Lucy Butler (Millennium) X Xavier (Chandler & Co): The Kidnappers in Question

 

Lucy loves to break the spirits of young men and Xavier is a cokehead who has no future. They're perfect for each other! AWW! By the way, the lyrics are from "The One You Love" by Glenn Frey.

Valentine's Day Comes Early

***VALENTINE’S DAY COMES EARLY***

I’ve got to be honest with you guys. My past few blog entries have been rife with negativity and that’s not who I want to be. With Valentine’s Day only a month and a half away, my heartache will only get worse. But we’re not going to spend that special occasion pining over stupid shit. We’re going to celebrate VD (in January) by playing one of my favorite games of all time. It’s America’s game, but it ain’t Squeal of Fortune or Geo-Parody. This game is called…ARE…YOU….SHIPPING…ME?! And now, here are the stars of our special game: Pat Sajak and Vanna White! Actually, Pat Sajak can get the fuck off the stage, but I’ll gladly keep Vanna around. Hehe!

If you’re not familiar with the rules of this game, don’t worry, because I’ve got them right here. Create a roster of as many fictional characters as you want, but I recommend an equal balance of females and males. Randomly select two names from that list and discuss their potential as a couple. Pay no mind to gender preferences or gender identities, because under these rules, anybody can be a couple with anybody. You’ll get some odd combinations before you get any that actually make sense. Maybe they don’t even have to be a romantic couple. Maybe they’re just platonic? Or family? Or tag team partners? Either way, we’re going to have a lot of fun tonight! I assembled my roster using my Read list from Good Reads. There are twenty names on this list, so that means there’ll be ten couples.

1. Arnold Spirit (“The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian” by Sherman Alexie)
2. Bob (“A Street Cat Named Bob” by James Bowen)
3. Chris Jericho (Former WWE wrestler who wrote three memoirs)
4. Dr. Manhattan (Watchmen)
5. Evan McGann (“The Blade Itself” by Marcus Sakey)
6. Gloria Cavalera (“My Bloody Roots” by Max Cavalera)
7. Homer Simpson (The Simpsons comic books)
8. Jack Tagger (“Basket Case” by Carl Hiaasen)
9. Joker (Batman comic books)
10. Kat Colorado (“Alley Kat Blues” by Karen Kijewski)
11. Kelly Carlin (George Carlin’s daughter and author of “A Carlin Home Companion”)
12. Piper (“The Blood Files” by Marie Krepps and BJ Taylor)
13. Polly Duncan (“Cat Who” series by Lilian Jackson Braun)
14. Saber (“The Benevolent Slayers” by Marie Krepps)
15. Sleeping Beauty (“The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty” by Anne Rice)
16. The Hunter (Andy Peloquin’s books)
17. Trevor’s Mother (“Born a Crime” by Trevor Noah)
18. Tuna (“Chomp” by Carl Hiaasen)
19. Unemployed Man (“The Adventures of Unemployed Man” by Gan Golan and Erich Origen)
20. Viola (“Child of the Night Guild” by Andy Peloquin)

Let’s spin the wheel and win some fabulous prizes! I’d like to buy an R, Pat! Oh wait, I already told you to fuck off. Never mind!

***JACK TAGGER X KAT COLORADO (TAGGERADO)***

Well, what do you know? Our first randomly assembled couple actually makes at least a wee bit of sense! Jack and Kat are both investigators in their respective novels, though Jack is a journalist and Kat is a private detective. Age difference aside, these two could actually help each other through their cases. They’re both witty, smart as hell, sarcastic, and can get the job done no matter how hard the odds are stacked against them. They’re also faithful lovers, so there’s no worry about them breaking up too soon. Yes, this is perfect! This is beautiful! THIS…IS…LOVE!

