King Nigel Hargreaves, Leader of the anti-Oxford Comma Crusade...and a Guy Who Needs a Social Life

 

Jerry "The King" Lawler

 

Bend the Knee

VERSE 1

Get ready to bend the knee to King Petty

Your legs already feel like a piece of spaghetti

You live in my head, now it’s time to pay rent

I don’t care if you can’t afford to eat again

Blow you out my nose like I’m allergic to pollen

Blow you out my ass, it ain’t coming out solid

Which one is more tyrannical: a landlord or a king?

Depends on if your begging even means a thing

CHORUS 1

Bend the knee!

Bow to me!

Take my heed!

Or else you bleed!

VERSE 2

My storybook soldiers are always so loyal

Your graves are soil for the mighty and royal

Grow the tree of woe, put you in the Jesus pose

Drive spikes in your feet, bleed all over your toes

Drive spikes in your hands, quit jerking yourself

Leaving you to die is good for my health

“King Petty, King Petty, will you show me mercy?”

Hell to the no, your blood makes me thirsty

CHORUS 2

Bend the knee!

I ignore your plea!

Are you shitting me?!

You’re still guilty!

VERSE 3

All I want to do is slam dance to my music

All you want to do is blow my dynamite fuses

All I want to do is write my violent stories

All you want to do is leech off of my glory

You demons take credit for all of my fame

As though you and I are created the same

You’re a schizophrenic voice telling me to quit

Your ass is gone after I take my morning shit

CHORUS 3

Bend the knee!

Suck up to me!

You’re still a flea!

Carrying a disease!

Brain parasite!

Fuck my dreams at night!

Bend the knee to me!

Because I’m always right!

Get a Hobby

VERSE 1

Get a hobby! Any kind will do

Go for a jog underneath the snow moon

Slow it down to a walk if you’re too heavy

Or go for a ride in your old school Chevy

There’s a world out there beyond it all

It can’t be separated by border walls

When you stop obsessing over nunya business

You just might feel some lovey-dovey kisses

VERSE 2

Get a hobby! Any kind you like

Put it down, pick it up like riding a bike

Read epic fantasies across several novels

Or write them yourself ‘til you become a fossil

Play videogames, swing axes at dragons

Go on more adventures than Bilbo Baggins

When you curl the finger you point so much

You’ll find there’s nobody left to judge

BRIDGE

Get a hobby! You don’t have to get a life

Make friends! You don’t have to get a wife

Make memories! You don’t have to get a knife

Unless you’re cooking dinner, chop those onions right

VERSE 3

Get a hobby! Don’t hurt nobody else

Ain’t nobody in sight that needs a living hell

Keyboards are for chatting with buddies

Not for slinging shit so goopy and muddy

Get a hobby! I don’t care what it is

Don’t declare yourself the King of the Cis

Crowns are for cosplay at the Comic Con

Not for telling people that their culture is wrong

FINAL VERSE

Get a hobby, little Bobby

Have fun, you son of a gun

Create anything but hate

Get a hobby! Get a hobby!

Gatekeeper

CHORUS 1
You are the gatekeeper! You are the gatekeeper!
You are the one who is wearing the crown!
You are the gatekeeper! You are the gatekeeper!
Your empire of bloodlust will crumble down!

VERSE 1
On my road to recovery, I find a brick wall
So I pick up a war hammer and smash it all
Destroyed to powder and grains of sand
I’m one step closer to the promised land

CHORUS 2
You are the gatekeeper! You are the gatekeeper!
You are the one who’s polluting the sound!
You are the gatekeeper! You are the gatekeeper!
My lungs of steel will never let me drown!

VERSE 2
My road to redemption is covered with monsters
So I pick up an axe and lead them to the slaughter
Blood, bones, and pieces of shredded skin
The fucking war of the century is mine to win

CHORUS 3
You are the gatekeeper! You are the gatekeeper!
You are the one who holds the golden key!
You are the gatekeeper! You are the gatekeeper!
Here‘s what happens when you fuck with me!

HOOK
A punch to the face, blood all over the place
A knee to the gut, knock you on your butt
A blade to your throat, your last ounce of hope
Is dangling by a thread of the hangman’s rope

VERSE 3
My road to victory is paved in teardrops
Yet I see no red sign that tells me to stop
Life is an endless road of dried up scars
Death is now forever written in the stars

CHORUS 4
You are the gatekeeper! You are the gatekeeper!
You are the one who points the gun at me!
You are the gatekeeper! You are the gatekeeper!
I know what you’re doing, it’s not hard to see!
You’re just another obstacle in my fucking way!
A brand new challenge and a brand new day!
I conquer that shit with barbaric dragon’s fire!
Keep them all coming, because I’ll never tire!