Barbarians and Wizards

***BARBARIANS AND WIZARDS***

My brother James and I have this running gag in our conversations where all of my thoughts revolve around barbarians and wizards. Am I writing a new novel? It’s about barbarians and wizards. Am I watching a TV show? It’s about barbarians and wizards. Am I taking Lego pictures? They feature barbarians and wizards. While my brother is technically not wrong, he’s also only half-right. Beautiful Monster’s main character is a warrior elf who lashes the shit out of his opponents with a chain whip. Is he a barbarian? In fighting style only. The main villainess of that story is a seductive sex trafficker who rapes him. Is she a wizard? Not physically, but she’ll put a spell on you anyways. Okay, maybe James is right more than half of the time.

Even my contemporary short stories and novellas have elements of barbarian and wizard dynamics. My most recent first draft, Incelbordination, features an angry, pugilistic dwarf as its main character. Is he a barbarian? Well, he can rage like one, especially when he’s being bullied or deprived of romance. So at the very least, he’s an emotional barbarian. But what about the main villain of that story? Well, he’s a cult of personality whose followers subscribe to the incel culture. He’s got his minions by the balls and he won’t stop until the main character’s mind belongs to him. Is the villain a wizard? If brainwashing is a magic spell, then yes, he could be a contemporary version of a wizard.

What about the contemporary novella that came before Beautiful Monster and Incelbordination? It’s called Silent Warrior and features an emo high school senior with an eating disorder and a head full of trauma. Is he a barbarian? Not physically since he’s a hundred pounds soaking wet while holding an anchor. Emotionally? He very well could be. He’s got anger and disrespect for authority down to a science. What about his social studies teacher? While not a leader in any sense of the word, he still has a negative, conformist influence over his students, much like the math teacher from Pink Floyd the Wall. Is he a wizard? Again, brainwashing could be a spell, so yes, the social studies villain could technically be a wizard.

Of course, my brother is clearly joking when he teases me for being obsessed with barbarians and wizards. We both get a good laugh out of it. But where did this obsession come from? Well, I’ve always liked the fantasy genre ever since I watched James play Final Fantasy IV, Final Fantasy VI, and Chrono Trigger on the Super Nintendo back in the 1990’s. But my barbarian and wizard obsession didn’t start with those games specifically, although Ayla from Chrono Trigger and Umaro from Final Fantasy VI could fit the barbarian role to a fault. My obsession didn’t even come from playing Hero Quest as an even smaller child (because the main classes the player could be included the barbarian and the wizard).

I have Diablo II: Lord of Destruction to thank for my obsession, specifically with barbarians. As a lover of RPG’s, I’ve always enjoyed playing as the physical, in-your-face, melee range warriors. It didn’t matter if their mana was drained, because physical attacks didn’t require it and even if they did, the warriors could keep going and going in spite of it. Once a wizard runs out of mana, he’s fucked, because he’s not strong enough to go toe-to-toe with his enemies. Warriors, on the other hand, exemplify self-sufficiency to the nth degree. The barbarian in Diablo II was always lauded as an unequaled melee-range fighter. He could use two weapons at once, he could withstand a shit-load of punishment, and he could dish it out like nobody else.

Later in life, I would find out that the paladin was a nastier brawler than the barbarian. Paladins can strike multiple times in one sitting and they have magical auras that don’t cost a damn thing. My favorite aura to give the paladin was cold elemental, which froze my enemies and slowed them down to unbearable speeds. Plus, it added damage to my multiple attacks. The paladin actually did more damage than my dual-wielding barbarian. But if I had known this as a teenager, I probably would have developed an obsession with paladins instead of barbarians.

Without my barbarian obsession, there would be no Deus Shadowheart. Who is Deus Shadowheart, you ask? He was my Gary-Stu killing machine, that’s who. He had been the main protagonist of my stories long before I knew that Gary-Stu was a pejorative. He hacked off limbs, he ripped flesh like it was Christmas paper, and he bathed in blood with every swing of his axe. But unfortunately, this doesn’t make for a relatable character and if there’s one thing readers love, it’s someone they can relate to. As of today, he’s a character in a Poison Tongue Tales story called Deus Ex Machina, where being a Gary-Stu works to the story’s advantage. Be sure to pick up a copy of Poison Tongue Tales at your favorite online retailer! But seriously, I’m glad Deus found a home he can be comfortable with.

