Villains: Psychosis vs. Calmness

***VILLAINS: PSYCHOSIS VS. CALMNESS***

When I’m submitting short stories to the WSS, a common critique I get is to focus on writing about calm villains instead of psychotic ones. I admit, my borderline bipolar villains are fun as hell to write about, but I believe there’s a lot of truth in what Angie (the one who gave this advice) says when it comes to calm villains. Think about it for a minute: who would you be more afraid of: a guy who says, “I’m going to kill you” while cartoonishly laughing or a guy who says, “I’m going to kill you” while breathing calmly through his nose? Since cartoon characters don’t exist in the real world, you’re more likely to be afraid of the calm and collected guy.

Case in point, WWE Smackdown superstar Kevin Owens. A wrestling example? Again? You got that right! In his mind, he’s justified in his anger against Smackdown Commissioner Shane McMahon. Kevin believes Shane is showing bias against him and screwing him out of important championship victories. So what does Kevin do? He tells Shane to his face, “Your whole family would have been better off if you didn’t survive that helicopter crash. Your father, your wife, and especially your kids!” Shane beats the hell out of Kevin to where the latter threatens a lawsuit against the WWE (because authority figures aren’t supposed to assault the wrestlers (tell that to Stephanie McMahon)).

Shane’s father and CEO of WWE, Vince McMahon, makes an appearance on Smackdown to quash the potential lawsuit and put Kevin Owens in a Hell in a Cell match against Shane McMahon. Kevin, in his calm and collected manner, wants Vince’s word that he won’t be fired if he, “Beats a McMahon senseless.” Vince gives the okay, but without realizing that Kevin meant ANY McMahon. He heat butts the 70-year-old Vince and opens a deep cut in his forehead. The beating continues in the form of rib kicks, a super kick, and a frog splash. Kevin has a shocked look on his face like, “What the fuck did I just do?”

Next week on Smackdown, Kevin Owens, once again being the calm and collected villain he is, blames Shane McMahon for his father’s assault. His passionate tirade against the Smackdown Commissioner ends with, “For what I’m about to do to you at Hell in a Cell, people like me don’t go to Hell; people like me go to Heaven.” Imagine that last line being said through a cool demeanor. Creepy, huh?

The coolness becomes ice cold when the next week on Smackdown, Kevin Owens has a wrestling match with his longtime rival Sami Zayn. The match ends in a No Contest when Kevin power bombs Sami onto the corner of the ring apron (the hardest part of the ring) and possibly fractures his ribs and spine in the process. What does the calm villain do as Sami Zayn is being carted out of the arena? Well, he sits on the announce table and stares at Sami like he had just taken a bowlful of Prozac and washed it down with warm milk. Peace and quiet washes over Kevin Owens like warm and soothing beach water. It’s the loveliest feeling in the world for him.

Kevin Owens doesn’t have a cartoonish laugh. He doesn’t wear clown makeup. He doesn’t have bulging eyes and a nearly exploding forehead vein. He’s just this calm, cool, and collected tormentor who feels so numb that his brain might as well have been rubbed with Novocain. A straightjacket is too good for him. He needs a prison cell in the worst way. That’s how scary Kevin Owens is as a villainous wrestler. You don’t have to be a wrestling fan to appreciate how calmly psychotic he is.

Pay attention to those two operative words: “calmly psychotic”. It’s not just one or the other. It’s a combination of both, whether the psychosis is subtle or not. If Kevin Owens told you that he was going to rip your intestines out and feed them to vultures and coyotes, you’d better run as fast as you fucking can. If he told you he was going to show up at your home while you were away and hoped that your kids answered the door for him…well, you get the idea.

