Jules Winnfield (Pulp Fiction) vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin (WWE): "WHAT?!"

 

Pulp Fiction: What Does Donald Trump Look Like?

 

Jules Winnfield from Pulp Fiction vs. Tim French

 

His last name is French, but he doesn't know why France calls it a Royale with Cheese instead of a Quarter Pounder.

Samuel L. Jackson vs. The Lolita Express

 

Jackie Brown

MOVIE TITLE: Jackie Brown

DIRECTOR: Quentin Tarantino

YEAR: 1997

GENRE: Crime Drama

RATING: R for violence, nudity, and language

GRADE: Pass

LAX flight attendant Jackie Brown is busted by the police for smuggling cocaine and money across the Mexican border. Facing up to five years in prison, the only way out of doing hard time is by ratting out the gun dealer whom the money was supposed to go to, Ordell Robbie. As a sting operation is set up to smuggle the rest of the money out of Mexico, it isn’t always clear who’s double-crossing who. Will Jackie take off with the money herself? Will she stay true to the police or to Ordell? She has the know-how and seductive nature to pull off any deal she wants. Can she do it without getting shot or sent to jail permanently?

First and foremost, the show-stealer of this movie was Samuel L. Jackson as he portrayed Ordell Robbie. His dialogue was delivered naturally and believably. His swearing wasn’t forced at all. He carried himself like the crime lord he was supposed to be. The audience will either be intimidated or thoroughly entertained by Mr. Jackson’s antics (why not both?). However, one of the biggest criticisms this movie got was how frequently the N-word was used by him. To those critics, I say chill out. Quentin Tarantino didn’t write it in the script so many times because he wanted to push a racist agenda. In the criminal underworld, it sounds completely natural, especially coming out of Samuel L. Jackson’s mouth at a hundred miles per hour. This is one instance in cinema history where it’s cool to root for the villain.

Speaking of dialogue, that happens to be one of Quentin Tarantino’s strong suits as a filmmaker and it shows in this movie. While Samuel L. Jackson stole the show, every other cast member could be credited with bringing a believable story to life with their dialogue alone. It could be Pam Grier talking about getting old and starting over again. It could be Bridget Fonda having a casual chitchat with Robert De Niro. It could be Robert Forster talking about how much he hates his job (while still delivering his dialogue like a true professional bondsman). Whether it’s mundane conversation or it actually advances the story, you’ll want to keep your ears open the whole way throughout this movie. It certainly makes up for the oftentimes slow action sequences in between.

If I have one criticism for this movie, it’s that the storyline mechanics were hard to piece together at times. I’m not talking about the audience constantly guessing who Jackie Brown is going to double-cross, that part I’m okay with. I’m talking about keeping up with how the final transaction of Mexican money is supposed to go down. I’m talking about all the ways it went wrong. I’m talking about the climax of the movie and why it couldn’t have happened sooner. I understand that Quentin Tarantino loves his complex storylines, but too much complexity can take the audience out of the viewing experience, especially if things don’t click together by the end credits. But this is a minor criticism at best, so don’t let it discourage you from watching this movie.

I’ve always known that Quentin Tarantino was a master storyteller the minute I watched Pulp Fiction. Watching his other movies, this one included, proves his mantle over and over again. Jackie Brown didn’t feel formulaic. It felt fresh and new despite the fact that it was released in 1997. I hope to one day watch Mr. Tarantino’s entire collection of movies and give them all high praise. But for tonight, Jackie Brown gets a solid four out of five stars.

The Hateful Eight

MOVIE TITLE: The Hateful Eight

DIRECTOR: Quentin Tarantino

YEAR: 2015

GENRE: Western Thriller

RATING: R for violence, swearing, nudity, and rape

GRADE: Pass

A blizzard hits Wyoming in the middle of bounty hunter John Ruth transporting his $10,000 captive Daisy Domergue to Red Rock to be executed. After his stagecoach picks up two extra passengers along the way, Major Marquis Warren and Sheriff Chris Mannix, the travelers are forced to hunker down in a lodge together with other suspicious characters until the blizzard passes over. As the strangers get to know each other, not everyone can keep their stories straight and it leads to paranoid distrust. Bodies begin piling up until their paranoia tapers, which means Daisy’s chances of escaping execution increase even more.

