Who's the Real Hard Worker Here: the Actual Worker or the Extortionist?

 

Ari Emanuel (TKO) X Jade Pettyjohn (Big Sky): "Just Be a Fan..."

 

Ed from Ed, Edd, n' Eddy vs. Chuck Schumer a.k.a. the Reason Corporate Centrism Is Dogshit

 

How Are Those Egg Prices Working Out for You, MAGA?

 

Mark Shapiro: No Relation to Ben, But You'd Be Forgiven If You Thought Otherwise

 

Warner Brothers: 100 Years of Celebrating Every Story, Even the Ones They Tell Themselves to Assuage Their Insecurities

 

Daniel Rush, Office Jockey from "Be a Good Duck"

 

Connor Stone, Evil CEO from "Be a Good Duck"

 

Booker T vs. Triple H

 

The "award-winning announcer" Booker T got buried in 2003 when Triple H not only made a bunch of racist jokes about him, but also beat him decisively at Wrestlemania and got no comeuppance for it. Now it appears the only burying going on is burying the hatchet between the two of them, so that they can join TKO in their quest for milking the fans' wallets for all they're worth with a mediocre product and high ticket prices.

Bryan Danielson (AEW) vs. Nick Khan (President of WWE)

 

Andrew "Test" Martin (Rest in Peace)

 

Stephanie McMahon

 

Selling Your Soul

VERSE 1

You sold your soul for some paper and metal

Digital transactions from lawsuits you settled

All you have left is a mediocre shell

And a special seat for you waiting in hell

Your spirit was once so colorful and bright

Before you fell off hard after turning right

Your road to heaven was paved with blood

Your so-called “truth bombs” were only duds

 

VERSE 2

When I give my soul to the left

I get a return on what I invest

The stories of underdogs just like myself

Told in the form of books on my shelf

Songs, art, movies, and more

Keep me from becoming a bootlicking whore

I grew and matured, I learned from the best

Who cares about results on a standardized test?

 

VERSE 3

Crushing dreams is what keeps you alive

Heaven forbid that creativity thrives

They should sell their souls for a pizza party

In a corporate office packed like sardines

Into cubicles more like trash compactors

That’s how you see them, they suppress detractors

Power corrupts, it’s an insatiable hunger

Feed the addiction while the artists suffer

 

VERSE 4

Why hire meat sacks when robots are cheaper?

Why use your brain when your pockets are deeper?

Why relate to another human being?

When outer beauty is all that you’re seeing?

Beauty fades and so does common sense

Those who enable you are not your friends

They carry knives in search of a back

Slip up just a little and they’re on the attack

They run away with your big money sack

Another soulless wonder, you’re left with jack

“Capitalism breeds innovation” they say

Yet it’s the same old shit every damn day

Razor Ripley

CHORUS 1

While you’re nice and cozy in your gingerbread house

Here comes Razor Ripley to tear your hearts out!

VERSE 1

A necromancer with no fucks to give

A dead man walking with no reason to live

Except to steal souls like shoplifting at Wal-Mart

Clean the whole town out, it’s his favorite part

Of every single day he walks the planet earth

Death is one part of life, another is rebirth

Casting his magic is what makes him feel alive

Raise an army of skeletons with minds like a hive

CHORUS 2

While you’re nice and comfy in your funeral parlor

Here comes Razor Ripley, respect the fire starter!

VERSE 2

All those empty souls waiting to go to hell

They were there all along when alive and well

The nine circles represented a decade in life

From childhood conformity to fucking a wife

To sitting in a nursing home waiting for the end

After spending many years in the backwards bend

Pushing buttons in an office meant nothing at all

Just like breaking your back to hang up dry wall

CHORUS 3

While you’re snuggling up on Satan’s warm lap

Here comes Razor Ripley to make the devil tap!