***THE HUNTER X BOB (BUNTER)***

Okay, I was not expecting this, which was dumb on my part. Hehe! We’ve got a ruthless contract killer and a stray cat who just wants to laze around the space heater. Would The Hunter even have the time to take care of an uncontrollable pet with his merciless killing schedule? Better question is, would he have the heart to do it? Does he respect animals or would he use Bob to feed his Blood Hunger dagger? You would think that because cats are stealthy, they would make good partners in crime for slick rogues like The Hunter. But no…not Bob. Bob just wants to cuddle and lay about. Not good for business.

***DR. MANHATTAN X TUNA (MANHATTUNA)***

Nope, nope, nope, absolutely fucking not. Dr. Manhattan is a billion years old and Tuna is a teenaged girl. No nookie for them! A father-daughter relationship, on the other hand, is a little more realistic. Tuna, in her story, wants to get as far away from her abusive father as possible, lest she get another black eye, or worse. Who better to tell the father to fuck off than a nuclear superhero who can manipulate atoms ever so magically? Jared (the father) wouldn’t stand a goddamn chance. I don’t care how drunk and trigger happy he is; he’s no match for superhero brutality. In addition to providing protection, Dr. Manhattan’s wisdom can also be an educational experience for young Tuna Gordon. I can’t think of a better way to complete childhood!

***POLLY DUNCAN X TREVOR NOAH’S MOTHER (DUNCOAH)***

Maybe not as a lesbian romance, but as best friends, this would actually make sense. Both of them are voracious readers, highly educated, and hardworking. Mrs. Noah could find some peace in Pickaxe County, away from her abusive ex-husband Abel in South Africa. At least Polly Duncan has kitties. I’ll take a comfy kitty over a wife-beater any day of the week. But the question now becomes, how would Mrs. Noah and Polly find common ground religiously? Mrs. Noah is extremely religious while Polly’s faith isn’t well established in the Cat Who books. Would they clash over that or would they find other common ground, such as good books and good food? I want to believe these two would get along just fine…so that’s the conclusion I’ll come to!

***PIPER X ARNOLD SPIRIT (SPIPER)***

Let’s see…how would a love sick Native American teenager get along with a vampire seductress? Not very well, I would assume. Sure, Arnold would be desperate to find love after all the trauma he endured on the reservation, but would he have at least a shred of wisdom to keep his distance from Piper? I don’t know, man. Hormones can be a fickle bitch. Testicular chemicals can make a kid do crazy shit. Anything to get away from the reservation, right? It’s like choosing between death and Unga-Bunga. Get bullied by older kids or get drained and force fucked by Piper and her vampire cohorts. Hmm…decisions, decisions.

***CHRIS JERICHO X VIOLA (JERICHOLA)***

Good god almighty, another adult/teenager couple? Really? In order for this to work, they’d have to be tag team partners and not lovers. Throughout his wrestling career, Chris Jericho has been both a babyface (hero) and heel (villain). He prefers to be a villain and Viola has been brainwashed into being a cutthroat thief. Yep, these two would snatch Tag Team Championship gold in no time at all. I may have stopped watching WWE, but I still know who the Tag Team Champs on both Raw and Smackdown are and neither of them stand a chance against Jerichola, which sounds like the name of a delicious soft drink. Bobby Roode wouldn’t stop saying “Glorious!” all the time. Chad Gable would be too busy finishing Bobby’s catch phrase for him. And Sheamus and Cesaro? Fucking forget it, man! A multi-decade wrestler like Jericho and a stealthy thief like Viola have money written all over them, whether they pickpocket it or earn it by winning matches.

***EVAN MCGANN X SLEEPING BEAUTY (MCBEAUTY)***

Talk about a one-sided, abusive, toxic relationship in the making! Evan McGann is a manipulative criminal with muscles on top of muscles and a psychotic streak a mile long. Sleeping Beauty is a sex slave by nature, having been attached to whoever gives her the kiss that wakes her up. In her story, it’s not a kiss, but a fuck that wakes her up. You think a sick freak like Evan would pass up on that opportunity? Not a chance. The idea of McBeauty makes me want to spit up, which is weird because the couple name sounds like a burger at a fast food restaurant. I should be eager to eat McDonald’s food! But not this kind. This relationship is more poisonous than the pink slime they put in McNuggets.

