Chris Kael from Five Finger Death Punch: Telling On Himself Since Day One

 

Zoltan Bathory from Five Finger Death Punch

 

Wesley Anselmo a.k.a. Scar Tissue

 

All the potential of a rock n' roll legend and none of the opportunities.

John Cooper (Skillet) X Ivan Moody (Five Finger Death Punch)

 

Black Tar Kiss, Prologue

Living in Sweetwater was like going to a Five Finger Death Punch concert every day for the rest of my life, but there was no heavy metal and no mosh pit, just beer cans, Trump signs, shotgun shells, and idiots who put those things there in the first place. Not a lot of opportunities for a kid like me. Like any small rural town, it was a whole lot of nothing for miles and miles and miles. Maybe some grass here and there, maybe a few cow pies to make my nostrils bleed, and that was about it. My 18^th birthday, joyless and festive as it was bound to be, was only a month away, but my father gave me the best gift I could ever ask for and it wasn’t even on my list: a reason to leave him and this god-awful town behind.

 

There I was walking down that lonely road with a Dark Side of the Moon T-shirt on my back, some blue jeans on my ass, and my whole life packed into a garbage bag slung over my shoulder. I didn’t even bother bringing a suitcase, not that we could afford such fancy things. Just a trash bag for a piece of white trash. How appropriate. I had a gorgon death stare on my face the entire time I was walking. I wasn’t even the least bit concerned about the sores on my feet or the achiness in my legs. Something else of mine was hurting a hell of a lot more than that: my broken spirit.

 

My mom left us when I wasn’t even old enough to be in the double digits. Too much drinking, too many drugs, and neither me nor my father wanted to deal with her anymore, so she up and left. You’d think that’d be the end of the drama, but my relationship with my dad wasn’t much better. He was a yeller, that’s for sure. I probably would be too if I married a woman like that. Or it could have been a generational thing. Either way, when he yelled at me for the slightest inconvenience, I drifted apart from him. To his credit, he never slapped me or spanked me with a belt like other fathers in my town would have done to their kids. But I guess that’s where the Five Finger Death Punch analogy comes into play: lots of screaming, lots of noise, and lots of BS. I’m surprised my ears didn’t bleed like faucets after one of his fits of rage.

 

To the surprise of absolutely nobody, I never wanted to see him again, but he sure wanted to see me another time or two. In fact, he was so desperate for a verbal sparring partner that I heard his truck engine gurgling and burping not too far from where I was walking. I’d know that truck anywhere. Didn’t smell great either. For a guy who fixes cars for a living, he didn’t have much time for his own truck. Definitely needed a tune-up. I probably would have had to beg him to tune it up before one of us died from lung cancer. That truck engine got louder and louder, but I just kept walking. As far as I was concerned, the engine and his voice were every bit as obnoxious as each other.

 

Wasn’t nearly as bad as that horn was, though. He blasted it a few times to try to jolt me out of my pissed off stupor. I didn’t budge at all. Kept walking. He blasted it some more like he was in a jazz band, or maybe Five Finger Death Punch got themselves a saxophone player. I still didn’t turn around to face him. Then he called my name in a way I’ve heard many times before. “Elijah! Get your ass back here!” He honked again. “Elijah! Move it! Come on, buddy, let’s go!” I didn’t give two damns and just kept walking. He honked one more time. “Elijah! Get your ass in the car, now!”

 

“Yeah, Dogmeat, get your ass in the car! He didn’t say which one, though.” And there he was, parked in a silver corvette off the side of the road, which had like a dozen key scratches on it, probably to reduce its value and make it easier to buy. Or it was stolen from the rich folk in Bull Rope, I’ll never know. That would be White Snake sitting in the driver’s seat. He wasn’t an actual member of the hair metal band, but he did have that long black hair, sunglasses, and leather jacket that would make you believe otherwise. The closest he ever got to playing an instrument was beating rival incel gangsters like a drum, as you could see from the redness on his knuckles.

 

Riding shotgun with him was Scar Tissue. With that spiky haircut, milk bottle skin, and 70’s porn star moustache, you wouldn’t believe this guy was Latino. But if he had been anything other than milky white, White Snake would have booted his ass a long time ago. I guess he just liked having a guy around who could translate Spanish for him and occasionally curse at other gangsters in his native tongue. It was pretty damn entertaining watching him rundown some poor bastard with words I wouldn’t know if my C+ in Espanol classes was anything to go by. I knew a few words, but I could never hold a full conversation. His English was topnotch, though, so I wasn’t worried about it.

 

“Dogmeat? That’s what you want to be called now? Dogmeat? What are you, stupid?” Fair question coming from my dad, but I was in no mood to entertain the thought of getting in his truck.

 

“Yeah, you’re clearly daddy of the year calling him Elijah. That 2,000-year-old fantasy novel ain’t worth the paper it’s printed on, my guy. And that church you go to every Sunday would be better off as a Mickey D’s. The food’s about as fake as the stories in that god awful book.” White Snake wasn’t one to hold back and I already loved him for it. Naturally, I started gravitating toward the corvette with a million scratches on it.

 

But of course, this conversation wouldn’t be complete if my dad didn’t honk the ear-piercing horn one more time. “Elijah, if you get into that goddamn car, you’re making the biggest mistake of your life, son! You think these high school dropouts care about you? You think these losers are your friends? You’re better than this, damn it!”

 

I stopped in my tracks and looked back at him with some sad ass eyes, like I was about to see the light. But then again, people who stare at the eclipse with no shades on see the light and look what happened to them. “Sorry, Dad.” I told him. “Your mouth got you into trouble for the last time. Goodbye, old man.”

 

To the Beethoven-like symphony of my dad honking his horn and cursing at the top of his lungs despite being a good Christian boy, I ignored all of it, and got in the backseat of the corvette. I threw my trash bag of this and that onto the adjacent seat and gave him one last sad-ass look before White Snake and Scar Tissue hooted and hollered in excitement. White Snake stepped on the acceleration and those screeching tires were more heavenly on my ears than my screeching dad’s voice. Off we go into the night without a second thought. Why would I need a second thought? It was the easiest decision of my life walking away from Sweetwater.

 

For the next three months, one of which my 18^th birthday passed without a hitch, I would be a full-fledged member of Black Tar Kiss, an incel gang who fought other incel gangs for the rarest resource of all: the love of some chick with a huge…huge…HUGE…Twitch following. And if she or any other Stacy didn’t want to give us that love, we would take it with both hands, which didn’t sound like a figure of speech to me at that point. It all sounded so exciting even though the first three months was basically a trial period to see if me and Scar Tissue were good enough. Mostly grunt work and white-collar stuff, some wheeling and dealing, and maybe some training in an abandoned building that was great for squatting, both the homestead and gym rat kind.

