Christopher Charlton, Paiten's Psych Ward Neighbor from "My Favorite Magazine"

 

Connor Stone, Evil CEO from "Be a Good Duck"

 

The Teacher from Pink Floyd the Wall

 

Bend the Knee

VERSE 1

Get ready to bend the knee to King Petty

Your legs already feel like a piece of spaghetti

You live in my head, now it’s time to pay rent

I don’t care if you can’t afford to eat again

Blow you out my nose like I’m allergic to pollen

Blow you out my ass, it ain’t coming out solid

Which one is more tyrannical: a landlord or a king?

Depends on if your begging even means a thing

CHORUS 1

Bend the knee!

Bow to me!

Take my heed!

Or else you bleed!

VERSE 2

My storybook soldiers are always so loyal

Your graves are soil for the mighty and royal

Grow the tree of woe, put you in the Jesus pose

Drive spikes in your feet, bleed all over your toes

Drive spikes in your hands, quit jerking yourself

Leaving you to die is good for my health

“King Petty, King Petty, will you show me mercy?”

Hell to the no, your blood makes me thirsty

CHORUS 2

Bend the knee!

I ignore your plea!

Are you shitting me?!

You’re still guilty!

VERSE 3

All I want to do is slam dance to my music

All you want to do is blow my dynamite fuses

All I want to do is write my violent stories

All you want to do is leech off of my glory

You demons take credit for all of my fame

As though you and I are created the same

You’re a schizophrenic voice telling me to quit

Your ass is gone after I take my morning shit

CHORUS 3

Bend the knee!

Suck up to me!

You’re still a flea!

Carrying a disease!

Brain parasite!

Fuck my dreams at night!

Bend the knee to me!

Because I’m always right!

Carnival De Garrison

VERSE 1

Producers with some meat to beat

With an actress on the loveseat

Executives’ metal hips will rust

Antitrust ground into dust

Actors throwing uppercuts

Accuse their victims of being sluts

Hollywood embarrassment?

Carnival De Garrison

VERSE 2

Shamans with the letter Q

Angry jowls with red hues

Machineguns Hot n’ Ready now

Little Caesars clerks freaked out

Monster people in monster trucks

Family trees, no outer fucks

Cosplay as Leif Erickson?

Carnival De Garrison

VERSE 3

Cobwebs and candlelight?

Not without a sacrifice

Pastor pedos in speedos

Decide what’s good and what’s evil

Lay the virgin on the table

Read her rites from the fable

Deserving of their arrogance?

Carnival De Garrison

VERSE 4

Step right up, everybody

Bring a hubby, bring a buddy

Ten dollars a ticket, pay up, marks

Ten dollars more to park your car

Look at the freaks, a traveling zoo

Throw your sodas and hotdogs too

Treat them like they’re terrorists

It’s Carnival De Garrison

They do it to us every day

The difference is, they never pay

A ticket price, no comparison

Enjoy Carnival De Garrison

"The Hunger Games: Mockingjay" by Suzanne Collins

BOOK TITLE: The Hunger Games: Mockingjay

AUTHOR: Suzanne Collins

YEAR: 2010

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Dystopian

GRADE: A

I said this with the second book in the Hunger Games trilogy and I’ll continue to say it with this final installment: reading dystopian fiction feels weird in 2021, when COVID-19 has the world in a stranglehold and right-wing politics are at an all time high. And wouldn’t you know it, the Hunger Games world looks every bit as nightmarish as the real one. Oh sure, President Snow and the Capitol have a rebel army to contend with, Katniss Everdeen being the ultimate symbol of resistance known as The Mockingjay. But what good is a rebellion if the people in charge of said rebellion are just as disgusting and violent as their oppressors? Both sides have strict rules. Both sides are not above sacrificing their own to achieve their goals. It’s just a perpetual cycle of abuse that’s passed on from generation to generation, regardless of who’s aligned with who. That paints a very realistic picture of what war is like: there are no winners, only dead bodies. Somehow Katniss must find a way to stay true to her own beliefs and individuality through all of this. Not an easy task, but one worthy of an entire book series. Katniss truly is a symbol of resistance, but on her own terms.

