Michael Bolton X My Darkest Days: "Time, Love, and Titty Sex"

 

Luigi DiAngelo, Marigold's Grandfather from "Emilio & Marigold"

 

Yvette the Maid Is Here to Bring You Sex Positivity

 

Billy Idol vs. the Drama Queen: And the Daytime Emmy For Best Actress Goes to...

 

Zena & Poppy: Where'd You Go? I Miss You So, Seems Like It's Been Forever Since You've Been Gone...

 

Jane's Addiction X Jane Goodall: She's Addicted to Kindness

 

Code Miko vs. Milton from Wayne's World 2 (Rest in Peace, Chris Farley)

 

Megan Storm, Lovesick Waitress from "Beauty and the Barbarian"

 

Unwanted Relationship Advice, Pt. 1 (Happy Valentine's Day!)

 

Ms. Rachel, Sweetheart of the Year

 

Sweet Anita X Hole: Gold Dust Woman

 

The lyrics are from the Fleetwood Mac song "Gold Dust Woman", which was covered by Hole for the soundtrack to The Crow: City of Angels.

Leila Lewis vs. Jillian Michaels (I'll probably get flagged for this)

 

Slipknot X The Streets: Dry Your Duality

 

The Slipknot song is "Duality" and the song from The Streets is "Dry Your Eyes". Ha...ha...ha...

Alexa Bliss

 

Shoot Your Shot

Shoot your shot, you’ve got nothing to lose

Except your self-esteem when she says, “I refuse”

Except a lawsuit where you never stood a chance

It's a permanent ban from a life of romance

 

I never took the time to show you how to do it

Flirting should come naturally, but you never knew it

Everything you know about the birds and the bees

Comes from online porn and erotic fantasies

 

I thought you would’ve learned from all your interactions

In your math classes while you’re learning subtraction

In your chemistry course about magnetic attraction

But you kept to yourself to protect your mental health

 

It’s not like you grew up with some Pulitzer winners

Who would ever invite you to a Met Gala dinner

They were bullies who punched down as a source of laughter

Why interact with people when it’s peace that you’re after?

 

You graduated college, but you don’t have any knowledge

On matters of the heart, because you don’t know where to start

You have to start somewhere, but you can’t find the bottom

Except in economic status and apartments so rotten

 

It used to be easy when the chemicals in their brains

Made the girls hot and horny, absolutely insane

It’s a little harder now that you don’t have social status

The ladies raced to the top and they were always the fastest

 

I bet you wish more people tried to understand

That it’s hard as hell to hold another woman’s hand

You could be movie star handsome and funny as fuck

But if she says no, then you’re shit out of luck

 

Now I understand why there’s a lock on your door

On the world wide web, you can’t be ignored

Press the play button and checkmark the loop

Nothing can stop you from shooting dude soup

 

You jokingly call it DIY lovemaking

When it comes to virginity, no volunteers are taking

You want something done right, you do it yourself

Hyper-independence comes from traumatized hell

There Won't Be a Next Time

VERSE 1

Call me on the phone with tears in your eyes

All because you never got to say goodbye

It’s two in the morning and I’ve popped my pills

I have this conversation against my will

You’ve searched every place for just one answer

Except for the mirror, your one true romancer

It’s all your fault, ‘cause everything’s your fault

Rip the cord out of the wall to end these phone calls

 

CHORUS

I already know you won’t do it next time

Why? Because there won’t be a next time!

You’re like everyone else who blew their chances

Flushed away your own friendships and romances

 

VERSE 2

I can only imagine what you’re like in real life

Either a fair-weather friend or a yandere wife

Would you throw knives at me at Thanksgiving dinner?

Debate me at Christmas until you’re the winner?

Leave me behind on a faraway vacation?

So many dark scenarios in my imagination

Anxiety gives me the gift that keeps giving

A lifetime with you isn’t one that’s worth living

 

CHORUS

I already know you won’t do it next time

Why? Because there won’t be a next time!

You’re like everyone else who blew their chances

Flushed away your own friendships and romances

 

BRIDGE

Life would be easier if you just wore a shirt

That says, “I’m evil and I’m lower than dirt”

That way I wouldn’t spend time chasing your skirt

My brain would stay sane, your heart would never hurt

 

VERSE 3

And now it’s all over, so what should I do?