***THE JOKER X HOMER SIMPSON (HOKER)***

These two don’t have a prayer on planet earth of getting along as a couple, let alone as partners in crime. The Joker would be busy formulating an intricate plot to kill Batman while Homer would be stupidly messing things up, by virtue of his clumsiness or his endless appetite. If The Joker baked a batch of poisoned cookies for Bruce Wayne’s business conference, Homer would eat them. All of them. And he wouldn’t die from it, but he’d shit out Joker gas and put permanent grins on everyone. This…(sigh)…This’ll never work. Ever.

***SABER X KELLY CARLIN (CARLABER)***

A badass sorceress and a badass comedienne? Oh, this is fucking perfect! You talk about girl power? You talk about strong female characters? These two bitches are unstoppable! They’ve got quick wit, unbreakable spirits, and enough emotional baggage to get each other through the hardest times. They’ll have their ups and downs, but as long as they have each other, there’s nothing they can’t achieve. Maybe they can sit around together and listen to old George Carlin routines while laughing their asses off. I can’t think of a better way to spend a Saturday night than that! They can also even each other out since Saber is the hothead and Kelly is the calmer one (she practices Zen). Plus, Carlaber sounds like they’re doing something good for the economy! It’s perfect! It’s fucking perfect!

***GLORIA CAVALERA X UNEMPLOYED MAN (UH…I GOT NOTHING)***

The wife of a heavy metal icon and a superhero who preaches personal responsibility? Gee, what could possibly go wrong? What could go right is Unemployed Man finally finding a job as a roadie for Soulfly. If he’s so fucking responsible, he should be able to ace that job no problem. Or maybe structural unemployment isn’t as simplified as everyone’s making it out to be. Maybe there are outside forces at work. Maybe…just maybe…the system is rigged? Max Cavalera has been telling you that shit for years, but did Unemployed Man listen? Obviously not.

***CONCLUSION***

This is Charlie O’Donnell’s dead body speaking. Are You Shipping Me is produced by Merv Griffin and distributed by Charles King, both of whom are also necromantic spirits haunting Garrison Kelly’s blog. Even when you feel like dying (on Valentine’s Day), keep climbing the mountain, bitches!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I like to eat my friends and make no bones about it. I like to eat my friends, I wouldn’t do without it. Ain’t a man or poet, friend, I know just how you’ll taste. Your limbs go sliding down my throat and never go to waste. Your death of course will sadden me until I drop your essence. I know your life was not in vain when digestion is commencing. Consider this a celebration and the deepest pact of friends. I hope that you will dine on me when I come to an end. Even friends may come to you with a newfound revelation. But think of it as life renewed and not the termination. “To know you is to eat you” should be the code of lovers. Death brings the highest act of love reserved for one another. People say that what you are is only what you eat. My friends become a part of me, it’s then that life’s complete. To know you is to eat you, the act of love supreme. Each one of us inside himself can appetize the dream.”

-The Police singing “Friends”-

Are You Shipping Me?

***ARE YOU SHIPPING ME?***

In honor of my supportive Deviant Art friend Patrick Doran a.k.a. The Lone Wolf, I’m bringing back a meme/game that I did for Occupy Wrestling where I randomly chose two characters from a long list and put them together as a couple. This time I’m using characters from my most recent first draft novels, Silent Warrior, Beautiful Monster, and Incelbordination. There are twenty-seven names on this list and I plan on burning through ten of them for the sake of this game (that means I’ll be shipping five different potential couples). These selections will be completely random and will not pay any mind to gender or sexual orientation. Are you ready to play America’s game? No, it’s not Wheel of Fortune, so step aside, Pat Sajak! This new game is called…Are You Shipping Me? Are you ready to play? Let’s get started! Here’s the list of characters I’ve compiled:

