Jerry "The King" Lawler

 

Debating

***DEBATING***

Even though I post a lot of short stories with controversial topics and post John Oliver videos on my Face Book page, I actually don’t like debating that much. I agree with the idea of being open to new ideas and not being completely coddled from the opposing side. However, if someone tries to engage me in a debate, the most talking points I’ll ever have in that conversation is…maybe two. After those talking points are on the table, I have nothing left and I’m completely vulnerable to the limitless number of talking points the other guy has. Being on this jobber losing streak in a debate has nothing to do with the fact that I’m right or wrong. It just means that I don’t have an unlimited number of talking points. I suppose I could cure that with extensive research, but that only adds maybe two or three more talking points to the already short list.

It didn’t dawn on me just how bad my debating skills were until I moved into my dorm room at Western Washington University in 2007. I had a roommate named Carl who was always helpful to me and an all around nice guy. However, when he tried to engage me in a debate, I would sit there in silence not knowing how to answer his talking points. Carl described himself as a “conservative with a strong liberal twist”, but most of his talking points were right-leaning in nature. He’d present all of these carefully-worded arguments that went on for about a minute or a minute and a half and it always drove me nuts that I couldn’t debunk all of them.

So whenever I hear somebody talk about open-mindedness, I always tell them it’s a two way street. In other words, if you want me to be open to your viewpoints, you have to be open to mine. But that’s the problem: my viewpoints only have a lifespan of one burst of alphabet soup. After that, it’s over. I’m like a bottle rocket when it comes to debating, which is why I avoid it most of the time.

Of course, there’s another reason why I avoid debates and it’s because I have this fear of offending my best friends by justifying the things they hate. It’s the reason why I don’t wave a Richard Dawkins book in the face of one of my Christian friends. Not only is it offensive to do, but it could kill the friendship. I put love and friendship before politics and religion every single time. If somebody gives me a ride when I need one or cooks me a nice meal or gives me twenty bucks to buy my favorite book, why should it matter what side of the political spectrum they’re on? Of course, I wouldn’t accept a million dollars from Donald Trump, but that’s because…well…he’s Donald Trump. But you get what I’m saying, right?

So if you see me back out of an argument, it’s not because I’m closing myself off to that person. It’s because unlike that person, I can’t keep talking forever and ever and ever. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to watch some more John Oliver videos and chase them down with a rant by Immortal Technique about vegetarianism. Peace! I’m out!

***SWAMPLANDIA***

As many of you have noticed either from my Deviant Art journals or my Good Reads account, I’ve been chipping away at “Swamplandia” by Karen Russell for a little under two months now. According to my Good Reads account, I’m 83% done with it, which means I’m going to spend one day blowing through the rest of it. Even though I’m not finished with it yet, I’ve already decided that it’s going to receive a mixed grade (three stars) when I review it. The concept is great, the depressing themes are great, and even the idea of a World of Darkness theme part ignites the dark fantasy passion within me. But what gives it a three star rating is the pacing. It’s slow enough to tire my eyes out after five or six pages of reading. I don’t know what exactly to owe the pacing to, but it’s definitely a slow one and that would explain why I’ve spent so much time with this book. That and it’s 400 pages long.

***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

JERRY LAWLER: If Emma was a vegetable, she’d be a cute-cumber.

MAURO RANALLO: The world is pun-derful and I’m glad you agree, King.

General Update: Creative Fuel

***GENERAL UPDATE: CREATIVE FUEL***

I say this all the time and it bears to be repeated. I say this all the time and it bears to be repeated. Creative fuel can come from the strangest places and it can result in some of the strangest pieces of art imaginable. I kept wondering if the Hulk Hogan dream I had in my last journal would amount to anything and it just might. And then things just rolled on from there. Here’s a general update on all of the short story synopses I’ve created, dreams I’ve had, and movies I’ve seen. If you feel inspired by any of this to do something of your own, then that means my journal was a success. If not, well, at least now I have something to talk about. Starting with the synopsis I plan on using for this week’s WSS contest (Breaking the Habit)….

***THE UNDERTAKER***

CHARACTERS:

Zell Jardine, The Undertaker

Heath Danielson, Depressed Drunk

PROMPT CONFORMITY: Hopefully, this encounter with Zell will break Heath’s drinking habit.

CREATIVE FUEL: The Undertaker from the WWE, a legendary wrestler who will compete at Wrestlemania 32 against Shane McMahon in a Hell in a Cell match. If Shane wins, he will gain control of the WWE and The Undertaker will be out of a job.