 

But after that three month grace period, the three of us were on our way for the biggest battle of our lives: a fracas with Me Encanta Femicidio at Battleground Park. The real excitement was about to begin. But if I’m keeping it a hundred with you all, any excitement I felt during that grace period was starting to feel like homesickness. Yeah, my dad was the only stable environment I’ve ever been a part of. Yeah, he was louder than a heavy metal band who tried WAY too hard to suck up to the troops while using a brass knuckle microphone. But when he told me that joining Black Tar Kiss would be the biggest mistake of my life…he wasn’t joking. If looking at beer cans and Trump signs on the side of a Sweetwater road was enough to make me miserable, hanging around with White Snake was a hell of a lot worse…

Bad Comedy

(In the style of “Bad Company” by Bad Company)

VERSE 1

Comedy is supposed to be about fun

I’d rather off myself with a loaded gun

You were born with sense of humor cancer

The crowd is dead, army of a necromancer

CHORUS 1

That’s why they call you

Bad comedy, not a laugh or a cry

Bad, bad comedy, your edge is all a lie

Your edge is all a lie

Your edge is all a lie

VERSE 2

Oh so brave, a rebel you’ve been called

Truth teller? I’ve never been so appalled

And now these crowds, they boo you off the stage

Your lame-ass jokes, they will poorly age

CHORUS 2

That’s why they call you

Bad comedy, you got too many tries

Bad, bad comedy, no pay-per-view buys

No pay-per-view buys

No pay-per-view buys

BRIDGE

Laugh at the vulnerable

Laugh at the “truth”

You’re wasting your time

We’re wasting our youth

CHORUS 3

That’s why they call you

Bad comedy, go ahead and deny

Bad, bad comedy, shut up and make my fries

Shut up and make my fries

Until the day you die

25 Things That Got Me Through 2022

Just like in 2020 and 2021, I’ve got a list of 25 things that got me through 2022, which in turn was inspired by Innuendo Studios. Why? Because the fuckery isn’t over yet and silver linings are more important now than they’ve ever been. Anyways, here’s the list:

1. Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely

2. Dark Side of the Ring Season 3

3. Diablo II Soundtrack

4. Diablo II Videogame

5. Everdell

6. Final Jeopardy clips

7. Five Finger Death Punch concert with Megadeth, The Hu, and Fire From the Gods opening for them

8. Golden Axe Soundtrack (SEGA Genesis version)

9. Incubus concert with Sublime with Rome, The Aquadolls, and Naked Giants opening for them

10. Jon Moxley’s memoir

11. Magic: the Gathering

12. Maus II by Art Spiegelman

13. Pathfinder, Vol. 4: Origins

14. Quacks of the Quedlinberg

15. Reads with Rachel

16. Rocked (Luke Spencer’s You Tube channel)

17. Roger Waters: This Is Not a Drill concert

18. Starcraft Soundtrack

19. Sting: The Bridge

20. Sunstone, Vol. 1 by Stjepan Sejic

21. Super Human by Michael Carroll

22. Tears For Fears: The Tipping Point

23. The Price Is Right clips

24. Warcraft II Soundtrack

25. Wheel of Fortune bonus round clips

My First Post-Pandemic Concert...

Well…for my first concert since the pandemic, I chose to see Five Finger Death Punch. Opening for them were Megadeth, The Hu, and Fire From the Gods. The openers were badass as to be expected. The crowd, myself included, were REALLY riled up when 5FDP did their set. My voice got scratchy as fuck after screaming the lyrics to “Burn Motherfucker” and “Jekyll and Hyde”. All this travel anxiety I had the night before was for nothing since getting to and from the venue was easy-breezy. One last note: I never actually socialized with anybody there, but if I had to take a guess at their names, there would be fifteen Kyles, twenty Codys, and at least one guy named Todd. The numbers could be slightly off, but the names are probably accurate. It was a fun night overall. I’d do it all again in a heartbeat! Unfortunately, I don’t have any physical evidence of me being there since the pictures I took were blurry as fuck. That’s a shame.

Orpheus Rinehart

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THE BASICS

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Name: Orpheus Rinehart

Nicknames: Commander, White Snake

Gender: Cisgender Male

Age: 50

Birth Date: 450 AM

Birth Place: Morgan Town

Currently Living In: Shadow Asylum Headquarters

Species: Human

Ethnicity / Race: White

Citizenship: Morgan Town

Religion / Beliefs: Far Right Capitalist

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FAMILY

=========================================

Father: Miller Rinehart

Age: Dead

Relationship: Abusive

Mother: Quinn Rinehart

Age: Dead

Relationship: Protective

=========================================

PHYSICAL FEATURES:

=========================================

Height: 6’5”

Weight: 350 lbs.

Frame / Build: Chunky

Hair length: Horseshoe with a Long Dreadlocked Beard

Hair color: Brown

Eye shape: Wide

Eye color: Hazel

Complexion: Dirty

Face size (broad, narrow, etc.): Round

Voice type: Angry

Foot size: 17 Men’s

Tattoo(s): “Death Before Dishonor” on his arm

Scar(s): Burn marks from childhood

Other notable accessories: None

Any other identifying mark(s): None

=========================================

SOCIO / ECONOMIC / POLITICAL

=========================================

Political Affiliation: Far Right

Economic Class: Upper-Middle Class

Social Class: CEO

Occupation: Mercenary

Income: High

Residence: Shadow Asylum Headquarters

Transportation: Horse

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INTERESTS

=========================================

Favorite Food(s): Steak

Favorite Sport(s): Football and Wrestling

Favorite Book(s): Murder Mysteries

Favorite Show(s): TV isn’t a thing yet

Favorite Music: People screaming in pain

Favorite Color(s): Red and Black

Clothing Style / Preferences: Red tunic, red pants, metal boots, and black trench coat

Hobbies: Hunting, taxidermy, smoking cigars, drinking beer, playing pool

Role Model(s): His abusive father

Likes: Toxic masculinity, violence, bigotry, money, and torture

Dislikes: “Pussies”, elves, women (except ones who will have sex with him), poor people

=========================================

PERSONALITY

=========================================

Good Qualities / Trait(s): Leadership skills, hard-power authority, intimidation

Vices / Negative Trait(s): Racism, anger, sexism, unable to break abusive cycles

Strengths: Fighting skills, leadership, ruthlessness, business acumen

Weaknesses: Generational trauma, quick to anger, sadistic, can’t take criticism

Habits / Idiosyncrasies / Quirks: Chain smoking and finger drumming

Phobia / Fears: Gay people, his father’s beatings, disappointing his father, being poor

Select one personality type below that best describes your character:

CREATORS

[X] Persuader (ESTP) – Realists. Enthusiastic people of action who like to explore and use their senses to explore the world. Likes sports and are risk-takers. They live in the (preferably) fast-paced here and now, and thrive on problems and crises. Often fearless and dominates conversations. Blunt and very straightforward. Does not necessarily follow the law if it gets in the way of what they want.

Define your character’s personality based on the following aspects:

a. Physically: Intimidating, loud, beefy

b. Psychologically: Quick to anger, quick to judge, and will lash out at whoever he wants to

c. Spiritually: openly mocks the Magetan religion every chance he gets

d. Emotionally: Extreme mental toughness, expects the same from his employees

e. Socially: Despite being afraid of him, people believe he’s good at his mercenary job and will pay his exorbitant prices if it means procuring his services

Others things to know:

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HISTORY

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1. Describe the character’s childhood. Despite pleading from his mother, Orpheus’s father abused him constantly with beatings and insults, instilling toxic masculinity in him at an early age. Orpheus started the Shadow Asylum mercenary guild as a way to avoid his father’s wrath while also putting his fighting skills to good use.

2. Name the good incidents that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? The only joy from Orpheus’s childhood were the many hunting trips his father took him on, but that only added to his sadism.

3. Name bad experiences that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? Aside from his father’s abusive ways, his father also killed his mother during a petty argument. That was how Orpheus learned to solve his problems with violence.

4. What is the character doing when first introduced? What are his goals at this point? Negotiating a deal with King Lars Stonewall to take down the Atwood Queendom. This is just another job to Orpheus, which means more money to spend on drugs and alcohol.

4a. Do these goals change at any point in the story? I can’t tell you due to spoilers.

