Autumn Energy

VERSE 1

Caffeine for Halloween! Trick or fucking treat

Taurine and Baby Ruth taste so fucking sweet

Stay up all night giving everyone a big scare

Too many screams and tears? I don’t even care

Put on my mask and fill your pants full of crap

Urine and semen soaking up your entire lap

Blood-soaked neighborhood, I feel so good

Broke the zipper on my jumpsuit with oak wood

VERSE 2

Living for Thanksgiving! My sanity is slipping

Roasted turkey is for chewing and ripping

Face full of brown gravy and mashed potatoes

Wear it like a mask, I’m so fucking unstable

I’ll sleep when I’m dead from a heart attack

And my intestines slide out of my ass crack

What a way to go until the next November

My psychotic smile is all you’ll remember

VERSE 3

Sickness for Christmas! Don’t be so listless

I’ve got a naughty list for all of you bitches

Wrap up everything in sparkling paper

From the severed head to the culprit saber

October and December are one in the same

Covered in blood, sweat, and dirty shame

Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight

We’re gathered here today to get it right

BRIDGE

New Years Day is on its merry way

Broken resolutions are the price you pay

Valentine’s gives you a reason to whine

About the lost love and lack of sunshine

St. Patrick’s is just a reason to get drunk

Vomit on yourself like the spray of a skunk

Fourth of July is nothing but a damn lie

Annoying fireworks blasting in the sky

VERSE 4

Why wait until the fall to enjoy it all?

If anyone wants to argue, let them brawl

Take them out with a chainsaw slash

Leave them on the curb with the trash

Or you can carve them like a turkey

Chew them up until your chest’s hurting

Wrap them like a gift for the undertaker

See you next autumn, you dip shit haters!

Happy Thanksgiving 2018

***HAPPY THANKSGIVING 2018***

With all of the political splooge going on in the world today, it’s easy to forget the positives in life. There were times when I forgot as well and took everything I had for granted. It took me a long time to get my positive energies realigned this year, but better late than never. In spite of everything, I have lots to be grateful for in 2018 alone. Isn’t that what Thanksgiving is supposed to be about? You know, aside from the good food, good company, and lots of leftovers? After a few days of Turkey comas, I finally have the energy to write a blog and that in and of itself is something for me to be grateful for. So here they are: things I’m thankful for in 2018.

***ROCK CONCERTS***

Music is more than just a collection of noise. It’s therapy. It’s medicine for the soul. Every concert I go to is a pilgrimage into the holy lands. I’ve been to eight different rock concerts this year and they were all tons of fun. In February I saw Pop Evil and three nights later I saw Starset at the same venue. In May I saw Papa Roach and on Mother’s Day I saw Soulfly at the now defunct Studio 7 in Seattle. In July I saw Breaking Benjamin and Five Finger Death Punch on the same show and at the end of that month I saw Seether. In August I saw Halestorm and In This Moment on the same show and in September I saw Evanescence perform a symphonic version of their music. The Pop Evil concert will always be known for the crazy chick who tried to dance with me, but if not for that moment, I wouldn’t have had one of the three pieces necessary to write Beautiful Monster. The Seether concert will always be known as the time another chick wrapped her arm around mine while they played “Fine Again”. I actually enjoy being seduced by women at concerts, I just don’t know what to do with that attention once I get it. Eight concerts of badass rock and roll to set my spirit on fire: what more could I ask for?

***FAMILY***

Family is always a given topic to be thankful for every time November comes along. People like to look their noses down on adults who live with their parents, but if my parents are fun to hang around with, then what’s the fucking problem? This counts for both sides of my family, whether it’s the Haines clan here in Port Orchard or the Temons clan in Tacoma. And of course, no family is complete without a collection of fur babies. As of today, I have one dog and five cats living with me. That’s a lot of furry friends! Of course, that number used to be much higher, but over the course of this year, two of my cats and one of my dogs has passed away, all due to old age. Maggie the Springer Spaniel dog had to be put to sleep because she was too sick to carry on. Sitka died on her own after battling lung cancer. Smokey had a heart attack and collapsed on my floor. If there’s something to be thankful for in all of this, it’s that I got to give these animal babies a relaxing and comfortable life during their final moments on earth. As far as humans go, my Uncle Brian passed away earlier this month after he fell asleep at the wheel and had a collision with a semi truck. I’m thankful that I introduced him to the music of Within Temptation during his final moments alive. Sharon Den Adel’s voice can be a comfort to him in death. I’ll have to contact her on Face Book and tell her this story one day.

