Movie Review: Redemption (SPOILERS and TW for Child Abuse)

MOVIE TITLE: Redemption

RELEASE DATE: 2007

DIRECTOR: Michael Bryson

GENRE: Short Film (22 minutes)

SUBGENRE: Psychological Drama

RATING: Unrated, but contains emotional and physical child abuse

GRADE: A

 

Because the run time is only 22 minutes, it’s impossible to discuss the plot points without crossing into spoiler territory, so if you don’t want spoilers, leave now and read something else.

 

And because this is a short film made by a low-budget indie company, it really does show when they film within their means. The camera work, the editing, the sound quality, yes, it all screams low-budget indie film. Don’t let that factor into your enjoyment when watching this movie. Enjoyment might not be the right word because of how triggering some of the content is, but if you’ve been spoiled by Hollywood movie effects, it’ll be jarring to see something of this quality. The acting, the storyline, and the psychology behind this film more than make up for it.

 

Every actor who played a part in Redemption did their job and did it convincingly. When the mother beats the little girl after a bedwetting accident, you feel the daughter’s pain through her visceral screams and heart-wrenching cries. You feel it all over again when the mother forces her daughter to go outside in public with a diaper on so that everyone can scrutinize her shame. The daughter’s body language, her pouting, her head tucked in her lap, you know she’s going through abuse even without seeing the violence yourself, though including the violence on screen was necessary to drive the point home. You understand that the mother mourns the death of her husband. She’s lost without him, but instead of being there for her daughter, who also lost a father, the mother beats and humiliates her with forced infantilization. Yes, the daughter accidentally distracted her dad and caused him to crash the car and die, but she was a kid being playful, not malicious. The guilt of causing her father’s death compounded with the vengeful abuse from her mother create a cocktail of trauma for her to grow up with. The traumatic events are different for all of us in this life, but nobody makes it out unscathed. The daughter is relatable on some level. That’s why we don’t shame her when she finds a pistol in her mother’s nightstand drawer and shoots her.

 

I have one nitpick about the plot going forward from this point, but it’s not enough to lower my grade. After shooting her abusive mother, the daughter grows up and gets married without any mention of her serving jail time for what she did. Yes, she was in the right, but this movie was filmed in Texas, so I’m assuming the story takes place there, too. The right-wing Texas government doesn’t give a damn about women and girls and will go to any lengths to subjugate them. If the daughter did serve time in jail, it was awfully short and a surprisingly gentle experience that didn’t make her worse. But at the end of the day, there’s a story to tell and it has nothing to do with the Texas prison system. The movie is called Redemption and by God, that’s what we’re going to get.

 

Another nitpick, but it’s one some other audience members might have: the narrator’s voice. Obviously, the story is narrated by the abused girl who grows up into a psychotically traumatized adult. Her voice is nasally, whiny, and subdued. Some audience members might be put off by her voice, but not me. That’s the voice of someone who’s been forced to endure infantilization against her will. That’s the voice of a child who never had the chance to grow up and experience life. And yes, when you experience a significant amount of childhood trauma, it changes your voice. There’s actual science behind that. I’m glad the director chose to tell the story that way, because it makes perfect sense.

 

And then there’s a nitpick that certain members of the diaper community have voiced on the internet that I can’t take seriously: “Uh, why didn’t she just marry a guy with a diaper fetish?” Because that’s not the point of the story! She’s not wearing diapers as an adult to entice her husband. She’s wearing them because they feel familiar, even if that place of familiarity was dark and terrifying. A familiar trauma will always gain favor over the scariness of the unknown. We like familiarity, because it cuts down on anxiety, ironically enough. You could argue that it’s not a man’s job to fix broken women in the same way that it’s not a woman’s job to fix broken men. But her husband loves her for who she is. He married her for a reason. He didn’t get in the relationship specifically to fix her. But when he sees her wearing a diaper and laying on a bed full of crime scene photos, he doesn’t want to judge or laugh. He wants to heal her. He wants to be supportive and help her move on.

 

The movie ends when he tears up a crime scene photo and embraces her, allowing her to shed tears on his strong shoulders. The fact that she was able to maintain a relationship for as long as she did is nothing short of a miracle. That alone is a strong thing for a traumatized woman to do. Now it’s her turn to be taken care of, by someone who actually loves her and won’t punish her for simple mistakes no matter how deadly they turn out to be. The little girl started off in a happy family, then tragedy struck, then she survived abuse, and now she found love again. It’s a psychologically sound story to tell.

 

I wish that all survivors of abuse find their way back to love, in whatever form that may take. It doesn’t have to be through marriage. It could be platonic love. It could be found family rather than blood family. It could be through taking care of a furry friend like a dog or a cat. We do have to break the cycle eventually, but we don’t have to do it alone nor should we. It takes a village to raise a traumatized child. It takes love in all of its forms to get us back on the right path. The daughter could have continued down a violent path. But she didn’t. She broke the cycle. I love stories about breaking the cycle. They’re relatable, they’re hard-hitting, and they remind us over and over again that we’re not alone in this world. Even if you come from a loving family, you can suffer abuse from other people outside of your home. Your parents are not your only influence in life. Whoever influences you the most, for better or worse, may you one day find your redemption and healing. This movie gets an A grade for the acting and story alone. If you want special effects, go to a WWE show, if you can afford it. You might have to dig into your college trust fund to pay for tickets, or sell one of your kidneys. Redemption, on the other hand, is easy to find online if you look hard enough for it. Am I talking about the movie or actual redemption? Yes, I am.

