and guts. But if you really think about it, that’s a screwed up way to kill somebody, especially a helpless woman whose only role on the show is to be saved by the masculine hero. That’s like something from Criminal Minds.


***THIRD RUNNER-UP***

EVENT: WWE exploiting Connor “The Crusher” Michalek when giving him the Warrior Award.

REASON: TV shows get accused of exploiting their guests all the time. Dr. Phil does it on a regular basis when he brings rape victims onto his show. The Biggest Loser is basically one big fat joke that spans several seasons. And now you’ve got WWE super fan and childhood cancer victim Connor Michalek being paraded around to show what great guys the WWE are…months before they exploit the death of Reid Flair.

EXAMPLE: I think I’ve already covered the examples when I brought up Dr. Phil and The Biggest Loser. What I haven’t covered is that every October, WWE parades around breast cancer survivors as part of their alliance with Susan G. Komen. The WWE neglects to mention that Susan G. Komen was responsible for de-funding Planned Parenthood and that the CEO of SGK pockets most of the donations.


***FOURTH RUNNER-UP***

EVENT: Lucha Underground televising matches where men beat up women.

REASON: With all of this talk in today’s world about “rape culture” and “a woman’s place”, haven’t these poor girls suffered enough without being assaulted by men on a weekly basis? I will admit that the WWE’s Stephanie McMahon is a pain in the ass and deserves a Worst Gimmick award in the most vile way. It doesn’t change the fact that if she was booked in a match to get a KO punch from The Big Show, the WWE would win this award and not the Lucha Underground. If you want Stephanie McMahon to get her ass kicked so badly, have Ronda Rousey do it; she won’t let you down. Plus, Ronda is all woman.

EXAMPLE: The movies North Country and Iron-Jawed Angels are perfect examples of male supremacy. You’ve got men sexually harassing and physically beating these women all because these females want the same societal status as their dick-swinging counterparts. I’ve seen North Country and it was the most disturbing movie I’ve ever watched. I haven’t seen Iron-Jawed Angels, nor do I want to since it’s basically the same male supremacy over and over again.


***FIFTH RUNNER-UP***

EVENT: Michael Cole doing a broken neck storyline directly after Perro Aguayo, Jr. died from whiplash.

REASON: I’m sure this wasn’t intentional mockery of Perro Aguayo’s situation, but the timing couldn’t have been worse than if it was 2005 and the WWE did a terrorist storyline on the day of the London bombings. Timing is everything when it comes to sensitive subjects. Which leads me to my next example…

EXAMPLE: Back in 2011, Fox pulled episodes of Family Guy, The Cleveland Show, and American Dad off the air because they were all about stormy weather and a hurricane had just past through…I forget where. Imagine that backlash against Fox if they hadn’t pulled those episodes, as if Seth MacFarlane doesn’t catch enough shit already.


***FINAL RUNNER-UP***

EVENT: WWE blackballing Hulk Hogan for his racist remarks in 2012 and then lionizing The Ultimate Warrior, who said just as bad or worse things in public.

REASON: Racism is racism no matter who it comes from. The only difference between Hulk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior is that the latter is now dead and lionizing him would be the only way to honor his memory. Then again, if praising the dead was standard operating procedure, Chris Benoit would be a first ballot WWE Hall of Famer.

EXAMPLE: Racism is a touchy subject no matter which political or news channel you dial into. Donald Trump shoots his mouth off on a regular basis about Arabs, Mexicans, and black people, yet people cheer him on and encourage it. But whenever Al Sharpton talks about white privilege, suddenly the hammer gets brought down with a stiffness.


***CONCLUSION***

Creative fuel can come from anywhere. As far as the creative fuel from MDPT awards go, this is my way of not allowing tragedies to go to waste. Whenever authors write a story, there has to be a main problem and the protagonist has to go through hell in order to solve that problem. When drawing inspiration from these seven horrifying wrestling stories, think about that for a moment.


***WRESTLING JOKE OF THE DAY***

As long as the WWE is putting together tag teams based on their initials, let’s go old school with the pairing of Sting and Ted DiBiase (Team STD). Don’t worry about them giving you cross-body blocks, because Team STD is easy to catch.

Exploiting Death

***EXPLOITING DEATH***

Even though I wrote a blog months ago about marketing my wrestling novella to the right people, I just now thought of another example when it comes to wrestling vs. real life. Only in wrestling would it make sense to do horrible things for the sake of ratings. In other words, the Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic award only goes to wrestling and mixed-martial arts organizations, no where else, although the NFL had their fair share with the deflated balls scandal.

