I Deserve to Be Alive

I might be problematic

But that’s always automatic

I’ll never take a dive

I deserve to be alive

I’ve got a checkered past

The damage done will last

Guilt’s beyond a nine to five

I deserve to be alive

I’m spinning my wheels

Made no business deals

Got no capitalist drive

I deserve to be alive

My future is uncertain

And it’s my anxious burden

Got no kids or wives

I deserve to be alive

I’ve broken every cycle

Without praying to St. Michael

Put down the pocket knives

You deserve to be alive

You deserve to have some fun

You deserve to be the one

Who keeps spreading the love

They’ll never get enough

The past is gone forever

Prepare for sunny weather

We’re a family, not a hive

We deserve to be alive

We deserve to be alive

We deserve to be alive

We deserve nothing less

Than life’s very best

Breathe Again

VERSE 1

It’s like deer hunting, with a camera, not a gun

Learning again that life should be fun

For every shadow that darkens your sunny day

There’s a candle that lights the rest of the way

Gratitude is underrated, but no less important

Even the smallest details cure you of boredom

Rock song, kitty cat, RPG, more of that

Eat candy, grow fat, home run with a bat

CHORUS

Just breathe

Breathe again

Just breathe

Make the world your very best friend

VERSE 2

Finding magic in the most ordinary

Finding strength for the burden you carry

Finding a way through life’s obstacles

Finding solutions for the impossible

Finding a world beyond death itself

Finding a reason to live in good health

Finding a path that leads out of your bed

And never forgetting the sweet words said

EXTENDED CHORUS 1

Just breathe

Breathe again

Just breathe

Make the world your very best friend

Just breathe

Breathe once more

Just breathe

Spread your angel wings and soar

VERSE 3

It’s not rock bottom if it has a foundation

It’s not death if you still rise to the occasion

It’s not failure if you gained an education

It’s not over even after life’s expiration

It’s not hell if there’s no damnation

It’s not prison if there’s clear exoneration

It’s not hatred if it’s beyond infatuation

Let’s do it all again like it’s reincarnation

EXTENDED CHORUS 2

Just breathe

Breathe again

Just breathe

A new beginning is not the end

Just breathe

Breathe once more

Just breathe

Ask what else life has in store

Just breathe

Breathe again

Valentine's Day Comes Early

***VALENTINE’S DAY COMES EARLY***

I’ve got to be honest with you guys. My past few blog entries have been rife with negativity and that’s not who I want to be. With Valentine’s Day only a month and a half away, my heartache will only get worse. But we’re not going to spend that special occasion pining over stupid shit. We’re going to celebrate VD (in January) by playing one of my favorite games of all time. It’s America’s game, but it ain’t Squeal of Fortune or Geo-Parody. This game is called…ARE…YOU….SHIPPING…ME?! And now, here are the stars of our special game: Pat Sajak and Vanna White! Actually, Pat Sajak can get the fuck off the stage, but I’ll gladly keep Vanna around. Hehe!

If you’re not familiar with the rules of this game, don’t worry, because I’ve got them right here. Create a roster of as many fictional characters as you want, but I recommend an equal balance of females and males. Randomly select two names from that list and discuss their potential as a couple. Pay no mind to gender preferences or gender identities, because under these rules, anybody can be a couple with anybody. You’ll get some odd combinations before you get any that actually make sense. Maybe they don’t even have to be a romantic couple. Maybe they’re just platonic? Or family? Or tag team partners? Either way, we’re going to have a lot of fun tonight! I assembled my roster using my Read list from Good Reads. There are twenty names on this list, so that means there’ll be ten couples.

