"Spunky and the Dolphin Palace" by Ashley Uzzell and Kyra Uzzell

BOOK TITLE: Spunky and the Dolphin Palace

AUTHORS: Ashley Uzzell and Kyra Uzzell

YEAR: 2017

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Children’s Animal Fantasy

GRADE: Pass

In the second installment of the Spunky the Cat series, our furry hero finds himself in another strange land far away from home. Everything is made from candy from the syrup oceans to the gumdrop roads to even the various creatures that live there like the licorice snake and the soda bubblegum bear. As delicious as this world appears to be, Spunky is homesick for his human wizard master. He ventures down the syrupy river on his way to the Dolphin Palace, where he hopes the elderly princess can help him find his way home.

The biggest reason for my passing grade is the infinite cuteness overload that flies off the pages, whether it’s within the text or the drawings by Ashley’s daughter Kyra. From the very first page, Spunky (who’s already a cute little stud muffin purr baby) is thrust into a world made entirely of candy and inhabited by equally sweet creatures. In the words of the abominable snowman from the Looney Tunes canon, I want to hug them and squeeze them and call them George! As someone who currently owns seven cats and two dogs, I get my cuteness overloads wherever I can and this book has provided me with those warm fuzzy feelings and more.

I loved the cuteness factor so much that I wanted to see the story completed beyond the “To Be Continued” disclaimer at the end. There’s an evil killer whale named Viktor that needs to be brought to justice and mermaids that need to help in that G-rated struggle. Everybody wants to see Spunky work his fluffy magic against the forces of darkness. In short, my only critique is that the story ended too soon. On the bright side, though, it was adorable while it lasted and I’m eagerly looking forward to the next installment. Hugs and kisses for Spunky-Monkey and his new friends!

Whether you have children of your own or you’re an adult who loves fuzzy emotions, this second installment is for you, my friend. And while you’re at it, pick up a copy of the first installment as well. Get under the covers of your softest blanket and read to your heart’s content. You may find that your purr engine is just as lawnmower-like as our kitty hero’s. Excellent work, Ashley and Kyra! Lots of love for both of you!

The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh

MOVIE TITLE: The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh

DIRECTORS: John Lounsbery and Wolfgang Reitherman

YEAR: 1977

GENRE: Children’s Animation

RATING: G

GRADE: Extra Credit

In the Hundred Acre Woods, a stuffed bear named Winnie the Pooh goes on cute adventures with his many animal friends and his human master Christopher Robin. Whether Pooh-Bear wants some honey to eat or is trying to find shelter from a windstorm or a flood, he always brings his childlike charm and naïve thinking to every event in the story. His equally cute and cuddly friends are the depressed donkey Eeyore, the energetic and bouncy Tigger, the green-thumbed Rabbit, the delightfully wise Owl, the tiny stuttering Piglet, the hardworking constructor Gopher, and the flower-loving Kanga and Roo. Children of all ages can bask in their innocence at these cuddly mini-stories and grow up to be loving adults.

I cannot emphasize enough how insanely cute this movie is except for by giving it an extra credit grade. Whenever I watch Pooh-Bear eat honey, play with his friends, or just be his silly self, it makes me want to cuddle with stuffed or real animals of my own. Tigger’s hyperactivity, mitten-like paws, and joyful singing also make me want to cuddle with animal cuties. There isn’t one character in this movie who doesn’t warm my insides like a freshly baked apple pie (with honey drizzled on it, of course). Even the bees that swarm on Pooh for trying to steal their honey have their cute moments, particularly with their character designs and high-pitched voices. And who could forget all the laugh-inducing times when Gopher fell into his hole in the ground…over and over again. This kind of cuteness overload will set the tone for children later in life when they have kids of their own or adopt pets. Love is a universal language that can be taught with movies like Winnie the Pooh.

Another thing I’ll always enjoy about this movie is Sterling Holloway’s vocal performance as Pooh-Bear. He was always known for having a nasally rasp voice with a hint of baritone. Mr. Holloway has used this same voice to play characters like Amos Mouse in “Ben and Me” and Hiss from “Robin Hood”, two Disney classics. Hearing this sweet and innocent voice makes me glad that Holloway’s successor, Jim Cummings, decided to keep the tradition going when playing Winnie the Pooh in future movies. It even warms my heart to know that Mr. Cummings uses his Pooh voice to comfort sick children in hospitals. Is this another example of how the movie can teach love and friendship at such a young age? Why, I’d like to think so! Of course, Sterling Holloway isn’t with us anymore, but his contributions to the Disney universe will never be forgotten.