SYNOPSIS: After his father’s bakery goes out of business, Heath nurses his sadness at a bar and gets so drunk that the bartender orders him to leave. Not knowing where he is now, he stops to relieve himself in a random spot in the street. When his vision comes back into focus, Heath realizes he just urinated on Zell Jardine’s grave. Zell’s hand rises from below and grabs the drunk by his throat. “The Undertaker” as he’s called is hell bent on murdering Heath in cold blood. Mr. Danielson tries to explain his situation and say he’s sorry, but he’s too drunk to put words together.

***HARDCORE HOGAN***

CHARACTERS:

Garrison Kelly, Captured Earthling

Hardcore Hogan, Garrison’s Alter Ego

Kasabian, Alien Lord

Random Squid-Faced Alien Warriors

CREATIVE FUEL: Hulk Hogan dream.

SYNOPSIS: Garrison wakes up one day and finds himself in an alien ship’s prison cell. He has no idea what he’s doing there, but when he tries to shake the bars and complain, he gets electrocuted by the guards. Just when he is about to give in, he finds the Hall of Fame ring of his favorite professional wrestler Hardcore Hogan in the corner of the cell. When Garrison puts the ring on, he transforms into the muscular wrestler and puts a beating on the aliens after ripping the bars off the cell door. Kasabian serves as his final enemy and the only person who could possibly explain why Garrison/Hogan is on this ship to begin with.

***JUST AS BAD***

CHARACTERS:

Leon Archer, Vengeful Brother

Bryan Hicks, Former Bully

CREATIVE FUEL: Episode of Family Guy where Peter confronts an ex-bully of his who is now physically disabled.

SYNOPSIS: Leon finds the permanent address of Bryan Hicks, a former high school jock who bullied Leon’s brother to the point of suicide. Years of tension built up inside Mr. Archer, but when he sees Bryan bedridden in his apartment due to cancer, he’s faced with a moral dilemma. Will he beat the crap out of a weakened former bully or will that make him just as bad as Mr. Hicks used to be? Bryan tries to convince Leon that he’s a changed man who would go back in time and make different decisions if that was possible. Five years of lonely anger dictates otherwise for Leon.

***GORGON DEATH BITCH***

CHARACTERS:

Steve Jones, Frightened Boyfriend

Kathryn Marsh, Angry Girlfriend

CREATIVE FUEL: The Gorgon Video logo at the beginning of the “Faces of Death” movies.

SYNOPSIS: Steve and Kathryn had been dating for several months and are already living together. They’ve also been fighting a lot recently, giving Steve ideas of breaking up with his girlfriend. When he comes home late from work one night, Kathryn tears into him verbally, prompting Steve to give into his designs of ending the relationship. Kathryn bursts into tears on the couch and then transforms into a gorgon to terrorize her lover some more. Steve tries to talk some sense into her, but he’s too terrified to put words together. He’s also trying not to look Kathryn in the eyes lest he be turned to stone.

***KING BLIZZARD***

CHARACTERS:

King Blizzard, Tyrannical Giant

Jason Clark, Farmer

CREATIVE FUEL: Giant gold and bronze action figure I used to have of Sabertooth from “X-Men”. I called it King Blizzard for the sake of the play dates I used to have with my childhood friend Lance.

SYNOPSIS: For centuries, King Blizzard has bullied the people of The Zeal Empire by stealing food from their farms and tromping all over the land if he doesn’t get what he wants. In the past, soldiers and mages have all been sent out to slay the giant, but all that did was lead them to the slaughter. For as long as he owned his farm, Jason would always be someone who surrendered his food without incident. That changes on the day he decides to stand up to the giant. He might get himself stomped on in the process, but in his mind, it’s better than living life without his family, whom Blizzard killed when his “payment” was late one year.

***ZERO URREA DREAM***

As many of you already know, I have a Deviant Art friend named Zero Urrea and we’ve been friends since 2009. Last night, I had a weird dream about him where I went to his house and his TV was showing an anime about a bisexual monster farmer. Zero came home dressed in camouflage pants and carrying an AK-47 over his shoulders. He also miraculously had brown skin (he’s white in real life). The two of us went on a road trip together to drive me back to Port Orchard. On our way there, we saw that all of the amusements parks in the world were melting into liquid. In an effort to enjoy one of them while we could, we swam in the current the melted water was making. Then I woke up from that dream when my brother James wanted to take me to the YMCA and I didn’t want to go.

***STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS***

I saw that movie earlier tonight with my mom and Reina. While I won’t write a review for it since it would contain spoilers, I will say that it’s one of the rare mediums that deserve an Extra Credit (five-star) score. It was fucking awesome to say the least. When we were driving home from the cinema, Reina said that I reminded her of Chewbacca from the film. I’m not that hairy and I can’t shoot a crossbow worth a damn, but I do growl and groan a lot, so the comparison is apt.