The year 2015 is almost over and in the WWE there was recently a late entry for the MDPT award. I don’t know just yet if it’s going to end up winning since the Wrestling Observer Newsletter awards don’t come out until late January, but it’s a strong contender. I’m talking of course about an ending segment on an episode of Monday Night Raw.

Charlotte and Paige were signing a contract in the middle of the ring so that their Divas Championship match can take place at Survivor Series. Charlotte is the daughter of Hall of Fame wrestler Ric Flair and the sister of deceased wrestler Reid Flair. When Charlotte spoke tearfully about her family’s fighting spirit, Paige said, “I guess your baby brother doesn’t have much fight left in him now, does he!” Charlotte went berserk and beat the shit out of Paige while backstage, Ric Flair was crying his eyes out.

That’s right, folks: for the third time in a whole decade, WWE has exploited the death of a fellow wrestler or personality, the first two times being Eddie Guerrero (2006) and Bill Moody aka Paul Bearer (2013). The thing that has a lot of people upset is that nobody asked Ric Flair if it was okay to do this segment. The creative team just went ahead with it, showing that being assholes was the only way the divas division would earn attention.

Going back to my Occupy Wrestling argument, only in pro-wrestling does exploiting death make any sense. It’s wrong as hell, but it makes sense nonetheless. It wouldn’t fly anywhere else. People are already pissed off at the Westboro Baptist Church for all of their “God Hates Fags” protests. Ronda Rousey has had it up to here with Twitter users talking shit about her dead father. Don’t get me started on the NYPD wearing shirts that say, “Breathe easy: don’t break the law” in light of the murder of Eric Garner, and yes, it was murder despite what any cop apologist says.

Exploiting death also leaves a sour taste when it comes to fictional TV shows, movies, and books. Want some examples? Here they are. Let’s do a Star Wars example.

　

DARTH VADER: Luke, you keep looking at the heavens for Obi-Wan Kenobi. He’s not in heaven. He’s down there…in HELL!!

　

How about NCIS?

　

HARPER DEARING: Gibbs, you have just as much chance of catching me as Caitlin Todd does of coming back to life.

　

Ouch! But it gets worse. How about Final Fantasy VII?

　

SEPHIROTH: Well, Cloud, I guess Aerith doesn’t have much fight left in her anymore, now does she!

　

Luke Skywalker, Leroy Gibbs, and Cloud Strife would either cry their eyes out, scream in rage, or beat the shit out of whoever said those things. Not only that, but the audience would have a sour taste in their mouths and would hit the power button at the drop of a hat. And yet, we continue to watch wrestling because there are other segments that are fun to watch.

With wrestling, it makes sense to watch it for things other than the worst parts. You don’t have that luxury with a movie like North Country, which is swarming with sexual harassment scenes. Another example would be a movie I have no desire to see, but know about anyways: Iron-Jawed Angels, where women in the 1920’s were jailed, beaten, force-fed, and raped in their struggle for the right to vote.

The Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic award serves the same purpose for wrestling and MMA that one and two-star reviews do for authors like me: they enforce accountability. However, they don’t always enforce humility, which is much different by comparison. At least when it happens to an author, there’s a slight chance he or she will go back and fix his mistakes, which is something I did with American Darkness and will do with Occupy Wrestling as both books hold a 2.75 star rating on Good Reads and Amazon. The WWE, on the other hand, has exploited death over the past ten years three different times.

I’ll be a wrestling fan no matter what horrible shit happens between the ropes. But if you’re an author with your own brand, you can’t always rely on people always being a fan of you if you exploit death. Sure, it will make your villains the ultimate assholes, but if they keep doing it over and over again like it’s their whole gimmick, then it’ll just frustrate the reader to where he or she won’t want to read anything by you again.