Monuments of Cringe

There are certain parts of your past where you should not plant your flagpole. There are certain hills you don’t want to die on. There are certain dumpster fires in your life that will burn you so badly that your ashes will blow away like a fart in the wind. The other day I discovered one of mine that I’m probably going to regret sharing with the world. I signed up for a Letterboxd account so that I could have a place to post my movie reviews. One of those reviews was for the 1985 film adaptation of Clue. I wrote this review when I was thirty years old, so I should have been mature enough to not go through with this horrible shit. But in this review, I…um…I, uh…laughed at Miss Scarlet’s “fruit” joke about Mr. Green (who’s gay) and I…suggested that it’s okay to ogle Yvette the Maid before you realize what she looks like now that she’s older.

That Clue review was what I like to call a Monument of Cringe, of which I have thousands of all over the internet. I read what I wrote and I cringed in disgust. My face was the color of zerg piss. My body shivered like someone dropped a toaster in my bathtub. My insides melted into whale slurry at the thought of someone eventually finding this review and broadcasting it out the world. And then the internet celebrates my past mistake with the hashtag “Garrison Kelly Is Over Party”, although my writing career won’t be derailed because I never went far to begin with. I’m grateful to have a small audience. But what if it grows overnight and they wade through this museum of cringe together? All of my embarrassment broadcast for the world to see. Hell, I probably said some embarrassing shit in this essay right now that I’ll get raked over the coals because of.

So what do you do when you realize that you have Monuments of Cringe all over the internet? What do you do when you realize your own published books are Stonehenges of Cringe? What do you do when you realize you built an entire legacy out of being disgusting and horrible in the way you’ve written? Nothing. You don’t delete your entire social media presence. You don’t pull your books off the shelves. If you must apologize to your audience, do so in a genuine and heartfelt way. Don’t make excuses. Remind your audience that they deserve better behavior from someone they look up to. And when you promise to keep growing, keep that promise and be the best version of yourself that you can be.

Because the truth is, a lot of art from the past doesn’t age well. Remember Ace Ventura: Pet Detective? Remember how the audience hee-hawed when they discovered that Einhorn had a boner in her underwear? Well, if you’ve made any effort to unlearn that behavior, you’ll see that transphobia is more harmful than funny and should therefore stay out of comedy forever. Remember all those jokes you heard from Boomer comedians about how much they hate their wives? Remember when the ultra-fat dinner guest ate the “wafer-thin mint” in Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life and then exploded all over the restaurant? Do you know why these things and many other pieces of media are now considered Monuments of Cringe? Because we’re (hopefully) learning more about the world around us. The more we learn, the more we apply it. And the more we apply it and grow into better people, the less likely we are to hold onto piss-poor nostalgia. That’s how life works: it progresses into the future.

I’ve decided after spiraling into disgust at my own past, I’m going to keep my Monuments of Cringe up. Not only do I have so many of them out there that I can’t get rid of them all, but I continue to create them in the present day and there will come a time when they age badly too. Learning to be a better person isn’t something that stops happening when you get to a certain point. It keeps going and going until the day you’re lowered into a wooden box with RIP scrawled across it. You can’t change the past no matter how hard you try. Yes, people will willingly see the ugliest parts of you before they see the best. But for every zergling and goblin that eats you alive, there are even more people who love you. You have to go out of your way to find them, but love is there if you look for it. Hell, there are people who still love J.K. Rowling even though she’s a transphobic bastard. There’s hope for you yet if you have even half the number of Monuments of Cringe that I do.

Perfection is a myth. Everybody has something they’re not proud of. Those who work on atoning for their worst behavior will successfully do so. Those who can’t admit it when they’ve fucked up? Well, let’s just say the over party will be complete with a disco ball and a bowl full of cheese dip. I’m telling you all now that if you happen to stumble upon my Monuments of Cringe and you think the worst of me, I apologize with all of my heart. If it’s years after the fact and another person finds them, I’ll apologize again. And if the future continues to roll on and I get called out for it again, I’ll apologize again. And again. And again. And again. While it is true that you can’t please everybody, you should at least try to be a halfway decent person even if perfection is indeed a myth. You may feel like you’re being looked at under a microscope. I do too sometimes. But if you think you feel alone, try being in the shoes of someone you’ve disenfranchised with your worst behavior.

But if you must hold an over party in my name, at least bring refreshments. Bring lots of Diet Coke. Bring enough pizzas to touch the ceiling. Bring enough bags of potato chips to give me the heart attack you’ve always wanted me to have. While I am sorry for every horrible thing I’ve said over my lifetime, I do indeed have a life to live. Will I live it with you? Will we eat potato chips together and dip them in a wading pool full of sour cream? Will we shove giant handfuls of cake in our mouths and talk about the world together (not with our mouths full, of course)? When I’m done atoning for my sins, I want to party with all of you. The Garrison Kelly over party has a conga line that I’ll gladly lead. Let’s party like it’s…a year that hopefully aged better than whatever god awful nonsense the 80’s and 90’s were. But if you ask me, I’ve erected more Monuments of Cringe in the 2000’s than at any point in my career. Remember Deus Shadowheart and Dr. Scott Cain? No? Good, let’s keep it that way.