***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***

On WWE television, Jerry Lawler always has nicknames for his fellow announcers based on their initials. He calls Byron Saxton BS (bullshit) and Mauro Ranallo MR (mentally retarded). If Tom Philips was part of the team, he would be called TP (toilet paper). If Daniel Bryan ever decided to become an announcer, he would be called DB (douche bag). Such unfortunate initials to have when calling the Smackdown action with The King.

Mittens

NAME: Mittens
AGE: 4
OCCUPATION: Domestic Cat
CANON: Deviant Art Role-Plays


This question is strictly for people who currently have or used to have a Deviant Art account. When you have a lengthy conversation with a fellow member and that member has a sweet disposition, do you oftentimes find yourself in little role-plays? I’m not talking about a controlled environment like Dungeons & Dragons. I’m talking about free-form role-plays where it’s not uncommon to take the role of a kitty the artist has a picture of or a barbarian the artist drew himself. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about:


DEVIANT A: Aww! Cute kitty! I want to pet him!
DEVIANT B: Be my guest!
DEVIANT A: (Scratches the kitty under the chin.)
DEVIANT B: (While taking the role of said kitty) Purrs and rolls over.
DEVIANT A: Would you like some treats, little kitty?
DEVIANT B: Meow!


Role-playing is frowned upon by the elite members of Deviant Art, but I actually find it to my liking. I think it’s cute and cuddly. Of course, it can also be badass and violent like the role-plays I have with my friend Zero while using a Lego ogre I have named Sage Thunderbreath. Sage is supposed to be an intimidating hammer fighter, but he ends up being used for comic relief. Funny how that works out.

This post isn’t about Sage or any of the other characters I’ve used. This post is about a cute and snuggly kitty named Mittens, who was played by me, but named by the cutesy and bouncy girl I was role-playing with, Yasmin. I can’t remember exactly what the occasion was where I used Mittens, but my first guess was a welcome back gesture after Yasmin had been gone for so long from Deviant Art. She would scratch the kitty behind the ears and Mittens would roll over on his back for belly rubs. Yasmin would also give the kitty a ball of yarn to play with as well as a whole cherry pie to eat. Not only did Mittens purr, play, roll over, eat pie, and do all of those other cute things. He also talked. Do you know what Mittens’ first words were? “I wuv you, Yasmin!”

Admit it, animal lovers: you want to own a talking, playing kitty just like Mittens. You want to have long conversations with him while the two of you watch Baby Looney Tunes or Muppet Babies together. Maybe you’ll talk about how you want Baby Bugs Bunny or Baby Kermit the Frog to leap out of the TV and join you two in a big ol’ cuddle-puddle. On a cold winter night when the rain is pouring and the wind is blowing, you’ll all get together under a big warm blankey and snooze away with “The Dreams of Children” by Shadowfax playing on a stereo somewhere.

Cuteness overload? When I’m using Mittens, I’m just getting started, buddy. If it’s at all possible to die of too much cuteness, Mittens will be the one who puts you in a box and sends you to heaven. Or the Rainbow Bridge to see the other animals you’ve had in your long lifetime. When I eventually introduce him into a literary capacity, the story itself will be of TV-Y proportions. Cuteness overloads from top to bottom, even more so than in a short story I wrote called “Sitka the Nose Biter”. No violence of any kind except for cartoon-style slapstick. No swearing unless they’re watered down to children’s level words like “darn” and “heck”. Sexual content? Fucking forget it! Oops, I’ve already violated the TV-Y standards! Oh well! Some things never change! Hehe!

　

***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

“Say no to negativity.”

-Jerry Lawler-

Tony Wayne

NAME: Tony Wayne
AGE: 30
OCCUPATION: Competitive Motorcyclist
CANON: The Motorcycle Man


If there’s ever any doubt as to whether or not Tony Wayne should be on my unemployed list, consider this: “The Motorcycle Man” was a movie script I wrote in the early 90’s. When I was alive and well in the early 90’s, I was still going to elementary school in Vancouver, Washington. Do you think that a little kid at that age has it in him to write a full-length movie script? That’s a lot of work for someone that small. I had a hard enough time figuring out adding and subtracting.

Paying attention to literary details? That was clearly asking too much. The script for The Motorcycle Man amounted to me writing all of the dialogue for Tony Wayne and nothing more. The “script” was about as long as a half sheet of sketching paper. But it must have been a movie script, because it had the Parntitmount (which was how I spelled “Paramount”) logo at the beginning of it. Back then I took more interest in the vanity logos than I did with the actual movies. Comprehension was not my strong suit when I was a kid. Then again, it might be because I was born with autism. Or it could be because I was a kid and didn’t know better.

