Tyler Durden from Fight Club vs. Ron Christie: No Background Checks Necessary

 

Office Space

MOVIE TITLE: Office Space

DIRECTOR: Mike Judge

YEAR: 1999

GENRE: Comedy

RATING: R for language

GRADE: B

It feels weird watching this movie during the Great Resignation. Everybody in America is figuring out how bad their jobs are, so they’re leaving for higher ground. Monotony, low pay, uncaring bosses, lack of opportunities, these are all perfectly valid reasons to hate a job. The audience has no problem living vicariously through the main character, Peter Gibbons, who hates his white-collar job so much that he becomes an aloof slacker. What is he going to do for money? Well, that’s where you’ll have to watch the movie and find out. Whatever it is, it certainly won’t be crunching numbers at a pointless job. Building sympathy for the little guy is something this movie does well. It’s a shame it didn’t fare well at the box office, but its status as a cult film is more than deserved.

But if the movie is that good at making comedy out of a corporate miasma, then why am I giving it only a B grade? Surely, I could learn to hate work just as much as Peter Gibbons, Michael Bolton, and Samir…whatever his name is, right? As true as that might be, I only laughed a handful of times when I watched this. It could be my tapioca pudding brain malfunctioning on me. But if a comedy only makes me laugh a handful of times, then what’s the point? I did like Michael Bolton’s delivery as a character. I did like the courtroom dream that Peter had. I did like the…actually, I liked the…and wouldn’t you know it, my tapioca pudding brain with electricity inside can’t think of another instance where I let out even a little bit of a chuckle. Maybe my brain is so fried that I only have an appreciation for darker comedy, I don’t know. In any event, I didn’t laugh as often as I should have and that’s going to bring the grade down a notch.

But just because I wasn’t hee-hawing out of my chair, doesn’t mean I didn’t get any enjoyment out of watching this movie. Watching Peter, Michael, and Samir destroy a malfunctioning piece of computer equipment was so satisfying, considering my own Incredible Hulk rage towards such things. Watching Peter find happiness when he started the movie so miserable and out-of-body also made me glow like a light bulb. Listening to the gangster rap soundtrack to subdue Michael Bolton’s unfortunate name? Delicious piece of storytelling. There’s a lot of joy the average audience member can find in this movie. We’ve all had a condescending boss or teacher at some point in our lives. Rebelling against them is a fantasy everyone can enjoy no matter what level of work experience they have. “Level of work experience.” That’s a corporate buzzword if I’ve ever heard one. I’m sure Lumberg’s said that a few times off camera.

While the movie isn’t perfect by any means, it’s still appointment viewing for pretty much anybody who’s had it with corporate authority. Yes, the movie takes place in 1999 and might be a little dated in some places, but when has that ever stopped Mike Judge from predicting the future like he did with Idiocracy? Actually, he was off by 490 years, but hey, details, details. They matter about as much as a fraction of a penny. What does a fraction of a penny have to do with this plot? Watch it and find out. It’ll be yet another piece of anti-corporate satisfaction. I promise you. This movie gets four stars out of five, a B for Bureaucracy, and an 85% save progress bar. Seriously, you stupid computer, hurry up and save the files!

"Outro" by Limp Bizkit

“I’m here to tell you why the new Limp Bizkit album is so important. That’s because CD’s like this one spare you from all the chart-topping, teeny-bopping, disposable happy horseshit that brings up the bile from the back of my neck. I have no time or tolerance for those shitty whack acts like that. I wouldn’t piss on their CD’s to put out a fire.”

If you’re fortunate enough to own the Significant Other album by Limp Bizkit, you know about this gem of a rant at the end the CD by Matt Pinfield. In his words, we need some rock and we need something that has balls. Now, just imagine for a minute if you were an author and somebody gave you the kind of praise that Matt Pinfield gave to Limp Bizkit. Wouldn’t you like to be known as an author who spares people from disposable happy horseshit? I’d jump at the opportunity in a heartbeat.