1. Adrienne Simpson, teenaged MPDG
2. Alan Young, high school bully
3. Aloysius Striker, puppet teacher
4. Antero Magnus, involuntary celibate
5. Beth George, overbearing mother
6. Carter George, dead father
7. Christian Savage, claw-wielding mercenary
8. Craig Dunham, jock bully
9. Julie Simpson, Adrienne’s mother
10. Kody Savage, chicken shit mercenary
11. Linda Williams, high school principal
12. Mia Barry, police detective
13. Michelle Xavier, elf queen
14. Misty Keith, student with Down’s Syndrome
15. Nikita Johnson, English student
16. Orpheus Rinehart, fat mercenary boss
17. Oswald Crow, lonely dwarf
18. Paul Corbin, surrogate history teacher
19. Scott George, traumatized student
20. Shelly Atwood, vampire rapist
21. Simone Archer, trauma therapist
22. Tarja Rikkinen, staff-wielding mercenary
23. Tom Simpson, authoritarian teacher
24. Torger Manson, vampire enforcer
25. Valerie Sand, English teacher
26. Wacey Judge, gym bully
27. Windham Xavier, whip-wielding elf mercenary

Spin the wheel or buy a vowel! Damn it, this still isn’t Wheel of Fortune! Piss off, Sajak!

***FIRST COUPLE: SHELLY X ANTERO***

I swear this couple pairing was only a coincidence, but Patrick and I joked all the time about how these two deserve each other. With Shelly Atwood, you’ve got a woman who destroys men’s self-esteem by forcing them into sex slavery. With Antero Magnus, you’ve got a guy with no self-esteem to begin with because he can’t get laid. The kicker? Both of these train wrecks are the villains of their respective stories, so try not to feel bad for either of them. In fact, be sure to wish them well as they tie the knot and spread misery and hatred across the land together!

***SECOND COUPLE: ALOYSIUS X BETH***

Considering both of these women are from Silent Warrior and they both play a pivotal role in Scott George’s life, I can definitely see them being a couple. Never mind the fact that Aloysius appears as a nightmarish puppet in Scott’s dreams. Hell, she can be one of those inflatable sex puppets if Beth so desired. Both women have a nasty habit of making Scott’s life miserable, whether in the dream world or in real life. They’re both bossy as hell, they both demand conformity and obedience, and if you read far enough into the novel, you’ll understand Aloysius’s most significant connection to Scott’s life. With Carter George dead as a doornail, Beth is ripe for the picking, so come on down, Aloysius! You’re the next contestant on The Price Is Right! Goddamn it, not you too, Drew Carey!

***THIRD COUPLE: TOM X PAUL (TAUL)***

Okay, so I tried not to bring spoilers into this, but in order for the context to make sense, I’m afraid I’m going to have to. So if you haven’t read far enough into Silent Warrior yet and you don’t want to be spoiled, skip past this one. But oh my god, you talk about cats and dogs, you’ve got Tom Simpson and Paul Corbin. Tom is known throughout the story as an autocratic teacher who demands conformity and even came up with his own quote for it: “Democracy is dead!” Paul Corbin replaces him and has a much more positive impact on his students. You think if Tom and Paul became a couple that there wouldn’t be any professional jealousy? Oh, goddamn, think of all the arguments they’d have!

***FOURTH COUPLE: WINDHAM X SCOTT (WINDHOTT)***

Unlike Tom and Paul before them, this couple could actually relate to each other on a personal level and the fighting would be kept to a minimum. They’re both mentally scarred from their experiences. They both fight for their individuality in a world that demands obedience. They both have the power to change the world, though Windham uses his whip for that and Scott uses his words. They’re both passionate when it comes to their relationships. And for all of you out there who are concerned about age differences, don’t worry, Scott is eighteen and one hundred percent legal. In fact, his age becomes a huge factor in how Silent Warrior plays out. But yes, Windham and Scott would make a cute couple despite the fact that Scott dresses like a hobo and Windham is this gorgeous man stud in shining armor.