My barbarian obsession didn’t end with just story characters. I lived the gimmick as well. Okay, so I didn’t cannibalize and maim everybody in my path, but I’ve got the attitude down pat. I scream in anger whenever little things go wrong with my computer. I swear like a sailor whenever the phone rings and it’s for me. I eat every meal like a pig and get pieces of food stuck to my shirt. I burp and fart in public without saying “excuse me”. I used to watch professional wrestling religiously before it started sucking and the wrestlers themselves could be considered barbarians. Hell, the current WWE Raw Tag Team Champions are a pair of Viking warriors named Erik and Ivar. Even the Authors of Pain were barbaric in their fighting styles and muscular body types before they were relegated to bodily function jokes (AOP is short for Authors of Pain and can also be made fun of by saying AOPee-Pee).

The one part about barbarian life I will never agree with is the refusal to learn how to read and write. As a semi-professional author, knowing how to read and write is a part of my fucking job! Hell, this blog entry wouldn’t exist if I was illiterate. My college degree wouldn’t exist either. But yeah, because barbarians exist on the fringes of society, they don’t have the same access to education that the nobles would have. Would being educated hamper a barbarian’s ability to rage? Not really. Once a barbarian, always a barbarian. If anything, they’ll do what I did with my career and write crappy novellas about wrestling and, you guessed it, violent battles involving barbarians and wizards.

So why am I writing this blog entry to begin with if my barbarian obsession was already obvious to everyone here? Because even though I (allegedly) think about them 24/7, I need a reminder every now and then of where my creative fuel comes from. Whenever I have days where I’m bored out of my mind and mentally exhausted, I can feel my creativity dwindling away. I want to energize myself and beat the shit out of the mentally ill demons that hold me down, so this is what I have to do. Does it always work? No. Does my depression, schizophrenia, and litany of mental illnesses get in the way sometimes? Absolutely. It’s the reason why I can’t sustain an aggressive writing career, so I have to work from the shadows. It sucks. It sucks badly that my life is hampered by mental exhaustion and mental illnesses, but there’s not a whole lot I can do about it…except for energize my creativity through barbarians and wizards…and apparently orcish prostitutes, which was one James recently added to my list of obsessions. Hehe!

I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight!

***QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I know not what weapons World War III will be fought with, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

-Albert Einstein-

***POST-SCRIPT***

Actually, a barbarian might feel at home fighting with primitive weapons such as sticks and stones.

Clue

***CLUE***

When older people tell you to put away your smart phone and interact with your friends and family, listen to them. Yes, text messages and Face Booking can be tons of fun, but none of it compares to the warmth you feel when you’re having a good time in the real world. It sounds ironic considering I’m typing this on my computer, but I wouldn’t be saying this if I didn’t just have an awesome game night with my niece Reina, my brother James, and his girlfriend Shara. We all got together one night and played the 2013 version of Clue. Shara won the first game, I won the other two, but that’s not the important part of this journal. The important part is, we’re closer than we’ve ever been because of that night.

Playing the 2013 version of Clue is more than just moving Sorry-like pegs around a square board while trying to solve a mystery. You can actually communicate with the other players and joke about how ridiculous the murder suspects look. Imagine that! But seriously, the murder suspects don’t look like devious people. The worst crime they’ve ever committed was wearing goofy hipster clothing, to which the fashion police would immediately administer the death penalty. Colonel Mustard doesn’t look like a real army soldier. He looks like he’s getting ready to record his debut auto-tuned album.

There are new rooms in the latest version of Clue. There’s an office where all of the geeky millennial technology is kept. There’s a “game room” where you can shoot pool and tea-bag your opponents on Halo. There’s also a bathroom in case Mr. Green has to drop a nuclear deuce that’s the same color as his name. Colonel Mustard has been in that bathroom so many times that it became another crime scene; it smells like a slaughterhouse!

Professor Plum had been a naughty boy that evening, or at least that was the general consensus among all of us. Maybe it was racial profiling of some kind. Can you really file a prejudice claim if you’re a purple people eater and a detective holds you in custody for more than six hours? Hell, he would have been purple anyways after getting a confession beaten out of him with the lead pipe during an hour of interrogation.