Just like with any other Quentin Tarantino movie, every character is developed through realistic, gritty, and vulgar dialogue. It’s not just cursing and slurs for the sake of edginess. Everything said in this movie has a purpose and nothing goes to waste. This is especially true when Marquis is telling old man Sandy Smithers how the latter’s son died at the former’s hands. It’s also true when John Ruth tells stories about how he prefers to hang his bounties rather than give them an easy route to death. And it’s true again when Chris Mannix brags about his father’s renegade army of confederate remnants fighting for a dying cause. None of the characters’ back stories or present actions make them appear sympathetic, I’ll admit, but if we were meant to sympathize with them, the movie wouldn’t be called the Hateful Eight. This is classic Tarantino storytelling at its apex.

I also must commend the musicianship of Ennio Morricone, who provided most of the soundtrack for this movie. Whenever a feeling of impending doom or hard justice needs to be experienced by the audience, Morricone’s music will make them believe in the brutality they’re seeing onscreen. He has a legendary track record of providing fantastic scores for western movies, so recruiting him was a natural fit on Tarantino’s part. I’m not sure if the Hateful Eight’s soundtrack has been released as a CD or digital album, but if it hasn’t, then it’s a crime. Classical music never goes out of style and even if it did, it can always be revived by conductors like Morricone.

Tarantino movies could be criticized for dragging themselves out too long or being overindulgent in their exposition through dialogue, but in the case of the Hateful Eight, I don’t agree with that sentiment at all. Everything had its place. Every conversation had its own feeling of drama and excitement. If you watch Tarantino movies just for the brutality, you might have to wait a while, but it’ll be worth it in the end. Think of the conversations as the slow build and the violence as the major crescendo in a symphony of masterful filmmaking. I wouldn’t lump John Ruth punching and elbowing Daisy in with that symphony since it was disturbing to watch and out of context it would make John Ruth look like a jerk. Yes, your butt will go numb as you go through this two and a half hour long masterpiece, but when you’re kicking it in the Caribbean, you’ll be saying to yourself, “Marcellus Wallace was right.” Wait a minute, wrong movie! But you get the idea.

While this movie isn’t anything earth shattering, it is a piece of art to be admired and rewatched just to soak in the talents of everybody involved. Samuel L. Jackson was undoubtedly the show stealer when it came to the acting. Ennio Morricone’s music is always heaven on the ears. The story itself can be easily pieced together once the movie draws to its conclusion. All in all, there’s not much to complain about even with the lengthy screen time and the scenes where Daisy gets punched (despite the fact that she too is an unsympathetic villain). A passing grade will go to this modern day Tarantino classic!

Atlas Venom

NAME: Atlas Venom
AGE: 53
OCCUPATION: Dragon Barbarian
CANON: Zeromancer (both incarnations)


It shouldn’t be a secret anymore that my favorite character class in any RPG setting is the barbarian. It’s been that way since I’ve played Hero Quest in the early 1990’s, Diablo II in the early 2000’s, and Dungeons & Dragons 3.5 Edition in 2010. I also happen to be a big fan of dragons. They’re big, they’re nasty, and they breathe fire. It wouldn’t matter if it was a real dragon or one in humanoid form, fuck it, I love them anyways.

What do you get when you combine a favorite class with a favorite race? You get Atlas Venom, Dragon Barbarian. He’s got the scales and fire breath of a dragon and the heavy metal armor and giant battleaxe of a barbarian. You talk about crossover heaven? That’s it, man. End of story. Atlas motherfucking Venom.

As you can tell from his canon, Zeromancer had two different incarnations. One of them was as a movie script in 2009, which served as a prequel to Tower of Heaven, Tower of Hell, and No Towers No Bullshit. Zeromancer explained the origins of the trench coat wearing and machete wielding magi assassins as well as those of the Demonic family bloodline.

But more importantly, it had Atlas Venom as a side character. He was everything you could ever want in a heroic ally: big, strong, powerful, and capable of mowing enemies down while creating a thunderstorm of blood around him. Of course, this was before I knew what a Gary-Stu was. Atlas was very much a Gary-Stu since he just appeared out of nowhere without a background story and only his fighting skills to lend to the party.

The other incarnation of Zeromancer was a four-act novel, each act containing a completely different set of characters only for them to come together in the fourth and final one. Atlas could have just as easily created a storm of blood with his battleaxe prowess and fiery breath. But since he was billed as the main villain of act one, if he did this, we’d have no characters. I often wondered what would have happened if Atlas just went nuts and flattened an entire continent full of people.