1. Arnold Spirit (“The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian” by Sherman Alexie)
2. Bob (“A Street Cat Named Bob” by James Bowen)
3. Chris Jericho (Former WWE wrestler who wrote three memoirs)
4. Dr. Manhattan (Watchmen)
5. Evan McGann (“The Blade Itself” by Marcus Sakey)
6. Gloria Cavalera (“My Bloody Roots” by Max Cavalera)
7. Homer Simpson (The Simpsons comic books)
8. Jack Tagger (“Basket Case” by Carl Hiaasen)
9. Joker (Batman comic books)
10. Kat Colorado (“Alley Kat Blues” by Karen Kijewski)
11. Kelly Carlin (George Carlin’s daughter and author of “A Carlin Home Companion”)
12. Piper (“The Blood Files” by Marie Krepps and BJ Taylor)
13. Polly Duncan (“Cat Who” series by Lilian Jackson Braun)
14. Saber (“The Benevolent Slayers” by Marie Krepps)
15. Sleeping Beauty (“The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty” by Anne Rice)
16. The Hunter (Andy Peloquin’s books)
17. Trevor’s Mother (“Born a Crime” by Trevor Noah)
18. Tuna (“Chomp” by Carl Hiaasen)
19. Unemployed Man (“The Adventures of Unemployed Man” by Gan Golan and Erich Origen)
20. Viola (“Child of the Night Guild” by Andy Peloquin)

Let’s spin the wheel and win some fabulous prizes! I’d like to buy an R, Pat! Oh wait, I already told you to fuck off. Never mind!

***JACK TAGGER X KAT COLORADO (TAGGERADO)***

Well, what do you know? Our first randomly assembled couple actually makes at least a wee bit of sense! Jack and Kat are both investigators in their respective novels, though Jack is a journalist and Kat is a private detective. Age difference aside, these two could actually help each other through their cases. They’re both witty, smart as hell, sarcastic, and can get the job done no matter how hard the odds are stacked against them. They’re also faithful lovers, so there’s no worry about them breaking up too soon. Yes, this is perfect! This is beautiful! THIS…IS…LOVE!

***THE HUNTER X BOB (BUNTER)***

Okay, I was not expecting this, which was dumb on my part. Hehe! We’ve got a ruthless contract killer and a stray cat who just wants to laze around the space heater. Would The Hunter even have the time to take care of an uncontrollable pet with his merciless killing schedule? Better question is, would he have the heart to do it? Does he respect animals or would he use Bob to feed his Blood Hunger dagger? You would think that because cats are stealthy, they would make good partners in crime for slick rogues like The Hunter. But no…not Bob. Bob just wants to cuddle and lay about. Not good for business.

***DR. MANHATTAN X TUNA (MANHATTUNA)***

Nope, nope, nope, absolutely fucking not. Dr. Manhattan is a billion years old and Tuna is a teenaged girl. No nookie for them! A father-daughter relationship, on the other hand, is a little more realistic. Tuna, in her story, wants to get as far away from her abusive father as possible, lest she get another black eye, or worse. Who better to tell the father to fuck off than a nuclear superhero who can manipulate atoms ever so magically? Jared (the father) wouldn’t stand a goddamn chance. I don’t care how drunk and trigger happy he is; he’s no match for superhero brutality. In addition to providing protection, Dr. Manhattan’s wisdom can also be an educational experience for young Tuna Gordon. I can’t think of a better way to complete childhood!

***POLLY DUNCAN X TREVOR NOAH’S MOTHER (DUNCOAH)***

Maybe not as a lesbian romance, but as best friends, this would actually make sense. Both of them are voracious readers, highly educated, and hardworking. Mrs. Noah could find some peace in Pickaxe County, away from her abusive ex-husband Abel in South Africa. At least Polly Duncan has kitties. I’ll take a comfy kitty over a wife-beater any day of the week. But the question now becomes, how would Mrs. Noah and Polly find common ground religiously? Mrs. Noah is extremely religious while Polly’s faith isn’t well established in the Cat Who books. Would they clash over that or would they find other common ground, such as good books and good food? I want to believe these two would get along just fine…so that’s the conclusion I’ll come to!

***PIPER X ARNOLD SPIRIT (SPIPER)***

Let’s see…how would a love sick Native American teenager get along with a vampire seductress? Not very well, I would assume. Sure, Arnold would be desperate to find love after all the trauma he endured on the reservation, but would he have at least a shred of wisdom to keep his distance from Piper? I don’t know, man. Hormones can be a fickle bitch. Testicular chemicals can make a kid do crazy shit. Anything to get away from the reservation, right? It’s like choosing between death and Unga-Bunga. Get bullied by older kids or get drained and force fucked by Piper and her vampire cohorts. Hmm…decisions, decisions.