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STORY DEVELOPMENT:

=========================================

CHARACTER ARCHETYPE: (Put an X on all applicable boxes)

[X] Addict (Conspicuous Consumer, Glutton, Workaholic–see also Gambler)

[] Advocate (Attorney, Defender, Legislator, Lobbyist, Environmentalist)

[] Alchemist (Wizard, Magician, Scientist, Inventor–see also Visionary)

[] Angel (Fairy Godmother/Godfather)

[X] Antagonist (Opposing View, not necessarily the Evil Bad — see also Villain)

[] Anti-Hero

[] Artist (Artisan, Craftsperson, Sculptor, Weaver)

[X] Athlete (Olympian)

[] Avenger (Avenging Angel, Savior, Messiah)

[] Beggar (Homeless person/ Indigent)

[X] Bully (Coward)

[] Catalyst

[] Child (Orphan, Wounded, Magical/Innocent, Nature, Divine, Puer/Puella Eternis, or Eternal Boy/Girl)

[] Clown (Court Jester, Fool, Dummling)

[] Companion (Friend, Sidekick, Right Arm, Consort)

[] Damsel (Princess)

[X] Destroyer (Attila, Mad Scientist, Serial Killer, Spoiler)

[] Detective (Spy, Double Agent, Sleuth, Snoop, Sherlock Holmes, Private Investigator, Profiler–see also Warrior/Crime Fighter)

[] Dilettante (Amateur)

[] Don Juan (Casanova, Gigolo, Seducer, Sex Addict)

[] Engineer (Architect, Builder, Schemer)

[] Exorcist (Shaman)

[] Father (Patriarch, Progenitor)

[] Femme Fatale (Black Widow, Flirt, Siren, Circe, Seductress, Enchantress)

[] Gambler

[] God (Adonis, see also Hero)

[] Gossip (see also Networker)

[] Guide (Guru, Sage, Crone, Wise Woman, Spiritual Master, Evangelist, Preacher)

[] Healer (Wounded Healer, Intuitive Healer, Caregiver, Nurse, Therapist, Analyst, Counselor)

[] Hedonist (Bon Vivant, Chef, Gourmet, Gourmand, Sybarite–see also Mystic)

[] Hermit (see also Wise old Man)

[] Hero/Heroine (see also Knight, Warrior)

[] Judge (Critic, Examiner, Mediator, Arbitrator)

[] King (Emperor, Ruler, Leader, Chief — see also Politician)

[] Knight in Shining Armor

[] Liberator

[] Lover

[] Martyr

[] Mediator (Ambassador, Diplomat, Go-Between)

[] Mentor (Master, Counselor, Tutor)

[] Messiah (Redeemer, Savior)

[] Midas/Miser

[] Monk/Nun (Celibate)

[] Mother (Matriarch, Mother Nature)

[] Mystic (Renunciate, Anchorite, Hermit)

[] Networker (Messenger, Herald, Courier, Journalist, Communicator)

[] Pioneer (Explorer, Settler, Pilgrim, Innovator)

[] Poet

[] Politician (see also King)

[] Priest (Priestess, Minister, Rabbi, Evangelist)

[] Prince

[] Prostitute

[] Queen (Empress)

[] Rebel (Anarchist, Revolutionary, Political Protester, Nonconformist, Pirate)

[] Rescuer

[] Saboteur

[] Samaritan

[] Scribe (Copyist, Secretary, Accountant–see also Journalist)

[] Seeker (Wanderer, Vagabond, Nomad)

[] Servant (Indentured Servant)

[] Shape-shifter (Spell-caster–see also Trickster)

[] Slave

[] Spectre (Ghost / Apparition with Unresolved issues)

[] Storyteller (Minstrel, Narrator)

[] Student / Scholar (Disciple, Devotee, Follower, Apprentice)

[] Teacher (Instructor, see also Mentor)

[] Thief (Swindler, Con Artist, Pickpocket, Burglar, Robin Hood)

[] Threshold Guardian

[] Trickster (Puck, Provocateur)

[X] Turncoat

[] Vampire

[X] Victim

[X] Villain / Shadow (Big Bad of the story; see also Antagonist)

[] Virgin (see also Celibate)

[] Visionary (Dreamer, Prophet, Seer–see also Guide, Alchemist)

[X] Warrior (Soldier, Crime Fighter, Amazon, Mercenary, Soldier of Fortune, Gunslinger, Samurai)

[] Wise old Man (see also Hermit)

1. What are the motivations for the character’s actions? Money, cigars, alcohol, and not angering his father even though he’s dead and only exists as a voice in Orpheus’s head.

2. What are the character’s goals / ambition / dreams? To become the most “badass” mercenary anyone has ever crossed, to strike fear in the hearts of the entire world.

3. What external conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Completing missions on time.

3a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? Windham is slow in delivering the blueprints from Shelly’s castle.

4. What inner conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Shutting up his father’s head voice.

4a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? Head voices don’t go away on their own. Plus, Rinehart thinks that therapy is for “pussies”.

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AUTHOR’S NOTES / MISCELLANY

=========================================

Character theme song: “American Capitalist” by Five Finger Death Punch

Celebrity / IRL lookalike: A fatter version of Chris Kael

For Who You Are

VERSE 1

You said that thinking was never my strong suit

Then why are you the one licking cult leaders’ boots?

Why is your brain melting like chocolate ice cream?

Why are you the reason all the teachers want to scream?

You’ve got emotional maturity of a six-year-old kid

A whole lot of whining is all you really did

All the fake cleverness won’t take you very far

Own up and apologize FOR WHO YOU ARE!

VERSE 2

You said playtime is over and to grow the fuck up

You’d be more scientific if you’d just shut up

Putting down the Legos doesn’t make a lick of sense

I got a box of Beanie Babies for just ninety-nine cents

I got a videogame that takes a hundred hours to beat

To win this argument, all you have to do is cheat

Don’t just apologize to my Hot Wheels mini-cars

Apologize FOR WHO YOU ARE!

BRIDGE

You ask me to change, yet you won’t do the same

Respect goes two ways; this is not the Hunger Games

You ask me to listen like it’s my life’s only mission

Fuck your tunnel vision; you owe me some ass-kissin’

VERSE 3

Don’t just apologize for all the harm you’ve caused

Don’t just apologize for all the time you’ve lost

Don’t just apologize for lowering the bar

Apologize FOR WHO YOU ARE!

FINAL LINES

This debate has reached its expiration date

Goodbye, reprobate, and enjoy the hate!

Beautiful Monster Official Soundtrack

 Commonsense dictates that I should be in bed right now considering it’s about two in the morning. But instead, I put together my official soundtrack for Beautiful Monster. There are twenty songs on this list and they total up to an hour and eighteen minutes of play time. Starting with…

1. “Beautiful Monster” by Otherwise (no shit, Sherlock)

2. “Between You and Nowhere” by Hellyeah

3. “Crying Out” by Shinedown

4. “The Dark of You” by Breaking Benjamin

5. “Death” by Demon Hunter

6. “Don’t Leave Me Now” by Pink Floyd

7. “For You” by Marko Hietala

8. “Frozen” by Within Temptation

9. “Fuck Love” by All That Remains

10. “Heavy” by Linkin Park

11. “Holding My Breath” by Alien Weaponry

12. “A Little Bit Off” by Five Finger Death Punch

13. “Love Is Blue” by Paul Mauriat (of course)

14. “My Immortal” by Evanescence

15. “Nothing’s Fair in Love and War” by Three Days Grace

16. “Say Goodnight” by Gemini Syndrome

17. “Scarlet” by In This Moment

18. “Sickened” by Disturbed

19. “Volcanic” by Death Angel

20. “You Love Me ‘Cause I Hate You” by Lacuna Coil

A Little Bit Off

Dr. Esther Villalobos hoped that the downpour outside would be sufficient in calming down her next patient. If not that, then the pictures of fluffy felines mounted on her walls. And if not that, then the musty smell of old books sitting on her shelves. Then again, perhaps the little things about her cozy office were just that: little. She knew full well that she had to be as delicate as possible when handling her newest client.

She remembered watching the media circus unfold on TV like it was yesterday. Every news anchor seemed to have an obsessive fixation on the demonic serial killer Lucy Butler. How she seduced and brainwashed her brilliant-minded abductees into believing their own mediocrity. How she played “Love Is Blue” by Paul Mauriat over and over again to drive that point home.