The heroes of act one were no slouches, don’t get me wrong. Kento Bladecaptain was a robotic knight who was just getting the hang of feeling emotions despite warnings against it from his dark magic masters Calco and Tazz. The two wizards were so pissed off with Kento that they actually aligned themselves with Atlas Venom.

So now we’ve got a pissed off dragon barbarian and two dark wizards who team up to kick the shit out of the good guys. If it wasn’t for the hyperbolic writing style I employed throughout this story, I could have had an epic confrontation here. Why would I ever think hyperbole was an acceptable writing style? Maybe in comedies, but not if I wanted to be taken seriously as an action-fantasy author.

If I ever decide to use this overly powerful Gary-Stu in my novels again, he’ll definitely be a villain and he’ll need some personality. It’s not enough for him to be a pissed off dragon barbarian who rages through entire planets and slaughters everyone in his path. He needs a reason. He needs strategies. He needs minions. If he was just a mindless berserker, he wouldn’t need to be called Atlas Venom. He could just be a nameless force of nature. But I don’t want that for Atlas. I want him to be a respectable villain.

For a villain of that power to be believable, we have to go back to his barbaric roots. I know I mentioned Hero Quest as one of my influences, but Diablo II was the biggest influence I had when it came to my love of barbarians. And Diablo II had a pain in the ass mega demon for a final boss: Diablo himself. This guy would shoot flame circles and streams of lightning at the players and kill them off instantly. He could do it forever and ever since enemies don’t have a mana pocket.

What made him even more dangerous was Diablo’s motivation: bringing evil to the world. The middle ages were already a tough time for a lot of people, but with Diablo at the helm, it’s nonstop hell. What if Atlas Venom had a similar motivation? What if his form of hellish evil was his barbarian tribe of disgustingly powerful monsters? He might even be able to steal a catchphrase: “Not even death can save you from me!” It’s not enough just to kill someone; Atlas has to send chills down their spine. He can do that if I give him the breathing room to.

One of the ways I made Atlas creepy in the second Zeromancer was by giving him the facial features of a clown. He was still a hideous dragon, but he had clown features as well with white face paint, a goofy nose, and colorful hair. As if clowns needed more reasons to be scary, right? Perhaps it was overkill. Perhaps it was me trying too hard to make him an intimidating villain. If I actually believed the latter, then that’s basically me surrendering to the idea that we can’t have dragon clown barbarians. I say we can. It’s possible if you picture it in your mind. Pennywise and Ronald McDonald would shit their pants at the sight of Atlas Venom if he adopted a clown gimmick. Ooo, talk dirty to me!

If I reincarnate Atlas Venom, I’m going to attempt to have my cake and eat it too. He fits every archetype I could ever love in a dark fantasy character, dragons, clowns, and barbarians aside. With this many archetypes, he could actually be a believable villain with the creepy dialogue and disgusting facial expressions. I believe in him!

　

***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

RESTAURANT MANAGER: Quit being a hero! You’re going to get us all killed! Give him what he wants so we can all get out of here!

JULES: Shut the fuck up, fat man! This ain’t none of your goddamn business!

-Pulp Fiction-

Pulp Fiction

MOVIE TITLE: Pulp Fiction

DIRECTOR: Quentin Tarantino

YEAR: 1994

GENRE: Crime Drama

RATING: R for violence, blood, frequent vulgar language, and sodomy

GRADE: Extra Credit

The overall Pulp Fiction story is a telling of four different crime stories and how by the end of the movie they all intertwine into one underbelly tale. The first quarter of the movie sees low-rent hit men Jules and Vincent retrieving a valuable briefcase for their boss Marcellus Wallace at the expense of the punk kids who stole it.

The second quarter sees Vincent taking Marcellus’ wife Mia out for dinner and dancing at Jack Rabbit Slims and then having to revive her after an overdose.

The third quarter sees heavyweight boxer Butch Coolidge double-crossing Marcellus and then having to secretly retrieve a valuable golden watch from his apartment.

The final portion of the story goes back to the first where Vincent accidentally shoots an informant in Jules’ car and the two of them need to get off the road for a while. Four tales of bloodshed, forced sex, and drug abuse; what else could you ask for in an R-rated crime drama?

There are many theories as to why Pulp Fiction isn’t shown chronologically. My personal theory is because of each character’s path to development. The further the movie goes, the more personal and profound the development.

The first story shows Jules and Vincent doing their job successfully and retrieving a stupid briefcase. It’s early in the story, so not a lot of development will take place.