Yes, our three games of Clue felt more like standup comedy than an actual board game. But none of those jokes compared to what Shara did to make James crack up with ridiculous laughter. James was the one to make the accusation. Because Reina was seated to his left, she was the first one who was supposed to show him a piece of evidence. But instead, Shara showed Reina a piece of evidence in a moment she liked to call a “brain fart”. James’ laughter was so infectious that we were all cracking up like animals after that moment. Shara even jokingly threw her pencil at James after making a “monkey face” at him. Hehe!

I don’t care how many experience points you get from playing Diablo III. I don’t care how many likes your videos get on Face Book. I don’t even care how many short stories you’ve written. None of those technological moments can compare to sitting around the living room and laughing like hyenas throughout the whole night while making insensitive police jokes and joking about how the murder suspects look like hipster millennials. That, my friends, is why human interaction is more important than being imprisoned by technology. Yes, we depend on technology to get shit done these days, I’m no different. But no Skype chat or Face Book message can bring you the intimacy of human interaction. That’s why I don’t own a smart phone to begin with. I just have a generic cell phone that I only use when I need to bum a ride somewhere.

It won’t end with just Clue on a random Friday night. There’s going to be Scrabble (where I once got 40 points off of the word “bitch”), Dungeons & Dragons (which I’ve been itching to play for a while now), and maybe some Hero Quest if I can find a set that doesn’t cost 400 bucks on Amazon. I may be an introvert who craves privacy, but even I need my family and friends to be with me from time to time. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***

It’s a new week at the WSS and the theme they’ve got going on is “Sixth Sense”. I’m not sure if this synopsis fits the prompt, but I’m going to try anyways. It’s called “The Aeromancer” and it goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

Ryan Elkins, Patrolling Cop

Elizabeth Wilson, Aeromancer

PROMPT CONFORMITY: Elizabeth’s sixth sense is aeromancy, the ability to control wind.

SYNOPSIS: A powerful windstorm has knocked out the power in all of Dread City. With trees, power lines, and debris being blown in his way, Ryan patrols the city looking for people who need to get off the streets for fear of being injured in this storm. He sees a beautiful witch in the streets dancing and flailing her arms like she’s casting some sort of spell. When Ryan tries to coax her off the streets, it’s revealed that Elizabeth (the witch) is the one causing this windstorm using the ancient magic of aeromancy. When asked why she’s doing this, Elizabeth gives a speech about how technology is ruining lives and short-circuiting the power would bring families back together. A part of Ryan wants to do his job and arrest this woman while another wants to agree with her.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Moments before writing this journal, I drew a picture of Mathias Jorgenson from “Forever Autumn” just like I promised I would. However, I can’t use my scanner right now because I’m currently out of ink. Why I would need ink in order to scan a picture to the computer, I’ll never know, but it is what it is. I promise to upload Mathias’s drawing once I buy new ink cartridges from Staples. Until then, know that the next Dark Fantasy Warrior to come off the production line will be Viktor the Warlord from “Tiger Bullet Kick”. It’s been a long time since I’ve drawn a mummy. I believe the exact amount of time has been nine years. Holy shit!

***POISON TONGUE TALES***

I edited the hell out of the three M stories just like I promised; now the next three to come will spell out the word “NOO!!” with the first letters of their titles. I think it’s appropriate that they do. The stories are “Nail Bomb”, “Oswald the Giant”, and “Ottie-Doo”. Two animal stories and one that could never be accused of cuteness no matter how squeaky the baby doll’s voice is. This is going to be fun.

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Never walk out of a movie theater with your girl and say, “That Sigourney Weaver is a sexy woman!” Because later that night, you’re going to be sitting at home eating meatloaf going, “Hon, this meatloaf is a little dry.” She’ll say, “Well, why don’t you have Sigourney Weaver make you a meatloaf then!””

-Jeff Foxworthy-

Atlas Venom

NAME: Atlas Venom
AGE: 53
OCCUPATION: Dragon Barbarian
CANON: Zeromancer (both incarnations)


It shouldn’t be a secret anymore that my favorite character class in any RPG setting is the barbarian. It’s been that way since I’ve played Hero Quest in the early 1990’s, Diablo II in the early 2000’s, and Dungeons & Dragons 3.5 Edition in 2010. I also happen to be a big fan of dragons. They’re big, they’re nasty, and they breathe fire. It wouldn’t matter if it was a real dragon or one in humanoid form, fuck it, I love them anyways.