But the biggest thing that made Esther squirm in her chair all those days ago was how the media and subsequent viewers sexualized the hell out of Lucy Butler, whether it was her natural beauty, her alluring methods, or just because hybristophilia was still a thing in this day and age. People said the exact same things about Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer, so maybe it shouldn’t have come as a big surprise. Still, Esther shivered at the thought of romanticizing such a brutal killer.

“I could definitely use a cigarette right now,” said Esther to nobody in particular as she sat in her swivel chair tapping her foot.

The nicotine would have to wait a little longer. There was a halfhearted knock on her door and she said, “Come in”, which the visitor did. Sure enough, the centerpiece of these Lucy Butler stories, Landon Bryce, skulked through the office door looking like hell. His blondish brown hair looked like it hadn’t been combed since god knows when. His Linkin Park T-shirt and blue jeans were covered in what looked like corn chip dust. Hopefully, that wasn’t all he was eating lately, but Esther wasn’t banking on any other answers. After all, the life in his once pretty eyes had been completely drained and his face sagged to show off his lack of zest for life.

Landon’s most noticeable feature, however, was the bruises and cuts all over his bony hands. Esther was no detective, but she had to assume those bloody scrapes had something to do with him getting in fights as recently as a few days ago. He didn’t seem to notice his own damage as he just stood in the doorway shivering lightly and staring at nothing like the zombie he was.

“Good morning,” said Esther in a soft, benign voice that didn’t betray the fact that she was a smoker. “You must be Landon. I’m Dr. Esther Villalobos. Please, make yourself at home. There’s a seat on the leather couch with your name on it.” He was in no hurry to lay down on the couch, but once he did, he found the comfort he needed to take deep breaths in an attempt to calm whatever chaos was going on his mind. He still trembled, though. “Before we begin, do you want some Vaseline for your hands? They look like they could use some TLC.”

“Huh?” Landon just now noticed the scars on his hand and languidly answered, “Sure, okay.”

Esther pulled a bottle of Vaseline out of her desk drawers and squirted a few drops into her patient’s palms. Landon hissed in pain as he rubbed the grease all over his wounds, but by the time he was finished massaging his hands, they already looked a little bit better than they did before. Any improvement was a victory in Esther’s mind.

As Landon laid on the couch allowing his anxiety to wash over him, Esther sat in her swivel chair with a clipboard in her lap and a look of concern on her middle-aged face. Her black hair showed a few streaks of white and her sweater and slacks attire showed off her advanced age even more, which hopefully translated into wisdom for Landon and therefore into somebody he could trust with his woes.

Esther adjusted her thin-rimmed glasses. “So, Landon…we talked on the phone before we made this appointment official. We bounced ideas back and forth about what we wanted to discuss. From what I can tell, you have no desire to relive your captivity, so that’s not a topic I’m going to dig too deeply into. Besides, anybody within the sound of the media’s voice knows everything they need to know about Lucy Butler’s disgusting behavior. I’m more interested in what life has been like after Agent Frank Black rescued you and the other boys. So…I guess my first question to you is…how are you feeling right now? Take as much time as you need to answer that question. Go into as much or as little detail as you’d like. This is your session, Landon. You make the rules.”

Silence hung between them with the exception of Landon’s deep breathing exercises, though comforting to anybody else, seemed to have very little effect in steadying his nerves. He had been through a lot, it seemed. “Well, Esther, I don’t think anybody really cares how I’m feeling right now…But to answer your question…I’m exhausted…I’m tired of fighting my own mind…But I know that if I fall asleep…I’m just going to have another nightmare about that woman…Every time she kissed me…Every time she felt me up…The same goddamn song over and over again…”

He sniffed a few times in between sentences and wiped a small tear from his eye before continuing. “You know…I haven’t told anybody this…But since we’re in therapy…Sometimes…after a really bad nightmare…where she gets to do whatever she wants with me…I lock the door to my bedroom…draw the curtains…take my pants off…and…and…” He wiped another tear from his eye.

Esther filled in the blanks of his statement right away and nodded. “I see.” She wrote down on her clipboard that in addition to PTSD, he appeared to be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, hence the masturbation.

He continued. “I know I shouldn’t be doing that to her…I hated being in her company…Every time I do it…I hate myself for it…I keep wondering…if the ceiling fan above my room will be enough to support my weight…”

“Landon…listen to me. I know suicide sounds tempting, but it’s not the solution to your problems. You came here today because you wanted relief from it all. You secretly want to live again. There’s not much life in your eyes right now…but I can see just enough that you care deeply about your recovery. Please reconsider.”

“I sometimes wish the kids and teachers at my school would feel the same way…When I was rescued…I went straight back to that…school…if you can call it that…I wasn’t ready…I never was…but I didn’t speak up…I was expected to just soldier on like nothing happened…I wasn’t allowed to ask the world to slow down for me…And right off the bat…everybody noticed…Everybody knew…and they teased me for it…Called me every homophobic slur in the book…said I should have liked being with such a sexy woman…”

“As if being beautiful excuses her appalling actions.”

“Exactly…You know…sometimes…I wish I was ugly…I wish I had a face full of pimples…a three hundred pound beer gut…not a hair on my head…That way…nobody would try to seduce me again…Nobody would tell me they loved me without really meaning it…”

“Landon, I’m going to stop you right there for a moment. There’s something you need to know about that.” Esther sighed and removed her glasses. “How attractive you are has nothing to do with whether or not you were molested. Do you understand? Seduction is just one of thousands of ways in which someone can hurt you. If someone wants to hurt you badly enough, they’ll find a way to do it. It’s not you…it’s them.”

Landon sniffled again. “Try telling that to my ex-girlfriend.”

“You had a girlfriend?”

“I’m not sure I’d call her that, but…after I was rescued…we went on one date together…When she asked me out…I was having a particularly shitty day…I leaned against my locker at school just waiting for the waterworks to come out…She could have greeted me any way she wanted to…She could have said hi…She could have smiled at me…You know what she did?...She ran her nails down my back…On one hand it felt like a nice massage…On the other…it reminded me too much of Lucy…and…I ended up saying yes to her….Like I had something to prove to all of my bullies…Like I wanted to dispel all of those times someone called me a faggot or a queer…She said she liked me for my…’experience’…I was disgusted with her saying that…and I said yes to her anyways…”

Esther took more notes on her clipboard after putting her glasses back on. “How did your date go?”

“About as well as you’d expect it to…I was all numbed out…I couldn’t concentrate on what she was saying…or what the plot of the movie was…Hell, I couldn’t even concentrate in school…That’s why my grades look like shit…I couldn’t even tell if me and my girl had a good time…But when it was over…and she tried to kiss me goodnight…I freaked out…Her lips…they tasted like Lucy’s…All of the sudden…I wasn’t seeing a blond sweetheart anymore…I saw Lucy…I ran away from her screaming…”

“She doesn’t sound like a very considerate girlfriend to me.”

“That’s why we never saw each other again…But at school…the gay slurs…the rape jokes…the pushes…the shoves…they started getting worse…I was constantly throwing up in the bathroom…I was crying my eyes out when nobody would see me…I would sometimes try to leave school on my own…But it was never enough…You want to know why I have scars on my hands?...Because one day…after one of those kids caught me crying…they laughed at me…and laughed…and laughed…so I did the one thing I knew would get me kicked out of school forever…I beat their asses…I punched them so hard their noses broke…their teeth crunched…I kneed them in the balls…kicked them in the ribs…I just kept seeing red…and it was glorious…It gave me the relief I needed…So beautiful…” He punctuated that last line with a smile, giving Esther her own form of anxiety in the pit of her stomach.

