Are You Shipping Me?

***ARE YOU SHIPPING ME?***

In honor of my supportive Deviant Art friend Patrick Doran a.k.a. The Lone Wolf, I’m bringing back a meme/game that I did for Occupy Wrestling where I randomly chose two characters from a long list and put them together as a couple. This time I’m using characters from my most recent first draft novels, Silent Warrior, Beautiful Monster, and Incelbordination. There are twenty-seven names on this list and I plan on burning through ten of them for the sake of this game (that means I’ll be shipping five different potential couples). These selections will be completely random and will not pay any mind to gender or sexual orientation. Are you ready to play America’s game? No, it’s not Wheel of Fortune, so step aside, Pat Sajak! This new game is called…Are You Shipping Me? Are you ready to play? Let’s get started! Here’s the list of characters I’ve compiled:

1. Adrienne Simpson, teenaged MPDG
2. Alan Young, high school bully
3. Aloysius Striker, puppet teacher
4. Antero Magnus, involuntary celibate
5. Beth George, overbearing mother
6. Carter George, dead father
7. Christian Savage, claw-wielding mercenary
8. Craig Dunham, jock bully
9. Julie Simpson, Adrienne’s mother
10. Kody Savage, chicken shit mercenary
11. Linda Williams, high school principal
12. Mia Barry, police detective
13. Michelle Xavier, elf queen
14. Misty Keith, student with Down’s Syndrome
15. Nikita Johnson, English student
16. Orpheus Rinehart, fat mercenary boss
17. Oswald Crow, lonely dwarf
18. Paul Corbin, surrogate history teacher
19. Scott George, traumatized student
20. Shelly Atwood, vampire rapist
21. Simone Archer, trauma therapist
22. Tarja Rikkinen, staff-wielding mercenary
23. Tom Simpson, authoritarian teacher
24. Torger Manson, vampire enforcer
25. Valerie Sand, English teacher
26. Wacey Judge, gym bully
27. Windham Xavier, whip-wielding elf mercenary

Spin the wheel or buy a vowel! Damn it, this still isn’t Wheel of Fortune! Piss off, Sajak!

***FIRST COUPLE: SHELLY X ANTERO***

I swear this couple pairing was only a coincidence, but Patrick and I joked all the time about how these two deserve each other. With Shelly Atwood, you’ve got a woman who destroys men’s self-esteem by forcing them into sex slavery. With Antero Magnus, you’ve got a guy with no self-esteem to begin with because he can’t get laid. The kicker? Both of these train wrecks are the villains of their respective stories, so try not to feel bad for either of them. In fact, be sure to wish them well as they tie the knot and spread misery and hatred across the land together!

***SECOND COUPLE: ALOYSIUS X BETH***

Considering both of these women are from Silent Warrior and they both play a pivotal role in Scott George’s life, I can definitely see them being a couple. Never mind the fact that Aloysius appears as a nightmarish puppet in Scott’s dreams. Hell, she can be one of those inflatable sex puppets if Beth so desired. Both women have a nasty habit of making Scott’s life miserable, whether in the dream world or in real life. They’re both bossy as hell, they both demand conformity and obedience, and if you read far enough into the novel, you’ll understand Aloysius’s most significant connection to Scott’s life. With Carter George dead as a doornail, Beth is ripe for the picking, so come on down, Aloysius! You’re the next contestant on The Price Is Right! Goddamn it, not you too, Drew Carey!

***THIRD COUPLE: TOM X PAUL (TAUL)***

Okay, so I tried not to bring spoilers into this, but in order for the context to make sense, I’m afraid I’m going to have to. So if you haven’t read far enough into Silent Warrior yet and you don’t want to be spoiled, skip past this one. But oh my god, you talk about cats and dogs, you’ve got Tom Simpson and Paul Corbin. Tom is known throughout the story as an autocratic teacher who demands conformity and even came up with his own quote for it: “Democracy is dead!” Paul Corbin replaces him and has a much more positive impact on his students. You think if Tom and Paul became a couple that there wouldn’t be any professional jealousy? Oh, goddamn, think of all the arguments they’d have!

***FOURTH COUPLE: WINDHAM X SCOTT (WINDHOTT)***

Unlike Tom and Paul before them, this couple could actually relate to each other on a personal level and the fighting would be kept to a minimum. They’re both mentally scarred from their experiences. They both fight for their individuality in a world that demands obedience. They both have the power to change the world, though Windham uses his whip for that and Scott uses his words. They’re both passionate when it comes to their relationships. And for all of you out there who are concerned about age differences, don’t worry, Scott is eighteen and one hundred percent legal. In fact, his age becomes a huge factor in how Silent Warrior plays out. But yes, Windham and Scott would make a cute couple despite the fact that Scott dresses like a hobo and Windham is this gorgeous man stud in shining armor.

***FINAL COUPLE: CARTER X TORGER (TORTER)***

For the sake of argument, Carter George, who started Silent Warrior as a dead body, will remain a corpse during his shipping with Torger Manson. And why not? It’s usually Torger’s stepsister Shelly who gets to “have all the fun” (and I’m saying that with a sour stomach). Torger needs love too (again, I say that with a bad taste in my mouth). Why should Shelly get to choose the slaves all the time (again, ugh!)? The closest thing to fun Torger will ever have is if his victims are dead. Given that he’s high on psychedelic mushrooms all the time, that’d be the only way he’d agree to this necromantic relationship. And that’s assuming Torger has standards to begin with, which is questionable at times during Beautiful Monster.

***CONCLUSION***

Our Final Jeopardy category is…goddamn it, Alex Trebek, get out of here! This isn’t your show! I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you next time! Are You Shipping Me is a production of Merv Griffin Enterprises and is distributed by King World…no, it isn’t!

***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

REINA: How was the Seether concert?

GARRISON: Fine.

REINA: Did you meet any cute girls?

GARRISON: A short girl locked arms with me during “Fine Again”, but I didn’t do anything in return.

REINA: This seems to be a recurring theme when you go to concerts. First there was that girl at the Slipknot concert who kissed your hand and now this.

GARRISON: There was also the time at the Pop Evil concert when a girl tried to dance with me, but I walked away from her when she elbowed another concertgoer.

REINA: Yeah, that was the right choice.

GARRISON: I have no idea why women are trying to seduce me at concerts.

REINA: Maybe a shape-shifter is after you. Maybe you’re the shape-shifter.

GARRISON: I’m not a shape-shifter.

REINA: That’s exactly what a shape-shifter would say if he was denying it.

GARRISON: Damn it, Reina, you say that with everything I deny being!