But that can’t always happen. After all, authors aren’t known for being as aggressive as heavy metal bands when it comes to their craft. Let’s take Stephen King for instance. Everybody knows how brutal he can be when he puts his mind to it. He’s even brutal in his criticism of Twilight by Stephanie Meyer. But you have to admit that Stephen King’s aggression and Fred Durst’s aggression are two very different things. Authors have a quiet rage that settles down once pen is put to paper. Musicians and singers? They just scream it out until they’re mentally and physically exhausted.

When it comes to my writing, I will admit to being just as laidback and mellow as any other author. Yes, I can get down and dirty with the best of them, but there’s a reason why I’m not on stage right now strumming the hell out of an electric guitar. Aside from the obvious reason that I can’t play guitar, I don’t have the kind of aggression it takes to be in a metal band. I hardly even like it when I go to a concert and some rowdy asshole is yelling in the most obnoxious tone possible.

However, if you’re a literary critic and you feel like giving my e-books Matt Pinfield-style praise, I wouldn’t be against it. In fact, I would be grinning for the rest of my life. Deus Shadowheart and Dr. Scott Cain already have reputations of being literary badasses, even when their new home (Fireball Nightmare) is still under construction. If Deus heard that he spared people from disposable happy horseshit even during his most emotional moments, he would scream like the heavy metal freak he was meant to be.

Readers and heavy metal fans are two different groups of people. And yet, I represent both sides of the fence. I just might…you know…bring them together! Actually, no, I won’t. Alice Cooper, Max Cavalera, and Rex Brown have already done that with their published memoirs. Phil Anselmo will do it too once his book comes out in 2015. I’m not much of a fearless leader, but if Phil Anselmo and Max Cavalera bring me to the promised land, I will follow them every step of the way. Same thing goes for Fred Durst and Matt Pinfield.

　

***INTERNET DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

JAY HOWARD: Now come on, own up. Who really wrote “Sitka the Nose Biter”?

ME: I did, Jay-Pie.

JAY HOWARD: No blood and gore, explosions, or shootings? Not even poison? What happened to you while I was gone?!

"Have a Nice Day" by Mick Foley

When WWE legend Mick Foley tells you to have a nice day, you can be pretty sure that the rest of your day is going to be filled with barbed wire bats to the skull and pointed elbows through the chest. But in order to get that kind of recognition, Foley had to go through a lot of personal trials that made him as tough as he is today. Even though “Have a Nice Day” was published in 1999, it makes perfect sense in today’s world of wrestling. Like a lot of wrestlers getting their start in the business, Foley was broke and could barely pay for training. He also had a hard time paying for everyday expenses when he eventually emerged on the independent scene. So how was it that a moneyless wrestler with a Buddha belly become a WWE legend over the course of his lifetime? By paying his dues, that’s how. After continuing to press forward in the independent territories, he eventually had a job at WCW, a company that paid him very well despite him not being used to his full potential. Being well-paid is never enough for a wrestler to achieve his dreams of being a big star. Following his departure from WCW in 1994, he went to ECW and garnered recognition as a hardcore badass who loved to use weapons. After taking so many weapon strikes and dangerous bumps to the point where his career would have ended, he then jumped ship to WWE. Like a lot of youngsters that went to WWE from another company, Mick Foley’s character was crafted to perfection. As the raving lunatic known as Mankind, he had memorable matches with the likes of The Rock and The Undertaker, which eventually led to him winning the biggest prize in the industry: the WWE Championship. While there will never be a carbon copy of Mick Foley and the things he went through, it wouldn’t hurt if the young wrestlers of today read this piece of nonfiction as a guide on how to pay your dues in this business. Even though it’s well beyond 1999, these words still hold true to this day. As long as you train religiously, put on stellar matches, listen to the elder members of the business, and know your net worth in the wrestling market, you’ll do just fine in the treacherous waters of professional wrestling. Mick Foley did all of these things and even years after going into retirement, he’s a household name that nobody will forget. Some of the youngsters in the business today have perfected these strategies down to a science and have great careers because of it. If guys like John Cena, CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, Sheamus, Randy Orton, and Rey Mysterio can become greats by paying their dues, then that opens the door to any athlete who wants it badly enough.

　

***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

MICHAEL COLE: That ambulance weighs over 5,000 lbs!
JERRY LAWLER: Why would you want to weigh an ambulance?