Steroid Smoothie

VERSE 1

Bench a thousand pounds like it’s nothing

Scream like you’re on the edge of coming

Squat a million pounds like a so-called beast

Fifty reps, maybe a hundred at the least

When Joe Six-Pack breaks his damn back

You blame everything on people who’re fat

Then you inject your juice by the liter

Strut around in a too tight wife-beater

CHORUS 1

Steroid smoothie!

It’s the key to your success

Steroid smoothie!

Puff your bitch tits chest

VERSE 2

Muscles so big you can’t fit through the door

Isn’t this what you pick on fat people for?

You’re a douchey white guy who tries too hard

One of these days, your ass can go back to lard

A lethal injection of your favorite PED’s

You think you’re more explosive than TNT

If you’re talking about your liver and heart

Congratulations, you’ve got yourself a head start

CHORUS 2

Steroid smoothie!

Gargantuan muscles, Tic-Tac balls

Steroid smoothie!

Two-inch penis, heart attack trust fall

VERSE 3

Looking good on your Instagram page

You should nickname yourself Roy Rage

You’re an inspiration to only yourself

Who cares if you put your body through hell?

I’d rather eat a steak than make the mistake

Of injecting juice and watching my limbs break

You’re not a fitness guru, you’re a piece of shit

Sit on a Shake Weight and then go for a spin

CHORUS 3

Steroid smoothie!

You’re faker than the president’s hair

Steroid smoothie!

Look into your empty soul if you dare

Steroid smoothie!

Your career is based on shallow lies

Steroid smoothie!

Excuse me while I wolf on these fries

Chris Hammer

NAME: Chris Hammer
AGE: 43
OCCUPATION: Fitness Guru
CANON: Jumping Jackholes


If you’re ever feeling bad about how much you weigh or what your body looks like, the world’s biggest jerk-ass known as Chris Hammer will make you feel even worse as part of his motivational gimmick. He’s got muscles the size of pumpkins, veins the size of pipelines, blood flowing through his steroid stream, and more anger in his heart than the entire Westboro Baptist Church. Speaking of the latter, Chris Hammer hates fat people so much that he has become a venomous bigot. He might as well hold up a rainbow colored sign that says “God Hates Fats”.

The worst part about this nimrod? He has his own TV show. That’s right, folks. People desperate to lose weight actually turn on their tubes and listen to a full hour of Chris Hammer screaming anti-fat slurs at them while doing exercises that are ridiculously hard even for the physically fit. Because he’s so disgustingly strong, he can do things like move boulders, do jumping jacks while carrying cannonballs, do pushups with fat customers on his back, and run a mile in less than ten seconds. His only response: “What’s your excuse?” And if you don’t have an excuse, relax, because he’ll put it all into perspective for you. In a thunderous voice, he’ll threaten to give your food away to hungry children in Africa because you’re fat enough to have a heart attack any minute now.

The best way to deal with this prick would be to punch him in the mouth, right? Well, part of being muscular is having a high tolerance for pain. Plus, Chris Hammer just happens to have a chiseled jaw, so you would probably break your fist before you broke his face. What about firepower? Are you so desperate to see this guy killed that you need to arm yourself with pistols and shotguns? Maybe even rocket launchers? Once again, the rocket shell would turn to shrapnel before Chris Hammer turned to fire and ashes. Due to this guy’s indestructibility, he has a complex that makes him feel entitled to belittle others because he has everything going for him.

Know any celebrities like that? I can name a few off the top of my head right now. Donald Trump comes to mind. He has so much money that he can manipulate the odds when he’s suing other people for even more money. Mel Gibson is next on deck. He has so much celebrity status that he believes he’s entitled to scream at his wife or girlfriend, maybe even beat her. Phil Robertson is yet another example. Because he has his own TV show and immerses himself in Christian culture every damn second of his life, he believes he is entitled to use homophobic slurs without facing backlash. Donald Trump, Mel Gibson, and Phil Robertson are nothing more than prototypes for Chris Hammer, yet another guy who uses his power to oppress others.

The last time I wrote something as bold as Jumping Jackholes, it was 2012 and I was desperate for novella ideas. And because 2012 was an uneducated year for me, I firmly believed back then that hyperbolic descriptions and unbelievable endings were acceptable. Now we come to today’s world where Jumping Jackholes has been deleted from my archives and this asshole Complete Monster Chris Hammer is left without employment. Normally, using Complete Monsters is a bad thing because it disenfranchises the reader. But just like Mary-Sues, Gary-Stus, and any other character who’s labeled with a literary slur, Complete Monsters come in all shapes and colors. If Chris Hammer gets used again, I will definitely take my fitness frustrations out on him.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“What’s wrong with you, Jamie Noble? Are you upset with me because people actually know who I am? Or is it because unlike you, I can get on all the rides at Disneyland? Don’t worry, Jamie, my six-year-old daughter feels the same way.”

-Randy Orton-