Creative Crossroads

***CREATIVE CROSSROADS***

Creatively, I have most of the things I could ever want as an author. I have six published books which are doing moderately well as far as reviews go. I have eight rough drafts which could be turned into awesome books under the right guidance. I have other creative outlets which give me the online attention I need as an author. But as far as marketing and putting myself out there go, I could be doing a lot more. I repeat: a LOT more. So I’ve decided to make a list of marketing techniques that will no doubt get me more views and book buys. Starting with…

1. Build a street team to promote my books (that’s a lot of fucking people)
2. Build a website (seems easy enough, right?)
3. Convert my Face Book page to an author’s profile (which means calling myself Author Garrison Kelly instead of using my real name)
4. Enlist the help of extra beta readers and editors (Ashley Uzzell is fantastic, don’t get me wrong, but getting multiple opinions is important to a book’s success)
5. Enroll in Skill Share classes about marketing (Jenna Moreci has an awesome one, I just need to sign up for Skill Share)
6. Find a time during the day where I have complete privacy from my family members and the phone (probably late at night, most likely)
7. Get a twitter account (fourth time is a charm, right?)
8. Get an Instagram account (even though it’s a veritable troll’s nest)
9. Get video editing software (for that special time of day when I’m brave enough to shoot You Tube clips)
10. Learn how to shoot videos on my digital camera (actually, I know how to do it, I just need the confidence to be in front of the judgmental lens)
11. Rent advertising space online

I have the time and funds to do pretty much all of these things (most of them are dirt cheap). So if these are the answers to my marketing problems, why am I not taking these steps right away? Well, that’s where the crossroads part of this blog entry comes from. I’ve been putting off discussing this topic for a while now, because I don’t want to be inaccurately perceived as lazy or uncaring.

The thing is, though, I’m not the kind of person who jumps into decision making right away. I’ve made a lot of shitty decisions in my life and I’m cautious about going back to those stressful days. Going to Western Washington University gave me the degree I needed to solidify my writing career, but being away from my family and friends that long made going to college one of the worst decisions in my life. I’ve applied for writing jobs that turned out to be creativity crushers and stress magnets. I’ve traveled to places that turned out to be shitty vacation destinations at best. I could go on and on when it comes to long-term decisions that have gone sour.

When it comes to book marketing, the worst that could happen is undue stress, which doesn’t seem like a big deal on the surface. But when you consider that I’m operating on a schizophrenic and autistic brain, stress is my worst enemy. To hear other authors describe the marketing process makes it sound like they’re having their teeth pulled. I’ve even heard one author describe it as working at least five hours a day. I’ve heard another describe it as eight hours. Or twelve. Or more. On top of all these marketing chores, they also have to write every single day in order to stay sharp. That’s a lot of responsibilities and it can get overwhelming.

Here’s where I’ve come to a crossroad. On one hand, I can keep doing what I’m doing and live comfortably for the time being, but my career would be stagnant forever. On the other hand, I could take all these necessary steps and throw myself into the fire, where the risk is schizophrenic and autistic stress and the reward is being well-known in the world of writing. It seems like an easy decision to an outsider, but when you’ve got my mind and my circumstances, it’s a decision that I can’t take lightly like I have the other ones in my life (which ended up being poor choices).

I know I talk about making bad decisions all the time, but this time, it could determine where I go from here as a writer. Do I live comfortably and go nowhere or do I overwhelm myself and have a slightly better chance at rising above mediocrity? And don’t think for a minute that this has anything to do with being a “snowflake” or a “momma’s boy” or whatever the case may be. It’d just be nice to have a safety net to catch me when things go haywire, that’s all.

I’m Garrison Kelly! As soon as forever is through, I’ll be over you!

***FAMILY DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

REINA: Garrison, no sleeping at the table. You’re not five anymore.

JAMES: He’s just mad because we’re not talking about barbarians and wizards.

GARRISON: That’s not all I write about!

JAMES: Yes, it is!

REINA: He also writes about necromancers and scatomancers.

JAMES: Those are wizards too.

GARRISON: You’re stereotyping me!

***POST-SCRIPT***

This coming Friday, I’m going to Seattle to watch Papa Roach put on a live show, with Nothing More and Escape the Fate as their opening acts. It’ll be my third time seeing Papa Roach live, but it’ll be my first time seeing the other two bands. I’ve especially wanted to see Nothing More live since they always put on elaborate performances. I’ll try to get my creative work done before the night of the concert, but no promises.

The Last Aqua Man

***THE LAST AQUA MAN***

Remember a blog entry a few weeks ago about my childhood soccer team The Thunder Eagles? Well, that wasn’t just a fun story. It’s now an undeveloped idea for a novel somewhere down the line. The reason Silent Warrior resonated so well was because it was loosely based on real experiences I had. The Last Thunder Eagle, as it’s now called, will hopefully resonate as well since I used to be a sore loser. In some ways, I still am a sore loser and perhaps this novel idea is what will exorcise those demons forever. But that’s neither here nor there. I’ve already written the first chapter of Beautiful Monster and I intend to see that one through to the epilogue. Wish me luck!

But as long as I’m being inspired by stories from my past (that thankfully aren’t too traumatic), I might as well throw another one out there and see if it sticks. In the same way The Last Thunder Eagle is intended to be about soccer, The Last Aqua Man will be about swimming lessons, should it ever become a novel idea. When I was a kid, I already knew how to doggie paddle from point A to point B. But that just wasn’t enough for some reason, so my parents signed me up for swimming lessons at the community pool. Although I didn’t get hit with any soccer balls or knocked down, I still was not a happy camper.

There were six different levels of difficulty for these classes: Beginner’s Level Parts 1-4, Intermediate, and Advanced. During both rounds of swim lessons, I was placed in Beginner’s Level 4 and never passed to the next tier. One of the big reasons for this was because I hated sticking my head underwater without plugging my nose first. I hate water in my nose, I hate coughing it up, I hate blowing it out, and I hate water in my ears. I would have worn a pair of goggles that protected my nose, but the swim instructors wouldn’t let me use them. Instead they suggested that I hold my breath before sticking my head underwater. Didn’t work. I ended up feeling like a whitewashed version of Crazy K from Tales from the Hood. I know I make that reference a lot, but there aren’t a whole lot of movies out there where somebody shoves IV straws up another man’s nose, so that’s all I’ve got to work with.

During the second season of swim classes, one of our assignments was to dive right into the water, head first, arms extended. The first time I did this came without incident. In fact, my parents applauded me from the sidelines. And then with every successive time came more water in my nose and throat and not enough ways to expel it. After a while I just refused to dive and instead did a pencil jump while holding my nose shut. I already told you guys that I never passed either season of classes, but at this point I didn’t give two shits and a flying fuck. I was the Last Thunder Eagle and the Last Aqua Man all in one childhood. Sports really aren’t my thing after all. Hell, even gym class in general was an exhausting nightmare at times.

When I talked about The Thunder Eagles, I mentioned how soccer could be improved if hardcore violence was allowed. Well, I don’t think the same could be said for this blog entry. My misery was nobody else’s fault…this time. Nobody pushed me in the pool. Nobody tried to drown me. Nobody splashed me while I had my clothes on. Who was I going to beat the crap out of? The closest I could ever come to that would have to be literally cutting my nose off to spite my face. Yeah, that’s right! It’s my nose’s fault for allowing water to get in there in the first place. That’s not what noses are for! Isn’t that right, Melanie Good’s character from Die Watching? Now there’s a reference absolutely nobody is going to get…unless you’re into that sort of thing. Then again, “that sort of thing” is the only reason why I know that movie exists. How sad. How relentlessly sad.

