Get Me Out of Here

I drink my nectarine juice with no BPAs

The plane’s exhaust fumes shit on the EPA

Babies are crying and cracking my skull

Drunken lunatic tries to give the latch a pull

Horny ass couples suck on faces and tits

Flight attendants’ short fuses are blown to bits

The Air Marshal fell asleep on the job

Get me out of here, I’m ready to sob

I’ll swan dive to the streets of London

Or to France for some Paris lovin’

Parachute to the beaches of Mexico

Pancake on the deserts of Texas, NO!

Anywhere is better than the airplane

Even hell starts to sound a little bit tame

The high winds will cut me to shreds

At least I’ll have my own graveyard bed

I’ll take matters into my own hands

If this plane doesn’t want to fucking land

Chuck the dipshits out of the airlock

Drag them by their greasy coach hair locks

One by one the angels fly to heaven

Or they splat at the seven-eleven

Or they’re floating on the whale road

Silence has become their only code

Oh, my word, I’ve become a flight risk

Pain in the neck like a broken cervical disk

TSA might have to pat my ass down

I’ll leave a present, something warm and brown

They say I might cause another nine-eleven

I can’t even fly a seven-forty-seven

But if it helps them sleep at night

Keep my prison cell locked up tight

Valentine's Day Comes Early

***VALENTINE’S DAY COMES EARLY***

I’ve got to be honest with you guys. My past few blog entries have been rife with negativity and that’s not who I want to be. With Valentine’s Day only a month and a half away, my heartache will only get worse. But we’re not going to spend that special occasion pining over stupid shit. We’re going to celebrate VD (in January) by playing one of my favorite games of all time. It’s America’s game, but it ain’t Squeal of Fortune or Geo-Parody. This game is called…ARE…YOU….SHIPPING…ME?! And now, here are the stars of our special game: Pat Sajak and Vanna White! Actually, Pat Sajak can get the fuck off the stage, but I’ll gladly keep Vanna around. Hehe!

If you’re not familiar with the rules of this game, don’t worry, because I’ve got them right here. Create a roster of as many fictional characters as you want, but I recommend an equal balance of females and males. Randomly select two names from that list and discuss their potential as a couple. Pay no mind to gender preferences or gender identities, because under these rules, anybody can be a couple with anybody. You’ll get some odd combinations before you get any that actually make sense. Maybe they don’t even have to be a romantic couple. Maybe they’re just platonic? Or family? Or tag team partners? Either way, we’re going to have a lot of fun tonight! I assembled my roster using my Read list from Good Reads. There are twenty names on this list, so that means there’ll be ten couples.

1. Arnold Spirit (“The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian” by Sherman Alexie)
2. Bob (“A Street Cat Named Bob” by James Bowen)
3. Chris Jericho (Former WWE wrestler who wrote three memoirs)
4. Dr. Manhattan (Watchmen)
5. Evan McGann (“The Blade Itself” by Marcus Sakey)
6. Gloria Cavalera (“My Bloody Roots” by Max Cavalera)
7. Homer Simpson (The Simpsons comic books)
8. Jack Tagger (“Basket Case” by Carl Hiaasen)
9. Joker (Batman comic books)
10. Kat Colorado (“Alley Kat Blues” by Karen Kijewski)
11. Kelly Carlin (George Carlin’s daughter and author of “A Carlin Home Companion”)
12. Piper (“The Blood Files” by Marie Krepps and BJ Taylor)
13. Polly Duncan (“Cat Who” series by Lilian Jackson Braun)
14. Saber (“The Benevolent Slayers” by Marie Krepps)
15. Sleeping Beauty (“The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty” by Anne Rice)
16. The Hunter (Andy Peloquin’s books)
17. Trevor’s Mother (“Born a Crime” by Trevor Noah)
18. Tuna (“Chomp” by Carl Hiaasen)
19. Unemployed Man (“The Adventures of Unemployed Man” by Gan Golan and Erich Origen)
20. Viola (“Child of the Night Guild” by Andy Peloquin)

Let’s spin the wheel and win some fabulous prizes! I’d like to buy an R, Pat! Oh wait, I already told you to fuck off. Never mind!

***JACK TAGGER X KAT COLORADO (TAGGERADO)***

Well, what do you know? Our first randomly assembled couple actually makes at least a wee bit of sense! Jack and Kat are both investigators in their respective novels, though Jack is a journalist and Kat is a private detective. Age difference aside, these two could actually help each other through their cases. They’re both witty, smart as hell, sarcastic, and can get the job done no matter how hard the odds are stacked against them. They’re also faithful lovers, so there’s no worry about them breaking up too soon. Yes, this is perfect! This is beautiful! THIS…IS…LOVE!

***THE HUNTER X BOB (BUNTER)***

Okay, I was not expecting this, which was dumb on my part. Hehe! We’ve got a ruthless contract killer and a stray cat who just wants to laze around the space heater. Would The Hunter even have the time to take care of an uncontrollable pet with his merciless killing schedule? Better question is, would he have the heart to do it? Does he respect animals or would he use Bob to feed his Blood Hunger dagger? You would think that because cats are stealthy, they would make good partners in crime for slick rogues like The Hunter. But no…not Bob. Bob just wants to cuddle and lay about. Not good for business.