The vision I had for this movie came about when I went to a yard sale with my mom and she got me a little toy motorcycle with a rubber rider on top of it. I would run this motorcycle all over the furniture thinking the couches, desks, and boxes were all part of an elaborate obstacle course. I could have fight scenes, chase scenes, and the occasional gratuitous showing off with this toy alone. Tony Wayne, at least in my imagination, was America’s next big action movie hero.

You’re probably wondering why I would resurrect a character from my childhood and bring him into my adult life considering Tony Wayne didn’t have a whole lot going for him in the way of development. You would be right to ask such a bold question, because Tony’s resume is a blank slate at this point. Yes, he entertained me for hours as a toy, but as a character in one of my stories, he doesn’t have much to work with.

Okay, so he’s a motorcyclist and an action hero. Since I’m not into motocross or anything like that, I should just stick Tony in the action hero category. If that’s the case, he would be a lot like those guys in “The Fast and The Furious”: a bunch of con men trying to get away with something. But since Tony is meant to be a hero, his conning could be seen as an homage to Robin Hood. Let’s see if his motorcycle trickery can get him across the Canadian border when he makes off with a backpack full of Citi Bank’s money.

I know, I know. It’s a backpack, so mass wealth distribution isn’t going to work out the way he had hoped. But maybe he can bring the backpack to a homeless hangout that’s really personal to him. One act of Robin Hood kindness can spread quicker than a Trojan Horse virus on the internet. Would that mean Tony Wayne has partners in crime? The more, the merrier! He could start his own motorcycle gang and do good for the people instead of exploiting them like the Hell’s Angels and Mongrels do.

Anywhere with an action and adventure setting is sure to attract a thrill-seeker such as Tony Wayne. He could visit Disneyland and ride his motorcycle across the rollercoaster tracks in an attempt to thwart an evil plot. He could jump across the Grand Canyon to thwart another evil plot. He could ride across the stage at Carolina Rebellion and have Lamb of God be his live soundtrack. That’s the beautiful thing about having a clean slate: they’re fun to fill up. Would you rather have an experienced character who has so much baggage or would you rather have a young gun you can mold into whatever you want? Think about it.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Neville is so quick that every time I try to call his matches, I get more confused than a chameleon in a bag of Skittles.”

-Jerry Lawler-

Shivo Black

NAME: Shivo Black
AGE: 46
OCCUPATION: Demonic Prison Guard
CANON: Tower of Hell


Prison can be a scary place for anybody, whether they’re a small time crook who forges checks or a heavy hitter who rapes children across the country. The Tower of Hell was no different, especially when Shivo Black was the head prison guard. It was a bad enough place with the fear of being raped by demons, beaten by orcs, forced to eat sewage that somehow passed for food, and stuffed in an tiny cell with someone who wants to beat the shit out of anyone he comes across.

And then you have Shivo Black: a seven-foot tall demon with bull horns, muscles, and a nasty attitude. You think he abuses his authority every now and then? You think he grabs people by the neck and pops their heads like pimples? You think he sits on people’s chests and snaps every bone in their bodies? You think he grabs five guys at a time at their necks and ankles and pulls them apart like flies? You’re damn right he does all of these things! You know why? Because he’s a sick evil fuck, that’s why! He’s a villain of the very worst kind! He does all of this under the guise of justice. Because as we all know, prison is a place where criminals can become better members of society. I rolled my eyes so many times on that one that I might as well go bowling with my brain cells.

When the warden, an even more sadistic fucker named Dr. Steve Naraku, had business to attend to, Shivo Black had the Tower of Hell all to himself. And when the real overseer, King David Said-Matrix, wanted to have an overview of what the hell was really going on in that prison, the noble king almost had a stroke. He had the entire prison converted to a REAL rehabilitation facility and Shivo Black’s fate was unknown at that point. He was the victim of Aborted Arc Syndrome, where he was eliminated from the storyline without the audience really knowing why. Then again, what kind of vicious warrior would ever try to get in the face of someone like Shivo and live to tell about it? Without a ladder, no less.

All of this deadliness got me thinking that Shivo Black shouldn’t be a supporting villain. He should be the main antagonist of whatever story he occupies. He has all of the qualities it takes to be a lead villain: overpowered, overbearing, ruthless, and dominant. There isn’t one person in the Tower of Hell franchise capable of taking this gigantic motherfucker out on their own.