The one thing you can take away from this journal, if nothing else, is that villains were made to be hated, but it’s also okay if they’re liked every once and a while as well. And what do you know? The WWE has villainous wrestlers who are cheered (Kevin Owens) and heroic wrestlers who are booed (Roman Reigns). I just hope Kevin Owens doesn’t find out where The Ultimate Warrior is buried and piss on his grave. That would be bad for business. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

　

***POISON TONGUE TALES***

Would you believe it if I told you I only have three more short stories to write for Poison Tongue Tales before I meet my quota? I didn’t believe it at first either. I knew I had a lot of stories, but not 47. Number 48 will be one called “Wasteland” and it goes like this:

　

CHARACTERS:

　

Faye Blood, Human Monk
Marco Torres, Human Thug
Rook Maxwell, Human Dark Paladin

　

PROMPT CONFORMITY: N/A

　

SYNOPSIS: Faye has been wandering the desert wasteland for days and is exhausted from dehydration. Her monk teachings don’t allow her to attack other travelers to steal their water, but at this point, Faye has no other choice. When she sees Marco and Rook making out in their tent and wasting water by pouring it over each other for added effect, Faye figures that she’s justified in stealing their water. Her martial arts training will get her through almost any battle. Will it get her through this one if she’s caught?

　

***WRESTLING JOKE OF THE DAY***

Since NXT wrestlers Zack Ryder and Mojo Rawley like to call themselves The Hype Bros, then they probably won’t mind calling their tag team finishing move The Bro Job. Then Byron Saxton can make an awkward joke on commentary about how Zack and Mojo have an “in-your-face” style of wrestling.

WWE Night of Champions: Charlotte vs. Nikki Bella

MATCH: Charlotte vs. Nikki Bella for the latter’s Divas Championship, which she could have lost also by disqualification or count-out
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Night of Champions
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass


For the longest time, the divas division of the WWE has been in murky waters. It has been plagued with short matches performed by smoking hot supermodels who fight more like cats than real wrestlers. If a WWE fan wanted to watch women’s wrestling that was actually entertaining, he or she had to get a subscription to the WWE Network and watch NXT. That all changed in a heartbeat one night. Almost a full year had passed since Nikki Bella won the Divas Championship against AJ Lee at Survivor Series in 2014 in a twenty-second disaster. Nikki, her twin sister Brie, and Alicia Fox all got together and danced in the middle of the ring thinking they had complete reign over the divas division.

And then Stephanie McMahon’s “Queendom” music played and out came the iron-fisted queen of WWE herself. She cut a promo about how female athletes all around the world were getting recognition for being just as good or even better than their male counterpart, whether it’s Ronda Rousey in the UFC or Carli Lloyd in soccer. Stephanie believed the WWE should be a part of that women’s revolution as well. So what did she do? She called three NXT divas up to the main roster: Charlotte, Becky Lynch, and Sasha Banks. Not just NXT divas, but badass battlers who could break a supermodel in half with just one punch.

And then the Divas Revolution was underway. The matches were longer, the women got better storylines, they got time in the ring to cut promos, and the matches were actually fun-to-watch wrestling competitions instead of just boring catfights. Despite this adrenaline shot to the heart of the divas division, there were still critics out there who thought pushing all of these women to the top was a waste of time. WWE Hall of Famer Greg “The Hammer” Valentine gave the most disgusting quote of the year when he said if he was in charge of the WWE, he would fire all of the divas and make them work in strip bars. I’m still waiting for Ronda Rousey to put this asshole in a shoulder lock and rip his goddamn arm out. If I have to wait forever, then damn it, I’ll wait forever.

At WWE Night of Champions in the year 2015, the critics would have duct tape on their mouths forever. Charlotte had just earned a chance to face Nikki Bella at this event for the latter’s Divas Championship. With her father Ric Flair and the NXT staff’s training, Charlotte could accomplish anything she wanted to. She was tall, lean, athletic, and she could beat the crap out of anybody put in front of her. She once out-wrestled Natalya for the vacant NXT Title. Natalya was trained in wrestling and jujitsu in the infamous Hart Dungeon, so getting a hard-fought victory over her in a classic back-and-forth war is saying something. Now Charlotte looks to do the same with Nikki Bella.

Before this match started, Nikki Bella was being written off by fans across the world as a supermodel with a middle school mentality who got an easy path to success by beating other girls just as “weak” as her. When the match actually started, she showed how much of a vicious wrestler she could be. Nikki’s entire game plan throughout the match was to not just attack Charlotte’s left leg, but also maul it, destroy it, and cripple it.

And damn, did Nikki deliver on that game plan. She suplexed Charlotte into the ropes and turnbuckles with the victim’s knee landing right on those hard structures. And while Charlotte was sitting on the ring apron hoping to recover, Nikki grabbed her injured leg and threw her to the concrete floor in a hard-hitting move known as the Dragon Screw. To add insult to injury, Nikki applied Ric Flair’s patented submission hold, the Figure Four Leg Lock, across the steel ring post with Charlotte’s legs bound and twisted in ways they’re not supposed to bend. And then the champion applied more pressure on the leg by twisting it backwards in a Single-Leg Boston Crab. And then more suplexes into the ropes and corners. And then a shoulder tackle to the back of the leg.