Spend more time creating, less thinking of you

I’ve got a wish list that’s about a mile long

Time to show the world what it means to be strong

But first a little shiver underneath my blanket

Wondering all day if I’m even going to make it

I dreamed of making money with my artistic skills

Climb the corporate mountain, but the avalanche kills

 

EXTENDED CHORUS

I already know you won’t do it next time

Why? Because there won’t be a next time!

You’re like everyone else who blew their chances

Flushed away your own friendships and romances

You can say you’re sorry until your throat goes raw

You can scream until you unhinge your own jaw

You can hang onto my leg like a little bitty toddler

Go and get a life, unlike an aborted daughter

The One

VERSE 1

“Surf the internet in incognito mode?

You’re on your way to hell, a lonely road

Pray to god and take your ginkgo biloba

Stop drinking every bottle of diet soda”

Your medical advice must be so nice

For those on a diet of crackers of rice

You care so much if I’m seduced and enticed

By the ladies on the screen who bring the spice

 

PRE-CHORUS

Since you’re so emotionally invested

Here’s a little challenge so unexpected

 

CHORUS 1

Find me! The one who cares

Find me! The one who stares

At me with pretty eyes

Makes my spirit rise, destroys your lies

Find me! The one who cares

Find me! The one who shares

Her bed with me tonight

It’s a trick question, just admit I’m right

 

VERSE 2

“Yo, bro! Just swallow these red pills

Watch some UFC, get those bloody thrills

Don’t simp for nobody, go get yourself laid

It doesn’t count if your lover gets paid”

I’ve never seen so many SWERFS in one whole place

Who never gave a woman her own O-face

That’s okay, I haven’t done that myself

So I’m jerking it raw for my mental health

 

PRE-CHORUS

Since you’re so emotionally invested

Here’s a little challenge so unexpected

 

CHORUS 1

Find me! The one who cares

Find me! The one who stares

At me with pretty eyes

Makes my spirit rise, destroys your lies

Find me! The one who cares

Find me! The one who shares

Her bed with me tonight

It’s a trick question, just admit I’m right

 

VERSE 3

“Your computer’s slowing down, are you watching corn?

There must be other ways to keep your dick warm

Go touch some grass and then go get some ass

Here’s your invoice for the day, credit or cash?”

Five hundred bucks? Who’s got that kind of money?

I could have spent it in The Land of Milk and Honey

Oh wait, you’re one of them Elon Musk tech bros

Is that why you’ve got brown stains on your nose?

 

CHORUS 2

Oh well! It feels like no one cares

Oh well! It feels like no one wears

Every little hat I’ve got

You couldn’t walk in my shoes, couldn’t take my spot

Oh well! It feels like no one cares

Oh well! It feels so unfair

And now I sound just like a guy

With a microphone and a podcast, why?

Gone

“Don’t fall in love with strangers on the internet

Even though their beauty is impossible to forget

There are real life girls who’d love to take you to bed”

It’s the world’s shortest line, because they’re all gone

 

“Don’t spend all your time watching You Tube clips

While you’re munching down on a bag of cheesy chips

There’s so much cinema, characters you want to ship”

There’s just one problem, the best of them are gone

 

“Stop laying in bed when there’s so much to create

Never mind that the discourse is covered in hate

You can counter it with love, why would you want to wait?”

I’ll tell you why: because the good ones are gone

 

“Mother Nature is the very best antidepressant

The cost is cheap for every working-class peasant

You can feed the squirrels, sing with the pheasants”

It’s too hot outside, because the ozone is gone

 

“Get yourself a car, show off your convertible

Get yourself a job, get paid to be serviceable

Buy all the shit you want, stack it high and vertical”

Where are all the good bosses? Oh wait, they’re gone

 

Just gone! Gone! Gone without a trace!

A shitshow of a world is what came in its place

I’ve never seen a broken spirit with a happy face

It’s camouflage for authenticity they want to erase

 

“Can’t we all just get along?” Fuck no, we can’t!

Not as long as we’re repeating the same racist chant

Not as long as the elite cuts us off at the knees

And brainwashes everyone with the greatest of ease

 

Gone! Gone! Gone without a trace!