Circling back to the idea of nothing changing, it reminds me of something George Carlin once said while performing standup comedy: “If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to have selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits will do you no good, because you’re just going to get another crop of selfish, ignorant leaders every time.” This seems to be true no matter who we elect as our leaders: they’re either too soft on right-wing extremism or they are themselves right-wing extremists. Maybe it’s a little bit of both. The Hunger Games holds a mirror up to our worst parts of society and it makes its readers uncomfortable. But sometimes a little discomfort goes a long way. The truth can sometimes be an ugly thing, but that doesn’t mean we don’t eventually have to come to terms with it. Katniss and people like her can only do so much. Yes, she’s the hero of her own story, but she can’t do everything. She, like the rest of us, has to rely on her allies to do the right thing and they don’t always do that. Can Katniss achieve true rebellion? Only time will tell.

But no matter what shape the ending of this book takes, you can always count on the fact that Katniss Everdeen is a strong female character. I don’t mean strong in the sense of having muscles and a surfboard-sized sword in each hand. She’s well-written. She has flaws, ambitions, interests, and most importantly, a sense of individuality that makes her stand out from the rest of the character cast. She makes mistakes and doubts herself like any normal human would, but none of her errors result in being comically stupid. And when she messes something up, she fixes it like the responsible adult she grew up too quickly into being. Individuality is what leads to true resistance, not guns and bombs. Any artist will tell you that, because creativity cannot exist without individuality. Same goes for standing up for what you believe in.

I very much enjoyed what I read in this book, whether it was Katniss’s realness, the action sequences, the ugly truths behind politics, or even the fact that every chapter ends in a cliffhanger of some sorts. I know that last part seems like such an obvious thing to do, but it’s really noticeable in this book and it keeps me coming back for more, which is important for any book to accomplish. Suzanne Collins is an excellent writer who has created a bleak world, one where the media really does control people’s opinions and violence is disturbing no matter who it happens to. Mockingjay gets five stars out of five, no question about it.

"The Hunger Games: Catching Fire" by Suzanne Collins

 BOOK TITLE: The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

AUTHOR: Suzanne Collins

YEAR: 2009

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Dystopian Sci-Fi

GRADE: A

Throughout my reading of this particular novel, I kept joking to anyone who would listen about how it feels weird reading dystopian fiction during dystopian times. As of this review, it’s December 2020 and there’s one month left before Joe Biden is sworn in as president of the United States. Corona Virus, Donald Trump’s presidency, police brutality, wildfires, these are all things that qualify 2020 as a dystopian year. I’m sure it feels even weirder for Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark, the two survivors of the first Hunger Games book. They have to go on an elaborate PR campaign for the Capitol and President Snow while also leaving subtle hints at a possible rebellion against the tyrannical futuristic government. Punishments for any sort of rebellion can include lashing, bombing, tongue mutilation, and even death. The fact that Katniss can inspire hope and individuality to everyone she meets even in subtle ways speaks volumes as to what kind of powerful character she can be. She’s not going through the motions; she’s an active character with opinions, believes, and skills to back them up. You feed your children a steady diet of Hunger Games books and wonder why they want to grow up to be like Katniss. Generation Z definitely has their fair share of Katnisses and it’s glorious!

But more often than not, some audience members will remember The Hunger Games series not as a playbook for dissent, but as a YA novel with a…(gasp)…love triangle! Everyone enjoys making fun of love triangles, because they’re so tropey and cliché…or so I’ve heard (I can’t confirm this). It’s true: there’s a love triangle going on between Katniss, Peeta, and Gale. Her relationship with Peeta is out of necessity to keep the Capitol from suspecting dissent while her relationship with the coal miner Gale is one of genuine love and romance. Get your laughs out while you still can, because I actually believe this love triangle was done effectively. Of course Katniss has to keep up appearances! Fooling the Capitol into believing they have her wrapped around their fingers is part of how she stays alive! But more importantly, it’s a way of keeping her family and Gale alive simultaneously. Katniss wears a lot of hats in this book and if even one of them slips off her head, she’s toast. And besides, even if she was romantically interested in both Gale and Peeta at the same time, so what? Is polyamory really such a bad thing? Do we really want to teach our YA audience that love is to be suppressed and shaped into a puritan image? If Katniss can rebel against an entire dystopian government, I’m sure she has no problem with rebelling against a chuckling audience.