VERSE 3

The underworld is under new management

The Promised Land is next, the new sacrament

Some call it succession, but I’ve got a confession

Corporate power structure is a fickle motherfucker

All the NDA’s and the ass-kissing lawyers

Can’t silence necromancy or the undead warriors

A dark fantasy tale of the American variety

Is the bastard child of an uncaring society

CHORUS 4

While you’re wrapped up in shackles like a Christmas blanket

Bow down to Razor Ripley, make your final statement!

While you’re wandering the world with no mind of your own

Ask Razor Ripley if he’ll animate your bones!

Office Space

MOVIE TITLE: Office Space

DIRECTOR: Mike Judge

YEAR: 1999

GENRE: Comedy

RATING: R for language

GRADE: B

It feels weird watching this movie during the Great Resignation. Everybody in America is figuring out how bad their jobs are, so they’re leaving for higher ground. Monotony, low pay, uncaring bosses, lack of opportunities, these are all perfectly valid reasons to hate a job. The audience has no problem living vicariously through the main character, Peter Gibbons, who hates his white-collar job so much that he becomes an aloof slacker. What is he going to do for money? Well, that’s where you’ll have to watch the movie and find out. Whatever it is, it certainly won’t be crunching numbers at a pointless job. Building sympathy for the little guy is something this movie does well. It’s a shame it didn’t fare well at the box office, but its status as a cult film is more than deserved.

But if the movie is that good at making comedy out of a corporate miasma, then why am I giving it only a B grade? Surely, I could learn to hate work just as much as Peter Gibbons, Michael Bolton, and Samir…whatever his name is, right? As true as that might be, I only laughed a handful of times when I watched this. It could be my tapioca pudding brain malfunctioning on me. But if a comedy only makes me laugh a handful of times, then what’s the point? I did like Michael Bolton’s delivery as a character. I did like the courtroom dream that Peter had. I did like the…actually, I liked the…and wouldn’t you know it, my tapioca pudding brain with electricity inside can’t think of another instance where I let out even a little bit of a chuckle. Maybe my brain is so fried that I only have an appreciation for darker comedy, I don’t know. In any event, I didn’t laugh as often as I should have and that’s going to bring the grade down a notch.

But just because I wasn’t hee-hawing out of my chair, doesn’t mean I didn’t get any enjoyment out of watching this movie. Watching Peter, Michael, and Samir destroy a malfunctioning piece of computer equipment was so satisfying, considering my own Incredible Hulk rage towards such things. Watching Peter find happiness when he started the movie so miserable and out-of-body also made me glow like a light bulb. Listening to the gangster rap soundtrack to subdue Michael Bolton’s unfortunate name? Delicious piece of storytelling. There’s a lot of joy the average audience member can find in this movie. We’ve all had a condescending boss or teacher at some point in our lives. Rebelling against them is a fantasy everyone can enjoy no matter what level of work experience they have. “Level of work experience.” That’s a corporate buzzword if I’ve ever heard one. I’m sure Lumberg’s said that a few times off camera.

While the movie isn’t perfect by any means, it’s still appointment viewing for pretty much anybody who’s had it with corporate authority. Yes, the movie takes place in 1999 and might be a little dated in some places, but when has that ever stopped Mike Judge from predicting the future like he did with Idiocracy? Actually, he was off by 490 years, but hey, details, details. They matter about as much as a fraction of a penny. What does a fraction of a penny have to do with this plot? Watch it and find out. It’ll be yet another piece of anti-corporate satisfaction. I promise you. This movie gets four stars out of five, a B for Bureaucracy, and an 85% save progress bar. Seriously, you stupid computer, hurry up and save the files!

Boots and Tongues

VERSE 1

Lick all the ass cheeks, lick all the dicks

Lick all the pussies until you get sick

Drink all the juices, every last ounce

Then tell the world to compare bank accounts

PRE-CHORUS 1

You won’t rinse with mouthwash

Lick it! Lick it! Lick it all!

You won’t use dental floss

CHORUS 1

Boots and tongues! Collect your pay!

Boots and tongues! The corporate way!

Boots and tongues! It tastes okay!

Boots and tongues! Lick it!