“Landon, I’m going to stop you right there for now. You look like you need to stop as well.” Esther took her glasses off again and folded her hands in her lap. “You sound like you’re going through some heavy mental trauma. The lack of concentration, the nightmares, the vomiting, the lack of eating…you can’t live like this any longer. Something has to be done about it. I’m not going to lie to you, Landon. The road to recovery is going to be a long one. It’s going to be tiring. And it’s also going to depend on how far you’re willing to go to achieve your healing. Tell me, Landon…” She leaned in closer. “What are you willing to do to make this pain go away?”

The tears came more frequently and Landon gave up on trying to stop them. “Anything…anything at all…”

“Anything?”

“Yes, damn it, anything!”

“Good…because what I’m about to suggest to you…is so illegal…that you can’t tell anybody about it. You can only do it while you’re in my office. If I get caught administering this to you, I could not only go to jail, but I’d never be able to practice medicine again, which you in turn won’t find your healing. Are you ready?”

“I’m sick of crying all the time…I want to eat food that doesn’t taste like my kidnapper…You’re damn right I’m ready…”

Esther pulled a key out of her pocket and unlocked a bottom drawer before pulling out a vaping pen and handing it to Landon.

“Is this what I think it is?...You want me to smoke marijuana?...I can’t…No, I can’t do this.”

“Why not?”

“Because…I was already in one prison when Lucy kidnapped me…I don’t need to go to another for smoking pot…”

Esther leaned in closer. “Landon…you said you would do anything for relief. You’re not going to find that relief in Xanax or Sertraline. Marijuana has no side effects. It’s not a codependency. It actually does its job in a quick amount of time. Landon, you’re already in a prison. You’re a prisoner of your own mind. And that vaping pen? That’s the key to your cell.”

“Pfft…Yeah right…”

Esther shook her head. “What happened to you, Landon? Before you were kidnapped and molested, you raged against the machine. You told your teachers to shove those C+’s up their asses. Where’s that rebellious spirit?”

“It’s gone, Esther. Every time I rebel against the system, somebody gets hurt.”

“Doing nothing will get even more people hurt.”

“Maybe Lucy was right all along. Maybe mediocrity is all I’ve got left. Maybe those C+’s on my report card…”

“Enough!” Esther interrupted. “Those C+’s and D-‘s? They’re just letters on a piece of paper, no different from the other letters. They don’t determine your self worth. Demonic serial killers with a fetish for bad music don’t determine your self worth either. You do. You know you weren’t destined for a boring life. You know deep in your heart you want to save the world. The more you fight your rebellious urges, the stronger they become. You may not know it right now, but the world needs your voice.”

“Tell that to the bullies at my…”

“I’m telling you!” Esther snapped. After watching Landon jump out of his skin, she apologized and fixed her own clothing. “Landon…Lucy Butler doesn’t love you…and those kids at school? They don’t matter. You do. Only you get to define what love means to you. Kidnapping someone and sexually torturing someone isn’t love. Love is free and kind, not forceful and toxic. You know this in your heart. You still have a heart after all this time. That’s why you’re here, to help yourself realize it. Please, Landon…you are taking a big risk by smoking that pen…but no amount of greatness comes without danger…You…were destined for greatness…”

Judging from the singular tear drops running down Landon’s face, Esther had hope that she had gotten through to him. And then…he took a puff of the pen. But when he blew out the vapors, he coughed like he was losing a lung. Esther said, “Sorry. Takes some getting used to.”

But once the coughing was over, so was the trembling. The tears on his cheeks were replaced by gentle redness. His once glassy eyes were closed. His breathing was slow and relaxed instead of labored and intensive. He seemed to sink to the leather couch in an attempt to fall asleep and hopefully have a dream about something other than molestation.

Esther smiled. “I’m not going to ask you how you’re doing, Landon. I already have the answer.”

“I’m in a lot of trouble, aren’t I?”

“Yes, you are.”

“Pfft…Who gives a shit?”

“My next patient won’t be here for a long time. You can take a quick nap if you’d like. I won’t mind.”

Landon was already one step ahead of her, breathing gently and allowing his head to roll over in relaxation. If he did give a response, it was jumbled and incoherent. Esther patted him on the head before sneaking out of her office and shushing her secretary.

By the time Esther went outside, the downpour had stopped and the sun was out. But for how long? Long enough for Esther to finally smoke that cigarette she earned. She pulled out a Camel and lit it with a match before taking a few drags. Like Landon with his vaping pen, Esther too relaxed as she leaned against the brick building. But at the same time, she looked at her cigarette with mild disgust.

“Don’t ever smoke these, Landon. We need that voice of yours to be as loud as possible…”

Boots and Tongues

VERSE 1

Lick all the ass cheeks, lick all the dicks

Lick all the pussies until you get sick

Drink all the juices, every last ounce

Then tell the world to compare bank accounts

PRE-CHORUS 1

You won’t rinse with mouthwash

Lick it! Lick it! Lick it all!

You won’t use dental floss

CHORUS 1

Boots and tongues! Collect your pay!

Boots and tongues! The corporate way!

Boots and tongues! It tastes okay!

Boots and tongues! Lick it!

VERSE 2

Lick all the bare feet and savor the treat

Toe jam and toenails are the new lunch meat

Lick all the nut sacks and kiss all the rings

Kiss all the asses and lick everything

PRE-CHORUS 2

You won’t brush with toothpaste

Lick it! Lick it! Lick it all!

Dental insurance is such a waste

CHORUS 2

Boots and tongues! Collect your cash!

Boots and tongues! Marry into trash!

Boots and tongues! Hide your stash!

Boots and tongues! Lick it!

CHORUS 3

Boots and tongues! Collect your coin!

Boots and tongues! Stroke your groin!

Boots and tongues! The club to join!

Boots and tongues! Lick it!

One-Legged Death Kick

VERSE 1

Did you hear the one about us getting criticized?

Did you hear the one about us with tears in our eyes?

Did you hear the one about us kissing up to the troops?

Shooting our machineguns from on top of the roofs?

Did you hear the one about us drinking all of the beers?

Did you hear the one about us being better than our peers?

I’ve been wrong about a lot of shit, but this I know is true

We also like to suck up to the cops who wear blue

CHORUS

We went from playing in rundown bars

To being bigger than Hollywood stars

We’re the One-Legged Death Kick

If you don’t like it, you can suck my…

VERSE 2

We only like compliments, not constructive critiques

But we insist that our critics are the only ones who’re weak

The only trickle down you’re going to get

Is boots and blood right in the back of your head

We also have enough guns to supply a small militia

If you try to take them from us, we’ll go ballistic

We wave our flags like they’re meaningful symbols

If you don’t like them, we’ll help you move to a shithole

CHORUS

We went from playing in rundown bars

To being bigger than Hollywood stars

We’re the One-Legged Death Kick

If you don’t like it, you can suck my…

BRIDGE

You’re a disease, too hard to please

We’re the patriots, so full of cheese

Left, two, three, four, hoo-fucking-rah

Everybody else can go get a fucking job

CHORUS

We went from playing in rundown bars

To being bigger than Hollywood stars

We’re the One-Legged Death Kick

If you don’t like it, you can suck my…

FINAL LINES

I pledge allegiance to the flag

Of the Confederate States of America

And to the republicans who blindly follow

With jowls big enough for bullshit to swallow

Amen!

Happy Thanksgiving 2018

***HAPPY THANKSGIVING 2018***

With all of the political splooge going on in the world today, it’s easy to forget the positives in life. There were times when I forgot as well and took everything I had for granted. It took me a long time to get my positive energies realigned this year, but better late than never. In spite of everything, I have lots to be grateful for in 2018 alone. Isn’t that what Thanksgiving is supposed to be about? You know, aside from the good food, good company, and lots of leftovers? After a few days of Turkey comas, I finally have the energy to write a blog and that in and of itself is something for me to be grateful for. So here they are: things I’m thankful for in 2018.

