Showing posts with label The Authority. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Authority. Show all posts
Monday, January 5, 2026
Monday, November 23, 2015
WWE Survivor Series: Roman Reigns vs. Dean Ambrose
MATCH: Roman Reigns vs. Dean Ambrose for the vacated WWE World Heavyweight Championship
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Survivor Series
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass
When Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose burst onto the scene in WWE, they were aligned with Seth Rollins as part of the most dominant trio the promotion has ever seen, The Shield. As members of this powerful alliance, Reigns and Rollins went on to become Tag Team of the Year and WWE Tag Team Champions while Dean Ambrose became the United States Champion. Every three-man team assembled to go against The Shield was destroyed and defeated with no absence of malice from The Wyatt Family to Team Hell No & Randy Orton to Evolution.
Just when The Shield was on top of the world, Seth Rollins got greedy and laid out Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns with chair shots as a way of accepting Triple H’s offer to join The Authority. Ever since stabbing his brothers in the back, Seth went on to become Mr. Money in the Bank and would eventually cash in the contract at Wrestlemania 31 to become WWE World Heavyweight Champion for the first time in his career. He also defeated John Cena at Summer Slam to become United States Champion in addition to being World Champion.
Despite having Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose (who were still best friends despite the end of The Shield) breathing down his neck, Seth Rollins would have gone on to hold the WWE World Heavyweight Championship forever if he hadn’t been for a debilitating knee injury he suffered during a live show in Ireland. Rollins would be forced to vacate the championship, undergo surgery, and rehabilitate for six to nine months.
In order to determine a new WWE Champion, Triple H put together a 16-man tournament which would culminate at the 2015 Survivor Series pay-per-view. In order to get to the finals, Dean Ambrose had to defeat NXT upstart Tyler Breeze, former World Champion Dolph Ziggler, and reigning Intercontinental Champion Kevin Owens. Roman Reigns’ road to the finals wasn’t any less challenging since he had to beat “The World’s Largest Athlete” The Big Show, “The Swiss Superman” Cesaro, and the reigning United States Champion Alberto Del Rio.
Up until Survivor Series, Ambrose and Reigns had each other’s backs throughout their various rivalries. When that opening bell rung, friendship and brotherhood went out the window. The two ring warriors went through too many screw jobs and too many beatings to just let each other have the WWE World Title handed to them. They were going to fight and they were going to brutalize each other in the process.
The instant the bell rang, Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose rushed to the center of the ring and started throwing rapid-fire punches to the face to dictate the match’s pace as being gunshot-fast. Dean Ambrose would perform multiple dives through the ropes and sacrifice his own health just to flatten Reigns. Reigns threw many Superman Punches and jacked the jaw of his best friend. They threw each other against the ring apron, audience barricade, and announce tables. They clotheslined, body slammed, suplexed, and even hit each other with their respective finishing moves, Roman Reigns using the Spear Tackle and Dean Ambrose using Dirty Deeds (double arm underhook DDT).
These two fighters beat each other so badly that they could do nothing but sit next to each other in frustration in order to figure out their next moves. They sat there pie-facing each other. Then they punched each other in the face. They got up and punched each other some more. Then they kicked each other. And then more hard-hitting haymakers and clotheslines were in the works. And then they were bouncing each other’s bodies off the canvass like hand grenades ready to explode from mind-blowing pain. Somewhere in this shuffle of fast-paced brawling, Roman Reigns found himself leaning against the turnbuckles with Dean Ambrose charging for him like a raging lunatic bull.
How did Roman Reigns respond? With a second (or third) Spear Tackle and a 1-2-3 pinning combination. The leader of the Roman Empire had finally done it after three years of WWE’s most hard-hitting challenges. Hernia surgeries, bruises, blood drops, broken bones, mind games, and fan hatred all tried to keep him down at the bottom of the grave. And then he rose to the surface and conquered the mountain for the first time in his career. Roman Reigns was so exhausted from his match with Dean Ambrose that he had the equilibrium of a drunkard.
This celebration was going to last forever in time: confetti, cheers, boos, and shaking hands with Dean Ambrose, that was what the top of the WWE mountain felt like for Roman Reigns. And then once Ambrose left, Sheamus appeared with his Money in the Bank briefcase and played the role of spoiler. A Money in the Bank contract guarantees the holder a WWE Championship match ANY time he wants one, even after a grueling match with The Lunatic Fringe himself. Two bicycle kicks later, Sheamus wins his less-than-a-minute match with Roman Reigns and becomes the new champion, much to the delight of Authority leader Triple H. The only thing left on Roman’s body to break and bruise was his heart and now it’s in a million pieces.
