Steroid Smoothie

VERSE 1

Bench a thousand pounds like it’s nothing

Scream like you’re on the edge of coming

Squat a million pounds like a so-called beast

Fifty reps, maybe a hundred at the least

When Joe Six-Pack breaks his damn back

You blame everything on people who’re fat

Then you inject your juice by the liter

Strut around in a too tight wife-beater

CHORUS 1

Steroid smoothie!

It’s the key to your success

Steroid smoothie!

Puff your bitch tits chest

VERSE 2

Muscles so big you can’t fit through the door

Isn’t this what you pick on fat people for?

You’re a douchey white guy who tries too hard

One of these days, your ass can go back to lard

A lethal injection of your favorite PED’s

You think you’re more explosive than TNT

If you’re talking about your liver and heart

Congratulations, you’ve got yourself a head start

CHORUS 2

Steroid smoothie!

Gargantuan muscles, Tic-Tac balls

Steroid smoothie!

Two-inch penis, heart attack trust fall

VERSE 3

Looking good on your Instagram page

You should nickname yourself Roy Rage

You’re an inspiration to only yourself

Who cares if you put your body through hell?

I’d rather eat a steak than make the mistake

Of injecting juice and watching my limbs break

You’re not a fitness guru, you’re a piece of shit

Sit on a Shake Weight and then go for a spin

CHORUS 3

Steroid smoothie!

You’re faker than the president’s hair

Steroid smoothie!

Look into your empty soul if you dare

Steroid smoothie!

Your career is based on shallow lies

Steroid smoothie!

Excuse me while I wolf on these fries

"This Is Me" by C.E. Wilson

BOOK TITLE: This Is Me

AUTHOR: C.E. Wilson

YEAR: 2016

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Sci-Fi Romance

GRADE: Mixed

With all of the technological advances in this world, the Asist robot is second to none when it comes to companionship and servitude. Private school substitute teacher Chloe received one named Rogan for her graduation present. The two are inseparable best friends and sometimes lovers, which angers many of Chloe’s friends to the point of bigotry against these robots. Chloe’s human boyfriend Niven is especially enraged and makes any attempt he can to drive a wedge between her and the “fake” Rogan. Sooner or later, Chloe will have to make a decision between her perfect robot and the “real” Niven.

The major themes in this book are humankind’s relationship with technology and ignorant bigotry against anything they don’t understand. These themes are so perfectly interwoven that the novel could spark a debate in today’s real world, especially with such a divided racial structure as we have now. Asists are considered second class citizens because of their technological makeup, but others, like Chloe, argue that they have feelings too. Over a hundred years ago, white slave owners saw black people as less than dirt while abolitionists argued that the slaves were just as real as any other human being. There are also themes of ageism when it comes to young people being so obsessed with technology that they’ll limit human contact on purpose. There are all sorts of civil rights issues being dealt with in this novel. Maybe Chloe should have double majored in music AND political science.

But never forget that this is a romance novel above all else. In the case of Chloe, one of her main love interests is Niven Adams, a rival substitute teacher who wants the same job she’s applying for. If Ms. Wilson wanted to create a hate-worthy villain, she did an A+ job of it with Niven. He’s bigoted against Asists, he’s arrogant, he’s obnoxious, his friends are even more annoying, but his only redeeming quality seems to be that he’s a good singer. Ted Nugent is probably a good singer too, but that doesn’t mean I want to hang around him 24/7, especially after Mr. Nugent told Barack Obama to “suck on [his] machinegun”. With all of these things working against Niven, it makes me wonder why Chloe would ever be attracted to him in the first place. I cringe every time she pushes Rogan away in favor of Niven. Rogan may be a robot, but at least he’s sweeter than a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, which is more than I’ll ever say about Niven. This is comparable to the movie Clerks where Dante chooses the smoking hot cheater Caitlin over the loyal and low-maintenance Veronica.

The final thing I want to touch on is the argument structure between these characters. It seems to me that every time two characters want to go back and forth with each other, they’re hesitant to get to the point and they kill time with negative answers. Rogan is especially guilty of doing this when he argues with Chloe. He’s overly apologetic and always at war with himself, which I guess is appropriate for a robot whose sole purpose is to make Chloe happy, but after a while, it wears on the reader. While Rogan is the worst offender when it comes to filler dialogue, he’s hardly the only one who does this. Niven, Monica, and Fitz also tiptoe around their respective subjects.

The senseless arguments and Niven’s disgusting behavior both make me want to give this book a mixed grade. But C.E. Wilson shouldn’t feel too badly about it, because for every fault, there is a redeeming quality that will convince you to buy this book. The romance is hot, Chloe is likeable, the interactions between Fitz and his mini-Asist Bree are cute and cuddly, and of course, my favorite part of the book has to be the civics debate going on as it relates to racism and technophobia. Ms. Wilson has every right in the world to be proud of her work. If she spends more time crafting her dialogue and sorting out her characters’ priorities, then she can do great things in her next few novels. A mixed grade is nothing to sneeze at.

Resting Bitch Face

***RESTING BITCH FACE***

I don’t take selfies very often unless it’s for Independent Author Day or Halloween (because I’m wearing a mask). I don’t own a smart phone, so I wouldn’t be able to take selfies anyways unless it was with my digital camera and someone else was the photographer. I don’t enjoy the way I look on camera (unless the photographer had some Photoshop magic to make me look like a sexy beast). But the biggest reason I don’t take selfies is because I don’t like to smile for fake reasons. As someone with Resting Bitch Face, smiling isn’t natural for me, so I don’t like being told to do it even for pictures.