"The Ever-Burning Light" by K.L. Cottrell

 BOOK TITLE: The Ever-Burning Light

AUTHOR: K.L. Cottrell

YEAR: 2015

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Contemporary Fantasy

GRADE: A

January 11th, 2021. That was the date I officially began reading this novel. Just a few days before that, Trump supporters stormed the US Capitol in an attempt to overthrow the government. With the world turning to dust, I needed all the positivity I could get to override my own depression and anger. And that’s where the magic of K.L. Cottrell’s writing comes into play. Yes, the Light Trilogy has a lot of horrific violence and demonic enemies, but none of that stops the overall presentation of this novel from having a positive aura. The main characters genuinely love each other and there’s not an ounce of toxicity between them. Their Light Force magic depends on them being optimistic in order for it to work. Ridding the world of evil monsters isn’t an easy job by any stretch of the imagination, so why do it alone when you’ve got awesome people to share that experience with?

Speaking of which, guess who gets his own redemption arc? Rafe a.k.a. Marienne’s ultra-jealous ex-boyfriend. I’ve been hard on him in my reviews of the first two books in the Light Trilogy and rightfully so. I kept wondering why he turned out to be Light rather than a Hellion, Crazy, or Tatt. To finally see him turn over a new leaf and become a better human being is refreshing to me. It’s not like he committed genocide in the first two books; he was just an insufferable jerk. He’s perfectly qualified for a redemption arc. In fact, I got a little teary eyed every time I saw him make progress against his own demons. That was different! I like that!

You know who doesn’t get a redemption arc? Leuan Cain, the head villain in charge of it all. He has the ability to seduce ordinary people into believing everything he says. And when he doesn’t get his way, he destroys everything and everyone with dark magic. It’s not just shadows and tricks. It’s suffocation. It’s exhaustion. It’s insanity and horror. It’s guilt and shame built up over all this time of fighting evil. If Donald Trump had dark magic abilities at his disposal, he too could do everything Leuan Cain does in this novel. That’s scary to think about. But if Marienne and Gabe can believe in the power of their own love, they can believe in their ability to murder Cain once and for all.

Everything clicked into place for this novel. The violent and torturous parts of the book hit so hard that even the reader will feel them for days. The loving and emotional parts of the book will bring the reader back to heaven in no time at all. This couldn’t even be considered “toxic positivity” because it feels genuine and heartfelt. That’s because the author believes in everything she’s writing. She believes in love. She believes in friendship. She believes in redemption. Every one of those traits shines through brilliantly in her novel. All in all, this was a lovely way to wrap up a wonderful trilogy. It’s almost as if the readers will walk away from this experience with their own form of optimistic Light magic. This book deserves not only an A+, but it deserves to exceed the 100% barrier.

"The Hunger Games: Catching Fire" by Suzanne Collins

 BOOK TITLE: The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

AUTHOR: Suzanne Collins

YEAR: 2009

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Dystopian Sci-Fi

GRADE: A

Throughout my reading of this particular novel, I kept joking to anyone who would listen about how it feels weird reading dystopian fiction during dystopian times. As of this review, it’s December 2020 and there’s one month left before Joe Biden is sworn in as president of the United States. Corona Virus, Donald Trump’s presidency, police brutality, wildfires, these are all things that qualify 2020 as a dystopian year. I’m sure it feels even weirder for Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark, the two survivors of the first Hunger Games book. They have to go on an elaborate PR campaign for the Capitol and President Snow while also leaving subtle hints at a possible rebellion against the tyrannical futuristic government. Punishments for any sort of rebellion can include lashing, bombing, tongue mutilation, and even death. The fact that Katniss can inspire hope and individuality to everyone she meets even in subtle ways speaks volumes as to what kind of powerful character she can be. She’s not going through the motions; she’s an active character with opinions, believes, and skills to back them up. You feed your children a steady diet of Hunger Games books and wonder why they want to grow up to be like Katniss. Generation Z definitely has their fair share of Katnisses and it’s glorious!

But more often than not, some audience members will remember The Hunger Games series not as a playbook for dissent, but as a YA novel with a…(gasp)…love triangle! Everyone enjoys making fun of love triangles, because they’re so tropey and cliché…or so I’ve heard (I can’t confirm this). It’s true: there’s a love triangle going on between Katniss, Peeta, and Gale. Her relationship with Peeta is out of necessity to keep the Capitol from suspecting dissent while her relationship with the coal miner Gale is one of genuine love and romance. Get your laughs out while you still can, because I actually believe this love triangle was done effectively. Of course Katniss has to keep up appearances! Fooling the Capitol into believing they have her wrapped around their fingers is part of how she stays alive! But more importantly, it’s a way of keeping her family and Gale alive simultaneously. Katniss wears a lot of hats in this book and if even one of them slips off her head, she’s toast. And besides, even if she was romantically interested in both Gale and Peeta at the same time, so what? Is polyamory really such a bad thing? Do we really want to teach our YA audience that love is to be suppressed and shaped into a puritan image? If Katniss can rebel against an entire dystopian government, I’m sure she has no problem with rebelling against a chuckling audience.

Can we talk about the violent aspects of this book for a minute, please? Can we talk about Gale getting lashed over a dozen times for doing something minor and insignificant to anger the Capitol? Can we talk about the concept of Avoxes, who are butlers and maids with mutilated tongues? Can we talk about Katniss breaking her tailbone and heel long before the Quarter Quell begins? What, you thought the Hunger Games were over in the first book? Oh, are you in for a shock! We’ve got more bloody battles to attend to! Trident warfare, knife throwing, acid rain, archery, and electrical shocks can all be expected in this brutal novel. Although this book can be categorized as an action-adventure of sorts, the violence is meant to disturb, not entertain. Every blow the characters feel, the audience feels tenfold. It’s a reminder of how barbaric violence as a whole can be. It’s even worse when the characters realize it’s the only way they stand a chance against an oppressive government under President Snow’s rule. There’s only so much one can take before they push back even harder against their attackers. You poke the bear long enough, the bear is going to maul and eat you alive. While Katniss doesn’t have the physical intimidation of a grizzly bear, she does have the emotions of one and that will serve her well throughout this rebellion.