Can we talk about the violent aspects of this book for a minute, please? Can we talk about Gale getting lashed over a dozen times for doing something minor and insignificant to anger the Capitol? Can we talk about the concept of Avoxes, who are butlers and maids with mutilated tongues? Can we talk about Katniss breaking her tailbone and heel long before the Quarter Quell begins? What, you thought the Hunger Games were over in the first book? Oh, are you in for a shock! We’ve got more bloody battles to attend to! Trident warfare, knife throwing, acid rain, archery, and electrical shocks can all be expected in this brutal novel. Although this book can be categorized as an action-adventure of sorts, the violence is meant to disturb, not entertain. Every blow the characters feel, the audience feels tenfold. It’s a reminder of how barbaric violence as a whole can be. It’s even worse when the characters realize it’s the only way they stand a chance against an oppressive government under President Snow’s rule. There’s only so much one can take before they push back even harder against their attackers. You poke the bear long enough, the bear is going to maul and eat you alive. While Katniss doesn’t have the physical intimidation of a grizzly bear, she does have the emotions of one and that will serve her well throughout this rebellion.

Remember how I said it felt weird reading dystopian fiction during dystopian times? It still is an uncomfortable experience. But at the same time, it’s necessary. We need to make our voices heard. We need to bring change despite overwhelming forces holding us down. While I wouldn’t recommend shooting bows and arrows at people or electrifying them in beach water, I do recommend rebellion as an idea. Every success we’ve ever had in this world is because we fought for it. Those in charge aren’t going to give us what we want until we fight for it. It’s true in real life and it’s true in The Hunger Games: Catching Fire. Yes, it’s a YA novel, but anybody can get behind the message regardless of their age. I give this book a solid five out of five stars. I’ll probably do the same for the third book in the series, whenever I get around to reading that one too.

Nation of Genocide

VERSE 1

Summer sun, waterless desert

Dead bodies resting forever

A nation built on oppression

Let’s hear your confession

Not a bunch of what-abouts

You’re worthy of the shouts

Graveyard on your conscience

Relax in your highest office

CHORUS

Nation of genocide!

I’ll never choose your side!

Nation of racial pride!

My free speech will not hide!

VERSE 2

Business deals, cheap entertainment

Marginalization and detainment

Dungeon torture, decapitation

Welcome to the murder nation

CHORUS

Nation of genocide!

I’ll never choose your side!

Nation of racial pride!

My free speech will not hide!

BRIDGE

You can call it social progress

I call it blood and gore offence

The only reason you hold office

Is filthy money in your pockets

VERSE 3

Not a nickel or the thinnest dime

You won’t get a penny of mine

Not a quarter with a buffalo’s ass

Your economy must collapse

EXTENDED CHORUS

Nation of genocide!

I’ll never choose your side!

Nation of racial pride!

My free speech will not hide!

Nation of ignorance!

Defend your values with vigilance!

Nation of Armageddon!

A fake smile is your secret weapon!

Sage Against the Machine

Caitlin Sparks was a one woman wrecking crew, yet she couldn’t overthrow an entire oppressive government by herself. She wasn’t always alone. She had many comrades to help her in her quest to overthrow Dark-Law, Jr., a powerful sorcerer who unlike his father used futuristic technology rather than medieval magic to take over this world. One by one, each of Caitlin’s warriors fell by the zap of a laser, a burst of a flamethrower, or a bullet from a depleted uranium rifle. If she had a dime for every tear she cried since then, she’d be an oligarch.

