Gunnery Sgt. Hartman from Full Metal Jacket vs. Schizophrenic Voices (Rest in Peace, R. Lee Ermey)

 

Sgt. Emil Foley from "An Officer and a Gentleman" vs. JD Vance, an Officer Who's Anything But a Gentleman (Rest in Peace, Louis Gossett, Jr.)

 

Balls Deep in War

VERSE 1

I logged a hundred hours playing Call of Duty

Neon sign on my head that says, “Recruit me!”

Shave my head right down to my brain

Just kidding, I flushed that shit down the drain

Sticks and stones may break my bones

But a Drill Sergeant’s insults will turn us all to clones

If I break down and cry, I won’t be paid to die

I want to go to war and blow that shit sky high

 

CHORUS 1

Balls deep in boot camp!

Balls deep in the corps!

Balls deep in push-ups!

Balls deep in war!

 

VERSE 2

Automatic rocket launchers, automatic bazookas

Hiroshima bombs on the chicks named Asooka

I thought her name was Asuka, but who really cares?

Her pile of ashes is blowing through the air

Semi-auto flamethrowers, Tech Nine shotguns

Colt 45’s? I don’t just got one

I got two of them bitches, ‘cause I want to be the killer

Be the turban slayer and the burqa lady thriller

 

CHORUS 2

Balls deep in Iraq!

Balls deep in Japan!

Balls deep in Israel!

Balls deep in Iran!

 

VERSE 3

I’m coming back home to abuse my girlfriend

Beat her ass like a drum until the world ends

Talk shit about Muslims like it’s going out of style

This is Jesus’s world, he’s gonna be here for a while

Get a job with the police, do anything I want

I’ll get away with murder even if I get caught

I was built from the ground up to fight a lost cause

Now I’m like John Rambo breaking vagrancy laws

 

CHORUS 3

Balls deep in therapy!

Balls deep in my wife!

Balls deep in divorce!

Balls deep in civilian life!

Balls deep in loneliness!

Balls deep in being poor!

Balls deep in debt!

Balls deep in war!

 

DIALOGUE

“The few! The proud! The marines! Because toxic masculinity is what built America!”

That’s not a good thing, yo…

A Love Letter to Advil

As a loud and proud member of Generation Y

I’ve got pain in my back and tears in my eyes

There’s a war going on in the base of my spine

Flamethrower marines screaming, “Your ass is mine!”

Battle axe barbarians chopping down the tree

Razor claw demons going on a killing spree

Can’t wait for the bone-cracker to fix me up

I need instant healing before I fucking erupt

They call it Advil, I call it magic in tablets

For when I can’t move without yelling, “Damn it!”

A bottle of water cold enough to freeze hell

Swallow the pills and the pain takes the L

Why go cold turkey when it feels so good?

It’s not like I’m floating through the neighborhood

It’s not like I’m a space cadet calling Major Tom

Or drunkenly fucking on Porn Hub dot com

Doesn’t have the same energy as cooking crack

Booger sugar wouldn’t do shit for my back

Don’t have a meth lab on the bottom floor

Not making poison pills out of a nuclear core

The magic medicine works, I’m off to bed

Maybe one day it’ll unfuck my head

I wrote a love letter to Advil liquid gels

More like a commercial with intent to sell

A drug deal without the DEA

Just a fucking parade from the FDA

Ninjas and Shit

GENTLE VERSE

The breezy beaches lit with tiki torches

The sunlight kissing the trees and porches

The purple skies caressing the horizon

Making sweet romance to the lovers’ island

Holding hands as the doves fly past

A passionate kiss, time doesn’t move fast

A foot massage with peaches and cream

Afterwards snuggling for a heavenly beam

AGGRESSIVE VERSE

Fuck that! I want some ninjas and shit

Barbarians beating asses in the spiky pit

Armored marines blasting alien bitches

A war that requires eight million stitches

A billion staples to close the wounds

A river of blood all over the room

And then a siege tank runs over all

BOOM! Splatters everyone against the wall

CHORUS

Bombs! Gasoline! Ninjas and shit!

Giant! Robots! Ninjas and shit!

Tits! Dragons! Ninjas and shit!

Ninjas and shit! Ninjas and shit!

DIALOGUE

“But what about the beauty of Shakespearian love?”

Rain down on that shit with fire from above!

“But what about the literary classics we know?”

Set a big ass time bomb and wait for it to blow!

“But what about the taste of the finest wine?”

Forget that garbage, your ass is mine!

“But what about…” Can it, Prince Edward!

Death and destruction are so much better!

CHORUS

Bombs! Gasoline! Ninjas and shit!

Giant! Robots! Ninjas and shit!

Tits! Dragons! Ninjas and shit!

Ninjas and shit! Ninjas and shit!

Gary-Stu

I spent a hundred years in the navy

The sexy siren is carrying my baby

I spent five decades in the marines

They all call me a fighting machine

I spent half a century in the army

No way could the enemy harm me

I spent ten years in the air force

I still don’t make sense, of course

I’m a Gary-Stu who’s lost at sea

Always carry machineguns with me

A battleaxe bigger than my body

Always imitated, but never copied

Except by those trying to make a buck

Make a fortune from negative luck

Put me in a videogame or paperback

I’m a macho man, genetically jacked

Everybody wants to buy my image

Everybody wants to laugh at critics

Everybody wants to look for tropes

Everybody’s given too much rope

Whatever happened to character depth?