Remember how I said it felt weird reading dystopian fiction during dystopian times? It still is an uncomfortable experience. But at the same time, it’s necessary. We need to make our voices heard. We need to bring change despite overwhelming forces holding us down. While I wouldn’t recommend shooting bows and arrows at people or electrifying them in beach water, I do recommend rebellion as an idea. Every success we’ve ever had in this world is because we fought for it. Those in charge aren’t going to give us what we want until we fight for it. It’s true in real life and it’s true in The Hunger Games: Catching Fire. Yes, it’s a YA novel, but anybody can get behind the message regardless of their age. I give this book a solid five out of five stars. I’ll probably do the same for the third book in the series, whenever I get around to reading that one too.

"Force of Nature" by C.J. Box

BOOK TITLE: Force of Nature
AUTHOR: C.J. Box
YEAR: 2012
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Mystery Thriller
GRADE: Extra Credit

I don’t give five-star reviews very often. When I do, it’s because the book wasn’t just likeable, but it moved me in some way. I’ve always known Mr. Box to be a competent writer, but I wasn’t expecting to be completely blown away by this piece of fiction. The action and drama in this mystery made me feel alive. It heightened senses within me that were otherwise dulled by the COVID-19 pandemic going on and all the psychological fallout from that. Why wouldn’t this book be exciting? You’ve got a hardnosed warrior named Nate Romanowski who’s in a cat and mouse game with his former commander. You’ve got the always professional Game Warden Joe Pickett, whose family is being threatened by this bloody struggle. You’ve got increased paranoia and distrust among people who are supposed to be supportive of Joe and Nate. You’ve got all the makings of a tried-and-true thriller turned up to twenty. Bloody violence, enigmatic characters, betrayal, and no reason to believe that Nate and Joe are capable of winning. Do they? You’ll ask yourself that question all throughout this reading experience. You’ll have doubts as your anxiety increases. If they do win (and that’s a big if), you’d better believe they’re walking away with trauma and scars.

Speaking of trauma, the way C.J. Box portrays Nate Romanowski is just as disturbing and cold as the character himself. He’s not just an emotionless killer. He’s got an entire history behind him that bubbles to the surface far too often for the reader’s comfort. The military training he had to endure, the fallout with his father, and the coldness required for training falcons, they all will send a chill up and down your spine as if you’re actually trapped in Wyoming’s winter weather. You’ll be eternally grateful that Nate is one of the good guys, because if he for some reason turned evil, this world would turn into a bloodbath. Sometimes you wonder if his innocence is completely gone and maybe he does have evil tendencies. He’s a shades-of-gray hero, but those shades are darker than the night sky. If you ever see Nate Romanowski in real life, you’d better turn the other way and run. He’s got his morals for sure, but he’s also got a heart of stone that could make even the toughest of tough guys knock their knees together in fear. If you think he’s all bark and no bite, just watch the way he tortures people to get what he wants and how quickly he can kill someone in a life-or-death brawl.

The minor role characters can be just as compelling to read about. The one I feel like I have to talk about the most is Pam Kelly, whose husband Paul and son Stumpy were murdered by Nate after they tried to assassinate him. When Pam was younger, she had her starry eyes set on a handsome superstar cowboy. She even carried his baby, who grew up to be Stumpy. But instead of landing a country stud, she settled on Paul and led a mediocre life. Pam was angry when Paul and Stumpy were killed, not because of them, but because she felt like she threw her life away on those two and had nothing to show for it. Old and fat in today’s world, she doesn’t have a chance at starting over and has to clean up the mess left behind by the only two men in her life. While Pam isn’t the kindest character in the book, she is one of the most sympathetic. I’m fat myself and am looking down the barrel of wasted opportunities. Pam’s characterization hit me hard, even if we don’t get to see a lot of her.

Joe Pickett is always a reliable character when it comes to likeability. He’s professional, he’s intelligent, he always knows what to say and when to say it, and he’s a family man at heart who goes the extra mile for those he loves. April, Joe’s adopted daughter, is as bratty and nasty as she has ever been, even going so far as to mock her sister Lucy for missing her high school play. Lucy and Sheridan both have their own projects outside of home and when a monkey wrench is thrown in their plans, they have no problem with showing their disappointment and rage. Marybeth is a caring wife, nurturing mother, and efficient librarian, the latter of which will come into play when she’s being stalked at her place of work (another source of dramatic tension). Kyle McLanahan is a cartoonish redneck Sheriff who somehow keeps getting public praise despite his idiocy. Aside from April, there’s not a character in this book that I felt slowed the pace of the story. Everybody has a role and everybody plays their role with undying commitment. Seriously, though, somebody please give April the spanking of the century.

Out of every book I’ve read from C.J. Box’s catalogue, Force of Nature is without a doubt my favorite among them. Will there be others that exceed or meet that standard? I’m sure Mr. Box can figure out a way to make that happen. He truly earned every award and every word of praise he’s racked up over the years. Even people with opposing political views from Box will get a kick out of his mysteries. They’re well-written, they’re enjoyable, they’ve got splendid character work, and Force of Nature in particular stands out the most in terms of quality. Five stars out of five for this brilliant piece of fiction!