***DR. MANHATTAN X TUNA (MANHATTUNA)***

Nope, nope, nope, absolutely fucking not. Dr. Manhattan is a billion years old and Tuna is a teenaged girl. No nookie for them! A father-daughter relationship, on the other hand, is a little more realistic. Tuna, in her story, wants to get as far away from her abusive father as possible, lest she get another black eye, or worse. Who better to tell the father to fuck off than a nuclear superhero who can manipulate atoms ever so magically? Jared (the father) wouldn’t stand a goddamn chance. I don’t care how drunk and trigger happy he is; he’s no match for superhero brutality. In addition to providing protection, Dr. Manhattan’s wisdom can also be an educational experience for young Tuna Gordon. I can’t think of a better way to complete childhood!

***POLLY DUNCAN X TREVOR NOAH’S MOTHER (DUNCOAH)***

Maybe not as a lesbian romance, but as best friends, this would actually make sense. Both of them are voracious readers, highly educated, and hardworking. Mrs. Noah could find some peace in Pickaxe County, away from her abusive ex-husband Abel in South Africa. At least Polly Duncan has kitties. I’ll take a comfy kitty over a wife-beater any day of the week. But the question now becomes, how would Mrs. Noah and Polly find common ground religiously? Mrs. Noah is extremely religious while Polly’s faith isn’t well established in the Cat Who books. Would they clash over that or would they find other common ground, such as good books and good food? I want to believe these two would get along just fine…so that’s the conclusion I’ll come to!

***PIPER X ARNOLD SPIRIT (SPIPER)***

Let’s see…how would a love sick Native American teenager get along with a vampire seductress? Not very well, I would assume. Sure, Arnold would be desperate to find love after all the trauma he endured on the reservation, but would he have at least a shred of wisdom to keep his distance from Piper? I don’t know, man. Hormones can be a fickle bitch. Testicular chemicals can make a kid do crazy shit. Anything to get away from the reservation, right? It’s like choosing between death and Unga-Bunga. Get bullied by older kids or get drained and force fucked by Piper and her vampire cohorts. Hmm…decisions, decisions.

***CHRIS JERICHO X VIOLA (JERICHOLA)***

Good god almighty, another adult/teenager couple? Really? In order for this to work, they’d have to be tag team partners and not lovers. Throughout his wrestling career, Chris Jericho has been both a babyface (hero) and heel (villain). He prefers to be a villain and Viola has been brainwashed into being a cutthroat thief. Yep, these two would snatch Tag Team Championship gold in no time at all. I may have stopped watching WWE, but I still know who the Tag Team Champs on both Raw and Smackdown are and neither of them stand a chance against Jerichola, which sounds like the name of a delicious soft drink. Bobby Roode wouldn’t stop saying “Glorious!” all the time. Chad Gable would be too busy finishing Bobby’s catch phrase for him. And Sheamus and Cesaro? Fucking forget it, man! A multi-decade wrestler like Jericho and a stealthy thief like Viola have money written all over them, whether they pickpocket it or earn it by winning matches.

***EVAN MCGANN X SLEEPING BEAUTY (MCBEAUTY)***

Talk about a one-sided, abusive, toxic relationship in the making! Evan McGann is a manipulative criminal with muscles on top of muscles and a psychotic streak a mile long. Sleeping Beauty is a sex slave by nature, having been attached to whoever gives her the kiss that wakes her up. In her story, it’s not a kiss, but a fuck that wakes her up. You think a sick freak like Evan would pass up on that opportunity? Not a chance. The idea of McBeauty makes me want to spit up, which is weird because the couple name sounds like a burger at a fast food restaurant. I should be eager to eat McDonald’s food! But not this kind. This relationship is more poisonous than the pink slime they put in McNuggets.

***THE JOKER X HOMER SIMPSON (HOKER)***

These two don’t have a prayer on planet earth of getting along as a couple, let alone as partners in crime. The Joker would be busy formulating an intricate plot to kill Batman while Homer would be stupidly messing things up, by virtue of his clumsiness or his endless appetite. If The Joker baked a batch of poisoned cookies for Bruce Wayne’s business conference, Homer would eat them. All of them. And he wouldn’t die from it, but he’d shit out Joker gas and put permanent grins on everyone. This…(sigh)…This’ll never work. Ever.

***SABER X KELLY CARLIN (CARLABER)***

A badass sorceress and a badass comedienne? Oh, this is fucking perfect! You talk about girl power? You talk about strong female characters? These two bitches are unstoppable! They’ve got quick wit, unbreakable spirits, and enough emotional baggage to get each other through the hardest times. They’ll have their ups and downs, but as long as they have each other, there’s nothing they can’t achieve. Maybe they can sit around together and listen to old George Carlin routines while laughing their asses off. I can’t think of a better way to spend a Saturday night than that! They can also even each other out since Saber is the hothead and Kelly is the calmer one (she practices Zen). Plus, Carlaber sounds like they’re doing something good for the economy! It’s perfect! It’s fucking perfect!