Her only hope for completing her rebellion against the unjust dictatorship rested within the hands of an elderly sage named Eli Magruder. After slashing her way through several drones and armored soldiers with her oversized sword, Caitlin finally located the wise one’s temple. Except it didn’t look much like a temple. It was more like a brick compound with various runes carved into the walls, some of them spray painted like graffiti.

The rebel warrior scratched her raven pony tailed head in confusion as to whether or not she was actually at the right address. For all she knew, Eli Magruder could just be a ghost and the whole thing could be one huge trap. She shrugged her shoulders and walked tiredly across the dirt field with only lightning bolts from the gray sky to illuminate her way. It had been a long journey complete with battles, loss, and general exhaustion. There better be a fucking sage here, Caitlin thought to herself.

Once she trekked past the dirt field, she dragged herself up the stone stairs to the front entrance and knocked on the rickety wooden doors, both of which falling off with the slightest of contact. Some temple, Caitlin said in her mind. The interior of the building was pitch black until a flame path lit up in front of her, leading to a seven-foot tall mountain of a man with a scraggly white beard, a black tank top, and brown khakis. Worst of all, he was wearing a black sheep’s mask. Not what anybody would call sagely, but Caitlin Sparks decided to play long…for now.

She carefully walked along the fiery path and approached the man she perceived as the wise Eli Magruder, who was sitting in a wooden rocking chair with even more languidness than shell-shocked Caitlin. The sword slinger got on one knee and bowed to her sage in a show of respect. Or fear, depending on how creepy this man really was.

“You must be Caitlin,” said Eli in a gravelly monster voice. “You’ve come a long way just to see me. I’ve been expecting you. If you’re looking for an ally in your fight against. Dark-Law, Jr., I can’t provide you assistance with that. I may look like a titan, but I am still too old to be slinging magic spells on the battlefield with you.”

“I understand if you’re not feeling up to the task,” said Caitlin. “I didn’t come here for extra soldiers. Lord knows I’ve led many of them to their doom already. I’m here merely to seek your wisdom and counsel. Perhaps you have advice on how to combat Dark-Law, Jr. and his forces.”

“I’ve certainly seen what his minions are capable of. Too much bloodshed. Too much oppression. Too much starvation. And there’s not one person who’s been able to weaken his iron grip over this world. If you want advice on how to defeat this madman and bring peace to our world again, it’s this.” Eli took a deep breath and removed his sheep’s mask. “Fall in line. Just fall in line and nobody will get hurt.”

Caitlin stood back up and furrowed her eyebrows at the “wise advice” she was given. “That’s it? I came all this way and had many men and women die on my watch so that I could hear that? That’s your genius plan? Just let Dark-Law, Jr. do whatever the hell he wants?”

“This is clearly not what you were expecting and I can tell you’re disappointed,” said Eli. “However, this is all I have to give you. The reason your warriors have died is because you keep pushing forward in a battle you can’t win. If there were no battles, your soldiers would still be alive.”

“That’s bullshit!” screamed Caitlin. “Dark-Law, Jr. has been killing off people left and right whether they rebelled against him or not! He’s a bully! He gets off on that crap! He thinks this planet is his own personal coliseum! You may be okay with what’s going on here, but I’m too busy trying to change the world to listen to your bullshit! Fuck this, I’m out of here!”

“I’m sorry, Miss Sparks, I can’t allow you to leave,” said Eli as he stood up and clinched his fists, purple energy swirling around them.

“Old man, you’re in no position to threaten me or to give me orders!” yelled Caitlin as she drew her massive sword. “I wasted a long journey coming here and all you gave me was cereal box advice! I think I’m entitled to handle this on my own considering you have the intelligence and wisdom of a packet of ketchup!”

“You may not like it!” screamed Eli so powerfully that he knocked Caitlin back and caused her to raise her eyebrows in fear. “But that’s the way the world works. You’re welcome to stay in my temple for as long as you need to. In fact, I won’t let you go anywhere else. Not while there’s still death and destruction around.”