***ROCK CONCERTS***

Music is more than just a collection of noise. It’s therapy. It’s medicine for the soul. Every concert I go to is a pilgrimage into the holy lands. I’ve been to eight different rock concerts this year and they were all tons of fun. In February I saw Pop Evil and three nights later I saw Starset at the same venue. In May I saw Papa Roach and on Mother’s Day I saw Soulfly at the now defunct Studio 7 in Seattle. In July I saw Breaking Benjamin and Five Finger Death Punch on the same show and at the end of that month I saw Seether. In August I saw Halestorm and In This Moment on the same show and in September I saw Evanescence perform a symphonic version of their music. The Pop Evil concert will always be known for the crazy chick who tried to dance with me, but if not for that moment, I wouldn’t have had one of the three pieces necessary to write Beautiful Monster. The Seether concert will always be known as the time another chick wrapped her arm around mine while they played “Fine Again”. I actually enjoy being seduced by women at concerts, I just don’t know what to do with that attention once I get it. Eight concerts of badass rock and roll to set my spirit on fire: what more could I ask for?

***FAMILY***

Family is always a given topic to be thankful for every time November comes along. People like to look their noses down on adults who live with their parents, but if my parents are fun to hang around with, then what’s the fucking problem? This counts for both sides of my family, whether it’s the Haines clan here in Port Orchard or the Temons clan in Tacoma. And of course, no family is complete without a collection of fur babies. As of today, I have one dog and five cats living with me. That’s a lot of furry friends! Of course, that number used to be much higher, but over the course of this year, two of my cats and one of my dogs has passed away, all due to old age. Maggie the Springer Spaniel dog had to be put to sleep because she was too sick to carry on. Sitka died on her own after battling lung cancer. Smokey had a heart attack and collapsed on my floor. If there’s something to be thankful for in all of this, it’s that I got to give these animal babies a relaxing and comfortable life during their final moments on earth. As far as humans go, my Uncle Brian passed away earlier this month after he fell asleep at the wheel and had a collision with a semi truck. I’m thankful that I introduced him to the music of Within Temptation during his final moments alive. Sharon Den Adel’s voice can be a comfort to him in death. I’ll have to contact her on Face Book and tell her this story one day.

***ONLINE FRIENDS***

As well as the physical Haines and Temons families, I consider my online friends to be my secondary family. I made a new friend on Deviant Art named Patrick Doran and he’s been my biggest supporter when I wrote the first drafts for Silent Warrior, Beautiful Monster, and Incelbordination. Whenever I doubted myself, he was there to bring me to life while still being honest in his critiques of my products. Speaking of critiques, I’ll forever be in Marie Krepps’s debt after she gave Beautiful Monster the ass-ripping it so desperately needed. I don’t know what I’d do without that wonderful woman. I’d probably get one and two star reviews on my books. She’s that good when it comes to critiques. I’m also thankful to her and her business partner Aurora Styles for allowing me to be part of their Still Standing anti-bullying anthology (I wrote Savage Beatings). They were even there for me when I felt like quitting because I thought I angered the other authors in the collection for my offensive content. On the contrary, they were very understanding of me and still thought of me as a valuable asset. That’s what true friendship is all about, ladies and gentlemen: believing in each other even when the chips are down. Speaking of which, hopefully I’ve been a good friend to Kelly Damon a.k.a. Rainbow Skychild, an Author Tuber who recently went through a depressing breakup with her now ex-boyfriend Sean. I would hug her for the longest time if I lived anywhere near South Africa (her home country). So many online friends, so little time!

***WING WEDNESDAYS***

Back in…I want to say September of this year, my brother James and I started going to hot wing restaurants every other Wednesday with his group of awesome friends. I was shy around them at first like I normally am with new people, but these friends made it easy to come out of my shell. Apparently, I have a high tolerance for spicy foods and eating them without flinching will earn me a lot of respect. One night I ordered a platter of Death Wish wings, which are the spiciest flavor the Tracyton Pub has. I ate four of them and I gave one to James’s friend Ian. I was just sitting there with a “meh” expression on my face while Ian was watery-eyed and snot-nosed after just one wing. When other members of the group offered me their wings, I made a “come at me” motion with my hand and chowed down without tearing up. I also laughed like a crazed hyena at their jokes, which made them want me around even more. Of course, we didn’t have Wing Wednesday this week because Thanksgiving was the next day and lord knows the restaurants would have been packed. No worries, because we’ll be back in full swing the Wednesday after this one. I’ll be patiently waiting!

***CONCLUSION***

Things may be rough in the world today, but if you take your time and look hard enough, you’ll find something to be grateful for. And when you do, carry that feeling with you not just until next Thanksgiving, but for the rest of your life. The world desperately needs a dose of happiness after all we’ve been through. I’m Garrison Kelly. Be good to each other.

***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***

When you’re a politician greeting the public, don’t forget to kiss hands and shake babies. Wait a minute, do I have those things mixed up? Nah!

Extremism, Vol. 2

***EXTREMISM, VOL. 2***

You will learn a lot of things under the teaching tree of Marie Krepps, CEO of Hollow Hills. One of those valuable lessons relates to protagonist sympathy. If you want your readers to side with your protagonist, he or she cannot, I repeat, cannot be worse than the story’s villains. This sounds like common sense to a lot of people, but it’s a lesson I’ve spent a lifetime learning. I’m the same guy who once wrote a piece of high school fiction where the lead character gets a D- in history and then confesses to his girlfriend that he now relates to the Columbine kids. Yeah, let that sink in for a minute.

Extremism of this caliber is not uncommon in this wacky world of ours. I tried to express that in a Poison Tongue Tales story called Thunder Zell, where the lead character, Jacob Tate, crashes his cheating girlfriend’s dinner date…by driving a goddamn tank through the walls of a Chinese restaurant. Now, let’s see here…cheating girlfriend…tank-driving boyfriend…cheating girlfriend…tank-driving boyfriend…which one could possibly be more life-threatening? Which one seems less reasonable out of the two? Although there are some jilted lovers out there who would enjoy the idea of driving a tank into their ex’s personal space, that’s probably not something you want to admit in real life.

Speaking of jilted lovers, here comes a wrestling example of extremism! Yay! You know, because I can’t shut up about wrestling since it’s all I think about 24/7? Back in 2009, WWE Hall of Famer Hulk Hogan was going through a rough divorce with his wife and during that time she was dating a 19-year-old friend of their daughter’s. Here’s the exact quote Hulk Hogan gave to the media: “I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ [Simpson], cutting everybody’s throat. You live a half a mile from the 24,000 square-foot home you can’t go to anymore and you see some 19-year-old kid driving through downtown Clearwater [Florida] in your Escalade, and you know that 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed with your wife. I totally understand OJ. I get it.”

Now let’s see here…cutting people…dating a 19-year-old…cutting people…dating a 19-year-old….It was obviously a trying time for Hulk Hogan and he was frustrated beyond belief. But then he starts channeling OJ Simpson and…yeah, not good. Not good at all. What other horrible people could be channeled? Let’s say you’re a dude working up the courage to ask a girl on a date. She calmly says no to you, so you go online and say, “I could have turned that whole neighborhood into a crime scene, like ER [Eliot Rodger], shooting everybody in the face.” Yes, rejection hurts, but it shouldn’t hurt badly enough that you feel like shooting people in the face. Besides the fact that women are allowed to say no to whomever they want and that’s how it should be, you’re not going to be the hero of your story if you can’t keep ER’s name out of your mouth.

But I’m just talking about bad judgment when giving media or online statements. What about actions to back those threats up? It still stands to reason that no hero should behave worse than the villains they’re fighting. To use a real world example that hits close to home for a lot of people, police brutality. The police are hailed as these superheroes who can do no wrong no matter how violent they are, yet there are some bad apples in every department who abuse their power and murder their suspects for minimal shit. Whenever a police officer commits murder or assault, he or she is almost always acquitted and praised as a hero by the public at large. While not all officers are like this, enough of them are, so many in fact that the Black Lives Matter movement became a necessity in the first place.