And then you have the other WWE example in this blog entry, the overly psychotic Bray Wyatt. Since 2013, Bray Wyatt has had the same gimmick of a backwoods cult leader. He would speak in these cryptic promos and he would back up his spookiness with a 300 lb. frame and a hard-hitting fighting style. He once had a choir of sheep-masked children sing, “He’s Got the Whole World In His Hands”, which was so spooky that it reminded me of the scene in Pink Floyd the Wall where they sang, “Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2”. Couple this with backwards tarantula walking, brainwashing abilities, a worm-infested compound to live in, and a bearded face with a head full of long dirty dreadlocks and you’ve got a recipe for psychosis.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I modeled a lot of my villains after Bray Wyatt. But on the advice of my awesome friend Angie, it could be time to at least try a new style: the calm and collected villain with a subtle psychotic nature. It could be a guy who picks the wings off of flies and keeps a straight face the entire time. It could be a handsome gentleman in a suit and tie who orders human jerky online. It could be a gentle and loving grandpa who instead of slashing the shit out of people, suffocates them with duct tape by covering their mouths and noses. This is already sounding pretty creepy to me, so yes, there’s a lot of truth in what Angie says. Happy early Halloween, by the way! We’ve got ears, say cheers! Hehehehehehe!

***POISON TONGUE TALES 2: THE RIGHT TO REMAIN PSYCHOTIC***

Despite the subtitle of this short story collection, this next piece could be my first real attempt at crafting a calm villain. He’s a politician, so being calm and charismatic comes with the territory. This story will be called “Peacemaker” and it goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

1.      Gerard Killings, Human Assassin

2.      Misty Blades, Fox Ninja

3.      Randy Schneider, Politician

PROMPT CONFORMITY: To be announced.

SYNOPSIS: Gerard has the unfortunate mercenary work of protecting Randy Schneider, a politician who is trying to introduce a bill that would legalize fox hunting. One night while Gerard is camping out in Mr. Schneider’s living room, the mansion is invaded by Misty Blades, an anthropomorphic fox who takes offense to the pompous politician’s anti-animal views. Gerard Killings has to decide between collecting a paycheck from Randy or giving into his disgust for his client and agreeing to help Misty. Either way, Randy Schneider isn’t a slouch himself; he’s armed with a peacemaker handgun while Gerard prefers a machete and Misty possesses a jagged katana.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Speaking of calmly villainous politicians, next on the chopping block is Randy Schneider. Maybe I could use Patrick Bateman as a reference model when I draw Randy. Or perhaps Alan Shores from the TV series “Boston Legal”. Or perhaps David Aceveda from “The Shield”. Whoever I end up modeling Randy Schneider after, it won’t be another chubby villain like I normally have. Marie Krepps likes to rib me over that, but she’s truthful in her friendly ribbing. It’s time for a change!

***WRESTLECRAP***

Another wrestling reference? Again? What’s with me and these…ugh…Anyways, now that Stuck Rubber Baby and Paper Towns are both in my rearview mirror, it’s time for a new book. Stuck Rubber Baby was a graphic novel and Paper Towns before it was a fictional novel, which means the next choice has to be nonfiction (that’s a new rule for me when I choose which book to read: I have to cover all three bases). Enter Wrestlecrap, a biography of the worst gimmicks and storylines in the history of professional wrestling, dating all the way up to 2003 when the book was published. So far, so good. It’s not earth-shattering, so it’ll probably earn a passing grade at best. I like it, though. I like it a lot!

***WRESTLING JOKE OF THE DAY (AGAIN?!)***

If Dude Love and Juice Robinson formed a tag team together, they’d be called Dude Juice.