***ONLINE FRIENDS***

As well as the physical Haines and Temons families, I consider my online friends to be my secondary family. I made a new friend on Deviant Art named Patrick Doran and he’s been my biggest supporter when I wrote the first drafts for Silent Warrior, Beautiful Monster, and Incelbordination. Whenever I doubted myself, he was there to bring me to life while still being honest in his critiques of my products. Speaking of critiques, I’ll forever be in Marie Krepps’s debt after she gave Beautiful Monster the ass-ripping it so desperately needed. I don’t know what I’d do without that wonderful woman. I’d probably get one and two star reviews on my books. She’s that good when it comes to critiques. I’m also thankful to her and her business partner Aurora Styles for allowing me to be part of their Still Standing anti-bullying anthology (I wrote Savage Beatings). They were even there for me when I felt like quitting because I thought I angered the other authors in the collection for my offensive content. On the contrary, they were very understanding of me and still thought of me as a valuable asset. That’s what true friendship is all about, ladies and gentlemen: believing in each other even when the chips are down. Speaking of which, hopefully I’ve been a good friend to Kelly Damon a.k.a. Rainbow Skychild, an Author Tuber who recently went through a depressing breakup with her now ex-boyfriend Sean. I would hug her for the longest time if I lived anywhere near South Africa (her home country). So many online friends, so little time!

***WING WEDNESDAYS***

Back in…I want to say September of this year, my brother James and I started going to hot wing restaurants every other Wednesday with his group of awesome friends. I was shy around them at first like I normally am with new people, but these friends made it easy to come out of my shell. Apparently, I have a high tolerance for spicy foods and eating them without flinching will earn me a lot of respect. One night I ordered a platter of Death Wish wings, which are the spiciest flavor the Tracyton Pub has. I ate four of them and I gave one to James’s friend Ian. I was just sitting there with a “meh” expression on my face while Ian was watery-eyed and snot-nosed after just one wing. When other members of the group offered me their wings, I made a “come at me” motion with my hand and chowed down without tearing up. I also laughed like a crazed hyena at their jokes, which made them want me around even more. Of course, we didn’t have Wing Wednesday this week because Thanksgiving was the next day and lord knows the restaurants would have been packed. No worries, because we’ll be back in full swing the Wednesday after this one. I’ll be patiently waiting!

***CONCLUSION***

Things may be rough in the world today, but if you take your time and look hard enough, you’ll find something to be grateful for. And when you do, carry that feeling with you not just until next Thanksgiving, but for the rest of your life. The world desperately needs a dose of happiness after all we’ve been through. I’m Garrison Kelly. Be good to each other.

***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***

When you’re a politician greeting the public, don’t forget to kiss hands and shake babies. Wait a minute, do I have those things mixed up? Nah!

Resting Bitch Face

***RESTING BITCH FACE***

I don’t take selfies very often unless it’s for Independent Author Day or Halloween (because I’m wearing a mask). I don’t own a smart phone, so I wouldn’t be able to take selfies anyways unless it was with my digital camera and someone else was the photographer. I don’t enjoy the way I look on camera (unless the photographer had some Photoshop magic to make me look like a sexy beast). But the biggest reason I don’t take selfies is because I don’t like to smile for fake reasons. As someone with Resting Bitch Face, smiling isn’t natural for me, so I don’t like being told to do it even for pictures.

Yes, Resting Bitch Face is a real thing for both men and women. It’s when your neutral expression makes you look annoyed, pissed off, or sad even though you’re not any of those things at the moment. If you have RBF, you’ve probably gotten tons of questions like “Are you okay?” and “What’s wrong?” in your lifetime. When I was dating Brianna, she would always ask if I was okay and I’d always answer yes. Whenever I went to a concert at the White River Amphitheater, the security personnel would also ask if I was okay and I’d give them the same answer.

And speaking of concerts, I saw Five Finger Death Punch in Tacoma back in November of last year and the couple sitting in front of me took a selfie with me looking angry in the background. We had a good laugh over it. But yes, it’s true: even when my heavy metal idols Five Finger Death Punch are the entertainment for the evening, I look like I want to strangle someone even though I’m feeling peaceful, if not excited for the music.

I Googled Resting Bitch Face and some search results said that it’s the reason people remain single or don’t get hired. So this is it, huh? I have to pretend to be something I’m not in order to gain an advantage in this world. Sounds familiar. Asking an RBF patient to smile relentlessly is like asking a skinny kid to be interested in football so that the big beefy jocks will like him. Yes, it seems like such an easy thing to just smile all the time. People say the same thing about introverts speaking up in class discussions or making a million friends. Just because it seems easy to an outsider, doesn’t mean it is for the person living the experience.

When it comes to my RBF, I don’t try to change it for other people. I own it. I make it a part of my unique personality. Do I have a million friends? No. Do I make millions of dollars in some job I wouldn’t want anyways? No. As a matter of fact, people in public tend to gravitate away from me, which is alright with me, because I don’t have to engage in small talk with people I don’t give a shit about.

Truth is, there’s no real reason why people make angry expressions when they feel neutral. It’s just the way it is. There’s no reason why people have big noses or pointy ears. It just happens. If you want to get a good feel for what a person is like beyond their rough exterior, show interest instead of just talking for the sake of talking. Maybe the guy with RBF is a poet and you don’t know it. Maybe the chick with RBF is an anime-loving nerd with more creative fuel than she knows what to do with. We’re not trying to push you away (unless you’re just there to chit-chat instead of showing genuine interest).