***CHRIS JERICHO X VIOLA (JERICHOLA)***

Good god almighty, another adult/teenager couple? Really? In order for this to work, they’d have to be tag team partners and not lovers. Throughout his wrestling career, Chris Jericho has been both a babyface (hero) and heel (villain). He prefers to be a villain and Viola has been brainwashed into being a cutthroat thief. Yep, these two would snatch Tag Team Championship gold in no time at all. I may have stopped watching WWE, but I still know who the Tag Team Champs on both Raw and Smackdown are and neither of them stand a chance against Jerichola, which sounds like the name of a delicious soft drink. Bobby Roode wouldn’t stop saying “Glorious!” all the time. Chad Gable would be too busy finishing Bobby’s catch phrase for him. And Sheamus and Cesaro? Fucking forget it, man! A multi-decade wrestler like Jericho and a stealthy thief like Viola have money written all over them, whether they pickpocket it or earn it by winning matches.

***EVAN MCGANN X SLEEPING BEAUTY (MCBEAUTY)***

Talk about a one-sided, abusive, toxic relationship in the making! Evan McGann is a manipulative criminal with muscles on top of muscles and a psychotic streak a mile long. Sleeping Beauty is a sex slave by nature, having been attached to whoever gives her the kiss that wakes her up. In her story, it’s not a kiss, but a fuck that wakes her up. You think a sick freak like Evan would pass up on that opportunity? Not a chance. The idea of McBeauty makes me want to spit up, which is weird because the couple name sounds like a burger at a fast food restaurant. I should be eager to eat McDonald’s food! But not this kind. This relationship is more poisonous than the pink slime they put in McNuggets.

***THE JOKER X HOMER SIMPSON (HOKER)***

These two don’t have a prayer on planet earth of getting along as a couple, let alone as partners in crime. The Joker would be busy formulating an intricate plot to kill Batman while Homer would be stupidly messing things up, by virtue of his clumsiness or his endless appetite. If The Joker baked a batch of poisoned cookies for Bruce Wayne’s business conference, Homer would eat them. All of them. And he wouldn’t die from it, but he’d shit out Joker gas and put permanent grins on everyone. This…(sigh)…This’ll never work. Ever.

***SABER X KELLY CARLIN (CARLABER)***

A badass sorceress and a badass comedienne? Oh, this is fucking perfect! You talk about girl power? You talk about strong female characters? These two bitches are unstoppable! They’ve got quick wit, unbreakable spirits, and enough emotional baggage to get each other through the hardest times. They’ll have their ups and downs, but as long as they have each other, there’s nothing they can’t achieve. Maybe they can sit around together and listen to old George Carlin routines while laughing their asses off. I can’t think of a better way to spend a Saturday night than that! They can also even each other out since Saber is the hothead and Kelly is the calmer one (she practices Zen). Plus, Carlaber sounds like they’re doing something good for the economy! It’s perfect! It’s fucking perfect!

***GLORIA CAVALERA X UNEMPLOYED MAN (UH…I GOT NOTHING)***

The wife of a heavy metal icon and a superhero who preaches personal responsibility? Gee, what could possibly go wrong? What could go right is Unemployed Man finally finding a job as a roadie for Soulfly. If he’s so fucking responsible, he should be able to ace that job no problem. Or maybe structural unemployment isn’t as simplified as everyone’s making it out to be. Maybe there are outside forces at work. Maybe…just maybe…the system is rigged? Max Cavalera has been telling you that shit for years, but did Unemployed Man listen? Obviously not.