Kevin Demonic and his necromancy? Fucking forget it. He’d be lucky to take one step into the battle and live for the next one. Kon Shou? Even an abominable undead warrior like him who’s the same height as Shivo can’t go far with a broken spine compliments of you know who. Minra Cottonmouth, some bounty hunter who doesn’t have his shit together, do you really think he and his chain whip can strike enough lashes into Shivo to knock his ass over? No chance in hell.

Taking down Shivo would have to be a team effort and that team would have to have a lot of people on it. It might take an entire army to weather the storm of Shivo Black’s fiery assault. And he just might be a prison guard in his next story. Prison is an evil place no matter what side of justice you’re on. Some countries do justice better than others, but if Shivo was a part of the American system, even jaywalkers would either turn to a puddle of blood and splooge or they would become mass murderers on their first day of freedom.

But suppose Shivo was randomly thrown into a modern drama story instead of a fantasy one like Tower of Hell was. Could he still be a demon? Probably not. Could he still act like one? Hell yes. Modern drama or fantasy world, if Shivo is allowed to guard a prison full of psychopaths and small time offenders, he will bend them into shape with little effort on his part and a lot of rage. But what exactly will those shapes be? Pretzels? Spirals? L’s? As an ultra-intimidating villain, he can do all of those things. I’ll have to be sure to put an M rating on whatever story he’s assigned, though.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Have you seen Luke Harper’s teeth? It looks like his tongue is in jail.”

-Jerry “The King” Lawler-

The Nightwolf Twins (Electra and Sandra)

What do you get when you combine the hotness of the Bella Twins and the aggressive and barbaric fighting style of the Uso Twins? You get Electra and Sandra, the Nightwolf Twins. In case that reference flew right over your heads like a Frisbee, Electra and Sandra, can kick the shit out of anybody they want and look like a million gold pieces doing it. Wait a second, did I say gold pieces? What kind of fantasy world uses that currency? I pretty much answered my own question there: a fantasy world, particularly of the Dungeons & Dragons variety.

The twins got their start in the Middlesex Campaign I did with my online friends Heather and TJ, the same one that included the human barbarian Brutus Warcry, the half-orc barbarian Agrusk Xis, and the elf wizard Darthania Gaveston. As a reward for protecting the mayor of Middlesex, Brutus and Darthania were given the services of government sanctioned bodyguards to make sure they didn’t have to live in fear of criminal gangs anymore. When one of them was murdered by an MMA fighter (outside the cage), the Nightwolf Twins were his replacement. I’d say they were a huge upgrade, but that would be disrespectful to the memory of Chris Bryan, the one who was killed.

The twins proved to be more than useful and have earned their money in spades. They beat the asses of any gangster who had a price on Brutus and Darthania’s heads and they…well…here’s where their services get a little X-rated and off the clock (I said clock, you perverts). While the two of them were in a bigamous relationship with another government paid bodyguard (an elf paladin named Windham Farrell), the X-rated action wasn’t limited to those three. It got pretty interesting in the Gaveston-Warcry household. They spent more money on cleaning supplies than a subway janitor. I’ll let you all figure out what that means.

Now that you know the shallow meaning of the Nightwolf Twins (fighting and fucking), it’s time to dig a little deeper into their souls. You see, the Nightwolves and the Warcries (two barbaric tribes) didn’t always get along. In fact, they would go to war with each other and murder several warriors. Brutus’ girlfriend at the time, Kai Nightwolf, had her head cut off by two of his fellow tribesmen, Titus and Cabal Warcry. Brutus has since moved off of the Warcry Reservation and into Middlesex out of spite for his fellow tribesmen. Although the Warcries and the Nightwolves eventually made peace with each other, Brutus can’t get Kai out of his mind. Therefore, when Brutus is doing…things to Electra and Sandra, he sees Kai in both of them. It’s kind of a sick consolation, which means Brutus still has issues to work out.

Electra and Sandra had the same issues with their own tribe that Brutus had with the Warcries. The twin sisters didn’t know who to trust at that time, so they moved to Middlesex and got jobs as government protectors. Normally, there would be all of this rhetoric about not being able to trust “big government”. The mayor of Middlesex, Shawn Simms, disproved those insecurities by being the one responsible for bringing peace between the Nightwolves and the Warcries. If Electra and Sandra couldn’t trust their own people, they could find solace within the payroll of Shawn Simms. And the rest, they say, is history.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“We have a food fight every Thanksgiving…with canned goods!”