There are lots of articles and videos out there about RBF. I’m not a scientist who studies this phenomenon; I’m just an opinionated person who’s living through it. If you be nice to me, I’ll be nice to you. If you give me a reason to smile, I’ll give you what you’ve truly earned. Smiles have to be earned in this world; they’re not automatic. Some people deserve smiles, others don’t. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***DEMON AXE, CHAPTER 20***

There are only two chapters remaining of this ongoing novel and the twentieth one will feature the final battle between Daniel Mercer and Roger Zee. Is it as simple as yelling obscenities into a magical microphone? Not when you have broken ribs and every scream hurts like a bitch. Perhaps someone else can do the dirty work, someone like Raven or Shawn. Nah, those guys are busy enough already trying to fend off King Arthur Triscloud, who has a crown of thorns around his head. If you were expecting an easy victory just because someone has a magical microphone, you’re sadly mistaken. If Daniel and his crew want to win this war, they have to earn it, just like strangers have to earn my smile.

Speaking of people with RBF…

***WRESTLING JOKE OF THE DAY***

If Samoa Joe and Kevin Owens ever become an official tag team, what will their group name be? Jowens? Samowens? Sevin? Hmm…

November

***NOVEMBER***

I’ve spoken on the topic of National Novel Writing Month before, but I did so in a negative light. All this time I was convinced that my mental exhaustion would keep me from pumping out 50,000 words of a singular story within the month of November. Year after year I’ve opted to stay out of this particular challenge. But after having a heart-to-heart with my best friends Marie Krepps and Zero Urrea, I have a slightly different idea of what November is supposed to mean.

Marie disputed the idea of plotters having a disadvantage in this particular challenge. While it is true that I’ve got several ideas for a novel in my writing folder, none of them are planned out from beginning to end, chapter by chapter, scene by scene. Marie suggested that I participate in next year’s contest since a year is ample time to come up with a decent plot, especially something that’s supposed to be 50,000 words long. Of course, I could write the novel right away at that point, but doing it in November is an exercise in discipline and self-motivation since it requires daily attention to the task at hand.

Zero furthered the point of November being an excuse to write every single day. What he said after that put everything into perspective for this particular year. What I’m working on doesn’t necessarily have to be a novel. As long as I write something of substance every day, then the self-motivation is working. Therefore, for November 2015, my main writing project will be finishing my 50 story quota for Poison Tongue Tales. I have 41 stories already written, so I have nine more to go. Obviously, the other 41 stories were written before the challenge started, so I may be cheating a little bit. Other pieces of writing include reviews for books and of course, this journal entry.

You all know about my plans to write “Born to Die”, which is about the martial arts monk who challenges a bar full of mercenaries to a battle royal. My review for January First is live on all of my social media accounts as well as Amazon. The next thing I plan on doing is blitzing through Marie Krepps’ e-book “Love Me Today, Kill Me Tomorrow” and writing an honest review for it. I have only 180 more pages to read and it’ll be over. Right now, the book is looking at a grade between Extra Credit (five stars) and Pass (four stars). The sex scenes are hotter than hell. The vampire logic is well-done too. The thing that will ultimately determine the final grade, however, will be the attention to the topic of mental illness. January First paid great attention to schizophrenia to where it deeply affected me, therefore earning it five stars. We’ll see how Marie’s book plays out.

My attitude toward the month of November has changed significantly since having conversations with Marie and Zero. Plus, seeing my other author friends taking up the novel writing challenge is motivating for me as well. I may not be following every rule of the challenge to a tee, but it’s better than sitting on my ass and letting sleep apnea consume my brain. Let’s get some shit done!

　

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Now that October is over and therefore so is Villains Month, it’s time to start drawing some heroes from my short stories and novels as well. My next drawing will be of Brock Dempsey, the angry monk from the story that used to be called “Saggy-Maggie” and is now called “Maggie’s Wisdom”. An angry monk? Someone trying to reach ultimate nirvana is also a hotheaded dynamite shack? Luckily for Brock, he has a cute little puppy-duppy named Maggie to get him through it all. Before you ask, yes, Maggie is based 100% on my black and white Springer Spaniel with saggy jowls.

　

***HALLOWEEN***

Instead of going to New Orleans, I went around downtown Port Orchard and around my neighborhood with Reina. She was dressed as the female version of Finn from Adventure Time and I was dressed as a member of Slipknot. We both got a lot of candy like we set out to do. But the most rewarding part of that night for me was scaring the shit out of everyone around me. Little kids were crying and screaming in fear at my costume, but also because I slipped onto the rainy ground twice in the same night and unleashed a cataclysm of swear words in the process. As it turns out, my Slipknot mask has piss-poor eyesight, so that will be the last time I wear it for anything other than a photo opportunity. Next year for Halloween, I’m getting a mask without lenses, preferably of the Guy Fawkes or white sheep variety. All in all, it was a good night and I’m glad I got to spend it with my niece.

　

***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

RANDAL: Jesus Christ, Elias! Step away from the deep fryer before you burn us all alive!

ELIAS: It’s not my fault you abandoned your post!

RANDAL: Was it too much to ask that you make the fries?! The machine does all the work! What, does a machine have to turn into a giant fucking robot before you take it seriously?! Go home!

-Clerks II-