***CONCLUSION***

This is Charlie O’Donnell’s dead body speaking. Are You Shipping Me is produced by Merv Griffin and distributed by Charles King, both of whom are also necromantic spirits haunting Garrison Kelly’s blog. Even when you feel like dying (on Valentine’s Day), keep climbing the mountain, bitches!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I like to eat my friends and make no bones about it. I like to eat my friends, I wouldn’t do without it. Ain’t a man or poet, friend, I know just how you’ll taste. Your limbs go sliding down my throat and never go to waste. Your death of course will sadden me until I drop your essence. I know your life was not in vain when digestion is commencing. Consider this a celebration and the deepest pact of friends. I hope that you will dine on me when I come to an end. Even friends may come to you with a newfound revelation. But think of it as life renewed and not the termination. “To know you is to eat you” should be the code of lovers. Death brings the highest act of love reserved for one another. People say that what you are is only what you eat. My friends become a part of me, it’s then that life’s complete. To know you is to eat you, the act of love supreme. Each one of us inside himself can appetize the dream.”

-The Police singing “Friends”-

Seaside Vacation

***SEASIDE VACATION***

From May 3^rd to the 5^th (Wednesday through Friday), I’m headed out to Seaside, Oregon for a vacation with my parents. I’ve been to this city three different times and it never loses its beauty. Dog friendliness, fun beaches, lovely weather, good food, and lots to do; that’s Seaside in a nutshell. During these three days of rest and relaxation, there will be no creative output from me other than reading my book and maybe some photography (which I won’t upload until after I get home). However, since the WSS contests begin every Wednesday with a new prompt, I’ll only be gone until Friday, so that means I have Saturday to recover and Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday to pump out the next chapter of Demon Axe. Keep your fingers crossed that I get to do some writing before the next contest. There will be another vacation I’ll tell you guys about two weeks from the Seaside one, so look forward to that blog entry in the near future. I may be gone, but I’ll always come back and chitchat with my awesome audience. I may even do some of that when I’m using the hotel computer or an internet café. See you later, alligators!

***DEMON AXE, CHAPTER 22***

The novel’s almost over, folks. Just this chapter and an epilogue are all I have left. I don’t want to give away too much of chapter 22 because I ended chapter 21 on a cliffhanger. Roger Zee sees something out in the distance that keeps him from slashing the hell out of our main heroes. If you’ve figured out what this is, then congratulations to you. If you haven’t, enjoy the surprise. Hopefully it won’t translate to a Deus Ex Machina surprise.

***WRESTLING JOKE OF THE DAY***

If John Cena and Nikki Bella ever decide to have a child together and it’s a daughter, they probably shouldn’t name her Tina. Nothing says “Gooker Award Winner” like a grown woman named Tina Cena.

Distractions From Eating

***DISTRACTIONS FROM EATING***

I have my creative work to thank for a lot of things in my life whether it’s easing schizophrenic symptoms, getting my voice out there, or just having some good old fashioned imaginative fun. Now I have another thing I can thank my art for: distracting me from overeating. As many of you know, I’ve struggled with my weight for a good portion of my adult life. I’ve tried the Atkins Diet and was successful with it, but only temporarily. My main problem was that I was always bored and overeating was my favorite source of fun. It didn’t matter if it was McDonald’s, candy bars, soda, or pizza; if I was bored and junk food was available to me, I would wolf it down and feel like shit afterwards.

Say whatever you will about my skill level with drawing pictures or my frequency of cat pictures, but alongside my writing, reading, and editing, they’ve been welcome distractions from overeating. And whenever I posted a piece of art to my social media accounts, I would scroll through my pictures and admire my handiwork, not because I’m an arrogant jerk, but because I don’t have to think about eating. Even when I’m watching What Culture’s WWE videos or Last Week Tonight with John Oliver episodes on You Tube, I’m doing something other than stuffing my face. Living in a boring place like Port Orchard, it’s easy to give into your food-related vices since there are restaurants, grocery stores, and convenience stores pretty much everywhere you go.

Ever since I’ve been occupying my mind in even the smallest ways, I’ve been eating less frequently and looking better in the mirror as a result. If I ever did get bored enough to eat, I’d usually drink a bottle of distilled water instead and piss away the pounds. I drank a lot of water and ate minimally while I was in Hawaii and have already noticed changes in my body. When I first flew from Seattle to Kauai, I would need a seatbelt extender. When I returned home to Sea-Tac, the airplane seatbelts fit perfectly fine. I’ve also noticed that I’m getting full off of less food and I’m not huffing and puffing when I return home from my walks.