The buildup to this match was months in the making, Rollins’ injury aside. The eagerness tensed up within the fans to see this kick-ass match and it finally happened. The match itself was exciting, fast-paced, hard-hitting, and between two badass wrestlers who personify toughness and brutality. The fans adore Dean Ambrose and hate Roman Reigns, the latter of which I can’t understand since he’s an awesome performer despite his lack of experience. There were no losers in this deadly brawl. There were no winners either, only survivors and shattered soldiers.
The one aspect of this match I could have done without was Sheamus’ cowardly cash-in. Yes, I know cashing in Money in the Bank is something even my favorite wrestlers like Daniel Bryan, CM Punk, and Seth Rollins have done, but even so, this pay-per-view victory was supposed to be Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose’s moment to shine. It was supposed to shatter the glass ceiling and make it snow all over the Phillips Arena in Atlanta, Georgia. Sheamus, who held multiple World Titles in the past already, shit all over our hopes and dreams much like Randy Orton did in 2013 when he cashed in on a vulnerable Daniel Bryan. If it wasn’t for the fight being so damned entertaining and the buildup being so exciting, this match would have a received a mixed grade at best. But let the record books show that despite only holding it for a few minutes, Roman Reigns is a one-time WWE World Heavyweight Champion, a title he earned through three years of boots, blood, and barbarism.
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Survivor Series
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass
When Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose burst onto the scene in WWE, they were aligned with Seth Rollins as part of the most dominant trio the promotion has ever seen, The Shield. As members of this powerful alliance, Reigns and Rollins went on to become Tag Team of the Year and WWE Tag Team Champions while Dean Ambrose became the United States Champion. Every three-man team assembled to go against The Shield was destroyed and defeated with no absence of malice from The Wyatt Family to Team Hell No & Randy Orton to Evolution.
Just when The Shield was on top of the world, Seth Rollins got greedy and laid out Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns with chair shots as a way of accepting Triple H’s offer to join The Authority. Ever since stabbing his brothers in the back, Seth went on to become Mr. Money in the Bank and would eventually cash in the contract at Wrestlemania 31 to become WWE World Heavyweight Champion for the first time in his career. He also defeated John Cena at Summer Slam to become United States Champion in addition to being World Champion.
Despite having Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose (who were still best friends despite the end of The Shield) breathing down his neck, Seth Rollins would have gone on to hold the WWE World Heavyweight Championship forever if he hadn’t been for a debilitating knee injury he suffered during a live show in Ireland. Rollins would be forced to vacate the championship, undergo surgery, and rehabilitate for six to nine months.
In order to determine a new WWE Champion, Triple H put together a 16-man tournament which would culminate at the 2015 Survivor Series pay-per-view. In order to get to the finals, Dean Ambrose had to defeat NXT upstart Tyler Breeze, former World Champion Dolph Ziggler, and reigning Intercontinental Champion Kevin Owens. Roman Reigns’ road to the finals wasn’t any less challenging since he had to beat “The World’s Largest Athlete” The Big Show, “The Swiss Superman” Cesaro, and the reigning United States Champion Alberto Del Rio.
Up until Survivor Series, Ambrose and Reigns had each other’s backs throughout their various rivalries. When that opening bell rung, friendship and brotherhood went out the window. The two ring warriors went through too many screw jobs and too many beatings to just let each other have the WWE World Title handed to them. They were going to fight and they were going to brutalize each other in the process.
The instant the bell rang, Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose rushed to the center of the ring and started throwing rapid-fire punches to the face to dictate the match’s pace as being gunshot-fast. Dean Ambrose would perform multiple dives through the ropes and sacrifice his own health just to flatten Reigns. Reigns threw many Superman Punches and jacked the jaw of his best friend. They threw each other against the ring apron, audience barricade, and announce tables. They clotheslined, body slammed, suplexed, and even hit each other with their respective finishing moves, Roman Reigns using the Spear Tackle and Dean Ambrose using Dirty Deeds (double arm underhook DDT).
These two fighters beat each other so badly that they could do nothing but sit next to each other in frustration in order to figure out their next moves. They sat there pie-facing each other. Then they punched each other in the face. They got up and punched each other some more. Then they kicked each other. And then more hard-hitting haymakers and clotheslines were in the works. And then they were bouncing each other’s bodies off the canvass like hand grenades ready to explode from mind-blowing pain. Somewhere in this shuffle of fast-paced brawling, Roman Reigns found himself leaning against the turnbuckles with Dean Ambrose charging for him like a raging lunatic bull.