"Doggolescence" by Rachel Oates and Kyra the Staffy

BOOK TITLE: Doggolescence
AUTHORS: Rachel Oates and Kyra the Staffy
YEAR: 2020
GENRE: Poetry
SUBGENRE: Animal Parodies
GRADE: Pass

All Rachel Oates wanted to do was have some fun at the expense of Gabbie Hanna and her “poetry”. Nothing too serious, just a few parodies from the point of view of Rachel’s lovable doggy Kyra. Because Kyra has childlike innocence, the parody poems are simple by nature, but are much more entertaining than the source material. There are lots of funny ones like “Honey”, “Texts”, and “Mirror”, but also some serious ones like “Nights”. Judging from the effective punch lines at the end of the funnier poems, if Rachel Oates wanted to be a standup comic somewhere down the line, she very well could since she possesses a perfect understanding of joke structures. But a poem like “Nights” will hit you like a heavyweight punch to the gut. Dogs who live at shelters are notoriously lonely since they have nobody to snuggle with and all of the blankets and toys on the concrete floor doesn’t change the fact that the floor is indeed made out of concrete. I know the phrase, “Adopt, don’t shop!” gets used quite liberally, but to be frank, it doesn’t get said enough. Rachel understands this and not only did she get an awesome book out of it, but she has something worth so much more: a loving doggy to call her own. Belly rubs, ear scratches, jowl wiggles, and most importantly, steak treats! All the good things in life come from Rachel’s home. Which is why it’s hard for me to point out one teeny tiny little flaw in this collection: too much bathroom humor for my tastes. But that’s just my opinion and Rachel doesn’t have to adjust her writing style for one reader. All in all, a nice little poetry book even if she openly admits to putting as little effort into it as Gabbie Hanna put into her own book. Four out of five stars! And by the way, the pictures of Kyra are so darn cute!

Zombieland

MOVIE TITLE: Zombieland
DIRECTOR: Ruben Fleischer
YEAR: 2009
GENRE: Zombie Apocalypse Comedy
RATING: R for violence and language
GRADE: Pass

As of the year I’m writing this review, which is 2020, the Corona Virus is sweeping the world and killing everyone it comes in contact with. This disease is bringing out the worst in humanity whether it’s violent rage (a la the Michigan anti-lockdown protestors) or deceptive behavior (a la Kenneth Copeland and Joel Osteen). If this mess keeps up, our world could very well come to an end. Wouldn’t you like a nice fun-filled movie to distract you from it all? That’s where Zombieland comes into play. I don’t want to say this movie was a prophecy back in 2009…but yeah, it was totally a prophecy. Granted, we haven’t gone full-zombie just yet, but the other ramifications have come to fruition thus far. Economic collapse, swindlers, incompetent leadership, and a bunch of cowboys playing with their shotguns. Yep. I’m sure this movie was just a coincidence at the time it was made.

If you think creating believable characters is hard to do within a silly comedy, just take a look at who we’ve got in this particular movie. Columbus wants to find a sense of family whether his biological one still exists or not. Tallahassee wants to munch on Twinkies because he appreciates the little things in life. And he just wants to kill zombies left and right. Cutthroat sisters Wichita and Little Rock want to steal as many resources as they can so that they can party it up at an amusement park in California. What do you notice from all of these character descriptions? They’re motivations. They have something that they’re willing to kill zombies for. Therefore, this is a character-driven zombie story. Didn’t think that was possible, did you? Notice how they’re not scrambling to save the entire world from the zombie apocalypse. They just want to cling onto a sense of normalcy no matter how small or temporary that may be. Isn’t that what we’re doing now with the Corona Virus: looking for something to comfort us? Totally not a prophecy.

I have one tiny little critique for this movie. Why would Columbus continue to trust Wichita and Little Rock after they’ve betrayed him and Tallahassee over and over again? They’re grifters. Deception is all they’re known for. Do they stop grifting by the end of the movie? Who knows? That’s not just me refusing to give spoilers; I actually want to know the answer to that. I guess this could all go back to Columbus wanting a sense of family in his life, so he keeps hoping and praying that the sisters change their ways just for him. Then again, Wichita was a femme fatale and part of that moniker is being seductive, either through attractiveness or just playing mind games. Columbus always wanted to brush a woman’s hair behind her ears. If that’s the case, then this whole movie is just him thinking below his belt. Wichita could burn down an orphanage and Columbus would still want to give her infinite chances. Yes, this is a comedy movie. Yes, Columbus is a dorky college kid. But…come on.

You want clever dialogue from every character involved? You want bloody action and excitement? You want a lesson on how to make believable characters? Ask and you shall receive it all in the form of Zombieland. You’ll get more than a few chuckles here and there. You’ll get a few life lessons that may come in handy as the age of Corona Virus progresses onward. You’ll love Woody Harrelson’s performance as the gun-toting cowboy Tallahassee. You’ll love Jesse Eisenberg’s performance as the spineless dork Columbus. Try not to think too hard about Columbus trusting people a little too easily, especially if they’re overly attractive. This was an enjoyable movie for me and for that reason I’m giving it four out of five stars.