The second story sees Vincent shooting adrenaline into Mia’s heart and the two of them going from being awkward strangers to the best of friends.

The third story sees Butch rescuing Marcellus Wallace from being sodomized in a pawn shop and the two of them resolving their differences.

But the fourth story, as in the middle of the chronology, is where Jules transforms from a heartless mafia grunt to a soldier of God and the spreader of peaceful messages. We start off with retrieving a stupid briefcase to a total heel to face turn, with some friendships made in the middle. It doesn’t get more developed than that.

The one element of the story that really turned this movie into a cult classic was the dialogue Tarantino wrote for each of his characters. The director grew up in the underbelly of society and absorbed a lot of the vulgar, racist, and sexual dialogue that was used by those criminals.

Criminals have no need for class or political correctness, so the dialogue is perfect for this movie. I’ve personally tried to adopt Quentin Tarantino’s style of speech into my own writing and it sounded sloppy. Mr. Tarantino is the master of what he does; often imitated, never duplicated.

Because of such colorful and creative language, Pulp Fiction is easily one of the most quotable movies of all time. To me and my family personally, quoting this movie is a tradition. There was even a time when I had the entire movie memorized.

Every conversation in this movie counted for something whether it was the sensuality of foot massages, the absence of a certain “sign” in front of Jimmy’s lawn, pigs being filthy animals and therefore inedible, or two rapist serial killers using a child’s nursery rhyme to randomly determine their next victim. If your ears aren’t open for this kick-ass dialogue, then you’re missing out on a huge portion of what makes this movie special.

After hearing everything that needs to be heard, do you at all feel like taking out your wallet (the one that says “Bad Motherfucker”) and forking over some cash to see this 90’s classic? Not only will you say “yes” one time, but you’ll watch this movie over and over again until every last word is etched in your mind and you can recite the whole thing by heart.

It should be no surprise that a movie with this much of a lasting effect would get an Extra Credit grade not only from little old me, but from every movie critic on the planet. That is, unless of course you have a 5^th grade point of view and are too grossed out by the sodomy in the third story (but are perfectly okay with Butch performing oral sex on his girlfriend).

"Go the Fuck to Sleep" by Adam Mansbach

Getting a child to sleep is one of the most difficult tasks in the modern world. Sure, you can try rocking him back and forth, giving him a glass of warm milk, or even dipping his pacifier in a bottle of cough syrup, which I don’t recommend. But sooner or later, probably at 3:00 in the morning, you’re going to hear a combination of teeny tiny footsteps and either crying or pleading. When all else fails, there’s one more solution you can turn to in order to salvage the remains of your sanity. It’s a bedtime story parody for adults called “Go the Fuck to Sleep”, written by a father who went through all of the BS that comes with raising a child. In a tender daddy voice, the author, Adam Mansbach, lets the child know that he doesn’t give a crap if you’re thirsty for water, hungry for a snack, desperate for a bathroom trip, or bored without having a Disney movie playing in the background. One way or another, you’re going the fuck to sleep. And if the idea of a tender daddy voice reading this blunt story isn’t satisfying enough, then feel free to get on You Tube and search for a video where Samuel L. Jackson reads it out loud. Yes, that video exists. The same guy who dared Brett to say “What?” one more time, motherfucker, is narrating this harshly honest book of what all parents are thinking when putting their kids to bed. That way, if your child can’t sleep because he’s hungry for a snack, then he and Mr. Jackson can share a giant bag of Big Kahuna burgers together before washing them down with a tasty Sprite. But since Samuel L. Jackson is a little bit difficult to find these days, you’ll have to buy the book and have the cathartic experience yourself. Come to think of it, it’s probably not a good idea to read this story to your kids because of the language. If nothing else, it’s a very satisfying and giggly book. It goes by excessively fast, but only because it’s a parody of what impatient children love to hear at bedtime. Keep this book proudly in your own personal library. It just may be a better form of birth control than condoms and pills put together. What’s that? You already have children? No worries, it just means you can relate to this wonderful piece of literature even more. Thank you, Adam Mansbach, for saying what we’re all thinking deep down inside.

　

***REAL LIFE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

ME: Have you ever wondered why your parents fed you corndogs, popsicles, and tacos?
FRIEND: Because they wanted me to grow up big and strong.
ME: Oh yeah! They love watching you eat your favorite foods!
FRIEND: Garrison, that’s sick!