"Countdown to Lockdown" by Mick Foley

“Thank you, Vince McMahon, for making my decision to leave WWE an easy one!” These were the words spoken by Mick Foley when he jumped ship from World Wrestling Entertainment to Total Nonstop Action Wrestling in 2008. If he hadn’t jumped ship, he wouldn’t have had an amazing match with Sting at Lockdown for the TNA World Championship. “Countdown to Lockdown” is a memoir that documents Mick Foley’s moments leading up to his main event match at that same pay-per-view along with the events that led him to leave WWE. This book was published in 2010, a time in Foley’s life where his wrestling career is on hold due to his advanced age and the many injuries he’s accumulated along the way. The number of matches he wrestled during the time documented in this memoir was not the normal amount that a much younger wrestler would have from week to week. One of the things Foley did to make himself useful within the WWE was color commentary on Friday Night Smackdown. Being at that booth was one of the many reasons why leaving WWE was so easy for him since Vince McMahon would actually scream and cuss at him through the headsets while he did commentary. And then you have the many storylines that Vince came up with that would have been worthy of an award for Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic in the Wrestling Observer Newsletter. The Katie Vick storyline was a huge example of this since it involved murder and necrophilia. And then there was the time Vince McMahon did a skit where he mocked Jim Ross’s colon surgery. But the one storyline that set Mick Foley off was Vince’s limousine exploding and apparently “killing” him. Foley felt that this storyline cheapened death around a time where a WWE superstar had actually died: Chris Benoit. Upon leaving WWE due to these disgraceful storylines, Foley trained hard to get in shape for the few matches he had in TNA. He practiced promotional monologues in order to get people to buy the Lockdown pay-per-view in the first place. All of his time and effort paid off in the end since his match with Sting turned out to be more than just “good enough for his age”. It was spectacular. These words are coming from a guy who doesn’t have any illusions about what he does or how long he’s going to do it, which makes the story all the more believable and Foley a likable guy. It also helps that he can be lighthearted in moments where he’s putting his body on the line and crack a few jokes. We may never know when Mick Foley’s wrestling career will end, but I certainly hope his creative writing days will continue beyond his retirement.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I have a question for Damien Sandow. If Michael Cole’s stupidity is a handicap, will he get a better parking space?”

-Jerry Lawler-

"Have a Nice Day" by Mick Foley

When WWE legend Mick Foley tells you to have a nice day, you can be pretty sure that the rest of your day is going to be filled with barbed wire bats to the skull and pointed elbows through the chest. But in order to get that kind of recognition, Foley had to go through a lot of personal trials that made him as tough as he is today. Even though “Have a Nice Day” was published in 1999, it makes perfect sense in today’s world of wrestling. Like a lot of wrestlers getting their start in the business, Foley was broke and could barely pay for training. He also had a hard time paying for everyday expenses when he eventually emerged on the independent scene. So how was it that a moneyless wrestler with a Buddha belly become a WWE legend over the course of his lifetime? By paying his dues, that’s how. After continuing to press forward in the independent territories, he eventually had a job at WCW, a company that paid him very well despite him not being used to his full potential. Being well-paid is never enough for a wrestler to achieve his dreams of being a big star. Following his departure from WCW in 1994, he went to ECW and garnered recognition as a hardcore badass who loved to use weapons. After taking so many weapon strikes and dangerous bumps to the point where his career would have ended, he then jumped ship to WWE. Like a lot of youngsters that went to WWE from another company, Mick Foley’s character was crafted to perfection. As the raving lunatic known as Mankind, he had memorable matches with the likes of The Rock and The Undertaker, which eventually led to him winning the biggest prize in the industry: the WWE Championship. While there will never be a carbon copy of Mick Foley and the things he went through, it wouldn’t hurt if the young wrestlers of today read this piece of nonfiction as a guide on how to pay your dues in this business. Even though it’s well beyond 1999, these words still hold true to this day. As long as you train religiously, put on stellar matches, listen to the elder members of the business, and know your net worth in the wrestling market, you’ll do just fine in the treacherous waters of professional wrestling. Mick Foley did all of these things and even years after going into retirement, he’s a household name that nobody will forget. Some of the youngsters in the business today have perfected these strategies down to a science and have great careers because of it. If guys like John Cena, CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, Sheamus, Randy Orton, and Rey Mysterio can become greats by paying their dues, then that opens the door to any athlete who wants it badly enough.

　

***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

MICHAEL COLE: That ambulance weighs over 5,000 lbs!
JERRY LAWLER: Why would you want to weigh an ambulance?