So how exactly would The Last Aqua Man become a reasonable story? Would it be too similar to The Last Thunder Eagle? Am I just destined to write novels about sore losers my entire career? Mitch McLeod was a sore loser (when he did lose, which was not often). Mario Bryan was a sore loser. And now the main character from The Last Thunder Eagle, a ten-year-old named Alex Woodley, is going to be a REALLY sore loser. Brock Lesnar once said it best: in order to know how to win, you have to know how to lose. He was a sore loser in college and so am I in the real world.

And that’s the thing about life itself: failure is inevitable, but it’s how we react to it that will determine future success. Some people will pick themselves up and dust themselves off to go to work the next day. Others will crumble under the pressure and give up altogether. There were some things in my life that were worth continuing and some that I gave up on. I gave up on playing the guitar because I couldn’t move my fingers quickly enough across the frets. I gave up on playing Street Fighter IV because Abel kept getting cheap victories over me. I gave up on playing Magic: the Gathering because it became more about capitalism rather than the love of the game.

But when it comes to my creative outlets, mental health, and physical health, those are things I will never compromise on. These three things can’t exist without each other. I write for a living. I work on other creative endeavors for the love of art. I need a clear mind to do those things. And as far as physical health goes, I know my bulging belly will tell you otherwise, but I’ve actually lost a lot of weight in the past few months. I eat only three meals a day without snacking on sugary foods, I walk long distances whenever it’s nice outside, and I drink a lot of unsweetened iced tea. A lot! I haven’t kept track of how much weight I’ve lost, but I know I must be doing something right, because I can make it up and down the stairs without being overly winded. I guess there is life beyond childhood soccer and swimming. I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!

***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

ME: You know, Reina, there was once a time when I considered Squall Leonhart from Final Fantasy VIII to be my own personal hero. He had no emotional attachments, no unnecessary relationships, and he mastered the art of giving zero fucks.

REINA: So basically your hero was an angsty teenager?

ME: No, that’s not what he is!

REINA: He sounds like an angsty teenager, Garrison. I bet he listens to a lot of Linkin Park.

ME: Final Fantasy VIII came out a few years before the first Linkin Park album.

REINA: He still would have listened to them.

Favorite Book Memories

***BEFORE I BEGIN***

I hope everybody had a wonderful Christmas this year, filled with family togetherness and of course, plenty of sweet ass presents (can’t forget those, hehe!). One of the things I got this year is shower gel that looks like a blood bag. I wonder what I’ll look like after I scrub myself with it. I’ll probably look like I just came back from a violent mosh pit. Oh dear. Hehe!

***FAVORITE BOOK MEMORIES***

Of course, the key to celebrating a holiday successfully is gratefulness for everything and everyone you have. And thus we have the topic for today’s blog, my five favorite book memories. This was originally done in a You Tube video by fellow author Jenna Moreci and I figured it was a good idea for me to do a list myself. Five doesn’t have to be the definitive number, but it’s one that works for both me and Jenna Moreci. If any of you, my lovely readers, want to do this, you’re more than welcome to. I’m actually curious to see what you guys put down as your favorite book memories. This can be anything from reading a book to writing one to buying one to…anything, really. Without flapping my gums any further, here are my top five in no particular order:

1. Reading “The Cleaner” by Brett Battles and becoming a full-time reader because of it. Stephen King said it best when he claimed if you don’t have the time to read, you don’t have the time nor the skills to write. I didn’t start taking this advice seriously until mid-2009 when I only had one more college class to take before I graduated. I certainly wouldn’t have become a born-again reader with the novels and memoirs my teachers had me read in college. While some of them were good and therefore worth rereading, most of them bored me to tears and made me regret taking those classes. I know college is supposed to be more about education than entertainment, but come on, seriously? When I read Brett Battles’ spy novel “The Cleaner”, I learned how much fun reading really can be. It was a fast paced book that spared me from the feeling of dragging my eyes across concrete. And thus began a long legacy of awesome reading and hopefully awesome writing on my part to go with it. I say hopefully with a lot of emphasis.
2. Joining the WSS. I know this sounds like I’m sucking up, but trust me, it isn’t. Sucking up implies that you don’t mean what you say. When I say that joining the WSS was one of the five best book-related things to happen to me, I say it with every fiber of my being. This Good Reads group holds weekly short story and poetry contests with no special prizes, just a friendly victory. Even more important than getting a victory is getting helpful advice from your peers, who in this case are empathetic and wise when it comes to their critiques. They taught me so much over the years and motivated me to turn the first installment of American Darkness into something that wasn’t cow shit. I’m still a zealous member of the WSS today and will be until the end of forever.
3. Befriending Marie Krepps. Just like the WSS, Marie, my beautiful beta reader and critique partner, has shown me the light when it comes to pumping out readable works of art. Her own published books and short stories are always delightful to read, so she knows what she’s talking about. She has a wicked sense of humor when she critiques my work, thus making the process as painless as possible. Unfortunately, she currently has a lot going on in her life that keeps her from doing what she wants to do, but even so, I’m grateful for every piece of advice and every review she’s given me over the years. I hope she can get things sorted out soon, because there are times when I miss having my Babe-a-Licious Mondo around. I call her that because of the Bubblicious Mondo chewing gum commercials of the mid-1990’s. She loves it. Hehe!
4. Reading “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky. Never before has a book ripped my heart to shreds and glued it back together again like this simply-written piece of young adult literature. A la Charlie, I know what it’s like to sit on the sidelines and love my favorite women from afar. We’re both introverts who don’t want to screw things up by putting ourselves out there. We both need our Sams and Patricks to bring us out into the light. While Charlie got to have the social experiences he wanted, I remain in the darkness. I am both frustrated and heartbroken when I see things through the eyes of Charlie. Thanks, Stephen Chbosky, for bringing me closer to tears than I’ve ever been.
5. Writing the Poison Tongue Tales story “Sitka the Nose Biter”. On the surface, this seems like just another fantasy story lost in the shuffle of much bigger projects. But Sitka the Nose Biter has sentimental value to me. The main character, Sitka, is a real life cat I adopted back in 2013. Her gray puffy fur and diva-like face reminded me of a witch or a cookie monster. Apparently, the people at Cat of the Day dot com had the same cute opinion of her and wanted to feature her on the homepage of their site. Because of Sitka’s celebrity status, an old WSS friend named Nicky encouraged me to write a children’s short story based on the little sweetie pie. And thus began the rolling snowball of stories based on pets I have and Cat/Dog of the Day nominations for those same animals. Another sentimental part of this story is that it was written two weeks after I wrote a short story called “Tainted Love” that angered a lot of my readers for being sexist. I felt extreme sadness over the course of those two weeks, but perked right up when everyone ooed and ahed over my lovable Sitka girl.

So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen: my five favorite book memories over the course of my career, which actually began in 2009 since that’s when I started taking reading seriously. All of the movie scripts and videogame synopses I wrote before that don’t count since I was flying blind the entire time. Plus, looking back at those old pieces of writing, I’m secretly proud of how far I’ve come since then. As a bookmark I had in fourth grade once told me, “Readers are leaders!” It’s a cheesy slogan that my dad beat to death on a regular basis, but it’s no less true. Reading is an educational and imagination-provoking experience that everybody should have. The key is finding what you like and not being discouraged by what bores you. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***AMERICAN DARKNESS 3***

And now that we’re on the topic of old writing, here’s a synopsis I wrote back in 2013, which is painfully obvious based on how fucking short it really is. It’s for a story called “Don’t Tell Me Who to Love” and it goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

1.      Rich Lucas, College President

2.      Keith Hamlet, Math Professor

3.      Vikki Peters, Keith’s Student Affair

PROMPT CONFORMITY: To be announced.