Be My Zealot

VERSE 1

Second chances just don’t feel right

You had so many, the count’s out of sight

More than a bastard should ever deserve

New high score, stroke yourself, you perv

The gates of heaven have a permanent lock

I’ve stuffed the key down the front of my jock

Bolt cutters won’t get you past the arches

Now you’re a target for angelic archers

 

PRE-CHORUS 1

You want forgiveness? This is all you have to do

 

CHORUS

Be my zealot

Be my fanatic

I’ll be your god

Your reason to panic

Give me your body

Give me your soul

Give me your mind

Absolute control

Be my zealot!

 

VERSE 2

You spent so long raping my eardrums

With punch-down humor, your favorite fun

You spent so long renting space in my head

You’ll pay that debt long after you’re dead

You spent so long ripping out my heart

Breaking it so many times, I don’t know where to start

You spent so long ignoring my demands

To stop the insanity, ‘cause I won’t let it stand

 

PRE-CHORUS 1

You want forgiveness? This is all you have to do

 

CHORUS

Be my zealot

Be my fanatic

I’ll be your god

Your reason to panic

Give me your body

Give me your soul

Give me your mind

Absolute control

Be my zealot!

 

BRIDGE

The day of your funeral has finally arrived

Nobody showed up, so there’re no tears to cry

I walk past the steel gates with a heavy bladder

Pull out my pecker, your grave gets the splatter

 

PRE-CHORUS 2

It’s too late for forgiveness, so now that you’re in hell

 

CHORUS

Be my zealot

Be my fanatic

I’ll be your god

Your reason to panic

Give me your body

Give me your soul

Give me your mind

Absolute control

Be my zealot!

Temptation

PART ONE: TEMPTATION IN HEAVEN

In my head, there is only heaven

The angels here are stuff of legends

Manic Pixie Dream Girls don’t exist

Except in a euphoric state of bliss

 

Lovely teachers in dresses and sandals

More than my chemicals could ever handle

They catch me staring and only smile back

Give them some wine and help them relax

 

Whoever said You Tube isn’t eHarmony

Never met the angels that are charming me

Closing distance with hugs and kisses

A future with all of them as my missus

 

When wrestling women get done in the ring

They turn up the sweetness and make my heart sing

They’re more than the skimpy gear that they wear

They’re reasons to stroke their soft silky hair

 

It doesn’t matter if I’m weird or lack money

They call me cupcake and call me honey

I get to be a star and then kiss the sky

Kiss magical women and make them cry

 

TELEVISION DIALOGUE

“Heaven? Hmph! Whatever made you think you were in heaven, Mr. Valentine? This IS the other place!”

 

PART TWO: THE AWAKENING

I spent too long in my own fantasies

The real world has so much they’re asking me

Family and friends haven’t seen me in weeks

My clothes are piling up, my body reeks

 

I got work to do and a legacy to build

I’m still creative and I’ll die on that hill

These novel characters are stuck in limbo

While I spent my days with imagined sex symbols

 

Read a book and your ignorance will die

But I can’t find the energy, can’t find the time

Drifting in and out of consciousness

Another reason to be lacking confidence

 

Build Legos like I did when I was a kid

I’m still a kid, but just a little bit mid

My hall of fame is showing its shame

When my broken promises are all the same

 

Do chores around the house, make it clean

Your domestic mistakes should be heard and not seen

Scrub the dishes and take out the garbage

For god’s sake, it should smell like a botanical garden

 

Talk to your people, talk to your pets

One chance in this life is all you get

Tell them you love them no matter what

Save them from your pain that deeply cuts

 

PART THREE: BACK TO HELL

I’m exiled from heaven, but I can’t go back to hell

The demons were the reason I was so unwell

Fighting and fucking, two sides of a coin

Stroking the tip before a kick in the groin

 

I fought so many battles with the forces of hell

That they’re often too traumatic, I shouldn’t tell

Screams, rage, death, blood

Spending so many nights face down in the mud

 

I’m just too tired to keep swinging my axe

I wish there was some sort of therapy tax

I wish there was somebody that I could ask

To kill the demons for me, but don’t let it last

 

I was born in the fire and I’ll never retire

It was never a reason for me to be a crier

Suck it up, suck it in, get back in the cage

Until I hit senior citizen age

 

If I live that long, my brain will turn to shit

And my hospital gown will be a perfect fit

Go under the knife for the rest of my life

As the memories fade of an imaginary wife