VERSE 2

Lick all the bare feet and savor the treat

Toe jam and toenails are the new lunch meat

Lick all the nut sacks and kiss all the rings

Kiss all the asses and lick everything

PRE-CHORUS 2

You won’t brush with toothpaste

Lick it! Lick it! Lick it all!

Dental insurance is such a waste

CHORUS 2

Boots and tongues! Collect your cash!

Boots and tongues! Marry into trash!

Boots and tongues! Hide your stash!

Boots and tongues! Lick it!

CHORUS 3

Boots and tongues! Collect your coin!

Boots and tongues! Stroke your groin!

Boots and tongues! The club to join!

Boots and tongues! Lick it!

Right Here Right Now

VERSE 1

Get your ass out of bed

You ain’t fucking dead

You just want to pretend

You’re at the contract’s end

I will sue your tired ass

If you don’t get your act

Together right this minute

This fight? You can’t win it

CHORUS

Right here! Right now!

Next show! Next town!

You were born for greatness!

So I won’t accept your lateness!

VERSE 2

Chug that can of Red Bull

Until your bladder’s full

Pop those bitter pills

They help pay the bills

Sign your autographs

Share a few horse laughs

They’re your fucking fans

Treat them like your clan

EXTENDED CHORUS 1

Right here! Right now!

Next show! Next town!

You were born for greatness!

So I won’t accept your lateness!

Right here! Right now!

All smiles! No frowns!

I won’t accept mediocrity!

Or this will end in tragedy!

VERSE 3

Do it for the exposure

As you find some closure

With your corporate deal

Your pie in the sky meal

You’re stretched so thin

It’s almost like a sin

How we treat our staff

It’s all just for a laugh

EXTENDED CHORUS 2

Right here! Right now!

Next show! Next town!

You were born for greatness!

So I won’t accept your lateness!

Right here! Right now!

Make me rich! Make me proud!

You can rest when you’re dead!

But you’ll still be in my debt!

"Preacher, Vol. 7: Salvation" by Garth Ennis

BOOK TITLE: Preacher, Vol. 7: Salvation

AUTHOR: Garth Ennis

YEAR: 1999

GENRE: Graphic Novel

SUBGENRE: Horror

GRADE: Pass

Feeling betrayed by his girlfriend Tulip and best friend Cassidy, Reverend Jesse Custer searches for meaning in the small town of Salvation, Texas. After fending off an attack against an old friend, he’s unofficially appointed sheriff of Salvation. His first big assignment is to do something about the Quincannon meat-packing family, who have run amok in Salvation with no consequences due to the patriarch Odin constantly paying off judges and officials. Jesse Custer cannot be bought or sold so easily and promises to do right by the people of Salvation.

While this installment of Preacher has its share of messed up moments, it doesn’t feel nearly as messed up as the previous volumes. Sure, there’s Odin’s little secret in the meat-packing plant. Sure, the villains are intolerably racist. But it just didn’t feel like the Preacher of old. Maybe I’ve become numb to it all after the first six volumes. Maybe I missed something along the way. Maybe I need to have this particular story explained to me. In any event, this seems more like a drama-driven story rather than a shock value extravaganza. While shock value doesn’t always mean good storytelling, Garth Ennis normally does it in a way that fits with the story perfectly. Don’t get me wrong, this is still a good story, but it’s just not the same.

But for all of this story’s faults, there’s no denying the heartstring-tugging moments that go along with it. This isn’t much of a spoiler since it happens early enough in the story, but Jesse does reunite with his mother after several decades apart. I won’t say how, but it does happen. And when it happens, tears flow from Christina Custer’s face like a running faucet. I’m sure Jesse cried somewhere during this reunion as well. Volume two was where Jesse’s sadistic upbringing and subsequent kidnapping was turned up to eleven. After enduring all of that trauma and never really recovering from it, Jesse and his mother have earned their tears and hopefully they’ll earn the reader’s tears too. This kind of hopefulness is what a dark and disturbing story needs every once and a while. Not too much of it, but this story had the right amount.