-Jerry Lawler-

Sunny Demonseed

When I first heard that Shy Guys from Mario Brothers 2 were hideous monsters underneath their robes, I was skeptical. They’re so darn cute and cuddly! Maybe there’s a teddy bear underneath. Or a Golden Retriever. Or a Russian Blue Hair kitty. Maybe even a domestic rat lives underneath that robe. Those sweet images I’m projecting on Shy Guy are the basis for a fan fiction character who was anything but a villain. Despite his last name, Sunny Demonseed was the definition of a honey bear.

In fact, Sunny was so cute, cuddly, and lovable he never made the cut when King Bowser and King Wart needed ninjas for their squad of assassins to hunt down Mario. Sunny was supposed to teach his attack dog how to rip someone to shreds. Instead, he rolled the puppy-duppy over and rubbed his belly. Bowser and Wart grabbed Sunny by his short little arms and dragged him into a place where he would never know the taste of freedom (unless it was covered in icing). From that moment on, Sunny Demonseed was supposed to be a dessert chef for his masters.

And boy, did he make some tasty treats. He made cakes that touched the ceiling with their pink frosting. He made strudels that were smothered in strawberry sauce (made with real strawberries, by the way). He made donuts that turned Bowser’s arteries into the Alaska Pipeline and Wart’s colon into the Puget Sound. Life was good as a dessert chef. It was even better when Sunny was assigned two new work partners: a grumpy Phanto named Duo Edict and a barbaric Goomba named Cleon Downstroy. Neither of his new acquaintances were ecstatic about working in a dessert kitchen, but if anybody could calm them down and restore happiness to the workplace, it was Sunny.

With lighthearted characters like Sunny, it would be inappropriate to put them in a dark fantasy nightmare like…well…Fireball Nightmare. The Mario franchise in general is cute and cuddly, and Sunny and friends should be as well. I was planning on putting Sunny, Duo, and Cleon in a Mario fan fiction movie script called Mario Thugs. It was chock full of comedic goodness and moments of infinite “aww’s”. But then things spiraled out of control without a real plot to keep the chaos contained. Ultimately, Mario Thugs was an aborted story and Sunny was left without a home. The most exposure he ever got was through a poem I don’t consider to be up to par anymore with my Confessions of a Schizophrenic Savage songs.

Sunny may have a childlike mind and a babyish body, but he’s not too young for employment, especially when it comes to my imagination. I know you all are going to point out my affinity for original fiction over fan fiction due to the former being profitable. The most I ever got in terms of profit was sixty cents. Besides, I’m not in the writing business because it’s lucrative (it’s not). I’m in it because I love the craft. I’m not a mercenary for hire. I have more money than I’ll ever need in my lifetime. If I want to write a fan fiction without worrying about being sued by Nintendo, then goddamn it, I’m going to do it! Someday, but not today. Fireball Nightmare needs further planning and I actually have to write the damn chapters.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I once worked at an orange juice factory, but I couldn’t concentrate, so I got canned.”

-Jerry “The King” Lawler-

Cameron Gillespie

Is there really any way a 6’1” African-American woman can cut enough weight before a big MMA fight in order to conform to the flyweight division’s 125 lb. standard? Does it even matter that this same woman has pumpkin-sized muscles and the longest reach of any female fighter in history?

Every time Cameron Gillespie gets in the cage, she might as well be playing with a GI Joe in there. She’s only been defeated twice in her career and both of those losses were due to controversial split decisions. But those are just two matches. You want to know how many times Miss Gillespie won? Twenty, all of those victories being obtained either by KO or TKO. Bottom line: this woman is a killing machine and can make the bantamweight limit just as easily as she regularly makes the flyweight limit so miraculously. Hint, hint, wink, wink.

So why is it that I refuse to let this wrecking ball of a woman be a part of American Darkness 1 or 2? Because the story she was a part of didn’t do her justice at all. She was originally part of a short story where she only had one page worth of action and the actions she took were despicable enough to make her an unredeemable villain.

The story was called “It’s a Joke” and was supposed to be an MMA romance between struggling heavyweight fighter Finn Cosgrave and basically a Ronda Rousey parody named Zelda Lee. I thought I was being revolutionary by creating an MMA romance, because not many authors do it. Turns out there’s a reason for that: because there’s no love in war, only pain.

That pain came when Zelda Lee was forced into a fight with Cameron Gillespie, who towered over her like…well…a bell tower! Zelda landed a beautiful takedown and hand Cameron on her back in defensive mode. Zelda then put her hands on the mat to engage Cameron in a ground game. That’s where shit went south in a hurry.

Did you know there’s a rule against kicking somebody in the face while that person is in a kneeling position? If Zelda would have survived the kick to the face from Cameron, the New Orleans-born giant would have been either disqualified or deducted two points at least. Zelda didn’t survive. She was pronounced dead by the referee.