How did Roman Reigns respond? With a second (or third) Spear Tackle and a 1-2-3 pinning combination. The leader of the Roman Empire had finally done it after three years of WWE’s most hard-hitting challenges. Hernia surgeries, bruises, blood drops, broken bones, mind games, and fan hatred all tried to keep him down at the bottom of the grave. And then he rose to the surface and conquered the mountain for the first time in his career. Roman Reigns was so exhausted from his match with Dean Ambrose that he had the equilibrium of a drunkard.
This celebration was going to last forever in time: confetti, cheers, boos, and shaking hands with Dean Ambrose, that was what the top of the WWE mountain felt like for Roman Reigns. And then once Ambrose left, Sheamus appeared with his Money in the Bank briefcase and played the role of spoiler. A Money in the Bank contract guarantees the holder a WWE Championship match ANY time he wants one, even after a grueling match with The Lunatic Fringe himself. Two bicycle kicks later, Sheamus wins his less-than-a-minute match with Roman Reigns and becomes the new champion, much to the delight of Authority leader Triple H. The only thing left on Roman’s body to break and bruise was his heart and now it’s in a million pieces.
The buildup to this match was months in the making, Rollins’ injury aside. The eagerness tensed up within the fans to see this kick-ass match and it finally happened. The match itself was exciting, fast-paced, hard-hitting, and between two badass wrestlers who personify toughness and brutality. The fans adore Dean Ambrose and hate Roman Reigns, the latter of which I can’t understand since he’s an awesome performer despite his lack of experience. There were no losers in this deadly brawl. There were no winners either, only survivors and shattered soldiers.
The one aspect of this match I could have done without was Sheamus’ cowardly cash-in. Yes, I know cashing in Money in the Bank is something even my favorite wrestlers like Daniel Bryan, CM Punk, and Seth Rollins have done, but even so, this pay-per-view victory was supposed to be Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose’s moment to shine. It was supposed to shatter the glass ceiling and make it snow all over the Phillips Arena in Atlanta, Georgia. Sheamus, who held multiple World Titles in the past already, shit all over our hopes and dreams much like Randy Orton did in 2013 when he cashed in on a vulnerable Daniel Bryan. If it wasn’t for the fight being so damned entertaining and the buildup being so exciting, this match would have a received a mixed grade at best. But let the record books show that despite only holding it for a few minutes, Roman Reigns is a one-time WWE World Heavyweight Champion, a title he earned through three years of boots, blood, and barbarism.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Chris Hammer
NAME: Chris Hammer
AGE: 43
OCCUPATION: Fitness Guru
CANON: Jumping Jackholes
If you’re ever feeling bad about how much you weigh or what your body looks like, the world’s biggest jerk-ass known as Chris Hammer will make you feel even worse as part of his motivational gimmick. He’s got muscles the size of pumpkins, veins the size of pipelines, blood flowing through his steroid stream, and more anger in his heart than the entire Westboro Baptist Church. Speaking of the latter, Chris Hammer hates fat people so much that he has become a venomous bigot. He might as well hold up a rainbow colored sign that says “God Hates Fats”.
The worst part about this nimrod? He has his own TV show. That’s right, folks. People desperate to lose weight actually turn on their tubes and listen to a full hour of Chris Hammer screaming anti-fat slurs at them while doing exercises that are ridiculously hard even for the physically fit. Because he’s so disgustingly strong, he can do things like move boulders, do jumping jacks while carrying cannonballs, do pushups with fat customers on his back, and run a mile in less than ten seconds. His only response: “What’s your excuse?” And if you don’t have an excuse, relax, because he’ll put it all into perspective for you. In a thunderous voice, he’ll threaten to give your food away to hungry children in Africa because you’re fat enough to have a heart attack any minute now.
The best way to deal with this prick would be to punch him in the mouth, right? Well, part of being muscular is having a high tolerance for pain. Plus, Chris Hammer just happens to have a chiseled jaw, so you would probably break your fist before you broke his face. What about firepower? Are you so desperate to see this guy killed that you need to arm yourself with pistols and shotguns? Maybe even rocket launchers? Once again, the rocket shell would turn to shrapnel before Chris Hammer turned to fire and ashes. Due to this guy’s indestructibility, he has a complex that makes him feel entitled to belittle others because he has everything going for him.