SYNOPSIS: Rich calls Keith into his office for a possible termination due to the latter’s affair with Vikki. Keith gives his boss false answer after false answer until he can’t stand it anymore and tells him, “Don’t tell me who to love!”

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Because my current list of truly unique American Darkness 3 characters is depleting fast, I’ve added nearly the entire roster of what will be called Poison Tongue Tales 3 to the list. While the next character won’t be from that series, she will be from a novel I’ve been hesitant to write due to its mature content rating and possible offensiveness. She’s Tina Ryan, a sultry guitarist from Puberty X Piracy. Wish me luck!

***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

REINA: Chew with your mouth closed!

ME: I’m an American! I can eat however I want! I’m more American than Hulk Hogan!

REINA: Mouth closed!

ME: You’re infringing on my American rights!

REINA: You’re infringing on my ears!

Five Finger Death Punch X Shinedown Concert

***BEFORE I BEGIN***

Halloween has come and gone, so I’d like to speak a little bit about mine. As many of you know, it’s one of my favorite holidays of the year due to the dark fantasy creative fuel that comes from it. Ghosts, goblins, mummies, warlocks, necromancers, Halloween has the whole nine yards. I could write short stories and novels for days with this kind of inspiration, as dark fantasy is one of my favorite genres of books, movies, and videogames. Because I love scary themes so much, I dressed in a Slipknot mask (Mick Thomson’s take on Hannibal Lector), red Hawaiian shirt, blue pajama pants, and green cloak. Reina referred to my costume as a “random creepy guy” and I couldn’t really disagree with her. I collected a few frightened reactions on Halloween as well as a shit load of candy from Reina and I venturing to different neighborhoods in Port Orchard. It was a fun night, but make no mistake about it, at my weight and my age, it was an endurance test. I begged my mom to take me to the chiropractor after Halloween and that’s what we’re going to do sometime this week. I’m not as energetic as I used to be, which is why whenever I go to concerts, I now pick seated tickets instead of general admission floor tickets, which makes a nice segue for the main topic of this journal.

***FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH X SHINEDOWN CONCERT***

This coming Saturday November 5^th, Five Finger Death Punch is going to headline a show at the Tacoma Dome with Shinedown, Sixx AM, and As Lions opening for them. I’ve been a Five Finger Death Punch fan since 2012 and continue to rock out to their badass speed metal and melodic tunes. I only started listening to Shinedown on a regular basis when WWE Raw used their song “Enemies” for the opening theme music. I’ve only heard one Sixx AM song my whole life and that was “Rise” (damn good song if I say so myself). I’m not familiar with As Lions, but I hear the singer is the son of a heavy metal legend. Four badass heavy metal bands, one night of awesomeness. I may be doing some writing or other art work that day, I may not, depending on my energy level during that general timeframe. I jokingly refer to music concerts as one-day vacations, which means despite my temporary absence from the internet, I’ll always be back for creative work. In the words of Ivan Moody, “Let’s burn this motherfucker to the ground!”

***DEMON AXE, CHAPTER SIX***

Detective Shawn Henry is having a busy night at the crime lab doing some bureaucratic bullshit for what should be an easy case. Naturally, he’s exhausted and bored out of his mind. He can’t wait to get home to his family. Roger Zee, who waits in the shadows for Detective Henry to be by himself in the crime lab, holds him hostage at blade-point and even reveals that Shawn’s family is also being held hostage in a mysterious location. Roger will let the Henry clan live in exchange for unlimited access to police resources, whether it’s computer databases, cop cooperation, or those lovely pieces of military equipment they love to flaunt so much. Will Shawn crack under the pressure and give into Roger’s demands or will things get bloody in a hurry?

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

As long as I’m opening this journal with a brief discussion of Halloween, I might as well bring up the biggest piece of dark fantasy news of all, the next entry in the Dark Fantasy Warriors collection. World, meet Bradshaw, a badass Kord-worshipping cleric whose biggest claim to fame is texting during a battle with a bloodthirsty dragon. He let his party down in a big way, but he still looked like a champ doing it. Bradshaw was a D&D character in the short story “Emoticon Artist”, being controlled by a sorrowful millennial named Beth Bradshaw. In fact, all of those D&D characters were named after the players’ surnames. That is what a creative genius I am. Cue the eye rolls.

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Right between your eyes! Nowhere to hide! Click-clack, reload! Click-clack, unload! Life ain’t on your side! You’re out of time! Click-clack, reload! Click-clack, unload!”

-Five Finger Death Punch singing “No Sudden Movement”-

Crazy Days

***CRAZY DAYS***

The past few days have been crazy for me and my family. They may have had an impact on my creative life, they may not have. Either way, if I don’t write this journal entry, I feel like it’ll be a wasted opportunity. Make of these three stories what you will.

***DALE***

This past Friday, my step-dad Dale was taken to the emergency room for flank pain. The hospital did all sorts of tests on him to find out why and it turns out he has a massive kidney stone. They’ve tried to flush it out of him, but the stone is too big to pass through, so earlier today, they had it surgically removed. As of now, I haven’t had an update as to how the surgery went, but I imagine Dale will just want to relax and take it easy when he’s finally discharged from the hospital. He can watch all the basketball and detective shows he wants with Sitka sprawled across his lap. I’m positive about his ability to recover from this since he’s had worse and survived that. I just hope he’ll be in a laughing mood when I do impressions of him and his funny dialogue during car trips.

***RAT INFESTATION***

Ever since the start of this year, it’s been the Haines-Temons-Stevens-Wilson family going to war with wild rats, who have invaded our home and came out of the woodwork whenever they damn well wanted. We’ve had rats in our kitchens and bathrooms mostly and over the last few months we’ve made progress with curtailing their population. And then a few nights ago as I was trying to sleep, I saw a giant rat running around in my room looking for hiding places. It ran behind my mini-fridge, behind my computer desk, underneath my TV stand, and across my bookcase. Naturally, I was so scared that I lost sleep over it. We tried to trap it last night, but the little fucker didn’t take the bait. I know what you’re thinking: how can an animal lover like me condone trapping wild rats? You should probably ask the same question to anybody living in medieval England during the black plague. Except you can’t, because they’re fucking dead!

***CHILD LURING***

Earlier today, there was an incident in which someone in a blue truck with an extended canopy drove around our neighborhood looking for little kids. A police report has already been filed, but the only information we’re missing is the driver’s license plate. I have a twelve-year-old niece named Reina who likes to walk to the convenience store and the school playground every once and a while and I’ll be damned if she becomes the next Jaycee Dugard. The truck shouldn’t be too hard to find, so I hope the police catch this asshole before he actually succeeds in kidnapping a little girl.