For whatever reason, I decided to have Cameron Gillespie show no remorse for her actions and not go to jail for this “accident”. Zelda Lee was the first person in MMA history to die during a fight and the sport looks even worse than it did before after Cameron Gillespie’s heinous behavior.

That’s not the road I want Cameron to go down. I see a lot of potential in this character and I want her to have the best role I could possibly give a jolly black giant like her. I know that if I include “It’s a Joke” in American Darkness 2, that book will get a low rating and few buys.

I’m not saying I want Cameron Gillespie to be a heroic warrior, but I also don’t want her to be a monster from the depths of hell. What kind of role could she have? A harsh trainer? A drill instructor? How about an incumbent world champion who’s deemed a villain because she’s held the title for so long? Maybe, just maybe she could be the world’s tallest voodoo priest. Can you imagine being that fucking huge and having magical powers to go with your awesome body? It’s overkill, but it’s an overkill people can easily accept.

Please accept Cameron Gillespie into your hearts and imaginations, ladies and gentlemen. Don’t let her become a stereotypical clerk at the DMV. Don’t let her be a stereotypical gangster woman either. I want this character to have substance, and that substance isn’t cocaine or heroin. And before you ask, no, it isn’t steroids either.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I dare Ahmed Johnson to say ‘Mother Smucker’ ten times fast.”

-Jerry “The King” Lawler-

"All Lovers Are Deranged" by David Gilmour

In the late 90’s, there were two things I believed to be true: love wasn’t worth fighting for and Pink Floyd was the greatest band in the world. I needed a theme song that combined these two staunch beliefs and that song was “All Lovers Are Deranged” by David Gilmour, the guitarist and co-vocalist for Pink Floyd.

The Pink Floyd fandom was easy for me, especially after they published a song called “Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2” (we don’t need no education). I hated going to middle school in the late 90’s, so Pink Floyd earned a lot of brownie points with me.

The part about resisting romantic love was also easy for me back then because I had a father who owed alimony and child support to multiple ex-wives. Okay, so there aren’t many 11 to 13-year-olds who have to pay alimony, but the idea of it happening one day scared me to death.

This was also during a time when I watched the movie Happy Gilmore (no relation to David) and I learned how the IRS punishes people who don’t pay their taxes: by taking their stuff. I was very protective of my property (especially my Legos and videogames), so sharing them with a girl was out of the question.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t tempted by these girls in middle school, though. I took a special liking to women who walked around in shorts and sandals. I didn’t know why at the time, I just liked that about a woman. I would later find out by a special invention called the internet that I had a foot fetish. All questions were answered.

But no matter how many times the girls in my school dressed in shorts and sandals, I turned down every one of them who asked me on a date. Again, I was very protective of my personal things. Add to this the idea of being controlled by someone and the paranoia was even stronger.

I didn’t learn how to fall in love until I turned 15 years old. I went away for a summer retreat in Bellingham and they held dances. I showed up looking for something to drink and from out of nowhere, this pretty girl comes up to me and asks for a dance to a slow song. Also from out of nowhere, I said yes to her. I enjoyed being close with this woman in an intimate way even if it was only for a few minutes. If I can get a little graphic for a moment, there was even a time where…you know…it moved. Ahem!

So now that I know how to fall in love with women, I also know how much it hurts when I know I can’t have the one I fall in love with. I had so many crushes in high school and college that I wanted to duplicate that intimate feeling with. At the time, I thought rejection hurt worse than never trying. I still believe that to this day.

That’s why I consider myself lucky that I was able to have a relationship with a woman named Brianna and feel good about having it. We held hands, hugged, and I even got my first kiss from her. Yes, it took me a long time to get my first kiss, but I got it, by god. That milestone felt good. What didn’t feel good was never seeing her again after an awkward date in which she got in a political argument with my liberal mother. Still, given the awkwardness, I enjoyed every minute I got to be with Brianna even if it was only for a few months.

It’s not the late 90’s anymore and I still have David Gilmour’s music burned to my computer. Are all lovers deranged? It takes a certain craziness to think that love conquers all. Then again, who ever said I was sane? I’m the same guy who believes Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is a cute show and the real world is faker than professional wrestling. Would I do it all again in a heartbeat? Absolutely. Broken hearts can be mended, but lonely ones can’t.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Marriage is a lot like a deck of cards: in the beginning, all you need is two hearts and two diamonds, but in the end, you wish you had a club or a spade.”