Obviously, I’m still a heavy guy and there are times where I occasionally grab a bag of Mickey D’s or a Pizza Hut pizza. I am by no means a weight loss guru or a super athlete. However, I’m not the only one who says that overeating can be triggered by moments of extreme boredom. Scientific studies, gym teachers, food documentaries, I’ve heard them all echo these sentiments. While I understand that what works for one person won’t necessarily work for the other, I can say with confidence that little distractions are helping me lose weight. It may be a slow process and I may have miles to go, but the thing about losing weight is that you feel the effects right away. Your mood improves, you have more energy, and you look at yourself in the mirror with less judgment.

But of course, there are days when I don’t feel like working on creative endeavors. Today was one of those days. My guess is that I’m still in recovery mode from these past few days of housework and remodeling and that’s why my brain doesn’t want to cooperate with me. Hell, I had to go to the chiropractor yesterday after lifting a whole bunch of heavy furniture. I had a shelf break because it carried a shit ton of CD’s. Dale wasn’t happy about that since he’s in no way a musical person. He doesn’t understand the beauty of David Draiman’s golden voice or Dimebag Darrell Abbot’s shredding guitars. All that aside, I was definitely in need of some recuperation. I’m a fragile introvert after all.

Even with all of this mental exhaustion working against me, I managed to only eat two meals and I got full after both of them. They weren’t even big meals, at least not compared to what I ate before. My afternoon snack consisted of three plums. My first official meal was at 5:00 at night and it was a baked potato with no toppings, a portion of spam, and a banana. At 8:45, I ordered a sandwich and breadsticks from Domino’s Pizza, both of which aren’t even close to being as fattening as a full pizza. I have no plans to end the night with more food.

I may have to spend some more time in recovery mode tomorrow and the next few days because that’s when my family and I are going to paint my bedroom walls light blue. We might do one or two walls one day and do the rest of it over the course of Monday and Tuesday. I won’t have to do a whole lot to disconnected my electronics since they’re all hooked up to a power strip. We’re not going to move out my furniture for the painting process; we’re just going to scoot it over a few feet. God, I love my wooden floors! I would have never been able to scoot things over on a dust-collecting carpet.

I hope all of my readers are doing okay considering what a wild and crazy October it has been. Halloween is coming up soon and for any metal heads who live near the Tacoma Dome, Five Finger Death Punch and Shinedown are going to perform there on November 5^th with Sixx AM and As Lions opening for them. November is also National Novel Writing Month. Last year I completed the first drafts of my Poison Tongue Tales stories. This year I’m going to storm through all 17 remaining chapters of Demon Axe. I’m also going to use some of those days to compete in the WSS contests like I normally do.

We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

One of the best things about being in recovery mode is that I still have enough mental energy to pump out a drawing or two. Although to be honest, I’ve gotten a little bit rusty with my latest effort, a picture of Detective Shawn Henry from Demon Axe. I’ll do better next time when the time comes to draw Edge Spider, the drug dealing gangster from the Poison Tongue Tales 2 cyberpunk story The Audiomancer. One of the pieces of advice I constantly receive from Angie at the WSS is to write about villains who are sane-minded since they’re scarier than the wild and crazy ones. I hope I achieved that with Edge Spider.

***VIDEOGAME DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

MIKE HAGGAR: Hello? Mayor Haggar here.

DAMNED: Hehehe! Mr. Haggar, I’m so pleased to make your acquaintance. I believe you know who I am. Don’t hang up! We have an important business proposition for you: your daughter for your cooperation. Plus, we’ll throw in a monthly bonus to your salary.

MIKE HAGGAR: What?! What’s happened to Jessica?! Who is this?!

DAMNED: Not so fast, Mike. Turn on your TV.

MIKE HAGGAR: You son of a…what have you done with her?!

DAMNED: Nothing yet, but we’d enjoy the opportunity. Listen to reason, man. Why make your job difficult? Just let us do as we please like the mayor before you did! Agh-hahahahaha!!