***FINAL COUPLE: CARTER X TORGER (TORTER)***

For the sake of argument, Carter George, who started Silent Warrior as a dead body, will remain a corpse during his shipping with Torger Manson. And why not? It’s usually Torger’s stepsister Shelly who gets to “have all the fun” (and I’m saying that with a sour stomach). Torger needs love too (again, I say that with a bad taste in my mouth). Why should Shelly get to choose the slaves all the time (again, ugh!)? The closest thing to fun Torger will ever have is if his victims are dead. Given that he’s high on psychedelic mushrooms all the time, that’d be the only way he’d agree to this necromantic relationship. And that’s assuming Torger has standards to begin with, which is questionable at times during Beautiful Monster.

***CONCLUSION***

Our Final Jeopardy category is…goddamn it, Alex Trebek, get out of here! This isn’t your show! I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you next time! Are You Shipping Me is a production of Merv Griffin Enterprises and is distributed by King World…no, it isn’t!

***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

REINA: How was the Seether concert?

GARRISON: Fine.

REINA: Did you meet any cute girls?

GARRISON: A short girl locked arms with me during “Fine Again”, but I didn’t do anything in return.

REINA: This seems to be a recurring theme when you go to concerts. First there was that girl at the Slipknot concert who kissed your hand and now this.

GARRISON: There was also the time at the Pop Evil concert when a girl tried to dance with me, but I walked away from her when she elbowed another concertgoer.

REINA: Yeah, that was the right choice.

GARRISON: I have no idea why women are trying to seduce me at concerts.

REINA: Maybe a shape-shifter is after you. Maybe you’re the shape-shifter.

GARRISON: I’m not a shape-shifter.

REINA: That’s exactly what a shape-shifter would say if he was denying it.

GARRISON: Damn it, Reina, you say that with everything I deny being!

Shipping Meme

***SHIPPING MEME***

During the past few days, I’ve been having conversations with my friends Zero Urrea and Marie Krepps about how much fun it is to link two things together with the letter X (a practice commonly found in Japanese anime). Would you go to a concert that was featured as Korn X Starset? You’re damn right you would! Would you ever play a videogame that featured the team of Super Mario X M. Bison? Sure, why not? And of course, the X link is used to signify collaboration between two romantic partners. Cloud X Tifa, Mario X Peach, and Squall X Rinoa are all mainstream examples of this. You could also mix and match between genres and canons…and genders. Would you ever read an erotic fan fiction that featured Tifa Lockhart X Stephanie McMahon? You bet your sweet ass!

Which brings me to something authors might have to deal with if their work becomes famous enough: shipping. If you write a novel that’s highly enjoyable, your readers are definitely going to want to tinker with various combinations of characters as romantic couples, for better or worse. You know who’s not okay with this? Anne Rice, who went to great legal lengths to make sure her fans don’t do that to her books. Some people are okay with this, others are not. More important is how you feel about your own fans doing this to your books. Me personally? I think it’d be flattering no matter what the combinations ended up being.

Unfortunately, I only have one edited and published novel to my name and it’s not even a full length book, so I don’t have a wide roster of characters to work with. Then again, if I include minor characters, this meme could actually be lots of fun. So here’s how this works: I’m going to make a list of Occupy Wrestling characters, use a number generator to randomly pick two of them from that list, and discuss how they’d work as a couple. I won’t use the same character twice and I’ll only generate five different couples. Are you ready? I know I am!