***CONCLUSION***

The thing to remember during these “crazy days” is that if you believe you can get through them, you definitely will. While these three stories are still in the process of resolving themselves, I’m confident that things will be back to normal in no time. I’ve got a creative task list a mile long and I’d love nothing more than to knock the items off that list like a wild motherfucker. We can do this, people. We can do this!

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Excuse me, sir, can I see your driver’s license? No, sir, I don’t need a beer and I don’t think you do either. Mr. Foxworthy, do you know why I pulled you over today? It concerns the vehicle you’re towing behind you. No, sir, it’s not against the law to tow a boat, but we do require you put it on a trailer. Can you ask your friends to get out of the boat please? I don’t give a damn if the fish are biting, I said ask your friends to get out of the boat. Hell, you dropped a skier about a mile back there.”

-Jeff Foxworthy doing an impression of a patrol cop pulling his dad over-

***POST-SCRIPT***

One of the ways you can get through a hard time in your life is by enjoying comedic moments whether they’re from Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, George Carlin, or any other source of giggles and chuckles. I hope that Jeff Foxworthy bit was to your guys’ liking. Keeping with the theme of positivity, I saw Ghostbusters last night at the Regal Cinemas and it was fucking awesome!

Clue

***CLUE***

When older people tell you to put away your smart phone and interact with your friends and family, listen to them. Yes, text messages and Face Booking can be tons of fun, but none of it compares to the warmth you feel when you’re having a good time in the real world. It sounds ironic considering I’m typing this on my computer, but I wouldn’t be saying this if I didn’t just have an awesome game night with my niece Reina, my brother James, and his girlfriend Shara. We all got together one night and played the 2013 version of Clue. Shara won the first game, I won the other two, but that’s not the important part of this journal. The important part is, we’re closer than we’ve ever been because of that night.

Playing the 2013 version of Clue is more than just moving Sorry-like pegs around a square board while trying to solve a mystery. You can actually communicate with the other players and joke about how ridiculous the murder suspects look. Imagine that! But seriously, the murder suspects don’t look like devious people. The worst crime they’ve ever committed was wearing goofy hipster clothing, to which the fashion police would immediately administer the death penalty. Colonel Mustard doesn’t look like a real army soldier. He looks like he’s getting ready to record his debut auto-tuned album.

There are new rooms in the latest version of Clue. There’s an office where all of the geeky millennial technology is kept. There’s a “game room” where you can shoot pool and tea-bag your opponents on Halo. There’s also a bathroom in case Mr. Green has to drop a nuclear deuce that’s the same color as his name. Colonel Mustard has been in that bathroom so many times that it became another crime scene; it smells like a slaughterhouse!

Professor Plum had been a naughty boy that evening, or at least that was the general consensus among all of us. Maybe it was racial profiling of some kind. Can you really file a prejudice claim if you’re a purple people eater and a detective holds you in custody for more than six hours? Hell, he would have been purple anyways after getting a confession beaten out of him with the lead pipe during an hour of interrogation.

Yes, our three games of Clue felt more like standup comedy than an actual board game. But none of those jokes compared to what Shara did to make James crack up with ridiculous laughter. James was the one to make the accusation. Because Reina was seated to his left, she was the first one who was supposed to show him a piece of evidence. But instead, Shara showed Reina a piece of evidence in a moment she liked to call a “brain fart”. James’ laughter was so infectious that we were all cracking up like animals after that moment. Shara even jokingly threw her pencil at James after making a “monkey face” at him. Hehe!

I don’t care how many experience points you get from playing Diablo III. I don’t care how many likes your videos get on Face Book. I don’t even care how many short stories you’ve written. None of those technological moments can compare to sitting around the living room and laughing like hyenas throughout the whole night while making insensitive police jokes and joking about how the murder suspects look like hipster millennials. That, my friends, is why human interaction is more important than being imprisoned by technology. Yes, we depend on technology to get shit done these days, I’m no different. But no Skype chat or Face Book message can bring you the intimacy of human interaction. That’s why I don’t own a smart phone to begin with. I just have a generic cell phone that I only use when I need to bum a ride somewhere.

It won’t end with just Clue on a random Friday night. There’s going to be Scrabble (where I once got 40 points off of the word “bitch”), Dungeons & Dragons (which I’ve been itching to play for a while now), and maybe some Hero Quest if I can find a set that doesn’t cost 400 bucks on Amazon. I may be an introvert who craves privacy, but even I need my family and friends to be with me from time to time. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***

It’s a new week at the WSS and the theme they’ve got going on is “Sixth Sense”. I’m not sure if this synopsis fits the prompt, but I’m going to try anyways. It’s called “The Aeromancer” and it goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

Ryan Elkins, Patrolling Cop

Elizabeth Wilson, Aeromancer

PROMPT CONFORMITY: Elizabeth’s sixth sense is aeromancy, the ability to control wind.

SYNOPSIS: A powerful windstorm has knocked out the power in all of Dread City. With trees, power lines, and debris being blown in his way, Ryan patrols the city looking for people who need to get off the streets for fear of being injured in this storm. He sees a beautiful witch in the streets dancing and flailing her arms like she’s casting some sort of spell. When Ryan tries to coax her off the streets, it’s revealed that Elizabeth (the witch) is the one causing this windstorm using the ancient magic of aeromancy. When asked why she’s doing this, Elizabeth gives a speech about how technology is ruining lives and short-circuiting the power would bring families back together. A part of Ryan wants to do his job and arrest this woman while another wants to agree with her.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Moments before writing this journal, I drew a picture of Mathias Jorgenson from “Forever Autumn” just like I promised I would. However, I can’t use my scanner right now because I’m currently out of ink. Why I would need ink in order to scan a picture to the computer, I’ll never know, but it is what it is. I promise to upload Mathias’s drawing once I buy new ink cartridges from Staples. Until then, know that the next Dark Fantasy Warrior to come off the production line will be Viktor the Warlord from “Tiger Bullet Kick”. It’s been a long time since I’ve drawn a mummy. I believe the exact amount of time has been nine years. Holy shit!

***POISON TONGUE TALES***

I edited the hell out of the three M stories just like I promised; now the next three to come will spell out the word “NOO!!” with the first letters of their titles. I think it’s appropriate that they do. The stories are “Nail Bomb”, “Oswald the Giant”, and “Ottie-Doo”. Two animal stories and one that could never be accused of cuteness no matter how squeaky the baby doll’s voice is. This is going to be fun.

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Never walk out of a movie theater with your girl and say, “That Sigourney Weaver is a sexy woman!” Because later that night, you’re going to be sitting at home eating meatloaf going, “Hon, this meatloaf is a little dry.” She’ll say, “Well, why don’t you have Sigourney Weaver make you a meatloaf then!””

-Jeff Foxworthy-

Computer Stiuation

***COMPUTER SITUATION***

Hey, everybody. I told some people on Good Reads and Face Book about my current computer situation, but I haven’t gone into full detail until now. So, ready or not, here it goes. Yesterday evening, I bought a new computer from Best Buy since my most recent one is nine years old and freezes too often for my tastes. I set up the new computer and do my usual things from downloading Google Chrome, downloading AVG Antivirus, and installing Microsoft Office 2003 (since it’s the only software that will read my backed up writing files).