Know any celebrities like that? I can name a few off the top of my head right now. Donald Trump comes to mind. He has so much money that he can manipulate the odds when he’s suing other people for even more money. Mel Gibson is next on deck. He has so much celebrity status that he believes he’s entitled to scream at his wife or girlfriend, maybe even beat her. Phil Robertson is yet another example. Because he has his own TV show and immerses himself in Christian culture every damn second of his life, he believes he is entitled to use homophobic slurs without facing backlash. Donald Trump, Mel Gibson, and Phil Robertson are nothing more than prototypes for Chris Hammer, yet another guy who uses his power to oppress others.
The last time I wrote something as bold as Jumping Jackholes, it was 2012 and I was desperate for novella ideas. And because 2012 was an uneducated year for me, I firmly believed back then that hyperbolic descriptions and unbelievable endings were acceptable. Now we come to today’s world where Jumping Jackholes has been deleted from my archives and this asshole Complete Monster Chris Hammer is left without employment. Normally, using Complete Monsters is a bad thing because it disenfranchises the reader. But just like Mary-Sues, Gary-Stus, and any other character who’s labeled with a literary slur, Complete Monsters come in all shapes and colors. If Chris Hammer gets used again, I will definitely take my fitness frustrations out on him.
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“What’s wrong with you, Jamie Noble? Are you upset with me because people actually know who I am? Or is it because unlike you, I can get on all the rides at Disneyland? Don’t worry, Jamie, my six-year-old daughter feels the same way.”
-Randy Orton-
AGE: 43
OCCUPATION: Fitness Guru
CANON: Jumping Jackholes
If you’re ever feeling bad about how much you weigh or what your body looks like, the world’s biggest jerk-ass known as Chris Hammer will make you feel even worse as part of his motivational gimmick. He’s got muscles the size of pumpkins, veins the size of pipelines, blood flowing through his steroid stream, and more anger in his heart than the entire Westboro Baptist Church. Speaking of the latter, Chris Hammer hates fat people so much that he has become a venomous bigot. He might as well hold up a rainbow colored sign that says “God Hates Fats”.
The worst part about this nimrod? He has his own TV show. That’s right, folks. People desperate to lose weight actually turn on their tubes and listen to a full hour of Chris Hammer screaming anti-fat slurs at them while doing exercises that are ridiculously hard even for the physically fit. Because he’s so disgustingly strong, he can do things like move boulders, do jumping jacks while carrying cannonballs, do pushups with fat customers on his back, and run a mile in less than ten seconds. His only response: “What’s your excuse?” And if you don’t have an excuse, relax, because he’ll put it all into perspective for you. In a thunderous voice, he’ll threaten to give your food away to hungry children in Africa because you’re fat enough to have a heart attack any minute now.
The best way to deal with this prick would be to punch him in the mouth, right? Well, part of being muscular is having a high tolerance for pain. Plus, Chris Hammer just happens to have a chiseled jaw, so you would probably break your fist before you broke his face. What about firepower? Are you so desperate to see this guy killed that you need to arm yourself with pistols and shotguns? Maybe even rocket launchers? Once again, the rocket shell would turn to shrapnel before Chris Hammer turned to fire and ashes. Due to this guy’s indestructibility, he has a complex that makes him feel entitled to belittle others because he has everything going for him.
Know any celebrities like that? I can name a few off the top of my head right now. Donald Trump comes to mind. He has so much money that he can manipulate the odds when he’s suing other people for even more money. Mel Gibson is next on deck. He has so much celebrity status that he believes he’s entitled to scream at his wife or girlfriend, maybe even beat her. Phil Robertson is yet another example. Because he has his own TV show and immerses himself in Christian culture every damn second of his life, he believes he is entitled to use homophobic slurs without facing backlash. Donald Trump, Mel Gibson, and Phil Robertson are nothing more than prototypes for Chris Hammer, yet another guy who uses his power to oppress others.
The last time I wrote something as bold as Jumping Jackholes, it was 2012 and I was desperate for novella ideas. And because 2012 was an uneducated year for me, I firmly believed back then that hyperbolic descriptions and unbelievable endings were acceptable. Now we come to today’s world where Jumping Jackholes has been deleted from my archives and this asshole Complete Monster Chris Hammer is left without employment. Normally, using Complete Monsters is a bad thing because it disenfranchises the reader. But just like Mary-Sues, Gary-Stus, and any other character who’s labeled with a literary slur, Complete Monsters come in all shapes and colors. If Chris Hammer gets used again, I will definitely take my fitness frustrations out on him.