-Final Fight-

Not For Business

***NOT FOR BUSINESS***

When I was transitioning from a kid to an adult, I gave up acting out scenes with my action figures and Legos. I had the mindset that if I wasn’t doing something to further my future career as a screenwriter (which is what I wanted to be at the time), then extracurricular activities were unnecessary and therefore a waste of time. I’m sure there are many adults who feel business-minded enough that their careers are their whole lives.

I’m telling you all right now, your career, no matter how passionately you feel about it, is not your whole life, and no extracurricular activities you undertake are a waste of time. Putting time into a career is only a small part of what life is supposed to be. The other part of that equation is…living! I had this struggle when I was drawing pictures of my characters for the first time. At first I thought to myself, “What does drawing pictures have to do with my career as a writer?” Technically, I could put them in my books as part of a mini-gallery, but ultimately, drawings have little impact on my writing career. The past me would have been terrified at that notion. The current version of me couldn’t give two shits.

Working the same job for endless hours can get tiring no matter how dedicated you are. Even the most passionate people have to learn to step away for a while and take the edge off. The now former drummer for Nothing More, Paul O’Brien, left the band because the hectic touring schedule has completely drained him. He was already dealing with social anxiety and depression, so having an off switch for his career was next to impossible. Luckily, he’s still on good terms with his Nothing More band mates. But some coworkers and bosses aren’t so forgiving. CM Punk left the WWE on sour terms because his body was aching and nobody was giving him a break. When you have to quit your career just to take the edge off, that’s a sign that you needed to take the edge off a long time ago, but in shorter bursts.

So don’t feel guilty about getting nothing done to advance your career whatever that may be. Take a break. Feel good about feeling good. Watch a new show. Go for a walk. Find new music to listen to. Draw some pictures. Play some videogames. Hit the reset button on your mind and it when it comes time to get back to work, know your escapes will always be there for you. Do you think Dante and Randal from Clerks feel like serving the community all day long? Bullshit, man! They’re on the roof playing hockey and going for road trips to funeral homes! You can add years to your life, but first you have to learn to add life to your years. And if your legacy isn’t immortalized in bronze by the time life is over, just know that it never had to be. Do what makes you happy with the life you have left. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

　

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTEST AND COMPANY***

It’s a new week at the WSS, which means a new prompt for both storytellers and poets. Since I’m the former of those two, I’m going to write a Cat Lady story called “Ottie-Doo”, which goes like this:

　

CHARACTERS:

　
　

Ottie, Elderly Witch Kitty
Randy Fender, Backwoods Cult Leader
Random Cult Members

　

　
PROMPT CONFORMITY: Ottie is a cat who also happens to be a lady.

　

　
SYNOPSIS: Randy has plans to sacrifice Ottie in order to gain her magic powers. What he didn’t count on was Ottie tapping into her powers to fight back against the hairy cultist. The elderly kitty has an entire compound full of followers to fight off, but if anybody can do it, it’s the kitty who throws fireballs just for fun.

　

　

***DRAWING***

My next picture will be of Julian Heath, the gnome rogue protagonist from the Poison Tongue Tales short story “Ascension” (a title that will eventually change). I’m going to try and draw Julian in a way that will take up the whole page, but will also magnify his short stature. I’ve only successfully done this a handful of times, my most recent instance being with Baby from “Nail Bomb” (also from Poison Tongue Tales).

　

***PHOTOGRAPHY***

I’m normally known for taking pictures of my toys and my animals. I don’t take selfies often because I don’t like how the pictures magnify my overweight features. When I dress in my Slipknot costume for Halloween this year, I won’t mind the flashing camera so much. In fact, being overweight will probably help me look scarier than I already will be in that costume. Hehe!

　

***READING***

Now that Daniel Bryan’s memoir has been read and reviewed, it’s time to move on to a more time-sensitive piece of literature. Edward Davies, the author of Divine Intervention, encouraged me to join a group on Good Reads called Read Together, Blog Together. For the month of September, one the books under review is “So…I Met a Vampire” by Paul McAvoy. It’s a quick and short read, so the review should be up in no time at all.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I’m gonna drink a big glass of milk, eat some chocolate chip cookies, and then maybe I’ll take three Viagra.”

-The Rock mocking Kurt Angle-