So far, so good. And then I start ripping CD’s onto the new computer using Windows Media Player and that’s when everything turned to shit. Some CD’s were skipping even though they’re in mint condition and some CD’s have tracks that won’t rip at all (“Apex Predator” by Cavalera Conspiracy). And then when I want to use WMA or any other program for that matter, the computer freezes and goes to a black screen. Once I’m on the black screen, I’m not capable of doing anything, so I have to shut down the computer by hitting the power button.

The moral of the story: new computers shouldn’t freeze or act up in any way, shape, or form. Earlier today, we exchanged the recently bought freezing computer for a brand new one that hasn’t been set up yet. Chances are, the second computer will be better since two defective computers in one sitting is highly unlikely. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have a backup plan. And a backup plan to go with that backup plan. And a backup plan to go with that backup plan. And so on and so forth.

I’m currently using my parents’ downstairs computer to write this journal, but it’s not the same as having my own, which means a few things will be hindered until the new computer is set up and a-okay. I had to drop out of the WSS contest this week, so there won’t be a short story called “Ninja” in the near future, though I may write it after the contest is over and add it to Poison Tongue Tales 2: Warrior Spirit anyways. There also won’t be rock songs for the day on Face Book and there won’t be any other forms of creativity until the computer is ready to go. Technology frustrates me, yet I can’t do business without it. Reina once joked that I was in an abusive relationship with my old computer. I can’t say she’s wrong or that she’s not funny. Hehe!

If it seems like I’m not on the internet as often as I used to be, it’s because of everything I just explained in this blog entry. I will say this: one way or another, my creative career will continue. I will have a working computer and I will keep plugging away. It’s hard to maintain a gung-ho attitude about all of this given how angry I get at malfunctioning technology, but it may be my saving grace. Good manners don’t cost anything, never forget Pink Floyd lyrics.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I’ll believe a long-nosed Pinocchio before I believe anything Kevin Owens has to say.”

-Byron Saxton aka BS-

Computer Rage

***COMPUTER RAGE***

Good news, potty mouths! Scientific studies are showing that people who swear have a higher understanding of English language skills than people who don’t. This is indeed good news for me, because most of my horrific swearing bouts have come at the expense of my computer. Anytime my computer slows down, freezes, or just plain stops working, it’s not enough just to sit and wait. No, I have to unleash a firestorm of curses at the computer, most of which would land me in jail if I said them to a human being. For the first time ever, I will provide everyone here with a transcript of the most offensive, god-awful insults I’ve ever screamed at my computer. I’m purposefully excluding homophobic slurs from this transcript because I have too much respect for the LGBT community to post them. Otherwise, happy reading!


“Quit douching around!”

“You stupid ass computer!”

“Get moving, bitch!”

“Get your ass in gear!”

“Get your ass online!”

“I’m going to smack the shit out of you, you stupid son of a bitch!”

“I’m going to put my dick in your CD drive!”

“Goddamn it, move!”

“Don’t you disconnect! Don’t you fucking disconnect! Goddamn it!”

“I hope you goddamn die, you fucking computer!”

“Go to hell, you piece of shit!”

“You’re going to get your ass kicked if you don’t move your fucking ass!”

“Blow me! Blow me, blow me, blow me!”

“Screw you, you douche-bag!”

“I’m going to take a big fucking shit on you if you don’t move!”

“Play the goddamn fucking song!”

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!”


What can I say? It’s a healthy way to release angry stress. It’s not healthy for everyone in my house who has to listen to me, but it’s healthy for me. I’ll take a firestorm of swear words over squeezing a rubber ball or doing yoga any day of the fucking week. See what I did there? We’ve got ears, say cheers, bitches!


***OCCUPY WRESTLING***

I plan on posting this journal on many websites and Deviant Art is one of them. If you follow me on Deviant Art, then you’ve probably noticed a few chapters of Occupy Wrestling stacked up in your inbox, my most recent one being number five. I hope I get to sit down and edit some more on a regular basis. If I can bulldoze the first American Darkness book, I can probably do the same with Occupy Wrestling. We’ll just have to wait and see.


***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Up next on deck is my second attempt at drawing a female character since making Danielle Courtney look like Marilyn Manson in drag. My niece Reina seems to think Miss Courtney looks like a “sassy black lady with a puppet face”. Hehehehehe! Here’s to hoping Hannah Jason looks a little more pleasant. Who’s Hannah Jason? She’s the magic-wielding assassin from “Bee Jay the Glutinous” who protects the little orange kitty from Raul Thunderstone’s cruelty. Hannah is modeled after the Diablo II sorceress, so maybe that will influence what I chose for a reference picture. Eh, maybe not.


***REINA***

On the 19th of this month, Reina will be celebrating her 12th birthday with me and the family. It’s hard to believe that my little baby niece is on the precipice of teen-hood. Holy shit! She wants to celebrate this coming-of-age milestone by playing in the swimming pool at the YMCA and by seeing the new Star Wars movie at the Regal Cinemas. I got her two presents for her special day, but I won’t be divulging what they are since Reina could potentially read this online and have her surprise spoiled. I hope she likes them! Happy Birthday, Reina-Bear! It’d be nice if everyone who reads this wishes her a Happy Birthday as well.


***TWEET OF THE DAY***

(RE: having a high character ranking in UFC’s latest videogame)

“Not since Samus Aran was revealed to be a woman have dummies been this butt hurt about a video game.”

-CM Punk-

High Winds of Death

***HIGH WINDS OF DEATH***

If you’ve been wondering what I’ve been up to the past two days, I can guarantee you that I didn’t go off the grid on purpose. I’m not like that father from the Little Caesar’s commercial who wants to live in the woods because ordering pizza online is “too frustrating”. All that heartache over a goddamn pizza. God, I hate commercialism.

The real reason I’ve been away from the internet is because in my home state of Washington, there were 25 MPH winds blowing southward. Trees were knocked over, houses have been destroyed, streets have been flooded, and many homes and businesses were without electricity, mine included. I went without electricity for a little over 24 hours. All I had to keep me entertained was my MP3 player and conversing with my 11-year-old niece Reina. I wanted to read my book, but without electricity, there’s no light to shine on the pages.

I probably shouldn’t be bitching and complaining too much, because my electricity eventually returned and I’m a happy man once more. I’m more worried about the people who no longer have stable homes and are trapped by the floods. It got so bad that Governor Jay Inslee declared a State of Emergency, which means National Guard members are going to assist those who’ve been displaced by this harsh weather. I can withstand 24 hours of boredom, but those less fortunate deserve your thoughts and love more than I do.

I’ve lived in Washington State from 1991-1993 and again from 1996 to the present day. The Pacific Northwest has always been known for its bipolar weather. It’s insufferably hot in the summertime and damned near devastating in the wintertime. Don’t get me wrong, Washington is still a beautiful place to live. But for all the times that Mother Nature gets even with us, it becomes more and more important to have a plan in case the electricity goes out, you’re stranded at home, or you don’t even have a home.

Even more than that, it’s important not to lose our humanity towards the less fortunate. If a family has been displaced by this kind of weather and is currently living on the streets, don’t shout at them for “taking handouts” and “not getting a job”. Show them your love. Give them hope. Even something as simple as a twenty dollar bill can make a difference in that family’s life. And one more thing: if you were displaced by bad weather, you’d want “handouts” too despite all of the pride you keep within you. If you had a choice between living in a low-cost apartment and having some disposable income along with food stamps over living on the streets and being closer to death, you’d choose the former every time. Admit it.