It’s also nice to see the sense of community among the residents of Salvation. It’s a small town, so everybody knows each other. I’ve lived in a small town before, so I know what that’s like. Coming together during a dire time of need is exactly what this town needed to feel credible. For years, Quincannon’s corporation has been terrorizing Salvation and getting away with it. It’s about time the citizens got sick and tired of being harassed. It’s about time they took Jesse Custer seriously as a sheriff. It’s about time they realized how badly they’re being wrecked by corporate interests. A nice little rebellion is what this story desperately needed. That too is heartwarming, probably just as heartwarming as Jesse’s reunion with his mother. I wish more small towns in America would stand up for their rights as much as Salvation ended up doing.

While I would have loved to see a continuation of the love triangle between Jesse, Tulip, and Cassidy (drug-induced hallucinations aside), I’m not giving up hope for that just yet as I have two more volumes to read before the canon is over. This was still an enjoyable volume to read, however. Yes, it didn’t feel as gritty as the previous volumes, but it didn’t have to be in order to earn my seal of approval. Imagine if I expected grittiness from every story I read outside of the Preacher series. That wouldn’t be fair, now would it? How does a passing grade sound, Mr. Ennis?

Hunter Killer

JEFF JARRETT QUOTE

I have sold my soul to the devil, because destroying your career was more important than destroying your life!

VERSE 1

You can’t fire me, you can’t retire me

You don’t pay my bills, you didn’t sire me

The real enemy is somewhere out there

Get him before he vanishes into thin air

I’m on your side, so swallow your pride

We fight the same battles deep inside

Friendly fire isn’t so goddamn friendly

When it’s a life you’re zealously ending

JEFF JARRETT QUOTE

I’ve taken everything I can from you. Everything! And taking your career was the final nail in your freaking coffin!

CHORUS

Hunter killer!

Psycho thriller!

Blood spiller!

Grave filler!

VERSE 2

Standing in line at the special office

To get my share of the corporate profits

Maybe if I stand here long enough

Everyone will remember to love

Everyone will forget this even happened

Everyone will contain their inner savage

Everyone will go about their own lives

Droning around in their corporate hives

CHORUS

Hunter killer!

Psycho thriller!

Blood spiller!

Grave filler!

VERSE 3

A hunter killer will never forgive

A hunter killer won’t let you live

A hunter killer will take everything

No matter how much it fucking stings

EXTENDED CHORUS

Hunter killer!

Psycho thriller!

Blood spiller!

Grave filler!

Hunter murderer!

Artwork burner!

Heel turner!

Friend deserter!

You Couldn't Pay Me Enough

VERSE 1

Take the blue pill and everything is chill

Take the red pill and you lose free will

Take the black pill and get your incel thrills

Take the green pill, say goodbye to your bills

CHORUS

You couldn’t pay me enough

To act limousine tough

To have it trust fund rough

You couldn’t pay me enough

VERSE 2

Why would I leave behind this life I’ve built?

Repeating your rhetoric would fill me with guilt

I won’t fire your guns, I won’t take your funds

I won’t drink the Kool-Aid, I’m not fucking afraid

I’d rather be poor than be a puppet on a string

I’d rather have a soul than some material things

I’d rather keep my word to flip the fucking bird

To anybody who wishes to watch me fucking burn

EXTENDED CHORUS 1

You couldn’t pay me enough

To act limousine tough

To have it trust fund rough

You couldn’t pay me enough

Everyone’s got a price

For acting cold as ice

Just for conservative love

You couldn’t pay me enough

VERSE 3

If everyone has a price, yours was pretty low

Lower than a hooker getting ready to blow

Lower than a dead body after death row

Lower than a meal for a hungry ass crow

You let the golden water put out your fire

You were so desperate to be the newest hire

Guns, religion, and xenophobic division

Babies born without the mother’s permission

EXTENDED CHORUS 2

You couldn’t pay me enough

To act limousine tough

To have it trust fund rough

You couldn’t pay me enough

Playing the role of bitch

Made you so goddamn rich

Whatever lullaby you love

You couldn’t pay me enough