What do you get when you combine a favorite class with a favorite race? You get Atlas Venom, Dragon Barbarian. He’s got the scales and fire breath of a dragon and the heavy metal armor and giant battleaxe of a barbarian. You talk about crossover heaven? That’s it, man. End of story. Atlas motherfucking Venom.

As you can tell from his canon, Zeromancer had two different incarnations. One of them was as a movie script in 2009, which served as a prequel to Tower of Heaven, Tower of Hell, and No Towers No Bullshit. Zeromancer explained the origins of the trench coat wearing and machete wielding magi assassins as well as those of the Demonic family bloodline.

But more importantly, it had Atlas Venom as a side character. He was everything you could ever want in a heroic ally: big, strong, powerful, and capable of mowing enemies down while creating a thunderstorm of blood around him. Of course, this was before I knew what a Gary-Stu was. Atlas was very much a Gary-Stu since he just appeared out of nowhere without a background story and only his fighting skills to lend to the party.

The other incarnation of Zeromancer was a four-act novel, each act containing a completely different set of characters only for them to come together in the fourth and final one. Atlas could have just as easily created a storm of blood with his battleaxe prowess and fiery breath. But since he was billed as the main villain of act one, if he did this, we’d have no characters. I often wondered what would have happened if Atlas just went nuts and flattened an entire continent full of people.

The heroes of act one were no slouches, don’t get me wrong. Kento Bladecaptain was a robotic knight who was just getting the hang of feeling emotions despite warnings against it from his dark magic masters Calco and Tazz. The two wizards were so pissed off with Kento that they actually aligned themselves with Atlas Venom.

So now we’ve got a pissed off dragon barbarian and two dark wizards who team up to kick the shit out of the good guys. If it wasn’t for the hyperbolic writing style I employed throughout this story, I could have had an epic confrontation here. Why would I ever think hyperbole was an acceptable writing style? Maybe in comedies, but not if I wanted to be taken seriously as an action-fantasy author.

If I ever decide to use this overly powerful Gary-Stu in my novels again, he’ll definitely be a villain and he’ll need some personality. It’s not enough for him to be a pissed off dragon barbarian who rages through entire planets and slaughters everyone in his path. He needs a reason. He needs strategies. He needs minions. If he was just a mindless berserker, he wouldn’t need to be called Atlas Venom. He could just be a nameless force of nature. But I don’t want that for Atlas. I want him to be a respectable villain.

For a villain of that power to be believable, we have to go back to his barbaric roots. I know I mentioned Hero Quest as one of my influences, but Diablo II was the biggest influence I had when it came to my love of barbarians. And Diablo II had a pain in the ass mega demon for a final boss: Diablo himself. This guy would shoot flame circles and streams of lightning at the players and kill them off instantly. He could do it forever and ever since enemies don’t have a mana pocket.

What made him even more dangerous was Diablo’s motivation: bringing evil to the world. The middle ages were already a tough time for a lot of people, but with Diablo at the helm, it’s nonstop hell. What if Atlas Venom had a similar motivation? What if his form of hellish evil was his barbarian tribe of disgustingly powerful monsters? He might even be able to steal a catchphrase: “Not even death can save you from me!” It’s not enough just to kill someone; Atlas has to send chills down their spine. He can do that if I give him the breathing room to.

One of the ways I made Atlas creepy in the second Zeromancer was by giving him the facial features of a clown. He was still a hideous dragon, but he had clown features as well with white face paint, a goofy nose, and colorful hair. As if clowns needed more reasons to be scary, right? Perhaps it was overkill. Perhaps it was me trying too hard to make him an intimidating villain. If I actually believed the latter, then that’s basically me surrendering to the idea that we can’t have dragon clown barbarians. I say we can. It’s possible if you picture it in your mind. Pennywise and Ronald McDonald would shit their pants at the sight of Atlas Venom if he adopted a clown gimmick. Ooo, talk dirty to me!

If I reincarnate Atlas Venom, I’m going to attempt to have my cake and eat it too. He fits every archetype I could ever love in a dark fantasy character, dragons, clowns, and barbarians aside. With this many archetypes, he could actually be a believable villain with the creepy dialogue and disgusting facial expressions. I believe in him!

　

***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

RESTAURANT MANAGER: Quit being a hero! You’re going to get us all killed! Give him what he wants so we can all get out of here!

JULES: Shut the fuck up, fat man! This ain’t none of your goddamn business!

-Pulp Fiction-