The weather already looks like it’s improving. I just went for a walk to the convenience store with the sun shining down on me. It was a little bit chilly, but there was sunshine nonetheless. But if I should go offline again, you now know why. No matter how many times Mother Nature strikes, I will always find a way to tell you guys I’m alive and well, even if it means going to a library or a hotel to use their computers. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

　

***CREATIVE PROJECTS***

Being offline has caused a little bit of a setback in my creative work, but that’s okay, because catching up is as easy as 1-2-3. I’ve declared today “reading day”, which means I’ll catch up on short stories submitted to the WSS and I’ll do another 30 pages of “A Street Cat Named Bob” by James Bowen. Tomorrow is Friday and will be declared “TV day”, where I’ll catch up on NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, NCIS: New Orleans, and WWE NXT. Wow, that’s a lot of initials. As far as “Zombie” goes, I’ll probably write it this coming Saturday since all of my catching up will be done by then. And then there’s the Dark Fantasy Warriors drawings. Next on deck is Danielle Reigns, the benevolent necromancer from the short story that used to be called “Conform”, but is now called “Dead Man Walking”. Wish me luck on catching up! There’s not a storm on earth that can stop the power of creativity!

　

***SKYPE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

ME: I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that the acronym for Occupy Wrestling is OW, which is what people say when they feel pain.

MARIE: Haha! If I catch a wrestler saying, “Ow!”, I’ll slap him across the face and say, “Man up!”

ME: Yeah, wrestlers mostly just scream in agonizing pain or say, “Shit!” After all, nobody gets wrapped up in the Walls of Jericho and says, “Please stop that, good sir.”

MARIE: Hahahaha! That’s true.

Where's Susie?

CHORUS 1
Where’s Susie? X4
Where’s Susie? X4
I need a hundred million bucks
If I don’t get it, I’ll scream like fuck
Where’s Susie? X4
Where’s Susie? X4


VERSE 1
Let’s make one thing perfectly clear
You won’t find Susie around here
I know you hold her dear and near
I know you have your greatest fears
But I’ve never been mister four-one-one
I’m not the man who will get this done
Ask me one more time and I’ll explode
Look elsewhere for your final hope


CHORUS 2
Where’s Susie? X4
Where’s Susie? X4
I need a place to put my penis
We’ll do it where no one will see us
Where’s Susie? X4
Where’s Susie? X4


VERSE 2
The smartest of smart phones continues to ring
Yet I don’t know a single goddamn thing
You can ask your questions under a heated light
You’ll still get nothing on this cold autumn night
Way to go, Dick Tracy, or should I say Vic Mackey?
Probably the latter with the way you still ask me
You haunt the internet with a schizophrenic passion
Isn’t this the time to be responsible for your actions?


CHORUS 3
Where’s Susie? X4
Where’s Susie? X4
I need a ride to planet Mars
Let’s take a trip in your rocket car
We can lose ourselves to foo-foo music
When it comes to gas, we can always abuse it


VERSE 3
Looking for Susie is like asking, “Where’s Waldo?”
You’re acting like it’s an answer we all know
If you’re so fucking scared about your little friend
Type up an Amber Alert and hit the link to send
Sherlock Holmes should be your new nickname
Yet all of your questions still remain the same
“Where’s Susie? Where’s Susie? Where’s Susie? Where’s Susie?”
Somewhere in the babble, you started to lose me


CHORUS 4
Where’s Susie? X4
Where’s Susie? X4
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

Hush

***HUSH***

Over the past week, I’ve maintained a minimal presence on the internet. It’s almost as if a hush had fallen over my social media accounts, which is weird because I’m currently listening to a song called “Hush” by Hellyeah, but it’s not about the same thing. Because of this “hush” over the internet, I’ve only gotten two pieces of writing done (“Saggy-Maggie” and “WWE Tough Enough”) and my online presence has been limited to Face Book posts of heavy metal songs from You Tube. You guys have been very supportive of me and even told me that I don’t have to apologize every time there’s lack of activity. I believe you guys when you say it, so I won’t apologize. However, I do feel that at least some kind of explanation is necessary. In that case, there are three different things going on in my life that keep me from maintaining a full internet schedule: housework, sleep apnea, and lopsided creative work.

　

For anybody who doesn’t know, this past June, Susan and Reina have moved out of the house and aren’t on good terms with either of my parents. This move was going to happen sooner or later since Mom and Susan really never could get along. They were always arguing over the messiness of the house and Susan’s parenting abilities. When Susan and Reina finally moved out, they left in a huff and a lot of their possessions were left behind. Mom, Dale, James, and I spent the last week boxing up Susan and Reina’s possessions and remodeling the house. It was exhausting work for all of us. In fact, just today, after I got done shampooing the carpets, I passed out on my bed for five hours. No kidding. Mom and Dale wanted to get all of this work done before they flew out to North Carolina to inspect what will eventually become our new home. On a positive note, our house here in Port Orchard looks MUCH better than it did before, but at what price?

This past July, I visited my therapist Rachel Burgett’s office and one of our topics was my mental and physical energy. I told her about my newly formed caffeine habits and how I drink either four tall cans of Diet Coke or three large bottles of Diet Mountain Dew just so I can stay awake and alert. Caffeine is not conducive to being a schizophrenic since it has been known to trigger head voices. After saying that, Rachel suggested that I might have problems with sleep apnea due to my ongoing weight issues. The sleep apnea suggestion might be the closest thing to the truth I need to hear. In college, my roommates kept moving out of my dorm because I snored too loudly. One of my roommates even said I stopped breathing before the snoring started. Snoring is a problem in my present life and it shows, because even though I get 12 to 14 hours of sleep a night, I still feel exhausted throughout the day. As soon as Mom and Dale get back from their two week trip to Asheville, they’re going to schedule me for a visit to a sleep clinic to see what they can do about my sleep apnea. I might need a breathing mask, but I’m not sure.

I’m sure you all have noticed by now that I’ve stopped talking about “Star Island” by Carl Hiaasen as my current reading project. It’s not because I stopped enjoying it. On the contrary, it’s quick and witty just like any Carl Hiaasen book should be. I was recently asked a favor by my friend and fellow independent author Andy Peloquin to read “Blade of the Destroyer” and give it an honest review on Amazon and Good Reads. He says he needs the review by August 21^st, but also keeps insisting there’s no rush and that if I miss the deadline it’s no big deal. In his words, “Any time before the end of the world would be nice.” I also need reviews of my books, Occupy Wrestling in particular, so I agree to this favor. I don’t mind doing this favor at all. In fact, I think very highly of Andy Peloquin’s writing skills. It’s just that for some reason, I became so obsessed with this reading project that I’ve completely ignored all of my other creative obligations. It’s been ages since I saw a new episode of NCIS: Los Angeles. And that first chapter of Hair vs. Hair (which will now be called Blood Brawl)? Not up yet. No movie reviews, no character profiles, no paperback versions of Confessions of a Schizophrenic Savage and Occupy Wrestling, nothing. The problem here isn’t that I’m doing someone a favor. The problem is that I’m obsessing over it. I did the same thing when I was editing Occupy Wrestling with Marie Krepps.