Got slaughtered in a battle to the death

Everybody’s got their own little flaws

They don’t include too much brawn

They don’t include a nasty attitude

They don’t include a lazy aptitude

Three dimensional isn’t hard to achieve

All you have to do is make them believe

If a captain is going to be lost at sea

If a warrior is going to bleed, bleed, bleed

If a damsel in distress screams one last time

Put some reason in your fucked up rhyme

I Don't Have To

VERSE 1

Just because I won’t join the fucking army

Doesn’t mean I wear the clothes of Barbie

There is no shame in staying right at home

It’s better than being dead and buried alone

The drill instructors are too damn loud

The abusive authority is too damn proud

I won’t die for some rightwing agenda

Or have visions of war burned into my retina

CHORUS 1

I don’t have to and I don’t want to

I don’t care if “Uncle Sam wants you!”

They can do just fine without me

The war machine will not devour me

VERSE 2

Blaming a whole generation of people

Is just as bigoted and just as evil

Millennials figured out a long time ago

If you step on a land mine, it’s going to blow

Body parts are strewn across the desert

Staying at home sounds so much better

We’re not the cowards you make us out to be

We’re just like you; we were born to be free

CHORUS 1

I don’t have to and I don’t want to

I don’t care if “Uncle Sam wants you!”

They can do just fine without me

The war machine will not devour me

VERSE 3

Coming home in a wooden casket

Flowers on your grave in a woven basket

Going insane with the trauma of war

Held prisoner behind padded cell doors

Financially crippled, forever homeless

Forever damaged, forever hopeless

This is far from being the American Dream

It’s the American Nightmare, time to scream

CHORUS 2

I don’t have to and I don’t want to

Death and blood will forever haunt you

I don’t belong in a body freezer

It’s not betrayal, I’m not stabbing Caesar

NCIS: Los Angeles

TV SHOW TITLE: NCIS: Los Angeles
CREATOR: Shane Brennan
YEARS ACTIVE: 2009-present
GENRE: Crime Drama
RATING: TV-PG or TV-14, depending on the level of violence
GRADE: Pass


The NCIS Special Ops team solves Navy and Marine-based murders in Los Angeles using a mixture of raw firepower and technological brilliance. Every case they tackle has national security implications and creating international incidents would not be uncommon among the crooks. Through it all, this dedicated team of government agents has each other’s backs until the very end. There may be the occasional infighting, but loyalty and efficiency always come first when completing a mission.

As of today, there are three different NCIS shows: one based in Washington, DC, one based in New Orleans, and the subject of today’s review, the one based in Los Angeles. Out of all three of these franchises, Los Angeles can be considered the most action-packed, which is perfect for anyone looking to get out their primal urges. The shootouts are dramatic, the explosions are intense, the fight scenes are brutal, and every victory achieved by the NCIS team is earned with blood. Occasionally, there will be a Deus Ex Machina ending where a bunch of soldiers come in to save our agents asses, but they don’t come without a compelling explanation, hence why they’re not Deus Ex endings anymore. If you want raw action that makes Bruce Lee movies look like TV-Y snore fests, NCIS; LA is your kind of show.

But of course, no matter which part of the country NCIS is stationed, there will always be colorful characters that bring the series to life and give the audience a reason to be giddy, even if only for a few minutes before the heart-racing action begins. The two main agents are G. Callen and Sam Hanna, two guys who can have a conversation about anything and make it sound like a lot of fun. Then there are the two technical geeks, Eric Beal and Nell Jones, who can be described as delightfully nerdy and giggle-worthy. Then there are the two overseers, Director Henrietta Lange and Assistant Director Owen Granger, who while they both employ a more serious and stern conversational style, they’re still fun to watch since these are two people who make their opponents pay dearly for their sins.

I’d be remised if I didn’t mention the one partnership that everybody is starry-eyed and lovey-dovey about: Detective Marty Deeks and Special Agent Kensi Blye. Marty Deeks can be described as a smart-ass who can crack jokes at seemingly the most serious times. Kensi is the straight woman to all of Marty’s jokes. In fact, she has snarky remarks of her own that bring their chemistry to almost romantic levels on screen. NCIS: Los Angeles fans have been clamoring for these two to finally become a couple instead of just partners. After comforting each other for recent traumas they went through and being around when they need a good emotional breakdown, the fans are sooner than later going to get their chance. And when they do get together, it’s going to be television magic. The fan boys and fan girls will be doing back flips and somersaults, trust me on this one.

If a show comes on TV and it has the NCIS tag in front of it, don’t change the channel. NCIS: Los Angeles is no exception to this rule. It is fast-paced, it is witty, it is heartbreaking, and it will bring the audience and characters closer together with every episode. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wipe something out of my eye after talking about Deeks and Kensi, otherwise known as Densi.

　

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

DEEKS: Am I missing something here?

KENSI: Yeah, a cerebral cortex.