Obviously, some of these examples of extreme behavior are worse than others, but if you’re in the writing business like I am, take notice. As an author, it’s your job to make your protagonist as relatable and sympathetic as possible. That doesn’t mean he or she can’t be a villain at heart. It doesn’t mean that he or she can’t do questionable things every now and then. But if your protagonist is just one big bucket of gore for no rhyme or reason and your antagonist is more relatable by comparison, your readers are going to tune out and you’ve got lots of one and two-star reviews to look forward to. I learned this lesson the hard way many times in my career and hopefully the lesson will stick this time around. I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I never cared about the money, never really needed fame. You think it would have changed me, but I’ve always been the same. My label tried to sue me. TMZ tried to screw me. Blabber Mouth can fuck itself ‘cause they never fucking knew me. Everybody seems like they’re waiting for me to die. Talk shit behind my back, can’t look me in the eye. They say I’m overrated, that I should have already faded. Don’t give a shit about it all because I love to be so hated. I barely get to eat and when I finally get to sleep, I get dragged out of bed for another meet-and-greet. I shake the hand of every fan and put on a happy face. I’m spread so fucking thin that I’m all over the place. I hate riding on the bus. I hate flying in the plane. Sedating myself just to kill the pain. I have no life, gave up on hope. The whole thing’s turned into one big joke. I mean no disrespect, but I ain’t picking up the check. Taking selfies on your phone while you’re breathing down my neck. It’s getting pretty fucking old and I’m almost nearly done. I’m glad that you were happier when I was number one. All in all it’s a good life. I got what I want. I can’t complain. I’m living the good life. A toast to you now. It’s all sham pain.”

-Five Finger Death Punch singing “Sham Pain”-

Halestorm X In This Moment Concert

***HALESTORM X IN THIS MOMENT CONCERT***

It’s true, folks: I’ve been going to a lot of concerts this year alone. In chronological order, I’ve seen Pop Evil, Starset, Papa Roach, Soulfly, Breaking Benjamin, and Seether as headliners. This coming Friday, I’m going to see Halestorm and In This Moment as co-headliners in Seattle with New Years Day as their opener. It’ll be my first time seeing all three of these bands, so I’m happy for the new experience. I’ve been a fan of In This Moment since 2013 when their lead singer Maria Brink did a duet with Five Finger Death Punch (the song was called “Anywhere But Here”). I’ve been a fan of Halestorm ever since their lead singer Lzzy Hale did a duet with Device called “Close My Eyes Forever”. My CD collection of both bands is complete and I’m ready to see them on Friday. I’ve never heard New Years Day’s music before, so I hope they’re good!

If you’re wondering why I’m going to so many concerts lately, it’s because these shows are opportunities to get out of the house and engage the public. Even hardcore introverts need to socialize every now and then, though I don’t actively seek people in the audience to talk to. I don’t have a car of my own and the only places within walking distance worth going to are Fred Meyer, Quizno’s, Hi-Way Market, and Charlie’s Café. Not only are cars expensive to maintain and buy, but I don’t trust myself behind the wheel because I’m always thinking about having a schizophrenic attack in the middle of traffic. Schizophrenia thrives on stress and there’s nothing more stressful than being stuck in traffic. We don’t need a collision and we don’t need dead bodies. Other people in my family are more than happy to drive me to my respective venues, this Friday’s show being at the WaMu Theater near Century Link Field.

I’m Garrison Kelly and here’s hoping for a fun evening! Even when you feel like…no, wait, Three Days Grace isn’t going to be there. Oh well!

***SAVAGE BEATINGS***

Though I’m not technically allowed to publish Savage Beatings on my social media accounts, I will say that I’ve rewritten the first part out of five to accommodate for Marie Krepps’ suggested changes to Beautiful Monster. This time around, Windham’s emotions will be consistent, he won’t act like an emo teenager, and the world building in this fantasy setting will be as clear as day. I know Patrick in particular loved reading about psychotic Windham bloodying his foes, but in the interest of having a more realistic product, I can’t have Windham’s emotions bounce all over the place like a character from The Room. I also can’t have him eat psychedelic mushrooms and have him transform into Broken Matt Hardy meets Pink Floyd the Wall. My ears are open for the lovely Marie Krepps, because she knows best. Wish me luck!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“She’s only sixteen. She had the dreams of a girl. She thought she’d be in love. She’d thought she’d have the white picket fence. Now she stands on the corner. She sold herself to the streets. When the world gave up on her, she gave up on herself. She said, “Can anybody hear me?” She said, “Does anybody care?” The monster pulls up slowly. He asks her how much she is.”

-In This Moment singing “Out of Hell”-

Five Finger Death Punch X Breaking Benjamin Concert

***FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH X BREAKING BENJAMIN CONCERT***

These past few days have been so mentally exhausting that all I could do creatively was the easiest fucking thing in the world for me: write songs. I can only imagine how I’ll feel the morning after my upcoming concert Monday night. I’m headed back to the White River Amphitheater to see a show co-headlined by Five Finger Death Punch and Breaking Benjamin with Bad Wolves as the opening act. It’ll be my second time seeing FFDP, third time seeing BB, and first time seeing BW. That’s a lot of heavy goddamn metal.

I’ve been a fan of Five Finger Death Punch since 2012 when I first heard the song “The Bleeding” on Pandora Radio. At first I was tentative to buy any of their CD’s because of the bad reputation they have. And then I remembered that negativity is subjective and public opinion doesn’t mean everything. I purchased their “Way of the Fist” album and loved the shit out of the title track as well as songs like “Ashes”, “Death Before Dishonor”, and “A Place to Die”. From that first album, I was hooked and had to have their entire catalogue. In November 2016, I saw my first Five Finger Death Punch concert and I was blown the fuck away. I love how Ivan Moody (the lead singer) always invites small children onstage with him during one of the more intense songs. With bands like Death Punch, the future looks bright for the next generation of heavy metal!

I was first introduced to Breaking Benjamin when they opened for Korn in, I want to say, either 2003 or 2004. It wasn’t until a few years later that I discovered their “We Are Not Alone” album and was hooked on tracks like “So Cold”, “Breakdown”, and the beautifully peaceful “Rain”. Just like with Death Punch, I had to have Breaking Benjamin’s entire catalogue. I didn’t see them in concert again until 2016 when they opened for Disturbed at the Pain in the Grass festival. Now here we are two years later and they’re opening for another badass band.

Bad Wolves didn’t come out with their first album until earlier this year. Because they’re going to open for this show, I had to purchase the music in order to get better acquainted with it. Let’s just say it was a wise use of my debit card. My favorite song on that CD so far is “Officer Down”, a fast-paced, brutal track that sets the tone for the entire album. However, I’ll always remember them for their cover of “Zombie” by The Cranberries, which was supposed to be recorded with Dolores O’Riordan’s vocals before she died earlier this year. Now she’s smiling from heaven at the excellent work Bad Wolves did with her song.

I still have a few days before this concert at the White River Amphitheater begins, so I’m going to try and get as much creative work done as I can during the time I have left. That includes editing the shit out of Beautiful Monster and getting it ready to be critiqued at Hollow Hills independent publishing (Marie Krepps’s new business). I should have finished this a long time ago, but other creative projects and psychological exhaustion kept getting in the way (so what else is new?). I’ll get it done one of these fucking days. Just six more chapters to edit. Six more chapters!

I’ll be rocking out for each and every one of you! I’m Garrison fucking Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain! Wait a minute, Three Days Grace lyrics in a blog entry about Five Finger Death Punch, Breaking Benjamin, and Bad Wolves? How did that happen?!