Just like with all good things, this movie must eventually come to an end at the 74 minute mark. How does one wrap up a series of short stories known for bringing happy emotions to an entire generation? By having Christopher Robin grow up, of course. While only a year has passed since the events of the movie, little Christopher eventually has to go to school and get good grades. Not all children end up having fond memories of school, whether it’s because of difficult assignments, harsh teachers, or bully students. The movie put us all at ease with the conversation Christopher had with Pooh-Bear. They talked about growing old together and always being friends no matter what life throws at them. One way or another, Christopher Robin will never forget where he came from and will always come back to the Hundred Acre Woods…even when he’s a hundred years old and moving around on a walker. How old will Pooh be? Ninety-nine. “Silly old bear!”

Let this be a lesson to all of the adults reading this review: never forget the love you experienced as a child and always take those positive memories into the future with you. Even if you grew up with harsher circumstances, know that someone out there loves and cares for you. Someone out there will be your Pooh-Bear. If you have to go to the Humane Society for a basket of Pooh-Bears known as kittens, what are you waiting for? You’re never too old to acknowledge cuteness when you see it. Age-consciousness is for suckers.

"Never Again" by Marie Krepps

BOOK TITLE: Never Again

AUTHOR: Marie Krepps

YEAR: 2016

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Creature Fantasy

GRADE: Pass

In a medieval world inhabited by animalistic shape-shifters, Lord Sable is the ruler of the Southern Territory, but he is far from a typical politician. Instead of pushing papers behind a desk, he’s brawling with bandits and monsters as a way of protecting his people. He’s also protective of his little daughter, whose mother died after giving birth. Sable is crass, angry, vulgar, and emotionally cold. When another shape-shifter named Nessa comes into his life, the Southern Lord has to choose between keeping his trauma locked up forever and letting someone in to ease his pain. Nessa has pain of her own and wants to run into Sable’s cold, but strong arms. Will these two come together or tear each other apart? Cooperation is a must considering an unknown enemy is targeting Sable and his family.

I have to be honest here for a moment. At first I was critical of Lord Sable’s character development. He came off as an abusive jerk-ass who would never survive in a liberal democracy. And then I remembered that the story’s environment is anything but a liberal democracy. This is set in medieval times, which means literacy is at its lowest, ignorance is at its highest, and bigotry is everywhere. Instead of scoffing at Sable’s negative attitude, I’m praising Marie Krepps’ ability to stay true to the times. Even with a fantasy genre label, it’s important to keep things real and believable. High five to Ms. Krepps for doing an awesome job of that! And if you’re still not convinced that Sable is capable of being a decent person, keep reading, you’ll get your moment….sort of.

Another thing that deserves praise is a staple of most of Ms. Krepps’ books, the delicious sex scenes. I won’t say who they feature because that would count as a spoiler. But when the sex happens, you feel every muscle twitch, you feel every drop of sweat, you feel ever orgasmic burst of energy, and you’re hungering for more afterwards. Marie doesn’t just tell you what kind of hot sex is going on; she puts you right there in the middle of the action. I’ve always praised her ability to show instead of tell and these luscious scenes are living proof. She’s been doing these kinds of scenes for a long time now and experience has always been the best teacher. Try to remember: this book is not meant to be pornographic. Try really, really hard to remember!

The final thing I want to comment on is this book’s similarities with the long-running anime Inuyasha, which also takes place in medieval times and features demonic animals. Creative fuel can come from anywhere and Marie Krepps is a lifelong fan of anime, so that’s a lot of inspiration to work with. I often picture what it would be like to have Inuyasha and Lord Sable eat dinner together. There would be a lot of wolfing, a lot of swearing, and a lot of lewd behavior. The difference between them? Sable doesn’t have a “sit” necklace to hold him back. On the contrary, he’s made of 100% raw power with cold emotions to boot. In a way, Sable is also comparable to Koga since they’re both wolf shifters and equally vulgar. It’s always nice to see an author use creative fuel in such an innovative way.