1. Debra Winter, Human Valet
2. Desilu McCourt, Amazonian Knight
3. Dovald, Superhuman Knight
4. Garra, Superhuman Knight
5. Hall Markata, Undead Necromancer
6. Jason Finnegan, Human Wrestler
7. Keegan Day, Human CEO
8. Mitch McLeod, Human Wrestler
9. Monzo Bleeder, Orc Wrestler
10. Nina Jordan, Human Cop
11. Riley Warpthroat, Skeleton Knight
12. Rosie Rogers, Human Referee
13. Snake of Jehovah, Skeleton Monk
14. Stephanie McMillan, Human Wrestler
15. Teiji Roughhouse, Rat Wrestler

FIRST COUPLE: Riley X Keegan

THOUGHTS: Keegan’s blatant bigotry aside, these two would be perfect for each other. They’re both hell-bent on dominating the wrestling scene. They’re both sadistic. They can intimidate the hell out of anyone. And lastly (and this is the most important part), they both look like they were just brought to life by a necromancer. Maybe when these two are in the bedroom, Keegan can use the Day Family Gem as a ball gag for Riley. Keegan does control his minions with that magical MacGuffin, after all.

SECOND COUPLE: Snake of Jehovah X Dovald

THOUGHTS: Another pair of viciously monstrous villains? Sure, why not? Though considering the fact that all Snakes of Jehovah look the same covered up with monk robes and snake masks, Dovald could end up accidentally cheating with another minion. But if that were to happen, how exactly would they initiate the cheating? Snakes of Jehovah are skeletal minions, with no sexual orifices or genitalia, so the closest Dovald could get to achieving sexual pleasure is to take the snake mask off and go through the eye sockets.

THIRD COUPLE: Jason X Stephanie

THOUGHTS: At least we’re back into normal territory since they’re both humans. Plus, they actually have things in common that they could bond over. They’re wrestlers. They’re despicable heels. They’re both championship material. Ship them, damn it! There’s just one curiosity I have: if Jason is a three hundred pounder who suffers a heart attack in the first chapter, even if he lived through it, would he be healthy enough for sexual activity? Would he have to be on bottom while Stephanie was on top? Would he fall asleep halfway through and lose his erection? So many burning questions.

FOURTH COUPLE: Hall X Nina

THOUGHTS: Spoiler alert: Hall ends up using his necromantic powers to raise Nina from the dead as an ash-covered zombie. I’m more curious about what you, the readers, didn’t get to see when all that happened. You think Hall is into that kinky shit? Does he forgo apps like Tinder and Grinder and just settle for a trip to the cemetery? Well, he doesn’t have to anymore if he’s got Nina as his minion. While Nina isn’t the most attractive woman in my book, there’s something sexy about a woman in uniform.

FINAL COUPLE: Desilu X Debra

THOUGHTS: If it wasn’t for the fact that Desilu tried to snap Debra’s spine in two with a camel clutch, this could actually be somewhat normal. Debra is a bisexual who appreciates both masculine and feminine features in both genders. Desilu is a big fucking Amazonian who knows how to wrestle (not just in the ring). Hell, she could probably do a better job of protecting her than Mitch ever could. That, and Desilu is happy to train Debra in wrestling herself since that’s all Miss Winter really wants: to be self-reliant. Of course, if Debra is that desperate for wrestling lessons, she might have to take a serious beating at the hand of Keegan’s minions. Oh wait, that already happened.

Okay, I must admit that I had fun doing this. Maybe I can do it again when I publish another novel. Hell, even my unpublished first drafts could use some love and war. What if I took Mario Bryan from Watch You Burn and paired him up with Daniel Mercer from Demon Axe? Or as the Japanese would say, Mario X Daniel. They’re both mentally ill, so they could help each other through their toughest episodes. Mario is schizophrenic and Daniel has PTSD. The two illnesses are similar to each other, but schizophrenia is a psychotic disorder and PTSD is an anxious disorder. This could actually work! But that’s a story for another day. I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you soon!

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Fifty Shades of Grey is to literature what candy corn is to vegetables.”

-Bill Maher-