George W. Bush: a War Criminal Who's Somehow Not as Bad as Trump

 

Vanna White from Wheel of Fortune vs. Former Vice President Dick Cheney (Rest in Piss, War Criminal)

 

Vickie Guerrero vs. Eric Trump: Cougars Have Claws and That Doesn't Even Scratch the Surface (BA-DUM, TSS!)

 

Ben Stein: Clear Eyes Is Awesome, Conservatism Is Not

 

Paige Layle from TikTok vs. Adam Carolla from The Man Show: Dodging Accountability Like Alimony Payments

 

Stephanie Vaquer from WWE vs. Aaron Lewis from Staind: Low-Stakes Flirtation Lost in Translation

 

"Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk! Hey, Garrison! Why does Aaron Lewis look like Joe Rogan?"

Must you ask?

Richie Incognito: a Crybully Who Believes That Real Men Don't Cry...Which Means He's Ratting On Himself

 

Katie Miller: Provider of Workers and Soldiers for Our Capitalist Society

 

Bruce Friedman: The Michael Jordan of Book Banning and the Riley Gaines of Mediocrity

 

Fred Trump, Sr. vs. Chris Benoit: Contenders for Father of the Year

 

Blanka from Street Fighter II vs. Laura Ingraham from Fox News: A Masterclass in Malicious Compliance

 

Blackjack Randall from Outlander vs. Kyle Royce from TikTok: Guess Who's Winning Based On Their Filmography

 

Ted Cruz Will Lose

 

Glitch McConnell, I Mean, Moscow Mitch, I Mean, Old Age Mutant Ninja Turtle, I Mean...Fuck It!

 

Vivek Ramaswamy: Jesus Loves Him, Everyone Else Thinks He's an Asshole, Even His Own Party

 

Sgt. Emil Foley from "An Officer and a Gentleman" vs. JD Vance, an Officer Who's Anything But a Gentleman (Rest in Peace, Louis Gossett, Jr.)

 

Lori Chavez-DeRemer: Rated R for Republican

 

Judge Jeanine Pirro: Her Media Literacy Skills Are Sharper Than RFK's Heroin Needle

 

Dana Loesch: She Shoots from the Hip...at Unarmed Black People

 

Billy Corgan vs. Father James Mitchell: Are You High?

 

Getting kicked off The CW has caused Mr. Corgan some...Melancholy and Infinite Sadness.