This is a Marie Krepps novel in the truest sense: sex, violence, fantasy, romance, and an invitation to a front row seat for the action. She knows exactly what she’s doing when it comes to hooking in readers and never letting go of her death grip until she damn well wants to. This isn’t the last we’re going to see of Lord Sable, Nessa, and the evildoers who want to tear their world apart. This is only the first in what will eventually be a long series of awesome storytelling, high drama, and explosive action. I think she deserves a passing grade for her effort, don’t you agree? Excellent work, Marie! You’ve done it again!

"Nature of the Beast" by Adam Mansbach

BOOK TITLE: Nature of the Beast
AUTHOR: Adam Mansbach
YEAR: 2012
GENRE: Graphic Novel
SUBGENRE: Science Fiction
GRADE: Mixed


Single father, alligator wrestler, and all-around tough guy Bruno Bolo enters a tournament pitting himself against the deadliest animals from around the world from sharks to gorillas to polar bears to whatever else can snap a normal man’s spine in half within seconds. He thinks he’s going to earn a million dollars for his victory, but the tournament is really part of a conspiracy to determine who fights the alien invaders who want to bring the apocalypse to earth. Bruno is already a Gary-Stu-esque superman, but after being sprayed with angry hormones, he’s pretty much unstoppable.

Just like with any science-fiction, fantasy, or superhero graphic novel, badass violence is a must. Bruno and the wild animals he fights not only bring the violence, they leave blood bombs behind them. If you’re a fan of hardcore action, you’re going to get it with this graphic novel, no question about it.

I personally don’t care if Bruno comes off as a Gary-Stu. As a child, I played videogames where Gary-Stu’s were the main characters (Ryu from Street Fighter, the barbarian from Diablo II, Gorge from Unreal Championship, etc.) Yes, I know it’s intended to be a literary slur, but I’m allowed to enjoy a little hardcore violence every now and then. I still enjoy it to this day when I’m watching WWE and Roman Reigns is punching everyone’s lights out.

Here’s what I do take issue with: the animal aspect. I have dogs and cats around my home and they’re all as sweet as can be. While it is true that the animals in Nature of the Beast are a lot scarier than my dogs and cats, it doesn’t take away from them being innocent animals. These animals didn’t choose to be fighters in a tournament; they were raised that way by the scientists behind the scenes. Hell, there was even a scene where one of the scientists sprayed the anger hormones in a pit bull’s face. The dog went from being a smiling puppy-dup to a raging lunatic within seconds of being sprayed.

Bottom line: forcing “scary” animals to fight each other is no different from forcing dogs and roosters to do the same. At least when it happens in the wild, the animal is protecting something precious of theirs. What do they have to fight for in an arena under the watch of scientists? Fame? Fortune? Sadistic urges? I’ll get off my soapbox now.

This book gets mixed reception from me, or for those of you on Good Reads, 3 out of 5 stars. When you make your own conscience decision to buy this graphic novel (and it is your own choice in the end), you have to find a balance within your mind between the badass action and the sympathy for animals. You might like the bloody violence and give this thing a full five stars. You might be the future president of the ASPCA and give this book one star. You might be a fence-rider like me who finds validity in both sides of the spectrum. Or if you want to avoid this debate altogether, buy a copy of Adam Mansbach’s “Go the Fuck to Sleep” instead. I have a niece and that book made me giggle.

　

***MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“It’s not every day you see a horse with two rear-ends!”

-Aladdin from “Aladdin”-

Marcus Edge

Diablo II: Lord of Destruction wasn’t just a videogame for me back in the early 2000’s; it was an influence. It was a digital drug. I killed the brothers of evil over and over again as time passed into the 2010’s. I used a variety of characters to do it, but my favorites were the barbarian and the paladin since they were both badass brawlers. Then again, any character class from that game can be a badass brawler if the right skills were chosen.

