***BARBARIANS AND WIZARDS***
My brother James and I have this running gag in our
conversations where all of my thoughts revolve around barbarians and wizards.
Am I writing a new novel? It’s about barbarians and wizards. Am I watching a TV
show? It’s about barbarians and wizards. Am I taking Lego pictures? They
feature barbarians and wizards. While my brother is technically not wrong, he’s
also only half-right. Beautiful Monster’s main character is a warrior elf who
lashes the shit out of his opponents with a chain whip. Is he a barbarian? In
fighting style only. The main villainess of that story is a seductive sex
trafficker who rapes him. Is she a wizard? Not physically, but she’ll put a
spell on you anyways. Okay, maybe James is right more than half of the time.
Even my contemporary short stories and novellas have
elements of barbarian and wizard dynamics. My most recent first draft,
Incelbordination, features an angry, pugilistic dwarf as its main character. Is
he a barbarian? Well, he can rage like one, especially when he’s being bullied
or deprived of romance. So at the very least, he’s an emotional barbarian. But
what about the main villain of that story? Well, he’s a cult of personality
whose followers subscribe to the incel culture. He’s got his minions by the
balls and he won’t stop until the main character’s mind belongs to him. Is the
villain a wizard? If brainwashing is a magic spell, then yes, he could be a
contemporary version of a wizard.
What about the contemporary novella that came before Beautiful
Monster and Incelbordination? It’s called Silent Warrior and features an emo
high school senior with an eating disorder and a head full of trauma. Is he a
barbarian? Not physically since he’s a hundred pounds soaking wet while holding
an anchor. Emotionally? He very well could be. He’s got anger and disrespect
for authority down to a science. What about his social studies teacher? While
not a leader in any sense of the word, he still has a negative, conformist
influence over his students, much like the math teacher from Pink Floyd the
Wall. Is he a wizard? Again, brainwashing could be a spell, so yes, the social
studies villain could technically be a wizard.
Of course, my brother is clearly joking when he teases me
for being obsessed with barbarians and wizards. We both get a good laugh out of
it. But where did this obsession come from? Well, I’ve always liked the fantasy
genre ever since I watched James play Final Fantasy IV, Final Fantasy VI, and
Chrono Trigger on the Super Nintendo back in the 1990’s. But my barbarian and
wizard obsession didn’t start with those games specifically, although Ayla from
Chrono Trigger and Umaro from Final Fantasy VI could fit the barbarian role to
a fault. My obsession didn’t even come from playing Hero Quest as an even
smaller child (because the main classes the player could be included the
barbarian and the wizard).
I have Diablo II: Lord of Destruction to thank for my
obsession, specifically with barbarians. As a lover of RPG’s, I’ve always
enjoyed playing as the physical, in-your-face, melee range warriors. It didn’t
matter if their mana was drained, because physical attacks didn’t require it
and even if they did, the warriors could keep going and going in spite of it.
Once a wizard runs out of mana, he’s fucked, because he’s not strong enough to
go toe-to-toe with his enemies. Warriors, on the other hand, exemplify
self-sufficiency to the nth degree. The barbarian in Diablo II was always
lauded as an unequaled melee-range fighter. He could use two weapons at once, he
could withstand a shit-load of punishment, and he could dish it out like nobody
else.
Later in life, I would find out that the paladin was a
nastier brawler than the barbarian. Paladins can strike multiple times in one
sitting and they have magical auras that don’t cost a damn thing. My favorite
aura to give the paladin was cold elemental, which froze my enemies and slowed
them down to unbearable speeds. Plus, it added damage to my multiple attacks.
The paladin actually did more damage than my dual-wielding barbarian. But if I
had known this as a teenager, I probably would have developed an obsession with
paladins instead of barbarians.
Without my barbarian obsession, there would be no Deus
Shadowheart. Who is Deus Shadowheart, you ask? He was my Gary-Stu killing
machine, that’s who. He had been the main protagonist of my stories long before
I knew that Gary-Stu was a pejorative. He hacked off limbs, he ripped flesh
like it was Christmas paper, and he bathed in blood with every swing of his
axe. But unfortunately, this doesn’t make for a relatable character and if
there’s one thing readers love, it’s someone they can relate to. As of today,
he’s a character in a Poison Tongue Tales story called Deus Ex Machina, where
being a Gary-Stu works to the story’s advantage. Be sure to pick up a copy of
Poison Tongue Tales at your favorite online retailer! But seriously, I’m glad
Deus found a home he can be comfortable with.
My barbarian obsession didn’t end with just story
characters. I lived the gimmick as well. Okay, so I didn’t cannibalize and maim
everybody in my path, but I’ve got the attitude down pat. I scream in anger
whenever little things go wrong with my computer. I swear like a sailor
whenever the phone rings and it’s for me. I eat every meal like a pig and get
pieces of food stuck to my shirt. I burp and fart in public without saying
“excuse me”. I used to watch professional wrestling religiously before it
started sucking and the wrestlers themselves could be considered barbarians.
Hell, the current WWE Raw Tag Team Champions are a pair of Viking warriors
named Erik and Ivar. Even the Authors of Pain were barbaric in their fighting
styles and muscular body types before they were relegated to bodily function
jokes (AOP is short for Authors of Pain and can also be made fun of by saying
AOPee-Pee).
The one part about barbarian life I will never agree with is
the refusal to learn how to read and write. As a semi-professional author,
knowing how to read and write is a part of my fucking job! Hell, this blog entry
wouldn’t exist if I was illiterate. My college degree wouldn’t exist either.
But yeah, because barbarians exist on the fringes of society, they don’t have
the same access to education that the nobles would have. Would being educated
hamper a barbarian’s ability to rage? Not really. Once a barbarian, always a
barbarian. If anything, they’ll do what I did with my career and write crappy
novellas about wrestling and, you guessed it, violent battles involving
barbarians and wizards.
So why am I writing this blog entry to begin with if my
barbarian obsession was already obvious to everyone here? Because even though I
(allegedly) think about them 24/7, I need a reminder every now and then of
where my creative fuel comes from. Whenever I have days where I’m bored out of
my mind and mentally exhausted, I can feel my creativity dwindling away. I want
to energize myself and beat the shit out of the mentally ill demons that hold
me down, so this is what I have to do. Does it always work? No. Does my
depression, schizophrenia, and litany of mental illnesses get in the way
sometimes? Absolutely. It’s the reason why I can’t sustain an aggressive
writing career, so I have to work from the shadows. It sucks. It sucks badly
that my life is hampered by mental exhaustion and mental illnesses, but there’s
not a whole lot I can do about it…except for energize my creativity through
barbarians and wizards…and apparently orcish prostitutes, which was one James
recently added to my list of obsessions. Hehe!
I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try to enjoy the
daylight!
***QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“I know not what weapons World War III will be fought with,
but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
-Albert Einstein-
***POST-SCRIPT***
Actually, a barbarian might feel at home fighting with
primitive weapons such as sticks and stones.