Idiocracy

MOVIE TITLE: Idiocracy

DIRECTOR: Mike Judge

YEAR: 2006

GENRE: Dystopian Comedy

RATING: R for language and suggestive dialogue

GRADE: Pass

You know how science fiction movies are supposed to be good at predicting the future? Even though this movie is set five hundred years from now, with our current political climate, it almost feels like Idiocracy’s prediction is right on the nose. Smart people are unsure and unprepared when it comes to having babies while idiots are so overconfident that they don’t mind polluting the earth with equally stupid crotch goblins. And then these defective genes are passed down through multiple generations and here we are. Corporate branding replaces commonsense. Macho manliness and crass humor replace kindness and decency. Gatorade replaces regular drinking water. Any kind of intellectual thought is met with homophobic and ableist slurs. Of course, Idiocracy takes all of this behavior to the extreme and that’s why it’s so hilarious. The citizens of this new dystopia have to rely on a mediocre white guy to fix all of their problems because he’s technically the smartest guy on earth. Again, does any of this sound familiar?

Yes, Idiocracy is just a comedy and it shouldn’t be taken super seriously. Yes, we can laugh until our ribs are broken and our lungs are punctured. But you know…there’s an awful lot of truth packed into these ninety minutes of screen time. Being true and funny at the same time will always earn the director bonus points. That is, unless there are a bunch of futuristic idiots watching a two-hour movie about somebody’s butt farting every once and a while. No story. No other plot points. Just farting and butts. And that movie won multiple academy awards, including best screenplay. Yeah, that happens in Idiocracy. Sad, but true. If this is the slow death our world must go through, why not laugh along the way? It’s better than crying, although tears would be better for dying crops than Gatorade (even though Gatorade has “electrolytes”, whatever those are). Four out of five stars for this ridiculous dystopian comedy! No wonder it became a cult favorite!

Game Night

MOVIE TITLE: Game Night

DIRECTORS: John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein

YEAR: 2018

GENRE: Black Comedy

RATING: R for violence, language, and suggestive dialogue

GRADE: Pass

Competitive gamers Max and Annie Davis have the chance to upstage Max’s obnoxiously successful brother Brooks when he sets up a live action murder mystery game with a Stingray Corvette at stake. As part of this role-play, masked criminals raid Brooks’s house and kidnap him, though the fight scene looks a little too realistic for everybody’s tastes. The deeper Max, Annie, and their gamer friends dig into this mystery, the more they realize that it wasn’t a role-play and that Brooks’s life really is in danger.

I know that this is supposed to be a goofy comedy movie, but it could easily pass for the thriller genre due to how well-constructed the mystery is. Every time you think Max and his friends have the answers, there’s always another swerve to cut them off at the knees. There are no easy solutions and not everything is part of a role-playing game. That’s the mark of a good thriller: it keeps you guessing until the climax. You don’t know how, you don’t know why, you don’t know who, but if you pay close attention and wait until the end, it’ll all become as clear as day.

And then you have the various subplots within the main one which make hopping between characters an interesting way of storytelling. Max and Annie are trying to have a baby, but Max’s sperm count is low because he’s stressed out by his brother. A black couple named Kevin and Michelle keep arguing over which celebrity Michelle allegedly cheated on Kevin with. Ryan and Sarah argue over Ryan’s blatant stupidity and ignorance while Sarah comes off as a posh and intelligent Irishwoman. Gary is a socially awkward cop who wants to join game night, but keeps getting ignored due to his weirdness. And then we find out that Brooks isn’t really who he says he is, though I’ll say no more than that, because I don’t want to give away spoilers. Bouncing from subplot to subplot keeps the movie from getting monotonous, though it’s hard for monotony to happen when there’s so much comedy going on all at once.

Yes, let us never forget that this is a comedy first and foremost. I watched this movie with my older brother and we kept guessing who the celebrity was that Michelle slept with. We were hoping and praying that it wasn’t Bill Cosby. Oh dear. Speaking of Michelle and Kevin, they received a clue from the mystery role-play where they’re looking for an object that holds whiteness together. Kevin’s first guess was Donald Trump, but it was actually a stapler since paper is white. And finally, another favorite part of mine is when Max’s bullet wound drips all over Gary’s dog, carpet, and shrine of his ex-wife. Yes, I said it: there was blood all over a shrine of Gary’s ex-wife. Let that sink in for a moment. I’d tell you more funny parts, but I’d rather you watch the movie yourselves.

If you’re in the mood for some good wholesome fun, watch Game Night, though I don’t really think wholesome is the word to describe it. It’s dirty, it’s dark, it’s funny as hell, and it’ll make you want to have a game night of your own, though hopefully yours won’t involve kidnapping and murder. Maybe you should just stick to Scrabble. They don’t kill people in Scrabble…as far as I know. A passing grade goes to this hilarious black comedy!

Author Cooperation

***AUTHOR COOPERATION***

The key to having a successful community of any kind is cooperation among its members. Competition is what tears us apart, but teamwork and friendship is what brings us together. That’s part of the reason why I chose to be an independently published author: the sense of community. We critique each other, we honestly review each other’s books, we promote each other, and we’re there for each other when it desperately counts. When you’re a part of this community, there is no stepping over each other because there’s room for everybody at the top of the mountain. It takes a village to write a novel, sometimes even a capitol city. Nobody becomes a legend on their own.

My own journey to where I am today was marred with resistance to criticism. In 2001, I went to an anime/sci-fi/fantasy convention called INCON and had a piece of writing critiqued by five different professional authors, all of which had decades of experience and wisdom. Because of their somewhat harsh demeanors, I walked away after the first two authors got their words in. Maybe I was intimidated by the fact that I had so much work ahead of me to make my writing immaculate. Maybe I believed “potential” was an empty word when the first two authors told me I had it. Maybe it was my massive teenage ego that shoved everybody out of my circle who didn’t worship at the Temple of Garrison.