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“What’s wrong with you, Jamie Noble? Are you upset with me because people actually know who I am? Or is it because unlike you, I can get on all the rides at Disneyland? Don’t worry, Jamie, my six-year-old daughter feels the same way.”
-Randy Orton-
Thursday, November 6, 2014
WWE Hell in a Cell: Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins
TITLE: WWE Hell in a Cell: Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins
GENRE: Professional Wrestling Match
RATING: TV-PG for moderate violence and brief language
GRADE: Pass
A Hell in a Cell match is more than a typical steel cage fight. In this case, the cage surrounds the entire ring and exposes the concrete floor. You can’t win the match by escape because there is no escape. It’s just you and your opponent inside a wire mesh cage with no rules or regulations to hold you back. As heel commentator JBL so appropriately puts it, the only limit to your attack is your imagination. Dean Ambrose has a wild imagination in case you couldn’t tell from his erratic behavior. Seth Rollins can be just as sadistic and crazy. The first Hell in a Cell match between John Cena and Randy Orton was…acceptable. But this main event match between Ambrose and Rollins was going to steal the show.
Normally a match of this caliber would start in the ring and the bell would sound off three times to start the battle. Dean Ambrose didn’t want that. Carrying a kendo stick like a samurai sword with him, he wanted to start on TOP of the cell. Seth Rollins along with his two stooges Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble were (kind of) happy to humor him. Mercury and Noble got kendo stick welts for their troubles and Rollins and Ambrose fell off the cage and crashed through the English and Spanish-speaking announce tables.
It could have been over before it started. Dean Ambrose didn’t want that ending. He got off of his stretcher and chased Seth Rollins down before throwing him in the cell to officially start the match. Once the bell rung three times, these two warriors brutalized each other. They used chairs, sticks, steel stairs, and wooden tables, all in an effort to achieve victory. Corporate Kane was outside the cell and interfered by blasting Ambrose in the face with a fire extinguisher. That didn’t cool off the fire in the Lunatic Fringe’s belly. He wasn’t just pissed off at Seth Rollins; he had a bloodlust for him. He wanted to torture and twist him in the most painful ways possible.
Dean Ambrose was so close to exacting his revenge when he put an unconscious Seth Rollins’ head on top of cinder blocks to set up for Rollins’ own finisher move, the curb stomp. And then the arena went black and strange tongues were being spoken with a lantern and a ghost in the center of the ring. The speaker of that tongues was none other than the hypnotic and frightening Bray Wyatt, who downed Dean Ambrose with a spinning face buster and allowed Seth Rollins to cover Ambrose for the 1-2-3 pin. The match is over, but the emotional scars bleed like waterfalls and the physical pains burn like hellfire.
And now for the actual critique. To put it shortly, this match was as violent and psychotic as anybody could ask for. The blood was minimal, but the pain was at its maximum with the creative use of weaponry and the multi-story fall from the start of the match. This wasn’t just a wrestling match; this was a fight for survival. Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins beat each other so badly after that fall it was amazing they didn’t have a hearse parked outside the arena. You’re damn right they were sore and bruised.
Believe it or not, the finish to the match where Bray Wyatt interfered didn’t bother me in the least bit. Yes, I wanted to see Dean Ambrose curb stomp Seth Rollins’ head into powder and slush. But then again, Bray Wyatt had been off of WWE television for a long time and needed a grand reintroduction. And now that the Hell in a Cell pay-per-view is in the books, we’re looking at a rivalry between Ambrose and Wyatt.
You know what that means? It means two crazies, two psychopaths are going to tear each other apart at some point. Dean Ambrose is like The Joker and Bray Wyatt is like Charles Manson. The two wrestlers have the mindset of serial killers and if they have to bleed each other out to get to the climax of their battle, well, let me put it his way: Seth Rollins is the luckiest guy on the planet. If these two loony tunes play enough mind games with each other for long enough, one of those minds will be running down a sewer drain while the other is bleeding with psychological trauma.
What you have to remember when watching WWE is everything happens for a reason. All you have to do as a fan is wait patiently for your favorites to triumph. It’s not an instant situation. It takes time for a climax to launch. Lots of time.
When Daniel Bryan was screwed out of the WWE Title at Summer Slam 2013, it took him until Wrestlemania XXX, which is an April 2014 pay-per-view to regain it. The point of this analogy is if you’re a fan and you want to see Seth Rollins get brutalized over and over again, but eventually for a final time, wait patiently. WWE waited patiently for Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins to climax and it paid off in the most violent way possible, which is why this match in particular gets a passing grade.
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