Yes, Resting Bitch Face is a real thing for both men and women. It’s when your neutral expression makes you look annoyed, pissed off, or sad even though you’re not any of those things at the moment. If you have RBF, you’ve probably gotten tons of questions like “Are you okay?” and “What’s wrong?” in your lifetime. When I was dating Brianna, she would always ask if I was okay and I’d always answer yes. Whenever I went to a concert at the White River Amphitheater, the security personnel would also ask if I was okay and I’d give them the same answer.

And speaking of concerts, I saw Five Finger Death Punch in Tacoma back in November of last year and the couple sitting in front of me took a selfie with me looking angry in the background. We had a good laugh over it. But yes, it’s true: even when my heavy metal idols Five Finger Death Punch are the entertainment for the evening, I look like I want to strangle someone even though I’m feeling peaceful, if not excited for the music.

I Googled Resting Bitch Face and some search results said that it’s the reason people remain single or don’t get hired. So this is it, huh? I have to pretend to be something I’m not in order to gain an advantage in this world. Sounds familiar. Asking an RBF patient to smile relentlessly is like asking a skinny kid to be interested in football so that the big beefy jocks will like him. Yes, it seems like such an easy thing to just smile all the time. People say the same thing about introverts speaking up in class discussions or making a million friends. Just because it seems easy to an outsider, doesn’t mean it is for the person living the experience.

When it comes to my RBF, I don’t try to change it for other people. I own it. I make it a part of my unique personality. Do I have a million friends? No. Do I make millions of dollars in some job I wouldn’t want anyways? No. As a matter of fact, people in public tend to gravitate away from me, which is alright with me, because I don’t have to engage in small talk with people I don’t give a shit about.

Truth is, there’s no real reason why people make angry expressions when they feel neutral. It’s just the way it is. There’s no reason why people have big noses or pointy ears. It just happens. If you want to get a good feel for what a person is like beyond their rough exterior, show interest instead of just talking for the sake of talking. Maybe the guy with RBF is a poet and you don’t know it. Maybe the chick with RBF is an anime-loving nerd with more creative fuel than she knows what to do with. We’re not trying to push you away (unless you’re just there to chit-chat instead of showing genuine interest).

There are lots of articles and videos out there about RBF. I’m not a scientist who studies this phenomenon; I’m just an opinionated person who’s living through it. If you be nice to me, I’ll be nice to you. If you give me a reason to smile, I’ll give you what you’ve truly earned. Smiles have to be earned in this world; they’re not automatic. Some people deserve smiles, others don’t. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***DEMON AXE, CHAPTER 20***

There are only two chapters remaining of this ongoing novel and the twentieth one will feature the final battle between Daniel Mercer and Roger Zee. Is it as simple as yelling obscenities into a magical microphone? Not when you have broken ribs and every scream hurts like a bitch. Perhaps someone else can do the dirty work, someone like Raven or Shawn. Nah, those guys are busy enough already trying to fend off King Arthur Triscloud, who has a crown of thorns around his head. If you were expecting an easy victory just because someone has a magical microphone, you’re sadly mistaken. If Daniel and his crew want to win this war, they have to earn it, just like strangers have to earn my smile.

Speaking of people with RBF…

***WRESTLING JOKE OF THE DAY***

If Samoa Joe and Kevin Owens ever become an official tag team, what will their group name be? Jowens? Samowens? Sevin? Hmm…

Barbie and Ken

When I was a kid growing up in Chehalis, Washington, commercials would constantly come up on TV for Barbie products and my mom would jokingly suggest that she should buy them for me. You know what my answer was? “Nooooooooo!!” Now that I’m an adult, it seems as though I’m not the only one who thinks this way. Somewhere along the leaden path, being called a Barbie or Ken doll became an insult. It’s constantly used as a slur against WWE Divas and any other female wrestler who happens to be skinny and pretty. Ed Schultz loves to refer to Sarah Palin as “Caribou Barbie” whenever she comes up in conversation. On the flip side, Erick Erickson once called Wendy Davis “Abortion Barbie”. So basically, this insult can work with anybody as long as they have something to attach the slur to, such as a profession, a hobby, or a belief. I don’t want you guys to think I’m actually using these insults on people, but somewhere along the way, some nut job out there could refer to Danica Patrick as “NASCAR Barbie”. Somebody could also put it out there that Bill O’Reilly is “Conservative Ken”. And yet another example could be that Mary Kay Letourneau is somehow referred to as “Statutory Rape Barbie”. I keep having to ask myself where all of these Barbie and Ken references come from. What does being a Barbie/Ken doll imply about that person? That they’re perfect in every way? That they’re plastic and fake? That they’re shallow? Or maybe there’s this stigma going around about how Barbie dolls are anatomically incorrect and that if somebody actually looked like one, they’d be fucking dead. Well, as far as I know, Danica Patrick can still walk around without breaking her ankles, so there’s no way in hell she could be “NASCAR Barbie”. You’re probably asking yourself what all this talk about girl toys has to do with literature. Well, the same thing could be applied to popular books. For example, someone could call Bella Swan “Vampire Barbie”, which would most likely be attributed to her Mary-Sue qualities. So is that what it takes for someone to be a Barbie doll? Mary-Sue attributes? I’d have to say so. If that’s the case, then the outside world is just one big doll house. But maybe if I actually ventured outside my room and into the real world to meet some of these people, it’ll be even less likely that a giant pink convertible will pick me up for a trip to the Silverdale Shopping Mall. People are Barbie and Ken dolls until you actually get to know who they are, all their faults, all their pains, and all their love. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to be a writer: because we have to work so diligently to acquaint the reader with our characters so that they don’t become Barbie and Ken dolls.

　

***BUMPER STICKER OF THE DAY***

“Normal people scare me, but not as much as I scare them.”