Whatever the case was, this over-inflated ego carried over throughout high school and college. I wrote a violent and sexually explicit poem about a classmate who said my writing sucked and he was hardly the only target of these rants and raves. Online folk, geology teachers, real life strangers, they all felt my fiery poetic wrath in one way or another. The more I reflect on this, the more I think that the reason I don’t have many Deviant Art followers is because of my past behavior and tendency to lash out.

It wasn’t until 2012 that I realized I needed help. I gathered up some money and went over to Writer’s Digest’s website to use their Second Draft critique services. For a moderate sum of money, you can have a famous author critique your work, but it’s only for a one time deal and there’s no guarantee you’ll get published. Given my verbally violent past, I was terrified to go through with this.

But sure enough, the piece of writing I wanted critiqued was a memoir about my experiences with getting bullied in my freshman year of high school. My intention was to circulate this essay to various literary magazines with the hopes of getting picked up. My editor was an author named Carolyn Walker, a nonfiction author, champion for the mentally disabled, and cordial human being. Her biggest critique for my essay was that it sounded too angry and that I hadn’t been descriptive enough to earn my ending. I ended up scrapping my own essay because that’s a part of my life I want to leave buried forever and I regretted writing about it.

As scary as taking that next step was, I would happily use Second Draft again, this time with a short fantasy story called Beauty and the Barbarian. In this story, Sonya Jade’s boyfriend is turned into a hideous monster by a witch and she wants to sneak into her castle to get the antidote. My hired beta reader, named Kathy Giorgio (if I remember correctly), said that the story felt incomplete and that it should be an entire novel or longer short story. I took her advice and expanded it to ten pages of single spaced text. It made it onto a short story collection I published in 2013 called Dragon Machinegun. Unfortunately, due to my dissatisfaction with how those stories were written, I took Dragon Machinegun off the market and it’s no longer available.

The third and final time I went to Second Draft was when I wrote a story called Dick Tater, which is about a homecoming prince with a bloodthirsty monster for a penis. This time, my beta reader was a military fiction author named Stephen Mertz, who said my story was marketable, weird, and kinky. He also said that it needed dialogue to show instead of tell (my story had absolutely none). As a token of my appreciation for his services, I bought a novel he wrote under the penname Jim Case called Cody’s Army and gave it a glowing review after reading it.

I didn’t completely come out of my shell until I joined the Good Reads group Weekly Short Story Contests and Company. With all of the friendly people who helped me through the rough drafts, whether it’s Edward Davies, Ryan Stone, Leslie Onus, Melissa Andres, and many others, my writing improved greatly and my fear of being critiqued was non-existent. When I got in touch with Marie Krepps in 2015, she became my permanent beta reader and I trust her with everything. She’s honest, she’s smart, and she’s funny as hell. She’s also a damn good writer who has earned every ounce of praise I’ve given her in my reviews for her books.

It was a good thing that I had calmed down over the years and learned not to take everything personally, because in June 2014, I may have just submitted the most offensive short story to the WSS during that time. It was a PG-13 bondage erotica called Tainted Love where Marilyn Elkins is kidnapped by a handsome stranger and duct taped to a hotel bed. She enjoys the kisses and sexual attention she’s getting to the point where she helps her kidnapper fight off her abusive husband. I wrote this story strictly for entertainment, but it ended up offending many people at the WSS and gave them the false idea that I was a sexist. As a token of apology, I took down the story from all of my social media sites and dropped out of the contest for that week. I spent the next week hurting like hell, but I took pride in the fact that I handled it like a champ instead of a raging lunatic.

That just happens to be my story. Everybody’s path to success is different, but nobody does it alone. Wisdom comes from experience and experience comes from the best the writing world has to offer. Don’t push these people away. They’re just as much a part of your inner circle as your friends and family. They want you to be successful. They want you to be happy. They want you to be the best damn writer you can possibly be. The more you listen to their critiques, the less it hurts. You may have to read their comments more than once to ease the sting, but if you take what you’ve learned to heart, you’ll do just fine in this world. In the words of Red Green, “I’m pulling for you; we’re all in this together.”

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***

As long as we’re on the topic of sensitive gender issues, this week I’m going to tackle a topic that’s hotly debated in pro-wrestling and MMA alike. I hope I can handle this topic with class, unlike Tainted Love from 2014. The prompt is “Dazed” and my story is called “Gender Blind”. It goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

1.      Sting Masters, Mixed-Martial Artist (Lightweight)

2.      Rachel Gustafson, Mixed-Martial Artist (Lightweight)

3.      Bill Dash, Referee (Heavyweight)

4.      Raymond Katz, CEO of Battle Born Promotions

PROMPT CONFORMITY: Being dazed is a normal part of an MMA contest since one of the ways to win is by KO.

SYNOPSIS: Battle Born Promotions is making history by sanctioning its first ever inter-gender mixed-martial arts fight in the lightweight division (155 lbs.). This upcoming main event match between Sting and Rachel has sparked a lot of debate and controversy among media outlets and MMA fans. Some people think it pairs men and women as equals while others are sickened by seeing a man beating up a woman. When the pay-per-view actually takes place, there are excited audience members in the building and protesters outside. Raymond Katz has a lot of explaining to do and a lot of security detail to hire.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Okay, so he’s technically part of a modern day drama and not a dark fantasy story, but I’m going to draw Sting Masters anyways. I’ve drawn MMA badasses in the past whether it’s Edward Glass from Molly-Dolly or Christina McKenzie from Gates of Hell. Sting Masters is a lightweight fighter from England and I want my drawing of him to reflect those things (not stereotypically, of course). Wish me luck!