***WORD PLAY OF THE DAY***

On WWE’s NXT show, there’s a tag team consisting of Nick Miller and Shane Thorn that used to be called The Mighty Don’t Kneel. What if those two gentlemen formed a three-man group with fellow NXT wrestler Bobby Fish? They’d be called The Mighty Don’t Kneel and Bob. So much for WWE’s PG rating. Hehe!

Resting Bitch Face

***RESTING BITCH FACE***

I don’t take selfies very often unless it’s for Independent Author Day or Halloween (because I’m wearing a mask). I don’t own a smart phone, so I wouldn’t be able to take selfies anyways unless it was with my digital camera and someone else was the photographer. I don’t enjoy the way I look on camera (unless the photographer had some Photoshop magic to make me look like a sexy beast). But the biggest reason I don’t take selfies is because I don’t like to smile for fake reasons. As someone with Resting Bitch Face, smiling isn’t natural for me, so I don’t like being told to do it even for pictures.

Yes, Resting Bitch Face is a real thing for both men and women. It’s when your neutral expression makes you look annoyed, pissed off, or sad even though you’re not any of those things at the moment. If you have RBF, you’ve probably gotten tons of questions like “Are you okay?” and “What’s wrong?” in your lifetime. When I was dating Brianna, she would always ask if I was okay and I’d always answer yes. Whenever I went to a concert at the White River Amphitheater, the security personnel would also ask if I was okay and I’d give them the same answer.

And speaking of concerts, I saw Five Finger Death Punch in Tacoma back in November of last year and the couple sitting in front of me took a selfie with me looking angry in the background. We had a good laugh over it. But yes, it’s true: even when my heavy metal idols Five Finger Death Punch are the entertainment for the evening, I look like I want to strangle someone even though I’m feeling peaceful, if not excited for the music.

I Googled Resting Bitch Face and some search results said that it’s the reason people remain single or don’t get hired. So this is it, huh? I have to pretend to be something I’m not in order to gain an advantage in this world. Sounds familiar. Asking an RBF patient to smile relentlessly is like asking a skinny kid to be interested in football so that the big beefy jocks will like him. Yes, it seems like such an easy thing to just smile all the time. People say the same thing about introverts speaking up in class discussions or making a million friends. Just because it seems easy to an outsider, doesn’t mean it is for the person living the experience.

When it comes to my RBF, I don’t try to change it for other people. I own it. I make it a part of my unique personality. Do I have a million friends? No. Do I make millions of dollars in some job I wouldn’t want anyways? No. As a matter of fact, people in public tend to gravitate away from me, which is alright with me, because I don’t have to engage in small talk with people I don’t give a shit about.

Truth is, there’s no real reason why people make angry expressions when they feel neutral. It’s just the way it is. There’s no reason why people have big noses or pointy ears. It just happens. If you want to get a good feel for what a person is like beyond their rough exterior, show interest instead of just talking for the sake of talking. Maybe the guy with RBF is a poet and you don’t know it. Maybe the chick with RBF is an anime-loving nerd with more creative fuel than she knows what to do with. We’re not trying to push you away (unless you’re just there to chit-chat instead of showing genuine interest).

There are lots of articles and videos out there about RBF. I’m not a scientist who studies this phenomenon; I’m just an opinionated person who’s living through it. If you be nice to me, I’ll be nice to you. If you give me a reason to smile, I’ll give you what you’ve truly earned. Smiles have to be earned in this world; they’re not automatic. Some people deserve smiles, others don’t. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***DEMON AXE, CHAPTER 20***

There are only two chapters remaining of this ongoing novel and the twentieth one will feature the final battle between Daniel Mercer and Roger Zee. Is it as simple as yelling obscenities into a magical microphone? Not when you have broken ribs and every scream hurts like a bitch. Perhaps someone else can do the dirty work, someone like Raven or Shawn. Nah, those guys are busy enough already trying to fend off King Arthur Triscloud, who has a crown of thorns around his head. If you were expecting an easy victory just because someone has a magical microphone, you’re sadly mistaken. If Daniel and his crew want to win this war, they have to earn it, just like strangers have to earn my smile.

Speaking of people with RBF…

***WRESTLING JOKE OF THE DAY***

If Samoa Joe and Kevin Owens ever become an official tag team, what will their group name be? Jowens? Samowens? Sevin? Hmm…

Five Finger Death Punch X Shinedown Concert

***BEFORE I BEGIN***

Halloween has come and gone, so I’d like to speak a little bit about mine. As many of you know, it’s one of my favorite holidays of the year due to the dark fantasy creative fuel that comes from it. Ghosts, goblins, mummies, warlocks, necromancers, Halloween has the whole nine yards. I could write short stories and novels for days with this kind of inspiration, as dark fantasy is one of my favorite genres of books, movies, and videogames. Because I love scary themes so much, I dressed in a Slipknot mask (Mick Thomson’s take on Hannibal Lector), red Hawaiian shirt, blue pajama pants, and green cloak. Reina referred to my costume as a “random creepy guy” and I couldn’t really disagree with her. I collected a few frightened reactions on Halloween as well as a shit load of candy from Reina and I venturing to different neighborhoods in Port Orchard. It was a fun night, but make no mistake about it, at my weight and my age, it was an endurance test. I begged my mom to take me to the chiropractor after Halloween and that’s what we’re going to do sometime this week. I’m not as energetic as I used to be, which is why whenever I go to concerts, I now pick seated tickets instead of general admission floor tickets, which makes a nice segue for the main topic of this journal.

***FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH X SHINEDOWN CONCERT***

This coming Saturday November 5^th, Five Finger Death Punch is going to headline a show at the Tacoma Dome with Shinedown, Sixx AM, and As Lions opening for them. I’ve been a Five Finger Death Punch fan since 2012 and continue to rock out to their badass speed metal and melodic tunes. I only started listening to Shinedown on a regular basis when WWE Raw used their song “Enemies” for the opening theme music. I’ve only heard one Sixx AM song my whole life and that was “Rise” (damn good song if I say so myself). I’m not familiar with As Lions, but I hear the singer is the son of a heavy metal legend. Four badass heavy metal bands, one night of awesomeness. I may be doing some writing or other art work that day, I may not, depending on my energy level during that general timeframe. I jokingly refer to music concerts as one-day vacations, which means despite my temporary absence from the internet, I’ll always be back for creative work. In the words of Ivan Moody, “Let’s burn this motherfucker to the ground!”

***DEMON AXE, CHAPTER SIX***

Detective Shawn Henry is having a busy night at the crime lab doing some bureaucratic bullshit for what should be an easy case. Naturally, he’s exhausted and bored out of his mind. He can’t wait to get home to his family. Roger Zee, who waits in the shadows for Detective Henry to be by himself in the crime lab, holds him hostage at blade-point and even reveals that Shawn’s family is also being held hostage in a mysterious location. Roger will let the Henry clan live in exchange for unlimited access to police resources, whether it’s computer databases, cop cooperation, or those lovely pieces of military equipment they love to flaunt so much. Will Shawn crack under the pressure and give into Roger’s demands or will things get bloody in a hurry?

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

As long as I’m opening this journal with a brief discussion of Halloween, I might as well bring up the biggest piece of dark fantasy news of all, the next entry in the Dark Fantasy Warriors collection. World, meet Bradshaw, a badass Kord-worshipping cleric whose biggest claim to fame is texting during a battle with a bloodthirsty dragon. He let his party down in a big way, but he still looked like a champ doing it. Bradshaw was a D&D character in the short story “Emoticon Artist”, being controlled by a sorrowful millennial named Beth Bradshaw. In fact, all of those D&D characters were named after the players’ surnames. That is what a creative genius I am. Cue the eye rolls.

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Right between your eyes! Nowhere to hide! Click-clack, reload! Click-clack, unload! Life ain’t on your side! You’re out of time! Click-clack, reload! Click-clack, unload!”

-Five Finger Death Punch singing “No Sudden Movement”-