　

Couple my obsessive work schedule with cleaning up after Susan and Reina and sleep apnea problems and it should all be clear by now what’s going on in my life. I still haven’t decided yet if I’m going to compete in this week’s WSS contest, I’m so tired. I need a few moments to figure everything out in my life. It’s suddenly not as easy as going to random.org anymore.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“You are not alone. I’m standing by your side. I walk with you through hell. I walk with you tonight. We are the forgotten that nobody wants to face. Together we can rise. Let’s climb out of hell. You are not forgotten. I’m standing by your side. Your struggle makes you beautiful. Out of hell we will climb.”

-In This Moment singing “Out of Hell”-

The A&W Hotdog Eating Debacle

Whenever I go out on public with Susan, it is a must that I embarrass her front of everyone with my social awkwardness. Whether it’s screaming in pain at a high volume or making crude sexual or death jokes, if someone is around us, they’ll remember it forever. The only way they will ever forget my public antics is either through chugging a bottle of Xanax or EMDR therapy. They might even qualify for social security after I’m through with them, you never know.

One of my favorite ways to embarrass Susan in public is where we’re eating at a restaurant or a food court and I eat a gigantic mountain of meat slathered in all sorts of disgusting sauces. Whenever she sees me eat a cheeseburger with four patties, eight slices of cheese, God knows how many pieces of bacon, and a pound of mayonnaise and olive oil, Susan immediately gets the urge to vomit herself inside out. Her nausea is equivalent to a mixed-martial artist getting kicked in the liver: the oxygen is gone and the acid is boiling inside like a bubbling marsh.

The opportunity presented itself one night while Susan, her daughter Reina, and I ate at A&W for a night of cheeseburgers, fries, onion rings, and middle school toilet humor. Me eating gigantic hamburgers and greasy French fries was bad enough for Susan, but the middle school toilet humor was what really started to make her boil with embarrassment. It wasn’t until I ordered a bacon cheddar hotdog that things really started to get out of hand.

A bacon cheddar hotdog is exactly how it sounds: it’s a hotdog in a bun drenched with fake nacho cheese and sprinkled with sloppy chunks of bacon. It was a cardiovascular dream come true for me and Susan’s worst stomach churning nightmare. From the minute I took the first bite, she started feeling ill and was showing it with the saggy frown on her face and her tongue hanging out. It got from bad to worse when some of the cheese and bacon landed in my Diet Pepsi…and I drank it anyways.

“Can I get my food to go, please?” said a nearby customer who was eating with his elementary school-aged kid. Although the customer didn’t mention the reason for wanting his food to go, it was pretty obvious to me, Susan, and Reina. Me and Reina laughed our asses off while Susan slapped herself on the forehead and shook her head no in shame. Just for reassurance, I asked, “Is he leaving because of me?” Susan not only said yes, but hell yes.

Me and Susan didn’t return to A&W for a while after that night. But one night while I was supposed to withdraw money for her, we decided to go through the drive-through (without Reina this time, so the middle school toilet humor was even worse than before). Susan wanted a root beer float while I ordered three bacon cheddar hotdogs. I repeat: three of them this time, not one.

If Susan wasn’t getting ready to barf all over the steering wheel already, she would be when the nice clerks gave me a free bacon double cheeseburger to go with everything else. The universe must have really appreciated my positive thoughts or something. As for Susan’s negative thoughts to the universe, all she got was a few bites of her root beer float and then she didn’t want anymore. The whole drive home she kept complaining about an aching stomach. Luckily, the car stayed clean for the drive home. If she ever did throw up, it would for sure rival the vomit scene from Poltergeist 2 where the father spit up a hideous demon.

My eating habits at A&W were Hall of Fame worthy when it comes to socially awkward behavior. The diarrhea dump that resulted from those habits was even more disgusting since the entire house smelled like the Bremerton Sewage Plant (that’s Reina’s description, not mine). Whether it’s Susan’s stomach acid or my sloppy shit, if someone was making a reality show out of our lives, it would be rated TV-MA for graphic violence. Suck on that, Human Centipede! Actually, don’t suck on anything, because that would be gross.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I know a lot of you think that the new national pastime in the oral office is swallow the leader. But I can assure you, I did not, I repeat, I did not sleep with that young intern. In fact, I was up all night!”

-Shawn Michaels during the “DX Apology Speech”-

Audrey Chainsaw

Okay, so chainsaws weren’t invented in the dark ages, but it’s still pretty damn sweet to see a sorceress with the name Audrey Chainsaw coming to Deckard Cain’s rescue. The name alone is enough to send shivers down the spines of imp demons (not that they don’t already have them as evidenced by their constant evasions). If my Diablo II: Lord of Destruction sorceress was named Audrey Periwinkle, her dead enemies would come back to life just to laugh at her. She would die of low self-esteem, which sounds nastier than some of the things Diablo’s minions did to the rogue soldiers with their torture devices.

Although Audrey didn’t carry an anachronistic weapon around like a chainsaw, she was still a deadly sorceress to play with in Diablo II. She was just like any other sorceress I played with in the sense she specialized in cold magic. Just one blast from Audrey’s mystic energies would either slow down or completely immobilize her opponents (the latter provided it wasn’t a boss enemy).

Once the enemies were frozen in place, Audrey whacked them relentlessly with whatever weapon she had until they turned into puddles of water. Puddles of water can’t be resurrected in the same way a fresh corpse can, which is bad news for an imp shaman as well as Blood Raven. Then again, it’s also bad news for any necromancer that might want to be in my adventuring party since they too can raise undead minions.

In a game where fast enemies can cause a fast death, slowing them down with frost magic is essential. Unfortunately, that’s where the fun ends with Audrey Chainsaw and any other sorceress using cold magic. Audrey became so dependent on her magic that she never had the chance to beef herself up into a legitimate warrior. And what was she supposed to do against an enemy with mana burn? Or what if she used her magic so many times and drank all of her mana potions? Limited mana is the one thing about magic users that pissed me off no matter what fantasy-themed game I was playing, which is why I favored warriors since they could take a beating as well as give a relentless one.

Audrey never made it past the first act. Every time she engaged in battle with Andariel, she was killed so easily that resurrecting her became a pain in the ass after a while. While it may be too late for Audrey Chainsaw to become a legitimate threat in a videogame, it’s not too late for her as a book character.

Seeing as how her last name is Chainsaw, she’d have to have powerful cold magic right off the bat. No learning, no sharing, no growth, just straight up cold magic. But if she’s not required to learn anything, then it means she can’t be the main character of whatever book I’m writing. Main characters grow and develop while side characters may already be there and villains weaken over time. I loved playing as Audrey in Diablo II, but if she has to play second banana in order to make a story believable, then so be it. I wouldn’t even be opposed to making her the main villain. We’ll just wait and see what happens.

　

***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

ME: Tomorrow in school, Reina is going to learn about the Norwegian deserts and the Mexican glaciers.

SUSAN: Why would she be learning about that? Wait a minute, you’re an asshole!