-Jerry “The King” Lawler-

Magnus Warcry

Would you like to see Winnie the Pooh in a suit of spiky metal armor while wielding a barbed wire club? If Magnus Warcry ever becomes a reality, it may happen sooner than you think. Barbarians are already primal beasts with no off switch for their rage. Bears are the same way except with a more powerful body. Put the race and the class together and you’ve got a recipe for destruction.

It’s bad enough that a bear would have dynamite in his paws. What exactly is he doing with a barbed wire club? That’s like Joe Rogan being armed with a rifle. Oh, wait a minute. He’s a Ron Paul guy, which means he’s probably armed with something capable of making a loud boom. If that’s the case, then Magnus Warcry is a lot like Joe Rogan: overkill.

That’s what we need in a story: a main character who’s so good at fighting that he can’t be touched. If somebody manages to touch him, it’ll feel like a little fruit fly landing on his fur. Come on, Mike Tyson, let’s see if one of your heavy haymakers can put a dent in Magnus’ armor. I’ll guarantee Mr. Tyson’s fist will turn to ashes if he tried anything like that.

Why am I overselling Magnus Warcry, anyways? Because when I first introduced him in an action fantasy movie script called Say Goodbye, he was the most underrated character in the whole story. The premise of Say Goodbye was that a group of bounty hunters ventured into a place called The Jungle (I was strapped for a creative name) in search of a pig man warlock named Zod Ragefist.

Actually, it wasn’t A group of bounty hunters, it was two separate factions gunning for the same guy and not wanting to share the profits. Magnus’ side wanted the money because they were greedy bastards and the other side wanted the money to feed their argumentative, but loved families.

The whole movie was supposed to be an allegory for family love despite strains on the relationship. Magnus, being a big ass bear in metal armor, doesn’t have much of a family life. Seriously, what woman would approach him with a bouquet of flowers without running for their lives afterwards?

If Magnus Warcry is going to thrive, it has to be in a purely badass environment with no multi-layered drama of any kind. I could even picture him being in an Expendables movie. We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it, or when Chris Christie decides to decongest the traffic flow. Ouch!

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Paul Heyman was so ugly as a baby, his mother got morning sickness after he was born.”

-Jerry “The King” Lawler-

"Undisputed" by Chris Jericho

Welcome everybody to Raw Is Jericho! Well, technically this isn’t Monday Night Raw, but if I was to say welcome to Garrison’s Library Is Jericho, it wouldn’t have the same ring to it. In fact, it would sound flat-out dorky. Just because it isn’t always Monday night, doesn’t mean you can’t have your fill of Y2J Chris Jericho, as evidenced in the memoir he wrote in 2011 called “Undisputed”. This memoir documents his days in the WWE from 1999 to 2007. Jericho had a particularly tough time transitioning from WCW to WWE since they do things a bit differently. Every match is planned out ahead of time instead of improvised. The sooner Chris Jericho learned this, the sooner he would become a major star. And become a major star he did. He is credited as being the company’s first Undisputed World Champion, hence the title of his memoir. In addition to being a mega-star in WWE, his metal band Fozzy was also taking off like a rocket ship. For the most part, whenever Jericho wasn’t fighting with Bill Goldberg or getting cussed at by either Vince McMahon or the producers, he was having the time of his life. But don’t think for a moment that this book doesn’t have its darker sides as well. As I said before, this memoir documents his life all the way to 2007. The years 2005 and 2007 were shrouded in sorrow as those were the years that Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit died respectively. Guerrero and Benoit were Jericho’s best friends in the industry all the way back from his WCW days. He did Eddie Guerrero justice when talking about him extensively near the middle of the book. The one part of the book I don’t agree with, though, is where he says that Chris Benoit should be forgotten about based on the double murder-suicide that ended his life. The way I see it, Benoit’s deadly behavior was not consistent with the rest of his life, which was decorated with entertaining matches and illustrious championships. For all the Chris Benoit fans out there, don’t take this as a sign that you should pass up this book. Chris Jericho’s life story is an awesome one and should be enjoyed by everyone who reads it. The witty descriptions alone are enough to put a smile on anybody’s face. But for all you future authors out there, take this as a cautionary tale, because Chris Jericho does something that is taboo in the literary world: he name checks celebrities. The only reason why he can get away with it is because of his popularity with wrestling fans. In the end, however, if you’re grinning from ear to ear and enjoying his references, it doesn’t really matter. Pick up a copy of “Undisputed”. It won Best Book of the Year in 2011 from the Wrestling Observer Newsletter, after all. Those awards are not easy to get.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I was once part of a band called T-Mobile, but we kept breaking up.”

-Jerry Lawler-