“You bastard!” shouted Caitlin when she ran at Eli full force and swung her oversized blade, intending to decapitate him. A green aura was protecting the elderly sage and when the sword made contact, it bounced out of the attacker’s hands and skidded across the floor into the darkness. Unable to accept the fact she was screwed, Caitlin threw wild punches and kicks at the wizard, still no effect.

“My turn, you spoiled bitch!” screamed Eli as he wrapped his massive hands around Caitlin’s throat and hoisted her in the air, her feet dangling beneath her. As she struggled for oxygen, she tried to pry his huge hands loose and even kicked him in the balls for good measure. Nothing. Not one dent. It didn’t take long before Caitlin’s lungs flattened, her neck was sore, and her vision was as black as the rest of the temple.

Caitlin was left in the dark for what seemed like days, maybe even months. In reality, it had only been hours since she was choked out by the massive Eli Magruder, who was supposedly too old for combat. When the battle-hardened woman finally came to, her throat was sore, her eyes felt like they were going to pop out, and she had a monstrous headache. She didn’t wait to fully recover when she felt around for a sense of her surroundings.

Once again, she was left in the dark, but this time for a much more disturbing reason. She was kept in a claustrophobia-inducing space with wood paneling on both sides of her, against her back, and in front of her. This could only mean one thing. The so-called “wise one” locked her in a coffin and quite possibly buried her underground.

Tears formed in Caitlin’s pain-wracked eyes as she kept saying, “No!” to herself and pounding the lid to the coffin. “Let me out of here!” she screamed in desperation. “Let me out of here, you have no right to keep me here! Please! You can’t do this to me! I’ll stay with you if you just let me out!”

Not one vocal response. She truly was all alone in that coffin. She cried several more tears as she thought about all the times she let her fellow warriors down. So many deaths. So many fathers and mothers without children. So many children without parents. So many wives without husbands. A trail of broken homes was all Caitlin Sparks left behind, even more so than Dark-Law, Jr. could have done himself. Her death by starvation in this coffin would be the final blow against a rebellion that never was. No wonder her eyes were flooding with tears.

And then she heard Eli’s voice once again, this time saying, “Okay, okay, just wait a minute! Haven’t you kids got any patience?!” The crying stopped. Her coffin was being lifted out of whatever hole it was kept in and the lid was pulled off with relative ease by the monstrous Eli Magruder, who then proceeded to pull Caitlin out of the box and show her that she had been in the backyard of the temple this whole time.

Caitlin Sparks wasn’t going to wait for an explanation. She continued to throw punches at her assailant, but these ones were more like emotional slaps than real combative blows. She screamed obscenities at him while Eli held her arms and tried to calm him down. With these words, her assault came to an end: “The drones are gone.”

“…What?”

“I gave you that crappy advice because there were drones flying over my temple. I buried you back here to make them think you were dead and done for and that I was just a crazy old man. The whole speech about conformity was a trick.”

As Caitlin looked at her new mentor in disbelief, Eli handed her back her sword and said, “As long as Dark-Law, Jr. doesn’t think you’re a threat anymore, he won’t see you coming when you finally lop off his head. You came to my temple for advice? Here it is: stealth and brains will always win over brute force and brawn. I helped you with the stealth part, now all you have to do is maintain your cover. I believe you can do it, Miss Sparks. I know you can.”

Caitlin clutched her sword handle with a newfound strength and looked into Eli’s eyes with a mixture of anger and focus. The anger wasn’t directed at him. On the contrary, she was thankful he went out of his way for her like that. The anger and rage was all for Dark-Law, Jr. She would take every ounce of that rage on him with one blow.

“Trust me when I say this, Master Magruder,” said Caitlin with newfound respect for him. “I’m bring you that son of a bitch’s head on a silver platter. Not just for me, but for you and everyone else he has slaughtered mercilessly. If I have to be slow and careful, then that’s how I’ll do it. I owe you big time, Master.”

“You don’t owe me anything, Miss Sparks…except Dark-Law, Jr.’s head!”