***GLORIA CAVALERA X UNEMPLOYED MAN (UH…I GOT NOTHING)***

The wife of a heavy metal icon and a superhero who preaches personal responsibility? Gee, what could possibly go wrong? What could go right is Unemployed Man finally finding a job as a roadie for Soulfly. If he’s so fucking responsible, he should be able to ace that job no problem. Or maybe structural unemployment isn’t as simplified as everyone’s making it out to be. Maybe there are outside forces at work. Maybe…just maybe…the system is rigged? Max Cavalera has been telling you that shit for years, but did Unemployed Man listen? Obviously not.

***CONCLUSION***

This is Charlie O’Donnell’s dead body speaking. Are You Shipping Me is produced by Merv Griffin and distributed by Charles King, both of whom are also necromantic spirits haunting Garrison Kelly’s blog. Even when you feel like dying (on Valentine’s Day), keep climbing the mountain, bitches!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I like to eat my friends and make no bones about it. I like to eat my friends, I wouldn’t do without it. Ain’t a man or poet, friend, I know just how you’ll taste. Your limbs go sliding down my throat and never go to waste. Your death of course will sadden me until I drop your essence. I know your life was not in vain when digestion is commencing. Consider this a celebration and the deepest pact of friends. I hope that you will dine on me when I come to an end. Even friends may come to you with a newfound revelation. But think of it as life renewed and not the termination. “To know you is to eat you” should be the code of lovers. Death brings the highest act of love reserved for one another. People say that what you are is only what you eat. My friends become a part of me, it’s then that life’s complete. To know you is to eat you, the act of love supreme. Each one of us inside himself can appetize the dream.”

-The Police singing “Friends”-

Categories

Garrison’s Library has been up and running since the summer of 2012 and it’s not slowing down anytime soon. Over the years, blogging has become more fun for me creatively than writing short stories or novels. That’s not to say I won’t write short stories or novels anymore, because I will. It’s just that blogging allows me more freedom to do certain things. I’m allowed to publish material about other media without fear of copyright lawsuits. I can show or tell as much as I want to (because I’m technically not telling a story). I only have to write one page worth of material for each post, as opposed to short stories which are generally three.

I originally started this blog with the idea of touting fast-paced books that I’ve read throughout my life. It was supposed to be an internet mecca for Brett Battles’ “The Cleaner” and Sherman Alexie’s “The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian”. When I ran out of books to talk about, I began writing posts dealing with creative writing tropes. Only occasionally did I talk about a piece of media other than a book I already blogged about.

As of today, I’ve divided my posts into multiple categories. They are…

　

1. Fast-Paced Book Touting. I could always do this on Good Reads, but if I did that, I this blog wouldn’t have been born.

2. Creative Writing Tropes. This was my way of sharing my knowledge of the writing game with my readers. I think of the relationship between myself and the audience as a teacher and my students. You know, without the forced extroversion, detention notices, and heartbreaking grades.

3. Unemployed Characters. These are characters I’ve used in past works or haven’t used at all who no longer have a story to call home. Deus Shadowheart was constantly “losing work” and needed a new “job”, if we can use economic lingo for a moment. First he was a videogame character, then he was a movie star, then he was a pro-wrestler, and now I’m planning on using him as a forest-dwelling barbarian. If he loses this job, he just might have to file for unemployment benefits or food stamps. No, I don’t know what that means either.

4. Songs for Creative Fuel. It’s no secret that I’m a music lover. I love a good heavy metal riff as well as the complete opposite of that, which would be a gentle piano lullaby. But sometimes I don’t want a shallow relationship with my music. The songs I choose to blog about have affected me so deeply over the years that if I don’t use them as creative fodder for my stories, it would be a wasted opportunity for me.

5. Dreams. I don’t always remember my dreams by the time I wake up. There are even some that aren’t really noteworthy. For the ones that are, I try to analyze them as best as I can so that they too can be used for creative inspiration. I’ve been trying to access my subconscious for a long, long time now. If it takes a sensory deprivation tank or a good night’s sleep to do it, then let’s dive right in.

6. Couples. I’m writing this blog entry to introduce this one as a new category. I didn’t grow up with much of a romantic life. I’ve had an online girlfriend and I have a current girlfriend who I’m very shy around. Living vicariously through other couples, real or fictional, is another source of creative fuel for me. Whenever I’m not writing about orcs and elves kicking the shit out of each other, I’m usually writing about the love between people and how much they care about each other.

　

Garrison’s Library is coming up on its second anniversary pretty soon. So now I’m pouring a glass of fruity beer and toasting to that. Goodnight, everybody! Sweet dreams! And if you do have sweet dreams, don’t forget to use them as creative fodder!

　

***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***

“The Lego Movie proves once again that Master Building is a natural function.”

-Me-