The relentless assault took a huge toll on Charlotte’s mobility. She was so badly in pain that she couldn’t even walk straight, let alone run off the ropes for a decent clothesline. My niece Reina watched this match with me and though she wasn’t in it, she still had aches and pains going through her own body while she was empathizing with Charlotte. If competing in this match cripples Charlotte, then the viewers at home and at the Houston, Texas arena would leave in wheelchairs. That’s how torturous this match looked on TV.

Which is why it’s so rewarding for the underdog Charlotte to come back from this endless pain and pull off a big move that will win her the Divas Championship. As Nikki dove off the top rope for another shoulder tackle, she got a spear tackle of her own right to the gut compliments of the challenger for her title. And then Charlotte did the unthinkable. Even with her severely battered left leg, she applied not only her father’s Figure Four Leg Lock to Nikki, but also bridged backwards to make it The Figure Eight. She held this position for as long as she painstakingly could and Nikki Bella eventually tapped out to lose the championship, ending her reign at 300-plus days.

Overcoming adversity is something women have had to do not just in sports, but in life in general. They had to take beatings just to earn the right to vote in America, they had to live as pariahs just to have the right to divorce their husbands, they’re being shot at for wanting feminine healthcare, and even today in this somewhat liberalized culture, women still have to fight for recognition in this world.

After seeing Charlotte win a hard-fought match for her first WWE Divas Championship in which the referee almost stopped it due to injury, I only have one thing left to say to Greg Valentine and everyone else who thinks that a woman’s place is in the kitchen. Would you really trust a red-hot warrior like Charlotte or Ronda Rousey with an iron skillet in one hand and a bread knife in the other? You want a woman to cook and clean for you? Okay. She can cook you with a flame thrower and clean the evidence of your existence off the floors so that the police don‘t suspect a thing. How does that sound?

Corey Darkside

NAME: Corey Darkside
AGE: 35
OCCUPATION: Barbarian Gangster
CANON: Gangs of Kingston


Do you know very many barbarians named Corey? Even female ones; be honest. Can you picture someone with that given name charging at you with a big fucking battleaxe and splitting you like a log? If this was the year 2010 and I was still writing screenplays, then I would have made this a new trend. But in order for that trend to catch on, the movie script I write has to be successful, as in it has to be made into an actual, dee-dee-dee, movie! Port Orchard isn’t exactly a cinematic town and Hollywood is God knows how many miles away, so screenplays aren’t my best option. But a regular novel with a barbaric badass named Corey Darkside? That’s a little more workable.

Today’s criminal gangs aren’t known for being liberal-minded towards women. Politicians of the middle ages were even more sexist during their time in power. Combine these two elements and you have to wonder how a woman like Corey Darkside gets involved in a gang in the first place. She’s 6’5”, muscular, carries a giant battleaxe, and has a limited sex appeal. Needless to say, Corey would never be “sexed in”, not in a million years. And yet, she somehow became the faithful girlfriend of dwarf barbarian Edge Warbringer and the co-leader of his criminal empire. I know dwarves aren’t thought of as having high standards of beauty or charisma, so this relationship might actually work.

Edge and Corey were born for battle. If you don’t believe them, take a look at the mile high pile of dead bodies they leave behind. In the screenplay Gangs of Kingston, the streets are littered with corpses of gangsters and innocent people alike to where tripping over somebody’s bloody arm isn’t unheard of. The main character, an elf warrior named Jonah Jeriqee, had to side-wind past these big ass piles just to get something to drink at the pub. Going to the pub is a bad idea in and of itself since that’s where most of the violence happens. In fact, there’s not one square inch of Kingston that doesn’t reek of death, past, present, or future. You can thank Corey Darkside for at least part of that violence.

Would you believe it if I told you that Jonah Jeriqee actually survived an encounter with Corey? In Edge’s own underground mosh pit, no less! But how is that possible? Being an elf, Jonah is a skinny twig, so watching him swing a giant barbed club like he does looks ridiculous. Corey Darkside, on the other hand, looks more than comfortable when she swings her tower-sized battleaxe. There’s only one way to survive a battle with this war-torn beast of a woman: run. After a few cheap shots here and there, Jonah got out of there with his life, despite the fact that Corey is a faster runner than he is.