Which brings me to the druid class. Druids, like any other character, had a skill set sorted out into three categories. The ones particular to him were elemental magic spells, shape-shifting spells, and summoning spells. If you’re playing Diablo II and you want to turn your druid into a brawler, put your skill points into the shape-shifting category, particularly were-bear transformation and maul. How the hell are Diablo’s minions supposed to compete with a big ass bear who only gets stronger and hungrier with every blow?

The answer to that question is easier than you think, unfortunately. When druids transform into were-bears, their attack speed is significantly slower. Even when they’re armed with weapons with a very fast attack speed, the strikes still come slowly and awkwardly.

Now imagine if the druid was armed with something heavy like a great maul, which has a very slow attack speed. If he transformed into a bear, his new attack speed would be so slow his victims would look like Matrix characters with how easily they dodge the strikes. Now imagine if your ursine druid was frozen, which slows down running and attack speed. Duriel, the boss enemy for act two, has a freezing aura around him at all times. Do the math and you’ll see right away that tortoises don’t always beat hares.

This was the story for a druid I played with named Marcus Edge. If that name seems familiar to you, you were probably logged onto Deviant Art and reading a story called The Meaning of Laugh, which was about a raunchy comedian of the same name who has a heart attack on stage. That story won’t be published in any short story anthologies anytime soon due to the crappy writing style I employed in 2012.

The Diablo II version of Marcus Edge was a lethal warrior. His slowness, however, made it impossible to defeat Duriel and I ultimately deleted him from my archives. But this doesn’t mean his career in a creative field is over. Druids in general are fascinating to me. As an animal lover, I should know this, because druids specialize in summoning and transforming into these furry creatures. If I ever write another dark fantasy story and need a druid, I would gladly use Marcus Edge as my main character. Perhaps he can get notoriety in more ways than his name being used for a crappy comedian character.

　

***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***

“When I was playing Final Fantasy videogames as a child, I’d always wondered what the hell a ‘phoenix down’ was. I knew what it did, but I didn’t know why it was called that. Turns out this whole time I’ve been sprinkling bird feathers on my unconscious warriors. Smelling salts would be more practical, but they probably wouldn’t conform to the magical element of Final Fantasy games.”

-Me-

Magnus Warcry

Would you like to see Winnie the Pooh in a suit of spiky metal armor while wielding a barbed wire club? If Magnus Warcry ever becomes a reality, it may happen sooner than you think. Barbarians are already primal beasts with no off switch for their rage. Bears are the same way except with a more powerful body. Put the race and the class together and you’ve got a recipe for destruction.

It’s bad enough that a bear would have dynamite in his paws. What exactly is he doing with a barbed wire club? That’s like Joe Rogan being armed with a rifle. Oh, wait a minute. He’s a Ron Paul guy, which means he’s probably armed with something capable of making a loud boom. If that’s the case, then Magnus Warcry is a lot like Joe Rogan: overkill.

That’s what we need in a story: a main character who’s so good at fighting that he can’t be touched. If somebody manages to touch him, it’ll feel like a little fruit fly landing on his fur. Come on, Mike Tyson, let’s see if one of your heavy haymakers can put a dent in Magnus’ armor. I’ll guarantee Mr. Tyson’s fist will turn to ashes if he tried anything like that.

Why am I overselling Magnus Warcry, anyways? Because when I first introduced him in an action fantasy movie script called Say Goodbye, he was the most underrated character in the whole story. The premise of Say Goodbye was that a group of bounty hunters ventured into a place called The Jungle (I was strapped for a creative name) in search of a pig man warlock named Zod Ragefist.

Actually, it wasn’t A group of bounty hunters, it was two separate factions gunning for the same guy and not wanting to share the profits. Magnus’ side wanted the money because they were greedy bastards and the other side wanted the money to feed their argumentative, but loved families.

The whole movie was supposed to be an allegory for family love despite strains on the relationship. Magnus, being a big ass bear in metal armor, doesn’t have much of a family life. Seriously, what woman would approach him with a bouquet of flowers without running for their lives afterwards?

If Magnus Warcry is going to thrive, it has to be in a purely badass environment with no multi-layered drama of any kind. I could even picture him being in an Expendables movie. We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it, or when Chris Christie decides to decongest the traffic flow. Ouch!

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Paul Heyman was so ugly as a baby, his mother got morning sickness after he was born.”

-Jerry “The King” Lawler-