***YOU TUBE QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Hi, I’m an attractive woman on the internet. You are somebody who comments on my videos or articles, though what you say isn’t always pleasant. But honestly, that’s not what we’re here to talk about. Though yes, you are awful. Even more alarming is those of you who think you’re being complimentary. While I’m flattered that you’re trying to express a fondness for what I do, you’re doing it wrong. If you like one of my videos, screaming, “TITS!” is wrong. Providing the phonetic representation of the sound of a man masturbating is incredibly wrong. Unless you’ve just typed in credit card information, telling a woman you’ve never met that you just masturbated to her comedy video, it’ll never be the right thing to do, honestly. I don’t know, maybe you’re confused because there are videos on the internet where the women explicitly tell you to masturbate. Yeah, I’m not making those. If you like what I do, say that. And if you like masturbating to things, go do that, just don’t tell me about it. Thank you for your time. I’ve been a woman of the internet. I didn’t ask to see your genitals, so don’t ask to see mine. And please stop telling me how you masturbate!”

-The women of Cracked.com-

Grading System

You all have probably noticed when I review something I give it a generic grade of either pass or fail. Over the time I’ve been giving reviews, things have gotten more complicated than that. It’s suddenly not as simple as a P or an F anymore. In fact, here’s my grading system in a nutshell:

　

1. Extra Credit: This is an extremely rare grade that I give to a medium that I not only liked, but thought it exceeded expectations. Whenever I watch something, I usually expect that it will be likeable. When I give something an EC grade, it really blew me away and changed me forever. The only movie to get this grade so far is The Lego Movie, because it gave me the creative fuel I needed to get out of a slump of depression.

2. Pass: This is the most common grade I’ve given any movie, TV show, match, or book. When I watch something, I want to enjoy it, so I don’t intentionally pick out flaws or even dig very deep to find them. An example of a UFC match with a passing grade is the 2013 Fight of the Year, Gilbert Melendez vs. Diego Sanchez. It was exciting, just like a UFC match should be.

3. Mixed: This is exactly how it sounds. I liked whatever I was watching or reading, but not enough to give it a passing grade. I liked it despite the overwhelming number of flaws in the medium, and these are things that are obvious enough to even the most brain-dead viewers. The only movie to receive this grade so far is Dead Man Down, where the lack of screen time for Bad News Barrett and the unresolved and overwhelming bullying storyline prevent it from being a favorite.

4. Fail: I’ve watched the show or read the book all the way through and I hated it. Very rarely will I finish a book or show that I hate, but it does happen, more often with TV and movies than with books. The last time I gave a failing grade was when I was reviewing a UFC lightweight bout between Clay Guida and Gray Maynard. While Gray was swinging away, Clay was evasive and timid, which made a brutal brawl an impossibility between these two. Clay Guida almost got points taken away by referee Dan Miragliotta for being a cowardly fighter. Almost is not enough.

5. Did Not Finish: In other words, the medium was so bad that I couldn’t stand to see it all the way through without having my brain explode. Normally when I can’t finish a book, I put it down and that’s the last you’ll ever hear from me. No reviews, just a brief show of frustration in a few characters or less. An example of a book I would give a DNF grade to is “Fifty Shades Darker” by EL James. Christian Grey is an unbearable asshole who doesn’t deserve to have a girlfriend in the first place, and yet, Anastasia Steele is so love sick that she’ll shack up with anybody at this point whether they’re nice or mean.

　

Five different grades for my reviews. Good Reads ranks books on a five star system. Coincidence? Probably not.

Ranking Systems

There are different ways of ranking whether or not you liked someone’s performance: five stars, ten points, letter grades, percentages, etc. On Good Reads, their ranking system is based on five stars for each book. On You Tube, though, their ranking system for videos is based on likes or dislikes. I personally believe (feel free to disagree with me if you want) that the like or dislike system is the only one we need. Either you liked what you saw or you hated it. Even if you think a piece of art is just “okay”, there’s still a small part of you that likes it. I thought that Fifty Shades of Grey was an okay book. I wasn’t crazy about the writing style, but it didn’t take away from the fact that I still liked it. In fact, I like it so much that I want to read the next two books in the series and have a reason to buy Kleenexes other than Pacific Northwest allergies. If we rely too much on stars, number rankings, and letter grades, we don’t get a clear picture as to whether or not it’s a liked book or TV show or whatever the case may be. I’ve seen books on Good Reads get three stars (which is supposedly a good rating) and in the actual text box, the reviewer talks as if he has a serious axe to grind. I’ve seen that with books that got four stars. The only ranking in which somebody is guaranteed to say nice things all across the board is five stars. Five star ratings are rare and are only reserved for authors who go “above and beyond the call of duty”. Above and beyond? Doesn’t anybody just like stuff anymore? If we had a like and dislike system like we do on You Tube, it would paint a clearer picture of just how popular something is. Which one are you more likely to gravitate towards: a book that has three stars or one that has 5,000 likes and only 53 dislikes? That may not be the correct math, but do you get my point? The like and dislike system is not only helpful to potential readers, but also the authors who are trying to filter out negative information. If an author sees he has a three star rating and gets suckered into reading a mediocre review, it’s going to break his heart. But if an author sees a like or dislike instead of a star rating, then he’ll know which ones to filter out and which ones to read. It’s amazing how far we have to go to preserve an author’s self-esteem. Then again, these things should go without saying. In other words, it’s just simple commonsense.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“The British have Jane Austen on their money. Who should we have on our money? Stone Cold Steve Austin?”

-Bill Maher-