Trickery and stealth will not guarantee you a convincing victory, however, which is why Corey is still a threat to anybody she crosses. When she wins a battle, she fucking wins. Everyone else either barely survives by the skin of their teeth or gets ripped up like a piece of paper. It should make perfect sense that she be a high-profile villain in any story she’s a part of. She has the last name Darkside, for Christ’s sake! There’s no way an ultra-powerful warrior like this has any room for character development like a hero would. She’s like Deus Shadowheart with tits and a vagina: every fight with her has Deus Ex Machina implications.

The only way I could picture Corey Darkside as a believable hero would be if she was a professional wrestler. There were many large women before her who became successful with their size and god-like athleticism: Chyna, Awesome Kong, Beth Phoenix, Natalya, and Charlotte just to name a few. But if Corey is going to be a believable hero in the world of wrestling, she’s going to have to have a thick skin, especially if she gets a Most Overrated Wrestler award from the Wrestling Observer Newsletter. It may seem like a chump change award, but those awards are possible because the majority of wrestling fans vote for that shit. Size isn’t everything, but character is. Therefore, Corey is more likely to be a villainous barbarian gangster than a heroic professional wrestler. Well, I gave it a shot.

　

***WRESTLING JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What do you call a Samoan wrestler who eats cheap noodles?
A: Ramen Reigns.

WWE NXT

TITLE: WWE NXT

GENRE: Professional Wrestling

RATING: TV-PG for mild violence

GRADE: A+

If you follow the yearly Wrestling Observer Newsletter awards like I do, you would have seen that the award for Best Weekly Television Show in 2013 was WWE NXT. You know why it won that prestigious award? Because when it comes to professional wrestling, there’s only one way to describe WWE NXT: bullshit-free television. That means there are no goofy stunt doubles, no tyrannical authority figures, no cranky divas, and no ridiculous endings to otherwise good matches. You want to know what wrestling is all about? WWE NXT is your answer. It can be all yours if you purchase the WWE Network for only…come on, people, what is it? It’s only $9.99 a month!

NXT is supposed to be the training grounds for wrestlers and divas who want to be featured on WWE Raw and Smackdown, the company’s two flagship shows. Judging from the way these “rookies” wrestle, it looks like they’ve spent their whole lives training. For many of the wrestlers, this couldn’t be closer to the truth.

Sami Zayn is a high-flying technical wizard who wrestled all over the world. Tyson Kidd is the final graduate of the infamous Hart Dungeon and knows how to cripple his opponents inside that ring. Tyler Breeze is arrogant and self-serving, but his own high-flying style justifies his otherwise obnoxious gimmick. Adrian Neville is called “The Man Gravity Forgot” for a reason: because every time he flies around the ring or even does a ground move, it looks like he’s in outer space. Four kick-ass wrestlers who always put on five-star matches whenever they’re in the ring. In fact, they downright steal the show. But these are just the main-eventers of NXT.

Even the wrestlers who haven’t been doing it for quite as long don’t show their inexperience very often. Bull Dempsey’s wrestling career started in 2006 and he fights like a 300-lb. wrecking ball, smashing and bruising everyone in his path. Charlotte’s career started in 2012, but she has so much going for her already: she trained under her father Ric Flair (a two-time WWE Hall of Famer and 16-time World Champion), she’s over six feet tall and is built like a powerhouse, and she had quite possibly the match of the year in 2014 against Natalya (daughter of Jim Neidhart) to win the NXT Women’s Championship. Anybody else that needs mentioning? How about Baron Corbin, a seven-foot juggernaut who squashed CJ Parker in his first match, which is a difficult feat in and of itself. Let me put it this way: when Pinocchio does another Geico commercial where he’s a motivational speaker, his nose won’t grow when he says NXT wrestlers have lots of potential.

Professional wrestling gets a lot of crap these days for being “gay porn” or “a redneck soap opera”. WWE NXT is quickly proving those two slurs to be wrong. The wrestlers are awesome to watch in the ring. The storylines are believable and are therefore easy to sit through. The commentary team isn’t constantly at each other’s throats nor are they trying to make corny jokes all the time. Like I said before, WWE NXT is bullshit-free television. If you want to make a layman into a believer, show them a random episode from this weekly series. Or if you really want to put your best foot forward, show him or her one of the two-hour specials. Bottom line: I can’t picture Triple H or Stephanie McMahon referring to the NXT staff as “B+ players” anytime soon.